Archive of Our Own

Apricity, the warmth of the sun in winter. The word sounds nice when it rolls off the tip of the tongue, but Beomgyu has never liked winter.

He has never felt the warm touch of the sun on his skin in the months where everything was grey.

He doesn't know if he ever will.

January

The cold wind bit at Beomgyu’s cheeks, turning them a light shade of pink. He lifted his scarf up how to his nose, fog following his escaping breath as he let out a sigh. He brought his eyes to the sky, it was filled with thick clouds, heavy with the snow they refused to let out.

Beomgyu hated the winter. It was cold, bitter, and ugly—everything was just another shade of white or grey. Beomgyu believed that winter was angry at how awful it was, so angry, that it felt the need to take it out on everyone else. It forced everyone else into its misery, so that it wouldn’t have to go through it alone. Beomgyu thought winter was selfish, and Beomgyu knew a thing or two about being selfish.

He weaved his way through the clumps of people on the sidewalk, checking his phone at every corner, peaking his eyes up, making sure not to bump into anyone. Soobin had mentioned a cafe the other day when they were in their university’s library. Beomgyu couldn’t stand the library, it was too quiet. Soobin was in his fourth semester while Beomgyu was in his second.

Beomgyu stared at his phone. It read the word Arrived.

He looked at the shop in front of him. There was a white neon sign that sat at the top of the door, the light reflecting off of the snow. He opened the door and let himself in, the soft chime of a bell ringing, signaling that someone had stepped in. He tapped his wet boots against the carpet, the aroma of coffee beans filling his nose along with the gentle smell of pie.

The cafe was small, only a few tables were spread throughout the open space and a counter along the window. The light from the large window leaked into the cafe, spilling over the tables, strayed crumbs lingering on the surface. Soft music playing from the mini speakers hanging in the corner of the walls mixed with the sound of light chatter. Beomgyu made his way to the counter, eyes scanning through the menu, delicately curved letters handwritten in chalk.

“Hi, what can I get started for you?” a girl’s voice caught his attention.

“I’ll have an iced americano, please,” He turned his attention to her, hand reaching into his pocket to pull out his wallet.

“Will that be all?” she didn’t look up from the tablet.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Beomgyu grabbed his coffee from the counter, the sound of clinking filling his ears as he dropped coins into the perfectly placed tip jar resting next to the cash register. He made his way to the long counter by the window at the front of the shop, taking a seat on one of the wooden stools. He pulled out his laptop, sipping his americano as he waited for the eternal welcome screen to load. He let out a breath, digging into his bag to grab his pencil case.

Beomgyu was a music major. Music to him was like eating; he didn’t need to look for his mouth, his hand just knew where to go. Beomgyu saw music in everything, he could hear singing in the wind, drums in the tap of people’s feet, the rain like a piano. It was everywhere. But lately, the sound was dying out, it was a soft hum in the back of his mind. It was getting quiet and Beomgyu hated the quiet.

The murky sky darkened as the hours passed. Beomgyu hadn’t noticed the yellow lights of the streetlamps filling the room as the natural light from the outside world seeped away. He didn’t even notice the blond stranger who took the seat at the other end of the long table, who munched at his cherry danish, his own americano in hand. Beomgyu tapped away on his keyboard, hitting the spacebar, sound starting and cutting through his headphones.

“Ah shit, do you have a napkin?”

Beomgyu frowned at his laptop, the beat was off.

“Uh, hello? Excuse me?”

Beomgyu glanced at the intruding voice, blond hair catching his eye, only then did he realize he was being spoken to.

“I’m sorry what?” He brought the headphones down to his neck.

“Do you have a napkin?” There were crumbs stuck at the corner of the stranger’s mouth.

Beomgyu took in his blond hair that fell short in the front, framing his face, but grew long in the back. A coffee stain was growing on his white shirt. Beomgyu’s eyes scanned the boy’s face. He had dark brown eyes, raised brows, and round puffy cheeks that complimented his full pink lips that were pouted in a question. Beomgyu thought the stranger was handsome, but a little bit of a mess. He searched around his set-up, his eyes falling on a white napkin, “Yeah, here.”

“Thanks.” the stranger took the napkin from his hand.

Beomgyu gave him a small smile and turned his attention to his phone,

[Soobin, 4:05pm]

Hey, want to get ice cream with Kai?

Hello?

HELLOOOOOO

BEOMGYU!?

His smile turned into a frown, as he pressed the call button, shoving his laptop into his bag.

“Hello?” Soobin’s voice filled his ears.

“Hello?” Beomgyu mocked. “You couldn’t just call? I would’ve answered faster.”

“Whatever.” Soobin brushed him off. “Anyways, you down? I’m meeting Kai at six.”

Soobin was Beomgyu’s longest friend. They met during a random, pointless assembly in elementary. Or that’s what Soobin says, Beomgyu doesn’t remember when they met, it was as if Soobin had always been there—in his life.

Beomgyu checked the time; 4:38pm. “Yeah okay, I’ll come. I’m not home though, can I just go to your’s now?”

“Sure. Where are you?”

Beomgyu searched around the table, looking for something, where is it?

“At the cafe you mentioned,” he said as he ruffled through his bag, searching the space around him.

His eyes met with the blond, who’s own eyes quickly darted away as they burned into his. That’s when Beomgyu noticed the once white napkin, now filled with splotches of brown. The ends tore as the liquid broke down its walls, rendering it defenseless against the surface of the wooden table. He sighed.

“Oh, you took my advice,” Soobin’s voice sounded again.

“Yeah Soobin, I’ll see you in a few,” Beomgyu answered quickly, hanging up and shoving his phone in his pocket. He looked over at the boy, whose attention was set on his phone, the light from the screen shining against his face. He took a breath and poked him gently, trying to get his attention.

“Um,” he started, the stranger turning to look at him, he raised a brow. God was this awkward. Who the fuck asks for a napkin back? He sucked in the pride he had “Can I have that napkin back?” Beomgyu pointed to the crumpled and soaked napkin.

“This napkin?” The boy held it up with the tips of two of his fingers, grabbing the only dry end of the decaying paper.

“Yes, exactly.” Beomgyu smiled. His muscles hurt.

“It’s used though…” The boy trailed off, glancing between the napkin and Beomgyu.

“Right, but I actually wrote something on it, so I need it back” Beomgyu couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. This was mortifying.

The boy unfolded the napkin, eyes running along the ink leaked words, “What is it? Some type of secret language?”

“No, they’re chords. For the guitar,” he explained.

The boy opened his mouth in a silent ‘ah’ and went over to the counter to grab a new napkin, “here,” he handed it to him.

Beomgyu took the napkin with a smile and looked through his pencil case, grabbing a pen. He scribbled down the cords,

“Why didn’t you just write them in your phone though? Like, notes app…”

Beomgyu’s grip on the pen tightened, “I didn’t think of it?” He pulled his hand away and capped it. “Why did you give me a napkin then?”

Yeonjun shrugged and smiled, “I guess I didn’t think of it either,”

The boy was weird, and making the situation a lot more awkward than it already was. Beomgyu didn’t need the added layer of conversation over the already embarrassing situation. He shoved the napkin into his bag along with his pen. He headed towards the door, not giving the stranger a chance to witness him in all his embarrassment. “Thanks.” He said, stepping out into the darkness of the night, leaving behind the brightly lit cafe, the faint sound of a chime calling him as he walked towards the bus stop.

The three boys sat at a table, spoons deep into their cups, ice cream leaking over the edge as it slowly melted. Kai sat next to Soobin, his cup filled with two flavours, mint chocolate and cotton candy.

Beomgyu thought it fit him well, the bright color of blue mixed with pink matched his overflowing laughter that his body could barely contain. The gentle mint green complimented the feeling of his warm hugs and belly rubs. It was fresh, and although it was cold, it melted on your tongue, filling you with the sensation of being cared for. Kai was in his last year of highschool, Beomgyu had met him there. He can still remember when Soobin had introduced him to their little duo. He often gave tours for new students.

Kai was shorter then, and he had a big black backpack that was always overflowing. He was nervous and quiet at first, he would often stumble on his words. Nothing like the Kai Beomgyu knew now. The Kai he knew now was loud, and bright. He could make anyone laugh.

Beomgyu was staring at his cup of vanilla when a loud sound filled his ears, causing him to jump. He could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand, his shoulders up to his ears, “What the fuck, Kai!?”

The Kai Beomgyu knew now was also kind of a brat.

Kai’s hands rested next to Beomgyu’s ears, “You were totally zoned out, thought we lost you for a second there.” He sat back down in his seat, hands moving back to his cup.

Beomgyu shook his head, shoving a spoonful of his soupy ice cream into his mouth.

“So...what did you think of the cafe?” Soobin asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin. The gesture brought a smirk to Beomgyu’s face. “What? Why are you making that face?”

“It’s nothing, it’s nothing,” Beomgyu shook his head. “The cafe was fine, it was nice. I managed to get some work done. Way better than the stupid library.”

