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Once the cameras were shut down and the crew left the room, Johnny and Ten were still lying on the bed in blissful silence, both staring at the ceiling.
“I will take you there one day,” Johnny murmured. Ten glanced at him just to see Johnny still looking straight ahead at the white paint, almost as if he hadn’t said anything, but Ten knew better. Johnny’s fingers fidgeted as they rested on his chest, signaling his anxiety and giving him away as well.
“And what would we do?”
“We would see the bean,” Johnny said quickly and both of them laughed. Ten lifted himself lightly on his arms looking around. Their mics were already disconnected and it looked like the staff had left them completely alone not wanting to bother them. Right. Ten thought. They rented the place for one more hour and we are already done. Which essentially meant they could sit there up until the owner came around. Ten listened closely and could hear noises on the other side of the door, signaling that everyone was packing their stuff and cleaning up after themselves. Everyone left him and Johnny to themselves. Their managers were most likely sitting on the other side of the wall not wanting to bother them either, not yet — Ten needed to remember to thank them later for this extra time he got to spend with Johnny. He glanced to his left, Johnny was now looking back at him and probably thinking the same thing. So Ten just leaned back down this time closer to Johnny, his hand landing close to Johnny’s. As Johnny’s right arm was now straightened along his body, Ten had the perfect opportunity to just grab his hand — but he didn’t.
Instead of it he just let his left arm land next to Johnny’s, giving the older the excuse to grab his hand — he didn’t.
Ten and Johnny weren’t exactly sure where the boundaries were anymore because the lines had been blurred for a while now. They were more than friends, but at the same time, less than lovers. They did not talk about it. They just spent their time together as friends usually do, or sometimes they just let their walls fall down completely. No pushing away and no strings attached. But whether they wanted more or not, remained a mystery for both of them. It was a dangerous game with feelings. They both wanted more, but they never knew how to approach the topic and most of all they couldn’t tell what the other would think of it.
It was easier to just stay as things were now.
So they just laid down. And Ten let himself get lost in his thoughts, trying to find words to say, but failing — it had been so long since they saw each other the last time — they texted, of course, but truth be told they had no time in their busy schedules, so the messages were usually answered hours after being sent.
So when Johnny called him one evening asking about that JCC series of his, that Ten mentioned once he wanted to be more in, Ten couldn’t say no. Not only because he thought JCC genuinely looked like a fun activity to do — and he always heard it from Mark every single time they met. It also meant more time with Johnny, more time seeing him, being close to him, more ways to make him laugh, and possibilities to hear him talk and just in general — more Johnny.
And Johnny’s train of thoughts looked similar. Johnny loved being around Ten, he was like a breath of fresh air, he was the sunshine that made Johnny smile when its sunlight hit his face. That’s what he was to Johnny — Ten was his personal ray of sunshine. His sun. Johnny was addicted, and he was so happy when he found out Ten could join JCC’s next episode, but the one thing that bothered him — the trip — the real one — was yet to happen. While goofing around like this was hilarious and nice and Johnny was sure the fans would love it, he really wanted to show Ten the city from his perspective — all the amazing aspects of the place he once called home, he wanted to share every bit of himself with Ten. That included taking him to Chicago one day.
Now Johnny lifted himself up, supporting his weight on his right arm as he laid on his side so he could look at Ten whose curiosity was now written all over his face.
“First we would go to my house so you can meet my parents.” Johnny stated. “I’d show you around, you would get to see my childhood room and all the pictures my mother would leave on the display for you to see.” Ten giggled at that and Johnny swore that this was the sound he was ready to listen to for the rest of his life. “We would eat lunch prepared by my mom, then we would go for a walk around my neighborhood. I’d show you all the places where I used to play with my friends. Then we would take my car and we would go buy some snacks for the evening. I’d show you around the city because Chicago at night has THE view.”Johnny smiled at the thought of Ten walking around and just looking everywhere with utmost curiosity and excitement, as he would try to look at as many things as possible all at once. Johnny knew Ten had been to Chicago before, but he also knew that Ten would still be as excited to see everything, whether for the first time or not. And Johnny would be as happy to show him everything around.
