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Reki can’t take his eyes away from the screen.
When did he even start looking? He is pretty sure he had been arguing with the owner of the screen not even a minute ago. He had defended Langa, not even sure why he was doing so. They are not in good terms right now, Reki doesn’t think he even wants them to be. Yet— Yet he couldn’t help the words that came out of his mouth when he heard those guys talking about Langa like that. Langa is such a good skater, Reki knows this. Has seen it first hand. He was there when Langa nailed his first ollie. He was also there when Langa fell to the ground immediately after doing so. He was there to high five him and help him get up again. Smiling proudly as Langa looked at him. He had been truly happy then. But that had been long before. Long before everything. Long before Langa got good. Long before Langa left him behind.
So he looks at the screen. Watching Langa. Langa who is by Joe’s side. Langa who looks shocked as Joe gets down in a plank. Langa who gets left behind. Langa who is slowing down. Langa who— Langa who is losing. Reki can’t believe his eyes, and if he feels himself getting angry then that is Langa’s fault. Because Langa is better than this. Reki knows that. He knows Langa is so much better than what he is doing right now. Langa— Langa is like a snow storm in the middle of summer, something so unexpectedly beautiful that you can’t fully comprehend. That maybe you never will. So Reki is angry. Langa can't be giving up. Not right now. Not like this. He can’t.
But then Joe speeds by. Joe speeds by and Langa is nowhere to be seen. And, okay, now Reki is actually angry. Because what the fuck Langa? What is he doing? He’s much better than this. Langa can’t be the guy that’s turning the corner right now. The guy that’s going so slowly, Reki thinks even he would be able to keep up. He doesn’t plan to do what he does next but his feet are moving before he can stop them, pushing through the people standing by the course. Reki can hear himself screaming. It’s a single word. A word that once never meant anything. A word that once slipped through his lips as if it belonged there. A word that now burns with anger and guilt and sadness and… longing?
But Reki will have to unpack that later. Because Langa passes by as soon as his name leaves Reki’s lips. Langa passes by and Reki swears he feels time slow down. Because Langa looks up for the first time since he’s turned that corner. He looks up at Reki. Reki whose eyes meet with a pair of piercing blue ones. There’s so much emotion in them, emotions that Reki can’t read. So he just stares back, holding the gaze for as long as he can. The moment couldn’t have lasted for more than a second, Reki knows that, but it feels like so much more. It feels like an eternity. But it also doesn’t feel like enough. Because now Langa is skating away. He is skating away as he picks up speed again. As he leaves Reki behind again. As the pain in Reki’s heart seems to get worse.
The rest of the beef passes by in a blur, it might’ve lasted a minute, or maybe an hour. Reki isn’t sure, though he supposes the first option is much more likely. All he knows is that Langa wins. Langa wins and the guys Reki had shared a screen with stare in shock. They’re not the only ones, a lot of people seem to be shocked by the outcome, some even complain about losing money. Reki stares at his own phone, not knowing if it’s out of shock or not. At first he feels almost awed by the outcome but the feeling doesn’t last long. It’s incredible that Langa has won against Joe. Reki knows he should be excited, should be proud of him. That he should at the very least be happy for Langa. The person he once called his best friend (the person that deep down he wishes could still be called that) has just won against an amazing opponent. That alone should be reason enough for celebration. But Reki can’t do that. He can’t.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but that Reki simply cannot be happy for him . Not when he knows this means Langa is leaving him even further behind. Not when he knows this means things won’t ever go back to the way they were. They can’t. Not anymore.
Reki isn’t sure when the tears start to fall. He isn’t sure why he’s still there either. Standing in the middle of S. Where he obviously doesn’t belong. He had been foolish to believe he could be happy being support. He can’t. He can’t because— because it’s not enough. He wants to skate. He wants to feel the wind in his hair as he speeds by, going as fast as his board would allow. He wants to hear cheers as he lands a new trick. He wants to feel the thrill, the rush of adrenaline as he wins a match. He wants to be with Langa. Not on the sidelines. Nor as his personal cheerleading squad. But as an equal. He wants to skate with Langa. To be by him. Forever, probably, if he could. It’s a scary thought.
He wants to do so much, but he can’t. He’s not good enough. Not good enough to be at S. Not good enough to win a match. Not good enough to skate by Langa. Langa who can do so much. Not when he’s just Reki. Reki who can do so little.