Kai pointed his spoon to Soobin, dripping some ice cream onto the table, “That cafe we went to? With the good smoothies?”

“Yes, that cafe.”

“Kai, how was school, wasn’t too bad without me?” Beomgyu asked, the corner of his mouth raising along with a brow.

“I have friends other than you two, I hope you know that”

“Like who? Don’t lie to us,” Soobin interjected, making Beomgyu laugh and Kai scowl.

Beomgyu knew Kai was perfectly fine without them. Last year, when it was just Kai and Beomgyu left after Soobin had graduated, Beomgyu watched Kai pull away from the huddle of people he’d walk into the cafeteria with. He’d join him at their usual table at the back. Beomgyu never asked for Kai to sit with him, he didn’t need to. Kai would follow the two boys to the end of the universe without either of them having to utter a single word. Or maybe Beomgyu just liked to believe that. Now, as Beomgyu sat there, watching Soobin tease the youngest, he smiled.

“Taehyun. You both know that.”

Beomgyu did know. He was part of the crowd that Kai would pull away from. Sometimes he’d join them for lunch, he’d even join them a few times for their ice cream sessions.

“Aw, c’mon Kai, you know we just tease you cause we love you,” Beomgyu reached over and ruffled Kai’s hair, the strands tangling in between his long fingers.

“Love me less then,” he swatted Beomgyu’s fingers away.

Beomgyu sat on his bed strumming his guitar. The light of the full moon overflowed, spilling into his room, shining onto his bed, coating his skin like liquid glass. A white napkin sat at his feet, letters written in black ink, Beomgyu smiled.

His stomach full from his outings, he sighed a wishful sigh. A sigh that took the tension of his lungs filling with air and replaced them with emptiness that begged to be filled.

He softly started to hum, a tune he’d never heard before, a tune that had been playing in his head ever since he left the cafe. The sound of guitar filled his room as he stared out the window.

Beomgyu wondered if the stars were able to hear him, and if they could, were they dancing? Was their twinkle a twinkle just for him? A sign of cheer, that he had an audience? That despite sitting in his bedroom door shut tight in the dark, in the warmth of his pyjamas, he was being heard?

Beomgyu scoffed at the thought and put his guitar on the floor. He crawled into the sheets of his bed. The cold of his untouched pillow kissed his skin. He splayed himself out, letting the feeling move throughout his body, gripping him in a hug, only for it to be ripped away by the heat radiating off of his skin.

He closed his eyes, falling asleep to the air conditioner’s interlude.

Beomgyu and Soobin stood at the bus stop. Soobin was wearing a long overcoat, a black hoodie underneath. He left his jacket open. While Beomgyu left his closed, making sure not to let in any of the cold. They were on their way to meet Kai at the cafe after classes.

The bus ride was long, traffic was always bad at that hour. Beomgyu didn’t mind, he put on his headphones and listened to music. He always played his music low when he was on the bus, low enough to still be able to hear the whining of the bus doors being pulled away, calling for each other as though they may never be rejoined.

Beomgyu relied on the little certainties in life. No matter how many people pressed the button, causing a ding to fill the bus, the doors would always find eachother again.

“I love watching people on busses,” Soobin’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“Stalker,” he glanced over at Soobin with a smirk.

Beomgyu felt Soobin’s palm connect with this arm. “No, idiot. I mean just looking at them. Like, they all have places to go. It’s fun to guess where they’re going, what kind of life they’re living. Imagine people looking at us, they probably think we’re good friends going to hang out, maybe at one of our houses, or maybe we’re part of a band. You could be the dark and mysterious guitarist” Soobin nudged the guitar in between Beomgyu’s legs. “Maybe I’m a pianist or a singer.”

Beomgyu put a hand on Soobin’s shoulder, and one on his chest. He feigned a deep look, “Oh my god, you’re so right. They’re so much more than just strangers, they have lives.”

Soobin stared at him, deadpanned. He wasn’t amused.

Beomgyu pulled away, rolling his eyes. “Just admit it; you like staring at people on busses.”

“I’m literally not going to have this conversation with you because I know you won’t even try to understand it,” Soobin crossed his arms.

“I understand perfectly fine! You’re just a little weird, it’s okay. You’re allowed,” Beomgyu put a hand on his shoulder, “I’m here for you bro.”

Soobin looked out the bus window, “How far away are we? I want to be set free.”

Beomgyu laughed, hitting the red button and standing, “It’s our stop.”

The cafe was more crowded than usual, Beomgyu barely heard the chime as he pushed open the door. Kai was already sitting at a table, he had his books out and he was scribbling something down. Beomgyu and Soobin walked over, placing their things on the floor and taking a seat. Kai looked up at them and smiled, “Hm...wasn’t I supposed to meet you?”

“Sorry, traffic was hell,” Soobin said, pulling out his laptop. “Did you get something already?”

Kai shook his head.

“One of us should order for everyone instead of us all getting up,” Soobin said, both him and Kai turning their heads to Beomgyu.

Beomgyu looked at the both of them, a frown on his face “Unbelievable.”

Soobin straightened his back, defensively, “I paid for the ice cream.”

They both turned to Kai, blinking,“You were both late, I had to wait all by myself. ME.” He put a hand to his chest, “A poor highschool student, a young boy! Imagine how I felt, arriving to find out my two best friends weren’t even here. What if I left, thinking you abandoned me? But no, I stayed-”

“-Yeah okay I get it, I’ll go,” Beomgyu stood from his seat. “Brat” he whispered under his breath.

Beomgyu waited in line, Soobin having texted him their orders. A glare was shot their way when he got a second text, asking for cake. He looked up from his phone as the person in front of him moved away. His eyes were met with familiar ones.

“Hi, what can I- oh hi,” the blond’s voice started, as he noticed the new person in line.

Beomgyu noticed the name tag sitting nicely on the boy’s brown apron, Yeonjun. Beomgyu looked back up to the boy’s face, the longer strands in the front pulled back, in a half up half down look. There’s a difference between embarrassing yourself in front of a stranger and embarrassing yourself in front of someone you’ll see again. When Beomgyu left the cafe that night, he didn’t expect to see the blond standing at the counter in a coffee shop.

“You work here,” was all he managed to say.

“Yep…” his lips made a popping sound, “What can I get for you?”

Beomgyu looked at his phone and stumbled for words, “Right um, two tropical smoothies, oh right and a piece of chocolate cake.”

Yeonjun nodded, tapping his Ipad, “Friends of yours?”

“What?” Beomgyu tilted his head.

“There’s two guys staring at you, and you don’t seem the type to order a smoothie.”

Beomgyu puffed his chest, “I drink smoothies.”

Yeonjun let out a soft laugh. Beomgyu guessed that Yeonjun laughed a lot, he had a laugh so free and clear, it wasn’t afraid to jump off the white walls of the cafe, it wasn’t escaping him, it was taking a walk, it was a part of him, not something kept away in the depths of his chest. Beomgyu felt his embarrassment from the other day wash away like a summer rain. “So they aren’t for your friends?”

“No, they are,” Beomgyu’s shoulders dropped.

“Alright then, and what will you be having?” Yeonjun cleared his throat, reeling his laughter back in, a smile still lingered on his lips.

“An iced americano.”

“No cake?” he grinned, struggling to keep a straight face.

“I’m starting to regret giving you my napkin.”

“Not a cake person, noted,” Yeonjun tapped a few more things on his tablet, “Can I have a name?” Yeonjun looked up again.

“You do that here?”

“No. I just want to know the name of the guy who so kindly gave me his napkin and then proceeded to ask for it back,” He gave him a toothy grin.

He frowned, “It’s Beomgyu.”

Yeonjun smiled, “Your total is thirty-one fifty, Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu walked back to his table, a drink tray in hand, struggling to hold everything. Soobin stood up, going to grab the cake, “You took long.”

“Just shut up and eat your cake,” Beomgyu said, taking his seat back at the table.

That wasn’t the last time Beomgyu saw Yeonjun. It had become a part of Beomgyu’s schedule to go to the cafe after his classes.

At first, Beomgyu would be greeted with an oh, it’s you. And to that Beomgyu would awkwardly smile and nod, then order his coffee.

Then he was greeted with heys and then the usual? Until one day Beomgyu walked in, his bag slung over his shoulder. Yeonjun wasn’t behind the counter—no one was.

He took his seat deciding to order when a barista would appear. But Beomgyu never noticed someone walk back behind the counter and brew him his iced americano. No, one had appeared next to him, and when he had turned to see the hand which had brought it to him, he noticed a familiar blond.

“Hey,” Yeonjun spoke first, “The usual right?”

Beomgyu nodded, “Yeah, thanks.”

Yeonjun shook his head, tapping his hands against the side of his legs.

Beomgyu could take a hint, “Oh, take a seat.”

Yeonjun sat down and looked at his setup, “So, what do you do?”

“Oh, I’m doing stuff for class. I’m a music student,” Beomgyu explained.

