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He took one shaky breath after another. Wilbur had compared him to a wild animal, once. Cornered, snarling at strangers out of fear. He wasn’t too far off.
Technoblade was seventeen. He had turned seventeen a few months ago, it felt like too harsh of an age for him already. One and seven- they were spiky numbers. One felt like chalk, white and scratchy, seven felt like the blood dripping from his razor blade.
His head was swimming. His skull felt too light, his eyelids fluttered open and closed with his breaths, his brows stayed furrowed and tears slipped down his cheeks. He knew he had fucked up. It had been what, forty hours since he’d slept? He should have known his hands would be too shaky to get the job done right.
Techno choked on a sob that ripped out of his chest. His heart was a black hole, it had to be. He could feel it trying to make his ribs collapse, he could feel it twist his guts, feel it pull at the lump in his throat and accentuate the ache in his bones.
He was too young to be this tired. He was too young to hate himself this much. He was too young to be sitting on the bathroom tiles, blood pooling in the grout, sobbing as quietly as he could so he wouldn’t alert his father. Wilbur was off at college and Tommy was at Tubbo’s, of course.
“F-Fuckin’ idiot,” he whispered to himself, sniffling and wiping his nose. “F-Fuckin’ stupid p-piece a shit, can’t e-even fuckin’ h-hurt yourself right,” he sobbed. The bleeding was excessive, really. Too dramatic if you asked him. He pressed toilet paper to the wound to try to stop the bleeding. He felt a rush to his head, and his vision started to spot. “Fuck,” he cursed again, his voice cracking on tears.
Techno pressed his fist to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, pushing back a cry. He was fine. He was a pathetic, worthless, inhuman piece of shit, but he was fine. He was not going to make Phil worry again. He was better now- or at least, he was supposed to be better now. He looked down at the cut- Christ, it had already soaked through the wad of toilet paper. He choked back another sob. He was fine. He took a shaky breath and leaned forward, getting the medical kit from under the sink. His head spun like a dreidel and he let out a whimper that only made him cringe at his own weakness. He took a deep breath, but the spots in his vision didn’t fade.
“Fuck.”
It was actually too bad. He had actually fucked up badly enough that he couldn’t take care of it himself. Christ, he really couldn’t do a single fucking thing right, could he? He felt a sob force its way out of his throat, a desperate, cracked sound of misery.
“Dad?” He called, his voice weak but loud, hoping Phil would hear him.
“Daaad?!” He called again, voice cracking.
“Techno? What’s going on?” His father’s voice came with footsteps down the hall.
Techno forced back the lump in his throat.
“I-I need help. I really messed up.”
“What? What happened, what did you do? Can I come in?” Phil’s voice rang with fear, his hand trying the doorknob. It was locked, of course it was. Techno winced and scooted over to the door to unlock it.
“Yeah, come in, please,” he said, his words hardly above a whisper.
Phil’s face went white when he entered the room. “Oh, Christ, Techno,” he was on his knees in a second, putting pressure on the cut and getting it clean. Techno let out something between a whimper and a sob at the burn of the alcohol pad.
“It’s okay, bunny, you’re okay. I’ve gotten the bleeding to stop. You’re gonna be okay.” Phil’s words were soft, worn thin like old leather. Techno felt another sob bubble out of him, which only opened the floodgates. Phil bandaged his wound, put little bandaids on all the smaller ones. He sat on the tile beside his son and pulled him close, gently shushing him and stroking his hair. Techno cried hard and loud, letting all the anguish he held inside him show. He opened his ribs to his father, let him see the painful mass of gravity that had engulfed his heart. Phil held him close all the while. Even when Techno screamed in pain, making his eardrums ache, Phil didn’t let go.
“Come on, bunny. Let’s go downstairs and get some hot chocolate, okay?” Phil whispered, thumbing Techno’s tears off his cheeks.
Techno nodded, sniffling and pushing back a sob. He pulled his sweats over the cuts, one hand on Phil’s shoulder to steady himself.
“I-I’m just so tired. It’s all just t-too much all the time,” Techno said, sniffling and sipping his hot chocolate. Phil kept an arm around him, gentle and warm.
“It’s s-so fuckin’ hard to keep goin’, dad.” Techno cried.
“I know. I know, Tech.” Phil sighed, letting his son rest his head on his chest.
“You know you can always come to me when it gets too hard, right? No matter what I’m doing, you’ll always come first.”
Techno nodded, clumsily wiping his eyes with the base of his palm.
“It does get easier, okay? We’ll talk to your psychiatrist and get you on a higher dosage. And you know we’re all here for you. Me, Tommy, Wil… I’m sure Dream and Skeppy miss you too, don’t they?”
Techno nodded.
“Have you spoken to them recently?”
Techno shook his head.
“Why don’t you try setting up a date to hang out with them? I’m sure they’d love to see you.”
Techno swallowed the lump in his throat. “Skeppy only likes hangin’ out with Bad nowadays. An’ Dream only likes hangin’ out with George and Sapnap.”
Phil’s lips pulled into a tight frown.
“I’m sure they miss you, Tech.”
“I don’t think so.”
Phil sighed and pulled his son closer. “Well, I miss you. You’ve been shut off in your room for weeks. If I’d known you were having this hard of a time I would’ve suggested you take a break.”
“From what?”
“Life. School and whatever. We can take a little vacation, just us. What would you think of that?”
“I… I guess that sounds nice. Where would we go?”
“We haven’t been up to the redwoods in a while, have we? Why don’t we take a few days off from school and work and go up there?”
Techno felt a smile tug at his lips, much against the will of the lump in his throat and the pit in his heart.
“What about Tommy?”
“I’m sure Tubbo’s family would love to have him for a few days. I’ll send him with money so they don’t spend too much on feeding him.”
Techno let himself smile and wiped at the budding tears in his eyes. “Could we do that? Go up to the redwoods and stay for a few days?”
“Of course, bunny. We both need a break.” Phil looked down, meeting his eyes.
His son smiled wider, then let out a sob. “Th-Thank you, dad. I really love you.”
“I love you too, Techno. More than anything. You’re my heart.”