Work Text:
Contrary to popular belief, Bruce was not the mastermind behind the idea.
This honor belongs to Hal and Hal alone.
--
"How long, hypothetical speaking, would it take your kids to realize that you are seeing someone?" Hal asks the first night they end up in bed together. Bruce cracks an eye open, lifts his head, and peers down at Hal, who has made himself comfortable on Bruce's chest. "I mean, they are detectives, and being smart is basically a requirement to be a Bat."
"Hal-" Bruce begins, but Hal cuts him off.
"Like, how long can it take? If they are anything like you, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them has bugged this room and is already listening to us." Hal looks around the room as if he expects one of Bruce's kids to pop out of the dark. Nevermind that they are in Hal's apartment.
"Do not get me wrong, I love anything Spooky," Hal flashes him a grin as if to make sure Bruce gets the joke," but your kids are terrifying."
Bruce drops his head back onto his pillow. "Hal, can we please stop discussing my children."
"I- Sure." Hal falls quiet for all of five seconds. "Why? Do you not want them to know about us?"
"That-" Bruce runs a hand down his face. "That's not what I meant. I'm just saying there are some things I don't want to discuss while I'm still dick deep in someone," He meets Hal's eyes, and he can see the metaphorical light bulb goes off in his head. "My kids are one of them."
Hal nods thoughtfully. He then lifts to let Bruce slide out of him.
"So, how long do you think it'll take?" Hal asks as he lays back down. Bruce huffs in amusement, and Hal looks down at him with a frown.
"What?" He asks, but Bruce doesn't answer. He just leans up and kisses him, and it doesn't take long for Hal to get with the program.
"Are we betting on how long it will take them to realize I'm dating, or dating you in particular?" Bruce asks when he finally pulls back.
Hal hums and slides off Bruce's chest to lay next to him. "The latter, let's make them work for it."
Rolling up on his side, Bruce slings a hand around Hal's waist and pulls him closer. Not that Hal can get any closer.
"Over-under 1.5 weeks," Bruce answers after thinking the situation over.
"I'm going under. There is no way it will take any longer." Hal pokes Bruce in the side. "And you are not allowed to interfere in any way."
"I'll act like I always do," Bruce promises and grabs the offending hand. "And what is my price when I win?"
"If," Hal protests.
Bruce hums in agreement. "What is my price if I win?"
"I don't know," Hal pulls his hand out of Bruce's grip and slings it around him instead. "But I'm sure I can figure something out."
Hal's tone is very suggestive, and Bruce grins to himself.
This is going to be easy.
--
Dick reaches for the popcorn but gets his hand slapped away.
"Get your own," Jason protests. He doesn't even look away from the tv where 'Nailed it' is playing, and Dick pouts.
"Come on, little wing," Dick needles as he leans closer. "You won't share with your favorite brother?"
"Sure I can," Jason answers. He hands the bowl over to Tim, who is lying with his feet over the back of the coach and is watching the tv upside down. He takes a handful of popcorn and mumbles a thank you.
"Tim is your favorite?!" Dick asks. "No offense Timmy."
"None taken," Tim answers as Jason scoffs.
"You ignored Dibs," Jason says, not looking away from the TV. Dick groans and lets his head fall back against the couch.
"Really? And what was I supposed to do? Let him stab me?" Dick looks back at Jason. "Besides, you were busy with the other goon!"
"I called Dibs!" Jason turns to glare at him. "That was my goon, and you ignored it!"
"Hey guys," Duke interrupts, and Dick turns to look at him. "Is Bruce going on a date tonight?"
"Probably one of his fancy dinner dates as Brucie Wayne," Jason grumbles and holds out the bowl to Duke. "Popcorn?"
Duke gives the bowl a narrowed-eyed look but takes a handful anyway.
"Oh, come on!" Dick throws his hands in the air. "Now you're just an asshole."
"Better than being a dick. Oh, wait." Jason grins at Dick. "You already are."
Dick groans as the rest of the Bats chitter.
"But seriously," Duke looks back the way he came. "Are we sure Bruce isn't dating someone? And not as Brucie. He wasn't dressed for a fancy dinner."
"What was he wearing?" Stephanie asks from the floor. She is sitting with her back towards the other sofa and painting her nails as Cassandra braids her hair. Both of them are wearing face masks, as is Damian, who is sitting next to them.
"Jeans, a shirt more expensive than most apartments, but still understated," as Duke talks, the rest of the Bats slowly turns to look at him. "And a jacket that honestly looks like it belongs in Jason's closet."
