Chapter Text
“Chat!” Karl’s voice raised in pitch whilst he tapped the top of Sapnap’s hand, the one he’d aggressively sprawled on the desk in front of them. “He’s- are you nervous?” Karl turned to briefly look at him.
“Mhm,” Sapnap nodded slightly in response.
Nervous was an understatement. He couldn’t put a word to the curling in his guts, the butterflies that swarmed into wasps and stung his throat. Sapnap felt sick to his stomach.
What made him feel worse was that this shouldn’t make him so nervous. He was the one who agreed to the subgoal, and Karl made it clear a million times they didn’t have to do it before he even agreed to it. They knew the fans were begging for it forever, he’d already gone outside his comfort zone and did face cam streams since he arrived, and now he was minutes away from allowing Karl to paint his nails.
There was nothing wrong with it, he knows boys can paint their nails.
Hell, Karl had done it so many times already and even Sapnap thought the variety of colors looked lovely. But it just felt right, it suited Karl in a way. Shiny shades of purples and pinks, whites paired with yellow, and even just simple black or red.
Karl was pretty, he was allowed to dip his nails in sparkly colors and not be judged. Nobody would even bat an eye in his direction because it’s Karl.
Sapnap could only convince himself to do black, even if he secretly wanted to have his nails a mix of yellows, oranges, and vibrant reds.
“That’s okay… If I don’t like it I can just take it off.” Sapnap anxiously eyed the nail polish remover across the desk from him, Karl kept giggling over his obvious nerves.
Chat kept whizzing by on the monitor. Realistically, Sapnap knew there was an extremely low chance even one of those messages was in any way negative. Twitter was already in an uproar over how “hot” it would be once his nails were finished, but something unfurled in the pit of his stomach that screamed it wasn’t good.
As Karl uncapped the black bottle, Sapnap could feel his free hand shaking, because the other was being pressed into the desk so hard that it left an ache in his wrist just so Karl wouldn’t notice.
He shouldn't be nervous.
***
Sapnap’s phone buzzed in his hand a moment after Karl returned from the bathroom, Dream had called him in an attempt to spare his awkwardness being alone on stream. They pointed it out numerous times since he’d got there, he was just a quiet person, but more so he just got caught up in his own head. He didn’t mean to be so boring, and could only pray the viewers couldn't read into the anxieties muddying up his brain.
“What do you think of my nails?” Sapnap held up his hands for the camera, hoping for Dream’s approval.
“Um yeah, they're great.”
“You think they look good on me?” He dabbled into more playful-sounding banter.
“Um... yeah,” Karl burst into laughter and the chat quickie erupted into protests. They talked about it before, Dream was always just brutally honest. But Sapnap still tried his best to ignore the uncertainty in Dream’s tone, he needed to compose himself fast.
“You think I look handsome?” He responded flirtatiously.
“Yes… you do,” Dream hesitated again before picking up his words, “You look- well, you look- you look fine as hell. But the nails? Ehh.”
“Yeah, I don't know if they fit me…”
“Yeah knowing you, I don't know…” Sapnap slowly tuned out of the conversation, laughing whenever Karl did and adding in small input just to stay in touch, but his mind had wandered far off.
He knew Dream thought the same way he did. It wasn’t like he meant to think the way he did, but growing up in Texas still left a mark on him. The lasting impression of homophobic comments and titles of “gay” in middle school rang through his head at the mere sight of the colorful bottles.
Where he was from, growing up, boys weren’t allowed to be pretty. They couldn't paint their nails or wear flowy dresses. Well, not unless they were actually gay, then it wasn’t a problem. Boys couldn’t wear rings and necklaces, they had to wear suits and ties to prom and be referred to as handsome.
But the day Sapnap had seen Karl’s face for the first time, all that flew out the window.
Karl was pretty— gorgeous, even. But he was allowed to be pretty… Sapnap wasn’t.
Sapnap liked sports such as basketball and football. He liked wearing cool and expensive shoes, like a lot of young boys. He was a “Chad”, fuming masculinity to everyone he came in contact with, even the fans. He was on too high of a pedestal to go back now, his reputation as everyone knew him could come crashing down if he was pretty. But thankfully he wasn’t, he was handsome at most, the butt of the joke to his friends.
If you asked him, though, Sapnap wasn’t even that fond of himself to call himself that outside of playful banter.
It was a relief when Karl was finally ending the stream, stating they’d be busy the next day filming and needed to run for the night. After the raid had gone through, Sapnap let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, but his hands were still trembling slightly under the fresh coat of black paint.
***
The same issue reappeared in the form of affection.
