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There are many things in Night Vale that do not exist anywhere else. For example, literal five-headed dragons, a Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your House, and glow clouds [All Hail]. Another thing that only exists, for the most part, inside Night Vale is soul-mates. Now not everyone has a soul-mate. Only about one-fourth of the native-born population has a soul-mate. Now how a soul-mate works is complex, and therefore not explained at all until the age of fourteen, when children are old enough to have their auras read.
There is a long, complex ceremony involving nail polish and machetes that ends with a small portion of Night Vale’s youth knowing they have a soul-mate. Those with soul-mates experience some side effects, such as the desire for their soul-mate and the inability to find anyone else romantic or sexually attractive. A person knows when they’ve found their soul-mate after the ceremony because they will look at their soul-mate and feel instant, undeniable, all-encompassing love. Also, their oara will change color slightly and those who can read auras, which should be everyone over the age of nineteen the City Council has very strict rules about this, will be able to tell who their soul-mate is once they have found each other. One such member of Night Vale who was determined to have a soul-mate was a young Cecil Palmer. He was very excited. His best friend, Earl Harlan, who did not have a soul-mate, was also excited for Cecil, albeit secretly disappointed that this meant he would never have a chance with Cecil, who was completely oblivious to how his best friend felt about him since being bad at reading other people’s feelings regarding yourself is a side effect of having a soul-mate. Cecil was determined to find his soul-mate as soon as he saw the green slime floating above his head marking him as one-half of a soul-bond. Cecil went about to find his soul-mate with the help of his best friend and literally anyone else who said they might know someone.
Cecil kept a list of every person in Night Vale as he systematically checked them off as ‘not it’. The City Council started to get worried around year three of this. Normally, the fourteen-year-olds with soul-mates would find each other within a year or maybe two if they didn’t get out much. Cecil had even broken into City Hall to meet the office workers eternally working and none of them was his soul-mate either. Now the Station Management was also worried as the prophesied Voice of Night Vale was spending way more time getting into trouble so he could systematically meet every member of the Secret Police than he was learning the ancient secrets of the station. The people of Night Vale were worried too, they saw Cecil out and about every day looking for his soul-mate and the whole town loved him. They viewed him as a son for those old enough to have children and as a brother for those who were not. They were so very, very worried for the future Voice of Night Vale. Cecil was a few weeks past nineteen when he was taken in by the Secret Police for the last time.
“Not that I’m objecting to arrest or anything, but… What exactly did I do this time? Like I’m thinking back and I can’t remember anything I did since the last time you took me in. Oh! Is there a new officer I could meet?” Cecil had asked as they tied him to a metal chair in a big, but far from empty room.
“Cecil Palmer,” Came the voices of the City Council, all in perfect unison. “We are here on behalf of your friends, family, community, and future. Cecil Palmer, we are sorry, but this has to stop now.”
“Well, not to interrupt- But if there aren’t any new members of the Sheriff's Secret Police then I won’t. I’d just like to know if there ever are any new members so I can meet them.” Cecil smiled widely and without fear.
“No, Cecil. You need to give up on this now. We hate to say this but no one has ever taken this long to find their soul-mate.” Cecil looked like he was about to interrupt so they continued a bit louder. “Cecil. Give up, this is an intervention. If you have not found your soul-mate yet…” The City Council sighed, and continued a bit softer. “You’re not going to, Cecil. We are sorry. But you have been looking for your soul-mate for over five years. It’s time to face the facts. Your soul-mate is somewhere you cannot find them.”
“Well, then I’ll look harder, I’ll leave Night Vale if I have to.” Cecil’s stomach was churning and tears rolled down his face.
“Cecil. Prophesied Voice of Night Vale, and one who holds the heart of the city. Your soul-mate is dead.” The City Council continued over Cecil’s screaming objections. “You have to face it Cecil. Move on with your life, you are too important to the town to just ignore your responsibilities to chase after someone who isn’t there. We are very sorry, Cecil.”
And they were, which made Cecil’s heartache even more. Cecil didn’t know this at first but the whole town knew about the intervention. For the next six months people sent him food, and flowers, and homemade blankets that smelled like the radio station. He got cards and sympathetic looks, and a lot of love from the city that viewed him as their son/brother. The whole city was also involved on The Cecil Watch. This involved watching Cecil, more than normal at least, to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid, like try to leave. Cecil did, repeatedly. It wasn’t until the Sheriff's Secret Police implanted some fake memories of a trip to Europe that he stopped trying to run away and started taking his job seriously again. Cecil, however, took his work a bit more seriously than even Station Management was expecting, and once he took over running his show never seemed to want to leave the station. And when he did leave it was only to go home and paint water-colors of the radio station he gave to the interns. The people of Night Vale weren’t sure what to think of this new Cecil. They all loved him dearly as a son/brother, and true, workaholic Cecil was better off than mentally unstable Cecil. But Cecil had exactly one hobby that didn’t relate to his work, and that was the Bowling League. He was only in the Bowling League because Old Woman Josie would forcibly drag him out of the house once a week. Although everyone did have to admit it was funny to watch a grown man be pulled out of his house and down to the bowling alley by an old woman a third of his size, they were also a bit saddened by it.
