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I was still getting used to it. Even after a whole year, I still hadn’t fully processed that I was engaged, and that I was going to get married to the love of my life. It wasn’t just a dream, it was reality. I really was there, and that was going to happen.
It wasn’t a bad thing, of course it wasn’t. It was just hard, after everything I had gone through. I’d look at Karkat through our bathroom mirror and just wonder how a human like me could be so lucky. I’d stare at his face as we watched movies together, speaking and speaking while I almost fell asleep, and I’d just wonder if that really was real, if someone like me really was deserving of a guy like him.
I had just become 24, which was also unbelievable. I was 24 and less than a week away from marrying my best friend, Karkat Vantas, the man who had made me realize everything, the one who helped me find everything I didn’t know I was looking for. That week, I found my old diary. It was one I hadn’t written on for years.
So many possibilities, I thought as I grabbed the pen. There was so much I could write, so much I could say. I had so much on my head, so many images of him.
I was the only person in the universe who had the privilege of seeing his face so up close, him having just come out of the shower, wearing only his underwear and nothing else. I had the privilege of seeing him eat his favorite food and smile at his favorite TV shows, and I couldn’t express on paper how lucky I felt for having all that.
It was like winning the lottery. Hell, it was better than winning the lottery! Karkat Vantas gave me everything I needed to survive, everything I needed to breathe. There was nothing else I wanted, and nothing else to do, when he existed right there.
It sounded so fucking cliché, but I really would move mountains for him.
I began writing in the diary. “I am less than a week away from marrying my best friend, and that’s a stupid way to start this”.
But I couldn’t, even if I tried, express everything I felt for him, everything I felt about that date, our date. God. Everything would change, but also… it would stay the same?
So I decided to write a title, that would help me begin. “Four days before our day”.
“I love him, of course I love him, and what more can I say? Am I able to express here how he has saved my life in ways I didn’t even know were possible? I don’t know, I’m just a really helpless guy right now, can’t stop thinking about what’s to come, can’t stop thinking that I’m gonna be happy forever”.
“I am so fucking lucky”.
I closed the diary because I didn’t want to go on and on about how much I loved his face, how much I loved staring into his eyes, and God, how the texture of his hands against my face just made me want to break down in tears. I didn’t want to waste too much time trying to find the words to describe what I felt but before I realized it, I had already written all of that down.
I wrote about his eyes, I wrote about his lips. I wrote about a really specific thing I liked about him, how he wrapped his hands around mine when we’d kiss. God, how I loved kissing him. The worst way to torture me would be to make me unable to kiss Karkat Vantas, unable to feel his lips against mine while we both had terrible breath in the mornings. I also loved kissing him right after taking a shower, while my hair was still wet, my skin cold, and his lips were the warmth I needed. I loved kissing him when he was angry, and that was really dangerous, because sometimes he got even angrier when I did that. I loved it when he kissed me, with no warning, walking behind me as I sat on the computer, or just whenever he wanted to wake me up.
I loved his voice, and the way it said my name. I loved to hear him go on and on about things I didn’t even understand, and most of all, I loved him. I loved his heart, I loved the way his brain worked. I loved how good he was, how amazing he was as a person. I had absolutely no doubt, I agreed with everything he stood for. I could trust him to do anything because I just knew that he would never deceive me, that he would do anything for me, because I had the miracle of him loving me too.
Shit, he loved my eyes. He wouldn’t say it much but he would stare at them a lot… One of Karkat’s favorite activities (and mine too, to be honest) was just lying down together, staring at each other and whispering pretty words. During that, his eyes wouldn’t break contact with mine, only when we got too flustered. It was during one of those moments that I suddenly blurted out.
— I think I wanna get married.
He stared at me, confusedly.
— Like what Rose and Kanaya did?
— Yeah.
I could feel my face burn. I had gone on and on to my friends about wanting to marry Karkat, like the stupid human I was. We didn’t even need to do that, y’know? We lived together, we were going to be together forever, and getting married was just… something my heart wanted to do.
But with him. Only with him.
So after a few minutes of me speaking, and him trying to calm me down, he said it. With the soft look on his face that he always had, the beautiful red eyes staring into mine, he whispered: “yeah”.
“Is that all I need to say?”
And so my heart exploded.
Karkat Vantas wanted to get married to me.
Jegus, I really was lucky.