Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

On January 12th at 3:26 am, Abed Nadir is jolted awake by a very loud and annoyingly cheery ringtone and an elbow jabbing into his ribs. 

"Ow," Abed mutters sleepily.

"Sorry!" Troy whispers, reaching over to grab his phone. 

This in itself is a little weird. Actually, Troy’s phone ringing at all is strange. But even more strange is Troy’s reaction. Not the apology, that’s fine, but normally Troy would have said something like “Who uses phones as phones anymore?” or at least sleepily dismiss the call, but not today. 

Troy grabs the phone off the nightstand, checks the number, and then, much to Abed’s chagrin, sits up abruptly, flicking on the light. Abed groans, grabbing Troy’s pillow and holding it over his eyes. 

“Sorry, I gotta take this, buddy.” Troy presses a kiss to one of Abed’s hands, and gets up, answering the call.

“Hey, yeah, speaking.” Troy leaves the room, shutting the bedroom door as quietly as he can behind him. 

Abed drops the pillow, frowning at the door. This is very weird. Troy hates phone calls. He never answers them. Certainly not at three in the morning. Abed sits up on the bed, crossing his legs. He picks up the Rubik’s Cube he keeps on his nightstand and starts fiddling with it, his mind filling up with every worst-case scenario it can come up with. 

The minutes tick by, and still, Troy’s gone. Abed can feel himself starting to panic, so he decides to try and logic his way out of as many of the scenarios as possible. 

1. Something’s wrong with Troy’s family. Unlikely. Even if there was, they probably wouldn’t call him. Abed doesn’t like Troy’s family, but it’s fine. They don’t like him either.
2. Greendale’s shutting down. Abed’s not really sure why that’s on the list, but he can’t help but feel like that would be devastating. Still, it’s almost certainly not that. Greendale is unkillable. It’s just too awful to die.
3. Jeff’s dead. He seems the most likely out of the study group, except maybe Elroy, but he’s not really that old, and anyway, he hasn’t been around much since season 6, so while it would certainly be sad, Jeff would be much more upsetting, hence worst-case. Jeff still drinks a lot, even though he is doing better. It’s certainly not impossible. However, it’s been too long, if that was it, Troy would have told him by now.
4. It’s a zombie outbreak. Troy doesn’t seem to be in a rush, so it’s probably not that. And even if it was, they’re prepared for this. 
5. No. He’s not even going to dignify this one by putting it on the list. Because it definitely isn’t that. They would have called him. Not Troy. It’s not that. It can’t be. It isn’t. And he should really stop thinking about it because it’s definitely not that.

Just as Abed feels himself starting to spiral past the point of no return, the door swings open and Troy walks back in. His face is completely unreadable to him, but Troy seems to see something on Abed’s because he immediately shuts the door and walks over to the bed. He sits down across from Abed, a piece of paper in his hands. 

Abed is suddenly finding it incredibly hard to speak. He really wants to ask about it, but he just can’t. Everything’s too overwhelming.

Troy looks up at him, his brow creasing. “Ok, I have something to tell you.” Abed frowns, tilting his head, but Troy just continues. “When we were in Greendale for the holidays, your dad asked me to do something, and I wanted to ask you about it first, but he begged me not to. I’ve felt weird about it, but I guess I figured I’d have a little more time.”

Abed isn’t liking where this is going at all, but he just focuses on his hands on the cube and keeping his breathing as even as possible. 

“He asked me to find your mom.” 

Abed’s eyes snap up to meet Troy’s, and there are so many things he wants to say, but instead, he just stares at Troy, his stomach churning and heart racing. 

“I’m sorry, but your dad thinks that it’s important for you to at least know where she is. I think he’s just scared…”

Troy trails off as Abed draws his knees up to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut. 

Troy sighs, “Ok, we can talk about it later. I’m really sorry,” He stands, “Can I do anything?” Abed manages to shake his head, and Troy nods. 

“I’ll be in the other room,” Troy switches off the light, smoothes Abed’s hair down, and leans down, pressing a light kiss to the top of his head. “I love you.” He whispers before walking out of the bedroom. 

Abed rolls onto his side, pulls the duvet all the way over his head, and waits for his brain to stop screaming. 

~~~

At some point, he must have fallen asleep, because when Abed wakes up, the clock reads 8:32. He sits up and rubs his temples. He feels better, but his head is throbbing a little. He walks out into the main room of the apartment. Aliyah, Abed’s writing partner and roommate of three years, is standing at the kitchen island, eating a bowl of cereal and shuffling her feet in a little dance as she watches something on mute on her laptop. She’s wearing her dark green hijab. It’s his favorite.

As he closes the bedroom door, she looks up and waves, pausing her video. “Are you ok?” she signs.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Care to explain why your boyfriend is asleep on my couch?” Aliyah asks, worry etched onto her face. 

Abed follows her eyes. Sure enough, Troy is fast asleep, curled up under the tiny blanket they keep on the couch mostly for decorative purposes. Abed really wants to be angry, but he can’t help but think about how adorable Troy looks when he’s asleep.

Abed sighs, “First of all, it’s our couch, and I got overwhelmed last night. He was just giving me space.” 

“Ok, well he’s preventing me from watching Ducktales with sound, which means I can’t do anything else but watch and I’m forced to do this.” She shuffles her feet again, demonstrating her dance. 

“You could watch it in your room.” Abed offers. 

“Yeah, but then I’ll forget about this, and it’ll get all moldy, so you see the bind I’m in.”

“I do, I’m sorry.”

Aliyah giggles. Abed’s ASL has improved a lot since meeting Aliyah, but he still struggles with keeping his face expressive. It’s such an important part of the language, and he is improving, but he’s guessing that apology didn’t come through as genuinely as he wanted it to. 

Abed looks back over at Troy. He's glad he's still asleep. He really doesn't know what he's going to do when he wakes up. Troy's going to apologize a lot, try and get him to talk about it, but this isn't really his fault. Or his problem. What Abed should really do is call his dad. But he really really doesn't want to do that. 

Aliyah waves a hand in front of Abed's face. He hadn't even noticed her walk over. "Have you prayed yet?" 

"No." 

"Maybe you should."

She's right, of course. He could really use some inner peace and guidance right now, and the structure of Salah always grounds him. 

Abed nods, “I’ll be right back.” 

Abed takes a few minutes to do Fajr. He does feel a little better. At the very least, now that his schedule has been restored a little he feels less weird about his interrupted sleep. 

He walks back out of his room. Troy is still asleep, but Aliyah is sitting at their small circular dining table, typing rapidly on her keyboard. There’s a bowl of Lucky Charms and a glass of milk in the spot next to her. She doesn’t immediately look up when he walks in, too focused on her writing, but when he sits down she breaks. 

“Sorry, I was just finishing up some dialogue. I got you some cereal.” She signs, smiling.

“Thank you.” Abed pours the milk into the cereal and takes a bite. Aliyah shuts her laptop and studies Abed carefully.

“So what happened? Do you want to talk about it?” Aliyah asks, her expressions shifting back to concern. 

Abed pauses, considering. He doesn’t really want to get into it, but Aliyah is always good at helping him talk through his thoughts, and he really needs that right now. Ok. He can do this. 

“I know where my mom is.”

Chapter Text

It’s December 27th. Troy thinks it’s probably about 6 am, but he isn’t sure. Troy hates hospitals for many reasons, but mostly he hates how timeless they are. There’s a clock on the wall, but too dark to read it.

This chair is so uncomfortable. It’s not designed to be slept in, which is probably why he hasn’t. Abed, on the other hand, is fast asleep. Has been for hours. He’s sitting by the bed, leaning over it, his head buried in his arms. Troy feels sick. 

“Troy?” 

Troy nearly jumps out of his skin as Gobi Nadir speaks from the small bed in the cold, empty room. His voice is quiet but Troy hadn’t realized that he’d woken up. 

“Yeah?” Troy brings his chair over from the wall to sit by the bed. 

“You love my son, yes?”

“Of course, I do.”

Gobi sighs, “Then I need you to do something for him, but you can’t tell him about it.”

“But if it’s for him, why do I have to hide it?”

“Because he won’t like it. But he needs it.”

“I don’t know…” Troy looks across the bed at Abed. He’s still fast asleep, but he’s shifted so his head is turned to the side. His brow is furrowed slightly, and Troy marvels at how beautiful he is even now. Troy shakes his head, “I don’t like lying to Abed.”

“Neither do I, but we have to sometimes. Because he’s very stubborn, and he won’t always do the things that are good for him.”

Anger flares in Troy, he knows Abed can be stubborn, but he’s an adult. He doesn’t need to be tricked into doing things. He has no right to baby Abed just because he’s his dad, and it’s bullshit that Troy should have to lie to Abed because Gobi can’t just talk to his son. Troy’s just tired enough that his brain catches up to him before he can say any of that. He can’t get angry at his boyfriend’s sick father, especially because this is the first time Gobi has said more than two sentences to him ever. 

Troy frowns, trying to pick his words carefully, “I think that usually, Abed knows what’s best for himself.”

“Do you make him go to see doctors?”

Fuck. 

“...yes,” Troy mumbles. 

“You see, sometimes he doesn’t know.”

Troy bites his lip anxiously, “What do you want me to do? I want to know first, then I’ll decide.”

“Troy, I don’t know you very well, but I believe you love my son, and I know he loves you,” Gobi sighs, resigned. “I already owe you. This is the last thing I want to do, so you understand I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it was necessary, but I can’t do this myself.” 

“Why?”

“I’m sick, Troy, and I think my time in this life may be coming to an end. I’m not afraid of death, but I don’t want to leave Abed alone.” 

“He’s not alone,” Troy says, trying not to sound defensive. 

“Maybe not, but there’s a difference between parents and friends.”

~~~

Troy drifts back into consciousness to the sound of clinking dishes and two voices. Troy’s still trying to remember where he is when he’s cruelly snapped back to reality as he tries to roll over and tumbles off the couch and onto the floor. 

“ow…” Troy mutters, rubbing his elbow.

“Hey, sounds like Troy’s awake!” Aliyah calls from the kitchen. “Nice of you to join us.”

Troy groans, all the memories of last night flooding back to him. He reaches down to untangle his legs from the blanket. 

The blanket.

His blanket. 

His childhood blanket that he hates sleeping without and definitely left in the bedroom last night because he spent nearly two hours trying to fall asleep under the shitty decorative blanket they keep on the couch. Troy's heart swells a little, grateful for the reassurance that Abed doesn't completely hate him.

Troy frees himself and stands up, looking at Abed. He's standing, leaning against the fridge while Aliyah washes a few bowls. Abed makes eye contact with him and smiles the smallest of smiles. 

“Good morning,” Abed says softly. 

“Hi,” Troy bites his lip, unsure exactly how to proceed, "Um, how are you feeling?”

“Fine," Abed responds, picking at his hangnails. 

He doesn't seem mad, but he must be, right? Or maybe he is mad and Troy just isn’t picking up on it. Troy’s brain starts spinning with scenarios and things he could say, but they’re all wrong. 

“Ooookaaaayyy,” Aliyah breaks the awkward silence, looking between Troy and Abed. “Anyway, my point is, if we pull a Brokeback Mountain and market it like it’s about a cishet white man, we could probably trick a wider audience into watching it.” Aliyah talks with her whole body, and especially with her hands, even when she's not signing, which in this case is resulting in her dripping water all over the floor and even onto Abed. He doesn't seem to mind though, he actually laughs a little.  

Abed shakes his head, “I don’t like it.”

Aliyah shrugs, “All marketing is lying, Abed. I just think we could sell that.”

“Well, first of all, I don't think appealing to a wide audience is realistic for us anyway, and even if it were, I don't want to rely on white people to sell my work." Abed frowns, folding his arms.

"It's not relying on white people, it's tricking white people," Aliyah counters. 

Abed rolls his eyes, "Well, I don't care whether white people watch my movie. I'm not making it for them. Besides, I think people are more open-minded than you think.”

Aliyah laughs, “I don’t know, I had a guy look me straight in the eye and tell me that an Afro-Latine Muslim character was unrealistic because “Mexicans can’t be Muslim” so I’m not that optimistic. But I don't disagree with your first point, I just think we should take their money.”

Abed raises an eyebrow, “Yikes.”

“Was that a reaction to the first half or the second half?" Aliyah asks. 

"First," Abed clarifies. 

"Oh, yeah, I told him that I would love to see him give that take to my mother.” Aliyah grins. 

Abed widens his eyes almost comically. 

“I know, can you imagine? I’ve seen her chew out enough movie theater employees to know that that would not end well.” Aliyah’s phone starts buzzing on the counter, and she looks over to check the caller ID. “Oop, speaking of. Abed, would you get that?” 

Abed answers the phone, putting it on speaker and holding it up by Aliyah’s face. 

“Hola, mamá, estás en el altavoz,” Aliyah calls into the phone. 

“Prende tu cámara, mija. Tu papá también está aquí.” The voice on the other side of the phone responds. 

Troy wishes he’d paid more attention in that year of Spanish, or that he’d had a real teacher, or that he’d tried harder to pick it up when he was traveling. But languages aren’t really Troy’s strong suit. He can barely speak English half the time. 

“Ah, ok, un momento,” Aliyah finishes washing the bowls and dries her hands. She trades her phone for the dishtowel with Abed, and he starts drying the bowls.

Aliyah switches the call to a video call, propping it up against a candle on the table, and switching from Spanish to ASL. Abed finishes drying the bowls, sitting down at the table, and smiling softly at Troy. It’s not forgiveness, but it is reassurance. 

Troy walks over to Abed, crossing behind Aliyah. As he does, he hears Aliyah’s mom mutter something in Spanish and Aliyah snorts, wrinkling her nose.

“Mamá, I promise if there’s a man in my house at 9 am, he’s definitely here for Abed,” Aliyah says in English, which Troy knows must be for his benefit. Troy rolls his eyes and wraps his arms around Abed’s shoulders, pressing a kiss to the top of Abed’s head.

Abed puts his hand on Troy’s arm, leaning into his touch. Troy smiles and tightens his arms slightly.

Aliyah makes a teasing face at her parents and looks up at Abed, “Abed, my parents love you more than me, come say hi.” 

Troy frowns, that doesn’t really seem like the kind of thing Aliyah would say for Troy, but Troy also doesn’t think that’s something she’d try to keep her parents from understanding. In fact, he’s pretty sure she translated it as soon as she finished speaking, given the laughter on the other end of the call, so the only reason she would say it in English at all would be for him.

As Abed slides over so he’s in the frame and starts signing with Aliyah’s parents, Troy looks over at her, trying to figure out whether she was trying to tell him something. Aliyah perches herself on the kitchen island and makes pointed eye contact with Troy.

Oh, she knows everything. 

Troy’s not really surprised by that. He knows that Abed and Aliyah are very close, but still, Abed’s parents are a very touchy subject for him. Troy knows that Abed lived a life while he was away, but every time he’s forced to confront that it surprises him. It's weird that Abed has a friend that he trusts more than some of the study group, especially when Troy barely even knows her. 

But Troy does like Aliyah. It's nice to have a black friend his age, and she has ADHD too, so he does find talking to her pretty easy. Still, she's definitely Abed's friend first, and he's still trying to figure out how he fits into that. 

Actually, Troy's trying to figure out how he fits into Abed's life in California in general. It’s not bad, but he’d realized while they were back in Greendale how much easier everything felt. Abed’s changed, that’s a good thing, Troy’s changed a lot too, but he can’t help but feel a little unmoored sometimes. He doesn’t really have anything to do. He doesn’t have a job or any hobbies outside of playing the occasional video game. He still isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life, and while he definitely found himself in his journey, it didn’t really narrow anything down in terms of larger life goals. But Abed is really doing this whole LA thing, he’s good at it, and sometimes Troy can feel himself slipping into that sidekick mentality again. He really doesn’t want to let that happen. 

Ugh.

He must have zoned out for a while, because when he tunes back in, Aliyah is saying goodbye to her parents and hanging up. 

"Abed, I have to go to the store after work today, do you want me to pick anything up for you?" Aliyah asks.

Abed shakes his head, "No, but do you think we could do some dialogue review for the basement scene tonight?"

"Um, I have a lot to do today, so I might not have the energy by tonight. Let's say tentative, yes, but secondary plans of watching a couple more episodes of Inspector Spacetime. We're almost to the Inspector's wife arc!" Aliyah points out excitedly.

Troy hates the Inspector's wife arc. He finds it really confusing, no matter how many times Abed explains it to him. 

Abed pauses, but nods, "Ok, that works."

"Cool!" Aliyah grins.

"Cool, cool, cool,” Abed stands up, “I'm going to go take a shower, see you after work."

“Yup, bye.” 

As soon as Abed’s out of the room, Aliyah looks over at Troy. Her face isn’t judgemental, but her eyes are studying him very intensely.

“So, do you drop huge news on Abed with no warning a lot, or is it just the two times I know about?” Aliyah asks calmly. 

