Archive of Our Own

        Sometimes, Daichi wondered what was out there among the stars. He didn’t look up at the sky very often and he couldn’t remember the last time he did so in the dead of night like this. From his place on the edge of the rooftop, it almost felt like it was everything he could see. That thought brought him some comfort. If the last thing he saw were the stars shining above him, it wouldn’t be that bad, really.

        A singular snowflake snapped Daichi out of his thoughts. He looked down at his hand where the little flake had already melted and begun to roll down his finger. He held his hand over the street, following the droplet’s path down and off his finger, down to the street below. He leaned into it, teetering over the edge just a little bit.

        Though, that was the point of him sitting here, wasn’t it? To finally push himself over. It’d been a constant thought in the back of his mind for years now. He’d been on a steady path toward this moment since the day he graduated. He took a heavy breath, gaze fixed on the empty street and the way the streetlights reflected off the fresh snow. That snow was going to get all messy and dirty because of him, but that was just another consequence of his existence. 

        It was time. He was ready. Daichi finally stood up slowly, each movement felt as if it ached deep in his soul. It was time. He was ready. But if he was so ready, why did he have to repeat that mantra in his head several times over before he could move? The question crossed his mind, but he didn’t have the energy to dwell on it. Almost there .

        “Pretty cold to be out here without a jacket.” 

        The words came from behind him, startling Daichi out of his frozen state. He looked over his shoulder, expecting to find some old custodian, but was instead met with a young man as bundled up as he could possibly be.

        “No one usually comes up here,” Daichi said, head swimming. For everything, he hadn’t accounted for anyone coming up to the roof. In all his years living in this building, routinely coming up the roof only to back off the edge at the last moment, no one had ever been up here with him.

        The man chuckled, approaching Daichi and leaning against the cement ridge. “I guess I missed that memo,” he said. As he spoke, he removed his scarf, holding it up to Daichi. “Don’t want to catch a cold.”

        “That wasn’t really one of my worries,” Daichi mumbled. Still, he took the scarf, wrapping it around his neck. His arms remained bare, but the scarf offered some comfort, warm and smelling oddly sweet.

        The man turned, his back now against the ridge. He rested his weight on his elbows, head falling back to look up at Daichi. “What were they then?”

        The question surprised Daichi. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had stopped and asked him anything in the way of how he was doing. That was part of how he’d managed to get this far down this particular path, after all. “It’s a bit obvious, don’t you think?” he said, pulling his gaze away from the man.

        “I guess that’s obvious, but whatever’s going on up there isn’t,” he said, pointing at Daichi’s head.

        That’s enough to draw a half-hearted laugh from Daichi. The way the man began to beam at the response made Daichi’s stomach flutter. Hesitantly, Daichi sat again, legs still hanging over the edge. “I’m exhausted.” It was the most he can admit and it was more than even his friends got. It’s not just the exhaustion though, it’s the aimlessness and the emptiness. There has been something missing for a long time now and for every day he didn’t find it, it weighed him down a tiny bit more. 

        “Yeah?” the man said. When Daichi didn’t offer up anything more, he continued. “I think I know just the remedy. A little warm milk, a cozy bed, and a good rest should fix you right up.” They both knew that’s not the kind of exhaustion Daichi is talking about, but it helped a little to pretend. “Come on, get down from there then.” The man backed away, waiting.

        Daichi didn’t say anything, but he complied, bare feet landing in snow that hadn’t been there when he’d climbed up hours before. He trudged after the man, following him inside and down a couple flights of stairs, then into his apartment. It was a nice apartment, filled to the brim with personality. The walls were covered in posters and art and photos and most surfaces cluttered with belongings. Daichi looked around curiously while the man was busy in the kitchen. His furniture was mismatched and appeared well-used, the living room a little bit messy as well. Finally, Daichi wandered into the kitchen. There were a few dishes in the sink and his counters were clean but just as messy as the rest of the apartment. The fridge was covered top to bottom in children’s art, that was what caught his eye.

        “Do you have children?” Daichi asked when the man turned to him, holding out a teacup with milk in it.

        “Oh, no,” he said with a laugh. “All of that is my students’ works.” A closer inspection showed several of the drawings have labelled one figure as “Mr. Suga”. “I teach kindergarten. Probably the best decision I ever made.”

        Daichi nodded. “Looks like your students would agree with you.”

── ✦ ──

        His senses came to him slowly. First, the sunlight beaming down on him, the culprit of his abrupt awakening. Next came the feeling of unfamiliar soft sheets wrapped around him, followed by a warm cinnamon-like smell. Finally, he opened his eyes, shocked to be looking at a wall cluttered with art, rather than the rather blank, grey walls of his own room.

        Panic already setting in, Daichi searched for his phone, hands flying across the bed, then the nightstand, and finally the surrounding floor. It wasn’t here. Why would he be here without his phone?

        The bedroom door opened, only furthering Daichi’s panic. His eyes landed on the intruder’s face, a gentle look framed by messy silvery hair. The man from last night, Mr. Suga. Almost instantly, Daichi calmed, sighing as he leaned against the bed frame from his place on the floor.

        “What are you doing down there?” Mr. Suga asked with a laugh, moving around the room. He didn’t seem to mind Daichi’s presence in the slightest. 

        “I was looking for my phone,” Daichi muttered, feeling a little embarrassed. “I must have left it in my apartment last night.” He knew he did. He’d left it on the table by his front door. He was sure there were at least a few missed messages from Kiyoko by now as well.

        “You going to go get it?” Mr. Suga pulled clothes from his closet as he spoke. Daichi was sure he must be getting in his way, intruding on his morning routine. It was a Thursday, after all. Mr. Suga must have work today.

        “Yeah, I should get going.” I’ve already been here too long, been too much for this stranger.

        “Just like that?”

        There was a pause before anyone moved or spoke. “What do you mean?” Daichi asked quietly.

        “I never got your name or...anything, really.” There was something in his tone, but Daichi can’t place it. All he knew was that it made his stomach flutter, just like the night before. 

        “Oh, right. Sawamura Daichi,” he replied, a little surprised he skipped over that part when they met.

        “Sugawara Koushi,” Mr. Suga responded. “Hold on.” He turned away, leaning down over his desk. There was a rip of paper and a pen scribbling before he faced Daichi once again. “My number, text me sometime.”

        Daichi hoped Sugawara didn’t notice the way his hand shook a little as he took the paper, barely muttering out a “Thanks, I will,” before he all but ran away. In the sanctuary of his own home, Daichi immediately made for his phone, dialling his most recent contact.

        Rather than being met with a familiar steady cadence, a creaky, overly excited voice comes through his phone speaker. “Yo! Daichi! What’s up, dude? You’re calling early!” 

        “Where’s Kiyoko?”

        “Aw, no love for me,” came the whine. “She’s in the shower. Whatcha calling her for?”

        Daichi sighed. Did he really want to tell Tanaka about this? He knew that Kiyoko would either way, but Tanaka would make a massive deal about Sugawara. He was always so much more excitable than his counterpart. “It’s nothing. I’ll call back later. I’ve got to get to work.” He’d figure out what to do about the man later.

        His workday went by quicker than usual, at least it felt that way. Maybe it was because he’d been lost in thought most of the day or maybe it was because he hadn’t expected to be returning to work today. Either way, 9 PM snuck up on him and before he knew it, he was unlocking his apartment door. Without much more thought, he found himself lying across his bed, tired to the bone but unable to sleep.

        Trying his best not to think about it, Daichi grabbed the little slip of paper from this morning, typing the number into his phone. He saved the number in his contacts, but the anxieties had caught up with them at that point and his finger remained frozen just above the little message button.

        Instead, he clicked out of the contact, texting Kiyoko. Twenty minutes later, his phone buzzed beside him.

                (New message received January 6 at 10:06 PM)

                Kiyoko: Hello.

                Daichi: Is Tanaka around?

                Kiyoko: He fell asleep during the movie. I think he’s going to be out for a couple of hours at least.

                Kiyoko: Is everything okay?

                Daichi: Mostly. My neighbour gave me his number. I don’t know what to do.

                Kiyoko: Why don’t you just text him? You don’t usually get nervous over new people.

                Kiyoko: Wait...is this a crush thing?

                Daichi: No. I’ll text him. 

                Daichi: And don’t go telling Tanaka that you think I have a crush.

                Kiyoko: I won’t! Good luck.

        It wasn’t that Kiyoko wasn’t helpful. It was more that Daichi still didn’t know how to start a conversation with Sugawara. Just saying hello didn’t feel like enough. The man had all but saved his life, after all. Yet, he didn’t want to acknowledge that either. Sugawara had been kind enough to pretend that wasn’t what he’d walked in on. A tiny part of Daichi thought maybe the only reason Sugawara had even given him his number was out of pity or fear he’d go on and try again tonight. Maybe this could be a problem for another day.

── ✦ ──

        Three days later, it became his problem again. Walking up to the apartment building, someone called out his name. When Daichi turned, he saw Sugawara running up to him. He paused, still holding the door open, unsure what to do.

        “You lose my number or something?” Sugawara asked with a laugh, still catching his breath a little as he walked into the building.

        Daichi followed. “I, um, actually meant to text you. I just wasn’t sure what to say.”

        This brought a hearty laugh from Sugawara. “Hello would have been just fine, you know. I was worried you were ghosting me.”

        “No, no, that’s not it at all,” Daichi rushed. He’d been so stupid. Of course that’s what it would have looked like. “I just thought a hi was lame.”

        “Well, how about you text me a hi now and I’ll start the conversation with something cooler later.”

        “Alright then.” Daichi dug his phone from his jacket pocket and finally clicked the message button on the contacts, sending the little hi message.

        Inside Sugawara’s pocket somewhere, his phone buzzed. “So you actually saved my number, but didn’t send a message?” Daichi nodded and Sugawara continued. “What’s my contact name then?”

        Daichi suddenly felt embarrassed, shying away. “Does it matter?”