Two things finally seemed to bring back the Cecil they all knew and loved. First, his niece Janice was born. Cecil loved Janice with as much love as the town held for him. He went to his sister’s to play with her as a baby, and as she grew he did all he could to be the best uncle he could. The second thing that snapped Cecil out of his eternal gloom was Steve Carlsburg. Apparently, hating Steve Carlsburg gave Cecil enough energy to live a normal life. He started acting like any normal citizen just to prove to whoever cared that he was a more normal citizen than Steve Carlsburg. The people of Night Vale were happy with the relatively normal Cecil. His family was happy, even Steve, who did love his brother-in-law and was glad Cecil’s irrational hatred of him at least helped Cecil get a better work-life balance. Station Management was happy. The City Council and the Sheriff’s Secret Police were happy. Everyone was happy, even Cecil. He was deeply lonely at times but had learned to ignore it. He had his sister and her family, he had the bowling league and Old Woman Josie, he had the interns, though it was best not to get too attached to any of them they were still his friends, and he had all the different authority figures that took way too much of an interest in his life, like the City Council, Station Management, and the Sheriff of the Secret Police.
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It took Carlos quite a while to realize he wasn’t like everyone else. It was his sophomore year of high school and he still hadn’t had his first crush. He wasn’t interested in guys because they were too rough and girls because they were too dramatic. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a partner of some kind, often at night, he imagined feeling the arms of someone holding him close and kissing him softly. But the minute he tried to put a face to those thoughts it made him uncomfortable. Imagining the person as a guy made him feel like he was cheating on the mystery person and imagining a girl made him realize how unattractive he found them. He didn’t end up dating at all in high school and the one relationship he had in college ended when the guy tried to kiss him and Carlos panicked and accidentally pushed him down the stairs.
Carlos decided to give up, he was obviously somewhere on the Asexual and/or Aromanic spectrum and he didn’t feel like looking into it too hard. Yes, he was very lonely and wanted to have that weird dream person be with him in real life but that wasn’t going to work out. So, Carlos focused on science. He went to school, then back to school, then never left when he finally got a job for the university as a researcher. He had more degrees than most of the professors and didn’t care. Whenever he got lonely while most people would have gone on a date or found a casual hook-up, Carlos got another degree.
Carlos was supposed to be in his early fifties, Carlos didn’t look it. His biologist friends always loved when he’d offer them blood samples. It was a miracle, they said, and his doctors agreed. Carlos was medically, still somewhere between his mid-thirties and early forties. No one could figure it out but he’d stopped aging at the proper rate. Carlos supposed it was a good thing then that he’d never had a serious relationship, it would have been awful to have to tell his partner that time didn’t seem to want to work right for him. When Carlos was given the opportunity to go study a strange town in the desert of the south-west he was excited. Maybe in this weird town, they called Night Vale, he would get a clue as to why he was different.
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Cecil was somewhere between thirty and forty, probably. He didn’t necessarily look it but he didn’t really look any younger or older either. He couldn’t remember exactly how old he was when he graduated high school, or how long he had been working in radio. That was normal for Night Vale, age didn’t really work right and it wasn’t like it mattered since hardly anyone died of old age anyway. What wasn’t normal for Night Vale was the group of scientists that had just come to town. They were not normal at all, and that was incredible. Cecil was able to see them moving into their lab from his third eye and he introduced them on the show. He could tell that there was one scientist that was the most handsome man he’d ever met, but that was all. The scientist, the handsome one, Cecil wasn’t paying any attention to the other ones, could be seen through his third eye calling a town meeting. Cecil took it upon himself to go see what he wanted to say.