“Cool! I’m a night student at the university down the block.”

“No way! That’s where I go.”

Beomgyu wondered if they had ever crossed paths. Had he passed Yeonjun as he walked out of the school, when Yeonjun had been walking in? Could people be so close and never know?

After that, Yeonjun would join Beomgyu when on his breaks. He would take his spot next to Beomgyu, bring him his coffee, and sit with him as he worked. Beomgyu had found a friend in Yeonjun.

Today, when Beomgyu walked into the tiny cafe, he was met with Yeonjun walking out. A bag on his back, hanging his apron at the back of the shop.

Beomgyu walked over, the counter separating them. “You’re done with your shift already?”

Yeonjun jumped, “Geez, you scared me.”

Beomgyu let out a burst of a laugh, “Sorry, so you’re not working?”

Yeonjun shook his head, “Nah, I finished early today.”

Beomgyu nodded, a swirl of disappointment growing in his stomach. He had started to look forward to coming to the cafe and sitting with Yeonjun. He’d even started to learn Yeonjun’s schedule, it was a pattern that was turning over and over again in his brain until it had stuck.

“Oh,” Beomgyu looked at his boots and kicked the counter gently. An idea started to form and his head shot up, “Hey, wanna hang out?” His voice came out loud, he lowered it when he spoke again, “Unless you’re busy…”

Yeonjun shook his head, “I’m not busy, what were you thinking?”

Beomgyu wasn’t good at thinking things through. He often acted on a whim. If he got an idea he rolled with it. He left it to future him to deal with it and future him nearly always hated himself for it. So Beomgyu hadn’t thought about what to do if Yeonjun had agreed.

This had left the two boys walking around aimlessly, side by side, shoulder to shoulder.

The wind was harsh as it blew past them, hitting their chests. But neither of them suggested going inside somewhere and taking a seat. There was something warm in their presences, maybe it was the way Yeonjun would pull Beomgyu close when the wind would push out a gust that felt too strong for Beomgyu to handle.

Another gust blew at them, and Yeonjun tugged on Beomgyu’s arm causing him to fall into his chest. Their faces were close and Beomgyu swallowed hard, the wind must’ve been blowing in his face cause he found it hard to take in his breaths.

“I won’t fly away you know,” Beomgyu pulled away from Yeonjun, taking his spot back at his side.

Yeonjun clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth in thought, “Well, you never know. You’re kinda small.”

Beomgyu felt his mouth pull downwards, “We’re basically the same height.”

Yeonjun pulled him onto a crosswalk, “But you're thin. You got no meat.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I’m not having this conversation.”

They turned the corner, they stumbled upon a set of stairs. The stairs were splashed with blue, orange, and white. The mixtures of colors formed a deep pond, the hues of blue asking Beomgyu to dip his toes into their painted waters, and so he did. Beomgyu placed his foot onto the first step. The puddle growing at the bottom of his boot soaking into his socks made it all too real.

“They’re Koi fish,” he heard Yeonjun say behind him.

Beomgyu turned his attention to the blond boy, who sat, delicately perched on the first step, eyes glued to the painted orange and white colors of the swimming fish.

They were spread across the steps, swimming towards each other. They were painted so that even on a cloudy, grey day like today, the sun would reflect off their scales. A shimmer in the dullness of winter.

"Pretty..." Beomgyu heard Yeonjun mumble.

Beomgyu quickly jumped down the steps, he faced the stairs and took out his phone. Yeonjun started to stand.

“No wait, sit back down,” Beomgyu waved a hand down, motioning for him to sit.

Yeonjun brought himself back down, “The water is soaking through my jacket and onto my ass.”

“Shut up and let me take a picture.”

Yeonjun kept his mouth shut and rearranged his limbs, posing for the camera. Beomgyu stared at the mini Yeonjun on the screen. He took in his long legs, the way his long jacket enclosed on his body making him look taller than he already was. Yeonjun was a natural model, he knew the way his body looked and worked with it.

Beomgyu took the picture, “Okay all good, you can get up now.”

Beomgyu didn’t wait for him before continuing to walk.

“Heyheyhey wait,” Yeonjun called after him. Beomgyu turned to face him, “Your turn.”

Beomgyu didn’t move as Yeonjun bounced down the stairs, “Go, i’ll take your picture.”

His hair was a little dishevelled and his breath was coming out quick from racing down the stairs. Yeonjun nudged Beomgyu with his hip, pulling out his phone. Beomgyu let out a sigh and made his way up the steps, turning to face him.

Beomgyu felt awkward, he didn’t know what to do with his arms or his legs. He wasn’t like Yeonjun, he couldn’t sit down and look perfect. He fidgeted, unable to stay still.

“You’re not supposed to move,” Yeonjun said, sighing as he waited for Beomgyu to settle in a pose.

“Sorry, I just- I don’t know what to do with my body,” Beomgyu held his hands together, playing with his fingers.

“Nothing, just stand, throw a peace sign—literally anything.”

Beomgyu sighed and brought his hand to his face, holding up to fingers in a peace sign, plastering a smile. Yeonjun quickly took the picture before Beomgyu could move again.

“Perfect.”

Beomgyu made his way down the stairs, handing his phone to Yeonjun, “Gimme your number so I can send you the pictures.”

Yeonjun took the phone. Beomgyu watched him, he watched the hair fall in front of his eyes. And he watched him as he blew the strands away just for them to fall back. Beomgyu found Yeonjun handsome, in every essence of the word.

He could imagine Soobin calling him 'hot' but the word seemed too strong for Yeonjun. Right now, eyes focused on a screen hair in his face, he was still life, he was gentle, he was handsome.

Beomgyu caught himself staring and started walking ahead.

The boys continued to walk through the streets, the walls covered with different art pieces. They stopped at every single one—per Yeonjun’s request. Beomgyu found himself overwhelmed with all the colors, it was like staring at a light for too long and suddenly looking away. Just as Beomgyu was about to open his mouth, Yeonjun spoke,

“Hey, look!”

Beomgyu looked towards what Yeonjun was pointing at. It was a painted cartoonish looking character on a concrete wall. It had the word Hello contained inside a speech bubble. Handwritten notes written all around by passersby. Yeonjun looked at Beomgyu and smiled, “Pen please.”

Beomgyu’s legs were aching, his head hurt and he could feel his stomach eating itself. But something about Yeonjun’s smile and the way his eyes got lost in his cheeks left Beomgyu reaching into his bag, searching for a pen.

He handed the blond a black sharpie. “If you write ‘I was here’ or something, I’ll be greatly disappointed.”

Yeonjun grabbed the pen, making his way over, delicately writing something down on the wall. Beomgyu watched as he scrawled a series of numbers down.

201115. It was the date.

“Technically, I was here though,” Yeonjun added, handing the marker back.

Beomgyu was sitting at their usual table, Kai and Soobin at the other end. Taehyun had come too with Kai after school. Both Kai and Taehyun were scratching random equations away in their notebooks. Soobin and Beomgyu both violently typing away on their laptops. Soobin was a languages major.

Beomgyu had a half eaten cookie next to him that he had abandoned in order to focus on his paper on musical theory, the deadline riding up on his ass. Beomgyu let out a croak as he searched through pages of his notes, “Where’s that one thing about the thing!”

Soobin snorted, “I told you not to leave the paper till the last minute, now look at you. Barely even able to form a sentence. Here take a sip of your coffee, fortification,” Soobin pointed the straw of Beomgyu’s americano towards his lips.

Although Beomgyu wanted to fight, he didn’t. He reached for the straw with his tongue, pulling it into his mouth, taking a sip, still skimming through pages. “Yeah well past me thought it was something to leave to future me and now present me is fucking pissed at past me for not being able to take down fucking notes properly. This sentence doesn’t even make fucking sense!”

“Woah there Tiger, take a breather.”

A familiar voice filled Beomgyu’s ears, the sound of a chair scraping against the floor following. Yeonjun plopped down in the seat next to him, Beomgyu shooting his head up to look at the blond.

Soobin and Kai looked at each other, their brows furrowed.

“Soobin, Kai, Taehyun this is Yeonjun. Yeonjun, Soobin and Kai,” Beomgyu said, sipping at his drink, a free hand pointing at each person.

“Smoothie boys? No, you’re new,” Yeonjun nodded over at Taehyun, his eyes falling over to the half-eaten cookie sitting comfortably on Beomgyu’s plate.

Beomgyu noticed Yeonjun’s enticed eyes. The corner of his mouth turned up and he gently pushed the cookie towards the barista. “Do you want it? I’m full.”

“You sure?”

Beomgyu went back to his laptop, “I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t.”

Yeonjun grabbed the cookie and broke a piece off, shoving it into his mouth. Beomgyu smiled going back to his laptop. He watched from the corner of his eye as a soft smile spread on Yeonjun’s lips.

Beomgyu loved the sight of Yeonjun eating. It was the sparkle in his eyes, the way his body would sway side to side in a little dance, the little smile on his lips. It was something he noticed during the first few times Yeonjun had sat with him.