        The look on Sugawara’s face said it did. “Let’s make a deal. I’ll let you get a contact photo right now if you tell me what it is.”

        It wasn’t much of a deal. Still, it tempted Daichi enough to accept, muttering, “Okay, fine. Pose then.”

        He looked through his camera at Sugawara, who was posing with a big grin on his face, both hands making a flat surface for his chin to rest on. His cheeks were pink, likely from the cold they’d just come in from. Massive yellow earmuffs sat atop his head, fluffy silver hair covering up most of the band. He looked straight out of a shojo manga.

        As Daichi set the contact photo, Sugawara moved closer, looking over his shoulder at his phone screen. From here, he got a clear view of the contact name as the photo was saved. Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara) . 

        “Knight in shining armour, huh? Is that really what you think of me?” he teased. “I am so honoured. I guess I’ll have to save you as the damsel in distress, right?” Sugawara left his phone in his hand now. “Smile for the camera,” he said. Daichi flashed him a little smile, which Sugawara immediately set as his contact photo. He turned the screen to show Daichi the matching contact name. “Isn’t that cute?”

        “Yeah, sure is.”

        Sugawara gave him another sweet smile. “I’ll text you later, damsel ,” he said, leaving Daichi alone in the lobby.

        Thirty minutes later, Daichi’s phone went off.

                (New message received January 9 at 5:13 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): fun fact of the day: not everyone stops getting homework after they graduate!! here is your proof: (1 Attachment)

        The attachment pictured Sugawara practically laying across a table, a massive pout on his lips, surrounded what appeared to be schoolwork, likely his students’ work. The photo got a chuckle out of Daichi as he saved it to his camera roll.

                Daichi: What an interesting fact. Probably still better than the homework you had in high school.

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): couldn’t be any worse than physics :(

        The two went back and forth as Daichi finished his dinner and prepared for his shift tomorrow. His phone pinged almost continuously, even as he lay in bed, eyelids growing heavy.

── ✦ ──

        Weeks passed by quicker than Daichi could process, but it seemed every moment Sugawara wasn’t working, he was blowing up Daichi’s phone no matter what time it was. Every day, he would send him another “fun fact”. Daichi grew accustomed to it. Sugawara had wormed his way into Daichi’s daily life so quickly, his head spun if he tried to think about how he’d managed it.

                (New message received February 17 at 4:44 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): what time are you off today damsel?

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): also, purely hypothetical, but if someone wanted to break into your apartment...where do u live and what’s the best way to do that?

                Daichi: I’ll be off around 8. 4C and there’s a spare key in the tree pot at the end of the hall.

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): you’ve been my upstairs neighbour this whole time and you didn’t tell me???

                Daichi: I didn’t think it mattered. You already knew we live in the same building.

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): that hurts ngl. i will definitely not be breaking into your apartment now ;)

        Three hours later, Daichi was greeted with loud music filling an apartment that smelled heavenly. His moment of bliss was quickly ruined when he saw the state of his kitchen. Cupboards and drawers remained open, dishes piled in the sink, both the counters and stovetop were covered in an assortment of spilled foods. In the middle of the chaos was Sugawara. He wore an apron that was just as messy as the surfaces around him and danced between each separate dish he was working on, singing into whichever utensil he held. Daichi leaned against the doorway, a small smile playing on his lips as he watched.

        In the middle of a particularly big spin, Sugawara finally spotted Daichi. He broke out in a grin, continuing to dance over to him as he sang, “Ooh, love, ooh, lover boy. What're you doin' tonight, ooo, hey, boy?”

        He held the spatula out to Daichi, continuing to dance in front of him. “Set my alarm, turn on my charm,” Daichi sang back, being pulled into the kitchen as he did. “That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy.” He took the spatula from Sugawara, dropping it on the nearest counter and grabbing Sugawara’s hand, spinning him around as he hummed along to the music.

        The two continued like that, taking turns spinning the other and dancing around each other, singing the lyrics they knew and laughing between the words until the song changed. Without missing a beat, Sugawara waltzed over to the stovetop to check on the food again. Daichi took the time to close most of the drawers and cupboards, leaning back against the counter behind Sugawara.

        “What is it you’re making, exactly?” he asked.

        “You’ll see.” There’s a teasing lilt to Sugawara’s voice.

        “Alright then. I’ll leave you to it, I’m going to get out of my work clothes.”

        With that, Daichi left Sugawara alone in the kitchen again, retreating into his room. He took his time changing out of his work clothes into comfortable home clothes. Before going back to Sugawara, he stopped in the bathroom, washing both his hands and face. He took a moment, looking at himself leaned over the sink. 

        “What are you doing?” he whispered to himself. At least, it looked like him, but there was something different. He couldn’t pinpoint what was different in his reflection exactly, but the exhaustion he was used to seeing at the end of a long day wasn’t there. He sighed heavily, shaking his head a little. He pushed himself back off the sink, returning to the kitchen.

        In the time he’d been gone, Sugawara had cleaned up pretty well. Dishes still lay piled in the sink, but the counters were wiped clean and each dish was set on the counter, two bowls placed to the right, ready to be dished up.

        “Everything’s all ready,” Sugawara announced when he saw Daichi, throwing out the paper towel he’d been using to wipe around the stovetop.

        “It looks incredible.”

        “Yeah, I’m a pretty good cook,” he said it so casually, as if it were nothing. Daichi wondered for a moment what it might be like to compliment himself aloud without any hesitation.

        “I hope you don’t mind, but we’ll have to eat on the couch,” Daichi said, feeling a little sheepish. Since moving in, Daichi had never set up a proper kitchen area. Most of the time, he ate alone and sat in the living area, using the TV for company. Kiyoko and Tanaka rarely came over for meals, so he had no need for a proper table...until now.

        “Cozy, I like it,” Sugawara responded, already dishing up.

        He was so casual about it, any embarrassment Daichi had felt disappeared immediately as he followed suit in dishing up and leading Sugawara into his living area. Wordlessly, Daichi clicked on the TV, playing the episode of Criminal Minds that he’d left off on the night before. Sugawara didn’t seem to mind, intently watching the screen as he ate.

        “Do you watch these sorts of shows often?” Daichi asked from the kitchen as he’s washing dishes. Seeing as Sugawara had cooked, it only felt fair that Daichi cleaned up.

        “No, it’s not usually my thing,” Sugawara told him, eyes still glued to the screen. 

        Daichi found it almost endearing, watching Sugawara curled up on his couch, wrapped up in one of his blankets. He’d have to talk to Kiyoko about this later. “What do you normally like?”

        Sugawara finally looks over at the other man, a hint of pink dusting his face. “Cartoons and silly sitcoms.”

        It did make sense, truth be told. Being around kids all the time, it would be unfortunate if he didn’t at least somewhat enjoy things like cartoons. “You’ll have to show me your favourites sometime, just to call it even.”

        Sugawara flashed him a bright grin. “It’s a date.” And with that, he turned back to the TV, leaving Daichi fumbling not to drop the dish he’d been holding. Yes, he’d certainly have to talk to Kiyoko about this...sooner rather than later. Sugawara pulled him from his thoughts, continuing, “You almost done in there? You’re missing the really good part! They think they found the killer.”

── ✦ ──

        “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Daichi grumbled, face buried in the cushion of Kiyoko’s couch.

        “I’m confused...what’s his problem?” Tanaka asked, his question directed at Kiyoko.

        The woman sighed loudly. “There isn’t a real problem. He’s just overthinking this,” she told Tanaka before turning her attention to Daichi. “Do I have to spell it out for you now?”

        “No.” He pushed himself to sit up properly, looking over at his friend. “I know I just have to tell him it’s not a real date.”

        “Why would you do that?!” Tanaka objected, turning to Kiyoko and making pleading eyes at her.

        “Don’t look at me like that. If he doesn’t want to get involved with Sugawara, that’s his choice.”

        “But-”

        “No. He’s not you, Ryuu.” Their argument stopped there and Kiyoko’s attention was turned back to Daichi. “Just talk to him, it’s really not as complicated as you’re making it out to be.”

        She was right, Daichi knew that. It was simple: he either wanted this to be a date or he didn’t. The real problem in this scenario wasn’t its complexity, but Daichi’s indecision. Before Sugawara came into his life, Daichi could honestly say he couldn’t see himself with someone in the future and he was okay with that. Though perhaps a good chunk of that was his inability to imagine any future beyond a year or two. But now...he wasn’t so sure about that vision anymore. He still couldn’t see a future for himself, but at the same time, he wasn’t so sure it would all come to an end as soon as he’d previously thought.

        “Okay. I will.”

        “Great. Are you planning on crashing our date night or?”

        Right. He’d already been here for hours and they’d had plans for 6 PM. “No, I’ll go home. You two enjoy yourselves.”

        “Thanks, man! Good luck with Sugawara, too!” Tanaka slapped him on the shoulder, partly out of encouragement, but also partly to try and usher Daichi out of their home just a little quicker.

        “I’m going, I’m going,” Daichi muttered, letting Tanaka continue to push him towards the door. Tanaka went so far as to cheer before he closed the door after Daichi, though it hardly bothered the man. It was just like Tanaka to take any time with his girlfriend so enthusiastically and seriously.

        As Daichi made his way to the nearest train station, his mind wandered back to Sugawara. It seemed the man consumed most of Daichi’s thoughts these days. It was surprisingly nice. Today, his mind took a darker turn, suddenly questioning what might have happened if Sugawara hadn’t been on the roof that day. Trying to distract himself, Daichi dug out his phone.

                Daichi: Are you home?

                (Message sent to Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara) February 20 at 6:57 PM)

        A few minutes passed, and Daichi’s phone pinged with a new message.

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): yeah!! what’s up?

                Daichi: Would you like to hang out in about 20 minutes. I’m on the train home now.

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): yup!! mine or yours?

                Daichi: Yours?