Johnny looked down at Ten’s face admiring all the shapes that met his sight and stopped as he reached Ten’s eyes. Ten was just looking back at him, thinking of everything that was said, and he wished for it to come true.
“Later in the evening though,” Johnny started, and Ten changed his position so that he now mirrored Johnny
—
he was lying on the side, his body weight supported by his left arm, amused smile directed at him. They were so close, Ten could feel Johnny’s hot breath on his face as he let out a short laugh and Johnny could see the sparkling eyes suggesting Ten’s engagement in the story. “Yes?” Ten asked happily, and after Johnny cleared his throat he just continued, “We would take my car again, and I’d drive us in suburbs, or maybe a park
—
just some open area. We would stargaze if the weather would let us, and we would just sit there. Just the two of us.” At that Johnny’s eyes softened as his gaze followed Ten’s facial features, eyes lingering at his smiling lips for a little longer before he went back to his eyes ”I'd take your hand and kiss you under the stars,” Johnny whispered, afraid that if he spoke any louder his dream would never come into reality., This was a thin line he was walking on right now, and Johnny was well aware of it. But he couldn’t help himself, Ten was so close to him, that he could see the moles around his eye. He was just a few inches away, close enough for Johnny to kiss. It felt so intimate he couldn’t help himself but to have his honest moment with him. Another thing was that they usually did this when drunk so it was easier to blame it on alcohol. But this time Johnny said it completely sober.
Ten just stared at him, his heart beating faster and lips parted but no sound came out of them, his eyes were staring right back at Johnny as if he was making sure he really did hear that.
“I would take you in my arms and never ever let go of you and I would just hope that you wouldn’t want to let go either.” Johnny ended and this time his eyes looked elsewhere, Ten on the other hand kept his gaze on Johnny’s face, slowly absorbing everything that has been said. They had kissed before — a lot of times — but they would just blame it on the fact that loneliness sometimes got the best out of them. They always said that whatever happened was nothing serious. No strings attached. But it’s been a few years since that first time and neither of them dared to speak that their feelings changed. Ten never heard Johnny saying such a wish out loud before, this craving they had for each other’s presence, never seemed like a confession before, and Ten’s heart skipped a beat hearing such a beautiful scene that unfolded in his friend’s mind.
Although Johnny being his ‘friend’ wasn’t exactly the word he would use. Mark was his friend, for example, sure. But Johnny? Johnny was his… something. Johnny was the need, the want, the desire that never came to be real. Because there was always something that held them both back. But Ten wished Johnny would be something more. Someone more special. But as brave as he was, he would not dare to speak his thoughts right now — it felt like they were walking on thin ice, somewhere in between casual dreaming and serious conversation. Somewhere between what they were and what they could be. Somewhere that Ten wasn’t ready to dive in just yet.
“You really think we would be invisible, huh?” He asked instead, fake humor in his voice, but he was still afraid that his fast-beating heart was about to give him away.
“A boy can dream,” Johnny answered simply, looking back at Ten with a hint of a smile. “But I’d have more chances to just show you off a bit.” He added.
There was an unnamed look in Ten’s eyes, the one that Johnny could not simply describe but also the one that told him more things than words ever could. The one that said these were the things Ten wanted too, but he also wasn't sure they could make it happen; the type of expression that made Johnny’s heart hurt a little because not even Ten’s usual positive attitude could help him imagine this dream becoming reality. So instead of saying anything Ten just smiled, a smile that didn’t really reach his eyes at the very moment. “What else would we do?” He asked and laid down again, closing his eyes this time as if he wanted a better way to imagine and see everything Johnny had to say. And Johnny just wanted to kiss him, he wanted to put his arms around Ten and hold him close, but instead, he only laid next to Ten, his eyes still locked on Ten’s face and with a sigh, he only continued, not pushing Ten to have the emotional talk.