It started when Yeonjun was eating his dinner, it was just ramen but he ate it as if it were his last meal. He had let the tastes linger on his tongue. And the look on his face...

Joy, it was pure joy, and it was contagious. It was the look he was wearing now, and it made Beomgyu’s tongue poked the inside of his cheek as Yeonjun brushed the crumbs off his apron and looked back up at Soobin and Kai.

“Did you four meet in uni?” Yeonjun asked.

Kai shook his head, “No, we’re still in highschool,” he pointed between him and Taehyun, “and that’s where we met.”

Yeonjun’s mouth fell into an ‘O’ shape, “That makes more sense, you don’t look like you’re old enough to be in uni, you still have that glow.”

Taehyun smiled and grabbed Kai, “I don’t think he’ll ever lose that glow. That’s just Kai.”

Beomgyu agreed, Kai didn’t glow because he hadn’t seen the hardships of the world yet, Kai glowed because he was the cause of the light. He was the first spark in the making of a fire, he was the adjusting of the eyes in the dark. Beomgyu wanted to put him in a lantern and carry him around.

Taehyun glowed too, it was just fainter than Kai’s, it was being hidden. You had to search to find it, Beomgyu was still looking.

Beomgyu felt the delicate touch of Yeonjun’s gaze on his skin, only for a rough arm to wrap around his neck, “Did Beomgyu lose his glow?”

Soobin let out a loud “HA!” and Beomgyu frowned, “Beomgyu’s never had a glow, he’s just dull”

Beomgyu tried not to take Soobin’s words to heart. He kicked Soobin’s chair “If I don’t have a glow it’s because it’s been sucked away by you, Leech.”

Soobin gasped, “Do you see the way I am treated by him? Ungrateful.”

Kai rolled his eyes and looked at Yeonjun, “So how did you even become friends with Beomgyu? It’s not your everyday thing to become friends with the barista at the cafe you visit...no offence.”

Yeonjun shook his head, “You’re fine. I actually met Beomgyu on my day off. I just asked him for a napkin, which he then asked for back…”

Beomgyu was tired of this story. He sighed, “Don’t make it weird.”

“The napkin was used.”

“We’ve established that I had written something on it! It’s not weird!”

Soobin shook his head, “Of course you’d do that”

“Leave me alone! I needed to write them down.”

“Ever heard of the notes app?” Soobin rolled his eyes.

“That’s what I said!” Yeonjun chimed in.

Beomgyu frowned, “Can’t believe I give you a cookie and you bully me, and you Soobin, are supposed to be my best friend.”

The room was dark. The only light came from a tiny laptop plopped against a stack of pillows. Two boys laying on their bellies in front of it, heads close together. It had been about two weeks since Beomgyu’s little day out with Yeonjun. He continued to visit the cafe with or without his friends to do homework. Yeonjun would sit with them when on his break. Sometimes they’d hang out outside of the cafe, with and without the others.

The sound of two phones buzzing pulled Beomgyu away from the laptop. He opened his phone, lowering the brightness as the harsh light stung his eyes. The light causing Soobin to nudge him, “Put that away, this is the best part and you’re missing it.”

Beomgyu nodded, “Just a second,” he let his eyes adjust. The banner of a text message on his homescreen, there was a text in the group chat.

[Barista, 12:05 am]

I have a day off tomorrow

You guys busy?

Soobin looked over Beomgyu’s shoulder, “Oh, you’re staying the night, right?”

Beomgyu nodded, “But we’re fine tomorrow, right?”

Soobin nodded, “Yeah, we’re free. Let him know for the afternoon, I don’t want to wake up early.”

[Kai, 12:06 am]

I’m free!

[You, 12:06 am]

Soob and I are free in the afternoon

[Taehyun, 12:07 am]

Tomorrow works for me

Beomgyu closed his phone and flipped it over, turning his attention back to the bright screen of the laptop. They were watching The Nightmare Before Christmas and Jack was in the middle of singing his lament in the graveyard.

He was stepping past the graves, dancing through the tombstones, climbing on hills, hoping that someone would hear his song. And someone did. Hidden away was Sally, listening to him.

Beomgyu heard it, he understood it, and he wished he didn’t.

He wondered if someone would ever hear his calls.

Beomgyu felt his eyes slowly growing heavy, his head falling against Soobin’s shoulder.

A cheek found itself on the top of his head, enclosing him in warmth like a blanket. Beomgyu smiled.

“Do you want me to turn off the movie?”

Beomgyu shook his head, “Nono, I’m awake.”

“I’m turning it off,” is what Soobin said instead.

Beomgyu didn’t fight back, he felt his head slip off of Soobin’s shoulder. His eyes opening as he caught himself. He watched Soobin close the laptop, delicately placing it on the floor and sliding under the covers, holding them up for Beomgyu to bring himself into the grasp of their warmth.

The two boys laid in the dark. Beomgyu’s eyes were closed, his eyes suddenly light. “Soobin?”

“Hm?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Weren’t you just falling asleep?” Beomgyu whined and moved closer to Soobin, “What are you doing?”

“You’re warm.”

“No, dude. I love you, but it’s way too hot,” he pushed him away.

Beomgyu frowned and moved back.

Beomgyu didn’t know how much time had passed. He heard the soft sounds of breathing next to him a tell-tale sign that Soobin was asleep. Beomgyu tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position. He felt too hot underneath the sheets and too cold out of them. Accepting that he wasn’t going to fall asleep, he grabbed his phone. The name Barista staring at him. Beomgyu’s thumb hovered over it. He checked the time at the top of his phone, 1:08 am.

[You, 1:08 am]

Are you up?

[Barista, 1:09 am]

I just got out of the shower

What’s up?

[You, 1:09 am]

Can’t sleep

[Barista, 1:09 am]

Aren’t you at Soobin’s?

[You, 1:10 am]

Yeah

He’s asleep

Beomgyu stared at the blue and grey on his phone. His tongue pushed at the inside of his cheek as his fingers hovered over deciding where to land on next to form a new word, a new thought. Beomgyu looked out the window again, the sky filled with the orange of streetlights. Soobin would hate it if he went alone,

[You, 1:11am]

Wanna go for a walk?

Beomgyu waited. He watched as the three little dots appeared and disappeared. His throat was tight as he waited. Why was he so nervous? Beomgyu never got an answer. His phone buzzed.

[Barista, 1:12 am]

Sure

Meet me near the school

As Beomgyu neared the tall gates of the university he saw a tall boy standing underneath a streetlight, phone in hand. The screen lighting up his face, Beomgyu recognized the shape of Yeonjun’s plump lips and the pointy tip of his nose. He was wearing a long overcoat, and a beanie over his hair, the ends glued down, wet from his shower. Beomgyu tugged on his sleeve,

“Hey,”

Yeonjun turned to him and smiled, the smile that Beomgyu didn’t think he could ever grow tired of. It was like the sun, warm. You missed it when it was away, and the time that you get with it is never enough.

“Oh hey.”

“Sorry for dragging you out so late.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Yeonjun brought an arm around Beomgyu’s shoulders and started walking, dragging him along.

Beomgyu looked up at Yeonjun, his eyes on the pathway in front of him. Beomgyu smiled, a warm feeling in his chest at their silence. Beomgyu didn’t like the quiet. No, it was one of the most frightening things in the world. But as they walked, the two of them, not a sound escaping their lips as the tapping of their footsteps filled the empty street. Beomgyu felt at ease.

They didn’t need to talk to fill the space between them, the space had been closed shut. It was tightly locked by the arm around Beomgyu’s shoulder, the brushing of their hips, the itching feeling in Beomgyu’s hands to pull Yeonjun’s arm away and lace his fingers with his in a way to say, here, right here. This is where we can lock away all our words and still have a thousand different conversations.

But Beomgyu didn’t dare. He just let himself continue to be pulled, because maybe he too, would walk off the face of the Earth if that’s where Yeonjun was going.

Beomgyu recognized the tall pillars of their university come into view once again, “Did we just walk in a circle?”

“Yeah,” it was the first thing Yeonjun had said since they had started walking.

Beomgyu nodded and stopped walking, Yeonjun’s hand falling from his shoulders.

“Thanks again. For coming out with me,” he looked back at Yeonjun, it was dark, but he was able to see his face clearly, his eyes were saying something but Beomgyu couldn’t hear.

Yeonjun shook his head, “I rather walk around in the middle of the night than see your face on the news with a missing person’s headline.”

Beomgyu let out a soft laugh, it was short. A sudden dot of cold spread over his nose. He looked up to the sky thick puffs of snow slowly falling.

“Hey it’s starting to snow,” Beomgyu said, his hand reaching towards Yeonjun to get his attention.

“I love the snow,” he heard Yeonjun say, he assumed he was looking up too.

Beomgyu didn’t understand how someone could like the snow. It wasn’t like the rain, it didn’t wash things away, it froze them and left things lingering. He didn’t like that.