                Knight in Shining Armour (Koushi Sugawara): alright!! see ya soon, damsel!! :)

        Arriving at the apartment building complex, Daichi went up one more flight of stairs than normal, bringing him to Sugawara’s place. He only knocked once before the door swung open and he was greeted with an all too familiar face.

        “Perfect timing!” Sugawara said, walking deeper into his apartment. “What’re we doing tonight?”

        Daichi shrugged off his jacket and shoes. “I don’t know. I just wanted to hang out.” He followed Sugawara into the kitchen. If he’d thought the mess in his kitchen days before was bad, it was nothing compared to the mess Sugawara had made in his own kitchen. Almost every cupboard was open and pots and pans and bowls were strewn across one counter, three cutting boards with several knives and little piles of vegetable waste spread out across another. 

        “Just let me clean up and we can watch a movie, how about that?” Sugawara started washing the dishes in his sink.

        “Okay.” 

        Without another word, Daichi began to help as well. He stacked dishes beside the sink for Sugawara to wash and gathered the food waste on the counter, disposing of it in the garbage. Along the way, he closed the cupboards he passed. As Sugawara worked through the pile of dishes, Daichi cleaned the counters. With the kitchen looking tidy once again, Daichi grabbed a dish towel and began to dry the clean dishes, stacking them beside him. As Daichi was still drying, Sugawara finished washing and put the dry dishes away, leaving the cupboards open as he went once again. Once everything was put away, it was Daichi who did a round in the kitchen, closing each cupboard once again.

        “What should we watch?” Sugawara called from his room.

        Daichi joined him a moment later, surprised to find Sugawara already curled up in his bed, blankets pulled up to his chin and one hand peeking out just enough to move the touchpad of his laptop.

        “Your choice this time,” Daichi said, shuffling a little awkwardly at the edge of the bed.

        Without any hesitation, Sugawara flung up the blankets, an invitation for Daichi to join him. Daichi took the invitation, maintaining a little space between them as the blankets fell around him.

        “To All The Boys it is then! You’ll love it I’m sure.” With that, Sugawara pulled up the film, hitting play and angling the laptop towards Daichi a bit to give him a better view.

        The movie had hardly begun before Daichi’s eyes started feeling heavy. He was so comfortable that it was hard to fight sleep. Still, he did so, not wanting to fall asleep on Sugawara so early in the evening. He was mostly successful, though that was only thanks to how he began to focus on Sugawara. The man beside him was shifting closer at a pace so slow he might not have noticed if he’d been paying attention to the movie.

        “I’m going to get a drink, want one?” Sugawara said suddenly. Daichi was just thankful that he didn’t look up and catch Daichi staring, instead moving the laptop onto Daichi’s lap.

        “Yeah, I’ll have a glass of water.”

        “You got it.”

        The movie continued to play, though Daichi didn’t have a clue what was happening. He kept his eyes trained on the screen anyway, not wanting them to wander around the room too much. When Sugawara returned, he handed Daichi a glass, sipping from his own. Daichi leaned up on his elbow, taking a drink before reaching over and placing his glass on the crowded nightstand next to Sugawara’s water.

        With Daichi settled down, Sugawara climbed into the bed next to him, curling up closer this time. “Is this okay?” he asked softly, his head leaning on Daichi’s stiff shoulder.

        “Yeah,” Daichi whispered, hyper-aware of every place Sugawara was touching him. The head on his shoulder, the hand on his chest, the other hand brushing his own, the knee brushing the side of his leg that would surely climb to tangle with his own before the movie was over. 

        Because of how close Sugawara was, Daichi was unable to focus on the movie even if he tried, his gaze fixed on the mop of silvery hair that brushed against his jaw with each breath. Sugawara snuggled in a little closer, hand closing into a fist around Daichi’s shirt. Slowly, Daichi moved his hand, placing it over Sugawara’s. He could feel the moment of hesitation when Sugawara froze, but it passed as quickly as it came. Sugawara moved his thumb to overlap with Daichi’s as his grip loosened a little bit.

        Slowly but surely Daichi began to relax, the tension in his stiff body beginning to melt away. It was partly because he was getting more comfortable with the feeling of Sugawara wrapped around him, but it was mostly the fatigue of his long day catching up with him. The plot of the movie was lost on him, so he’d long since stopped paying attention, first opting to look at Sugawara but soon allowing his eyes to close. Sometime before the movie ended, his resting eyes had morphed into falling completely and blissfully asleep.

        He woke up sometime later. The laptop was still gone now and soft music filled the room. Sugawara was still laying with him, their legs now tangled together and hands interlocked. Sugawara was silent and still, breathing slow and steady. He must be asleep , Daichi thought to himself, deciding it would be best not to move. Rather he took a deep breath, soaking in the moment. Before he could think twice about it, he squeezed Sugawara’s hand softly and brushed his thumb back and forth.

        “You’re awake,” Sugawara whispered.

        It startled Daichi and he froze for a moment. “I thought you were asleep.”

        “I don’t sleep much these days. I was just really comfy. I haven’t felt that relaxed in a long time.”

        The admission felt far more intimate than Daichi had expected. “We should do this more often then,” he said, though he could feel the heat of impulsive embarrassment in his face.

        “Really?” Sugawara pulled his hand from Daichi’s, shifting his weight to his elbow so he could lift his head and look at Daichi. His eyes were wide and far too bright for how late it must’ve been.

        Daichi couldn’t say no to that face and so he wouldn’t. “Sure.”

        Sugawara snuggled back into Daichi’s side, this time with Daichi’s against his back. Hesitantly, Daichi wrapped his arm around Sugawara, his hand resting against his hip. Sugawara didn’t seem to mind this, once again gripping onto Daichi’s shirt and wiggling a bit to get more comfortable.

── ✦ ──

        Like with Sugawara’s texts, dinner and cuddles slowly seeped into Daichi’s life. He would get his fun fact text while he was working and then return to either his or Sugawara’s apartment, where the two would cook, eat, and relax until Daichi ultimately fell asleep. It wasn’t every day, but Daichi’s alone time was far and few between. He couldn’t complain, really. He enjoyed Sugawara’s company more than he cared to admit to Kiyoko.

        Tonight was one of the nights where Sugawara was home long before Daichi and had chosen to spend his time at Daichi’s apartment. It was always obvious when Sugawara was there, between the music he liked to play all the time and the mess he made in whatever room he’d set up camp. This time, that room was the living room. He was working on something to do with the school, papers spread all over the floor around him as well as the coffee table he leaned over. Daichi stood where the hallway met the room for a moment, watching Sugawara’s concentration as he worked. Eventually, he turned, reaching for something behind him, and saw Daichi.

        “Hey! How long have you been there?”

        “Not long.” 

        “There’s a plate for you in the oven, go eat.” Sugawara returned to his work. Why he had stayed silent remained unspoken and Daichi was glad Sugawara didn’t ask about it.

        Sure enough, Daichi found a plate of warm food in the oven. He grabbed chopsticks and made his way back to the living room. He settled on the couch behind Sugawara, content to watch the man work while he ate his dinner.

        Eventually, Sugawara finished. He lay spread on the floor, looking over at Daichi. “Come lay with me.”

        “But--” The couch was far comfier than the floor.

        “Come.”

        Daichi let out a resigned sigh and crawled from the couch to lay beside Sugawara, looking at the white ceiling.

        “We should go star-gazing some time.” Sugawara took Daichi’s hand in his own. “Or we could buy those glow-in-the-dark stickers and cover the roof with them!”

        Daichi laughed. “I think those would be better suited in your apartment.”

        “No, no, no,” Sugawara insisted, grabbing Daichi’s hand and shaking their hands. “It has to be your apartment. There’s already enough to look at in my place.”

        “Alright. We can get some then.” His apartment could use a touch of life to it, a touch of Sugawara .

        They were quiet for a moment, content to just lay there, looking at the ceiling. Of course, the silence never lasted, not with Sugawara. “You should stop calling me Sugawara,” he said suddenly, sitting up to look down at Daichi. His face was unusually serious, especially for such an odd subject.

        “What am I supposed to call you then?”

        “Koushi,” Sugawara stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I think we’re close enough that we don’t need formalities anymore.”

        “Okay, Koushi.” The name felt a little foreign in Daichi’s mouth. He’d just have to say it more. “I guess you had better start calling me by my given name as well.”

        Sugawara—no, Koushi grinned at that. “Say less, Daichi .” The emphasis on his name only drove home just how nice it was to hear it coming from Koushi. 

── ✦ ──

        Tanaka’s birthday was always a busy affair. Kiyoko liked to go all out for him. Cake, balloons, fancy presents, surprise party, the whole nine yards. Naturally, Daichi was roped into helping again this year. Kiyoko split the duties with him, sending him to pick up the presents, cake, and helium balloons while she remained at their home, spending the day decorating and fretting over if things would go smoothly.

        Tanaka was out with two of his friends, blissfully unaware of Kiyoko’s plans, as he always was. Mid-afternoon, Daichi finished his errands. Unsurprisingly, almost everyone had arrived before he got back. A couple people helped Daichi haul everything inside, leaving him with the big golden two and zero balloons trailing behind him as he entered the very festive home.

        “Where do you want these?”

        Kiyoko looked up, then glanced around the room. “Put them over there, by the banner. He’ll want to take lots of photos with them.”

        As instructed, Daichi set up the balloons in front of the massive Happy Birthday, Tanaka Ryunosuke banner. 

        Kiyoko’s phone buzzed and she stopped in her tracks. “They’re coming!”

        Not needing any more direction, everyone ducked out of sight from the door, quietly waiting. It almost felt like forever before the door finally opened. A couple more beats passed before everyone jumped out, several out-of-sync shouts of “Surprise!” followed.

        Tanaka was at the door, rushing to kick his shoes off and grinning ear to ear. That wasn’t who Daichi focused on though. No, behind Tanaka stood someone Daichi never would have thought to see today: Koushi. The man didn’t notice Daichi yet. While Tanaka had rushed to greet the guests, Koushi stood next to a short man with a stripe of blonde in the front of his dark hair. This was a friend Daichi had met on several occasions, Tanaka’s high school best friend: Nishinoya Yuu.