“We of course would eat Chicago pizza. I can’t let you skip that.” Johnny watched as Ten’s lips twitched as the boy was fighting a smile.
“Yeah? Interesting choice of place to take me on our first date,” Ten said with a lowered voice, and Johnny had to act like his heart didn’t just do a flip in his chest.
“If that’s the case, then we would see anything you want. Art galleries, museums, anything. Where you go I will follow.” Ten looked at him, a soft gaze that made Johnny smile immediately. C an I kiss you? was his thought that he was not able to speak out, they just looked at each other instead, not knowing for how many minutes.
There was this invisible barrier that would not let them speak their feelings out loud — not all of them at least — Johnny at this point couldn’t tell who initiated it anymore, or who kept blocking who more, maybe they were both used to the longing so much than now they just didn’t do anything? Or they do enough just to not scare the other off. Just some gentle gestures like the light touch of their hands or brushing off the invisible dust of each other’s clothes, or maybe fixing hair with their hand on other’s face for a while longer than it should be there. Johnny was so used to longing after Ten, he wasn’t even sure when it all started.
But instead of voicing any of his feelings out, Johnny talked about Chicago and where they would go, step by step he introduced to Ten every single tourist destination he could think of, every funny story he had about certain places, and the bigger Ten’s smile was getting the more Johnny talked, just to make sure that smile would never disappear. Ten giggled at the stories and listened attentively to everything that Johnny had to say, from time to time mentioning something he also wanted to see just for Johnny to immediately agree to that idea and adding it to their invisible ‘places to visit’ list., They enjoyed talking about the places they imagined seeing together because this was easier — planning a trip that they weren’t sure would ever happen was easier than talking about the tension in the air that was there just a few minutes ago. Maybe one day — Johnny thought — they would be more than whatever they were now.
Ten cleared his throat pulling Johnny out of his thoughts and back to reality
“We could go to Thailand next,” Ten started simply, something mysterious in his eyes.
“Really?”
“Yeah. You would meet my family. Then I’d show you around,” Ten said and seated himself not looking at Johnny anymore., There was a tone in his voice that seemed like he was nervous about something. “There is this place not so far from my house that I like, we would go there.” Ten whispered, his eyes still locked on his palms, Johnny mirrored his position feeling nervous all of sudden, but also curious as to what Ten has yet to say.
“And?” Johnny asked, trying to make Ten look at him but he was unsuccessful.
“And I- I would hope you’d kiss me because the view would be breathtaking and there is no better place to be kissed by someone I care so much about.” There was a silence when Ten finished speaking. Johnny’s heart felt as if it was about to fly out of his chest as he was staring at Ten.
Ten, who now looked back at him with an unsure smile and eyes that looked hopeful, a look that Johnny often felt when he spent his time with Ten.
“You mean it?” Johnny’s eyes still fixed on Ten as the younger stared back sending him a more confident smile.
“Of course I do,” was all he said. “Isn’t it what we both want? To be free and to-” Ten didn’t finish his thought but Johnny had a vague idea of what could the word be, or what he hoped was what Ten wanted to say. Together? Is that what you mean? Is this the long-awaited confession Johnny wanted?
*****
Johnny was back in his dorm. All by himself as Donghyuck was having some dream-related schedules, which led to Johnny having more time to think all alone. Luckily no one bothered him, all the members in their own business. The words Ten said to him still rang in his head like a magic spell that was supposed to curse him into thinking only about one sentence. Or rather lack of it. Because Johnny never found out what that was Ten wanted, just as the boy was about to speak again, his manager walked in the room making them both jump as far away from each other as possible. The manager said that it was their time to go, and all Johnny got from Ten was just quick goodbye as he was leaving the room in a hurry. Clearly embarrassed to be caught in such a moment.
Johnny groaned as he fell down onto his bed, head hidden in his hands as he remembered that apologetic look from his manager as they were leaving.
This was the one manager that knew quite a lot and Johnny trusted him so he couldn’t be angry at him because of that interruption in such an important moment.
