Work Text:
“You blinked.”
“Did not!”
“Yes, yes you did.”
Pansy sighed. “Yeah, whatever.”
Draco, who was leaning his head against his fist, marked another point under Blaise’s name.
“Now it’s 17 points for Blaise and 2 for Pansy," he mumbled, unenthusiastically.
“Blaise won. Again.” Deadpanned Theo. “What a surprise.”
Pansy rose to her knees with a somber expression. She extended her arm and tapped Blaise’s shoulders, miming a sword.
“I, Pansy, therefore name you King of the Last to Blink Game.”
“Thank you, my lady.” Bowed Blaise back. “As King, my first decree is prohibiting any more blink games for the next week because we have been doing this for a ridiculous amount of time already.”
Draco mock gasped. “Lies! We all know that you are afraid of having your throne stolen and that is the real reason for this decree!”
“Yes, you figured out my secret plan. Guess my only options now to keep you quiet are either killing you or hiring you as my new advisor.”
“And having to do tons of paperwork for you? No, thank you. I choose death.”
Blaise sighed. “Oh, well. Less chance of betrayal, I guess.”
Theo pulled the tally closer to him and scanned the results. “I don’t know why we insist on playing these with Blaise. He always wins the last to breath and the last to blink games. Didn’t you crown him Emperor of the Last to Breath Game last week?”
“Oh, yeah.” Pansy looked at Blaise and tutted. “Two titles? You are getting greedy, huh? Don’t let all that power get on your head.”
“Says the one who is titled Queen of Arm Wrestling, Champion of Pillow Fight and Hero of Sleeping for Fifteen Hours Straight.”
“Don’t forget the Award for Worst Handwriting,” added Theo with a smirk.
Pansy sputtered. “Hey!”
“How can you four be this bored already?” asked Daphne, watching the trainwreck she called friends with a morbid sort of fascination. “The weekend has barely started.”
“It’s a talent. And a curse.” answered Draco gravely.
“You want in?” Asked Pansy while folding the new score and putting it away. “Next thing on the list is Uno.”
Daphne blanched. Her life flashed in front of her eyes.
A group of Slytherins that were on the corner screeched and fled from the Common Room, running towards the opposite side of the castle and praying for mercy.
The snake on the painting shuddered and disappeared, seeking shelter with her dragon painting friend, hiding beneath it’s impenetrable scales.
“Please don’t,” asked Daphne with horror.
Theo, Blaise, Draco and Pansy blinked, seemingly startled by her reaction.
“Um… does that mean that you are joining in?” Asked Draco hesitantly. “Do you have a better game idea?”
“No. June asked if I wanted to hang out with her and check out her new pet snake.” Then, under her breath, she added a quiet “ thank Merlin .”
Theo narrowed his eyes a little, in thought. “Isn’t she that one Hufflepuff who jinxed Lockhart’s hair green?”
“Yeah, she’s nice.”
Draco blinked. “Wasn’t she also the one who almost set the Quidditch Pitch on fire?”
“Yeah, she’s also very terrifying.”
“Oh, cool.” said Blaise. “Have fun.”
“Thanks.” Daphne looked around the Common Room with pity. Letting these four alone in the place a quarter of the school slept, when they were planning on playing Uno, definitely wasn’t a good idea.
Decidedly not a good idea.
She really couldn’t stress enough just how catastrophic of an idea that was.
Daphne took a deep breath in. She had to take one for the team here. It was for everyone’s sake, really.
“Umm, why don’t you guys read something? I think I heard the seventh-years talking about a new book.”
She might be taking one for the greater good, but that was the maximum extent her self preservation instincts allowed her to remain in the Common Room before she called out a quick goodbye and fled.
Blaise, Draco, Pansy and Theo playing Uno were a menace to everyone and everything around them.
The Hogwarts’ front grounds and the family Manors could attest to that.
The four Slytherins watched Daphne leave the Common Room before simultaneously sighing.
Pansy eyed the bookshelf on the other side of the room. “I mean, I guess we could try that first.”
Draco nodded reluctantly. “Yeah, worst case scenario we ditch it in five minutes and grab the Uno deck.”
Theo hummed.
“We don’t really have a good record with cool books though.”
Everyone started into space for a moment, remembering how the whole event with the ink-drinking book had gone.
“Yeah, well.” Said Blaise getting up and going to find which was the new book. “ These had to be authorized by Snape to remain in the Common Room, so… a galleon says that it’s about potions.”