It was no secret to anyone that Karl’s love language was affection and physical touch. Half of his time in Mr. Beast’s videos was spent latched onto Chris or hugging Jimmy, and Sapnap had the blessing of experiencing it tenfold since he arrived.
He didn’t hate it, no, Sapnap was hopeless for the gentle touches that sprouted from those same damn hands, the ones that now were painted a mixture of white, purple, and yellow— peanut butter and jelly, Karl called it.
Being on camera made everything flip-flop again for Sapnap though. With nearly a hundred thousand viewers on his alt stream, that was a hundred thousand eyes watching, judging every single thing he did.
So when Karl had tried to interlace their fingers— obviously as a small gag to the fans —his primal instinct was to rip it away and protect himself. Karl just laughed it off, since on any stream he’d shied away from all of Karl’s affection, it probably just seemed normal to the taller boy.
How desperately Sapnap wanted to keep their hands locked together, to feel those pretty, glossed nails graze over the back of his palm and ground him from this spiral he was falling into. Karl had been even more playful tonight, from the hand holding to smacking his face when we left to go start his own alt stream, but it was almost too much.
It was a miracle to Sapnap that Kingdom Hearts kept crashing, it meant less time he had to force a smile for the camera and keep himself calm. His nails weren’t even painted anymore, he’d ended up picking all the polish off the same night when he turned in for bed to try and sleep. And now Karl wasn’t even so touchy since they moved rooms, there was more room between the two compared to the cramped space they needed to fit both of them on camera.
But soon enough they’d ended stream, Karl was disappointed that his favorite game wouldn’t work for the night, but Sapnap was thankful to get out of there. His chest felt tighter and he just really needed to breathe.
“Goodnight, Nick!” Karl patted his shoulder, giving him a warm smile that Sapnap melted for every time. It was more genuine, not a hysterical one he put in for the cameras, just an intimate smile saved for him and him only.
“Goodnight.” Sapnap smiled back, shakily standing from what he deemed his chair— the other he said was totally broken from Karl kicking it so often —and making his way out to the guest room.
***
It was almost 4 am, only a few hours before they needed to get up for more filming, but Sapnap found himself tossing and turning. He couldn’t shake the constant nauseous feeling he had, despite his attempt to stay off of Twitter to avoid thinking too hard about what everyone had to say now.
His mind kept wandering back to Karl.
Karl wasn’t ashamed to be pretty, in fact, he seemed to embrace it. It was almost like he just knew everyone would drop to their knees in a second to please him, to earn the approval of the prettiest boy they’d ever laid their eyes on.
Sapnap sure did, he constantly found himself wound up in the way his name sounded coming from Karl’s lips, complemented with the fondest smile and sparkliest eyes ever. He wanted to turn around in the sheets and see those same eyes staring back at him as they crinkled into a smile.
Karl was simply angelic.
And the realization was hitting Sapnap like a freight train.
It wasn’t normal to think like this. Well, yeah, he could always admit when another guy looked good, and sure he could admit that Karl seemed like a good kisser. But what wasn’t was when his thought spiraled deeper, wishing he was the one kissing Karl and admiring how pretty he was. Sapnap wanted to see every inch of that perfect skin and soak in his embrace until the late hours
of the morning.
He quickly felt the sickly feeling of bile in the back of his throat and shot out of bed, stumbling down the hallway and into the bathroom located just across from Karl’s bedroom. Sapnap’s dinner made a disappointing reappearance, leaving him to groan and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand while he slipped back against the wall. All he could think about was the rising panic and tightness in his chest at his realizations that night.
Number one: Karl was extremely pretty. Not in a homie way.
Number two: Sapnap wanted to kiss Karl. He wanted to kiss him until his lips were red and sore, take his breath away as if it were his last.
Number three: Sapnap liked Karl. In more of a friendly way, he like liked Karl. The kind that was teetering on the edge of love.
During his rush to the restroom, he didn’t even notice the amount of noise he made, but Karl sure had. He’d groggily hopped out of bed at the sound of the bathroom door slamming open, anxieties that something was wrong dragging him from the warmth of his bedsheets.
“Nick?” Karl’s voice left Sapnap frozen in a state of panic.
Not now, Karl couldn’t see him like this. He was a complete mess, and way too keen on the idea of kissing the boy who stood in the doorway to be stable enough to be so close to him.
“Did you get sick again?” Karl’s eyebrows were furrowed adorably in concern, “Sap?”
Sapnap snapped out of his panic-induced daze and slowly nodded, now taking note that he was hyperventilating a little too noticeably, he hadn’t even noticed his hand was clutched across his chest too.