The meeting was held outside the scientist’s lab and Old Woman Josie and her new definitely not angel friends had brought muffins. The muffins were too good for most people to pass up so everyone decided to play it safe and not shout ‘Interloper’ at the new scientist in case Old Woman Josie or her not angel friends took offense. Cecil looked at Carlos as he gave a speech that lasted way too long for everyone else and nowhere near long enough for Cecil. He looked into the crowd and made eye-contact with Cecil. Suddenly Cecil felt it, that terrifying wonderful feeling everyone had spent the last however many years convincing him he would never feel. This scientist, this Carlos, was Cecil’s soul-mate and he was perfect. Cecil practically danced back to the station and on the air said, “And I fell in love, instantly.”
All around the town people looked to their radios and squealed in high-pitched joy. Janice and her friends started cheering. Steve Carlsburg looked up from his work and laughed with delight. Old Woman Josie explained to her angel friends what that meant and they all danced in celebration. Members of the Sheriff’s Secret Police passed notes to each other and whispered in joyful disbelief. Even the City Council took a break from planning their next emergency escape plan to celebrate for the Voice of Night Vale. Station Management even decided to give Cecil a gift, though he wouldn’t notice the floating cat in the bathroom for another day or two, and it was a good thing Cecil never realized Khoshekh was a gift from Management otherwise he would have been far less likely to adopt the cat.
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Carlos called a town meeting, he didn’t quite know how he had, but he had, somehow. He gave a little introduction to his team and what they were doing and it all seemed to be going great. He smiled and looked out into the audience and saw a man. The man was wearing a Night Vale Community Radio shirt and they locked eyes. For the first time in his life, Carlos felt an attraction to something other than science. He wanted to run up to that man and hug him, kiss him, do very indecent things with him, and why in the world was he thinking like this.
He finished up as quickly as he could and went inside. He distracted himself by moving boxes. Not very long later, the radio began to play, it was embedded into the walls and had speakers all through the lab so you couldn’t help but hear it. No one knew how to turn it off except the local chemist who also used this lab and was helping them move in. Ze explained that this was the Night Vale Community Radio station and everyone needed to listen to Cecil, the radio host apparently. Carlos wasn’t paying much attention at first but the voice was so calming, and appealing in the same way that man he’d seen earlier was appealing. Carlos did start listening when the radio host began to describe him. Carlos blushed at the description. He had just set down another box when he heard the host say, “And I fell in love, instantly.”
He was sure he wasn’t imagining it when he began hearing the sounds of distant cheering. Even Jax, the local chemist, stopped dead in zir tracks and smiled so wildey Carlos and the other scientists could see way too many shark-like teeth. Ze looked at the very embarrassed Carlos. “Congratulations. Wouldn’t have thought it of you, Mr. Scientist.”
“That’s not my name,” Carlos mumbled.
“Yeah it is, says so on your residency paperwork. Anyway,” Ze set down the box ze was holding. “I need to call Earl, he probably didn’t hear since he’s been with the scouts since he got a son. He’ll be so happy to hear this.” Ze rushed out without explaining what ze meant.
Jax wasn’t the only one around town who treated Carlos oddly. While the other scientist had people yelling ‘Interloper!” at them on a regular basis for the first couple of weeks, everyone just smiled at Carlos and asked how Cecil was doing. People would then get confused when Carlos explained that he hadn’t actually talked to the radio host yet. After about a week of people asking how Cecil was doing Carlos was about exhausted with it. True, he had been informed that the man he’d found so ridiculously attractive at his meeting was the Cecil everyone was asking him about, but that didn’t mean anything.
Carlos had always been very bad at knowing whether or not people had feelings for him. There was no way that this wasn’t some sort of odd publicity stunt. And yet, when they officially met for the first time, because Jax wouldn’t stop harassing him about it, Cecil was so sweet. Cecil hung on every word as Carlos explained that since the government of Night Vale was a little on the unusual side he wanted to use Cecil’s radio station to get the news out whenever his team made a break-though. Cecil nearly squealed with delight and Carlos could tell he was trying very, very hard to stay professional, it wasn’t working very well. Cecil gave Carlos his personal number, saying it was the best way to get in contact.
“Like, if you need to get out information to the public. Or you want to have a native’s opinion on something. Or you’re free for dinner, lunch, coffee, anything really and just want to hang out. Or if you don’t even want to hang out and just want to talk. Or anything really.” Cecil blushed a little. “Just let me know, I’m ready whenever you are.” He said with the most suggestive smirk while giving Carlos an appreciative once over.