“I’ll accept it, but I think it’s just a random academic one,” agreed Theo.
“Well, count me in.” Said Pansy. “I bet that is something subtly dissing Lockhart. Like a manual on how to actually deal with Ghouls.”
Draco pouted a little now that all the good bets had been called. “I bet that is something sarcastic because Snape has been feeling petty recently.”
Everyone shared a nod and said “ deal ” at the same time.
Blaise went to the shelf and pulled out the new book, without looking at the title. Then, he went back to where everyone was sitting and dropped the book in the middle of their circle.
The title read:
Hogwarts: A (SUPERIOR) History
From the Great Prank War of 78 to mysterious students' deaths, this book will teach you every truly important Hogwarts fact any witch or wizard should know.
Draco cackled. “Aha! Pay up!”
The other three gumbled a little while passing him the money.
“So not fair, not even you thought your own bet was right,” pouted Pansy.
He really hadn’t. Still, Draco answered her. “Destiny is funny like that.”
“So,” said Blaise. “Are we really reading it?”
Theo poked at it. “I mean, it does seem like it would be a fun book, but I honestly have no patience for sitting still and reading right now.”
“We were literally sitting still for a whole hour while playing last to blink,” pointed out Draco. “That was less than five minutes ago.”
“Well, yeah,” said Theo in a tone of voice that heavily implied a duh somewhere. “But we weren’t reading then, were we?”
“Just open on a random page or something,” suggested Pansy. “Maybe it will give us a cool idea.”
Draco reached and opened the book somewhere in the first half. They all leaned in to read what was written on the page.
Interesting fact #109: During the school year of 1942-1943 many students died in Hogwarts, including Myrtle Elizabeth Warren, who became famous as the ghost known as Moaning Myrtle.
Interesting fact #110: A student was once expelled from Hogwarts by having a giant spider as a pet, which led to the famous restrictions of pets allowances being either a toad, a cat or an owl.
Pansy grimaced. “A giant spider? Disgusting. If it came near me I would hex it into next week.”
“Agreed,” said Draco. “Can you imagine it?”
“Guys. Guys, wait a moment.” said Theo. “How big is big? Like, as big as a backpack, as a human, or like, Whomping Willow big?”
Blaise nodded in thought. “Do you think that if it was human sized someone would sew it eight legged pants?”
Pansy looked pensive. “Oh well, I would just set it on fire, but now that you suggested it, I would so love to see that.”
“But how would that even work…” wondered Draco. “Would a spider and an octopus be able to wear the same clothing?”
Theo opened and closed his mouth. Pansy stared at nothing with wide eyes. Blaise looked vaguely disturbed but also slightly intrigued.
“I…” said Theo. “I don’t even know how we managed to get into this conversation anymore, how would you-- how did you even think about that?”
“Mate…” said Pansy, still staring at nothing. “This question will keep me up at night.”
“If you really want something to keep you up at night, I can offer you another nugget that constantly keeps me awake.”
The other three stared at him with wide eyes.
“I’m honestly terrified of asking,” said Baise.
“I really want to ask,” said Theo, “but I definitely don’t want to know.”
Pansy turned to Draco looking like she was staring at the bearer of her death. She took a deep breath. “Hit me with it.”
She looked like she regretted it as soon as the words left her mouth. Draco eyed her with uncertainty. “Are you sure?”
She nodded weakly, with small movements. “Yeah. Hit me with your worst.”
Draco breathed in, and nodded once, decisively.
“Centaurs have six appendages. Therefore, they are insects.”
Pansy kept staring at him.
Her jaw went slack. All life left her eyes.
“Why,” she said slowly, tone devoid of emotion, “why would you say something so awful.”
“You asked for it, Pansy,” pointed out Blaise.
Theo patted her shoulder in condolences for her sanity.
“I hate you all,” said Pansy in a daze, looking like she had just been betrayed by Magic itself. “I hate magizoology. I hate every decision that brought us to this moment.”
“Yeah,” said Draco cheerfully, almost bouncing on his chair like he hadn’t just murdered Pansy’s brain in cold blood, “now that you can suffer about it with me, we should see if we can find more interesting stuff within the book.”
Theo grabbed the book and pulled it towards him. “Huh.”
“What?” asked Blaise.
“Read this, interesting fact 111.” said Theo pointing out the passage. The other three Slytherins leaned in to read what was written.