Troy grimaces at the reminder of his terrible decisions at the end of his trip, but he knows she isn’t trying to be rude. Aliyah is very blunt, but not in the same way as Abed. It took some getting used to, but he likes it most of the time. Right now, though, it’s making him feel ten times worse than he already does. 

“Um, I try not to, but I guess this isn’t the first time I’ve done it…”

“You should have told him.”

Troy grimaces, “I know. I wanted to.”

“So why didn’t you?” Aliyah asks, folding her hands. 

“Abed’s dad asked me not to.”

“So you listened to him over your partner?”

Troy shifts uncomfortably. He feels like he’s being interrogated. “He’s sick.”

Aliyah nods, “I know.”

“He might be dying.” 

“Yeah,” Aliyah studies Troy carefully, “You don’t like death, do you?”

“Does anyone?”

“Hmm, probably not, but in my faith, death isn’t the end of life. It’s a transition, a gateway. Death is inevitable, but not negative.”

“Mmm,” Troy isn’t really sure how to respond to that.

Aliyah smiles gently, “Look, Troy, I like you. You’re kind, sweet, and you clearly care about Abed.” “More importantly, he loves you. He loves you more than anyone else, and for all the people I’ve seen come and go from his life in the past few years, he is himself the most when he’s with you.”

“But?” Troy asks, sensing the caveat coming.

Aliyah sighs, “But, you’re insecure, and you get in your head too often. And when you get stuck in your head, you stop talking. I get it. I’m the same, but Abed can’t read your mind.”

“So what do I do?”

“You want my opinion?” Aliyah asks.

“Yeah,” Troy exhales heavily.

“Talk to him. He’s confused and conflicted, and what he really needs right now is your support.”

“You think he wants to talk to me about it?” Troy mutters.

“That’s it, right there! The insecurity! Stop it!” Aliyah shakes her head incredulously. “I love Abed, he’s my best friend, but you two have this crazy bond. I’ve never seen anyone connect to him like you do. You guys are soulmates, but you need to believe that he needs you as much as you need him.”

Troy stares at Aliyah in shock. She’s right. Why is he moping? Abed was there for him when he was dealing with his family disowning him, and here’s his chance to do the same and he’s worrying about himself.

Aliyah stands, “I have to go to work, but I mean it. Get out of there,” She points at Troy’s forehead, “and go talk to Abed. It’s all he really wants from you.”

Chapter Text

When he got into the shower it was 9:16 am, but Abed has no idea how long he’s been in here. He doesn’t have work today, so it’s not like he has anywhere to be, but still, he can’t spend all day in the shower, his fingers will prune. In addition to completely losing all concept of time, Abed hasn’t been focused on the shower at all. His mind is still racing, attempting to process everything. Although, in hindsight, Abed probably shouldn’t have been that surprised by all of this.

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. GOBI’S HOSPITAL ROOM — DAY

Gobi, exhausted and visibly sick, sits in the hospital bed. Abed sits in a chair by the bed, fiddling with Gobi’s fingers. 

GOBI

(hesitantly)

Do you miss her?

ABED

Who?

GOBI

Your mom.

ABED

Oh.

(pause)

Sometimes. Why?

Long pause, Gobi shakes his head and doesn’t answer the question.

GOBI

I like your boyfriend. He’s a good man.

ABED

Yeah, he is.

END FLASHBACK

So yeah, maybe he should have anticipated this. He shuts off the water and steps out of the shower. 

On the other hand, how was he supposed to know that his dad would conspire with Troy to find his mom behind his back? He’s barely seen them speak two sentences to each other, let alone had an entire conversation. He can’t even think of a time they were in the same room without him. Abed sighs softly. He just wishes he knew how to feel. He picks his phone up, staring down at it blankly, before very slowly clicking the call button by his dad’s number. Calling: Baba . He hasn’t called his dad that in a long time, but he’s never been able to bring himself to change the contact name, least of all now. 

He doesn’t pick up. Abed’s not surprised. He hangs up without leaving a voicemail and looks at himself in the mirror. It’s still a little clouded, but he can see his face. He looks tired. Or maybe he just looks older. He’s not 20 anymore. Not that he misses being 20. He’s the happiest he’s ever been now, so why does he feel so hollow?

Aliyah will be gone by now. He really doesn’t want to face Troy. Not because doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but because he knows exactly how it’ll go. Troy will apologize, ask him if he wants to talk about it, Abed will say yes, even though he doesn’t, and they will, and it won’t resolve any of his actual feelings. He’s not mad at Troy, he doesn’t need an apology. He needs to figure out what he is going to do about his mom. 

He can handle this. Just walk out there. It’ll be fine.

~~~

As it turns out, it is mostly fine. Troy gives him space while he gets dressed and dries his hair. He just sits cross-legged on the bed and scrolls quietly on his phone, bobbing along to the music in his headphones until Abed’s ready to talk. 

Eventually, Abed sits down on the bed across from Troy, and he quickly removes his headphones, smiling softly at Abed. 

“So, Abed…” Troy starts. His hands are wrapped around his feet, rocking back and forth. Abed steels himself enough to raise his eyes to meet Troy’s when he asks the dreaded question: “Do you want to talk about it?”

No. Abed’s brain helpfully supplies, — “Yes,” — is what he actually responds.

“Ok, um, you lead?" Troys suggests cautiously. 

Well, that’s a good sign. Abed certainly has questions. He sighs softly and nods. 

"When did my dad ask you to do this?" 

"Um, in the hospital, after Christmas," Troy responds immediately.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Troy frowns this time but continues to respond quickly, "A few reasons. Your dad asked me not to, I didn’t want you to feel betrayed.”

“Why did you do it?”

This time Troy does actually pause, thinking about what he’s going to say, which isn’t usually a part of Troy’s communication style. Eventually, Troy starts to speak carefully, gradually gaining confidence and speed as he continues, “Honestly, because I think your dad’s right. Not that you should talk to her necessarily, but you mentioned to me that you hate how unknown things are with your mom, and I thought having the option to contact her if you wanted to would be good.”

Abed frowns, “But you didn’t even ask me if that’s something I wanted.”

“I know, I should have. I’m—”

“You’re sorry, I know.” Abed cuts Troy off harshly. More harshly than he’d intended. Troy’s eyes are wide in what Abed really hopes is surprise and not hurt. Abed grimaces and continues, “Sorry, I just don’t need an apology. It’s not helpful. I need to know what to do.”

Troy nods, “Ok, um, do you think can I help you figure that out?”

Abed bites his lip, “Maybe.”

“Can I try asking questions now?” 

“Sure,” Abed agrees.

“When I’m feeling conflicted about stuff, you always say that I should try and look at what’s causing the conflict logically, right? So, let’s do a pros and cons list. I usually think that the cons are easier to pick out, so let’s start with that. Why don’t you want to contact your mom?”

“She left. She never understood me, and when she was around she mostly just tried to change me. Make me fit into her life. And when I didn’t, she abandoned me. Twice. I haven’t spoken to her since season two, and she’s made no attempt to contact me. Logically, that probably means she doesn’t want to talk to me. She has a completely new family now, with a new son, she doesn’t need me. If all that’s true, why would I contact her?” A lump rises in Abed’s throat. 

“Good question, do you want to move on to the pros?” Troy asks calmly. 

“I guess.” 

“Why do you want to contact her?” Troy echoes the question back at Abed.

Abed sighs, “When I met Aliyah’s family for the first time, the first thing her parents did when they met me was ask to hug me. They said that it was like I was already family, and thanked me for being such a good friend to Aliyah. Her dad gave me my sign name, and her mom told me all these stories about their family, like how she started learning ASL as soon as she met Dan because her parents always told her that learning someone’s first language is one of the greatest acts of love anyone can do. They were laughing and talking over each other, and I was just sitting there, wanting what they had so badly. I know I never had it, not really. Even before the divorce, it wasn’t like that. We could never have that, but I want it so desperately. I want a family that actually cares about each other.”

“Abed, you have a family,” Troy says softly, putting his hand on Abed’s leg.

“I know, and I love all of them,” Abed looks up at Troy, “I love you. It feels selfish to want something else when I have so much, but it’s not the same though, is it? It’s not worse, but sometimes I just…really want parents. I don’t want dad to be sick anymore, and…and I want my mom.” It comes out so childish. It doesn’t even feel like he said it. They don’t feel like his words.

“Oh, Abed…” Troy whispers.

“But she was never like that,” Abed says, trying to get his composure back, “She was never a good mom. I know that. She hurt me way before she left, but I miss her so much.” 

“I know, buddy. I miss my mom too,” Troy breathes.

Abed draws his knees up, burying his head in them, “I just don’t know what to do.”

“What do you want to do?” Troy asks. 

Abed looks up, frustrated, “That’s the problem, I don’t kno—”

“No, what do you want to do. In here.” Troy taps Abed’s chest lightly. 

Abed pauses, completely paralyzed by that question. 

He shakes his head vigorously, “I don’t know, there are too many variables.”

Troy leans forward, putting his hands on Abed’s knees, and gently encourages him to lower them. Abed does. “What’s holding you back?”

“I think I’m scared,” Abed hates how small his voice is and out of control he feels. 

“Ok, what’s scaring you?”

“Everything,” Abed says immediately. 

“What’s the main thing?” Troy simplifies.

“My half-brother,” Troy raises his eyebrows, and Abed continues, “I can handle her being a shitty mom to me, that’s not new, but a child is a wild card. No matter the scenario, it’s scary.”

Troy frowns, “Why?”

Abed knows why, but he doesn’t respond. He waits until Troy asks another question.

“You’re scared he won’t be autistic?” Troy guesses. 

Yes. No. Both. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Abed says, shaking his head, “Either way, it’s terrifying. If he’s not autistic, then she ran away from me for her perfect family. If he is autistic and she’s trying, then I just wasn’t worth it.”

“Abed…” 

“No, let me finish,” Abed cuts him off, holding up a hand. “And if she’s still a bad mom, if nothing changed, and she’s already abandoned him, or she’s a step away from that, that means she’ll never change. I just don’t know what I want to be true, they’re all bad. And narratively, they all have about the same amount of potential for conflict and drama.”

“Well, you don’t get to choose,” Troy says, flatly, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Abed stares blankly at him, “What?”

Troy continues, “Whatever you decide to do, he already exists, autistic or not, and your mom is parenting him however she’s parenting him, and nothing you can do will change that.”

Abed just stares, completely in awe of this sudden shift in perspective. In that moment of clarity, his anger melts away. Troy didn’t do this because he didn’t think Abed could make decisions for himself. He saw how much Abed’s been struggling with his dad, and he’s the one person Abed has always trusted to confide in about his mom. It wasn’t because he thought he knew better, he did it because he knows how stuck Abed gets on scenarios, and sometimes the hardest thing for him to do is to take that first step. 

“Abed?” Troy asks cautiously. 

“You’re right…” Abed says, raising his eyes to meet Troy’s. 

“Oh, cool!” Troy breaks into his beautiful, incredible, earth-shattering smile. “I am?”

“Yeah, of course, you are,” A small smile ghosts across Abed’s lips. “You always are.”

Abed leans forward and pulls Troy into a kiss, wrapping his arms around Troy’s neck. Troy giggles and Abed thinks it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. 

Troy shakes his head, still laughing, “Well that’s definitely not true, but I’m glad I was helpful.”

Abed cups Troy’s face in his hands, and stares deep into his eyes, “You’re always right. Thank you.”

Abed kisses Troy again, slow and deep. He pulls Troy closer, and Troy wraps his legs around Abed’s waist, threading his fingers into Abed’s hair. He’s let his hair get a little longer recently, and Troy is always touching it. He seems to really like it. Maybe he’ll leave it like this.

Troy pulls back, grinning widely, “So, um, not to break up the moment, but do you know what you’re going to do, then?”

Abed nods, “I’m going to see her. And it might end badly, but at least I’ll know.”

“That’s amazing, buddy. I’ll be right here for you no matter what,” Abed starts kissing down Troy’s neck, and Troy laughs breathily, stuttering as he continues, “Um, but uh, to clarify, because this is heading in a potentially very confusing direction, are we still talking about your mom, or are we about to have sex? Cuz I’m cool with either, but I need to know.”

Abed laughs, “We’re going to have sex.”

“Ok, cool,” Troy smiles.

“Cool,” Abed mumbles in between kisses, “Cool, cool, cool.”

~~~

Hours later, after the dust has settled, and Abed’s mind has slowed down, among the planning and the dishes and Abed’s comfort Cougartown episodes, Abed gets a phone call. He doesn’t say anything when the phone rings, he just slips into the bedroom. He doesn’t need to explain it. Troy already knows why. Who uses their phones as phones anymore?

“Abed,” Gobi’s voice is quiet, but Abed feels himself let go of a weight he didn’t know he was holding. 

“Hi, Baba.” Abed’s voice sounds small, and for a second he feels like the six-year-old that watched Rudolph on a loop for two weeks after his mom left. It was the only one of her Christmas movies she left behind.

“How are you?” The tinny voice on the other line is oddly comforting.

“Fine,” Abed says shortly, “How are you?”

“Fine,” Gobi echoes Abed’s response back at him. 

“Are you lying?” Abed asks. He already knows the answer. 

“Are you?” Gobi responds, dodging the question.

“Yes,” Abed says softly.

“So am I,” Abed can hear the pain in his father’s voice, and his heart aches.

Abed takes a shaky breath, “I’m going to see her. Mom.”

There’s a long pause before Gobi responds. “So he found her.”

“Yeah.”

“When are you going?”

“Next week, I think,” Abed bites his lip.

“Are you ok?” Gobi’s tone shifts a little, abandoning the stiff professional voice designed to hide his weakness in favor of a softer voice that Abed hasn’t heard in a long time. A string in Abed’s chest snaps.

“No,” Abed’s voice cracks, and there it is again, that small childish voice, “I’m really scared. And I miss you.”

“Oh, habibi …” Gobi sighs, “I really am sorry. But I won’t be here forever.”

“I know,” Abed doubts the whisper is even audible over the phone, but it’s all he can do to keep from crying.

“I love you, Abed.”

“I love you too, Baba.”

“I have to go now. Call me if you need me. I’ll try my best to answer.”

Abed believes him, but it doesn’t really mean much. 

“I know.” 

Chapter Text

It’s August 13th, about 2 pm. It’s sweltering outside, but the air conditioner unit in his mom’s window is running perfectly, thank you very much. It’s the first time he’s been in this house in...a very long time. It’s been years since he’s even been in Colorado. Now, of course, coming to see his mom first after coming back from his journey around the world was the logical decision, and has absolutely nothing to do with his debilitating fear that all his friends (Abed) will hate him and never want to talk to him again. Not that what he’s about to do is any easier.

Troy fidgets anxiously, “Mom, I have to tell you something.”

“Can’t it wait, hon?” Her voice is playful, but it sounds forced. “I have some baking I’ve really gotta get back to.”

That’s a flimsy excuse at best, she never just bakes for no reason, and she wouldn’t stop in the middle of baking to talk to Troy. Even if he’s been gone for a while. It doesn’t make any sense.

Troy frowns, “Well, not really, I—” 

“You can tell me next week, we could get coffee—”

“Mom…”

She continues, “—I know you’ve been wanting to go to that one coffee shop with the conveyor belt up in—”

“Mom, please,” Troy begs.

“—or, you know what, we could—”

“Mama!” Troy cries, jumping to his feet in frustration.

She shirks, and Troy sighs, walking over to her.

Troy grabs her hands, “Please...just, sit down.”

She sighs and sinks down onto the couch. 

“I think you already know what I’m going to say, that’s why you’re dodging this all day, but I’ve spent too long not saying it.” Troy takes a deep breath, “Mom, I’m gay.”

“Troy…” 

“I’ve known for a while, but it took a really long time to be able to say it. I had a lot of stuff I had to work through, but I’ve done that now, and I can’t be that person anymore. I know this is going to be hard for you, but this is who I am.”

“But...but what about all the girls in high school?” She protests halfheartedly.

Troy shakes his head, “I was just trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be.”

“You’re sure?” She asks.

“Positive,” Troy affirms.

She doesn’t say anything, just stares down at their joined hands. 

“Mom?” Troy asks pleadingly.

“Oh Troy, I’m sorry, but—” She sighs and looks up at Troy, “—this is wrong.” 

“Mama…”

She pulls her hand away, “I want to be here for you, but I can’t be for this.”

Troy’s heart sinks. He’s not surprised, he knew this was coming, but it doesn’t hurt any less. A lump rises in his throat and he prays that his traitorous tear ducts will behave themselves today.

“I love you, baby, but I…” She looks away, grimacing, “I can’t love your sin.”

“But this is a part of me.” Troy feels the choking of tears threatening to spill over, “I can’t just take it away. It’s the reason I left, and it’s most of the reason I’m back! You can’t just choose which parts of me to love.”