        “Daichi!” Tanaka exclaimed, launching himself at Daichi.

        Daichi caught him with ease, used to the man’s rambunctious nature. “Happy birthday!”

        “Thanks! And for all this, too.” He lowered his voice to say, “I know you helped Kiyoko out a bunch with it.”

        “It’s no problem. You deserve it.”

        Tanaka laughed loudly. “I do. Have you met my old high school friends?” he asked suddenly, turning around to wave Nishinoya and Koushi over.

        Daichi nodded. “Yeah. Koushi and I are neighbours, actually.”

        “Kou—” Tanaka stopped, squinting at Daichi suspiciously and then looking back at Koushi, who was approaching with Nishinoya. “He’s the guy!”

        “Quiet down,” Daichi grumbled.

        A hint of redness passed over Tanaka’s features, but didn’t last long. Instead, he mimed zipping his lips. “Secrets safe with me.”

        “What secret?” Nishinoya asked, looking between the two.

        “That he knows Suga already.”

        “So much for secret,” Daichi grumbled, getting a laugh from Koushi.

        “He’s never been great with them,” Koushi teased, giving Tanaka a playful shove.

        “I’m better than Noya!” Tanaka fired back, much to Nishinoya’s dismay. Nishinoya lunged for Tanaka and before long the two were roughhousing around the place.

        “How do you put up with that?” Daichi asked, watching the two men.

        Koushi just laughed. “You get used to it. Or you join in.”

        Daichi turned his gaze on Koushi, a little surprised at that response. “So you’re saying you’re no better than them, then?”

        “Maybe.”

        The party went on without a hitch, just as Kiyoko had planned. Daichi didn’t want to admit it, but he did spend a majority of the party on the couch talking with Koushi. From the looks Kiyoko shot him, he knew he wouldn’t be able to deny it later either. Not that he really minded. As the sun set, people trickled out. Tanaka began to tire out, leaving Kiyoko to send off the last of his guests.

        “You two going home together?” she asked, watching as Daichi and Koushi put on their shoes.

        “We live in the same building,” was Daichi’s answer.

        Kiyoko laughed in response, shaking her head. “Text me when you’re both home safe, Daichi.”

        “Will do.”

        A thirty-minute train ride with Koushi laying his head on Daichi’s shoulder and a five-minute walk with Koushi all but dragging Daichi along found the two separating ways, ready to get to bed.

                Daichi: We’re home.

                (Message sent to Kiyoko March 3 at 11:49 PM)

                Kiyoko: Good.

                Kiyoko: So...what’s going on with you and Suga?

                Daichi: Nothing.

                Kiyoko: Don’t lie to me. I haven’t seen you like that with someone since Kuroo.

                Daichi: We’re friends.

                Kiyoko: No feelings?

                Daichi: No.

        Kiyoko’s little typing bubble popped up, staying up for some time.

                Kiyoko: I believe you.

        Daichi left it at that, but he knew she had more to say. It was clear she thought something more was going on. At the very least, she thought Daichi wanted there to be something more going on. She was wrong. It wasn’t like his relationship with Kuroo Tetsurou in high school. Daichi and Koushi were just friends. It was just a unique kind of friendship, one very different from his with Kiyoko and Tanaka. 

── ✦ ──

        It was a rare occurrence that Daichi would get off at the wrong stop. He’d been living in his apartment for years at this point. His stop was a part of his body’s auto-pilot. Yet, somehow, he found himself standing on the corner a couple stops from his place, right at the road where homes gave way to shops. Since he was here, there was no harm in taking a look around while he waited on the next bus.

        The bell on the shop door jingled when Daichi opened it and he was greeted warmly by an older woman. He returned the greeting before moving down the aisles, eyes looking over the items laid before him. The store seemed to have a little bit of everything. Maybe they have— As the thought crossed his mind, his eyes landed on exactly the thing he wanted. Quickly, he snatched a couple bags and brought them to the shopkeeper. He paid and was quickly on his way.

        His little shopping trip didn’t kill much time, so he was left sitting at the bus stop for twenty minutes before his ride home came. He didn’t mind too much, not with his mind racing of what would happen when he got home. Upon getting to his actual bus stop, Daichi all but ran from the stop to his building, all the way up the stairs to the floor below his apartment and promptly pounding on Koushi’s door.

        Moments later, the door opened and he was greeted with a rather sleepy-looking Koushi. The man’s hair was sticking up in every direction and he wore a large sweater usually reserved for bed. Not only that, but he slouched as if just standing was too much effort.

        “Did I wake you?”

        Koushi shook his head. “No, you never wake me. I was just thinking about napping.”

        “Should I go?” Again, Koushi shook his head in response. Not wanting to make Koushi uncomfortable by dwelling on it, Daichi moved on or rather returned to what he’d come here for to begin with. “I got the stars. Let’s go decorate my place.”

        “The stars?” It seemed like Koushi was all questions today.

        “Yeah.” Daichi dug into the bag, holding up an unopened package of sticky, glow-in-the-dark stars. “Like we talked about.”

        A frown formed on Koushi’s face as he looked from the package to Daichi’s face. “When did we talk about this?”

        Daichi froze. “The other night...do you not remember?” Maybe he hadn’t been serious, maybe it was just a passing comment. Daichi suddenly felt silly for putting so much weight into it.

        “No,” Koushi admitted, sounding just as embarrassed as Daichi felt. He was quick to follow up with a “Let’s go decorate your place.”

        Koushi stepped out of his apartment, already padding down the hall while Daichi remained frozen, wracking his brain for the meaning of what had just happened. Was it unimportant? More importantly, he couldn’t shake the image of Koushi’s sad, confused face from his mind. Was Koushi okay? Finally, he looked up, seeing Koushi already nearing the stairwell. He jogged to catch up with the other man, joining him on the way to his apartment.

        It was oddly silent without Koushi’s usual chitter-chatter or music playing, but Daichi couldn’t bring himself to mind, not even when they sat in silence on Daichi’s bed. The plastic covering crinkled as Daichi pulled them off, laying several sheets of stars on his bed.

        “Where are we putting them?” Koushi asked softly. His gaze was heavy on Daichi, it had been since they sat down.

        “We talked about putting them in my living room, but I thought they’d be better in here,” Daichi explained. “I know you have trouble sleeping, so maybe they’ll be nice to look at when you can’t fall asleep.” 

        The look of surprise across Koushi’s face said it all. It seemed he thought hadn’t Daichi noticed, but how could he not? For as often as they slept together, Daichi wasn’t sure he’d ever caught Koushi actually sleeping. He was always the first to fall asleep and the last to wake.

        A smile crossed Koushi’s face. “I like that.”

        Daichi stood on the bed, a plastic sheet in his hands. One by one and sheet by sheet, he pressed their sticky side against the ceiling until the ceiling was covered in them. He collapsed down on the bed, plastic crunching beneath his weight. Koushi lay beside him, looking up at the ceiling as he had been since Daichi started.

        “What do you think?”

        “I love them,” Koushi said, eyes flicking over to Daichi before returning to gaze up. “It’s perfect.”

── ✦ ──

        While Koushi usually monopolized Daichi’s time, today had been different. Daichi’s shift had been a busy one, he’d hardly had a moment to sit down, let alone check his phone. He didn’t really mind, days like this really drove home why he’d chosen to become an EMT: to help people. When his shift did finally end, Daichi collapsed in the break room. A few of his coworkers poked fun at him, but he had one thought only. He looked at his phone, eyes scanning over the missed messages from Koushi.

                (Message received March 15 at 10:15 AM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: fun fact: two different plaids don’t look good together. (1 Attachment)

        The attachment showed Koushi posing in this bedroom mirror, wearing a pair of green plaid pants and a brown blazer with a drastically different plaid pattern. Both items of clothing looked a little big on him, hanging off his body a little too loosely in some spots. He made a silly face, sticking out his tongue and scrunching up his nose. Daichi saved the photo.

                (Message received March 15 at 10:43 AM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: do you know what i need at the grocery store?

                (Message received March 15 at 10:56 AM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: nevermind!! i figured it out haha! didn’t mean to bug you at work!

                (Message received March 15 at 11:36 AM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: i quit my job today.

                Knight in Shining Armour: i wish i hadnt...im gonna miss the kids

                (Message received March 15 at 1:23 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: when are you off? ill cook us dinner

                (Message received March 15 at 2:56 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: can you come home?

                (Message received March 15 at 4:07 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: im sorry. i made a mess of my apartment. can you help me clean up when you come home?

                (Message received March 15 at 6:34 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: i forgot to buy groceries. should we order pizza?

                Knight in Shining Armour: or maybe you can stop at that onigiri place down the street! it’s so good there!

                (Message received March 15 at 6:53 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: im tired actually. maybe ill see you tomorrow.

                (Message received March 15 at 8:05 PM)

                Knight in Shining Armour: please come home

        Koushi spamming Daichi’s phone when he was gone for hours on end was nothing new. He usually woke up to at least 5 messages during the night. This was different though. Several of the messages set off worries in Daichi’s head. He had to get back to the apartment building as fast as he could. The last message was already almost an hour ago.

        Entering Koushi’s apartment to find it empty and quiet was the first red flag. Daichi stepped around the mess of things in the hall, looking for Koushi. The second red flag was the soft sounds coming from the bathroom. Daichi approached the bathroom door, knocking softly. Finally, a third red flag came in the form of Koushi’s response to Daichi’s knocking.

        “Don’t...just leave.”

        “Koushi, what are you doing? Come out.” Daichi knocked some more, heavy fists turning to open-handed slams turning to dejected pats against the wood. ”Please, come on, let’s talk about this,” he begged. Finally, his forehead met the door with a heavy thud.