And although he couldn’t understand it, he wanted to. So that maybe one day he would be able to tell Yeonjun

I get it, I finally know what you meant when you said you loved the snow.

But maybe that was something that would never happen and it was something that Beomgyu had already accepted. He pushed the idea away.

He felt a hand hit his shoulder,“We should go back then, hm?”

Beomgyu looked back at Yeonjun, “What? ‘You tired of me already?” Beomgyu pouted, his lower lip sticking out.

“Tired of you? Never,” He grinned.

Beomgyu’s words got lost in his mouth. His brain was frozen, and he didn’t think—no, he knew it wasn’t because of the cold. Yeonjun was a series of caesuras in Beomgyu’s musical score. His words could stop Beomgyu’s time, leaving him ten steps behind and having to find his breath when he’d finally catch up to the rest of the world.

Beomgyu caught Yeonjun’s eyes staring at his lower lip. He watched as a snowflake fell and placed itself against Yeonjun’s pink mouth.

His mind was silent. There wasn't a single thought and Beomgyu hated the quiet. But before he knew it, he tugged Yeonjun forward, causing him to fall perfectly, Beomgyu catching him with his lips, a stupid smile on his face. He wrapped a hand around Yeonjun’s neck.

Maybe Beomgyu was being mean, pressing his lips to the blond’s without a warning. But Beomgyu couldn’t help it with Yeonjun’s brown eyes glued to his mouth.

Those worries faded away at the softness of the blond’s lips. The cold of the snowflake disappearing as the warmth of their mouths took over. The rush of heat to his cheeks, crawling towards his ears which were already burning from the cold surrounding them. He felt Yeonjun’s hand move to his hip, and his heart skipped. He never knew someone’s heart could literally skip a beat, he thought it was just a cheesy expression used in stupid romance books but no. One minute he was fine and the next he felt a hollow feeling, like something wasn’t working right in his chest. This was his sign to pull away.

Beomgyu opened his eyes. Yeonjun’s cheeks were flushed, probably from the cold, Beomgyu told himself. He took in Yeonjun’s lashes that were catching the soft flakes of the snow. They melted away as his eyes fluttered open. Beomgyu dropped Yeonjun’s hand. Pulled his hand away from the back of his neck, holding them close to his chest. He swallowed hard at the lump in his throat, little puffs of clouds coming from his breaths.

He searched for his words, “You’re right," he found himself tracing back to before the snow, and the kiss, and everything in between. "It’s getting colder. And Soobin might worry if he wakes up,” Beomgyu didn’t give Yeonjun a chance to answer, he didn't want to.

He turned around, walking back on his steps. Struggling to keep himself from turning around and catching Yeonjun’s face. What did it look like? Was he upset? Disgusted? Confused?

“Thanks again for the walk!” he called back instead, leaving Yeonjun standing alone under a streetlamp.

Beomgyu stumbled into Soobin’s home, struggling to keep quiet. Soobin’s parents were light sleepers. When they were younger, they had decided to spend the whole night gaming, except their all-nighter was cut short when an angry Mrs. Choi burst through the room. Beomgyu remembers her saying, “Off to bed you two! You can play in the morning. What would your mother say if I brought her son back sleep deprived!?”

Beomgyu slowly slipped back into the sheets of Soobin’s bed. The boy hadn’t moved a muscle since he had left. Beomgyu wondered what Mrs. Choi would say now if she had caught him sneaking into her home, unzipped puffy jacket and tousled hair from running down the streets as soon as he knew he was out of sight. And what would he say back? Beomgyu turned and faced Soobin’s sleeping body. He took in his soft features.

Would he tell her, I just kissed a boy and I have no fucking clue why. Beomgyu shook his head and turned away from Soobin, staring out the window, watching the thick flurries fall. He remembered the flake Yeonjun’s lip, sitting there asking to be plucked off and who was Beomgyu to deny it that wish?

It was the snow’s fault.

The cold air wrapped around Beomgyu's damp hair as he walked side by side with Soobin. They were making their way to the cafe to meet up with the others. Beomgyu had his arm laced around Soobin's, letting the taller boy drag him towards the shop. Beomgyu's eyes were still heavy from his eventful morning,

Beomgyu woke to the sound of Soobin violently cursing at his phone.

"Stupid! No! C'mon!!!"

The harsh light coming from outside left Beomgyu squinting and getting Soobin's attention with a whine.

"Soobin..." he dragged out the last syllable, "It's so early can't you like...shut up?"

"Early? Beomgyu it's eleven in the afternoon. I texted the group chat to let them know you were still asleep but only Kai and Taehyun answered."

Beomgyu perked up at that, "Oh? Is Yeonjun asleep?"

"I guess? I'm not sure though, he just isn't answering."

Beomgyu sat up from the bed, rubbing away the sleep from his eyes, "Ok well, I'm gonna shower. Is that okay?"

Soobin nodded, still looking at his phone. Only pulling away as Beomgyu neared the door.

"Oh hey wait."

Beomgyu turned, "Hm? What is it?"

"Did you go to the bathroom last night?"

Beomgyu's eyebrow rose, his mouth slanting, his jaw felt tight, "What?"

"I think I woke up in the middle of the night but you were gone? Maybe I dreamt it."

Beomgyu let out a nervous sound, Soobin had woken up. "Must've. I don't remember leaving the bed."

Soobin nodded and went back to the game on his phone.

Beomgyu closed the bathroom door behind him and locked it quickly. He had lied to his best friend.

The best friend he shared everything with. The best friend who held his hand when he was scared during Paranorman. The best friend who let him sleepover when he just didn't feel like being home. The best friend who would worry if he was missing from the bed they had fallen asleep together in. And Beomgyu didn’t have a clue as to why he had done it. Why he had let the words slip so easily from his tongue. He could've said the truth, 'I went out on a walk with Yeonjun, I couldn't sleep and he was awake.'

But Beomgyu did know why. A part of him wanted to keep that night a secret. He wanted to hold the memories of the falling snowflakes to himself. Let no one know about how the light fell on Yeonjun’s blond hair. Let no one know about the sound of the footsteps against the crunchy snow. Let no one know.

Sometimes things were better when no one else knew about them.

As the two boys neared the cafe, Beomgyu noticed a boy with blond hair walking in the opposite direction. Beomgyu could recognize the strut from a mile away. He felt the grip on Soobin tighten, like a child scared of being separated from its mother. Yeonjun stopped in front of them as they stood in front of the cafe, Kai and Taehyun were already waiting.

Yeonjun was wearing black jeans, a white shirt tucked into them, a chained belt looped around and hanging from the side. He looked good, and Beomgyu wondered how. How had he woken up this morning and dressed as good as any other day when Beomgyu struggled to put on matching socks and fix his hair.

The answer was simple, Yeonjun hadn’t lied, and Yeonjun hadn’t done what Beomgyu had done.

Beomgyu noticed the click of Yeonjun’s tongue against the roof of his mouth and Beomgyu turned, before a word could escape from the blond.

“Sorry for keeping you two waiting, I woke up late.”

“No worries,” Kai responded, Taehyun’s arm laced around his.

“I don’t know about you guys but I’m up for a movie,” Taehyun said, pulling out his phone.

Soobin shrugged, “I’m fine with whatever.”

Beomgyu could feel Yeonjun’s eyes on him. His gaze was like the sun, burning through the fabric of his clothing. So warm Beomgyu couldn’t even feel the cold of the winter air. Yeonjun’s eyes were calling to him, gripping at his jacket and asking him to turn. Beomgyu knew better than to look directly at the sun.

“A movie sounds good. A new one just came out,” Beomgyu jumped in. He looked over Taehyun’s shoulder, who was looking at the showings, “That one.” Beomgyu pointed to a random poster on the screen.

Taehyun read the synopsis outloud for the others to hear . Beomgyu didn’t listen.

“Okay, here’s the game plan,” Soobin started, “Movie starts at five, it’s currently three. That means we have exactly two hours to have our asses in those backrow seats, got it?”

The four boys nodded as they were huddled in a circle at the entrance of a convenience store, their own mini football team. Beomgyu was pretty sure none of them knew squat about football.

“Kai, Taehyun, you’re with me for snacks. Beomgyu, Yeonjun, drinks got it?” Soobin was cut off before he could continue.

“Wait, I’m with Yeonjun?” Beomgyu asked Soobin, a little too quickly. His words were stringed together, nearly overlapping each other. Soobin didn’t seem to notice.

“Yes, please try and keep up.”

Beomgyu glanced at Yeonjun, he wasn’t looking back. His eyes were glued to his feet, Beomgyu noticed his tight grip on Soobin’s shoulder.

“I want us out of there in fifteen minutes, got it?” Soobin looked at all of them, his eyes shooting daggers. He brought a hand to the middle, “Ok team, on three.”

Taehyun pulled away from the circle, causing it to break. He grabbed Kai’s arm and pulled him towards the door, “I’m not doing that.”