Whatever. It’s not like it matters. Who cares if skating with Langa gives him the best feeling in the entire world? Who cares if Reki is a good skater or not? Who cares if Reki is even skating at all? No one does. He’s just some random guy that hangs out with Snow isn't he? No one even knows his name. He doubts anyone will ever know it. He shouldn’t even be here. At a place like S. Why did he come here anyway? Oh, right, he was frustrated. He had hoped being here would make it better somehow. Stupid . Of course that didn’t work. And now he is crying, because of course he is. Because that’s all he can do isn’t it?
No . No, it isn’t. There’s still something he can do. Something to hopefully help him put an ending to this. So he leaves. He starts walking towards the gate that divides S from the rest of society and he doesn’t look back. Not as he passes by familiar faces in the crowd. Not as he hears people cheering as Adam and Cherry get ready for the next beef. Not as he takes his pin off his hoodie. Not as he hands it off to the security saying he won’t need it anymore. Not as he walks through the dimly lit streets. Not even after he makes it home. He can’t. He won’t let himself regret this.
Reki isn’t sure he’d be able to explain why he skips school the next day if asked. But that’s alright. Because no one asks. No one cares. His mother and sisters notice that he’s down but don’t mention it, giving him space to work it out on his own before asking for help. It’s something they’ve always done and Reki had always been grateful for it. He’s not sure if that’s still the case. He stays in bed, staring at the ceiling and waiting for time to pass. His mom appears on the doorstep at one point. She gives him a packed lunch, medicine, and a kiss on the forehead before she says she is leaving and to call if anything happens. Reki thinks he makes a noise of agreement. He doesn’t know where she’s going but he thinks time alone would be good. At least he’ll finally be able to think.
Reki doesn’t know how much time he spends staring at his ceiling, thinking about everything that had happened since he met Langa. It all had started so well. They had become friends so easily, had spent all their time together. Skating. Enjoying each other’s company. Those first few weeks had been the best of his life. He had never been so happy before. There had also been that different feeling, the one he’d only ever felt around Langa. The one he was never quite able to place. He supposes it didn’t really matter. Because, little by little, he started getting left behind. Langa didn’t do it on purpose, or at least Reki hopes he hadn’t, but eventually he’d gotten so good Reki couldn’t keep up anymore. And that hurt. More than anything else ever had. Because he wanted nothing more in life than to skate by Langa. He wanted nothing more than to be able to stay with him. Forever. And that was impossible for Reki, how great .
Leaving was the right choice . He stares at the ceiling, daring it to disagree. The ceiling does not do anything. Reki sighs. He had certainly made a decision when he gave up his pin, a decision he is sure had been the right one. Because now he can move on. (Right?) As long as he doesn’t look back he can just forget these feelings. He can find a new hobby. There are tons of activities out there, and sure maybe he doesn’t like any of them as much as he had liked skating but that doesn’t matter. He can learn to love them. It’s not like skating is still any fun anyway. It hasn’t been for a while.
Reki doesn’t know exactly when it stopped being fun, but it had been around the time Langa left him behind. It happened so gradually Reki barely noticed it at all. Until he did. Until he did and Langa had broken their promise. He had been so angry, then. So scared. He worried about Langa so much. He worried so much and then Langa had gone and ruined it. And the worst part is it wasn’t even his fault. It isn’t his fault that Reki is weak. It isn't his fault that Reki can’t seem to keep up. That Reki is scared. That Reki is a coward. Because Reki is pretty sure the fight would still have happened even if Langa hadn’t broken their promise. It just so happened that it had been the last straw.
Reki feels tears prickle his eyes again. He tries to tell himself that it’s okay. He left. It’s over now. He can just move on. But that’s not true is it? If it were he wouldn’t be home right now. Because even if he quits everything else, he’ll still have to see Langa. They go to the same school. Are in the same class. Sit right by each other. At one point Reki had liked this. It brought him comfort to be by his friend the whole time, the person he cared about so much. But now— now he hates it. Because Langa is a constant. Langa is unavoidable. And he’ll still be there everyday. Even if they’re not on speaking terms. Even if Reki ignores him. Even if they never speak again. He’ll be a reminder. A memory Reki won’t be able to forget. Not that he is even sure he wants to.
Whatever. He probably should try to think about something else. So he picks up his phone, trying to find something to distract himself with. If only it weren’t impossible. Because when he opens his camera roll, there's pictures upon pictures of him and Langa together. Videos of when he taught Langa how to skate. His text messages seem only to go to Langa. All of his social media is mostly filled with skating. Even his YouTube subscribed page seems to have nothing else. Reki sighs. Maybe he should just go back to sleep. At least then he won’t have to think.