"Leather?" Damian asks with a frown, and Duke shrugs.
"Looked like it."
"We would have noticed." Dick protests.
Cass claps her hands together, and when they are all looking at her, she signs. We have been busy with the Penguin case. She raises an eyebrow at them, and when Dick grimaces and nods in agreement, she continues. And B has been happier lately. Bouncing on his feet.
They sit in silence for a long second.
"I did hear him humming last week," Duke offers. He reaches for more popcorn, and Jason holds the bowl out for him. "And to Cass' point, he has been smiling more."
Jason tilts his head and looks thoughtfully into the air. "He has been more on his phone, and last week he told me he was proud of me."
"He is always proud of you," Dick counters, and Jason gives him a look.
"B said that right after I blew up the docks." Jason wrinkles his nose. "Again."
"I-" Steph glances at Damian before she continues. "I did walk in on B last week on the phone. He called the other person sweetheart."
Dick opens his mouth, pauses, and looks back at Duke. "Where is he?"
"Where's who?" Bruce asks. Dick whips around to look at him, as does the rest of his siblings, and, dammit, Duke is right. Bruce is not dressed up for a fancy dinner. This is personal.
"Is there a problem?" Bruce asks as he pulls on his gloves.
"Are you seeing someone?" Damian demands.
Bruce pauses, looks around the room, and smirks. "Ah, took you long enough."
"What-"
"We made a bet," Bruce continues conversationally. "Of how long it would take all of you to figure it out."
"What were the odds?" Jason asks into the stunned silence.
"Over-under 1.5 weeks," Bruce makes a show of looking down at the clock and checking the time. "And look at that, four hours until I win."
"You took the over?!" Dick asks in outrage.
"And it looks like I'm winning," Bruce says with a smirk.
"No," Tim sits up properly and levels a finger at Bruce. "We know you are dating. You lose."
"Ah, but the language of the bet is how long would it take you to figure out who I am dating," Bruce adjusts his gloves. "And you don't know who."
"Yet! We don't know who it is, yet," Steph protests. "Is it someone from the League?"
Bruce raises an eyebrow at her, but Cass sits up straight, and Jason makes a noise of triumph.
"I'm not going to answer that," he says. "Have a good evening, kids. I'll see you tomorrow." Bruce turns to walk out, but Jason calls him back.
"I want the Ferrari!"
Bruce pauses and looks back over his shoulder at him. "What?"
"I want the Ferrari," Jason repeats. Dick frowns and looks between them.
Bruce narrows his eyes at him. "Which one?"
"Which do you think?" Jason scoffs. "The one I have been drooling over since I was thirteen."
They stare each other down for a long second until Bruce nods in agreement. "Alright. You keep your mouth shut, and the car is yours."
"Wait, wait, what just happened?" Dick asks as Bruce turns and heads back out the door.
"You know who B's dating?" Tim demands. Jason shrugs, turns back to the tv, and takes another handful of popcorn.
"How?" Steph asks.
"Insider knowledge," Jason says and pulls a face. He looks like he just swallowed a lemon. "I suffered through years of flirting and sexual tension." Jason shudders theatrically. "It was horrible. The Ferrari is compensation for years of trauma."
"When was this?" Steph asks. She has completely forgotten her nail polish.
"Before your time," Jason says dismissively and takes another handful of popcorn.
Bruce pops his head back into the room and glares at Jason. "You only get the car if they don't figure it out." When Jason only waves a hand at him and sags farther down into the sofa, Bruce sighs, but he seems satisfied with the response.
"Father," Damian calls out, making Bruce pause and look at him. As does everyone else, and Dick has to say he is impressed. Damian is serving up the best puppy dog eyes Dick has seen in a while.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, voice low. It tugs at every heartstring Dick has. "Do you not care about my feelings?"
"I-" Bruce blinks down at his youngest child. "I asked you five weeks ago if you would be alright with me dating again."
"What? No-" Damian frowns. "I thought you meant you were seeing Catwoman."
"Please tell me you're not dating Selina," Dick begs.
"I'm not dating Selina," Bruce protests. He runs a hand down his face. "Where would you even- Never mind, I'm not even dating a woman-" The sounds of Bruce's teeth clicking together echo through the room. "I'm going now; see you all tomorrow," Bruce says quickly and disappears down the hall.
"Wait," Dick leaps over the couch. He slips a little on the floor, but he gets traction and rounds the corner. The hall is empty, and Dick narrows his eyes. There is no way Bruce walked down the hall this quickly.