A couple of tears spill over and Troy wipes them away angrily.

“Troy…”

“No, listen to me,” Troy interrupts, running his hands over his face. “Mom, I fell in love with one of my friends at Greendale, but I was so confused that I made him hide what we had...not that I’m even sure what we had. And then I left to figure everything out, and I did, but I haven't talked to him since I left, because I was so scared of how much I missed him. Now, I’m still in love with him, but I don’t know if he’s even going to want to see me again. And if he didn’t, it would be so understandable, because I haven’t contacted him in years, but I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if he hates me.”

His mom doesn’t raise her gaze to meet his, she just keeps staring blankly at the floor.

“And what I really need right now is for my mom to hug me, and to give me advice and tell me that it’s going to be ok.” Troy sinks to his knees in front of his mom, “Please.”

“I’m so sorry, baby, I just can’t.” She cups his face in one hand, “I will always love you, and you will always be my son, but I cannot love what I know is wrong.”

“I understand,” Troy sighs, pulling away, “But this is who I am. I love him, and that’s not a bad thing. If you can’t accept that, I should go.”

Troy stands up and turns to go, swallowing down the tears. He just needs to be brave until he gets to his car.

“Troy?” Troy’s mom calls after him.

He turns back around, desperately trying to keep it together.

She sighs, standing up to face him, “If you hid your feelings in the past, the best thing you can do is tell him how you feel. You can’t control how he’ll react, but you can make sure not to repeat old mistakes.”

Troy can’t hold it in anymore. He bursts into tears and throws his arms around her. Hugging her tighter than he has since he was little. He feels like a kid, clinging on to his mom for dear life. Trying to protect himself from the world. 

“I love you, Mama,” Troy whispers.

“I love you too.”

She pulls back from the hug, holding Troy at arm’s length.

“I will always be here if you need me, Troy.” She says sadly, stroking his cheek.

Troy hugs her again, squeezing her tightly, “I know, Mama.”

It’s not a lie, but it will never be the same ever again. 

~~~ 

It’s early on January 19th, the notoriously unreliable oven clock says it’s 6:15 am, but Troy would guess it’s probably closer to 6:30. Troy’s sitting on the kitchen counter, watching Aliyah eat breakfast. How she manages to be up and about before seven every morning escapes him, but he admires it. This morning she’s been attempting to teach him some ASL basics. 

It’s been…a challenge. 

“Like this?” Troy demonstrates a shaky: “How are you feeling?”  

Aliyah tilts her head, frowning, “No. I mean you’re close, but you have to fix your face.”

“Ugh, I’m so bad at learning languages.” Troy groans, slumping against the backsplash, “Back when we took Spanish Abed would study extra with me all the time to try and help, but it always devolved into us rapping or Abed infodumping about the impact of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the YA monster genre or something.”

Aliyah grins, “I love that show. Can’t stand Angel though, aside from being a predator, he’s so fucking whiny. He ruins every scene he’s in. Seasons 4-6 are the best anyway, though, so I usually just skip the first few seasons.”

“Firefly’s better,” Troy responds, leaning back on his hands, “I mean, fuck Joss Whedon obviously, but damn I love his shows.”

Aliyah rolls her eyes, “God I know, I hate it when shitty people are talented. It’s everywhere, but I guess that’s why all his male characters suck. I’m a fan of the Firefly theme song, but the movie was so upsetting. Also, Kaylee should have been gayer. I mean she had major vibes with Inara, and then the way she looked at River in that scene where she shoots those guys without looking. Preeeetty gay if you ask me. That’s why I like Buffy, sure they bury their gays a little, but at least their gays are actually gay. I also love Dawn, I will defend her to my dying breath.”

“Oh, that’s true,” Troy agrees. “But Firefly is just so well done. Like that one episode where Wash and Mal are fighting about Zoe while being tortured, and then she chooses Wash without even thinking about it. Gets me every time. It’s so good.”

“I do love the “badass wife is unconditionally in love with her insecure husband even though her male best friend is a badass too” trope. It's a good twist on the love triangle. Inspector Spacetime did it pretty well, but I don’t like how they started that arc.” Aliyah narrows her eyes, “It’s better than the season nine love triangle, though.”

“Oh agreed. I loved Daisy as a constable, but Milo deserved better,” Troy says.

“So true. And it was so weird when they just had him end up with Dorothy at the end. Like it was bad enough that they turned both of them into soldiers for no reason, but then making them get married out of nowhere? It’s like they just shoved the two black characters together and called it a day. They both deserved better,” Aliyah frowns, confused. “Anyway, what were we talking about?”

Troy pauses, wracking his brain, “Umm...I don’t remember.”

“Ok, we got to Inspector Spacetime through Firefly, and Firefly through Buffy. How did we get to Buffy?” Aliyah backtracks, gesturing intensely, like if she points hard enough all the answers will be revealed.

“Oh! I’m bad at learning languages!” Troy exclaims, snapping his fingers.

“Right! Look, dude, Abed and I have a leg up on you already ‘cuz we grew up multilingual, but I also think having ADHD makes learning languages ten times harder. Like I honestly do not think I could learn a new language anymore. My mom wanted me to learn Tzeltal with her because she’s trying to reconnect with her culture on her dad’s side, but I gave up after a month. There’s just not a big enough reward system and it takes forever .” Aliyah laughs, “On the other hand, you have the benefit of living with a native ASL speaker, and Abed’s basically fluent, so at least you can have conversations with real people.”

“I mean sure if I ever learn enough to have a conversation,” Troy grins. “Also technically I don’t live here.”

Aliyah raises an eyebrow, “Suuuurrre, bud. When was the last time you even went to your apartment?”

“I definitely go there sometimes.”

Aliyah rolls her eyes, “Uh-huh. At least it’s one of those obscenely expensive rich people apartments that no real person could ever afford to live in. Why did you even get that apartment?”

“We were trying not to rush our relationship just because we dated before,” Troy explains.

“Oh yeah? How’d that go?” Aliyah asks sarcastically. 

“Yeah, well, it was a good idea. It was just hard to act like we were starting over, not picking it back up. I mean a lot of things were different, it just wasn’t different enough, I guess.”

“So when you say how long you’ve been together, do you count the Greendale years?”

“I don’t know, it’s complicated. I mean, I don’t think it was less real because it was secret, and it definitely wasn’t less real because it wasn’t monogamous, but it was different because of those things. I was really different.” Troy frowns, he barely even recognizes the person he used to be sometimes. “I didn’t call it a relationship then, but I mean, it was. It feels wrong to say that it’s been a year, but it also feels wrong to say it’s been 5 years.”

Aliyah shrugs, “Maybe it doesn’t matter then. Y’all are clearly soulmates, you have your futures all planned out. I’d say you’re doing well regardless of how many years it’s been.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Troy says, looking away.

“Oooh! I found it!” Aliyah says, jabbing her finger in Troy’s direction.

“Found what?” Troy asks.

“The root of your insecurity. I’ve been trying to figure it out. It’s the future stuff, isn’t it? You always get weird when it comes up,” She says matter-of-factly. 

Troy shakes his head, “Do you do that a lot, or is it just with me?”

Aliyah shrugs, “I like resolving conflict. Also instigating conflict. But mostly in the context of digging up people’s internal conflict…You know what, I think this is why people found me annoying as a kid.”

“You think?” Troy jokes.

Aliyah pulls a face at him, laughing softly. 

“Am I wrong though?” She asks.

Troy sighs, “No. Look, I love Abed, and I like the life we’re making here, but I just have no idea what I’m doing. Like when I was a kid, I wanted to play football, but it wasn’t really my dream, it’s just what everyone told me to do, but at least I knew. And I liked air conditioning repair, I was good at it, I knew what I was doing, and it was good in terms of money. But now I don’t need the money, so it feels stupid to do it. I guess I just don’t have anything I love doing.”

“And that makes you dread the future?” Aliyah asks.

Troy kicks his feet absentmindedly, “No, it makes me worried that I’ll end up thinking of myself as Abed’s sidekick, or boyfriend, or husband instead of my own person again.” 

“Ah, I see. You’re having an identity crisis. Abed knows what he’s doing and where he’s going. He has concrete goals, and he’s confident. You don’t and you doubt yourself because of it. And all of that makes you feel like less of an adult and therefore secondary to Abed.” 

“Yeah, I guess that’s true… ”

“Boom! I’m good!” Aliyah exclaims, and Troy raises an eyebrow. Aliyah smiles sheepishly, “Sorry, look, you just need to find your thing. Try hobbies, find what you like to do. I mean, what do you like to do?”

“I like making costumes but I’m not good at it. I used to make props for Abed’s short films and stuff at Greendale sometimes and I liked that.” Troy pauses, thinking, “I like fixing things.” 

“So find something like that to do. You don’t need the money, so you can spend as long as you want on whatever. Just experiment a little.”

Troy smiles, “I guess you’re right. I just don’t know where to start.”

“You’ll figure it out. We’re still young.” Aliyah says brightly.

“I think I forget that sometimes. And it’s not like I want to slow anything down with Abed, I’m all about commitment, I think about getting married and having kids all the time, but I guess sometimes that makes me think that I’m out of time for me, but you’re right. I’m not even 30, I have my whole life ahead of me.” 

“Exactly, dude!” Aliyah smiles, “Speaking of marriage, do you have any specific plans for that?” 

Troy shakes his head, “No, we’ve talked about it, but never when exactly.”

“Have you considered doing it sooner rather than later? I mean,” Aliyah grimaces slightly, “Do you think Abed would want his dad at his wedding?”

“I’ve thought about it, but I never brought it up to Abed. He doesn’t like reminders that Gobi might not get better. Especially because he might! Like it feels like everyone’s being all defeatist, but the treatment might still work. I think it’s just that we all know that Gobi’s only doing this stuff for Abed, and the second a doctor tells him that they aren’t working, he’ll stop.”

“Oh, really?” Aliyah whispers.

Troy nods, somber, “Yeah, he said he doesn’t want to keep poisoning himself in order to drag out his death for a few months, he’d rather be able to do things.”

“That makes sense,” She shakes her head, “God, I can’t even imagine what Abed’s going through.”

“Yeah, I know. My biggest fear as a kid was my parents dying. When I was a kid, we had one of those car crash assemblies, and there was this girl, and she told us how blood transfusions saved her life, and you know, I grew up Jehovah’s Witness, so I spent years terrified of cars.”

Aliyah’s eyes widen, “Wow, that’s terrifying.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Troy shakes his head, “Anyway, I guess I just think that I should help Abed get through this first, and maybe figure out what I’m doing a little, and then, I don’t know, I guess we’ll figure it out.” 

Aliyah smiles, “Makes sense. One thing at a time.” 

Just then, Abed comes out of the bedroom frowning.

“Hey, Abed, oh!” Troy focuses as hard as he can and cautiously signs, “How are you feeling?”  

“Terrible,” Abed smiles slightly, “But that was pretty good.”

“It wasn’t bad,” Aliyah concedes. 

“Thank you very much,” Troy grins.

“And it’s very fair to not be feeling great today,” Aliyah says, turning back to Abed.

“Mmmhm,” Troy hums in agreement.

Abed frowns, “I don’t want to go.”

“We don’t have to,” Troy reminds him.

“But, you’ve already planned this, so at this point, you might as well,” Aliyah jokes.

“Aliyah…” Troy warns.

Abed shakes his head, “No, I’m going to go, I just don’t want to.”

“You don’t want to go at all?” Aliyah asks.

Abed sighs, “Well, I guess I do, but right now the dread is outweighing everything else.”

“You can do this, Abed,” Troy says.

“Yeah, for sure,” Aliyah agrees. “I mean, you’re strong, confident, and you know who you are. No one can take that away from you, least of all your mom.”

Troy grins, “Yeah, you got here without her, you can do anything.”

“I know all that logically, but I don’t feel like that person when it comes to her,” Abed says, tapping his fingers on the counter.

Troy hops down from the counter and cups Abed’s face in his hands, “But you are that person, even when you don’t feel like it! I always see you like that.”

Abed isn't always enthusiastic about touch, but he's much more open when it comes to Troy, and Troy's pretty good at judging when he's in the mood for it by now. Plus he knows Abed will just tell him if he's being too touchy. Which admittedly does tend to happen. Today, though, Troy is paying extra close attention to Abed's body language. He can tell that Abed's in his head, but he doesn't seem to be dealing with any overstimulation, so Troy figured it would be safe to touch him. Sure enough, when Troy cups his face, Abed melts into Troy's touch.

“Gross!” Aliyah calls cheerfully. 

Troy playfully wrinkles his nose in her direction and turns back to Abed. 

“That’s what we do, right?” Troy smiles, putting his hand on Abed’s chest. “You see me when I can’t see myself, and I see you when you can’t see yourself.”

“Yeah, that’s what we do,” Abed smiles softly, covering Troy’s hand with his own.

Troy ends up watching Abed get ready from the counter, giving him some space and chatting aimlessly with Aliyah. That conversation ends up devolving into a debate over the best and worst Inspector Spacetime constables. Troy’s favorite is constable Reggie (of course) whereas Aliyah is tied between two of the short-lived constables from the revival, Connie from series 4 and Danny from series 10. The argument over the worst got a little more heated with no real resolution, but luckily it doesn’t seem to bother Abed. 

“Ok, ready to go, buddy?” Troy asks once Abed’s finished eating.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Abed agrees hesitantly. 

Troy hops off the counter and grabs his keys.

“Good luck,” Aliyah says. “ Love you. ”

“ Love you too.” Abed signs back. Troy knows what those signs mean, at least.

~~~

Troy has lost all concept of time. He keeps glancing at the clock but it never seems right. The car is completely silent. Abed hasn’t said a word for almost an hour, since they stopped to get lunch and let Abed pray around noon. Abed had also vetoed music, which would normally be fine, except that Troy's driving, and he gets anxious about driving with headphones or earbuds, so currently he does feel like he’s losing his mind. 

Driving usually gives him enough to focus on, but they’ve been on one long, straight road for what feels like forever, and Arizona’s general landscape is flat and orange so nothing is keeping him from wanting to bash his head against the steering wheel. 

Understimulation’s a bitch.  

They’re almost there though, and the closer they get, the more Troy’s anxiety rises, which is probably a worrying indicator of how Abed’s feeling, but it is stopping him from totally zoning out, so Troy welcomes it. 

Eventually, Troy turns down a long dirt driveway. The house is nice, nothing fancy, but it's intimidating. Troy tries to park in the least disruptive place possible. 

"Here we are," Troy says, turning off the engine. 

"You're sure it's the right address?" Abed asks, voice distant.

"Positive," Troy turns as much as he can in his seat to look at Abed, “The second you want to go, Abed, we leave. No questions asked.”

Abed nods anxiously. Troy watches as he takes one final breath and steps out of the car. Troy follows but doesn’t lock the car immediately, watching him stare up at the house. 

“Ready?” Troy asks gently.

Abed just nods and starts walking towards the house. Troy waits until Abed’s a little way away from the car before locking it. He has to hear it honk when he locks it, but Abed’s on edge enough. It doesn’t seem to bother Abed when he does it, so either he judged the distance well, or Abed’s retreated into his mind. Odds are it’s probably the second one, but either way, he’s glad he didn’t scare him.

Troy jogs a little to catch up to Abed before he gets to the door, but he stays just behind him. He’s just there for emotional support. 

When Abed gets to the door he just stares at the doorbell, frozen.

“I can’t do it,” Abed whispers.

Troy takes a step up and puts a hand on Abed’s shoulder, “You don’t have to," Troy repeats, "But you can .” 

Abed nods, and Troy steps back down, still in Abed’s peripheral vision, but giving him space. Troy watches Abed carefully take a deep breath, and raise his finger, leaving it hovering over the doorbell. Troy doesn’t say anything, just fiddles with the car keys in his pocket, and hopes he doesn’t accidentally set off the car alarm. Abed needs to do this on his own. Just as Troy starts to zone out a little, Abed closes his eyes, braces himself, and rings the bell. 

It chimes inside the house. Troy lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

It’s happening. 

Chapter Text

It’s just after 1:30 pm on January 19th, and Abed’s staring at the doorbell of his mother’s house, his heart beating out of his chest.

“I can’t do it.” Abed’s voice comes out quiet and hollow.

Troy puts a hand on his shoulder and Abed feels his shoulders relax a little.

“You don’t have to,” Troy reminds him again. “But you can .”

Abed takes a long, slow breath, and shakily raises his finger. He leaves it hovering over the doorbell for a while, he isn’t even sure how long. His mind is spiraling with scenarios, the scripts he’s been constructing all week are all running at the same time, but he does want to do this, so he squeezes his eyes shut, and in a brief surge of energy, presses the button.

The doorbell rings out. It’s done. The events are unfolding. 

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. ABED’S CHILDHOOD APARTMENT — DAY

Abed, 6 years old, sits in front of an old, boxy television. A loud action movie plays on the TV. Abed’s mother, KARINA, stands, looking down at him. There’s a suitcase in the doorway.