Interesting fact #111:
Completely unrelated to students' deaths and giant pet spiders, Hogwarts has been boring a mystery for generations.
They all perked up.
“Merlin’s beard,” said Blaise, grabbing Draco’s arm to keep himself upright.
“Smooth Mongoose!" exclaimed Pansy with wonder.
“This,” said Draco, staring at the book like it was an invaluable treasure. “This is it, guys. We have finally found it.”
“A boredom cure,” said the four of them at the same time.
Theo put the book down on the table so all of them could read it at the same time.
As far as our records go, we have registered the constant disappearance of pets within school grounds. Upon such an unfortunate fact, our amazing editorial team looked even further into it.
Confidential talks with previous gamekeepers revealed that mammals, birds, and even some reptiles tend to disappear, especially around and inside the castle.
Funnily enough, roosters seem to be the only birds to remain unscathed by these mysterious circumstances.
Upon further questioning, we were told by the staff that the animals probably got lost inside the Forbidden Forest, even with the gamekeepers telling our team about the improbability of it.
Be it a student prank or magical mishap, this is only another of Hogwarts many mysteries that, for now, remains unsolved.
The four Slytherins stared at the pagelike it had just hung the moon.
“Guys,” said Pansy jumping up and putting both hands on her hips, “I know what we're gonna do today.”
Theo nodded, “ah, yes, building a Find Missing Animals-Inator.”
“And try to avoid Perry, the platypus,” agreed Draco.
“You two are dumbasses,” said Pansy, trying to not burst out laughing. “We will solve this mystery and avoid getting busted, because we are just that awesome.”
“In the spirit of the summer vacation,” said Blaise, “we should make this as scientific as possible to make the Fireside Girls proud.”
“Oh sure, let’s scientific investigate mysterious animal disappearances in a magical school,” added Theo. “Yeah, this will definitely work out exactly as planned, no chance of it going haywire.”
“Yes, glad we all agree,” stated Pansy sarcastically. “We need the Scientific Investigation Patch anyway.”
Blaise grinned, “let’s Sherlock Holmes the heck out of this mystery.”
7 Steps of the Scientific Method:
Step 1 - Question.
Pansy pulled out a clean piece of parchment and wrote a phrase on it, before reading it out loud.
“Question: What the frick frack snick snack is up with all these random animals disappearing?”
Step 2 - Research.
This time, Blaise was the one to pull the parchment towards him and wrote out while speaking out loud.
“The research material - Hogwarts: A (SUPERIOR) History - points out that this has been happening: A) For generations, B) With random animals, C) Mostly inside the castle, D) Never with roosters.”
Draco squinted at the paper. “Do you think reading only 6 paragraphes of a single book counts as enough research?”
“Oh definitely,” said Blaise.
“People have done more with less,” agreed Theo.
“I don’t think you bullshitting your way through a writing assignment after only reading 3 paragraphes of the whole chapter should really count as an example, but okay.” said Pansy.
“You say that like I didn’t get a full grade for that masterpiece.”
Step 3 - Hypothesis.
“So,” said Blaise, “any ideas?”
Pansy hummed. “I guess they could have just gone and gotten lost on the Forbidden Forest.”
Theo pulled the parchment towards him and wrote out: Idea 1) Forbidden Forest .
“Okay, but let’s not forget that the gamekeepers said that was pretty improbable,” added Draco.
“Ah, yes, the most reliable source, an unnamed past gamekeeper who wouldn’t want to be accused of letting poor pets get lost in a creepy Forest,” said Theo.
Still, he scratched it out and wrote an improbable in front of it.
“Anything else?” asked Pansy.
“A dragon?” suggested Draco.
“Someone would have seen a bloody dragon flying around by now,” pointed out Pansy.
“A small dragon then. Besides: magic .”
Pansy considered it for a second before nodding, “point.”
Theo dutifully wrote out: Idea 2) A small dragon. “What about you, Blaise? Any guesses?”
“A badger.”
The other three stared at him.
“Really?” asked Theo exasperatedly.
Blaise nodded. “They are vicious.”
“Do we even know if they eat all these other animals?” wondered Pansy.
“I’m pretty sure they do. In any case, there’s always the possibility of it being a magical badger. ”
Theo sighed. “We can’t keep writing random animals down and using magic as an excuse. At this rate, our next suspect will be the Whomping Willow.”
The other three stared at him for a second. Pansy started to open her mouth.