Smelling blood in the water, Dick pulls off his socks and sprints down the hall. He can hear the sound of feet behind him, but he doesn't turn to look at which sibling is following him. Dick rounds the corner, using the wall to keep up his momentum, just in time to see Alfred close the front door.
"Wait!" Tim yells as Alfred looks up and gives them all an unimpressed look.
"May I ask what you are doing?" he asks.
"We're on the hunt!" Steph shouts in response.
Dick crashes into the door and almost falls over when it swings open. Tim and Steph, not having pulled their socks off, are unable to stop and slam right into him, and they all trip out the door and land face-first at the top of the stairs.
"Dammit," Duke mutters as they all watch Bruce disappear down the driveway in his car.
"Cassandra, where are you going?" Damian asks.
Dick twists just far enough to see her sign Jason before she heads back down the hall.
"Tim, get off me," Steph complains. Someone's knee ends up in Dick's stomach, knocking the wind right out of him, but he gets up and hobbles after Cass back to the living room.
Which is empty, except for the abandoned nail polish.
"Jason!" Dick shouts, but there's no response. "Tim, I need you to track him down."
"One step ahead of you," Tim answers as he pulls up his phone. Damian tries to look over his shoulder, but Tim frowns, spins on his heel, and runs towards the cave. "B's leaving Gotham, and Jason has ditched his phone. We need to call in the big guns: we need Barbara."
"Guys, is this really necessary?" Duke asks.
"Of course it is," Steph throws an arm over his shoulder. "Half of our job as Robin and/or former Robins is to embarrass and make trouble for B."
"I really don't think that-" Duke tries to argue, but Cass slides in front of him.
It's a family thing she signs. Duke hesitates and looks to Dick for confirmation.
"Cass is more or less right," Dick smiles reassuringly. "If he didn't want us underfoot, B shouldn't have taken in so many kids."
Duke's lips twitch, and he looks down at his feet. "Alright," he looks back up with a grin. "Let's track him down."
"If you can," Alfred says from right behind them. Dick is not embarrassed to say he almost hits the ceiling. Everyone always thinks Bruce learned how to be sneaky while he was away on his trip around the world, but all the bat kids know that he learned from the Master himself.
The Master in question gives them a slight smile. "I'm sure Master Bruce will deploy every evasive maneuver he knows. As will Master Jason."
Dick scoffs. "How hard can it be?"
Turns out it can be very hard.
"You can't find any trace of B?" Duke asks Barbara over comms.
"No, if I didn't know any better, I would say B is no longer on earth." There is the sound of a keyboard in the background as Barbara goes over her intel again. "Best I can say is that Bruce drove to a zeta tube and used it to get out of Gotham."
"Cheater," Steph mutters.
Barbara, who had long since gotten used to interruptions and commenters, kept talking. "And I can't find any trace of Jason leaving the manor. Are you sure he is not still there?"
"Yeah," Dick confirms. "We search it all, top to bottom. His bike was gone and everything."
"Then I'm sorry to say; we are out of options," Barbara sighs. Dick can't see her, but he can imagine removing her glasses and rubbing at her eyes. "Finish up patrol and go home. From what you told me, we are out of time with the Bet anyway."
"It's the principal of the thing," Steph protests. She sounds preoccupied, and Dick squashes the urge to tell her to keep her attention on what she is doing.
"Are you coming for lunch tomorrow? I think B might bring his boyfriend with him," Tim whispers, and Dick feels the urge to reprimand them balloon again. Because Dick knows that whisper, that's the ' I'm currently in the vents over a very important meeting which I really should be listening in on, but it's so incredibly boring. So I will gossip with you instead.' The last time Tim did that, he ended up giving away his position.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world," Steph answers gleefully.
"I don't like it," Damien hisses. He and Dick had been taking a break on the roof, but now Damian lunches off the edge. He falls for several seconds before he uses his grapple gun and swings down toward the docks, the opposite way of home.
"Thanks for the help, Oracle," Dick sighs and moves to follow his littlest brother. "We'll take one more turn around the block, and then we'll head home. Red Robin, please keep your eyes on your surroundings."
Barbara hums in agreement as Dick jumps. He can hear Tim muttering something in response to Dick's words, but the wind is howling in his ears, and so he misses it.
--
Dick sends Damien to bed and then heads to his own room. He yawns, opens the door, and stumbles to a halt as he sees Jason lunging on his bed playing a game on his Switch.
