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It was a beautiful day at Valorant HQ. After the long winter, all the agents were glad to hear the birds chirping again. Brimstone decided this would be a great time to organize a picnic for the team since everyone was incredibly stressed recently.
Everyone was to bring their own food to the picnic so there was a variety of dishes to choose from. Many of the agents decided to make food from their native country to share with their teammates. Brimstone planned on firing up the grill and cooking burgers. Yoru worked hard on making authentic sushi. Phoenix was forbidden from bringing anything because people from the UK cannot cook.
The morning of the picnic, the kitchen was flooded with smells of food from all different cultures. Raze and Killjoy collaborated on making pretzels in various shapes, both covered head to toe with flour. Brimstone kept a close eye on them to ensure they didn’t set the entire kitchen on fire.
Reyna wasn’t big on eating food- she much preferred souls and pussy- but she was wearing an apron and mixing batter for a tres leches cake in the corner. Jett and Phoenix were hiding behind the counter, dying laughing at the sight. The duelists took turns taking pictures of the empress with Snapchat filters and sent them to Yoru and Raze.
Raze saw the notification and opened the image of Reyna with an inflated head, frustratedly reading the recipe next to the mixing bowl. She couldn’t help but burst into laughter and show Killjoy, who also started giggling. Reyna’s attention was immediately on the couple. Before she could ask why they were being so annoying, she saw the image on the phone. Chaos ensued.
Viper was not having any of that and instead opted to make a trip to the garden to find something there. Was it cheating? Probably. All the agents had access to Skye and Sage’s garden any time they wanted to, but Viper was not going to be caught dead in a kitchen full of kids and an angry milf. She checked to make sure nobody was in the garden to see her before picking a basket full of strawberries, then hastily retreating.
Finally, the time had come for the team picnic. The courtyard was full of tables and agents were slowly filing in. The smell of Brimstone’s grill filled the air. The captain sported a tee shirt with an American flag, cargo shorts, and an apron that said “DAD BOD” (courtesy of Killjoy). Raze was queueing up her party playlist on the speakers, beating her head to the beat. Sage had her hair in a low bun, dressed in a white sundress. She commented to Brimstone about how strange new music had become. Naturally, Jett and Reyna were staring at her from across the courtyard.
All the tables were eventually filled with food and drinks that everyone (except Phoenix) had provided. Jett went out of her way to bring the most obscure sodas she could find. Sage brought lovingly homemade dumplings. Yoru, Brimstone, Astra, and Cypher’s dishes all turned out perfectly. Omen made surprisingly good-looking chocolate chip cookies. Skye brought protein shakes. Nobody was going to touch Sova’s borscht. Reyna’s cake looked very sad. Many of Raze and Killjoy’s pretzels were shaped like dicks, ironically. Breach thought it would be funny to bring motor oil. It was not funny.
Viper was the last one to show up since she had to wait for everyone to be out of the kitchen to wash the strawberries. She wore a form-fitting black turtleneck tank top with a pencil skirt. Killjoy was in a relationship but she was drooling.
“Alright crew,” Brimstone bellowed, “Now that everyone’s here, grab your plates and let’s dig in!”
With that, the picnic started.
Jett somehow convinced Phoenix to drink ranch dressing flavored soda. Phoenix drank the entire bottle without gagging once. Jett was horrified.
Killjoy pretended to enjoy Brimstone’s dad jokes. Cypher actually did enjoy Brimstone’s dad jokes.
Raze and Astra were dancing to the music and slipping Skye’s Tasmanian tiger food underneath the table while the healer wasn’t looking.
Reyna was flirting with Sage, who was trying her hardest to enjoy the cake.
Viper sat far away from the rest of the team, tapping away mindlessly on Candy Crush, which had become a guilty pleasure of hers.
Sova and Breach decided to arm wrestle while Yoru and Omen looked on in amazement.
The arm wrestle lasted so long that other agents started to gather around. Phoenix was video-taping the ordeal, naturally. Even Viper looked up from Candy Crush when she heard everyone yell over Sova tipping the balance. Breach was obviously losing his composure at all the attention. Ever patient, Sova waited until the perfect moment to strike. Breach’s grip loosened for a split second, and the Russian slammed the mechanical arm onto the table. The duelists (minus Reyna) screamed.
“H-How?” The bionic initiator looked at Sova in shock.
Sova’s shoulders were being shaken by Phoenix who kept yelling, “Mad lad! Absolutely insane!” He blushed at all the attention and chuckled.
“I never skip arm day, friend.”
Breach reached his human arm out to Sova, “I’m impressed, man.”
Sova shook his hand with a gentle grip, “Thank you. Now, as agreed, you must eat an entire dish of my choosing, yes?”
The Swede sighed, “Guess so. What’s your choice?”
Sova examined the table with all the different dishes on them. All the good food was gone, the cake was obviously making Sage sick, it would be too predictable to have the loser drink a nasty soda or a dick-shaped pretzel, and it would just add insult to injury to have him eat borscht. But the entire basket that Viper brought was still full.
“Strawberries.”
Breach chuckled, “You call that a punishment? That’s nothing.”
“Eat them all in ten seconds then,” Sova smirked, “You are the largest one of us, there should be no issue.”
“Now we’re talkin’!” Breach stood up and made his way to the basket of strawberries.
These berries were perfectly grown by the healers (with some help from Omen). The basket was not that big, so Breach should have had no issue eating all of the berries in ten seconds.
Breach looked at the crowd and smiled confidently, “Start the timer.”
He took a handful of strawberries and shoved them in his mouth. By the time the timer was at three, everyone knew something was wrong.
Breach’s eyes went wide as he realized the strawberries were lodged in his throat. Still, his dumb ass figured he would be able to force them down with more strawberries. At seven seconds, he started coughing bits of strawberries up and hitting his chest with his fist. The timer beeped as he started to turn blue.
Sage rushed over and tried to give him the heimlich maneuver, but to no avail. He was too fucking fat. Everyone stared in disbelief as the stupid redhead continued to choke on strawberries. Finally, Breach couldn’t get any more oxygen, and he fell on the ground dead.
And that is the story of how the worst Valorant agent died at the team picnic.