Kai followed Taehyun into the store, trying to hold in a laugh that was begging to be released. Kai was never good at holding in his laughter. It was like a bell filling the air with it’s ringing. Loud, sharp. With his laughter there was always an echo of everyone else’s. So they all burst out laughing.

Beomgyu let out a soft laugh as he wrapped an arm around Soobin’s shoulder, dragging him towards the store. “‘Cmon, we don’t have time to mope around.”

The heater was on too high. And Yeonjun was standing too close. They were standing in front of the freezer, scanning the drinks in front of them. Beomgyu was just about ready to shove his face in the freezer, he could feel the slick sheet of sweat on his neck.

He suddenly felt warmer when Yeonjun looked at him, opening his mouth. Beomgyu didn’t know what Yeonjun was going to say. He didn’t want to know.

“So about last-” Yeonjun started, but Beomgyu never even thought of letting him finish. He couldn’t let him. He wasn’t ready.

“No.” Beomgyu was staring at his feet.

“No?” Yeonjun tilted his head, his brows furrowing.

“No, I don’t want to have this conversation. Not now anyway... If you want to talk about it, fine. We can talk about it later.” Beomgyu pulled open the fridge and shoved four cokes into his basket. Yeonjun hadn’t moved from where he stood.

“So wait, the girl is the cousin?” Soobin whispered into Beomgyu’s ear.

This was the sixth question Soobin had asked since they sat down. Beomgyu was starting to regret the seating arrangements. The five boys sat in the middle of the second row at the back. Beomgyu was in between Kai and Soobin.

“No, that’s the wife,” Beomgyu said.

“Oh,” Soobin nodded. “And that’s their daughter?”

“No that’s the sister,” Beomgyu turned to him, “I swear Soobin, are you even watching the movie?” he said, a little too loudly. The people in the row before them turned and shushed him.

“Wow Beomgyu, you really should be quiet in a theatre, no one likes someone who’s loud,” Soobin said, taking a sip from his bottle of cola.

Beomgyu heard Yeonjun snort from next to Soobin. Beomgyu couldn’t believe this, “This is absolutely ridiculous,” he faced the screen again, angrily munching on his m&ms.

Beomgyu would be lying if he said he wasn’t a tiny bit happy when the lights came on and the end credits rolled. He stood up, stretching his arms, cracking his back.

“I have to pee so bad!” Kai said, grabbing his stuff and quickly leaving the hall.

Soobin quickly pushed past Beomgyu and Taehyun, “Oh, I gotta go too!”

Beomgyu stumbled back, catching himself on a chair. He let out a breath, and grabbed the garbage around them, he didn’t say a word.

“Taehyun, make sure Soobin and Kai know we didn’t leave without them. I’ll help Beomgyu pick up the trash,” Beomgyu heard Yeonjun say. Beomgyu looked at Taehyun who was already holding an empty grape juice and coke bottle.

“Oh, sure,” Taehyun shifted the bottle into one hand, grabbing his things with the other. Beomgyu didn’t like the idea of being left alone with Yeonjun again. It made his muscles tense up and ache. He wanted to crawl underneath the chairs and hide. He almost wanted to offer to go himself but Beomgyu couldn’t keep hiding from Yeonjun. It wasn’t fair.

Beomgyu wanted to tell himself that life isn’t fair, but he knew that this wasn’t life’s doing. It was all his.

“Walk with me home? We can talk then,” Beomgyu didn’t even look at him as the words left his mouth. He just shoved wrappers into the empty bottles and carried them out to the trash. Yeonjun had followed him with their jackets and bags.

“Okay, I’ll do that.” Yeonjun answered, handing him his jacket. Beomgyu took it, throwing it over his shoulders, and grabbed his bag that was sitting on Yeonjun’s shoulder, his own on the other.

Taehyun was standing outside the bathroom, Soobin and Kai standing with him. They were staring at a phone. Kai was the first one to look up at Yeonjun and Beomgyu got closer.

“Oh, we’re looking at places nearby to eat. You guys hungry?”

Beomgyu opened his mouth but Yeonjun spoke first, “You guys go ahead, it’s getting late and Beomgyu has something to give me.”

Soobin looked at Beomgyu, “Oh?” he turned back to Taehyun and Kai, “I guess that means we can go to that seafood place then, right?”

Of course Soobin would take advantage of not having Beomgyu and his eating habits. It meant that he could eat wherever he wanted without thinking about whether or not there would be something for Beomgyu.

He rolled his eyes at that, “Enjoy your food. Come on, Yeonjun,” He started walking towards the exit, slipping his jacket on as he walked.

“Goodnight guys!” Yeonjun waved, following Beomgyu as he walked out. Beomgyu didn’t see if the others waved back.

The sky was dark by the time they got outside. The glowing neon lights of clubs and bars were shining bright onto the snow. The sidewalks were filled with people walking, in groups or alone. Some were on their phones, some were staring at their shoes, and others walked with frowns on their faces. Beomgyu found himself wondering where they were going. Who were they seeing? He was starting to sound like Soobin.

Yeonjun cleared his throat, little clouds forming from his mouth, “It’s cold.”

Beomgyu started walking, shoving his hands in his pocket, “We could’ve stayed and eaten with the others.”

He heard Yeonjun’s footsteps quickly catch up to his own, “And give you another chance to ignore me, no thanks.”

Beomgyu frowned at that, “I haven’t been ignoring you.”

Yeonjun let out a laugh. A loud one. Beomgyu flinched, “You’re joking right? You literally told me to shut up before in the convenience store.”

“I did not. I told you I didn’t want to talk about the-” Beomgyu’s mouth froze. He felt his brain running over different words, trying to find the best one to use, “-thing.”

“Whatever, same difference.”

They were stopped in front of a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. Beomgyu was staring at the light. He felt the words on the tip of his tongue. They’ve been trying to come out since the second his mouth pulled away from Yeonjun’s. The moment the warmth on his lips were replaced with the cold’s kiss.

“I’m sorry, Yeonjun.”

Beomgyu turned to him,“For ignoring me? It’s fine.” he shrugged, “You’re talking now so-”

“-No. I’m sorry for what happened last night,” Beomgyu turned to Yeonjun, he was staring at the space next to him.

“Beomgyu? You don’t have to be. ‘Cause it was nothing right?”

Nothing. Beomgyu thought back to the night. The snowflake on Yeonjun’s lip. The crunch against the snow of footsteps whose prints were probably already gone. Them who were standing in front of the school. Let no one know that anyone was ever there at all. And if no one knew, was there anything there?

“Yeah. It was nothing. It was late and I was tired.”

“Right. Me too,” Yeonjun kicked a piece of snow.

“So I guess that’s it? We both don’t think too much of it?” Beomgyu noticed the light change.

“Guess so.” Yeonjun shrugged his shoulders, “That wasn’t too hard, and you made such a big deal,” they both started to cross.

“Hey! What if you took it the wrong way?” Beomgyu elbowed his side.

“That’s what having a conversation is for, Beomgyu. I can’t read your mind, and you can’t read mine.”

“You’re right, sorry. I just,” Beomgyu sighed, he can’t read your mind, “I just didn’t want to fuck up our friendship you know?”

“What? Fuck up our friendship? Beomgyu, that’s stupid,” Yeonjun scoffed, and kicked another piece of snow.

“What? How?”

Yeonjun didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled Beomgyu close, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“Yeonjun?”

“It just is.”

Beomgyu was standing at the door, key in the hole. He turned to Yeonjun, who was standing at the bottom of the steps. He had the feeling it would be cold in his house, it always was when no one was home.

“My parents are gone for the week,.” he explained. “Do you want to come in?”

Beomgyu didn’t like being home alone. It was always quiet and Beomgyu hated the quiet.

“Isn’t it getting late?” Yeonjun asked, shifting his feet, head pointed to the ground.

Beomgyu bit his bottom lip. Stay. He wanted him to stay. Yeonjun was like the sun. He pushed the cold away; could turn the coldest of days into the warmest. Yeonjun loved to talk, so Beomgyu was never left sitting in silence when they were together. Even when Beomgyu didn’t want to talk.

“It’s cold though,” is all Beomgyu had managed to say.

“Okay. I’ll come in,” Yeonjun looked up to where Beomgyu was standing. Beomgyu quickly turned to the door and pushed it open. He dropped his overnight bag onto the floor, taking off his shoes. Yeonjun followed behind him. Beomgyu watched as Yeonjun looked around, taking off his own shoes.

“Do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee? Water?” Beomgyu walked into the living room. Yeonjun was still standing at the entrance, hands tapping at his sides, “You can come in. Sit on the couch, i’ll make tea for us.”

Beomgyu wasn’t good at giving Yeonjun choices.

He made his way to the kitchen, turning the sink water to cold as he grabbed the kettle sitting in the corner. He held it underneath the faucet, the kettle getting heavier in his hand as the water tried to make its way to the top. Beomgyu would never let it reach it. Cutting the water, he placed the kettle on it's little heater and closed the lid. He turned to his cupboard.