"Oh, hey Dick. Did you find Bruce?" Jason asks. He glances over and meets Dicks eyes. "Are you okay? Do you want popcorn?" He holds out the popcorn bowl, and Dick loses it.
With a war cry, he jumps at Jason, whose eyes widen. He scrambles to get off the bed, but Dick tackles him, and they tumble off the other side of the bed.
They have a brief wrestling match until Dick deploys a couple of dirty tricks and goes for Jason's weak spots.
"No! Get off me fucker," Jason kicks at Dick, who twists away but doesn't let up on the tickling.
"No! You betray-"
Jason plants his elbow in Dick's face, giving himself enough time to put space between them. He grabs the Switch and holds it out like a sword, and Dick eyes it verily.
"Okay, so you're mad," Jason says, and Dick scoffs. "But consider this: I tell you now, and you get to see everyone else's shocked faces tomorrow when Bruce brings the boyfriend to lunch."
Dick crosses his arms and glares. "We don't know he is going to show up tomorrow." Jason gives him a look. Dick wrinkles his nose and concedes the point.
The Bet is officially over, so there is no reason for Bruce to keep the relationship hidden, and Bruce would definitely want to be there to see their reactions.
"Alright, so he is going to be there, but I can wait. You, on the other hand," Dick narrows his eyes at Jason. "You are going down."
"Let's be reasonable now," Jason shifts his weight, and Dick takes a step closer to the door, cutting off his best route of escape. "You are gonna want to be in on this. Everyone else's reactions are going to be priceless." Dick hesitates, and Jason presses his advantage. "Honestly, I can believe you haven't guessed it yet. You were Robin before I was, and there is no way they weren't flirting already back then."
"So it is someone in the League." Dick muses as Jason nods. "One of the founding members or at least one of the first members."
"Now remove all the women from the equation, and Superman and Green Arrow," Jason says, and Dick frowns. That doesn't leave a lot of people. He knows it's not Cyborg, Shazam, or the Flash, but who-
Dick blinks and looks back at Jason. "No way."
Jason grins at him. "Please, finish that thought."
"Hal Jordan! That doesn't even make sense!" Dick shouts. He is aware that he is waving his arms around like a madman, but it's Hal motherfucker Jordan!
Jason slaps a hand over his mouth and glares at him. "Keep quiet. We don't want to alert the rest of the horde. Besides, Bruce and Hal are kinda adorable together." At Dicks look of disbelief, Jason shrugs. He lets go of Dick, sits down on the bed, and holds out the bowl. "You'll see tomorrow. Popcorn?"
--
Bruce parks the car in the driveway outside the manor steps out, leaving Hal alone in the car.
Hal runs a hand down his face and takes a deep breath. He should not be as nervous as he is, considering he has met all the Batkids before. But you weren't fucking their dad back then, a small voice in the back of his head says, and he grimaces.
Bruce opens his door, and Hal looks up at him.
"We can leave if you don't want to meet them." Bruce offers. Hal smiles, shakes his head, and slides out of the car. Bruce doesn't move back, so Hal ends up pressed against his chest as he closes the door.
"No, I'm fine. Just-" Hal leans back against the car and pulls Bruce close by his belt loops. "When your kids come after me with pitchforks, will you protect me?"
"No," Bruce smirks as Hal laughs. "You're on your own. But I will remember you fondly."
Bruce looks fond and smug, and it should not be as attractive as it is, so Hal kisses the look right off his face. What was supposed to be a quick kiss ends up as a minute-long make-out session.
"Now, come on," Bruce says as he pulls back. "We have a mob with pitchforks to meet."
Hal sighs but takes Bruce's hand and lets him pull him up the stairs and into the hallway where they meet Alfred.
"Good afternoon." Alfred greets and holds out a car key. "Lunch is being served in the dining room. The kids are already waiting."
"Thank you, Alfred." Bruce raises an eyebrow at Alfred, who raises an eyebrow right back. Humming in satisfaction, Bruce takes the key, pockets it, and leads Hal further into the house. Hal frowns and looks back at Alfred, but he gets no answer as the man only smiles.
As they reach the door to the dining room, Hal can hear the rest of the Bataclan talk among themselves. Bruce squeezes his hand, and then the two of them walk in.
"Good afternoon," Bruce greets as Hal waves at the gathered Batclan, whose faces are in varying shades of shock. There is a long moment of silence before Steph breaks it.
"Hal motherfucker Jordan." She sits back in her chair and eyes him. "I did not see that one coming."