“Don’t you even dare.”
Pansy closed her mouth.
“So what, then? What else could be the cupright?” asked Blaise.
“Hey,” said Draco, staring at the other side of the room where a book about magical legends and world myths, called Magical Legends and World Myths was laying. “Wasn’t Greg saying something the other day about a giant alligator that lived in the sewers and ate anything from people to other, smaller alligators.”
Blaise blinked. “I thought that was in America?”
Draco shrugged. “If I was an alligator and had to choose between an ancient castle that houses a magical school, surrounded by a nice lake and a free to eat forest or America, I know which I would choose.”
“And,” added Theo from where he had summoned a book about reptiles that a seventh year had given as a mock gift to Snape last year because snakes and keeping up the aesthetic , “it says here that alligators can eat snakes, turtles, small mammals, and birds.”
Pansy went back and reread the animals listed as the ones who went missing. “According to the book: mammals, birds, and even some reptiles. Perfect match.”
“So that’s probably it, then.” said Theo, writing on their paper: Most likely hypothesis: Alligator.
Step 4 - Experiment.
“Now what?” asked Draco.
“Well,” drawled Blaise, “Greg said they live in the sewers right?”
“Yeah, the Sewer Alligators happen to live in the sewers, or so I heard,” said Pansy sarcastically.
“Such creativity,” said Draco, shedding an imaginary tear. “Very poetic.”
“I like how the ‘sewers’ is a metaphor to represent the sewers. Amazing symbolism.” added Theo slow clapping.
Blaise snorted. “The drawn parallels are, indeed, amazing. Now that we have been enlightened by such carefully constructed imaginary, time to go sewer diving and see if we can find our cupright.”
Theo sighed. “I was hoping you wouldn’t say that.”
“Where do you think we can find an entrance to a sewer around here?” wondered Draco.
“I may have an idea,” said Pansy.
Step 5 - Observations.
“A female bathroom, Pansy? Really?” asked Draco.
“An abandoned female bathroom, yes. And it's perfect! Where would you find a place with better access to the pipes than a bathroom?”
“I mean,” said Theo, “she isn’t wrong.”
“Why abandoned though?” wondered Blaise.
“Oh, yeah. There’s a ghost living there, no biggie. Is the Moaning Myrtle, remember? She was also in the book.”
“Ah, the students’ deaths. I wonder what that was all about.” said Draco, trailing off.
“What is important right now is that I know, for a fact, that at this time of the weekend she is out wailing after Peeves to annoy him. Something about getting revenge on him about her time as a student now that she is also a ghost. It drives him up the wall, absolutely incredible.”
“I love how she just decided to haunt a ghost. Amazing.”
“Quite. Anyway, that is good for us, because now we can blow up the bathroom without anyone hovering.”
“Ah, blowing stuff up,” said Blaise with a hand over his hearth. “My favorite pastime.”
“Delightful,” agreed Theo. “I love that we are all friends with the same taste.”
“Yes,” said Pansy. “You are all lucky to know me. Let’s get started.”
The four Slytherins enter the empty girls' bathroom. There was a cracked mirror, a row of chipped sinks and a damp, molded floor. The wooden stall doors were rotted and the only light sources were the stubs of a few candles.
“Cosy,” commented Theo.
“I’m just surprised our bathroom in the Common Room doesn't look like this, you know, to keep up the cave theme we have going on there,” imputed Blaise.
Draco spinned in place, giving the facility an once-over. “So, where do we start?”
Pansy hummed, tapping the tip of her wand against her chin. “The best places to look for piping sewers are either near the toilets or on the sinks.”
The four of them stared at the stinky, damp and dark stalls.
They squinted, almost sure that they had just seen a blob of hair and slime twitch.
The wood cracked ominously. The toilet rattled slightly.
“Yeah, nope.”
The four turned around towards the sinks.
“So, now what? We just… blow it up?” asked Theo.
“Yeah, duh . How else are we supposed to find the pipes? By asking it to please open up?”
Suddenly, a tap started to shine a bright, white light and started spinning like crazy. On the next second, the whole sink sank to the ground, leaving the pipe behind it exposed.
A huge pipe.
An unnecessarily huge pipe. Like, a wide enough one for a person to slide in.
“You’ve gotta be shitting me,” cursed Pansy.
“Merlin’s beard,” said Theo dumbfounded.