        There were sounds from the other side of the door. It almost sounded as if Koushi was crying and it broke Daichi’s heart. “I can’t.” It was a barely-there whisper. The sound was almost foreign to Daichi. He’d never heard Koushi sound like that before.

        “Why not? What’s going on?” The following silence was heavy between the two.

        Koushi spoke again. “You should leave...it’ll be better for you if you leave now.”

        The words sent a shiver down Daichi’s spine. “I am not leaving.” Again, Daichi banged on the door, sliding down to his knees as he did. “Let me in.”

        This time, there’s no response, no matter how hard Daichi banged on the door, Koushi wouldn’t give in. The longer it went on, the more desperate Daichi became. He banged and banged, working up to throwing most of his weight at the door. He didn’t know what Koushi was doing. All he knew was that he can’t lose him. He needed Koushi. 

        Finally, there was a loud crunch and the door gave way, swinging open to slam against the bathroom wall. Daichi fell through the doorway, landing on his hands and knees. Across the bathroom, Koushi sat on the floor, curled in on himself. He was looking at Daichi in a way Daichi’d never seen before. His eyes were puffy and red and tear tracks stain his cheeks. Yet, despite the redness, purple eye bags were ever-present. His normally bright eyes were shining in a glassy way and he looked completely defeated.

        Daichi’s body moved before he was sure what’s happening, instinctively reaching out to comfort Koushi. He wrapped his arms around the man, pulling Koushi’s head against his chest. “You don’t have to talk yet,” he whispered.

        That’s all it took and Koushi is breaking down once again. He melted against Daichi, heavy sobs wracking his body. Every bit of this picked away at Daichi’s heart, breaking it into pieces little by little. They stayed like that for some time, Koushi sobbing into Daichi’s chest while he was held.

        Finally, Koushi began to quiet, his body no longer shaking with each breath. He pulled away, though he didn’t move far. It’s just enough that he can look Daichi in the eyes. “Daichi…” he began but didn’t go any further than that for several long moments. He took a deep breath, eyes averting down to his lap. “I...I’m sick and not getting better.”

        There it was: the final piece to shattering his heart completely. He didn’t need to elaborate and Daichi didn’t ask him to. He’s dying...and soon . The unspoken is loud and clear between them.

        Nothing Daichi can say would make any difference. There’s nothing he can even think of to say and he can’t ask Koushi to explain, not like this. Koushi had found him and pulled him back from his lowest point and Daichi wanted to do as much as he could to return that favour. Instead of fumble over words, he pulled Koushi to his chest once more. He held him tight, trying to communicate everything in that one embrace. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I need you. Please don’t leave me. Don’t push me away. Let me be here with you . He hoped Koushi knew.

── ✦ ──

        The following days were hard. Every hour Daichi was away, he worried about Koushi. He couldn’t help but feel like he was wasting the limited time he could be with Koushi. Three weeks later, Koushi was admitted to the hospital. All that news did was worsen the little pit of fear that had taken hold in Daichi’s stomach.

        The news felt like a light tap compared to the sucker punch that was seeing Koushi in the hospital bed that day. He looked so small and defeated, laying in the hospital bed and looking out the window. Daichi almost didn’t recognize the man. Daichi stood outside the room long enough to draw concerned looks from the nurses on duty. He couldn’t bring himself to go in, not yet. Right now, he was just seeing it, but if he went into the room, that meant it was real. No part of him wanted that.

        It wasn’t a nurse that pushed Daichi to move, but Koushi. The man finally drew his gaze from the window, catching Daichi’s eyes through the window. The way he perked up, corners of his lips lifting and eyes shining just a little bit...Daichi couldn’t resist.

        Daichi walked in, closing the door behind him. “Hey,” he said, taking a seat on the chair next to Koushi’s bed. If he’d thought standing outside looking in had felt wrong, being in the room only made that feeling worse. Up close, Daichi could see the purple bags under Koushi’s eyes and the way his clothes hung off him at odd angles. It wasn’t just that. The whole room felt wrong, with light walls and minimal furniture washed out by the fluorescent lights. Nothing about this place felt like Koushi beyond the man himself.

        “You made it,” Koushi said with a grin. As tired as he looked, he didn’t seem to mind. Not when his eyes lit up and he broke out his beautiful smile. “I thought you’d work late today.”

        Daichi chuckled, shaking his head. “I did . It’s past nine already.”

        “You should go home and rest then,” Koushi frowned. “Did you eat?”

        He should be home resting, but Daichi needed to be here more. He wasn’t going to let Koushi in on that yet though. “Yeah, I had dinner with the guys before my shift ended. You don’t have to worry about that. How’s the hospital food treating you?”

        Koushi groaned loudly, throwing his head back against his pillows. “It’s awful ! It’s been one day and I already miss home food.”

        “I’ll bring some by this weekend, how’s that sound?”

        Koushi sat up, once again smiling. “Yes, please, please, please,” he whined. “I need your cooking, it’s a million times better than whoever they’ve got in the kitchen here.”

        Daichi laughed, shaking his head. “Hey, come on. It’s not like the hospital is a five-star restaurant.”

        “I know, but they could do better. I swear the only thing that’s actually good are the jello cups.”

        “That’s because they’re impossible to get wrong.”

        “Actually, Noya might disagree. He tried making them once and I’m pretty sure they were poisonous,” Koushi informed him, shaking his head. “He said the reason they were so bad is because he’d only ever made jello shots...I’m not sure they’re that different though.”

        “That doesn’t surprise me all that much, actually,” Daichi replied.

        The two settled into an easy conversation of Koushi telling Daichi more stories from before they’d met. The longer Daichi was there, the more at ease Koushi seemed to be. As the nurses outside changed to the night shift, Daichi couldn’t bring himself to leave. Rather, he moved from the chair to sit at the end of Koushi’s bed to eventually snuggle up together. Koushi continued to chatter quietly, even as Daichi drifted in and out of sleep.

── ✦ ──

        The more time Daichi felt at the hospital, the more he felt it needed to be homier. Koushi’s apartment was a maximalist’s dream, yet his hospital room remained fairly bare, save for the growing collection of cards from acquaintances and the drawings and get well soon notes from his former students. Daichi had worried at first that the board filled with “get well soon” might upset Koushi, but he truly just seemed happy to have things from the kids near him.

        That was how Daichi found himself walking into Koushi’s hospital room carrying a gym bag. Koushi didn’t say anything when he entered, just giving him a quizzical look. In return, Daichi didn’t explain himself. He simply set the bag down at the foot end of the bed and began to empty it. It was mostly things Daichi had taken from Koushi’s apartment, which he now placed around the room. Daichi taped the drawings he’d taken from Koushi’s fridge around the already full corkboard and he hung the tapestry from Koushi’s living room over the window to the hospital hall. He placed several snowglobes Koushi collected amongst the flowers and cards on the tables in the room. He unrolled Koushi’s favourite blanket which he’d stolen from his bed and tossed it over Koushi’s face, earning giggles as the man pulled it off him. Finally, Daichi pulled the glow-in-the-dark stars he’d picked up from the store, climbed up on the bed, and reached up to press them against the ceiling tiles above Koushi’s bed. 

        Once he was finally satisfied with his work, he collapsed back on the bed, sprawled across Koushi’s lap and smiled up at him. “Isn’t this so much better?”

        It was written on Koushi’s face, but he still voiced a response. “Yes. Thank you so much.”

        Daichi just shook his head, ready to brush it off. “The place needed a bit more you around here.”

        “The stars aren’t very me.”

        “Yes, they are,” Daichi instantly fired back. “They were your idea.”

        “But they’re in your apartment.”

        Daichi frowned. He wasn’t wrong. “Sure, but it makes my apartment feel more like you. I only put them there because of you.”

        Koushi laughed at that. It was a sound Daichi wanted to hear all the time, truthfully. He didn’t think he could ever get enough of it. “Alright,” Koushi said. “They make this place feel more like you though. Maybe I can look at them instead of texting you when you’re gone.”

        “Don’t you dare,” Daichi grumbled. “I like it when you text me.”

        “Even when I send you like a hundred texts while you’re sleeping?”

        Daichi chuckled. “Yeah. That’s the best part of waking up.”

        Koushi tossed the blanket over Daichi’s head at that. “Don’t you go lying to me! I’ve even annoyed Noya at this point and he’s almost as bad about spamming.”

        “I’m not lying.” Daichi pulled the blanket from his head, his short hair now standing up on end with the static.

        “Fine, I guess I’ll just have to amp it up. You’ll get annoyed eventually,” he said, pointing a playful finger at Daichi.

        Daichi shifted his weight so he could lift a hand, grabbing hold of Koushi’s fist. “Nothing you could do would ever annoy me,” he said boldly, shaking their hands. “But I dare you to try your hardest, it just might make my day.” Every word of it was the truth. Hearing his phone go off and seeing a text from Koushi always brightened his mood. It had gotten to the point that his co-workers started teasing him, often insinuating that he was whipped for some girl he was hiding from them.

── ✦ ──

        “I wish we were home,” Koushi whispered.

        Daichi hummed in response, leaning back from Koushi’s chest to look at the man’s face. The blush on Koushi’s face was apparent, even in the dim light of the room. Or maybe it wasn’t and Daichi was just always extra observant when it came to him.

        “I didn’t think you were still awake.”

        “Are you homesick?” Daichi asked, a little bit worried. He was trying his best to make the hospital as homey as possible, but it really wasn’t easy.

        “No.” Koushi’s chest rose sharply with his sigh. “I’m just thinking about the future.”

        “What about it?”

        “Everything.” There’s a dreaminess to Koushi’s voice, one Daichi’s never heard before. “Tanaka’s going to marry Kiyoko one day and I’m going to be his groomsman. And then I’m going to get married one day, and he’ll be one of mine. I don’t know who my best man would be though. Maybe Asahi, but I haven’t talked to him in a while. Life got busy, you know?” 

        Daichi didn’t miss the present tense, but he wasn’t going to push it. “Yeah. Kiyoko and Tanaka’s wedding will be something else. I bet I’d be part of the bride’s party, she might even put me in some silly dress.”