KARINA

(hesitantly)

Abed? Myszko? Do you want to turn off the TV for a minute?

ABED

No.

KARINA

(sighs)

Turn it off, Abed.

ABED

Why? I don’t want to.

KARINA

I need to talk to you. TV off. Now.

ABED

(tilts head, eyes still on the screen)

Can I just mute it, Mama? I like this part.

KARINA

(pinches the bridge of her nose)

Fine.

Abed reaches up and mutes the TV. He still doesn’t look away from the screen. Karina squats down next to Abed.

KARINA

Abed, can you look at me?

ABED

Yes.

(He doesn’t look away from the TV)

KARINA

(gritting her teeth)

Abed. I want you to look at me right now.

ABED

Oh. Why?

KARINA

(exasperated)

Because you should look at people when they talk to you, myszko .

ABED

Why?

KARINA

Because it’s just what people do, Abed, please.

Abed looks up at her, eyes wide, face blank.

KARINA

Abed, I have to go away for a while.

ABED

(looks back at the TV)

Ok.

KARINA

No, Abed, I'm not done.

(she turns his face towards her, he dodges eye contact)

I’m going away for a long time. I don’t know where I’m going to go, but I might not come back. 

ABED

Oh. Why? Is it because you and Baba fight now?

KARINA

Yes, myszko. 

ABED

(wriggles out of her hands and looks back at the TV)

You’re leaving because of me.

KARINA

What? No! No, of course not, why would you say that?

ABED

You and Baba fight about me. So it’s my fault.

KARINA

(sighs)

No, mój ukochany , it’s not your fault. Or your baba’s. It’s mine. But I can’t stay anymore. I’m sorry.

ABED

Will you visit?

KARINA

Maybe. I don’t know.

ABED

Ok.

KARINA

(kisses him on the top of his head and stands)

Kocham cię , Abed. Goodbye.

ABED

(still doesn’t look away from the TV, speaks flatly)

Love you too, Mama. Bye.

END FLASHBACK

Abed snaps out of his flashback as the door is wrenched open. A little girl of about six years old stares up at him with huge brown eyes. Her dark hair stands in sharp contrast to her pale skin, and there is something very familiar about her. 

“Hi,” the girl says, tilting her head.

“Hi…” Abed responds cautiously. 

She stares up at him, with wide, unblinking eyes.

“Um, are your parents home?” Abed asks.

“Yes,” she says flatly.

Abed smiles slightly, “Can you get them for me?”

She nods sharply, then turns and yells back into the house, “Daddy!” 

Shit, probably should have specified which parent. It doesn’t seem to matter though, because her call gets no response, and she changes tactics. 

“Mama?” the girl calls.

This also returns no response, and the girl sighs. 

“Can anyone hear me? There are weird guys at the door, and I don’t know what to do!” she yells in Polish. 

“Right house then?” Troy asks.

Abed raises an eyebrow in affirmation, and turns back to the girl, speaking to her in Polish.

“You think I’m weird?” Abed returns.

The girl’s eyes fly even wider, which Abed would have previously thought was impossible, and she whispers softly, “You speak Polish?”

“I do,” Abed nods.

“Cool,” she breathes.

“Maja? Why are you yell—oh no,” A man, probably in his fifties, who Abed recognizes as the man from his mother’s last Christmas card, walks into the room and stops abruptly when he sees the door open. “Sweetheart, what did we say about answering the door by yourself.”

“Not to do it,” the girl, Maja, apparently, responds matter-of-factly.

“Right, so, what’s this?” the man gestures at the door.

“I’m answering the door,” Maja says, frowning at how obvious the answer to his question is.

He sighs, “Why?”

“Well, no one else was doing it.”

“Ok, so why didn’t you come and get someone else to answer it?” He asks her, taking an exasperated tone that Abed is all too familiar with. 

“You and Mama said not to interrupt you because you’re working and Jacob said to stop annoying him,” Maja explains.

The man pauses, pressing his lips together, “I guess we did say that, but you ended up calling anyway, so you could have just gotten one of us.”

Maja folds her arms, “Well, I didn’t know he was gonna ask for you, he could’ve been selling something and then I could’ve just told him to go away.”

“Right, well, let’s just say, for next time, you can interrupt us if the doorbell rings.”

“Ok,” Maja resigns.

The man sighs and turns to Abed, “I’m so sorry, can I help you?”

“I’m looking for Karina Pasciak,” Abed says. He sincerely doubts she's going by her maiden name, but she never told him her new married name, and using his dad's name feels wrong. 

It seems to get the point across, though, because he nods, “Yes, that’s my wife, can I ask who you are?”

Abed freezes, unsure exactly how to answer. Just then, a boy around eight comes crashing down the stairs. 

“Oh, those guys are still here? You’re right, they do look weird,” he whispers to Maja in Polish.

“Shhh, he speaks Polish,” Maja whispers back, eyes wide. Man, that kid’s eyes are giant.

“What? That guy does not speak Polish,” the boy laughs.

“Jacob! He does, I swear!” Maja protests.

“Yeah, right,” Jacob scoffs.

“Why is it so strange that I might speak Polish?” Abed asks him.

“Woah…” Jacob gasps.

Yeah, that shock is not at all unfamiliar.

“Told you,” Maja mutters.

“You know, you can call me weird all you want, but I don’t want to hear either of you call him weird again, ok?” Abed says firmly, nodding towards Troy.

“Sorry…” Jacob mutters.

“It’s ok, he doesn’t speak Polish,” Abed says gently.

“How do you speak Polish?” Jacob asks, accusatory.

Abed stops. Oh fuck.

“My mom taught me,” Abed answers after a while.

“Us too,” Maja says casually. 

“Yeah, I know,” Abed mutters absentmindedly.

The man at the door stiffens, “I’m sorry, who are you?” 

“Um…” Abed doesn’t want to tell him. It’s not his fault if he doesn’t know, but he shouldn’t have to say it. Abed looks at Maja, “Is your mom home?”

Maja looks up at him and nods.

“Will you go get her for me?” Abed asks quietly.

Maja nods again and runs off into the house.

“What did you just say to her? What did he say to her?” The man asks, panicked.

“I don’t know. He just asked her to go get Mom or something,” Jacob mutters.

“Who are you?” He asks again, voice rising in pitch.

“Mama, come on!” Maja’s voice cuts in, saving him from having to answer again.

“Maja, serduszko , calm down!” A confused female voice says.

Maja appears around the corner, tugging a tall woman with long, dark hair streaked with white behind her. Abed inhales sharply despite himself. 

“Come on!” Maja cries, tugging her hand harder.

The woman looks up at the door, her eyes meet Abed’s, and a gasp is ripped from her chest. Abed’s mother looks at him, her mouth open in shock, her hand falling limply from Maja’s grasp.

“You should probably teach your kids not to insult people in Polish,” Abed says, anxiously breaking and avoiding her eye contact.

“Abed…” Karina whispers.

“What?” The man asks, shocked, “You’re…”

He trails off, and Karina snaps out of her shock. She walks over to him, placing her hand on his arm, “John, I—”

“Mama, who is that guy?” Jacob interrupts, folding his arms.

“Um…” Karina stalls, looking between her husband, her son, and Abed. 

Suddenly the last place he wants to be is standing in her doorway.

“I can’t do this,” Abed says, mostly to Troy, walking quickly away from the house.

“Oh, ok, um, sorry,” Troy apologizes into the house and rushes after Abed.

“Wait! Abed!” Karina calls after Abed, running out of the house.

Abed yanks the car door open but pauses in spite of himself.

“Please, myszko . Please just...don’t go,” she pleads.

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. GOBI’S APARTMENT — EVENING

Abed, 8 years old, stands in the doorway of the apartment, clinging onto Karina. He’s sobbing uncontrollably. Gobi stands just inside the apartment, arms crossed. 

KARINA

Abed, you have to let go of me.

ABED

No, Mama, please!

KARINA

(attempting to pry him off of her)

I have to go.

ABED

No, stay! Stay with me, please!

GOBI

Enough, Abed. Let go.

ABED

I don’t want to! I don’t want her to go!

GOBI

(pulls Abed away, speaking coldly, glaring at Karina)

She doesn’t want to stay.

ABED

Mama?

(Karina looks away)

Please just...don’t go.

END FLASHBACK

“Abed?” Troy asks softly, watching him carefully from over the car.

Abed looks up at Troy, shaking off the memory. He turns to his mother.

“Why should I stay? Does your husband even know I exist?”

“Yes, of course, he does, of course,” she assures him.

“It doesn’t seem like it,” Abed says icily. 

“Look, Abed, the only pictures he’s ever seen of you were from when you were little. And he may have just been expecting someone a little...younger,” Karina admits sheepishly.

Abed stares at her incredulously, “You’re telling me at no point in the past nine or ten years, you ever clarified that your son was an adult and not six?” 

“It never came up,” she mutters.

“How did that never come up?” 

She grimaces, “Abed, please, please. I’ll explain it. I’ll explain everything. To the kids too, just please stay.”

Abed sighs and slams the car door shut, sill rooted rigidly in place.

“Do you...do you want to come in?” Karina asks quietly.

“Is that a question or an invitation?” Abed asks.

She pauses for a second before answering, considering, “An invitation.”

“Fine,” Abed nods.

“You’ll come in?” Karina asks, a glimmer of hope behind her shock.

Abed nods, “Just give me a second.”

“Ok, ok,” she nods eagerly, turning back and walking towards the house, glancing back at him anxiously as she does.

“Are you sure you want to go back in? We can leave,” Troy says softly. 

Abed hadn’t even noticed him cross around the car, but here he is, standing next to him like always. For a second, Abed thinks he might start crying. Troy takes Abed’s hand gently, and Abed sighs softly.

“No, I can do it. I want to,” Abed says, attempting to pull himself together.

“Is it because of her?” Troy asks, nodding towards the front step. The little girl is sitting on the steps, watching them curiously.

“Partially,” Abed looks down at their intertwined hands, “Not completely, though.”

“What are you thinking about right now?” Troy asks, reaching up to cup Abed’s face with his other hand.

Abed looks up at Troy, “I’m thinking about how if you can be brave enough to stand here like this with me, then I can be brave enough to go in there.”

“Abed, it’s not the same,” Troy says softly.

Abed nods, “No, but it’s similar. This was your fear. I remember when you used to look around to check no one was looking every time you touched me. Now, look at you.” Troy smiles and Abed squeezes his hand gently. “If you can conquer your fear like this, I can do it too.”

“Ok, well, in that case, are you ready?” Troy asks.

“Yeah,” Abed nods.

They head back towards the house, and Troy lets his hand drop from Abed’s, staying a pace or two behind him. Maja is sitting on the steps, bouncing her knees, while her brother leans against the doorframe, watching them approach suspiciously. The door is open, and Abed can see Karina and her husband talking in hushed tones just inside the house.

As they reach the front step, the boy, Jacob, glares up at Abed, and asks in an accusatory tone, “So, you know our mom?”

“Yes,” Abed responds calmly. 

“How?” Maja asks, staring up at him with wide, curious eyes.

Abed considers lying or dodging the question, but the time for that is over. He sighs and answers honestly, “She’s my mom too.”

“So you’re our brother?” Maja asks.

Abed nods hesitantly, “In a way.”

“He’s not our brother,” Jacob says coldly.

“But we have the same mom,” Maja says, frowning in confusion.

“Yes, but my dad is different from your dad,” Abed clarifies quietly.

“Is that why you look different than us?” Maja asks.

Abed nods, and she regards him sagely, before nodding herself, “Ok, you can still be our brother, though.”

“No,” Jacob says, folding his arms. 

“No? But—” Maja starts.

“Not about that,” Jacob cuts her off. “I mean he’s lying about her being his mom. It doesn’t make any sense. If mom had another family, she would have told us. She wouldn’t have just left a kid and never gone back.”

BEGIN FLASHBACK

EXT. GREENDALE — DAY

Abed and ELROY walk along a strip of sidewalk next to the school.

ELROY

(gesturing to a pipe on the wall)

This should lead to the router.

Abed approaches the router and sees inside. There’s a bird’s nest with four chicks inside it. He freezes, eyes wide.

ABED

(walking away from the router)

Back up, back up, back up, back up, back up, back back.

ELROY

Wh-wh-what's going on?

ABED

There's a bird’s nest in there, with babies in it. The mother must have built it there because of the heat. Same reason my mom took my half-brother to Arizona.

ELROY

That's probably why the Wi-Fi's down, we'll have to move it.

ABED

If you move them the mother won't come back.

ELROY

Those birds aren't the new IT lady, I am. I'll move it carefully.

ABED

(intensely)

The mother won't come back.

END FLASHBACK

Abed swallows hard, “It was a long time ago. I was an adult before you were even born.”

“I think it makes sense,” Maja says quietly. 

“You do?” Jacob asks incredulously. 

“Mmhm,” Maja nods. “I think Mama’s older than some of the other parents. She could’ve had a whole other family before us.” 

“No,” Jacob shakes his head, resolutely. “She wouldn’t lie to us.”

“Your name is Abed,” Maja says to Abed, it’s not a question, “But what’s your name?” Maja asks, pointing at Troy.

“Oh, um, I’m Troy,” Troy responds.

“Do you know our mom?” Maja asks Troy.

“Nope, no, I’m just a...friend of Abed’s,” Troy says hesitantly.

“He’s my boyfriend.” Abed corrects firmly, and Troy smiles. 

“Boys can have boyfriends?” Maja asks stars in her eyes.

Abed smiles, “If they want to. And girls can have girlfriends if they want.”

“Woah,” Maja breathes, awe-struck. 

“This is stupid, stop talking to these people, they’re lying,” Jacob scowls.

“Why would Mama have said to stay if she didn’t know them?” Maja asks.

Jacob frowns, confused, “I don’t know, but—” 

Before he can finish that thought, Abed watches his mother walk over to the door, her husband a few paces behind her, and place her hand on her son’s shoulder, cutting him off. 

He looks up at her, and Abed’s heart aches at the all too familiar confusion and fear in his eyes.

“Mama, who is he?” He asks.

“I will answer your questions, misiu, I promise,” she cups his face softly, and that affection is much less familiar. “But first, will you all come into the house?”

Karina reaches a hand out to Maja, and she scrambles to her feet, taking it. Karina turns her gaze to Abed. He just briefly nods and follows her silently into the house.

“ Moje kochane, ” she addresses the children. “This is your half-brother, Abed. I know this is confusing, but—”

“I’m not confused,” Maja says confidently, turning to Abed. “My name is Maja but it’s with a ‘j’. People usually get it wrong.” 

Abed smiles, “I understand, people say my name wrong a lot.”

“Do you correct them?” Maja asks.

“I do now,” Abed responds honestly.

Maja bites her lip, “Usually I don’t 'cuz I think people think I'm annoying.”

Abed shakes his head, “It’s not annoying to want people to say or spell your name correctly.”

Maja looks up at him and smiles.

“I don’t understand…” Jacob says quietly. “Why didn’t we know about him?”

Karina sighs, “Well, I didn’t really think you would ever meet him.”

“You kept it a secret because you didn’t think he’d show up? How is that better?” Jacob asks, taking a few shaky steps away from his mother.

“ Misiu …” she starts, reaching out to him.

“No, I can’t believe you hid this from us!” He dodges her hand and runs up the stairs.

Karina sinks down onto the couch arm, face in her hands.

“I’ll go talk to him,” John, her husband, says, putting a hand on Karina’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” she whispers, and he leaves, walking up the stairs as well. Karina turns to her daughter, “Maja, kwiatku ? Go and play by yourself for a while please.” 

Maja frowns a little but hesitantly agrees, “Ok, Mama.”

As Maja wanders off into the house, Karina lifts her head to look into Abed’s eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Abed says, although he isn’t sure exactly what she’s apologizing for. He instinctively dodges her eye contact, and gestures vaguely in Troy’s direction, “Um, this is my boyfriend, Troy. Troy, this is my mother.”

Karina stiffens slightly, “Boyfriend?”

“Is that a problem?” Abed asks, raising his eyes to meet hers.

“No, no. Just surprised me,” she says, taking her turn to dodge eye contact. “No, I’m happy for you, mój kochanie .”

Abed grimaces at the term of endearment but says nothing. He doubts she’s being completely honest either, but it doesn’t matter. He lets it go. 

Karina stands and walks further into the house, towards the kitchen, “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?”

“No, thank you,” Abed declines. “I don’t drink caffeine.”

“Water then?” she asks nervously. “How about you, Troy?”

“No, thank you,” Abed responds.

Troy smiles politely at her, “I’ll take a water if you don’t mind.”

“Of course,” Karina nods and gestures towards the couches in the living room. “Make yourselves at home, have a seat.”