“Asking? Are you serious?” kept going Pansy. “I was just being sarcastic! It shouldn’t even have counted!”
“Why the light, tough,” said Draco with despair. “Why does everything need a lightshow in this place? Couldn’t it just have moved out of the way? Why add the unnecessary flair?”
“I tought you, out of everyone, would appreciate the dramatic flair,” said Blaise.
“The flair should be used as a tool,” declared Draco passionately. “It helps raise the tension. It causes an impact. It leaves a mark, a signature. This” he gestures to the whole with a disgusted face, “was just pathetic. It lasted less than a second. There wasn’t even any time for we to wonder if we had fucked up before, just bang, here is the pipe you little kids wanted, you are all so adorable, also have a cookie.”
Blaise looked back at the hole on the wall. “Yeah, this was pretty sad.”
On the back, Pansy continued her tirade. “How is this for real? I come here, in an abandoned bathroom, on the only time of the only day of the week where it’s completely empty, ready to do some property damage and it just opens? I wanted to blow up a wall! This is so unfair!”
Theo squinted at the opening. “Why, though? Why would we need a pipe that large? Is this a normal thing? Does this happen in all bathrooms or only on the girls' one?”
“I--” started Pansy, before going quiet. She stared blankly at nothing for a second before turning to Theo with a dumbfounded expression. “I… have no idea? Why would someone need a piping that large?”
“This school is a nightmare,” said Draco. “No wonder we have a sewer alligator infestation here if they build the sewer with pipes huge enough for the alligator to walk around.”
“Well,” said Blaise, deep in thought, “the disappearances have been happening throughout the whole castle, right? Someone would have noticed an alligator coming out from this bathroom and climbing the stairs to the second floor.”
Theo started nodding along his train of thought. “So the other bathrooms probably also have the same opening.”
“We should go test it, you know, for research purposes,” said Pansy, who was actually hoping that the next bathroom wouldn’t open up so she could blow that one up.
The Slytherins went to another nearby bathroom, a boys' one, that no one used just because they had built a better one on the opposite side of the corridor.
Literally. One door was right in front of the other.
They wondered who was the idiot architect that designed this castle.
The Slytherins entered. The bathroom was dusty, but way better than Myrtle’s. Blaise said to open up. One of the sinks did, revealing an enormous piping again.
Pansy pouted. “Maybe we should go to another one? Just to be sure?”
“Nah,” said Theo. “Two are definitely a big enough number for testing, no need to research for more, our success rate is 100% on the bathrooms sewer department.”
“Pretty sure that is not how this type of math works, but okay,” imputed Draco.
“Besides,” added Theo, ignoring Draco, “we are not here for the weird pipes , we are here for the alligators .”
The four of them grouped near the opening and stared at the entrance.
“What is our plan of attack here?” asked Pansy. “What if we jump in, but the pipe slims down and we get stuck?”
“Yeah,” said Theo, “that wouldn’t be very nice.”
“Also,” added Blaise,” if we slide too fast, we might fall right on top of the alligator or miss it entirely.”
The Slytherins contemplated their problem for a few moments.
“Ooo!” beamed Draco, “I have an idea!”
After five minutes, during which Draco casted a spell that made their hands and knees temporarily sticky, like a ventose, they started crawling inside the pipe with the spell stopping them from sliding without control.
“Neat,” commented Theo, pulling one hand forward and having it immediately stuck to the floor again, but being able to pull it up when he ondulated his palm just so.
“How did you find this spell?” asked Blaise.
“Snape confiscated this picture book from a student that was reading it during class, and there was this image of a red and blue guy walking on the ceiling like a spider or something. I wanted to know how he could have been doing that, so I found this spell.”
“Cool,” said Pansy. “Very random, but cool.”
“Yeah. The pictures didn’t even move, it was so weird. I wonder how the muggles knew about this spell.”
The Slytherins kept crawling. And crawling. And crawling. And crawling some more.
Oh wait, what was that up ahead?
Ah, just a shadow. Nevermind.
So they continued crawling for some extra while.
When their hands and knees started to hurt, the pipe leveled out. Draco undid the spell and they stood up, using an incantation to clean their hands and clothes.
Blaise casted a lumos and they all looked around the place they now where. A dark stone tunnel, with a damp floor.
“Do you guys remember when we joked that the bathroom would fit right in with the Slytherin Common Room aesthetic?” asked Blaise. “I’m starting to think that this was actually made by Slazar Slytherin.”