Carlos had a weird feeling in his stomach and promptly excused himself to hide in his room. He was aware that adults flirted with each other all the time. He was aware that Cecil obviously was interested in him… Or at least in having sex with him. He flopped onto his bed and buried his head into the pillow. Maybe if he just slept with the guy he’d work out whatever weird feelings he suddenly had. Or it would make it worse. The fact he had no clue whether or not Cecil was actually wanting a relationship was worry-some. What if saying something like, ‘I fell in love instantly’ was a Night Valian way of saying Cecil wanted to hook up with him and that was it. Carlos groaned. He knew what the problem was, at least a bit of it. He didn’t want a casual relationship with Cecil and his ridiculous fashion sense. Carlos wanted to go over to the radio station and kiss Cecil senseless then start planning their future. Well, not literally, but he definitely knew that if he had a relationship of any kind with the radio host he’d want everything. But was he willing to do that?
Carlos, ever the scientist, decided to test this by having a purely work-based relationship with Cecil. He would call and tell Cecil it was for science reasons, Carlos pretended not to hear the disappointment in Cecil’s voice. He also pretended he didn’t notice how more and more of the townspeople were pestering him about Cecil. Hardly a few hours went by without someone either calling him Cecil’s boyfriend, asking about Cecil, or telling him he was being a jerk to Cecil. That last one bothered him. Cecil, no matter how beloved by the town, and secretly himself, was not owed a relationship with him just because Cecil regularly declared his love on the radio. Everyone seemed to think that just because Cecil liked him ment that he belonged to Cecil. He’d even gotten in trouble with the Sheriff’s Secret Police for trying to use his last name.
“But my name isn’t Carlos the Scientist. My name’s Carlos-”
“NOPE!” The Sheriff said from his hover office. “You are legally Carlos the Scientist. It says so on your paperwork and on your city ID. You have a first name and a title. Carlos, name. The Scientist, title.” Carlos wanted to ram his head into a wall, dealing with anyone about his name always went like this.
“But I need a last name, right? Isn’t there a law about that somewhere?” Night Vale had laws for everything else after all.
The Sheriff chuckled, “Well, I mean if you want a last name so bad ask Cecil. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind letting you share.”
Carlos felt oddly exposed. “It’s fine. Thank you, Sheriff.” It never hurt to be polite to someone literally always watching.
Carlos also felt more than a little exposed whenever Cecil described him doing something he hadn’t told Cecil about. Jax explained that Cecil’s third eye sometimes let him see things happening around town.
“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?”
Jax snorted. “Privacy is an illusion. We have agents always watching and even if they weren’t we would still always be observed.” Jax then made a sly face. “Besides, isn't it kinda hot knowing he could be watching no matter what?”
Carlos didn’t dignify that with an answer because, honestly, yes it was. Should he have been upset that at any time his privacy could be violated without his consent? Absolutely. It also should have bothered him that even Cecil apparently didn’t even have complete control of the ability and so saw things he didn’t even want to see. But somehow, whenever he showered or changed or… did other things the thought that Cecil could be watching him right that second was not a negative. If he started wearing less clothes to bed and showing longer it wasn’t because he liked the idea that he was secretly being watched. Except he was a scientist and scientists don’t lie to themselves, he was definitely doing it because he liked the idea of Cecil watching him.
Liking the idea of being watched and wanting to start a relationship were too different things though. Carlos really liked Cecil, they had few interactions but he loved how Cecil looked at him like he was the most amazing thing in the room. Cecil clearly didn’t understand what he was saying half the time, but he tried so hard to look like he knew. If it was just him and Cecil he probably would have taken Cecil upon his very flirty and unsubtle requests for a date, spying third eye and all. He wanted to have a wondrous relationship, dinners, dancing, a house with a picket fence, the whole nine yards.
The problem was Carlos didn’t like that he was expected to do all those things with Cecil. Every time he called Cecil Jax would give him a look that said exactly what ze thought. At least once a week the cashier at the Ralphs tried to sell him condoms and lube. Old Woman Josie sent Erikas over to the lab on a regular basis with wedding magazines and Erika's insistence that Old Women Josie needed to see Cecil married before she died or it would affect her piece in the afterlife. The Sheriff of the Secret Police sent him several large boxes, each marked, ‘Based on Cecil’s Internet History of the Fanfiction He Reads These Will Be Really Great For The Two of You To Use During ‘Couple Bonding’ Also You Really Do Need to Buy Some of That Lube Marcy’s Always Trying to Sell You Because I Know Neither You Nor Cecil Have Enough And If Your Worried About Catching Something Don’t Because I Know Cecil’s Never Done Anything With A Partner’. Carlos did not open the boxes with the least discreet packaging and labels he’d ever seen and put them immediately into the back of his closet. Of course, it wasn’t like anyone hadn’t seen them, for the next week the only person who didn’t mention it at least once was Cecil himself, who looked oddly embarrassed.