"Neither did Bruce," Jason jokes. Seconds later, he winces and glares across the table at Dick.
"Tt, he's adequate," Damian declares. They all turn to look at him, but Damian has returned to his food and is pointedly ignoring them. The rest of the Batkids exchange glances, and then they shrug. It seems that there will be no mob with pitchforks coming for Hal today.
He glances back at Bruce, who shrugs and leads him to an open space at the end of the table. He pulls out the chair for him, and a chorus of awws fills the room.
"Huh, you were right," Dick mutters as Hal sits down.
"I told you," Jason says with a smirk.
Hal raises an eyebrow at them, but Duke, who is the closest, leans over and hands him the breadbasket. "Ignore them, they are the oldest, and I'm pretty sure they have developed their own language that only they understand."
"Okay?" Hal takes the offered basket as Bruce asks about last night's patrol, which leads to an hour-long debriefing with more swears and chaos than a League meeting can ever contain.
"You take that back!" Damian says as he leans over the table, knife in hand, to threaten Tim. "I did no such thing!"
"You absolutely did," Tim argues. He holds an empty bread basket in one hand as a shield and a fork in the other. "You barged into MY surveillance operation and took out all of MY suspects."
"Then you should thank me for doing your job for you," Damian shifts his weight better to launch himself across the table at his brother, and Hal is seriously considering putting up a wall between them.
Under the table, Bruce hooks a foot around Hal's, and when he glances at him, Bruce winks.
"Is this about the mob hit downtown?" Bruce asks nonchalantly as he reaches for his cup of coffee. "The one that involves illegal smuggling of endangered animals?"
"Yes," Tim confirms. Damian lowers his knife and rocks back on his heels.
"They are doing what?" he hisses. "Tell me about the case." Tim narrows his eyes at Damian, but he starts describing the case so far.
The situation now deescalated, Bruce turns to Cass and asks what her plans are for the day. Hal, feeling the emotional whiplash, shakes his head and turns to Duke, who so far has seemed like the most mature of the kids. "Are they always like this?"
"No," Duke says, and Hal feels a little reassured. "They are usually worse."
Shaking his head, Hal thinks he might have preferred the angry mob.
Across the table and a couple of seats down, Jason stands up. "This has been nice and all. And as fun, as it is, seeing B play footsie with his new BF." Hal feels his face heat as Jason smirks at him. He hadn't thought they would notice." I really need to go." Jason leaves the table and heads towards the door.
"Are you not forgetting something?" Bruce says. Jason turns back with a frown but lights up when he sees Bruce holding up a car key.
"You know, I was just gonna hotwire the car, but this is almost better," Jason says as he snatches the key out of Bruce's hand.
"Will you be here next week?" Bruce asks.
"Yeah, yeah. Like I would ever miss Alfred's muffins," Jason answers. He salutes the table and heads out.
"What was that about?" Hal asks, and Bruce freezes. The kids all exchange glances before they all make their excuses and leave the room. Tim, Dick, and Damian are the first ones out, calling for Jason to wait.
"It was nice meeting you, Hal," Steph says as she waves goodbye. Cass smiles and nods, and Hal smiles back at her.
Duke is the last to go. "I'll see you later." He glances at Bruce and then back at Hal. "Maybe." And then he is gone.
Hal raises an eyebrow at Bruce. "What was that about?" he repeats. Bruce unhooks their feet and instead uses his foot to pull Hal closer to him. Close enough to kiss him, which he waist no time on doing.
Hal lets himself get distracted for a while before he pulls back to look at Bruce.
"I'm gonna need you to answer my question, B."
Bruce huffs and leans closer, trailing kisses down Hal's neck. "It's about the Bet we made," he murmurs against Hal's skin.
"The Bet you won and cashed in yesterday?" Hal asks. He lifts a hand and runs it through Bruce's hair. It's soft between his fingers, so Hal does it again, and he could swear Bruce is purring. When Bruce doesn't answer him, Hal tights his hold on his hair and uses it to pull Bruce's head back. "Bruce, what about the Bet?"
"Jason figured it out, and I promised him the Ferrari if he didn't tell anyone," Bruce says. Hal opens and closes his mouth a couple of times.
"You bribed your kid into keeping your secrets so you could win a bet?"
Bruce wrinkles his nose. "More or less."
"You're unfucking believable," Hal says with a laugh. "You are aware that this invalidates your win and that I now am entitled to my price as well?"
Bruce's eyes darken, and he smirks. "I'm looking forward to it."