Pulling it open, his eyes scanned through goldfish, poptarts, instant noodles and at the far corner he was able to find a glass jar filled with teabags. He took out two bags, the leaves were green, he brought them to his nose and sniffed, "I think this is chamomile?" He said it loud enough for Yeonjun, who came creeping into the kitchen.

Beomgyu held the bags out to Yeonjun's face for him to smell. The blond brought his nose to the bags, "I think so too."

"Is that okay with you?" Beomgyu pulled them back and looked through the jar. Yeonjun nodded. "Do you take sugar?"

"No," Yeonjun fiddled with the tea bags Beomgyu had left on the counter.

Beomgyu pulled two ceramic mugs from a cupboard next to the oven, a small ceramic jar with it. "I take two teaspoons."

Yeonjun nodded, "That makes sense."

Beomgyu pulled a spoon from a drawer, "How?"

"Only you would take something that's supposed to relax you and add sugar to it," Yeonjun looked at him, Beomgyu could feel it. It was like the winter sun hitting you through glass, only letting in the heat of the rays.

"Plenty of people add sweeteners to tea. You know, like honey," Beomgyu dipped the spoon into the sugar. "One," he said under his breath as he watched the small white grains fall. "Two.'' They reminded him of snow.

"Yeah, but honey has soothing effects like for your throat when you're sick."

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, "Okay Mr. Nutritionist."

The switch on the kettle bounced back up. Beomgyu poured the water into their mugs, watching the bags rise up to the surface. Sometimes things needed help to get to where they wanted to go.

"Let's go to the living room," Beomgyu took his mug, the warmth of the tea taking over the walls of the mug. This heat was harsh, nothing like Yeonjun's.

Beomgyu sat with his back pressed to the corner of the couch. His empty cup of tea sat on the coffee table next to Yeonjun’s. They looked good together. Yeonjun was sitting at the other end. They were both cross-legged.

“So that’s what I thought about the movie. Anyway, what about you?” Yeonjun asked him, his hands in the hole of his legs.

“Well Soobin wouldn’t shut up so I don’t really remember much,” Beomgyu let out a soft laugh.

Yeonjun’s smile grew, “True, sorry. You slept over at his place, right?”

Beomgyu nodded, “Yeah, I usually do when my parents are out of town.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

Beomgyu stretched out his back, “I don’t like being home alone, it’s quiet.”

“You’re alone tonight though?”

Beomgyu nodded, “I didn’t want to overstay my visit.”

Yeonjun hesitated. “Do you want me to stay?”

Bromgyu held in his breath. He could hear the words running through his head, stay. Stay and talk to me all night. Fill my silence with your voice, let it be my lullaby. Let me never sit in the quiet again because I hate the quiet. But all Beomgyu managed to let out was a weak “sure,” as he looked over at his bag sitting by the door. It was slightly toppled over.

“How long have you been doing music for?” he heard Yeonjun speak again.

Beomgyu faced him again, “I’ve been playing the guitar since I was like seven? I don’t know. I’ve always liked music,” Beomgyu remembered sitting in the car, eyes staring out the window. His father would play music and Beomgyu would soak in it. He let it melt into his skin and become a part of him, he would bask in music until his fingers would become pruny. Beomgyu looked at his hands, the skin was smooth.

“Is that why you’re studying it?”

Beomgyu rubbed his thumb and index together, “Yeah. I think I always knew I was going to go into music. I never had anything else I wanted to do, like I've had those phases where I want to be like an astronaut or a veterinarian but music was never one of those. I can’t see myself not doing music or not playing the guitar.” Beomgyu felt like a liar. Music had never been a phase to Beomgyu, something he just simply found interesting. But what if he was just a phase to music. What if it was tired of him? What if it no longer wanted to be pulled by his fingers against the strings of a guitar, no longer wanted to be weaved by his hands. “ The thought scares me.”

“Can you play me something?” Yeonjun’s voice was soft, unexpecting. Beomgyu’s heard the question countless times. People wanting to experience the greatness he never claimed to have, never believes to have. Their gazes on him as he would take out his guitar, their stares digging into his skin and eating up his music like fresh watermelon on a hot summer day. They craved to hear him. Beomgyu didn’t want to be craved.

Yeonjun didn’t ask knowing he would hear a yes. Beomgyu heard something entirely different.

Do you trust me with this?

Beomgyu didn’t know. Beomgyu never really knew. Beomgyu might never know.

But despite the gnawing of uncertainty in his stomach, he stood up, “Follow me,”

Beomgyu’s walls were a dark blue, there were posters on his walls, some bands and some films. His curtains closed but leaving a small crack for the moon to shine in. There was a special place by his desk that held only photos of Soobin and Kai. From Soobin’s graduation and his own. There were pictures of holidays spent together and birthdays. He left room for new pictures, he wanted to fill them with Yeonjun and Taehyun too.

Beomgyu sat on his bed, sinking into the mattress. He pulled up his guitar and set it onto his lap. Yeonjun hadn’t moved from the doorway, wondering if he was allowed to step into Beomgyu’s space. He tapped on the empty spot at the edge of the bed, inviting him in.

Yeonjun looked good in Beomgyu’s room. It was like he was a chip in the paint on the walls of the room, growing over time. He could go unnoticed, like he was always there. Maybe his room was waiting for Beomgyu to let him in. Beomgyu didn’t bother to turn on the lights, he rarely ever left his lights on. It made it hard to see the stars.

Beomgyu cleared his throat. His fingers felt stiff as he brought them close to the strings of his guitar. He took one last look at Yeonjun, he couldn’t tell if it was the moon or just Yeonjun that was glowing. Soobin’s words rang in Beomgyu’s ears, Beomgyu’s never had a glow, he’s dull.

“Should we turn on the lights? It’s hard to see you in the dark,” Yeonjun said, it sounded like a whisper.

“It’s easier for me to play in the dark,”

Beomgyu could hide in the pockets of the night. Where no one could see or hear him. Where he could be lost in the sounds of his guitar. Where he couldn’t be exposed in the light, on display for everyone to see. Where he was safe.

Beomgyu played his first cord, the note floating into the air. Beomgyu could imagine it flying out towards the night sky like a hand reaching out. Would it make it to the stars?

Beomgyu brushed his calloused fingers against the strings of his guitar. He could still feel the aching in his fingers from his practice, a memory that lived in his hands. Even in the dark he could feel Yeonjun's eyes on him, the slight heat against his skin. Beomgyu felt on display, for Yeonjun to see.

He wondered how he looked strumming at his guitar. What did Yeonjun think? Could he hear the sound of his heart sift through the notes as he dragged his fingers down the strings? The sound of their footsteps on the night they kissed underneath the falling snow? Their banter as they walked past the school. Could he hear the sound of his own laugh through the pulling of the strings that Beomgyu could have sworn were that of his own heart? Could he hear the thoughts racing through his head? What did Yeonjun think of them? Were they beautiful?

The strums started to slow until Beomgyu brought them to a stop. He couldn't bring himself to look up.

"Beomgyu…" Yeonjun's voice crept through the now silent room.

"It's nothing special-" Beomgyu started, but Yeonjun didn't let him finish.

"Look at me,"

Beomgyu slowly brought his head up, Yeonjun was sitting closer than he thought. Beomgyu didn't notice the brushing of their knees before. It was warm.

"No, Beomgyu. Please look at me,"

Beomgyu's fist wrapped around his sheets, holding them tight. Yeonjun was like a nightlight in his dark room. He was the sun shining through a solar eclipse, he was blinding to look at. And Beomgyu knew better than to look at the sun. But there was something about the crack in Yeonjun's voice as he whispered his name, the pleading in his tone as he spoke. Yes, Beomgyu did know better than to stare at the sun.

So Beomgyu lifted his eyes slowly, taking in the curves of Yeonjun's mouth, the softness of his lips in the dark. He took in the sharpness of his nose and his apple like cheeks. Until he found himself in Yeonjun's eyes and let himself dive in.

Like stardust, glowing in the moon's light. Beomgyu gently held Yeonjun's face in his hands, gently brushing the tears away. He let them roll down his hand like a shooting star he didn't feel the need to wish on. He was holding a wish in his hand.

Beomgyu watched as Yeonjun's face slowly got closer. He felt a hand make its way to his back, wrapping itself around him and protecting him as slowly he moved down towards the bed. Yeonjun pulled the guitar off of his lap, gently setting it next to them as his mouth brushed against his own.

"Yeonjun?" Beomgyu's eyes didn't move away from Yeonjun's.

"No one needs to know, right?"

Their whispers hung in the air and Beomgyu was faced with the same question again, if no one knew about it, was it ever even there at all?

Beomgyu's eyes shifted from Yeonjun's eyes to his lips. He felt him inch closer, pressing a soft kiss to Beomgyu's lips. He could barely feel it, like a feather tickling his lips.

