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Is becoming a routine. They have wild sex; Sam falls sleep right away and Hyde rolls over the cot for hours ahead. He doesn’t know what keeps his sleep away, but maybe is the fact that his life was torn apart in the short time of two months. Is difficult to find someone to put the blame on other than himself. Sometimes, he blames Edna and Bud for being two pieces of shit; more often, he blames Jackie for putting him on the corner, for fleeing from him and then, last but definitely not least, for always having a soft spot for Kelso. Yet, all these times he tries to justify the giant bullshit his life has become, he ends up facing himself in the mirror and acknowledging all his wrong choices.
He takes a peek at Sam before leaving the bed. Is not her fault he can’t drive himself to love her. He cares for her, respects her. But to lie down and hold her into the night, to kiss her forehead and breath in her scent, to really love her; that was something else entirely.
The bathroom of the basement smells different. Is clean, like always, but there’s no more scent candles, no more jasmine perfumes, no more coconuts shampoos. Now, Sam’s pine perfume fills the air, making him feel as trap as it could be. Even so, he takes a piss with the most calmness in the world. There’s no need for rush when there’s nowhere to go.
When he looks down, though, he sees something odd in the trash can. Is pink and bright and it pulls his attention. Not caring very much for hygiene issues, he picks up, discovering a pregnancy test. Heart pacing speeds up when he sees two pink stripes and his mind is flooded with raven curls on his pillow, soft thighs around his hips and big rounded eyes guiding him through the gates of heaven.
Is in some sort of blind state that he rushes off the basement; El Camino’s keys in hand. In his mind, there’s only one thought, going over and over, and it has Jackie’s name craved on it. The apartment where she lives in now, with Fez, is not that far, and he arrives there in two beats, considering the speed he travels in. He’s still blind when he knocks on the door, palm flattened against the wood, scaring away all the night spirits.
For his damn luck, she’s the one to open, and he doesn’t wait another second before sliding into the barely lightened apartment.
“Tell me is mine,” he demands.
Jackie’s eyes denounce her sleepy state as she stares back at him in her night silk robe, confused as if she had just arrived into this world.
If he could see himself, Hyde would be surprised of his features. His face is flustered, the muscles of his jaw are tense and his shoulders are strained. But apart from all, he carries a gleam in his eyes, a tiny, mighty flame burning in the depths of his soul and illuminating the tiny living room.
“Jackie, please,” he pleads now. “Tell me whose is it.”
Hyde can’t even pretend he’s not terrified Jackie’s pregnant of Kelso, as his scarred heart is insisting on telling him. Just the possibility of is killing him. If she has to be pregnant of someone, in this damn life, he can only pray it’s from him.
“Steven, it’s 2am. What the hell are you talking about?” She hugs tight the robe around her body, as to protect herself from his craziness.
Or maybe she’s just cold. But his eager eyes fall to her belly and the prospect that he’s scaring her causes real ache to his body.
He tries to breathe in, calm down and don’t be a jerk for once. “I found the pregnancy test, okay?”
“What pregnancy test?” Jackie looks even more lost.
He wishes she’d just crack up already, cry desperately, run for his arms.
“In the bathroom, I found it, Jackie. I know you’re pregnant so just please, be honest.” Hyde pauses, swallowing dry before continuing. “I know we aren’t together anymore, but that’s fine. We can – Just, please... Is it mine?”
For the first time, he recognizes the roots of his deviant behavior. From seeing a pink box in the trash can to standing in front of her in the middle of the night. And is not despair and is not distrust, it is hope. Simple and plain hope.
Her brows rose in surprise and then descent in a frown. “I’m not pregnant, Steven.” She says like she’s testing the water. “Whatever is that you found, is not mine.”
“Oh,” comes out of his mouth. And all of that anxious doubt and anticipated bliss outflows his body, leaving him standing with nothing. “You’re not pregnant?”
“No,” she confirms.
“Oh… well. Forget it, then.”
Feeling the weight of his shoulders, Hyde motions to leave, but Jackie takes a step into his path, blocking him from the way out.
“Steven, wait up.” She raises a hand up to his chest, but doesn’t really touch it, just hoover over, building up a barrier; her eyes are carefully observing his every move. “Are you... disappointed I’m not pregnant of your baby?”
“What?” He takes a step back while his hand searches for his shades, but falls back hallow when doesn’t find it. “No!”
“Oh my god. Steven, you are!”
“I’m not!”
“Yes, you are!”
“No. I’m not,” he says slowly, to put emphasis. But an unstoppable smirk grows in her lips, and it feels like he’s being beat up by it. “You know what? I don’t know why I came here, cause even if you were pregnant, I wouldn't marry you, not even out of pity!”
Her posture quickly changes from amused to horrified, jaw falling open by a split second before she realizes she shouldn’t had expected anything better from him. Jackie’s voice is shaken when she says, “Get out!”
Hyde closes his eyes shut and gulps down the anger he didn’t know he had brought with him. And he’s so damn angry all the time, especially when she’s around.
“I’m sorry, Jackie.” He tries to take a step closer, but she withdraws. “I didn’t come here for this.”
“Then why did you come for?”
He only shrugs to her vexed face. Not because he doesn’t know the answer. He does know he came to here hoping she would say: yes.
Yes Steven. What are we gonna do now, Steven?
And he would take a deep breath, hold her close and say: don’t worry.
Don’t worry, Jackie. We’re gonna figure it out.
And then he would grab this chance by the neck and do his best off it. And maybe, fortunately, she would forgive him. Take him back. And he would finally stop feeling this great void inside his ribcage.
But Hyde doesn’t say that to her, he just shrug. And when Jackie gets tired of his lack of words, because she always does, she opens the door and step aside the way. He can only walks thought it like the miserable coward he is.
“Hey, Steven,” she calls when he’s just passed by her. He turns his eyes back to meet hers, and he sees pure disappointment in them. “Truth is, if I were really pregnant of you, you weren’t gonna marry me anyway. ‘Cause you’re already married, Steven.”
He blinks rapidly. Sam. He completely, honestly had forgotten about her, as like he had fell into a spell. Double guilt presses his shoulders even lower and he feels like the worst man ever to walk earth.
“Maybe the test is hers. Best of lucks to the newlyweds.”
Jackie’s eyes are cold weapons pointed to him, sentencing the death of them. Of him. Once upon a time, that girl was his and he would have raised an army of children if they were theirs. He would do it feeling like a strong man. And now, Hyde couldn’t feel nothing but weak and defeated.
“I wanted it to be yours,” he murmurs, both hoping she would, and would not, listen. It is also a prayer, a final shot to cut the darkness of her eyes.
“Yeah, well.” But, as he sees unfolding in her eyes, his shot dies empty on the ground, failing its mission and dooming him forever. “Is too late for that, isn’t it?”
And then Jackie finally closes the door, shutting down all their remaining chances as well.