Chapter Text
Hinata woke up with a scream caught in his throat. His heart was racing and blood pumping all around him. He darted his eyes around, trying to adjust to the darkness of the room. A shooting pain came from his stomach and he fell back on to his bed.
He curled up, trying to rid of the pain. Trying to ease it. He looked up to the ceiling, and with teary eyes, he cursed whatever god was up there, if there was any to begin with.
He clenched tighter and closed his eyes. He counted to ten, and opened them again. Desperately wanting the scenery to change.
He shouldn’t be alive.
After opening his eyes, and slowly sitting back up, Hinata looked across his messy room, although it was more tidy than usual. His eyes landed on the note laid across his desk, his messy handwriting written on to each line.
From the bed, he could still make out all the words on that paper. He saw all the apologies , and he felt the pain radiating from it. He noticed the pen laying next to the paper, open and just thrown on top of the desk.
He looked to his side, and stared at his reflection. His hair was shooting up in different directions, and he noticed how his chest heaved with every breath he took.
It was evident, at least judging by the reflection, that he was shaking. Shaking like a dying leaf hanging on to it’s tree in a windy autumn day. His eyes unfocused. His breathing slowed. His heart rate was calming down, feeling as if he’d just ran a marathon. He closed his eyes once again and strained his neck upwards.
“Fuck” he cursed with so much venom. A tear making it’s way down his temple, falling into his ginger hair.
He wiped it harshly and laid back down.
Hours flew by as he laid awake. The sun rising and illuminating his room. After hours of being still and stiff, he turned to look at his clock. It was lunchtime. Meaning he had missed half of school already.
He gets up and makes his bed. He tidied up his desk. Hinata sat on his floor, limbs sprawled out. He listened as the house breathed. It was quiet and slow, nothing out of the usual.
It seemed like nobody knew. Not even the house. Not even the four walls enclosing his room where he was in right now.
Nobody knew what he had tried.
He walked slowly to the bathroom. Thankful that the pain in his stomach has relented just enough for him to make it to the toilet to throw up in time.
He emptied himself out so much that as some point he thought he was throwing up himself. With shaky hands he wiped off the spit on his chin, on shaky knees he got up and stood straight, and with shaky fingers he grasped the handle and flushed the toilet.
He washed his hands, and turned up to stare his reflection once again. Noticing the dark eyes bags and melancholic gaze.
With a tired body and aching soul, he walked back to his room and got ready.
He walked out of the house, bags in hand, on his way to school. His head was pounding slightly, a constant reminder of what he had done. He shook himself awake a bit more , and walked in to school.
He took the rest of his classes, and got ready for volleyball practice, dressing up in the bathrooms.
When he walked in to the gym, his posture was slumped and his face devoid of his usual emotion. Happiness.
Nobody mentioned anything, at first, but they looked at him in concern.
Kageyama laying off of their usual bickering, noticing the horrible mood Hinata was in.
They all finished practice quite early. Hinata too utterly exhausted to try to function to at least have a small sense of normality. And everyone too worried to be at their best of their abilities.
Suga was the first one to approach him. He gently walked over and placed his soft hand on Hinatas shoulder. His eyes helped a poorly concealed sadness as he asked what was wrong.
Hinata merely shrugged, too tired.
Nishinoya jumped in and quickly asked again what was wrong. Not trying to hide anything and show that everyone was actually extremely confused and worried.
“It didn’t work” That’s all Hinata said. Even so, he had whispered it.
Just three words. Yet they carried so much emotion everyone blinked in surprised, their worry doubling. They felt all pain and exhaustion those words carried. All the tears that have been cried, and all the yells that have been screamed out. They felt the weight of those simple three words.
“Hinata-“ Daichi started, but stopped. Not knowing what to say.
Yamaguchi stepped in and timidly asked. “Hinata?...what happened?” he said.
Hinata took a deep breath and held it for five seconds. Exhaling. “It didn’t work ” he said once again.
Suga looked at him in the eyes. His eyes showing everything he was feeling. “What didn’t work?” he asked. Not knowing that with those words he’d open a door that had been locked for far to long.
Hinata stared back, his eyes watered. And suddenly he found his knees buckling from beneath him, sending him kneeling on the ground. Suga followed him, hands gripping Hinatas arms tightly in support.
Everyone stepped forward, but stopped when they heard the guttural sob coming from within their teammate.
“It d-didn’t work. I-I-I’m still here” Hinata sobbed harshly, gripping onto Sugas jersey as if his life depended on it.
“Hinata I- ...what didn’t work?” Suga asked once again. Part of him now wishes he didn’t. Denial is cunning.
With broken sobs, Hinata muttered his dark secret. He whispered how he had tried to kill himself the night before, and failed.
All everyone could do was stair at the pair on the floor. Watch as Sugas eyes widened with tears and how his arms enveloped Hinatas shaking and crying frame desperately. As if he were to ever let go, Hinata would too.
They watched as their teammate became undone right in front of their eyes. They watched as he crumbled and fell apart right on the very floor they were standing on. They watched and they watched. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to do to make it better. Not knowing if they could make it better.
“W-Why d-d-didnt it work?” Hinata cried into Sugas steady chest. Feelings loving arms hold him as he was cracking through the seams.
Suga took a breath. “Because it wasn’t meant to. Y-You’re not supposed to d-die Hinata” he said, having a hard time even spitting out the words. “You deserve to live. You deserve to love. You deserve to be loved” he added. “That’s why it didn’t work”
“It hurts” he cried.
“I know” he soothed.
“So bad” he cried harder.
“Please, i know Hinata, i know. It’s okay” he hugged him a little tighter.
Suga looked up in desperation, seeing the distraught faces of all his other teammates. People he consider family. He saw them as he held Hinata. A tired boy, too tired for his own good.
“I can’t keep living like this” Hinata whispered. Resignation seeping through his words. Showing how he’s fought for too long, too hard and is too tired. How he’s already given up.
“We will help. And you will get better” Kageyama said, sniffling softly at the end. Staring at the young boy who’s head tucked inside Sugas embrace.
“I wanted to die”
“I know”
“I want to die”
“I know Shouyou. I know” Suga said, the use of Hinatas first name causing his chest to tighten with emotions.
“Please- Please” Hinata begged. Pleading, clawing at the back of Sugas shirt once again.
“ God ” He sighed. “Please help me”