“Yeah,” agreed Theo. “The damp, dark, uncomfortable stone corridor does have his vibes.”
“It’s only missing some useless green lights that offer no illumination,” said Draco.
“And a few snakes,” added Pansy.
The Slytherins contemplated that hypothesis for a moment.
Their house founder was so extra.
“Anyway,” said Blaise, “let’s hunt our alligator.”
Soon after they started walking, the students started to notice little lumps on the ground. Theo, Pansy and Draco joined in on the lumos spell, making a larger circle of light. When they looked again at the lumps, they realized they were small animal bones.
They cheered and exchanged excited looks.
The animals really hadn’t got lost on the Forbidden Forest. Another point in favor of their Sewer Alligator theory.
They kept going forward through the twists and turns.
And then, at last, after yet another bend, they saw a solid wall ahead. On the otherwise smooth stone there were two entwined serpents carved with emeralds for eyes.
Draco groaned. “I can’t believe we were right. Why was Salazar Slytherin like this?”
“Snakes,” tsked Blaise, “of course he carved snakes.”
“That guy wouldn’t know the meaning of subtlety if slammed him in the face,” agreed Pansy.
Theo squinted at the wall. “Did their eyes just move?”
Everyone stared at the carving for another second.
“Nah,” they all said.
Suddenly, Pansy's eyes gained a slightly maniac light. "So now we can finally blow up a wall!"
The Slytherins all perked up, looking at the wall like it was their next science experiment.
They were blowing it up. They were going for it.
The big boom. The fun time. The moment to party.
They raised their wands and--
The carved snakes shivered in fear and the wall parted before the Slytherins could cast any spell on it.
The kids looked at the door opening in despair.
Pansy started swearing. With feeling .
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"My explosion. My poor explosion," whined Theo.
"How is this life? Really, how is this our life? I bet this kind of stuff doesn't happen when other people want to blow stuff up," said Blaise with a glare at the passage.
Draco kicked a skull through the opening. "This is all so unfair. Is wanting to blow up a wall too much to ask? Is it? "
"That alligator better be careful," spat Pansy, walking past the doorway, "scientific discovery of the century or not, if it tries anything funny I might just blow it up."
"Please don't blow the alligator up," said Theo following right behind her.
Soon, the four of them were standing at the end of a very long, dimly lit chamber.
They looked around.
Stone pillars with more carved serpents, check.
Ceiling lost in darkness, casting long, ominous shadows, check.
Greenish gloom, check.
"Curse you, Salazar Slytherin," said Draco. "Curse you and your stupid sense of aesthetic."
"This is ridiculous," said Blaise. "That guy is ridiculous. What the heck was wrong with him?"
"Is this some weird childhood trauma of his? Did his pet snake run away and that is why his obsession started? It's got to be right?" Asked Theo almost desperately.
"I bet the other houses don't have to put up with this bullshit," said Pansy, looking at the decor with incredulity. "I bet they don't have to deal with giant badger sculptures, or raven carvings or lion paintings."
Draco raised his hand. "Petition to disown Salazar as a member of the Slytherin House, let's just rename the house to, I don’t know, Greentherin and be done with his bullshit. All in favor say aye."
"Aye," said the other three without hesitation.
They walked forward some more, keeping an eye out for where the alligator could possibly be.
As they neared the last pair of pillars, a statue standing against the back wall could be seen.
They looked up and…
And up.
And up.
And up some more.
"There's the bitch," said Pansy.
"The reason for our Common Room to look like a cave," said Draco. "The disowned guy himself."
"Why," said Theo, "is everything involved on this so unnecessarily big? The gigantic pipes. The gigantic tunnel. The gigantic statue. Why, just. Why."
"The guy gotta be trying to compensate for something," hypothesised Blaise. "Maybe for his lack of common sense."
"Hey," said Draco absentmindedly, "since we all agreed that Salazar isn't part of our house anymore, it should be okay for us to blow his statue up, right?"
Pansy squinted at the statue. "Draco," she turned to him and put one hand on his shoulder. "You are a fucking genius. "
The Slytherins Greentherins cackled.
Sweet, sweet revenge.
Under the combined forces of four frustrated Slytherins and their destructive spells, the statue never stood a chance.
Five minutes later, there was only a pile of dust on its place.
The pile of dust was even leaning away from them, like it was trying to run away.
Too bad, it should have considered that before annoying these students. Now it was too late.