Troy sits down, but Abed pauses, distracted by a family photo on a side table. He tries not to envy how happy they look, he knows photos never tell the whole story, but he can’t help but stare at how unfamiliar it all is. He picks up the frame for a moment, brushing his fingers over its ridges. Karina brings the water over, and Abed sighs, putting the picture down and joining Troy on the couch. 

“So,” Karina starts nervously. “You came all the way here from Colorado? That’s a long trip.”

Abed shakes his head, “No, from LA.”

“LA?” Karina frowns. “Why were you in LA?”

“I live there now,” Abed responds bluntly.

Her eyes widen in shock, “Really? How did you end up out there?”

Anger flares in Abed’s chest at her surprise, but he takes a deep breath. A lot has changed since they last met. It could be innocent. Abed glances at Troy. He seems to have sensed the tension and has started to fiddle with some kind of wooden butterfly toy that had been sitting on the coffee table. Abed decides to answer as simply and honestly as he can to attempt to diffuse some of the tension. 

“I moved there to be a PA on a TV show. That was years ago, though, now I have a few jobs, but I’ve mostly been working on my own projects. One of my short films did well on the festival circuit, so I’m working on a feature with my roommate, Aliyah.” 

She raises an eyebrow, “Oh, you’re really doing the movie thing, then?”

“Yes, it’s going well,” Abed responds stiffly. 

“That’s wonderful, Abed,” Karina says hesitantly.

“You seem surprised,” Abed points out through gritted teeth.

“I am, a little,” she concedes. “I guess I thought you would have started working at the falafel restaurant after college.”

“I told you the last time I saw you,” Abed reminds her. “Dad agreed to let me pursue film.”

She nods, “I know, I’m just a little surprised he stuck to it. He was so against it originally.”

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. THE STUDY ROOM— DAY

Gobi, JEFF, and BRITTA sit at a table, facing Abed’s laptop. Abed stands to the side. Gobi is crying.

BRITTA

(whispered to Jeff)

I feel a little out of the loop here.

JEFF

(whispered to Britta)

That feeling is called the joy of freedom.

GOBI

My son is hard to understand. If making movies help him be understood, then I pay for the class.

(he starts to leave, then turns back and points at Abed)

With falafel as a fallback.

END FLASHBACK

Abed frowns, “Well, he had good reason to be. There aren’t exactly a lot of people like me in film.”

“I guess not,” she says quietly.

Abed can feel himself getting angrier, but he struggles to maintain his control as he continues, “He was being realistic, but he knows how important this is to me. He wanted to support me. And I’m doing it.”

“You’re so grown up, myszko ,” she whispers, reaching forward to put a hand on her knee. “You’re a man, now, much more so than when I left.”

“I’m not a man,” Abed mutters, mostly out of habit.

“What?” Karina asks, as if she didn’t quite catch what he said. 

“Nothing,” Abed sighs, the last thing he wants to do right now is to have a conversation about gender identity with his estranged mother. 

She nods, and there’s an awkward silence, Abed isn’t sure how to break. As it turns out, he doesn’t have to.

“Why are you really here, Abed?” Karina asks softly.

Abed sighs. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting the question, but the reminder still stings. 

“Dad’s sick,” He responds, rushing over his words like they’ll burn him if he lingers on them for too long. “Like really sick. Cancer. Treatments aren’t really helping, and he hates them because they make him feel even sicker.”

“Oh, God, Abed, I’m so sorry,” Karina gasps.

Abed doesn’t respond. He can’t.

They sit for a minute in silence, until she frowns, “Do you...do you need money?”

Troy inhales sharply, fingers stilling on the toy.

“What?” Abed asks, every muscle in his body going rigid. 

“Well, you came here for a reason, I thought…” Karina trails off. 

“We don’t need your money, and it’s not like Dad would take it even if we did,” Abed says. It comes out much closer to a snarl than he intended.

She shirks, “I know, I just assumed he didn’t know you were here.”

“He told me to come,” Abed responds coolly.

“Oh.” Karina sighs, “I’m sorry, myszko. I didn’t think you would ever want to talk to me again. I just assumed if you were here, you must need something.”

This time, Abed can’t keep his anger under the surface. He manages to keep his voice level, but can’t keep the venom away. “Well, it’s not like it was easy to get in touch. You changed your phone number and didn’t tell me your address when you moved. I assumed you didn’t want to talk to me.”

Karina grimaces, “I’m sorry, I am. I guess I just thought you’d find me if you wanted to, and here you are.”

“Why would you put that burden on me?” Abed asks. “You left me . Twice. And then you completely cut me off a few years after that. Why would you make me responsible for reaching out?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking,” she says, voice pleading.

“You fixed my toy,” a small voice interrupts the stand-off. Maja stands at the edge of the room, clinging to the wall, her wide eyes latched onto Troy’s hands. 

Karina tsks her frustratedly, “Maja, what are you doing? I asked you to leave us alone, serduszko .”

“It’s ok,” Abed responds quickly, turning to Maja. “He did, he’s really good at fixing things.”

“How did you do it?” Maja asks, stepping into the room, seemingly emboldened by Abed’s kindness. “I’ve tried, but I couldn’t figure out where to connect the wing.” 

“Oh, well,” Troy glances up at Abed, “It’s only a temporary fix really, I’d need some little screwdrivers to fix it properly, but you can do a lot with angles and a paperclip.” 

“I have screwdrivers. I tried to fix it on my own. If I get you them can you fix it better?” Maja asks eagerly. 

The girl doesn’t notice, but Abed sees Karina frown.

“Yeah, totally!” Troy says, smiling at Maja’s excitement. 

Maja beams, flapping her hands, “Ok, I’ll go get them!” 

Karina’s frown deepens, and this time, Maja notices. Her smile slips as she sees her mother’s disapproving gaze, and stills her hands, balling them into fists by her sides. Abed’s fists clench instinctively. 

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. GOBI’S FALAFEL RESTAURANT— MORNING

The store is empty, it looks like it hasn’t opened yet. Abed, 4, sits on the counter, kicking his legs. Gobi is behind the counter, setting up. Karina walks in.

ABED

And then the turtles save the day again.

GOBI

It seems like they do that every week

ABED

(rocking back and forth)

Yeah. Is a...a for-formu— 

KARINA

Formula.

ABED

(flapping his hands)

Yeah!

KARINA

(frowns and grabs Abed’s wrist)

Calm down, myszko.

GOBI

It’s fine, he isn’t hurting anyone.

KARINA

It’s not polite. You have to control your body, Abed.

ABED

(quietly, stilling his legs and balling his fists by his sides)

Sorry, Mama.

END FLASHBACK

“Oh, and if you have any small pliers, those would be useful too.”

Troy’s voice snaps Abed back to reality. Maja, spirits dampened but not broken, nods excitedly and goes to run off. As she does so, Karina catches her arm, yanking Maja back to face her.

“Maja, what do we say, kwiatku ?” she asks pointedly, her hand still gripping Maja’s arm. 

Maja pauses, frowning intensely as she wracks her brain. Her breaths are coming fast and shallow. Abed remembers this fear and confusion vividly. He looks away. 

“I don’t remember...” Maja whispers in Polish. Karina makes a face and whispers into her ear. Maja nods when she pulls back, and Karina’s grip on her arm loosens. “Thank you, Troy,” Maja says quietly.

“You’re welcome, kiddo!” Troy says, his cheer hollow.

Maja’s arm slips from her mother’s grasp and runs off.

“She’s like me,” Abed whispers. He’s not asking, it’s not a question. 

Karina nods, “She’s special.”

“She’s autistic,” Abed corrects firmly.

“I know,” Karina mutters.

“She’s diagnosed?” Abed asks.

Karina sighs, “Yes when she was little, she started acting just like you. The doctors, they could never diagnose you, so I didn’t want to take her either, but John, he said they were signs of autism. I didn’t think it could be right, but the doctors said she was, and they gave me things to read, and it all described you too.”

“So you found out I was autistic, and you didn’t think to tell me?” Abed asks. 

“You know,” Karina protests halfheartedly.

“I do now,” Abed says. “But even if I’d known then, you had no way of knowing that. That’s not why.”

“Well, you never got diagnosed, I thought maybe that you would resent her…” Karina trails off under Abed’s stare.

“You cut me off because you thought I’d be jealous of a child?” Abed asks incredulously. “I am happy she has a diagnosis, I’m happy she has support, why would any of that upset me?”

“I—” 

“This isn’t about me,” Abed starts, his anger bubbling over into his voice.

“Troy?” Maja’s small voice cuts through Abed’s rage. “I got the screwdrivers.”

She’s standing in the doorway again, clutching a small box. 

“Great, um, maybe, if that’s cool with everyone,” Troy looks over at Abed for permission. “I could show you how to fix this somewhere else. Away from here.”

Abed doesn’t want Troy to leave him alone, but he sees the worry on Maja’s face. He nods, and Karina doesn’t object either. Troy squeezes Abed’s knee quickly and then turns back to Maja. 

“Ok, is there somewhere we could go?” 

“We could go to my room?” Maja suggests.

“Sounds good, lead the way,” Troy smiles at her and she bounces out of the room. Troy quickly turns to Abed and whispers, “Find me if you need me.”

“I will,” Abed agrees.

Troy nods and hesitantly leaves. As soon as it seems like Maja and Troy are out of earshot, Abed looks angrily back at Karina.

She cowers under his gaze, “I know I owe you explanations, myszko , but I don’t…I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, start trying,” Abed snaps.

“Right, yes,” Karina swallows hard. “Um…when Maja was diagnosed, we did research, but none of it…none of it said anything about adults, or even teenagers, and I just thought, maybe she’d...grow out of it?”

“What?” Abed’s eyes widen.

“I know it’s wrong, but—”

Abed cuts her off, furious, “How did you think that? Did you just forget all the years that you’ve known me as an autistic adult?”

Karina doesn’t say anything, dropping her eyes to her lap.

“Oh…oh that’s it, isn’t it?” Abed breathes. “You cut me off because I’m a living reminder that she isn’t just going to grow out of it.”

“No, no that’s not...that’s not it.”

“No, I think it is. I think you left when you realized you couldn’t fix me, then you left again when you got your perfect, “normal” family with your allistic son, and then, because autism is genetic, and you can’t just run away from it, when you realized that your daughter was like me, you cut me off completely, so you could pretend that this time, you might be able to fix her.``

“I don’t want to fix her,” Karina mutters.

“No?” Abed asks.

“No,” she confirms.

“Then why does she stop herself from stimming?”

Karina’s eyes snap up, “What?” 

“She got excited about the toy and she stopped flapping her hands when she saw you looking at her,” Abed explains as calmly as he can.

“I don’t know,” she says, looking away guiltily. 

“Stop lying to me,” Abed hisses.

Karina sighs, “I just want her to have the best life possible, Abed. I know how hard things are for you. I didn’t want that for her. And her doctor recommended this therapy to help her. To teach her important things.”

Abed stares at her, dumbfounded, “You put her in ABA…”

“It teaches her good things, Abed. She used to hurt herself when she got upset, and she didn’t know how to talk to people. It’s helped her,” Karina pleads.

“I can’t believe you,” Abed shakes his head.

“You don’t understand, Abed!”

“What don’t I understand? You're trying to fix her. Why can't you just let her be herself?"

"She hurt herself, Abed! She used to hit herself, bang her head against the wall, pull her hair out!" Karina cries.

"Did you ever consider trying to figure out why she was getting upset in the first place? And that is clearly not the only thing they're changing, since she's hiding her harmless stims!" 

“It's helping her! There's nothing wrong with it!"

"You clearly know it's wrong or you wouldn't have tried to hide it from me,” Abed sneers.

“I know that some people don't like it, but it's helping her,” Karina urges.

“Is it helping her? Or is it helping you?” Abed growls.

“I don’t understand,” Karina dodges his gaze again. 

“Is it actually helping her, or is it just teaching her how to fit into your idea of what she should be?” Abed asks, accusatorily. 

“I’m trying to do what’s best for her,” she protests.

“Then try letting her be herself.” 

“I’m not stopping her from being herself, that’s not what the therapy does.”

“No? How does she feel about it? Have you asked her? Do you care?”

“You're not being fair!” Karina cries.

“I do not have to be fair to you," Abed says coldly. 

“Abed…”

“I’m done here,” Abed stands. “You haven’t changed. You’re trying to fix her just like you tried to fix me, and eventually, you’re going to realize that you can’t, and you’re going to abandon her.”

“No, I would never do that,” she whispers.

“Well, you don’t have a great track record, but even if you’re not going to abandon her, if you keep trying to force her to be someone else, one day, the second she can, she is going to leave, and she will never talk to you again.”

“Is that what you’re going to do?” Karina asks quietly.

Abed doesn’t want to feel bad for her. He doesn’t want to want to stay. 

He shakes his head, “You had your chance to change. You had a chance not to repeat the mistakes you made with me. You had a diagnosis, doctors, the internet. You had every chance, every tool, and you still failed.”

Karina looks up at him, tears in her eyes, “I’m trying…”

Abed folds his arms, “It’s not good enough.”

“This is hard for me, Abed,” her voice cracks as she stands. “The way I grew up, autism never looked like you or Maja. I didn’t know people with autism could be independent. It’s a big adjustment.”

“It’s. Not. About. You.” Abed snarls viciously.

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. ABED'S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM— NIGHT

Abed, 6, sits on his bed, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. Muffled fighting is heard from outside the room.

GOBI (O.S.)

How can you do this to us? Do you ever think about anyone except yourself?

KARINA (O.S.)

I can’t do this! I don’t know how to be his mom. He’s so different. I can’t even talk to him. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong!

Abed presses his hands to his ears, hiding his face in his knees.

GOBI (O.S.)

(angrily)

This isn’t about you! It’s about Abed.

KARINA (O.S.)

I can’t, I’m sorry.

END FLASHBACK

“Abed?”

Troy’s hand is on his arm, and he’s looking up at Abed with what he has come to know as his concerned eyes. He’s also stepped slightly in front of Abed, not completely blocking him from Karina, but putting himself in between them. Abed nods silently and takes a few steps back.

“Are you leaving?” Maja asks. She’s still standing on the staircase, her eyes darting between Troy, Abed, and her mother. 

“Yes,” Abed says quietly, looking at his mother. She doesn’t meet his eyes.  

“Oh,” Maja looks down at her feet. “Will you come see my moths first?”

Abed stares blankly at her for a second, baffled. 

Troy jumps in, saving Abed, “They’re very cool, she knows all about moths. It’s fascinating.”

Oh… 

Her special interest. 

Abed wants nothing more than to be out of this house, but she’s looking at him with the same doubtful excitement that he always felt when he would try and initiate a conversation about TV growing up, and he remembers how good it felt when someone finally listened.

He sighs, “I would be honored. Yes.”

“Really?” Her eyes light up.

“Of course.” Abed turns to Troy, “Give me ten minutes.”

“Take as much time as you need,” Troy smiles softly. “I’ll be here.”

Chapter Text

Troy tries to unscrew the wing of the moth toy as subtly as possible. If he wasn't trying to distract a 6-year-old from her intense family drama, he might actually find working with this thing fun. As it happens, he’s been listening to Maja ramble about various types of moths for a while while he pretends to fix the moth (which is definitely not a butterfly because of its hairy—not real hair of course because it's wood—abdomen and how its wings lie flat when they're resting). Well, actually he’s putting it together and taking it apart again because he’s really not that good of an actor. 

She seems to be buying it though.

“You already did that,” Maja interjects softly, staring at the toy in Troy’s hands.

“What?” Troy asks, looking up at her in panic.

“The wing,” Maja points at the moth. “You keep fixing it and breaking it over and over.”

Troy sighs, “You noticed that, huh?” 

“Mmmhm,” Maja twists her hands in her lap. “Is it ‘cuz Mama and Abed are fighting?”

Troy nods, “Yeah, sorry.” 

“It’s ok,” Maja says, flatly. “Jacob does it too when Mama and Daddy fight. I don’t tell him I know what he’s doing though cuz I did once and he started acting all weird and I think it made him sad, so now I don’t tell him anymore.”

“You’re pretty smart, kiddo,” Troy says, trying not to let the sadness creep into his voice.

“Not really,” Maja shakes her head. “I just notice things. I’m in the stupid class at school ‘cuz I can’t do math and I don’t want to read the books everyone says to read.”

“Those classes aren’t for stupid kids,” Troy frowns.

“Yeah, they are. Everyone knows that.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Troy asks.

“Sure,” Maja shrugs.

Troy puts down the toy and turns to face the little girl. She’s so small to be feeling like this. She doesn’t look up at him, she’s focused on flicking her fingers rapidly. Troy worries briefly if she’ll feel like she’s supposed to look at him if he’s looking at her, but it doesn’t even seem like she’s noticed, so he’s probably safe.

