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Willie sits on his bed, his small room backstage adjacent to the hallway connecting to the club’s performance space. He didn’t want to risk running into Alex anymore, not after what he did. Not after what... what he said to Alex. We never should have met. God, he was the worst person to ever exist in the history of ever.
But Caleb was right, about this at least. No one could ever be capable of loving someone as awful as him. Someone who betrays friends he just met, betrays his... his crush. Willie whines and reaches up to tug at the roots of his hair. He tugs his knees to his chest, scooting so his back is pressed against the cold brick wall. His room at the club was a little bit bigger than the rest, Caleb calls it a reward for his good behavior all these years but Willie just knows it’s position so he could keep an eye on him.
Why does heartbreak have to hurt so much?
Another whine, a little louder this time, escapes his mouth and he wraps his arms around his legs, holding them close to his chest. A jolt wrecks his body and he falls to his side shaking, trying to process the pain in his heart, in his soul. Like a knife had been twisted and stabbed between his ribcage. “Willie?” Not Alex asks after appearing in his line of vision.
Using Alex against him was a low blow, but Caleb had stooped lower than this before. He takes a shuddering breath and closes his eyes tightly. It’ll hurt less if he doesn’t have to see this version of Alex, this wicked version created by Caleb’s shadows and cooked up in his steel cauldron of nightmares. “Willie look at me, please.” Alex says, his voice sounds broken. He sounds really fucking sad and Caleb - Caleb’s imitations never get sad. They get angry at him instead.
“Leave me alone ,” Willie hissed as he curls into himself tighter. He covers his ears with the palm of his hands and he rocks on the bed, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the rest of the world. “Leave me alone!” Willie says again, this time it comes out sounding like a whine, something high pitched and animalistic as he curls up on his bed facing the wall. If he doesn’t engage maybe Caleb will take mercy on him, just this once. “You don’t get to use him. Not him.” Willie sounded hoarse, pain and sorrow when his shattered voice filled the air. Maybe he knows how much he loved Alex, how much it hurt him to push him away. To protect him, protect him from himself. To protect Alex from the monster he is under the harmless skater boy persona he’s built around himself to lure ghosts into the club.
To lure Alex into the club.
Alex can’t be here. He can’t be at the club. Willie broke it off before it even started. He has to keep Alex safe Alex who will never love him how he wants. Alex who would never kiss him or hug him ever again because Willie sold his family out to Caleb. Why would Alex come back for him? If he had his own brothers to look out for first.
Even if Alex came back (which would’ve been a stupid decision to begin with) he wouldn’t know where to find his room, only Caleb knows where his real room is. Well, Caleb and - “Dante and Fuego told me where to find you,” when Alex speaks his voice is soft and careful. The bed behind Willie dips and he assumes the Not Alex sat down on the mattress. Willie tenses even more - Caleb has a thing about denying him touch. Especially on days like this, when he’s being punished for something he isn’t sure he’s being punished for.
Willie decides to stay quiet. To stay curled up tightly in his fetal position, his hair loose against his back as he squeezes his eyes shut. If he can’t see Not Alex he isn’t there. He isn’t there because after what he did, after he showed Alex what kind of monster he really was… Willie whimpers and his nails dig into his biceps. “Willie?” Alex asks, his voice hesitant and uncertain. Willie can feel a hand hover close to his shoulder and he flinches. Alex’s hand disappears and Willie relaxes… marginally. He swallows thickly and drums his fingers anxiously on the mattress, Willie can feel the beat through the bed.
Finally Free .
Willie went to the performance. He knows he shouldn’t have but he had to see Alex just one more time before he drowned his sorrows away. Just once he wanted to see Alex in his element, with his friends and his family to know he was going to be okay. So yeah, he went to the performance he hid in the back of the crowd in the groupies section, blending in with the masses. For one more night he wanted to fool himself into thinking he would be okay.
