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One month. He's been dating Eddie for one month, and things have been going great. Too great, maybe. At least that's what his mind tries to tell him as he stands in the hallway of Eddie's house.
The lights are dim. A few battery-operated candles are scattered around the house. It casts a nice, romantic glow to the place. And Buck, well, Buck’s mind decides now is the perfect time to turn against him. Not because he doesn't want this. But because he does. He wants it so badly. It's just too bad he doesn't deserve it.
Eddie smiles and takes his hand, and starts to lead them further into the house. And Buck, Buck stands frozen in the doorway. His feet planted firmly to the spot. Eddie turns to face him with a frown.
"Buck?"
"I umm…" Buck pulls his hand from Eddie's and backs towards the door. "I'm sorry, but I just realized…"
Realized what? That Eddie's everything he doesn’t deserve? That Buck thought for a crazy few weeks, he could be enough for him, but it's hitting him suddenly that he's not? He can't force those words out. So he chooses to flee instead.
"I need to go."
"Buck."
He turns away and bows his head. "I'm sorry, Eddie."
"Please don't walk out that door," Eddie says. "Please, just stay and talk to me."
"I can't," Buck says. His hand is on the nob when he feels Eddie's hand on his shoulder. He gently tugs until Buck turns to face him. He can't meet Eddie's eyes as he says, "I can't do this."
"Can't do what?" Eddie asks. "I'm a little confused right now."
"Us," Buck says. He hates the word as soon as it leaves his lips. Hates the way Eddie’s hand drops from his shoulder, and his face pinches. Hates that right now, he's probably trying to think of what he did wrong because that's what Eddie does.
“I thought things were going great,” Eddie says finally.
"They were."
"Then what is it?" Eddie asks. "Why are you running from this?"
And that's a hard question to answer. He wants to stay, to let himself be happy with Eddie. But there's a part of his mind that doesn't believe he deserves it. That he's not good enough.
"Because you deserve better than me," Buck whispers.
Eddie frowns. "What are you talking about?"
"I… I'm a mess, Eddie," Buck says. "I'm not good enough."
And there it is. Buck's biggest fear out in the open. It’s better this way. Better for Buck to say it now than for Eddie to wake up one day and realize it for himself. This will save them both that heartache. Not that Buck's heart isn't breaking right now anyway.
Eddie takes Buck's face in his hands and ducks his head to meet Buck's gaze. "That's not true."
"But…"
"No," Eddie cuts in. "I know what your head is telling you, but it's wrong. You are enough, Buck. You've always been enough. For me, and for Christopher. You're our family, and we love you."
Buck chokes back a sob at Eddie’s words. He'd long ago accepted that Eddie didn't love him, might never love him. Even when they started dating, Buck was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. To hear the words from Eddie’s lips is almost too much.
"You…"
"I love you," Eddie murmurs, using his thumbs to brush away Buck's tears from his cheeks. "You’ve shown me what love can feel like. What real love is. And I only hope I can do the same for you. Because I will never stop reminding you how loved you are, Buck."
He kisses Buck's lips softy, almost hesitantly, as if he's waiting for Buck to push him away. Buck doesn't. Instead, he clings to Eddie and pulls him closer. He pours all the love he feels for Eddie into the kiss and just hopes he can feel it.
"I love you," Buck whispers against his lips. "So much."
"Then stay," Eddie says.
Buck nods, and this time when Eddie takes his hand and leads him back towards his room, Buck lets him. His doubts might not be gone entirely, but he knows he's not in this fight alone. He never will be with Eddie by his side.