        That got a laugh out of Koushi. “That’s something I need to see. I bet you’d hulk out of it by the reception.”

        “Yeah, no dress can hold in these muscles,” Daichi joked back, lifting an arm to flex for the punchline.

        Koushi reached a hand up, fingertips brushing over Daichi’s bicep. There’s a flash of sadness behind his eyes. He used to be strong, too. Not nearly as big as Daichi, but he was strong. 

        Daichi didn’t miss this and was quick to push him away from those thoughts. “I bet you’d look good in a tux. It’d probably be colourful, too.”

        With that, Koushi was back to dreaming. “Purple. That’s what colour Tanaka wants.”

        “You know?”

        Koushi laughed. “Of course. Tanaka is a total romantic, he started planning the wedding the day he met Kiyoko.”

        “Wow.” Truthfully, Daichi hadn’t thought Tanaka was that kind of guy. With all the marriage jokes, it didn’t seem much more than that: a joke.

        “Do you know what you want your wedding to be like?”

        “No,” Daichi answered. “I’d never thought about it much.”

        “Of course you wouldn’t.”

        “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Daichi faked offence, frowning dramatically. He shifted his weight again, leaning on his elbow while his other arm rested against Koushi’s stomach, hand raised slightly.

        Koushi smacked Daichi’s hand lightly, the two hitting back and forth as Koushi answered, “You’re just not the type. Not unless you met someone.”

        “And you are?”

        “I met someone,” Koushi responded with a cheeky grin.

        Who? ran across Daichi’s mind, almost slipping past his lips. He stopped himself though, instead asking, “What’s your big wedding idea then?”

        “I’ll have something really nice, a big reception with everyone we love. I’ll wear one of Asahi’s suits and it would be all white, too. I’ve been dreaming of that since Asahi told me he wanted to be a designer, actually,” Koushi admitted, eyes trained on where their hands were now still, fingers laced together. Daichi could see it already, Koushi standing at the altar in his white suit with his silvery hair practically glowing in the sunlight and the biggest smile on his face. In his mind’s eye, Daichi saw the Koushi dancing in his kitchen that first time, rather than the exhausted Koushi laying with him now. “I want it outside too, in the spring. That way it’ll smell like the cherry blossoms and every time I smell them after that, I’ll think of the best day of my life.”

        “I guess you’d want to live somewhere with cherry blossoms everywhere then?”

        “Of course.”

        Daichi nodded. “I think that’s nice. I want to live somewhere with a nice yard. I think I’d be one of those old men who cares a little too much about his vegetable garden.”

        “Would you grow fruit for me too?”

        “If you want, I don’t see why not.”

        Koushi smiled at that. “Good. I can’t grow things to save my life...that’s why all the plants at my place are fake ones.”

        “As long as you’ll cook some dinners, I’ll grow whatever you ask me to.”

        “It’s a deal,” Koushi responded. “I think I’d keep teaching ‘til I was eighty.”

        Daichi chuckled. “Or you could retire early and spoil your grandkids instead.”

        “Oh, oh, I like that one better. Yeah, I’ll do that instead!”

        “I’d probably retire from the EMT work really early so I could coach volleyball for a while.”

        “You played volleyball?” Koushi asked softly.

        “Yeah.” There was a half-sad smile on Daichi’s face as he thought back to his high school days. “I played in high school, team captain and everything. I miss it a lot, actually. Sometimes I think about reaching out to my old coach, just to see if he needs help here and there, you know?”

        Koushi nodded. “Yeah. I played in high school, too. That’s where I met Noya and Tanaka.”

        “Tanaka and Kiyoko met at one of the tournaments. I wonder if we ever played each other, but didn’t know it.”

        “Our team never made it very far,” Koushi admitted. “That would be funny though.”

        The conversation spiralled from there, reminiscing the good old volleyball days. It surprised Daichi how many of the same people they’d met, yet somehow hadn’t met each other. Or they had, but it hadn’t been memorable enough to stick the way people like Oikawa Tooru and Bokuto Koutarou did. On Daichi’s end, he supposed it was that he only ever paid proper attention to Nekoma, always needing to win against Kuroo Tetsurou. 

── ✦ ──

        It was rare for Daichi to get to see Koushi during the day. As much as he wanted to spend his every waking moment with Koushi, the other man knew he couldn’t. Daichi still had a life to live, one that wasn’t coming to an end soon. He couldn’t spend all his time with Koushi at the hospital. He had to keep living according to Koushi.

        Today was different, though. Daichi considered himself a fairly closed book, but it seemed his coworkers and, more importantly, his boss would disagree with him on that. Near the end of his shift, he was called into Ukai’s office for a “little chat”. A couple of months ago, that would have set off a number of worries, particularly the fear of being fired, but right now...Daichi might actually thank the man if he fired him.

        When Daichi entered the office, Ukai was sitting behind his desk, glasses low on his nose and papers scattered across his desk. He was muttering something to himself, though far too quiet for Daichi to make any of it out. His reaction was a little slow, but the man did eventually look up and gestured for Daichi to take a seat. As Daichi moved to sit in the rather uncomfortable chair, Ukai gathered some of the papers and piled them atop his computer’s keyboard. Finally, Ukai fully focused on Daichi, resting his forearms on his desk and leaning forward slightly, looking at the younger man over his glasses.

        “You haven’t been giving it your all lately, Sawamura,” Ukai stated plainly.

        “I know, sir,” Daichi quickly started. “It’s been hard to focus, I can try harder.”

        “Why?”

        That brought a frown on Daichi’s face. “Why?”

        “Why can’t you focus when you’re here? That’s never been an issue before.”

        Daichi sighed. “Are you not going to just fire me?”

        “No,” Ukai chuckled. “You were one of my best guys. Why would I be firing you? Just talk to me, what’s going on with you?”

        There was no getting around it. Ukai wanted to know the truth and Daichi would give it to him. “My friend is in the hospital. He’s sick and…” Daichi stopped, taking a deep breath. He hadn’t said this to anyone yet. Koushi told Tanaka himself and Tanaka had delivered the news to Kiyoko and Kiyoko was Daichi’s only proper friend, so he had no one else to tell...until now. “He’s going to die soon.” Daichi felt it in his throat, the way his voice broke horribly over the word die and soon came out barely audible.

        The look on Ukai’s face spoke for itself. Eyes slightly widened and brows turned up ever so slightly, complete with his lips parted and the corners of his mouth turned down. It was undeniably a mixture of shock and pity, a combination Daichi had never seen on his boss’ face before. Is this a look he’d grow used to eventually? That thought scared him a little bit. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad when he got used to it, though that wasn’t comforting in the least.

        “I’m sorry to hear that.” The first of many to come, surely. Maybe Daichi would get used to that as well. “Look, kid, take some time off. I’ll put you on a paid leave. Your job will still be here when you get back.” 

        The unspoken words, that Koushi wouldn’t be, rang loud in Daichi’s ears. He tried his best to push those thoughts away. “I can’t thank you enough.” Truthfully, he couldn’t. He wasn’t even sure Ukai fully understood what he was doing for Daichi and how much it meant to him, even as he was showing more emotion than Ukai had ever seen from him.

        On some level, Ukai did understand. Perhaps not the situation, but Daichi. “Don’t mention it.” He turned back to his work then, allowing Daichi to leave without a longer, more emotional conversation. And so Daichi did leave, hurrying as fast as he possibly could to the hospital and, more importantly, to Koushi’s side.

        Arriving outside Koushi’s room, Daichi was pleasantly surprised to see Koushi laughing with Tanaka and Nishinoya. As often as Daichi kept Koushi company and did his best to keep his spirits lifted, it was nice knowing that he wasn’t the only one doing so. He knew Tanaka and Nishinoya visited quite often. Koushi didn’t keep many secrets from him these days, but knowing and seeing were two different things.

        “Daichi.” Koushi grinned when he spotted Daichi in the doorway. As excited as the man was, his voice was quieter than it would have been a few weeks ago. “What are you doing here? I thought you were working?” The other two men looked at him, also waiting for an answer.

        “Ukai gave me a bit of a holiday,” Daichi answered, not wanting to get too into it. As amazing as this was, he knew Koushi would be upset and think himself a burden to Daichi somehow. It was best to keep the details to himself.

        “It’s about time he gave you a break,” Tanaka chimed in. Whether he understood what Daichi was playing at or he genuinely thought this, Daichi couldn’t tell, but he was glad Tanaka said something more. Hopefully it would keep Koushi from prying once they were alone later.

        “I know. He’s been working me to the bone for years. So, what did I interrupt?”

        Tanaka and Nishinoya shared a rather suspicious look, which was followed by a glare to the two from Koushi and a course of “Nothing really”’s.

        “That’s...believable,” Daichi said with a laugh.

        “Anyways, I’m going to Paris in a couple weeks,” Nishinoya started up, quickly derailing the previous suspicions in favour of talking about his latest trip. Not that he could keep on that topic long once he let it slip who he was going with and his friends began to tease him about going to Paris of all places with Asahi.

── ✦ ──

        Without his job pulling him away from the hospital, Daichi had all but moved into the small room. More often than not, nurses doing their nightly rounds would find Daichi curled up into Koushi’s side sleeping soundly while the other man lay quietly, eyes closed but never asleep. The nurses working day shifts began to bring a sandwich of some kind with Koushi’s meals to ensure Daichi ate as well. It was comforting, knowing the people who’d been taking care of Koushi while he had been working were so attentive and he appreciated their efforts to make him comfortable here too.

        “Mr. Sugawara seems more at ease now that you’re here all the time,” one of the nurses told him one evening. He’d slipped out of the room to take a call from Tanaka and she’d caught him on his way back in. “We’ve all noticed. Patients like him don’t always have someone like you. You’re an amazing friend.”

        Daichi nodded slightly. “Thanks. It’s the least I can do for him.” Truthfully, there was nothing Daichi would rather do right now than spend all his time with Koushi.

