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“You good?”
It wasn’t really a question that Bucky often thought off, it was a strange thing for him to think of really; and in fact nobody really asked Bucky if he was okay half the time.
See, Bucky didn’t get out too much, sure he went out with Yori once a week for sushi but that was for different reasons so now he was on missions with Sam it felt like a social interaction overload.
Bucky knew he wasn’t the most sociable person, Sam would be the first to agree, but hell, he was trying.
Sam had seen Bucky both as himself and both the winter solider, but the way Bucky seemed to fall a little too far into character when the Russian was whispered; it almost scared him.
Sam knew what Bucky was truly capable of - and now sam was wondering if Bucky held himself back on the trucks with the flag smashers; was this his true self?
But Bucky was hard to read, his eyes still now remained almost emotionless as if he was surprising everything deep down in a chest locked away in the bottom of the sea.
Sam made a mental note to check in with Bucky when they weren’t, ya know, getting shot at.
That check up time came a lot later than Sam had initially wanted too, what with Zemo leading them new places and following up leads there wasn’t much time for a sit down therapy session.
So when the chance for one came at the ungodly hour of 2am, Sam gladly took it.
Bucky was sat by the window of the hotel they were currently staying in, he was peering out the gap in the curtains watching something or someone on the street bellow - Sam wasn’t sure what really.
Now usually Sam would be fast off by now and the events of running from country to country being shot at certainly helped tire you out, but something was burning under his skin keeping him wide awake.
“You good?” Sam broke the silence that caused Bucky to jump slightly; Sam smirked.
“Yeah. You?”
A man of few words Sam couldn’t help but shake his head.
“Fine.” Sam grumbled folding his arms. “We gonna talk about it?”
“What?” Bucky said his eyes not leaving the street.
“The bar.”
“What about it?” Bucky glanced over at him for a second before going back to this night time watching.
Sam resisted the urge to roll his eyes and instead fought to keep his patience, Bucky is fragile he reminded himself, he needs time.
“You went back there.” Sam said slowly, “I just wanna know if you’re good?”
Bucky mused on the question for a second watching the tourists walk up and down the cobbled street chatting happily without a care in the world; Bucky was jealous.
“I think I’m good.” He said slowly, “I know it was just me acting; I know that but Sam, what if it’s…” He took a deep breath. “Still in there?”
Sam frowned at him as he took in the man in the window; the years of hurt still resting on his shoulders and the blood staining his hands.
“You know that Shuri removed it.” Sam said slowly, “How many fights has it been without a trace of him?”
“But I did it.” Bucky said slowly, “it was all me but it felt so alien yet… familiar.”
Sam hummed at him for a second studying him again choosing his words very carefully.
“Listen, you are Bucky Barnes now.” Sam said slowly, “that was all you in there, you did what we had to do to get out of there, I know it hurts and I know it haunts you - but believe me when I say theres no point in dwelling on the past.”
Bucky didn’t say anything to this his gaze was resting on the dancing shadows bellow him as Sam spoke. It was soothing.
“What about that book?”
That caused Bucky’s head to snap around with a force that Sam worried might have broke his neck had he been a normal human.
“Its… It was Steves.” Bucky said his voice thick, “he gave it to me to show me what I needed to know in this new world… But I added my own notes to it.”
Sam nodded.
“It was nice to have a piece of Steve with me, ya know? Still have him with me. I know I know.” He said waving his flesh hand before Sam could say whatever Bucky thought he was going too.
“And your additions?”
“Their names.” Bucky said his voice dipping low and soft, Sam had to strain his ears to listen to him. “Every one of them to make amends with. Have I… Have I ever told you about Yori?”
Sam shuck his head slowly.
And that was how Bucky found himself telling the story of Yori, his nights with him at the Sushi bar and how human it made him feel; how he had killed his son and how badly he wanted to apologise but how can you apologise for taking the life of someone he cares about truly?
“There are names I can’t ever apologise too.” Bucky finished his fingers rubbing together in a rhythmic pattern. “I hope to find the courage to tell Yori what I did although the selfish part of me knows he will leave when he finds out.” He sighed, “and I enjoy his company, so I treat him to Sushi, I keep him close as a friend; maybe it’s selfish.”
“And the others?” Sam asked.
“I’ve made amends with some - I cross them off when I do, but I’m working through them slowly the ones I can anyway. Sometimes I wish I could have properly apologised to Tony although I doubt he would have forgiven me.”
“Perhaps.” Sam mused, “although I’d like to think he understood in the end, that grief was blinding him.”
“How did you get by?” Bucky asked suddenly.
“What do you mean?” Sam asked slowly his eyes tracing the fingers Bucky was gripping in his hand.
“The war - you, you went to the war right?” Bucky gulped, “how did you get by?”
“That’s a new one.” Sam said slowly studying Bucky who opened his mouth to apologise quickly but Sam waved his hand. “Spent a good few months having nightmares dreaming of what I’d done, what the families felt and what I had really done, that was a person ya know? But listen, Buck, therapy does truly work. I know it’s hard, heck, you’ve had it worse than anyone I have ever met, you’re 106 years old for god sake-“
Bucky laughed lightly and Sam had to pause, he’d never heard Bucky laugh.
“Sorry that was a rather loaded question.”
Sam gave a shrug and a smile, “it feels like it’s going to be a loaded time Bucky, you should get some sleep.”
Bucky pulled the gap in the Curtain closed and made his way to the bed, he could almost feel Sam’s eyes on him as he sunk into the ( way to ) comfy mattress and pillow - why was he sinking into it again?
Sam reached for the pull cord on the light to plunge the room into pitch blackness - Bucky felt his breath hitch in his chest.
I am James Bucky Barnes.
I am James Bucky Barnes.
I am James…
There was a click next to him that made Bucky almost jump from the sheets.
“Woah it’s just me.” Sam said the light clicking to life across the room and Sam watching him. “Want me to keep this on?”
Sam watched him, just from a minute in the quiet darkness, Bucky’s eyes were wide and terrified and he looked noticeably more paler than he had done.
“You good?”
“Yeah… Yeah.” Bucky said nodding slightly, “keep the light on.”
“Keeping the light on.” Sam said with a nod before lying back down.
For the first time in months Bucky awoke to the sound of Sam whispering on the phone and not his own scream caught in his throat while hot bile fought from his throat.
His eyes found Sam sitting on his bed on the phone quietly, their eyes met for a second.
“You good?” Sam mouthed, Bucky nodded lying his head back down.
He was getting there.