“I used to be in those classes when I was younger too,” Troy admits. “I was bad at math, but the thing I really couldn’t do was read. I couldn’t focus on the words, my eyes just jumped around. Half the time I just guessed what a book said based on the title and the pictures. I felt like I was stupid too, but I’m not. I mean, look, I fixed your moth for you. I’m really good at fixing things. In fact, I’m so good at fixing air conditioners that other air conditioner repairmen begged me to go to their school. Those things don’t matter less because I’m bad at reading. You’re observant, you picked up on how to fix this immediately, and you know so much about moths. Those things don’t matter less because you’re bad at math. As Abed says,” Troy smiles softly at the memory. “We’re just ‘gifted in other ways,’ and that doesn’t make us stupid. Just different. And there’s nothing wrong with being different.”

Maja frowns, “I don’t want to be different. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t have friends, well, I do but they’re not real so everyone says they don’t count, but real people don’t like me, and I go to therapy to make me normal but it doesn’t work, and it just makes me sad.”

Troy’s heart drops into his stomach. He feels sick.

“You go to therapy to...to make you normal?” Troy asks hesitantly, watching her carefully.

Maja nods, “Mmhm, they don’t say it’s for that but I know it is. They make me look at people’s eyes and not flap my hands and not talk about my moths and stuff. Mama says it’s good for me but I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry,” Troy whispers.

Maja looks up at him, confused, “Why? You don’t make me go.”

“I know, but I’m sorry that you have to.”

“Oh, yeah,” Maja sighs. “It makes me feel bad ‘cuz I feel like I should be normal but I can’t. I really try sometimes but it doesn’t matter. I can’t ever do it good enough. Even when the therapists say I did good, Mama still says I have to try harder.”

Damn it.

Troy really tries not to cry, because it really doesn’t feel appropriate, but he can feel them welling up, and when Maja’s voice trembles a little on the last sentence, a few tears spill over. He tries to wipe them away, but Maja notices anyway.

“Why are you crying?” She asks in a small voice.

“Because I’m sad,” Troy says.

“Why?” Maja asks, her eyes wide with worry. 

“Because you’re in pain, and that makes me sad," Troy explains gently.

“Oh," Maja whispers. "I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault, sweetheart,” Troy assures her quickly, composing himself.

“It made Susie sad too, I think. She’s my neighbor. She babysits us sometimes. I tell her things because she lets me talk about whatever I want, and she doesn’t tell Mama about it. I like her. She’s the only one except you that’s ever listened to me talk about my moths. Even Daddy and Jacob won’t.”

“She sounds nice,” Troy offers.

“I don’t understand,” Maja says, ignoring Troy’s attempt to shift the conversation in a more positive direction. “Why can’t I just be like everyone else?”

Her voice is small and scared and Troy remembers feeling broken and confused like this, and his heart breaks for her. She's so young, this isn't fair. It's not right. She shouldn't have to feel like this. Troy stares at her for a long time, trying to figure out what to say to try and help her understand. To make it hurt a little less. 

If he had to explain it to Abed, he'd use a reference. When Abed had explained neurodivergency to him, he'd used Data from Star Trek (and then he'd explained why nonhuman autistic coded characters aren't great). But Maja doesn't connect to TV like Abed, she likes moths. So all he has to do is use her moths to explain this to her. 

Troy sits up straighter as his brain starts making connections. He looks down at her and starts very carefully, “You know how some people don’t like moths but they like butterflies?”

Maja nods, “Yes, but I don’t know why. They’re both Lepidoptera . And moths are very important to the ecosystem. ”

“Well, moths are usually less colorful, right? And they’re usually nocturnal,” Troy points out.

“Yeah,” Maja agrees, her eyes lighting up. “Except they can be diurnal and crepuscular too. The Madagascan sunset moth, C hrysiridia rhipheus, and the palm moth, Pay-paysan- paysandisia archon are diurnal and colorful so people think they’re butterflies. They’re not the only ones, though. Like some types of hummingbird hawk-moths are diurnal . They’re Macroglossum stellatarum, which is a type of Sphingidae moth.”

“That’s super cool!” It genuinely is. Troy’s not great at expressing how interesting he finds these kinds of things, but the level of knowledge this tiny person has about moths, especially the classifications, is incredibly impressive. “Most people don’t know about that, though, right?” Troy asks.

“Mm-mm,” Maya agrees.

“So most people, they see moths as dark and scary because they don’t understand them,” Troy continues. “They’re different from butterflies, but just because people think they look scary, doesn’t mean they are scary or bad. You know that.”

Maja nods firmly. 

"Well most people in this world, they're butterflies. They like the daytime, and they're colorful, but they didn't do anything to be like that, they were just born that way. Then, there are people that are like moths. You, and me, and Abed, and lots of other people. And there are different types of moths, right?"

"Yup! 160 thousand species," Maja smiles excitedly.

"Well, you and me would be completely different types of moths, but you and Abed would be a similar type of moth,” Troy suggests. 

Maja watches him curiously, but he can see the gears turning in her mind. 

“Well, like we said, people find moths scary, because they’re not as colorful and they like the night, but the moths can’t control that, that’s just the way they are. People who are like moths, they can’t help that. It’s just the way they are, but it scares people anyway.”

Maja frowns, her eyes sad, “What if I want to be a butterfly?”

“If you painted a moth different colors and put it out in the day, would that make it a butterfly?” Troy asks gently.

“No,” Maja admits. 

“No, right? What would it do to it?”

“It would hurt it. It might not be able to fly anymore,” Maja whispers.

“Yeah,” Troy affirms, watching Maja start to make the connections.

“That’s sad,” she mutters, twisting her hands in her lap again.  

“It is,” Troy nods. “It is sad. We can try really hard to pretend to be like everyone else. To be butterflies. But, you know what? We’re never going to be. All that does is hurt us. And that's ok. You don't have to be anyone but yourself."

"But people don't like moths," Maja frowns.

"You do," Troy points out.

"Yeah, I guess," Maja says hesitantly. 

Troy sighs, “You’re right, a lot of people don't, and a lot of people are going to try and paint you to make you a butterfly, but one day, you'll find people who will love you for being a moth."

"How do you know?" Maja frowns suspiciously.

"Because Abed never pretends to be anyone else, and neither do I,” Troy reassures her. “I used to, but I don't now."

"How long do I have to wait?" Maja asks.

"Maybe a long time," Troy admits, his heart heavy as he says it. 

"I can't do that," Maja shakes her head, horrified. 

"Of course you can. You just have to be brave," Troy smiles sadly at her. 

"I don't want to be brave by myself,” Maja mumbles.

The sound of Abed and his mom’s conversation had been background noise the entire conversation, but their voices have moved closer to the stairs now. Close enough to be intelligible from Maja’s bedroom. 

“...and you still failed.”

“I’m trying…”

Maja’s head jerks towards the door as Karina’s voice floats up the stairs, her eyes wide, "Mama?"

“It’s not good enough.”

"Oh, that doesn't sound good…" Troy mumbles under his breath.

Troy watches Maja scramble off the bed and run out of the room. He should really go to Abed. It sounds like it’s almost time to leave, but that leaves a pit in his stomach too. Troy stares down at the moth toy in his hands. Time to go… 

~~~

Abed’s agreed to go upstairs with Maja before they leave, but he’s clearly very shaken. Troy’s not sure what memory he snapped him out of a few minutes ago, but he’s been zoning out in the way Troy knows means he’s been having flashbacks all afternoon. Troy doesn’t really want to leave him alone, but he’s probably better off with Maja than with his mom.

“Take as much time as you need,” Troy smiles softly. “I’ll be here.”

As Abed and Maja go upstairs, Karina sighs and walks back into the kitchen. “So, um, how did you meet Abed?” she asks, leaning against the kitchen counter.

A laugh is torn from Troy’s chest at the absurdity of the situation, “Do you really want to do small talk? I mean, I’ll answer, but I’ll be gone as soon as Abed comes back. Is this really how you want to spend the next ten minutes?”

Karina pinches the bridge of her nose, “I just thought it would be better than standing here in silence…” 

Troy sighs, “I guess you’re right, I’m sorry. Um, I met Abed at Greendale. We were in the same Spanish study group. He was the one who invited me, actually.”

“Right, yes, I did know that,” Karina mutters. “Abed mentioned you and the group the last time I saw him. He seemed happier. Much happier than I’d ever seen him.”

“Yeah, well, he didn’t have a lot of people who listened to him before us,” Troy points out under his breath.

“Were you together, then?” Karina asks, ignoring Troy’s last statement entirely.

“What? The last time you visited Abed?”

“Mmm,” Karina hums in affirmation.

“December 9th, 2009?” Troy muses. “No, not yet. Honestly, it’s a bit complicated, but short answer: we got together a few months after that.”

Karina frowns, “What do you mean?”

“Oh,” Troy smiles nervously. “I had a lot of stuff I had to work through. I grew up Jehovah’s Witness, it wasn’t exactly a gay-friendly environment. I asked Abed to keep our relationship a secret, so he did. Sometimes it was more serious than others, and we broke up for a few months once, but we dated in secret for about three and a half, four years.”

“Four years?” Karina asks. “What happened in between then and now?”

“Oh, um I went away for a few years. Sailed around the world, dealt with my internalized homophobia, and then I came home. Luckily for me, Abed took me back.”

“Your parents, are you close with them?”

Troy pauses, unsure about how and whether he should answer. 

“I’m sorry, that was invasive,” Karina apologizes quickly. 

“No, it’s ok,” Troy says, although he’s not really sure it is ok. “Um, I was never really close with my dad, he damaged our relationship pretty badly during the end of high school and the first few years of college, so that wasn’t much of a change. My mom though, that was hard. We used to be really close, and I still love her very much, but she couldn’t reconcile my sexuality and her religion, so we’re not really in contact anymore.”

“Was that your decision or hers?”

“Well, I think it depends on your perspective,” Troy says. “But short answer? Me.”

“Ah, see this is what you and Abed do not understand,” Karina sighs. “You don’t know how difficult being a parent is. You try to do the best you can, to make the best decisions for your child, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to do that. And if you make the wrong decisions, your child might leave you. If you have children one day, you will see. It’s not as simple as you think.”

Troy feels an indescribable rage flood over him. He hates this fucking woman. This isn’t new, but he’d really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. He’d wanted this to be a good thing, but it’s just made everything worse.

“Abed’s an independent adult,” Troy seethes, trying to keep the rage out of his voice as much as possible. “He doesn’t need you to make decisions for him, he can do that on his own. And for the record, I think he’s going to be a fantastic parent. But you aren’t looking at this the right way. Your children aren’t your property, and you don’t get to decide what they’ll do when they’re grown up. My situation is completely different than Abed’s anyway because Abed didn’t choose to cut you off, you chose to cut him off. Whatever he chooses to do now, you started this.”

Karina gapes at him in disbelief, but Troy is so far from being done. He’s started now, and he needs desperately to communicate with this woman that she is wrong. 

“You know,” Troy continues. “Every day that I wake up next to him, I’m proving two things to him: that he is loved, and that he’s worth coming back to. I am going to prove that to him every day until he believes it and then I’ll do it again the next day. Because he is. In all those years I was gone, I was never running away. I was always coming home, and one day, I’m gonna marry him and we’re going to have a family, and he is never going to have to doubt that he is loved ever again.”

“I love him,” Karina whispers.

“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t think you do, and frankly, I’m with him, because I’m having a really hard time seeing exactly how you love him.” Troy laughs bitterly, “It’s funny, I’m the one who found you. I convinced Abed to come. Gobi asked me to, sure, but I did it. Wanna know why? Because the family I was born into, the people I grew up around, will never talk to me again. They’re not my family anymore. Abed’s my family, the people I met at Greendale are my family. And I just thought, maybe Abed didn’t have to have that experience. Maybe you could prove to him that you want to be his family. Because you’re not Abed’s family anymore, you lost that a long time ago. But I thought you still might be able to be his mom.”

Karina looks up, confusion, and what Troy really hopes is hope, mingling on her face.

“I am dead to most of my blood relatives,” Troy says, his anger draining out of his voice. He’ll try kindness one more time. “But if I called her right now, my mom would answer. If I showed up at her door she would give me a hug, and make me food, and she’d tell me that she loves me, and she’d mean it.” Troy smiles sadly, “But she still can’t be my family. Because she doesn’t really love me. She loves the version of me that exists in her head. But he doesn’t exist. He never did. And she will never be able to love who I really am. So she can’t be my family. But she’s still my mom, and I love her.”

“I don’t understand,” Karina frowns.

Troy sighs, “Look, you don’t get to decide what happens when Abed walks down those stairs. He makes the calls now. You forfeited your right to call yourself his mom, and now he gets to choose whether he lets you be that. But you can show him who you are. That child in your mind doesn’t exist. He was never there. But Abed, the real Abed, is here, right now. If you can kill that false version of him and you can love him for him, and not for you, maybe, one day he actually will show up at your door or give you a call. But maybe he won’t. It’s not up to you. But whatever you do, you have to choose now. ‘Cuz if you can’t make that decision without knowing what he’ll do, then you’ve already made it.”

Karina looks up at him. She’s hard to read, but he thinks for a moment he might have gotten through to her. He’s not really sure that’s enough, especially for Abed, but maybe this could still help Maja. Maybe. Karina’s face settles into contemplation and Troy decides to leave her with her thoughts. He wanders into the hallway, and once he’s sure he’s out of eyeshot, he pulls Maja’s moth toy out of his pocket.  He’s just going to take it apart one more time. Just for a fallback plan.

Just in case she needs it. 

Chapter Text

“Are you leaving?” Maja asks. She’s still standing on the staircase, her eyes darting between Troy, Abed, and her mother. 

“Yes,” Abed says quietly, looking at his mother. She doesn’t meet his eyes.  

“Oh,” Maja looks down at her feet. “Will you come see my moths first?”

Abed stares blankly at her for a second, baffled. 

Troy jumps in, saving Abed, “They’re very cool, she knows all about moths. It’s fascinating.”

Oh… 

Her special interest. 

Abed wants nothing more than to be out of this house, but she’s looking at him with the same doubtful excitement that he always felt when he would try and initiate a conversation about TV growing up, and he remembers how good it felt when someone finally listened.

He sighs, “I would be honored. Yes.”

“Really?” Her eyes light up.

“Of course.” Abed turns to Troy, “Give me ten minutes.”

“Take as much time as you need,” Troy smiles softly. “I’ll be here.”

~~~

Maja takes Abed's hand and leads him upstairs. She starts chattering, “I have a whole collection of moths, and also a pet one, but I’m not allowed to keep them out. They’re mostly Arizona moths but I have one I found in the hotel we stayed at when we went to Canada. All my moths were dead when I found them. I don’t kill them, but I take care of their bodies. Some of them have ripped wings from when I found them, but I’m very careful so I don’t tear their wings.”

Abed smiles down at her. She's so small and so excited, and it makes him simultaneously incredibly happy and devastatingly sad. He can see her trying to contain her excitement, but she can’t. She’s bouncing on her toes and squeezing his hand as they walk, trying desperately to keep her voice quiet. Abed knows this feeling. The feeling of someone finally showing interest in your special interest. Someone finally letting you talk about it. His heart aches for her, but he just lets her be excited.  

At the top of the stairs, Maja lets go of Abed’s hand and skips a few steps down the hallway. She has her hand on the doorknob of a door that’s been decorated with moth decals when a voice rings out from behind them. 

“Maja, what are you doing?” 

Jacob’s standing in the doorway to what Abed assumes is his room. He wonders briefly where his mom’s husband went. The small boy is scowling at him, his arms folded tightly across his chest. 

“I’m showing Abed my moths,” Maja answers.

Jacob’s frown deepens, “You don’t show anyone your moths. Especially strangers.”

“Abed isn’t a stranger.” Maja’s hand tightens around Abed’s, “He’s our brother.”

“You barely even show them to me,” Jacob mutters.

“Well, I’m showing him because I know he won’t make fun of me,” Maja says firmly.

“I won’t make fun of you!” Jacob cries indignantly. 

Maja sighs and rolls her eyes, “Well, Mama said I can only show people if they want to see and you said you don’t like them.”

“I didn’t say that, I said moths creep me out when they’re alive,” Jacob whispers, and Abed thinks he sounds a little guilty. 

“I don’t have to show you if I don’t want to, but if you really want to see, I’ll show you another time. Right now, I’m showing Abed.” Maja turns to Abed, “Wait here, I have to get them out.”

“Ok,” Abed nods, and Maja skips into her room. He watches her until her door clicks shut. His gaze lingers on her door, unsure of how to proceed in this social interaction now that Maja’s gone. 

“I don’t like you.”

Abed looks over at Jacob. He almost laughs, not because it’s a funny situation, but because of the sheer ridiculousness of someone so small being so angry at him. He opts to just tilt his head and respond calmly, “Ok, do you want to tell me why?”

Jacob falters, his eyes flicking down to the floor before speaking, hesitantly at first, but rapidly gaining confidence, “She’s not your sister, she’s my sister. I’m the one who protects her. I keep her safe from the kids at school when they’re mean to her and from Mama and Dad when they fight. I can’t protect her from everything but I try my best because she’s my sister and I love her and you can’t take her away from me.”