        Back in the room, it almost seemed like Koushi was asleep. He laid on his back, chest rising and falling in a steady, slow cycle. With his face turned away from the door, his heavy-lidded eyes were hidden from view. He looked peaceful, but Daichi knew better than to think he was. He knew that it was getting harder for Koushi to feel relaxed and comfortable these days. It had begun taking most of his energy just to breathe, let alone speak and move. He tried not to dwell on it too much. Not when Koushi needed him to be there to help him find moments of comfort.

        Daichi remained silent as he plugged his phone in and set it on the table to charge. He kicked off the slippers he wore outside their room and climbed onto the bed, pulling Koushi to him. The man shifted, resting his head against Daichi’s shoulder and draping his arm across his chest as Daichi’s stronger arms wrapped around him, one hand buried in his hair.

        “Daichi?” Koushi’s voice was quiet and shaky, a stark contrast from when they’d first met, but unnervingly normal now.

        “Hmm?” Daichi hummed in response. He began absent-mindedly moving his fingers through Koushi’s hair.

        “Do you ever think about when we met?”

        Daichi nodded. “Of course I do.” They’d never spoken about it, though. In the months that had passed, it had always remained an unspoken truth. Daichi shouldn’t be surprised it couldn’t be such a thing forever.

        Daichi felt Koushi’s cheek pressed against his shoulder a little more firmly, the way it did when he smiled against him. Those were becoming rarer these days, but Daichi couldn’t figure out why he’d smile if he wanted to talk about that night. “I think I was meant to find you. It was the day the doctors started tests and not being able to sleep was becoming so normal, but no one knew and my apartment started feeling more like a prison. I just needed to get out and then I went up to the roof and...there you were.” The words are mumbled slowly into Daichi’s shirt, but they’re still clear as day.

        “You never told me any of that before.”

        There’s a half-hearted, tired laugh from Koushi. “We never talked about it. I didn’t want to talk about it if you didn’t want to.”

        “Why now?” Daichi asked, eyes gazing down at Koushi’s limp, silver hair.

        “It’s just…” He stopped and Daichi could feel the way he was struggling to catch his breath already. “It’s rare to find this with someone. It’s like…” 

        “It was meant to be.” Like soulmates . Koushi doesn’t have to say it, Daichi knows him well enough to know he’s trying to say something like that.

        “Yeah,” Koushi sighed. “That kind of thing, it doesn’t just happen to everyone. I don’t know if it’ll happen to you again.”

        “I don’t think I want it to,” Daichi admitted. It isn’t a grand declaration or something to make Koushi feel special. It’s simply the truth. No one would ever be Koushi. Nothing would ever compare to them.

        Koushi snuggled up against Daichi a little more then, his hand seeking out Daichi’s. It’s a slow, fumbling search, his hand sliding against Daichi’s chest and getting caught on the fabric of his shirt and light blankets. Upon finding it, he linked their fingers together and pulled their hands up against his chest. Daichi can feel his slow heartbeat against the back of his hand. “Would you try?”

        “Try what?”

        “Finding it again,” Koushi whispered. “Someone to really connect with and...living.”

        Daichi’s face paled, even if no one could see in the dark room. “Don’t say things like that.”

        “Please? I just...promise me you won’t go back on the roof...like you did that night. Promise me you’ll live. I need to know you’ll do that for me.” 

        He wanted to say no, he really did. Part of him was sure he’d find himself back on the edge of the roof soon after Koushi was gone and he didn’t want to make a promise he couldn’t keep. But there was a desperation in his voice that Daichi’s never heard before, the kind that pulls at his heart and has his eyes tearing up. It’s the kind he can’t say no to. “Okay. I promise I’ll live for you.” There was no taking it back now. He’d said the words and he had to keep to them.

        “Thank you.” Koushi feels calmer now, finally relaxing into Daichi’s arms. Even if he wouldn’t sleep, Daichi felt better just knowing Koushi was as comfortable as he could be.

        Daichi moved slightly, lifting his head to press a gentle kiss to Koushi’s hair. “You’re getting bold, making me promise things like that,” he mumbled, barely sure Koushi heard him, not that it mattered if he did or not.

── ✦ ──

        Koushi rarely spoke after that night. It wasn’t that he couldn’t speak, the nurses had told Daichi as much. It was just that it took frustratingly long for his body to catch up to his brain -- that was evident in his slow, sloppy movements -- and Koushi didn’t want to slur and stutter any time he tried to say something. Not to mention speaking would expend energy he didn’t have anymore. So, he kept to mostly humming in response, occasionally responding in one or two words.

        Daichi didn’t mind the quiet though. He’d taken to spending a lot of time studying his old EMT training books. Koushi particularly enjoyed it when he did that, probably more because of the promise rather than genuine interest in listening to Daichi read from the books aloud. As much as Daichi enjoyed keeping Koushi company, it always made him a little happier when one of Koushi’s other friends would stop by. Nishinoya and Tanaka came by the most, occasionally with Asahi or Kiyoko in tow. Koushi seemed to brighten up the most on those days.

        Despite Nishinoya and Tanaka being in the room with him, today was not one of the days when their presence lifted Koushi’s mood. That much had been evident the moment Daichi saw their sullen faces outside the hospital room and even more so when Tanaka quietly asked if they could talk alone.

        Daichi tried his best to respect their privacy, sitting in a chair down the hall and keeping from looking through the window to see what was happening. He knew what was happening, but he still worried about how it was going. A couple hours in, Tanaka left the room and sat quietly beside Daichi. In all the years he’d known the man, he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen him this sullen. It was unnerving. 

        Another long hour passed before Koushi’s door opened again. This time Nishinoya stepped out. He rubbed his eyes before looking up at the two who sat outside waiting. As he approached him, Daichi took note of his dishevelled hair and red-rimmed eyes, preparing himself to face a surely upset Koushi soon. Tanaka stood, ready to leave with Nishinoya, but the other man didn’t make any moves to leave. Instead, he remained standing in front of Daichi.

        “I don’t know if Tanaka told you, but we won’t be coming by anymore,” Nishinoya said.

        Although Daichi had known they were saying their goodbyes, it still felt wrong to have that confirmed.

        “I wish we were stronger. I’m sorry we couldn’t stay until the end,” Nishinoya continued. “I’m glad you’re here for him. He can’t die alone so...thanks for being here.” He was looking at Daichi directly, even with the fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. 

        “Uh, yeah…” The atmosphere was uncomfortable. It felt like Daichi was choking on the heavy emotions. “I’ll take care of him, alright? You two take care of each other.” He looked to Tanaka then, desperately hoping he was able to convey just how uncomfortable he was.

        Tanaka, having known Daichi for so long, picked up the man’s signal easily. He offered a sympathetic smile, another thank you, and ushered Nishinoya away. Daichi watched until the two men disappeared around the call corner before he finally relaxed, sinking into the chair. His head fell to rest in his hands. There was an odd tightness in his nose like he might cry, but he willed it away. Koushi needed him to be strong right now.

        When the feeling finally passed, he joined Koushi in his room. As he closed the door behind him, he took account of the scene. Koushi’s breaths came harsh and jarred his body as he lay facing away from the door, no doubt sobbing despite the silence. He was curled in on himself, a ball half under the blanket. 

        As carefully as Daichi could, he approached the bed, sitting behind Koushi. He placed his hand on the man’s back, ignoring the washboard-like feeling of ribs beneath his palm. “Hey, how are you doing?” he asked softly.

        Koushi looked up at him. His cheeks were wet with fresh tears and his face was a little bit red. It was his eyes that really broke Daichi’s heart though. The glassiness was something to be expected from the sobbing man, but the way they looked utterly hopeless...that was different. Daichi hadn’t seen that in Koushi since the day he told Daichi he was sick. That goodbye had broken Koushi and Daichi wasn’t sure how to help. Rather than try and say something and wind up with his foot in his mouth, Daichi did what he knew best. He held Koushi. He pulled the man into his lap and gently rubbed his back while Koushi sobbed into his chest.

        Eventually, Koushi wore himself out. His breaths came in heavy sighs as he fought with his tired body to breathe, unable to cry anymore. His body was limp against Daichi, unable to hold himself up properly anymore. His cheek pressed against Daichi’s tear-soaked shirt and hands that had once tightly gripped the shirt lay relaxed against Daichi’s chest.

        “Do you feel a little bit better now?” It was a silly question. Koushi’s best friends had just said their goodbyes. One good cry wouldn’t change that, but that was okay.

        Koushi’s nose brushed up, down, then up against Daichi’s chest, a nod. So, he did feel better, even if it was just marginally. Daichi would take that small win. He shifted the two of them so he could lay down, still holding Koushi tightly against him, as if he might disappear if he let go. It wasn’t really about Daichi’s feelings though, it was about telling Koushi that he wasn’t going to disappear.

── ✦ ──

        Koushi was quieter than usual today. He’d all but stopped speaking weeks ago, but somehow he still seemed quieter. Daichi wasn’t entirely sure what it was that was different. He’d still been talking a bit, mostly reading aloud the book he’d been working through recently. It was something to fill the space and it kept Daichi’s eyes on the page, rather than carefully looking over Koushi’s thinning figure or hollow cheeks or dark eyes. It hurt, seeing Koushi looking half dead while he lay there still breathing.

        The day still drew to an end, the sun falling below the horizon and the sky turning dark. Above the hospital bed, the little stars glowed a soft greenish colour. They weren’t very bright at all, but Koushi said he liked watching them, imagining they were real and twinkling billions of miles away. As Daichi did every night, he curled up next to Koushi. They two often switched who would hold who and tonight it was Daichi who wound up curled into Koushi’s side, a weak arm wrapped around him, holding him desperately close.

        Movement from Koushi caught Daichi’s attention and he shifted to look up at him. “What’s wrong?”