Pansy kicked a small pile of dust and beamed at her friends. "I feel so much better!"
"This was ridiculously fun!" Said Theo jumping from pile to pile like they were rain puddles.
"Very cathartic," agreed Blaise, spelling their clothes clean.
"The only thing that can make this even better now is finding our alligator," commented Draco, starting to look behind the pillars to find where it could be hiding.
Soon, the four of them were searching every cranny in the chamber, looking for their target.
"Alligator! Here Sewer Alligator, pss pss pss ," called Theo.
Blaise looked at him warily. "You are aware that it's an alligator, not a cat, right?"
"Do you have a better idea?" Asked Theo.
Blaise considered that for a moment before sighing and joining Theo.
"Do you think it might be somewhere else? I think we have already looked everywhere in this chamber--"
The ground started to shake, cutting off Pansy. They all shared confused looks.
A scraping sound started to come from where the statue used to be. They got closer, and stared at the hole on the wall.
The pipe opening had been behind Salazar's head, but the four of them had ignored it, thinking the only purpose of the pipe was to make it look like the statue was drooling or throwing up.
Now, from the darkness, they started to see a shadow moving closer.
They gasped in wonder.
"The Sewer Alligator," said Theo, slack jawed.
"It's real!" Exclaimed Pansy with excitement.
The four of them stared at the hole with cheer. This was it. This was what they had been looking for.
Their theory was correct. They had discovered the answer to a centuries old mystery. The discovery of a lifetime.
The amazing, the incredible, the marvelous SEWER ALLIGAT--
From the hole, slithered out a snake, tail first.
A snake. Snake.
What.
“What.” said Blaise without any intonation whatsoever.
“No,” whispered Draco, staring at the gigantic snake like he had just been backstabbed by a puppy.
Theo looked like he had just fast tracked through seven stages of grief and began the circle all over. “But… the alligator.”
Step 6 - Results/Conclusion.
The four of them kept staring as the snake kept slytherin out of the hole and it’s body just kept coming out and out and out.
Just how big were snakes supposed to be again?
“Gigantic pipes, tunnel, statue and snake,” commented Pansy. “Maybe Theo’s theory has some merit to it. He has to be trying to compensate for something.”
“Probably his personality. Or his taste in decor,” guessed Draco.
“Guys, forget about compensation,” said Theo. “What I really want to know is since when could snakes move backwards?”
The Slytherins stared at the snake that still kept coming, holy moly, just how big was it?
“Magic snake?” offered Blaise. Theo sent him an annoyed look while Pansy snickered.
“Umm,” said Draco. “Actually, Blaise is probably right. I’m pretty sure that is a basilisk.”
Pansy looked at the snake incredulously. “No way.”
“How sure is ‘pretty sure’?” asked Blaise.
“Can go backwards, but it’s super slow so it doesn't do it frequently. Eats all manners of animals. For some reason decided that roosters , of all things, were their mortal enemy. It’s freaking huge .”
“So, pretty sure then, got it.”
“How do you even know all that,” said Pansy, who looked like she was considering poking the basilisk (which was still half stuck on the pipe. Draco was right, going backwards they were just so slow .)
“Father likes peacocks. Mother adores snakes. You learn one thing or two. Also, don’t poke it, they kill people with direct eye contact.”
Pansy lowered her arm with a pout.
“I know basilisks are, like, an impressive thing,” said Theo. “But I’m still so disappointed that it isn’t a big alligator living in the school's sewer that it just feels underwhelming.”
Looking at the basilisk who was slowly sliding out of the wall like a sad, half deflated balloon, the other three couldn’t help but agree.
Theo tilted his head and squinted. It had an uncanny resemblance to a green lump of play-doh being slowly squeezed through a tube.
“Well,” offered Blaise, “at least we solved the mystery.”
“There’s that, I guess.”
“Should we… do something about it? It’s probably not a good idea to let a lethal basilisk roaming around on the pipes,” said Pansy.
“I can cast a spell to give it shades?” offered Draco.
Theo turned to stare at him. “Shades like--”
“Like sunglasses, yeah. The lenses should be dark enough to stop it from petrifying and killing anyone.”
The other three stared at Draco like he had just given them the best gift in the world.
“Sunglasses…” said Pansy.
“On a snake…” said Blaise.
Theo grabbed Draco’s shoulders. “Do it. Do it now. I’m begging you,” implored him.