Reki doesn’t know how much time passes before he opens his eyes again. But that doesn’t matter. Because he hears voices. One of which is his mother’s. The other of which he can only hope is a hallucination. Because it shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be hearing this voice. Not here. Not right now.
The universe has never been kind to him.
“Reki?” The voice calls from behind his door, after knocking three times. The way he always did. “Can I come in?”
Reki considers it, he could tell the voice no. He could also go back to bad and pretend to be asleep. But maybe this is it. His chance to put a complete end to this. Sure the memory will still be painful, but it always would’ve been. There is no timeline in which he wouldn’t have to do it eventually. So why not now? Why not tell the person behind that door they don’t have anything to do with each other. Not anymore. Who cares if Reki doesn’t really want to? Who cares if it will hurt? Reki tries to convince himself he doesn’t.
He regrets opening the door almost immediately. Because in less than a second Langa’s blue eyes meet his own and he feels his conviction falter. He can’t do this. Not when the mere sight of Langa, here on his doorstep, gives him that feeling. The one he has been trying to ignore. The one he has been trying to forget. The one that gets worse when Langa smiles at him.
“I brought you our work for today,” he grabs a stack of paper from his school bag as he enters the room, “we didn’t do much but I can also lend you my notes if you need them.”
Reki grabs the papers and mutters a small ‘thanks’ . He sits back on his bed and hopes that will be it. That Langa will be satisfied and leave. But he doesn’t, instead he just stands there, looking at Reki. He has a look on his face that Reki can’t read. Langa had never been the most expressive guy, but Reki once thought he knew him so well he was able to differentiate between all of his emotions. Apparently he had been wrong. He doesn’t know what Langa is feeling right now. Maybe he never had.
It’s a while before Langa finally speaks.
“I wanted to ask you something,” Langa averts his eyes for the first time since entering the room. Reki doesn’t know whether to take that as a good or a bad sign. “Yesterday during my beef with Joe, I think I used too much force or something, and my board just broke.” Langa lets out a small laugh, one that does not seem genuine. At all. “I wanted to know if you could—”
“I’m not your mechanic, Langa.” Reki interrupts him halfway through, he’s angry again. Because what the fuck Langa ? How could he come here and just say stuff like that? How dare he. Reki guesses he really had been the only one that ever viewed them as friends.
“I never said you were.” The reply comes quickly. A little too quickly in Reki’s opinion. “I just— it just wouldn’t be the same without it”. Langa’s voice gets progressively lower, until it’s barely above a whisper. It doesn’t sound like an apology, not really, but the tone in Langa’s voice reminds Reki of the time he apologized in the rain. Reki hates it.
“Why do you care?” Reki almost cares that his voice carries more venom than he intended it to. Almost . ”It’s a skateboard dude, just buy yourself a new one”
“But I don’t want a new one,” Langa is looking at him now, his voice is insistent and his eyes burn holes in Reki’s soul. He sighs, “I don’t want a new one because someone I care about a lot made the old one for me.”
And okay, wow , Reki doesn’t know how to react to that. Not when he can tell Langa actually means it. Which does not make any sense considering all that had happened between them. Langa had broken his promise. Langa had left him behind. Langa is here right now asking him to be fucking support again, as if that’s the only thing he’s good for. He had no right to sound this genuine. To insinuate he cares about Reki even a fraction of as much as Reki does about him. Not at all.
“This person doesn’t seem all that important if you keep rubbing how useless they are to their face.” Reki doesn’t recognize his own voice, not when it’s mumbled and so low it’s almost inaudible. Not when it makes Langa step back with a painful look on his face. Sadness. Guilt.
“I’m more than some tech support guy you come to when you have problems, y’know?” Reki stands up. Raises his voice, hoping it will mask the way it’s quivering from the tears that are starting to form in his eyes. “I don’t want to just be the guy waiting on the finish line! What's even the point of that? What’s the point if I’m not the one skating? What’s the point if—” If I’m not skating with you? Reki doesn’t finish the sentence. He can’t. If he acknowledges it the sentiment would be too real. It scares him.
“Then skate.” It’s a simple sentence. One that Langa says with so much ease. But it’s not that simple, it can’t be. Life doesn’t work like that. Except that, to Langa, maybe it does. Maybe it does to the geniuses. But Reki is not one of them, so it can’t work the same way. He’s about to tell Langa it’s not that simple when he sees him get something out of his pocket. Out of his pocket and into Reki’s hand. “Here.”