When Carlos finally caved and desired to pick up a bottle of lube so he’d stop having to hear the question every week, Marcy just smiled and handed him a lube container that had at least two liters in it and said it was on the house, a gift from Marcus Vanston apparently. Even the most self-absorbed guy in the town wanted him to get with Cecil. What exactly happened when the townspeople got him and Cecil together that they were so keen for? Did they get to watch or something? Carlos tried to shake the thought. Did they need him as a blood sacrifice or something? Or maybe they needed two adult virgin men to… to what? Summon a demon? Carlos was going to lose his mind if this kept up. He wanted to be with Cecil more than anything, by this point if the University decided to pull funding he’d get a job doing anything just to stay in Night Vale so he could keep in touch with Cecil. But how was anyone supposed to live with the constant knowledge that every person in the whole town was unhealthily invested in making sure he and Cecil were going to be a couple.
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Cecil definitely wasn’t hurt that the soul-mate he’d waited his whole life for didn’t want a relationship. Nope, he was fine, really, now just to get back to staring into space crying while contemplating how much it would hurt Carlos if he were to drop dead. Likely not very much at all he reasoned.
“Cecil-”
“Get out of my house Steve Carlsburg.” It was said in the flattest, least angry voice Cecil had ever directed at Steve.
“Cecil, you’ve been looking at that wall for three hours.”
“Get out of my house Steve Carlsburg.”
“Cecil, I am here because I am the one person you hate more than anything in the world right? I mean, think of just how long and hard you’ve hated me. No one hates me more than you do. I mean, if hating me could fuel a car you’d be the best gas station in Night Vale.”
“Get out of my house Steve Carlsburg.”
Steve sighed, “Cecil. If you don’t get up, and do something, non-work related, for at least half an hour I will go over to that lab and I will deck Carlos, I really will.” That got Cecil’s attention, finally getting him to look away from the wall.
“How dare you threaten my perfect Carlos! Steve Carlsburg!”
“How dare you throw your life away again because your perfect Carlos isn’t dating you. Yet.” He added quickly, not needing more problems with Cecil at the moment.
Cecil sighed and collapsed back against the couch. “He doesn’t want me around. He only calls for work and he turns me down every time I offer anything. I’ve tried being flirty or polite or anything else I could think of and… He’s just not interested. I guess he just doesn’t want a soul-mate.” Cecil started to cry. “He just doesn’t want me, Steve. Now get out of my house. Please.”
It was such a broken cry it hurt listening to it. But Steve Carsburge was not so much of an idiot as to heed it, so he pulled his brother-in-law into a hug. For as much as Cecil was falling apart in his personal time, professionally he was as great as ever. Only Steve and Abby knew about his crumbling mental state, well, and the various people and entities constantly watching him, but even they decided to keep quiet, not wanting to upset the delicate balance of Cecil’s ‘I’m perfectly fine’ facade. He still was a perfectly supportive Uncle for Janice, he still was a loving owner to Khoshekh, he still was as smiley and upbeat for the radio. He still cried himself to sleep at night as he had since the intervention so long ago until the day he’d first met Carlos, only to start up the habit again since he realized Carlos was never going to stop rejecting his advances. No matter what people heard on the radio, Cecil was not fine
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Carlos had been in town a year. He still was interested in Cecil. Despite being mailed sex toys by the Sheriff, being given more lube than he knew what to do with by the local rich guy, and having seen more wedding plans could ever need courtesy of Old Woman Josie, he had not been scared off by the town. He smiled as he heard Cecil’s voicemail asking him to come to the station for a little ceremony. Carlos didn’t know if Cecil was using this as another sudo date opportunity or not. He wasn’t sure he cared anymore. He just knew that one way or another he was going to get up the courage to actually talk to Cecil about all of this. Just not today, maybe in a month or two when he got his feelings more straightened out.
Except, that didn’t work out. Instead, he had laid dying, still hearing the radio going, and could hear Cecil’s distressed crying. He was going to die and Cecil didn’t know he thought of the radio host as anything more than a work colleague. But then his life was saved by a guy he didn’t even like, at all, and he was okay. He could hear Cecil’s relieved voice on the radio and knew, creepy town caring way too much or not, that he needed to see Cecil.
“I’m calling for personal reasons.” He said like he hadn’t used science as an excuse to hear Cecil’s voice for the past year. Like he hadn’t relayed every time they ran into each other around the town until he could remember nearly every word they ever shared off the top of his head. Like he didn’t have a closet full of very inappropriate things given to him by people he didn’t know well enough to be comfortable with them knowing that much about him. Like he hadn’t fallen in love instantly too.