They stepped back to give the basilisk more room before Draco casted the spell to give it glasses and use a permanent sticking charm to keep it in place.
With a pop, the basilisk finally finished coming out of the pipe, and turned the just unstuck head towards the students.
Sure enough, balanced or her snout, was a pair of sunglasses.
The four Slytherins started to laugh hysterically.
The basilisk flickered their tongue at them, like it was half offended, but mostly just confused by this turn of events.
They laughed harder.
Theo and Pansy had fallen to the ground. Draco was completely breathless. Blaise was set off again every time he looked up.
“Ah,” said Pansy, brushing away a couple tears that had fallen. The girl was still snickering every few seconds. “I needed that. This is hilarious.”
Theo sat up on the floor. “This is fantastic. Draco, I have no idea why you know so many random spells, but please keep going.”
They looked at the basilisk, who turned away from them like it just decided to pretend they weren’t there.
“Shouldn’t it be attacking us or something?” asked Blaise.
“Nah,” said Draco. “Basilisk’s eyes are all weird and sensitive. The shades will keep it calm and docile.”
“Really?” wondered Theo, looking curiously at the basilisk.
Draco shrugged.
“Magic snakes, mate. I don’t make many questions, it’s easier that way.”
Step 7 - Communicate. Present/share your results. Replicate.
“I can’t believe we wrote a report about the basilisk,” said Blaise.
Pansy shrugged. “Hey, can you just imagine Snape and McGonagall's faces when we tell them about the basilisk and how it has been eating students’ pets since forever? It will be absolutely hilarious . Especially when we talk about how it had been chilling on the sewers.”
“Besides,” added Theo, “we were already committed to the whole scientific investigation thingie, I wanted to see it through.”
“Hey guys, what’s that?” asked Draco, pointing at a notice on the board.
The Slytherins walked up to it and read the news about a dueling club.
“Huh,” said Blaise, “I wonder who is in charge of it.”
“Professor Flitwick, maybe?” tried Theo.
“I don’t think so,” said Draco. “He is always pretty busy this time of the year. Also, he is an amazing duelist, but he also knows that dueling classes should be small to avoid accidents. This ‘ open for all ’ thing here is a safety hazard waiting to happen.”
“Well,” said Pansy with a smirk. “Guess we all know which Professor would be stupid enough to set it up then, huh?”
“Lockhart,” the four of them said at the same time.
“Look, I was waiting for the twins to do something,” said Pansy, “but they are taking too long and this guy is just asking for a prank. Maybe we should do something ourselves.”
Theo looked at the parchment notice consideringly. “You’ve got a point. Any ideas?”
The Slytherins thought about it for a few seconds.
“Hey, remember when June, Daphne’s friend carried her snake to Lockhart’s class and the guy looked like she had just offended his hair and said his smile was ugly?” Asked Blaise.
“Oh, yeah. He looked so offended at the snake, it was weird. I think it was because everyone kept looking more at the snake than at him,” said Theo.
“Maybe we could show up with a snake at the club, then.”
Pansy mock tutted, pretending to pat them like they were adorable babies who hadn't mastered the idea of pranking yet, but were still trying their best. “Think bigger, grasshoppers. The best way to make the biggest impact is not to show up with the snake. It’s to make it appear from thin-air halfway through the class.”
Blaise nodded. “That is definitely an attention grabber.”
Theo turned towards Draco. “You are the one who knows the random spells. Any suggestion on how to make it happen?”
Draco pondered about it. “There’s Serpensortia. It can make a snake appear, but I need to know how the snake looks beforehand, and also where it is, to summon it.”
Pansy smirked. “To prank Lockhart, I’m sure Daphne’s friend would be in. That way you can summon her snake. We just have to arrange it for you to see it first and have her tell you where it will be at the time of the club.”
Suddenly Theo gasped.
The boy grabbed Draco’s shoulders and looked at him dead in the eye. “Any snake?”
Draco blinked, startled. “Um, yeah. As long as I know what it looks like and where it is.”
“ But of any size? ”
Pansy also gasped. “Theo, you are brilliant!”
Blaise also catched on and started laughing. Draco couldn’t stop the slightly devious smile that appeared on his face.
“Are you guys sure?” he asked, just to be sure.
Blaise, Pansy and Theo nodded excitedly.
“Yes,” said Blaise.
“Besides,” smirked Theo, “the last step of the scientific investigation is to share your results.”