Chapter Text
Deruth knew he was wrong. In so many ways, he made mistake after mistake. He could say he tried but did he really?
Cale was just two when his mother died. He was so young but Deruth had forgotten. He had forgotten that Cale was a child because when Cale hugged him and comforted him, Cale seemed so strong like a pillar for him to lean on.
And he hates himself for that.
He hates how he chose to follow his vassals words and find a new wife. How he decided on his own that Cale needed a new mother. How he drowned in his grief and found comfort in another. How he left his sweet small child alone in a big and cold mansion. How he-
How he failed.
He hates how he failed to be a father.
Because now, Cale rarely talked to him. He would speak when Deruth asks him questions but when around his new family, he never spoke up.
Deruth also knew how cowardly he had been. It took seeing his son treat Ron more like a father than him to set that fact straight in him.
He watched silently from behind the door as Cale excitedly talked about his day to Ron who brushed his hair.
Cale talked.
He babbled on just like any child his age. He talked about how excited he was to learn more on the violin. Deruth stayed by the door to hear about what Cale aspires to be. He smiled before carefully closing the door and sitting against it to listen.
(After the event of Cale's sickness where he had screamed his lungs out, Deruth requested for a change in the doors.)
Deruth wished to be there. To hear Cale complain about the too bitter tea Beacrox gave. To hear how Cale wished to reach the stars. To hear how Cale missed him so. To know what Cale pondered about in that brain of his.
To simply hear Cale's voice.
Deruth is vaguely aware of the tears that rolled down his cheek. 'Cale's hair is long now, it reaches his shoulders' Deruth idly thought with a smile. He wiped at his tears as he leant back on the big door before softly laughing at himself. How ironic is it that the one who had pushed his son away was the one longing for his child?
Every time Deruth looks at Cale, all he sees is his wife - former wife.
And he flees like the coward he is.
He runs away, he avoids seeing him because all he sees is her. It hurts to see his child who was just as pale with hair just as fiery. And he knows it's wrong, it wasn't Cale's fault. It could never be his fault, but Deruth still flees. He can't stop himself.
Because all he feels is an overwhelming feeling of love and longing.
And it hurts.
He still hurt. The grief could not be washed away just by having a new form of happiness. The grief would stay, it would haunt both father and son.
Because before there was Violan and Basen, there were the three Henituse.
Before they were four, there were three then two.
Even as time passes, the two left behind would never forget that once, there were the three Henituse.
Two with hair that burns so bright like an unyielding fire and one that kindles the flame they bring and urge them to burn brighter.
Two shone like the sun above and the other soothes over the brightness like the shade of trees.
Before they were four, there were three then two.
Deruth isn't perfect. He knows his fault (finally). Yet, he can't help but think it was not enough.
His efforts were still not enough.
But he'd try.
He would.
For Cale.
For his beloved son.
He wasn't blind. He knew there was a form of trauma in Cale but he didn't really know what to do. So time and time again he would bring Violan, Basen, and Cale closer together in the family room.
But it wasn't enough, because even after an incident, Cale still refused to speak.
-Cale refused to speak to him even when his dear child was in pain and he had once again turned to Ron for comfort-
As he and Violan were talking, Cale held Basen and played with him. Suddenly, Cale approached them and handed Basen back to Violan without a word. Confused, Deruth watched as Cale walked over to Ron who stood by the door.
"Basen!" A sudden shout of alarm tore Deruth's gaze away. Turning, he saw Violan frantically checking Basen's mouth and face. A small bit of blood was smeared across the baby's cheek. Deruth quickly brought out a handkerchief as they wiped at the blood and asked the maid to bring a basin of water. Seeing that there were no injuries, the couple was confused.
At that same time, Cale walked over to Ron. Once his back was turned to his new family, he grimaced and cradled his hand. He tugged on the right sleeve of Ron's uniform and showed his bleeding hand. "Basen is still a baby, he can't control his strength yet," Cale muttered softly for only Ron to hear. "Oh dear," Ron sighed taking out a clean handkerchief and a healing ointment, "Young master, it's alright to speak up if you're hurt." Cale mutely shook his head, "Can't." Ron nodded in understanding and sat Cale on a nearby chair as he used the handkerchief to wipe at the excess blood before applying the ointment.
A whimper brought the couple's attention from Basen to the chair by the corner. They looked over to see Cale's hand getting treated. Worriedly, the two approached Cale. "Cale, are you alright?" Deruth asked frantically. He knelt in front of Cale as Violan remained standing with Basen in her arms, both looking anxious.
Cale's throat clammed up. He knew he could answer. He wanted to answer but he can't. He did not know what to do.
be a good boy for the count, okay?
don't make it harder for your father
Cale did not know what being good means. He did not know how to interact with his new family. Ron has been telling him it's alright to feel hurt. But that means not liking the situation. That means disagreeing with his father and making it harder for him. Cale thinks it makes him bad.
Confused and hurt, Cale did not know what to do. Instead, he blinked owlishly before smiling softly.
i'm safe. i'm good.
Deruth furrowed his eyebrows. "What happened?" He asked gently as Ron finished with the ointment. Ron stood up while Cale only stared at Deruth before shaking his head with a smile like he was saying not to worry. "Cale, talk to me," Deruth urged again, "tell me what happened."
Cale panicked, his father sounded sad but if he says it's because of Basen, wouldn't that make it sound like he's blaming an innocent baby?
By his side, Ron observed the situation wondering if he should step in when Cale tugged at his right sleeve.
Ron smiled benignly before speaking, "He's alright, sir. He got bitten by young master Basen on accident. He also said that young master Basen is still a baby that's why he can't control his strength yet." Cale looked up in panic and fearfully clutched the sleeve tighter. He cautiously peeked at the new countess, watching her every emotion. Cale watched as Violan's eyebrows furrowed and a frown appeared.
he was wrong. he made his father's new wife sad.
Guilt flashed across Violan's features as she apologized. "Cale, dear, I'm so sorry," she said as she hesitantly reached out to stroke Cale's cheek.
why is she apologizing? she did nothing wrong.
whywhywhywhyicantunderstandwhywhywhy
Cale blinked and his shoulders tensed. It went unnoticed except by Ron whose sleeve was clutched tighter. Ron gently reached out to clasp at Cale's trembling hands. Cale's breath hitched before he relaxed. Cale merely shook his head as an assurance.
"Cale, won't you talk to me?" Deruth suddenly said as he brought Cale's hand closer to him. Cale stared at Deruth before reaching out his right hand since his left was still holding on to Ron's right sleeve. He gave his father a small pat on the head before pushing up the left cheek of Deruth to a smile. Deruth softened at that, the creases in his brows disappeared and a smile appeared instead.
please smile, papa
Cale withdrew his hand then nodded curtly. He got off the chair before pointedly looking at the clock. "I'm afraid we have to cut this bonding time short. It's currently 3 pm and the young master still has violin lessons." Ron informed them.
Deruth watched as Cale wordlessly gave them a bow. He felt Violan place an assuring hand on his shoulder.
He just wanted Cale to talk to him again.
Fresh tears sprung from his eyes as he collapsed on the floor.
He wanted to scream. He wanted to run to Cale. He wanted to be who Cale turns to.
But it was his fault that Cale had grown so distant.
Cale, I'm so sorry for all my faults. Papa will do better. I promise.