Karl shuffled forward into the bathroom and kneeled in front of the younger, “Are you okay, Nick?” He attempted to nod but the pounding in his skull came tenfold, instead, he made a pained whimper. Karl looked at him like he was a wounded animal. “Hey, deep breath, okay?”
Sapnap was trying, goddamnit. He was desperately trying to catch his breath but this pretty boy was way too close and looked way too concerned for his heart to stop freaking him out. Is this what middle school crushes felt like?
Nimble fingers gently started to pry Sapnap’s own from where it clutched his shirt, slowly breaking them free of the tight hold. He intensely observed the purple and white polish that grazed over his own thicker fingers, soothing the ache that came with how tight he was holding them before. Small circles were being drawn over his knuckles, and he could only focus on that at the moment. Karl’s calloused fingers were enough to help him breathe, taking breaths in time with each circle he made until everything felt less foggy and he could finally tilt his head up to meet those same eyes again.
“Karl—” Sapnap’s voice was broken, cracking over syllables that he’d probably be made fun of for if it weren’t for his current state.
“It’s okay,” Karl hushed him, flashing a gentle but sad smile, “Let me get you some water, stay there.” Sapnap had opened his mouth to protest but Karl was already gone, his bare feet softly padding down the stairs. Sapnap had immediately missed the warmth and comfort as Karl’s hand slipped away from his. He was only gone for a moment, returning fairly swiftly with a cold water bottle in hand, “Drink this, please?”
Sapnap nodded and took the bottle from Karl, who’d uncapped it and held it out gently. It was visible how badly he was still shaking as he held it, almost spilling it before he finally got to take a drink. It was relieving, his throat finally feeling more soothed from getting some water, he was probably already dehydrated before this whole thing. Two-thirds of the bottle was downed before he handed it back to Karl, who recapped it and set it on the floor next to them.
“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Sapnap breathed out after a long silence, his throat was still raw and he sounded so small.
Vulnerable.
“Don’t apologize!” Karl rushed to correct, but Sapnap shook his head.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“That doesn’t matter, all I care about is you being okay,” he cooed, “Speaking of, are you okay?”
“I- yeah?” Sapnap hadn’t meant for it to sound so uncertain, but he wasn’t sure if he was okay. He knew he wasn’t, the same thought still lurked in the back of his head, but with Karl looking at him concerned and soft, all those thoughts flew out the window. “I was just, like, overthinking, and then…”
“You got sick? Sounds like an anxiety attack,” Karl murmured, a sympathetic smile gracing his features, “How do you feel now, though?”
“Like shit,” he laughed half-heartedly.
“I can imagine.” There was another pause of silence between the two, Sapnap studying the look on Karl’s face while he thought, oblivious to the pining look the other was giving him. “Well, maybe you should lay down then? Maybe some rest would help.”
He was certain there was no way he could fall asleep, the second he was parted from Karl he knew the thought would slowly overcast in his head and scream until he couldn’t think anymore.
“I don’t— I…” He tried to stop himself, but the words came out before he could, “I don’t wanna be alone.”
Sapnap missed the way Karl’s face had lit up with hope, the older jumping on the opportunity.
“Come to my room?” He offered shyly, “If you don’t want to that’s okay! I just thought…” Karl was quickly trying to cover up his eagerness. He’d never admit he was just as desperate for some company.
“Okay,” Sapnap muttered, his brain was still trying to catch up to him while Karl pulled them to their feet and led them back across the hall. His bedroom was dark and his duvet was thrown with little care to the end of the bed, his earlier panic to check on his friend left him careless. Karl crawled back into his bed casually and patted the spot next to him, Sapnap just watched with wide-eyed, “You want me to… Is that okay?” Karl nodded, once again patting the spot to make his point.
Sapnap hesitantly sat down on the edge, laying down the farthest possible from the other to give him space and leave room for him to change his mind, but Karl was having none of it. He reached a hand out for Sapnap and nudged him forward, the younger complying and scooting in closer.
Karl met him halfway until Sapnap’s face was pressed into Karl’s sternum, and his head was tucked gently under Karl’s chin. Steady hands started to cars through his hair, distracting him from the headache he achieved and allowing him to finally relax some more.
Sapnap didn’t mean to fall asleep there, he only expected some company for a few minutes until Karl demanded he was tired and that Sapnap needed to return to his own bed, but it never came. Karl had only stayed awake to ensure the shorter was okay, and as soon as his breathing evened out, Karl let himself fall asleep too to the gentle snores that left Sapnap. But not without murmuring a small, “Goodnight, Nick,” into the dark of the bedroom.
They could talk about it later.