A jolt twists in his chest and he cries out in pain, his face contorting as it scrunches up. Alex is… confusing. Because this Alex doesn’t act like Caleb’s copies of the people Willie’s loved. This Alex acts like he cares, because the second the jolt shocks his body Alex is instantly at his side. He’s whispering words of comfort into the air and trying to coax Willie to turn away from the wall but he can’t.
He knows he can’t.
Because whenever he turns away from the wall - that’s when the hit comes. That’s always when the hit comes in and Willie, however weak and frail he is. However unloveable Caleb has him convinced he will not give the man the satisfaction of punishing him as Alex. “Please -” Willie starts before he cuts himself off with a loud, hacking cough. He curls up tighter, trying to hide from the evil in the club. The evil he knows no one would ever love him enough to help him escape from.
“Willie, I love you,” Alex says, his voice earnest and pleading. His hand touches Willie’s shoulder and he flinches. His eyes are still squeezed shut but his hands are wrapped around his chest again, instead of pressed against his ears. “I love you Willie,” Alex repeats, like a mantra. Like he believes if he says it enough maybe Willie would believe it.
He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to… but it’s enough to convince him it’s not Caleb, because Caleb has never loved anything other than Aleski, who he lost before Willie even met him, his entire life. So he knows it’s Alex now, the real Alex, because Alex’s hand hasn’t stopped drumming on the mattress. And Alex hasn’t stop breathing shakily, his words full of anxiety but a sort of sureness to them Willie knows it’s not Caleb. He can’t trust it though, he can’t trust himself or his heart because he’s been burned before. Willie’s been tricked by Caleb before and this could all just be one big performance to gain Willie’s trust, then break it.
Break him.
“Stop pretending you love me, stop lying to yourself. ” Willie says, his voice hoarse and dry as it cracks into the air around them. He peels open his eyes and manages to glance at Alex before staring at the ceiling above their heads. He swallowed thickly and tears fell down his cheeks, leaking out of his eyes. “Please stop.” His chin is wobbly and his sniffles are loud, his arms wrapped around his biceps and his fingernails digging into his skin.
“Willie I’m not pretending,” Alex’s voice is soft as velvet as it slips through the doubt and storm of chaos whipping around in his mind. “Please,” his voice sounds broken… sad. “Please Willie,” Alex reaches to gently cup his face, turning it so he’s forced to look at him. “Please believe me.” His thumb gently traces down Willie’s jaw and he’s breathing heavily as he sits there on his bed, mere inches away from the person he loves.
“Stop lying to me Alex,” Willie says, sounding just as shattered as Alex does. “Stop lying to me. I know what I am, I know who I am and what I -” he shudders. “What Caleb has made me do.” Alex hesitates, Willie sees it. He’s about to cup his face again, touch him with those drumstick calloused fingers to comfort him but he hesitates. It’s only for a split second but it’s there, it happened.
The knife in his chest loosens as Alex gently pries his hands away from his muscles, letting Willie play with his own fingers instead. “I’m not lying, I swear to god I’m not lying,” Alex sounds desperate, sad. Willie doesn’t like it when Alex sounds sad. “I’m not lying to you, I would never - not about this, not about anything.” Willie sniffles and slowly opens his eyes to look at Alex. Their eyes meet and Willie just… crumbles into Alex’s chest. And he knows, he knows deep in his soul that he’s unlovable.
He knows they’re not real. He knows one day Alex will decide he’s had enough of Willie and his lies and his shadows and his nightmares. He knows one day Alex will leave him, just like everyone always does… but for now he lets himself be weak. He lets himself breakdown and cry and shake as Alex wraps his arms around him. Willie presses his face into Alex’s hoodie and he soaks the fabric with his tears. Because even though he knows the truth, that no one except Caleb would ever love him for who he really is… for one more day, for one more night, he’ll live in the fantasy he’s built in his head.
Then tomorrow he’ll drown his sorrows away.