But part of him felt somewhat grateful too. Grateful because what if Johnny was wrong and it wasn’t what Ten wanted to say? What if friendship — or friends with benefits — was all that Ten wanted? What if Johnny got it all wrong and Ten wasn’t going to take another step? Johnny rolled over with a loud groan sitting on the edge of his bed and reached for his phone. Johnny wasn’t one to beat around the bush. He was straightforward.
But he was also scared of losing Ten, he was scared of not only losing his best friend — his soulmate — but also that important piece of his heart that belonged only to Ten. Ten was such a big, important part of his life. Johnny couldn’t risk losing him.
So he just sat there trying to calm down for a few more minutes, his finger hovering over the messaging app, and he was just thinking. Was he ready to ask? Was he ready to find out the truth?
Or would he be fine with secrets meet-ups and the possibility that Ten found something better and eventually would leave? Maybe not literally leave — they would still be friends — but was Johnny ready to see Ten with someone else? Was he ready to think about Ten only as a best friend? Most importantly, was Johnny ready to listen to Ten talking about him falling in love with someone who wasn’t Johnny?
The answer was no. That was not what he wanted. Johnny wanted every part of Ten. The good and the bad. The happy and sad. Johnny wanted to be able to hold him in his arms, kiss every inch of his body and make love to him for hours, and stay by his side. Johnny couldn’t have it any other way. Johnny wanted Ten as a whole, all his aspects.
He wanted Ten.
Just how the hell was he supposed to tell him that?
*****
[10:46pm] Me:
Tennie?
[10:46pm] Tennie:
Yeah?
[10:47pm] Me:
What did you want to tell me earlier?
Before we got interrupted.
[10:48pm] Tennie:
Oh.
I actually don’t remember :)
[10:48pm] Me:
Ten.
[10:48pm] Tennie:
What? I really don’t…
[10:49pm] Me:
Okay.
I will say something then. You just listen. Okay?
[10:50pm] Tennie:
Alright…
[10:54pm] Me:
I like you, Ten.
And I don’t mean like ‘best friend’ type of way.
I mean I really like you.
Kissing you is my favorite type of activity in my spare time.
Holding you close to me feels like I have my whole world right next to me.
I want to be able to touch you in not some “friendship” way.
I want to be able to travel with you not as friends but as more.
Lovers, boyfriends, soulmates. Name it whatever.
I want to go everywhere with you.
And I want to love you, and I want to be able to tell you this
and anyone around who will be willing to listen.
Because I love you. And I want you to be mine.
So if we will have this trip where we meet each other’s parents
and see places where we grew up. Let’s do this as boyfriends.
[10:59pm] Me:
You can say something now. You know?
In fact, I’d appreciate it because I’m about to go insane.
[11:00pm] Me:
I’m sorry if I crossed the line…
[11:01pm] Tennie:
let’s do this.
[11:01pm] Me:
What?
[11:02pm] Tennie:
Traveling, hand-holding, kissing.
being boyfriends.
Let’s do this.
I’m in.
I want all that too.
I want you too.
Johnny couldn’t contain his happiness. He just kept reading the last sentence over and over again, a bigger and bigger smile spreading on his face. It was like something opened inside his chest and spread throughout his body like a waterfall. Johnny felt warmth, happiness, and love filling up his body.
When another notification popped up Johnny realized that it had been a few minutes since Ten’s message, but instead of texting him, he just called. Johnny waited for a few signals, and when he finally heard Ten’s voice he couldn’t help but smile. They both laughed shyly. And then Ten continued talking about Thailand and all the places he remembered and where they could go to, and Johnny just listened attentively, his heart beating happily.
They just continued to talk over the next hour, happily planning and dreaming, and with each of Ten’s giggles over the phone, Johnny’s heart just felt warmer and bigger, because yes this was what both of them wanted, and it would become true just like the fact that Ten wanted to be called his. So they just talked and laughed about nothing and everything.
They couldn’t predict what the future held for them but for now, they weren’t planning to care about that.
And it was only the beginning of a new chapter for them.
Something new and beautiful.
And the two of them could go through it together now.