Abed blinks at him in surprise, “I’m not trying to take your sister from you, I promise.”

“Yes, you are. You show up here and act all nice and suddenly she likes you more than me,” Jacob looks away, hugging his arms around him. “You and your friend.”

Abed tries to smile in a comforting manner, “I like your sister, and I know my mother. I want to help her, but under no circumstances do I want to take her away from you or replace you in her life.”

“Good, cuz you can’t,” Jacob growls. “I’m her big brother, and I’m the one who’s going to be here when you’re gone.”

“You’re right,” Abed agrees gently. “I can’t be here all the time like you can. But I can understand her mind more than you can. We could work together to protect her. Her two big brothers, banded together to protect her from the people who want to hurt her and change her.”

Jacob looks at him curiously for a second, but then frowns again, “I don’t need your help.”

“But Maja does,” Abed insists, keeping his tone soft and even.

“Abed?” Maja’s door opens and she pokes her head around the door. “I got them out, you can come see now.”

“Ok, I’ll be right there.” Maja bounces back into her room, and Abed turns back to Jacob, “Think about it.”

Jacob frowns, and Abed turns to join Maja in her room. The room’s very simple. Mostly white and neutral colors, with a variety of mostly moth and butterfly-themed decorations. The most interesting part of the room is a giant bookshelf full of books, including a surprising number of giant encyclopedias. Abed isn’t an expert on childhood development, but they don’t seem like the type of thing a 6-year-old would be able to read. It seems like she has at least a minimal amount of support in her special interest, so that’s somewhat comforting.

Maja leads Abed over to a small wooden desk under a window. On the desk, true to Maja’s description, is a large, glass display case that’s almost full with a variety of moths, as well as a large terrarium with a single, fairly immobile, but seemingly alive, moth.

“This is Juno,” Maja says, pulling the terrarium further down the desk to look at it closer. Abed stoops down to look into it. There’s a large black moth perched on a branch inside it. “I call her that because she’s a Hemileuca juno or a Juno buckmoth. I’m pretty sure she’s a female because of her size and because her abdomen is mostly black. I have another Hemileuca juno in my case, and he’s smaller and has more red, see?” She points at a very similar-looking moth in the case, and Abed nods. “That means he’s a male. It’s a little hard to tell if you just have one cuz they look pretty close, but when you compare them it’s easier to tell.” 

“She’s pretty,” Abed smiles.

“Mmhm,” Maja hums happily. “I think she’s sleeping right now. I found her when she was a caterpillar on the side of the road. Buckmoth caterpillars sting, so you have to be careful with them, but I was worried cuz there wasn’t any brush nearby so I’m not even sure how she got there, and it was already June, and it was getting late for her to spin her cocoon, so I decided to rescue her. I had a little tub I took her home in and then I found some habitat-appropriate brush for her and I made this terrarium.”

“I had to make a terrarium in college once, but it didn’t go very well,” Abed recalls. “This is much better than that.”

“Thanks, I think she likes it ok,” Maja smiles, puffing up her chest a little with pride. “She spun her cocoon pretty quickly after I rescued her, and then she was a pupa for a year, which isn’t even that long because Hemileuca juno can stay in their pupal stage for up to four years.” “Now that she’s emerged I’m not really sure how long she’s going to live for. Adult Hemileuca juno don’t feed once they mate, so they don’t live very long, but she hasn’t mated, so I’m not sure what that means. But I think I’ll probably put her in the case once she dies so I can preserve her.”

Abed nods somberly, but Maja doesn’t seem sad, so Abed turns his attention to the class case on the other side of the desk, “Will you tell me about some of the moths in your case?”

“Ok! This one is Pyrrharctia isabella , the isabella tiger moth,” Maja points at one of the moths through the case, her little finger pressed against the glass. “It’s my favorite. In its larval form, it’s called the banded woolly bear.”

“It’s beautiful,” Abed smiles.

“Yeah,” Maja agrees.

“What’s this one?” Abed asks, pointing to a pale blue moth in the upper left-hand corner of the case. 

“ Lomographa semiclarata, the bluish spring moth,” Maja supplies quickly, barely stumbling over the classification. 

“Blue-ish?” Abed asks, amused.

“Yeah,” Maja giggles. “It’s funny, but it’s pretty accurate.”

“You’re right, it is,” Abed smiles down at her.

“I like this one too,” Maja points to an oddly shaped moth in the center of the case. “ Drepana arcuata , the arched hooktip. They’re beautiful too, but in a different way. They scare people.”

“But not you,” Abed says flatly. 

“No,” Maja agrees. “Troy said you’re like me, is that true?”

Abed hums softly, “I’m autistic too if that’s what you mean.”

“Did you go to therapy like me?” Maja asks, her voice small and shaky.

“No. No one knew I was autistic when I was your age,” Abed answers.

“Oh, why not?”

Abed shrugs, “I don’t know, a lot of reasons, probably. It was a long time ago, and autism was supposed to look a certain way, and I didn’t look like that.”

“Oh,” Maja nods. “Are you mad at Mama?”

“Yes,” Abed answers honestly. 

“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Is it because of me?”

Abed frowns, unsure of how to answer that, eventually opting to keep it as honest as possible, “It’s because I don’t think she should be making you go to that therapy.”

“Oh, why not?”

“Because I think it’s hurting you more than it’s helping you.”

“Oh. Yeah, I don’t like it. But I don’t really know why it makes other people so sad. It made Troy sad, and also my neighbor Susie. Troy cried even.” Maja recounts bluntly.

“Well, sometimes, when you’re living something, it’s hard to tell how much it’s hurting you,” Abed starts slowly. “But when you get older, you realize that it hurt even more than you thought. I think those people probably just think that it might hurt you more in the long run.”

“Oh, that is sad,” Maja whispers.

“Yeah, it is.”

“Troy said one day maybe people will like me even if I don’t act like everyone else,” Maja says hesitantly. “Do you think that’s true?”

Abed smiles softly, “I know how lonely life can feel sometimes. I didn’t have any friends until I was in my twenties, and my dad tried, but he didn’t understand me either. It was really hard. But then I met my family. My real family, the one I chose, not the one I was born into. They’re not perfect, but they love me because of who I am. Sometimes I have to play a character because not everybody wants to try to understand me, but I know the people that I love only want me to be myself.”

“I’m scared,” Maja whispers.

“Why?” Abed asks.

“People are mean to me and I’m sad a lot. Troy said I have to wait, but what if I can’t.” She sounds so small and afraid.

“Of course you can,” Abed assures her gently. “You’re strong, and you have your brother. He loves you a lot.”

“I know, but I won’t be twenty for ages,” Maja whines.

“Maybe not,” Abed laughs a little. “But you have something really special. You’re so passionate. Look at everything you know about moths. It’s so impressive, especially with how young you are. People are going to tell you that all this information is useless. People told me that about movies and TV, but now I’m a director. It isn’t useless. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your passion is useless. It’s beautiful and important, and it will keep you going.”

Maja smiles softly, “Susie lets me tell her about my moths when she babysits us. And now she doesn’t kill moths anymore, she always takes them outside.” 

“She sounds like a good friend.”

Maja nods, “She is. But I’m supposed to have friends my own age.”

“Maybe, but what I’ve learned in my life is that the best way to get through hard times is to hold onto the people that make it easier. Your neighbor, and your brother, whoever helps you read those books,” Abed gestures to the bookshelf. “Those are important people, and you can appreciate them even if you want friends your age.”

“Will you tell me more about how you waited?” Maja asks hesitantly.

“Yeah, sure,” Abed agrees, sitting down on the floor, leaning against the bed. “What do you want to know?”

Maja sits down next to him, crossing her legs, tucking her hands under her ankles, and rocking back and forth slightly. Abed tells her some stories and tries to answer her questions as fully and honestly as possible. She has a lot of good questions, and he doesn’t always have happy answers for her, but she does seem to feel a little better, or at least understand it better, by the time he’s done. Secretly, Abed’s always been a little scared that he doesn’t know how to interact with children, but he does know how to talk to Maja. She isn’t him, but she is similar enough to his childhood self that he not only knows how to communicate effectively with her, but he also remembers how she wants to be spoken to.

“I should probably go now,” Abed says once the conversation has come to a natural end. It’s been a lot longer than ten minutes, and as much as Abed knows how important this is, he also doesn’t want to leave Troy alone with his mom for much longer. Besides, this house is starting to feel like it’s suffocating him. 

“Ok,” Maja says blankly, and Abed frowns slightly, not sure she’s really understanding the situation, but he lets her take his hand and lead him back downstairs. 

“Time to go?” Troy asks as they descend the stairs.

“Yeah,” Abed says shortly, his stomach roiling with anxiety. He doesn’t want to leave Maja. She deserves better than this, but he can’t stay in this house anymore. He can feel his mother’s presence all around him, and it’s not comforting like it was when he was a child or unsettling like when he first arrived. It’s just suffocating. The unknown is gone now. He knows who his mother is now, he can’t pretend she was a good mother, or that she might have changed. He doesn’t want to write her off forever, but she had so many opportunities to change, and he can still see that she views Maja the same way she viewed him as a child, and he can’t let that go. Watching her interact with Maja only reopens those wounds. In some ways, that’s almost comforting. Troy was right, it’s easier to know how to feel now that he has all the information, but he still needs space and time to process, and right now all he can feel is the sets of eyes boring into him. He has to get out of here. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Maja says, panic seeping into her voice as she finally actually processes what’s going on. She’s still hanging onto the railing of the stairs, hugging the end post to her chest and hovering on the bottom step. 

“I’m sorry, but I have to,” Abed responds, not looking at her, and taking a few halting steps towards the door.

"Will you come back and visit?" Maja asks, her voice trembling. Troy walks over to the stairs, putting his hand on the railing, but not saying anything to her. Frustration flares in Abed’s chest. As much as he likes Maja, he doesn’t understand why Troy’s going over to her. They have to leave now. 

"I don't think so," Abed mutters, reaching for the doorknob of the front door. 

"Wait! No!” Maja cries, grabbing Troy’s shirt in her fists. “Don't leave! Take me with you!"

Abed feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. Like all the air has been knocked out of his lungs. His hand slips off the handle. It’s not like he didn’t know she wasn’t happy, but it’s so much worse than he thought it was. After a few hours and a little kindness, she’s ready to run away with them? Without even a second thought to her father or brother?

"What?" Troy squeaks, eyes wide.

“What?” Jacob standing at the top of the stairs, his voice quiet and faltering. “You want to leave me?”

"Do you see what you're doing to her?" Abed storms back towards Karina, his rage building in his chest like a thunderstorm. "She's known us for two hours!"

"Stop," Karina whispers, hesitantly backing up. Something does seem to have changed in her since he went upstairs, he can see her fighting with herself. He isn’t sure what that means, but maybe if he tries one more time, he could make things a little better before he has to go.

"You can change this. Just stop sending her to ABA. Let her be herself," Abes pleads, trying to hold in his temper, keep it contained inside him. "Please."

For a second, Karina hesitates, frowning at the floor in contemplation, and Abed thinks maybe, just maybe, something might have gotten through to her. That she might change her mind, shift her perspective, even just a little bit. But then she just shakes her head and whispers, "No."

"What?" Abed asks, taken aback. 

"I said, no," Karina repeats, raising her head and looking Abed dead in the eye. "You don’t understand how hard this is, Abed!”

“I don’t know how hard it is? I don’t know how hard it is?” Abed repeats incredulously. “This is my life. I live this every day. You don’t understand. And you never will. Your autistic children aren’t burdens that make your life harder, we’re people.”

“I know that!” Karina protests. 

“Then why aren’t you listening to what we’re trying to tell you? This isn’t helping her,” Abed begs, trying to break through the wall he can see her building around her mind and heart. 

“No, you’re not listening!” Karina cries, shutting him down and closing herself off, folding her arms tightly across her chest. “You didn’t have any friends, Abed. You were bullied, and you were miserable. I don’t want that for her. That is why I’m doing this. I’m doing it so she won’t have to go through that. This is what’s best for her.”

“She’s trying to run away from you because of this! She’s miserable! How can you still stand there and say it’s right?” Abed takes another step backwards. He can feel the storm about to break as all of the memories of her yelling at him in grocery stores and holding his wrists so tightly it cut off his circulation for behavior he couldn’t control comes flooding back all at once.

“She doesn’t know what’s best for her, I do.” Karina sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose, “Sometimes parents have to make decisions their children don’t understand.”

“Can you even hear yourself?” Abed scoffs, barely keeping his emotions in check at the condescension he knows is aimed at him as much as the six-year-old clinging to Troy. 

"You're not a parent! You have no idea!” Karina yells, stepping forward into Abed’s space. She points at Maja, “And she is not your daughter!"

It’s over. The storm breaks. All of the trauma and frustration come to a head, and no amount of practiced self-control or breathing exercises could keep Abed’s anger in check now. 

"You're right, if she was, I'd actually take care of her!" Abed snaps, not backing down from his mother’s attempt at intimidation. 

"You have no right to talk to me that way!" Karina seethes. 

"Oh, please!” Abed rages. “Now two out of three of your children hate you! If you try hard enough, maybe you'll fuck up the third one too!"

“Don't talk to her like that,” John cuts in, stepping up behind his wife, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Stay out of this,” Abed snarls at him.

“Why do you want to leave? I don’t understand,” Jacob asks his sister, his small voice pained. “You don’t even know these people.”

“They understand me,” Maja manages to gasp out through her tears.

“What about me?” Jacob asks, shrinking against the railing.

“I think you should leave, Abed,” Karina says, her eyes lingering on her younger children and setting her jaw.

“Mama, please let me go with them,” Maja sniffles.

“This is insane!” John cries, frustratedly. 

“It is insane. You are not going anywhere, and you,” she jabs her finger at Abed. “Should go.”

“You are so selfish and deluded that you can’t even see the damage you’re doing. You’re going to wake up one day, old and alone, and you will have no one to blame but yourself. I came here wanting to fix things, wanting to make this work, and all you’ve done is pushed me further away,” Abed’s anger is just as powerful, despite a softer, more even tone. “You’re right. I’m going to go, and I’m not coming back.” 

Karina stares at Abed in shock, her mouth hanging open. She’s completely frozen, but as Abed continues, her hands ball into fists by her sides, shock being consumed by rage.

“You’re never going to change, and I can’t watch you damage another child. You have no idea the pain you caused me, and I can’t believe you’re just going to do it again.” Abed pauses, letting his brain catch up with his mouth for a second. “Except, you know what? I actually can. Because I’ve realized something. You don’t see your children as people. You never have. You see them as props, disposable. It’s disgusting and unforgivable, and I only hope, for their sakes, that your husband sees who you are and takes them away from you. You are a terrible excuse for a mother and you don’t deserve to have children.”

“How...how dare you! You do not get to come here and call me a monster! I am sorry for how I hurt you, but you have no right to decide how I raise my children! You have brought nothing but chaos here, and I am not to stand for it!” Karina between Troy and Abed and screams, “GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!”

“Happily,” Abed fumes, storming towards the door. 

Troy looks up at him anxiously, and starts attempting to extricate himself from Maja’s grasp, “Ok, honey, you have to let go of me now.”

“No, I don’t want you to go!” Maja sobs, pressing her face into his chest. 

“I have to, sweetheart,” Troy whispers, trying to pull away.

“No, no, please!” Maja grabs Troy’s arm, her tiny fingers tangling in his sweater’s sleeve. When she speaks again, her voice comes out tiny and broken, and Abed feels like he’s staring through the time vortex to his six-year-old self, “Please don’t leave me here alone.” 

“I…” Troy looks over at Abed, panicked. Abed barely manages to shake his head. He has no idea what to do, he just has to get out of here as fast as possible. He can barely breathe under the pressure of his mother’s gaze. Troy bites his lip and turns back to Maja, “How about I tell you one last secret? But you have to promise to let me go afterwards, ok?”

“Ok…” Maja agrees hesitantly, her voice trembling a little.

Troy leans in and whispers in her ear. Maja’s face stays the same, but her eyes widen almost imperceptibly. Abed makes a note to ask Troy about it once they’re out of here and he can process new information again. Troy pulls back, watching her face carefully. Abed almost doesn’t notice, but Maja’s eyes flicker down to her hands for just a second. Troy’s pressed her moth toy back into the hand not gripping his arm.

“You’re gonna be ok,” Troy reassures her, placing a hand over hers. Her grasp relaxes slightly.

“I’m gonna be ok…” Maja echoes, her voice distant and empty.

“Now you have to let me go,” Troy whispers, guiding her to release his arm. “It’s time to be brave.”

Maja steps back, hugging the wooden toy to her chest, letting Troy go. Jacob walks down the stairs to her and hesitantly puts a hand on her shoulder. She leans her weight into him, wiping her cheeks. Abed watches Jacob’s shoulders relax as Maja leans into him, and he’s glad she has such a strong ally. 