        Koushi shook his head, implying nothing was wrong. At least nothing in the way Daichi had thought. Something was clearly wrong, especially when Koushi opened his mouth to quietly speak in slow, slurred words. “I’m…sleepy…wanna…tell…s’methin’.”

        Daichi watched his face carefully, hanging off every word. His heart raced and the sound of it almost drowned out Koushi’s voice. “What is it?”

        Koushi takes a heavy breath. “I…love…”

        That was when it clicked and panic had an iron grip on Daichi’s heart. “No. No, no, no. Don’t you dare do this, Koushi. You’re not—you’re not allowed to do this. You can’t…not now, please. I can’t, no. Don’t…please. I need—Don’t say it.” His words were rushed out, tumbling and tripping over one another.

        Koushi waited patiently for Daichi to come to a stop, a tired smile on his face. Finally, Daichi did, catching Koushi’s gaze. The serenity in it was near terrifying and Daichi wanted to keep begging him not to, but something in him stopped.

        “Promise?” The whisper is a reminder, but there’s more to it. It was another request. Koushi wanted to hear him make the promise again.

        Once again, as much as Daichi didn’t want to, he can’t deny Koushi. “I know, I promise. I won’t break it.”

        That was enough to placate Koushi and he turned his gaze to the ceiling. Daichi laid his head back down, the panic in him slowly dying down. This didn’t have to mean anything bad would happen soon. Perhaps Koushi was just having a bad night. He relaxed into Koushi, ready for sleep to take him.

        On the fence between consciousness and unconsciousness, Daichi swore he could head Koushi’s voice. “G’dbye…I…love…” Sleep took him before he can process if it’s real or not.

── ✦ ──

        When morning came, Daichi knew something was wrong. He still lay curled up with Koushi, but his head didn’t move with the ebb and flow of breath. A hand touched his back, resting against the bed rather than clutching his shirt. The drowsiness wore off in seconds as everything clicked together. He lay frozen for a moment, unsure what to do. The moment passed and he moved, pushing himself away from the body and standing up. He looked over it. It looked like Koushi in a way, but it felt foreign. Koushi wasn’t there and that wasn’t Koushi.

        Quietly and without emotion, Daichi grabbed his things from the room and stuffed them in his bag. Without saying a word to any of the nurses, he left. They’d deal with it. There was no reason to interact with anyone at the hospital anymore.

        He remained silent and unmoved until he got to his apartment. It was only then, with the door closed behind him and his bag dropped in the hall, that it hit him. Koushi was gone. Forever. A broken sob escaped Daichi and he instinctively clapped his hand over his mouth.

        Rather than stand in the hall crying, Daichi moved around his apartment. He started in the kitchen, his mind bringing up images of Koushi dancing with him while Queen played their song from a phone speaker. Desperate to make it go away, Daichi tore apart everything he could get his hands on, pulling plastic containers from the cupboards and ripping drawers open to dump cutlery and utensils over the floor. This only made it worse. The mess reminded him too much of the mess Koushi would make while cooking.

        He left the kitchen like that, throwing himself onto his bed. His pillow smelled like cinnamon and when he rolled to his side, he was met with one of Koushi’s shirts. On his back, he found the stars they’d put up on his ceiling. Once again, Daichi began to tear the room apart. He pulled things from deep inside his drawers, covering things that reminded him of Koushi with things he hadn’t seen in years. He emptied his closet out on the floor, but it wasn’t enough. He scrambled up on his bed, tripping over things he couldn’t see through the tears and desperately grabbed at the stars on his roof. The edges pinched his fingers, which grew redder with each star, and paint chipped off with the sticky stars, but Daichi didn’t care. All he cared about was getting rid of them. They had to go.

        Finally, each star was gone, thrown out into the mess of the room, hidden from Daichi. He fell back on his bed, looking up at his blurry ceiling. Now, instead of stars, were uneven paint chips where they had been. A trace of Koushi. He couldn’t get rid of him. Defeated, Daichi allowed himself to melt into the grief, curling in on himself and sobbing until he was too exhausted to do anything but lay in silence against the tear-stained pillow.

        Daichi got up eventually, looking over the mess he made…the mess he had to clean up now. Exhausted, he got to work. If nothing else, this would keep him busy for some time. And it did. Four hours later found Daichi sitting on his bedroom floor, putting away the last of the things he’d torn from their homes. Until he found something that didn’t have a home in his room: a little envelope addressed to Daichi in Koushi’s handwriting and a large, sealed jar. Already tearing up, Daichi opened it carefully and unfolded the paper.

        Daichi,

        I got the news today…I’m dying. I don’t know how I’m going to tell you or what’s going to happen next. What I do know is that I can’t just leave you. I think that’s what scares me the most. Not the dying part, but the leaving you part. The you being alone part. I don’t want you to go back up on the roof, not when I can’t show up this time. I don’t know if I’ll end up telling you this or not, but I think that was one of the biggest moments of my life. Meeting you for the first time. I knew right then and there…you were going to be so important to me. Maybe you felt the same way, or maybe you didn’t. That doesn’t matter. What matters is I was right, you are so important to me.

        And I need you to know that you won’t stop being important just because I’m gone. That’s why I did this. I’ve been panicking and texting you back and forth all day, I know. I’m sorry about that. I’m sure I’ve stressed you out but you’re all I could think about while I did this. The jar, I mean. That’s what I was doing. I tried to write down everything I could remember and think of. All the things you’ve done for me, every little thing I love about you, every reason you are important and special. It feels silly writing it out now, but part of me thinks you’ll need it. So…whenever you miss me or you’re feeling down, read a new one okay? Know that someone, once, thought these things about you and someone new will think them again.

        In case I never got to say it, I love you. In case you never got to say it, I know you love me.

        Tears rolled down Daichi’s cheeks as he read the letter again and again. The last line broke his heart more than anything else. Guilt and regret of their last night chewed at him. Neither of them had said it. He wished more than anything that they had gotten the chance.

        He looked over at the jar that sat next to him. A tiny part of him wanted to open it, wanted to read every last note in there. A larger part of him wanted to save it, to make the notes last the rest of his life. For right now, the letter was enough. He didn’t need more than that, not when he was already sitting on the floor and sobbing.

── ✦ ──

        The following weeks were far more difficult than Daichi could have imagined. After the news broke, Daichi’s phone was constantly pinging with condolences from people he hardly knew. As the weeks passed, condolences turned to concerns. The only people who treated him somewhat normally were Nishinoya and Tanaka, who spent more time at his place than their respective partners’ homes. The three of them understood this grief in ways it seemed no one else did. It was isolating, but at least they weren’t completely alone in it.

        Most days they spent their time in bed or on the couch, ordering in food and hardly taking care of themselves. At least once a day, either Asahi or Kiyoko would stop by, worrying over them and trying to help a little bit. Nights often found Daichi sitting up on the roof, looking up at the stars, a tiny piece of him hoping Koushi would walk through the roof access door and bring him down to his apartment again.

        This particular night was different though. Rather than lay sprawled on the roof, Daichi was sitting on the edge again. No part of him was going to push off, not when he’d made a promise, but he sat there, legs dangling over, wondering if he might if that promise didn’t tether him to his spot. This time, instead of a snowflake pulling him from his thoughts, it was a ringing phone. Without much thought, he answered, muttering a “Hello.”

        “Hey Daichi,” came the response in a voice Daichi hadn’t heard in years.

        “Tetsu?”

        There’s a laugh on the other side of the line. “Didn’t you check caller ID? You haven’t changed much at all.”

        “Did you want something?” The question isn’t harsh or dismissive, it just is.

        “I heard about Sugawara, knew the guy back in high school and heard you two were close. I don’t know if it was like us, but I thought I’d call and check in on you. I do still care, you know.”

        Daichi sighed. “It…yeah, it was.” That’s enough of an answer for Tetsurou to know what Daichi is feeling. Even after all these years, he understood.

        “I’m sorry. You’re not thinking of…doing anything are you?”

        “No. I promised him I wouldn’t.”

        Tetsturou’s breath crackled in the line. “Good. I know how you can be.”

        Daichi knew before Tetsurou said anything that would be his next concern: was he alone? “Tanaka and Koushi’s friend, Nishinoya, they’re staying with me.” 

        Again, his breath crackled through the line. “Good. Do you want to talk about it?”

        “No.”

        “That doesn’t surprise me. Take care and…reach out when you’re ready, okay? Doesn’t have to be me, but please do it.”

        Daichi nodded, even if no one was around to see it. “It’ll be you,” he said softly.

        Tetsurou chuckled. “Okay.”

        “Good night, Tetsu.”

        “Good night.” The line clicked, the phone call ended. The familiarity and comfort of hearing Tetsurou’s voice, of knowing he still cared and he was still there…it was what Daichi had needed.

        Without much thought, Daichi opened his texts, scrolling past the pitiful condolences he had yet to open. He paused when he found Koushi’s contact, still labelled Knight in Shining Armour. He clicked on it, eyes scanning over the texts from the weeks before Daichi’s leave from work and the daily fun facts. He stopped at each photo Koushi had sent of himself, watching as the further back he went, the healthier Koushi looked, all the way back to the first one he’d sent. Tears welled up in Daichi’s eyes as he looked at the last, or first, photo he had from the day Koushi had caught him in the library. His eyes were bright with no traces of the dark circles around them and his face was pink from the January cold. He smiled so brightly, cheeks puffing up a little bit. Daichi could almost hear his teasing laugh and smell that warm cinnamon scent that was fading from his apartment the more time passed. He wasn’t sure how long he stared at the photo, how long he let the tears run down his cheeks, but he never wanted to look away. That was the Koushi he wanted to remember.

        He eventually turned his gaze up, towards the stars. They weren’t anything like the glow in the dark stars he’d spent so much time looking at with Koushi, but he couldn’t look at those anymore without his heart breaking. Real stars weren’t all that much better, they reminded him of the first time he’d seen Koushi. More than that, he felt like he could see everything in them, like the world was at his fingertips. And sometimes, Daichi wondered what was out there among the stars.