When Reki looks down he is met with red and yellow. His colors. Or at least colors that once were his. Except these colors form a heart. And then an arrow. And then a letter. They are carefully painted over the enamel engraving. There was once a time he’d loved this logo more than anything. Now it almost feels like a mockery.
“Where did you get this?” His eyes are still focused on the pin, no doubt the same one he had given up the night before. It had the same scratches, the same damage from all the falls it had taken alongside Reki.
“Security gave it to me when I asked about you,” he doesn’t have to look to know Langa is still staring at him. Reki won’t give him the satisfaction of returning the gaze, “said you told him you wouldn't need it anymore”.
“He’s right,” Reki lets out a noise that he intends to be a snort, though it doesn’t quite sound like one. He closes his hand and holds it towards Langa, eyes focused on the ground. “I don’t deserve that”.
“Yes, you do!” Reki isn’t prepared for the way Langa shouts. He doesn’t think he had heard Langa even as much as raise his voice ever since they met. He immediately decides he hates the sound of it.
“No, I don’t!” He pushes at Langa’s chest, maybe the motion would help him understand. “I’m not good like you guys, I can’t skate like that, I can’t keep up! Not with S. Not with you.”
“Reki, that's not true!” He feels Langa’s hand grasp around his wrist. As he had done multiple times before. Reki finds the gesture to be more comforting than he’ll ever be able to admit. “Reki you’re so good. You’re more than good. You’re amazing . I really wish you could see that.”
Langa doesn’t mention the fact that Reki is crying when he finally looks back up. He just looks at him, smiles, and pulls Reki into the biggest hug he’d ever given him. Langa had never been one for physical affection, but he does it now. He does it now because Reki needs him to. The knowledge brings a warm feeling to Reki’s chest.
“How long have you been feeling like that for?” The question is muffled in Reki’s hair. Hair that only shakes in reply. Langa hums and tightens the hug, as if he knows what the answer is. Reki thinks he probably does. “I’m sorry for not noticing. You don’t have to believe me but you really are amazing. I don’t know who put those ideas in your head, but just tell me who it is and I’ll send Joe and Cherry after them.” Reki looks up in confusion and Langa laughs a little, “we both know I can’t fight and they’re a lot more intimidating.”
And just like that Reki feels the tension break. It breaks as he looks into Langa’s eyes, an image of the boy trying to fight filling his head. It’s such an alien concept that he starts laughing. Properly. For what feels like the first time in forever. He doesn’t know if the pleasant feeling in his chest right now comes from the laughter or from the fact that he genuinely felt better. Because of Langa. Because of course he did.
Langa is also laughing, though way less than Reki. And when it dies down he looks at him with a smile, a look Reki can only describe as fond, “that’s way better. Promise me you’ll tell me right away if you ever feel like that again?”
This time it’s Reki’s turn to smile at him. “ Oh ? You sure you want to make another promise this soon?” And okay, maybe that’s a bit mean but Reki thinks Langa deserves it. It’s worth it even if just for the way Langa blushes and seems to stop functioning at the question. Reki laughs again.
“Yeah, I promise.”
Reki ends up agreeing to fix Langa’s board. He not only fixes but also improves and repaints it. With another snow monster, of course, he couldn’t do anything different. Not when the cute snow monster reminds him of Langa.
He finishes the repairs on a Friday. He and Langa had agreed not to go to S that night. A new show Reki wanted to watch had come out earlier that week and they decided to have a sleepover and binge watch it all night long. Except of course they don’t. Because Langa is fast asleep before midnight hits. Resting his head on Reki's shoulder. Reki who still has the laptop playing the show on his lap. Reki who can’t help but laugh as he looks back at Langa, a familiar feeling in his chest. At Langa’s face, so soft and relaxed under the glow of the screen. At Langa’s hair and the way it falls over his eyes, as if asking Reki to play with it. At Langa’s lips and the way he is drawn to them, as the faint light makes them look so soft and—
Oh .
So that’s what the feeling had been.
Reki shakes his head, chuckling softly as he closes his laptop. Oh well , he thinks, that is a problem for future Reki to deal with . Because right now all he does is push Langa off his shoulder, onto the bed. He makes sure Langa is covered with a blanket before falling to his side. And if he falls asleep that night with a dopey smile in his face, then no one would ever have to know.