“What? How did you do that? What did you say to her?” Karina asks, confusion, panic, and a little bit of awe mixing in her and her husband’s faces.

Troy stands up quickly and grabs Abed’s elbow, “Time to go, c’mon.”

Troy pulls him out the door, and despite the slightly panicked rush of the exit, the relief of finally being free of the house washes over him, dissipating a lot of the storm within him. More rain than thunder. He hadn’t even realized how suffocated he’d felt until he was free. 

“Hey!” Karina yells after them, but they’re already halfway down the driveway. Abed’s still slightly dazed, but Troy’s quick and relatively calm, all things considered, and he finds himself in the car as Troy pulls out of the driveway.

“What are the odds she calls the cops?” Troy jokes once they’re on the road and a safe distance from the house. 

“I don’t know,” Abed mutters absentmindedly. 

There’s a long pause and Troy glances at Abed, worry creasing his face, “Are you ok?”

“I don’t know,” Abed sighs. It’s going to take a while to process all of this. Abed closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It was a hard day, but Troy was a quiet, constant, supporting force beside him throughout it all. He looks over at Troy, his curiosity returning as he starts to ground himself again, “What did you say to Maja?”

“Oh, um...right…” Troy sighs. “I told her that I might have left her a note...in the wing of her moth toy. That might have our address on it, so if she had a person—”

“Like her neighbor…” Abed interrupts, realization dawning.

Troy nods, continuing,“—who could help her, she could send us letters. Let us know what’s going on in her life.”

“Troy…” Abed breathes.

“Oh, um, the note might also say that once she’s no longer under the guardianship of her parents, if she ever needed a place to stay, she could come stay with us,” Troy concludes hesitantly.

Abed has no idea how to express everything he’s thinking and feeling in that moment, so he ends up staring at Troy in shock and awe.

“Um...is that a good look, or a bad one?” Troy asks anxiously, trying to look over at Abed while he drives. “I’m only getting glances.”

“I love you so much,” Abed whispers.

Troy breaks out into his beautiful, toothy grin, “Oh, so good then?”

Abed smiles back, “Definitely good.”

Chapter Text

It’s May 24th at 9:37 am, and Abed has been standing in the doorway of Troy’s workshop for nearly twenty minutes unnoticed. Workshop is maybe a strong word for what this room is. Troy has taken the spare bedroom in his apartment and filled it with wood and tools and a huge table that’s currently supporting the beginnings of a large dollhouse. It seems like it’s only been a few weeks since the dollhouse was just a frame, but it’s already starting to come together. 

Abed has definitely seen Troy get into these hyperfocused states before but never has he seen Troy stick to a project for so long. It’s been months since he started researching toy-making and dollhouses, and here he is, still just as committed, if not more so. It seems like Troy’s found some direction, something he’s both passionate about and able to create something with. Troy’s happier than he’s been in a long time. It’s like something just clicked in him.

Suddenly, it was like all those plans for the future they’d been making for years started solidifying. Like Troy wasn’t afraid of moving forward anymore. He’d even been the one to suggest that they should start looking for a house of their own. It was beautiful. Troy explained that he’d been afraid of losing himself in his relationship with Abed again, but now that he’s found something that’s truly his own, he’s not so afraid of that anymore.

Troy actually spends a lot of time over at his apartment now, but it’s mostly while Abed’s at work, so he doesn’t get to see Troy’s projects very often. But today, Aliyah has banished the two of them from their apartment, so Abed has a rare opportunity.

“Hi,” Abed says softly, trying to announce himself without startling Troy. 

“Hey!” Troy grins, looking over at Abed in mild surprise but not shock.

“What are you working on?” Abed asks.

Troy beams, “Come here. I’ll show you.”

Abed walks over to the table, leaning down to look closer at the house. It’s still mostly empty, but a few of the rooms were partially furnished with sinks, toilets, showers, etc.

“Here, turn the faucet, right there,” Troy instructs excitedly, pointing to one of the miniature sinks.

“Turn the faucet?” Abed repeats.

“Mmm-hm,” Troy confirms, eyes twinkling.

“Ok,” Abed turns the tiny faucet, and, much to his surprise, the sink actually turns on. “The plumbing...works?” Abed asks, awestruck. 

“The plumbing works!” Troy squeals in true Annie fashion. “I mean, I’m still having trouble with the pressure for this shower,” Troy gestures to a shower on the second floor. “But other than that, yeah, all the plumbing works!”

“How did you do this?” Abed asks, curiously examining the intricate series of little pipes leading to the water tank behind the dollhouse.

“Because I’m a plumbing genius, obviously,” Troy grins. “No, uh, I’m not the first, so there’s advice and stuff on the internet. And also I’m a plumbing genius.”

Troy surveys the house carefully, “I want to rig up electricity next, make the lights work and stuff, but that’s a little out of my comfort zone, so we’ll see.”

“If anyone can do it, you can,” Abed assures him softly, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing his temple.

Troy smiles, leaning into Abed’s touch, “Thanks, buddy.”

“Look what I have,” Abed pulls out a letter and dangles it in front of Troy’s face. 

“Is that from Maja?” Troy asks, swiveling around in his chair to face Abed. 

“Mmhm, I know you’ve been worried about her.” They had gotten a letter from Maja a few weeks after their initial visit and had responded immediately, making sure to send the letter to the address Maja’s had been sent from, not to her house, but months had passed without a response, and they’d both started to worry. However, this morning, Abed had gotten a text from Aliyah telling him he’d gotten a letter, and that she was going to drop it off at Troy’s.

“Yeah, I just…” Troy sighs, “I still feel bad for leaving her.”

“I know, me too, but it was the best we could have done. CPS won’t get involved, we did everything we could,” Abed pulls up a chair next to Troy.

“I know,” Troy smiles weakly.

“You did an amazing thing, Troy,” Abed reassures him again. “You gave her friends, people she trusts to talk to, and you gave her hope of a better future. Those things would have helped me so much when I was her age. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Logically, I know you’re right, but it’s still hard.”

Abed feels that way too, but the biggest lesson he’s had to learn this year is that he has to try to let go of what he can’t control.

Abed smiles softly, squeezing Troy’s thigh gently, “Well, I haven’t read this yet, so I was thinking I could read it to you.”

“Yeah,” Troy perks up a little. “Let’s do it!”

Abed clears his throat and reads Maja’s letter out loud:

Hi Troy and Abed,

It’s Maja! Susie helped me write this again. Sorry, I didn’t write for a while, Susie went on vacation, and then Mama didn’t send us to her to babysit us for a while. But I’m at her house today so I can write to you. Everything’s been ok, so don’t worry. I’ve started trying more in my therapy because it makes it better since I can’t get out of it. It’s still bad but I’m ok. Last time I said that Mama was letting me keep my moths out and read my books more and stuff but she’s not letting me do that anymore. Jacob said she probably doesn’t feel as bad anymore since it’s been a while since you came. It’s ok though. Juno died last month. It was sad but I’m ok. I put her into my case and when I get sad I still talk to her sometimes. But I rescued another caterpillar this week. I’m pretty sure it’s a Gracile Palpita Moth. I’m excited for school to be over so I can build a new tank for after they pupate. I’m tired of school, but my teacher said that next year in second grade I’ll get to have more choice over what I can read, so I’m excited for that. Hopefully, you get this and write me back soon.

Bye, Maja

“She sounds like she’s doing ok, all things considered…” Troy frowns, unsure.

“Yeah, see? She’s strong,” Abed nods. “And she has us.”

The two of them quickly compose a response letter, sending their condolences about Luna, wishing her luck with the new caterpillar, and asking her about how school is going and whether she has any other summer plans. Finally, they wished her luck on her continuing therapy journey and reminded her not to lose herself in the process.

“Before you send the response off, I have some pictures to send with it. I’m obviously not even close to decorating, but I started planning what the rooms would be, and since I kind of designed it like what we want our future house to look like, I thought I’d make a room for Maja.”

Abed’s heart swells, Troy clearly cares about Maja so much. When he was younger, Abed never used to think he’d have kids, but interacting with Maja and watching Troy do so has drastically changed Abed’s perspective. 

“So, I made this for the room once I get to it,” Troy continues, pulling out a perfect miniature version of Maja’s moth collection.

“Troy, this is amazing. You made this?” Abed asks, examining the little case carefully.

“Yeah! I used shrinky dinks,” Troy laughs. “I’ve been having a lot of fun with minis.”

Abed watches Troy fiddle with his miniatures and he can’t contain the small smile that ghosts across his lips. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Troy asks, his nose wrinkling as he keeps chuckling softly.

“You’re just so beautiful,” Abed whispers.

“What?” Troy giggles in confusion.

“You’re so happy, I love seeing you like this.”

“Well, I’ve found something I like to do,” Troy shrugs like he’s trying to play it off, but his lingering smile reveals how happy he really is.

“I know, I’m happy for you.”

“Do you think she’ll like it?” Troy asks.

“Maja?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure she will,” Abed assures him. 

“What’re you doing in here anyway? Isn’t it bad luck to see each other before the wedding?” Troy teases.

“Hmm, it’s not much of a wedding.”

“We’re definitely getting married, though,” Troy points out. “So I’m pretty sure it qualifies as a wedding.”

“Well, I think it’s only bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding, and I don’t think either of us is a bride, exactly,” Abed muses.

“Maybe not, but if one of us was going to be a bride, it would be me, right?” Troy teases, standing and crossing the room to return the minis to their respective drawers. “I mean, I’d look great in a dress.”

Abed hums happily, “You would.”

~~~ 

The wedding itself is incredibly casual. Troy’s just wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Abed’s just substituted his typical graphic tee for a slightly nicer button-down. Similarly, the few guests, just the study group, Aliyah and her parents, and Abed’s dad, are dressed casually, if ever so slightly more dressed up than normal. Despite the very casual nature of the wedding, Aliyah still took the opportunity to go all out in decorating the apartment. It’s beautiful. Flowers, fairy lights, and paper lanterns cover the room, with long multicolored strips of fabric draped over the windows, behind where Troy, Abed, and their officiant, Aliyah’s mom, Ana, are standing. Aliyah had also completely rearranged the furniture in the apartment and had arranged all the chairs she could find in the center of the room. 

Abed looks down at his hands in Troy’s and his heart floods with profound love and joy. 

"Do you, Abed Nadir, take Troy Barnes to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Ana asks, signing her words as she speaks them as well. 

"I do,” Abed vows, smiling softly at Troy.

"And do you, Troy Barnes, take Abed Nadir to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I definitely do,” Troy vows, eliciting a laugh from the attendees. 

"In that case, I am honored to pronounce you married!"

"Nice!" Troy exclaims, grinning widely and extending his hand to Abed.

Abed smiles and extends his too. They do their handshake and everyone else laughs again, and it is funny, but it’s not a joke. It’s honoring where they started, where their kiss, which follows soon after, honors how far they’ve come. Symbols of the many forms their relationship has taken, and how they’ve come together to form what it is now.

"Cool,” Abed whispers when they pull back from the kiss. “Cool, cool, cool."

Abed presses his forehead to Troy’s. The assembly cheers, but Abed is solely focused on the feeling of Troy holding him. Troy’s crying, and for a second, tears well up in Abed’s eyes too. He’s suddenly overwhelmed by the scale and complexity of his feelings, of how deep his joy is. But then Troy moves, Abed takes a breath, and everything shifts so it’s not so consuming anymore. Troy smiles at him, wiping his eyes, and Abed smiles back. 

As the ceremony concludes, Aliyah and her dad, Dan, start moving the chairs. The rest of the guests quickly gather around Abed and Troy. 

"Aaaahhh! You guys! I am so happy for you!" Annie squeals, squeezing Abed and Troy into a tight hug.

"You guys know I don't usually agree with weddings on principle, but I cried. If anyone should get married it's you two!" Britta agrees, smiling waterily. 

"Thanks, Britta," Troy grins, hugging her. 

"Yeah, look, if any relationship can make it, it's this one. Congratulations," Jeff smiles and claps Abed on the shoulder. 

"I cannot believe you talked me into coming all the way to California, but it was worth it. Congratulations, Abed,” Frankie says somewhat stiffly. 

Knowing how uncomfortable Frankie can get in these kinds of social situations, especially since she doesn’t even really know Troy, and how much she hates leaving Greendale, only makes Abed appreciate her being here even more.

“Thanks for abandoning Greendale for us, Frankie,” Abed smiles, hoping it comes across as grateful and reassuring. 

“Well, I made the dean promise not to throw a dance while we were away, but I do not trust him to stick to that agreement, so if we go back to a destroyed school, I will be blaming both of you,” Frankie jokes. 

“I’ll pay for repairs if that happens,” Troy laughs.

Frankie chuckles and seems to significantly relax. That is until Aliyah bounds up behind them, throwing her arms around Abed. 

“Congratulations, losers! I’m so happy for you guys!” 

Abed laughs, “Thank you!”

“Have you met these guys yet?” Troy asks Aliyah. 

“Oh, no, not yet! Hey, I’m Aliyah!” Aliyah grins, waving at the study group.

“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you! I’ve heard so much about you,” Annie responds, smiling widely.

“Oh, only good things I hope,” Aliyah laughs.

“Oh, absolutely,” Annie giggles.

As Abed’s friend groups start to mingle, his eyes drift over to the other side of the room. Gobi is sitting alone in one of the few chairs not being cleared away. Abed slips away from the group and heads over to his father, sitting in the chair next to him. 

Gobi smiles softly at Abed, “Congratulations, Abed. It’s so good to see you so happy.”

“I’m glad you made it, Baba,” Abed whispers.

“Yes,” Gobi sighs and pats Abed’s knee gently. “Thank you for this, habibi . I know things have been hard, but I’m glad I can be here for you, even if it’s just for this.”

Abed frowns, “Baba…”

“No, no, hush. Let me finish. Even if I can’t be here next to you, for your children, or for other important things, know that I will always be right here,” Gobi taps Abed’s chest. “With you.”

“I know, Baba.” Abed looks at his father, sadness and joy and heartbreak all mingling in a confusing and borderline overwhelming emotion soup.  

Gobi chuckles quietly, “Ah, don’t look at me like that. Now’s not a time to be sad, Abed. It’s a happy day.”

“Yeah,” Abed manages to summon a smile as he watches his family laughing and talking. 

“Sorry to cut in,” Troy hesitantly approaches, placing one hand on the back of Abed’s chair and extending the other to Abed. “But, um, may I have this dance?”

“Go on,” Gobi encourages him, and Abed can’t help but notice how his attempts to mask the exhaustion and pain are wearing thin. But he nods at Abed with his familiar strained smile, so Abed just stands, takes Troy’s hand, and lets him lead him to the center of the room, which has been cleared of chairs and designated the dance floor. 

Their first dance was the only part of the wedding that Troy had insisted on organizing on his own, so Abed was more than a little curious. The two of them start slow dancing as the first few chords of Somewhere Out There start playing. 

“Bit sad for a first dance, don’t you think?” Abed teases. It’s quite a sad song, but Abed doesn’t really mind, considering how strong of a connection they have to it, but before he can say anything else Troy laughs a little. 

“Wait for it,” Troy holds up a finger.

As he says that, the first verse of the song ends, and bagpipes kick in. Abed’s eyes widen as he remembers the bagpipes drifting down the hallway from the cafeteria that first time they sang this song together. It’s adorable and hilarious, and Abed just can’t get over how much he loves Troy.

“Did you…?” Abed laughs against Troy’s shoulder. 

“I pulled a few strings, threw it together,” Troy shrugs. “It was fun!”

Abed stares at him, in awe of how effortlessly Troy manages to be sentimental and earnest all at once.

“Um, do you—do you like it?” Troy asks sheepishly. 

“I love it,” Abed pulls Troy into a tight hug. They’re not even really dancing, but he doesn't care.

Troy pulls back from the hug, smiling his huge, toothy smile, “I love you.”  

Abed kisses Troy, “I love you too.”

“C’mon!” Troy exclaims, grabbing Abed’s hands and pulling him into a dance.

The rest of the gang joins them. Britta and Jeff twirling around in a surprisingly romantic fashion for the two of them, Frankie and Dan are chatting in the corner of the dance floor, but Dan seems to be trying to convince Frankie to dance with him, Ana is talking animatedly with Gobi in the corner of the room, and Aliyah and Annie are dancing in the center of the floor. Abed recognizes Aliyah’s flirting and Annie’s nervous reaction to it well, and laughs to himself. 

Surrounded by his family, his real one, the one he chose, and in the arms of his husband, Abed finds himself completely in the moment for the first time in a very long time. Life is still just as tragic and messy as it was yesterday, but just for today, Abed lets himself let go of his worries and just focuses on the feeling of dancing with Troy and the knowledge that no matter how dark it got, this light was always waiting for him.