Beomgyu's mouth felt cold as Yeonjun's pulled away. Beomgyu hated the cold. He brought his face closer to Yeonjun's and placed a kiss back. They took turns leaving short kisses on each other's lips that never left Beomgyu satisfied.

Yeonjun's cheeks burned against Beomgyu's hands. They itched against his skin, he wondered what shades of pink were hidden underneath them. Beomgyu brought his mouth back to Yeonjun's, moving his hands from his cheeks to his hair. He had always wondered how it would feel tangled in his fingers.

It felt dead, for how could something ever grow on something as scorching as the sun?

Beomgyu left tiny kisses on the corner of Yeonjun's mouth, he was tired of walking around what he wanted. Beomgyu wanted to feel Yeonjun's lips, he wanted to pull away with the memory of their weight on his own mouth. Beomgyu grazed his teeth against Yeonjun's bottom lip, his eyes barely open. Beomgyu wanted to see the expression on Yeonjun's face as his teeth sunk into the blonde's bottom lip.

He watched as Yeonjun's brows slowly rose, his eyes slowly opening and meeting his. They looked into him and Beomgyu wondered what they saw. It couldn't be half as great as what Beomgyu saw in his. Yeonjun held the core of the sun in his eyes, the center of his warmth and light. He wanted to trap it in a jar, like a firefly.

Beomgyu never got to continue his thought as Yeonjun’s lips fell onto his. They moved slowly, still discovering each other. One of Beomgyu’s hands found their way from Yeonjun’s neck to underneath the hem of his shirt. He liked the feeling of Yeonjun’s skin against his hand. It was warm, soft. They were astronomers, searching for stars to help explain the mystery that was the beginning of them.

But Beomgyu only found one star, and that was the sun. Even as the sound of their breaths marked the tempo as the rhythm of their lips sped up, which reminded Beomgyu of a song. Even as his lips started to swell, Beomgyu was floating.

Beomgyu woke to the feeling of a dip of weight on his mattress. The light hit him in the face as his eyes opened causing him to groan in discomfort.

“Oh, did my alarm wake you?” Yeonjun’s voice was soft, like he was afraid of being heard.

Beomgyu pulled his eyes open, taking in the blonde boy, sitting on his bed, the light touching him as he looked back at Beomgyu. “Alarm?” He didn’t recall hearing one.

Yeonjun still had sleep in his eyes and was still wearing yesterday’s clothes, “I have to get to work,”

Beomgyu nodded, turning over, hiding his face from the sun.

He felt the mattress sink deeper, breath against his skin, “will you come by later?”

“Sure, I don’t have a reason not to,” Beomgyu glanced over his shoulder, Yeonjun had a stupid smile on his face. Beomgyu rolled his eyes, closing them. “Okay, bye now.”

Yeonjun pulled away, he let out a curt laugh, “wow, now you want to get rid of me.”

“No, I wanted to sleep but you’re making that impossible.”

Yeonjun never answered.

Beomgyu turned over. Yeonjun was still leaning over him, a pout on his face. Beomgyu’s eyes couldn’t help but find their way to Yeonjun’s lips. They were plumper than usual, a little red. Beomgyu wondered if people would notice. Would they wonder who it was that Yeonjun kissed last night? It was him. Would they wonder how his lips tasted? Like the chamomile tea they had just finished drinking, with a bit of honey. Beomgyu didn’t remember him putting any honey. All things only Beomgyu would know.

“Fine, I’ll walk you to the bus stop.” He sat up, nearly knocking Yeonjun in the face with his shoulder.

“And make me coffee too?”

“No, you work at a cafe.” He stood up.

“So?” Yeonjun did too.

Beomgyu walked towards the entrance, grabbing his coat, “so make your own there?”

Yeonjun followed, “fine.”

After Beomgyu dropped Yeonjun at the bus stop, he walked himself home in the cold. The wind burned his cheeks, Beomgyu thought only the heat could burn.

When stepped into his house it felt empty. Despite the pictures and paintings on the walls, the furniture in the rooms, the shoes by the door, it felt empty. The silence hung in the air and it left a stench that no amount of Febreeze could get rid of.

Beomgyu felt the need to wash it away.

The warm water of the shower burned his skin. As Beomgyu squeezed shampoo into his hands, rubbed it into his hair, tangling his fingers in its locks, memories of the night before flashed in his head. The feeling of Yeonjun's dead bleached hair in his hands, the feeling of kisses on his cheeks, and lips, jaw, neck, and the feeling of Yeonjun’s hands on his waist as his own hands shifted from place to place searching for its spot, maybe the reason he couldn’t find one was because Yeonjun was his spot. There was no certain piece of him that was different from the rest, that Beomgyu was drawn to—he was drawn to all of him.

He stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. The towel, rough on his skin as he rubbed. The mirror was fogged, hiding his face. When he wiped it clean, he was met with reddened cheeks. He brought a hand to them, they were warm. The shower must've been too hot.

February

[Kai, 8:25am]

Don’t forget about later!

Beomgyu stood outside the main entrance of the university, his phone in his hands. And he had no clue what Kai was talking about.

Later? What was later? Beomgyu thought back on his schedule. He had class from nine to two. But nothing else came to mind. He knew he could just ask Kai what it was but that would mean admitting to forgetting, and he couldn’t handle the idea that it could’ve been something important.

“It’ll come to me,” He said to himself, shaking the worry off of his shoulders.

Class was boring. Class was always boring. When you're young, people tell you to choose a job you'll love, a study you'll enjoy and it won't feel like work. It was early on in his university career that he learned that that was a fucking lie. Things are fun when you don't feel the need to do them. Anything becomes work if you're forced to do it. And sitting at the long desk in the back of the room listening to his professor go on about scales, Beomgyu found more important things to worry about. Like did he have to meet Kai somewhere? Was he supposed to have picked him up something from the 19+ section of the video game store?

Beomgyu rested his head on his desk, choosing to nap as he gave up. Maybe it would come to him in his dreams, a message from the universe or his subconscious mind.

"Pst. Pst."

Beomgyu sighed, trying to ignore it.

“Psssst. Beomgyu.”

He frowned and opened his eyes. Minjun was pointing at his phone, Check your phone, he mouthed.

Beomgyu remembered meeting Minjun. It was during orientation, he was getting a tour from one of those seniors who clearly only volunteered to have something to write on a resume. Minjun just happened to be in the same group as him.

Beomgyu didn't think he'd make any friends during his time in university, let alone at his orientation. He was never the type to purposefully chase after people, he let them come to him. It wasn’t that he didn’t like having friends, he just didn’t see the point in making new ones. He had Soobin and Kai, did he really need anyone else?

Beomgyu grew to realize that he might not have needed them, but maybe they needed him. And even if he didn’t need them, maybe he wanted them.

And he did. He wanted to be around Taehyun and Yeonjun. And even though a nap sounded good right now, he even wanted Minjun to whisper at him in class to check his phone.

Beomgyu’s eyes scanned over a message from Minjun,

[Minjun, 1:15pm]

you sticking around for the open house later?

Beomgyu’s eyes widened. He felt the puzzle pieces fit together in his brain. He could’ve sworn he heard a click. Memories of the day came flying back into his mind. He had offered to take Kai and Taehyun on a tour during the open house, he even told them: it’ll be more fun than having a random student, don’t you think?

Beomgyu sat himself up. He brought himself back to his messages with Kai, the notification still popping up in the sidebar.

[You, 1:16pm]

I won’t! I’ll meet you at the main entrance.

He wrote back to Kai and then moved back to Minjun’s,

[You, 1:16pm]

Yeah, two of my friends are checking it out

Minjun turned to Beomgyu, “You actually have friends?” He whispered over.

Beomgyu kicked his chair, a loud sound following. He quickly picked up his pen, suddenly interested in the Bohlen-Pierce Scale.

“Minjun, is everything alright back there?” The professor stopped his lecture, looking towards the back of the class where they were seated.

“Y-yes sir, I just dropped my pen...the chair just…” Minjun rambled. Beomgyu had a hard time keeping his laugh from spilling over. He put his wrist in front of his mouth, hiding the growing smile. He glanced over at Minjun who was glaring back at him.

Beomgyu sat in the cafeteria picking at a sandwich he bought. Minjun was sitting in front of him, they were waiting for Kai and Taehyun.

“Dude I can’t believe you embarrassed me like that,” Minjun whined, taking the other half of Beomgyu’s sandwich.

Beomgyu shrugged, “I didn’t think it would be that loud. You’re lighter than you look.”

His phone pinged.

“I don’t think you’re aware of your own strength, what if I fell and got hurt?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I would’ve laughed and you would’ve woken up with a bruise tomorrow.”

They both looked at the phone, the name Barista showed up in bold,

[Barista, 2:15pm ]

what time are you coming at?

“Oh who’s that?” Minjun asked, looking up at him.

Beomgyu smiled at his phone, “No one.”

[You, 2:15pm]

after open house

“Your face says otherwise.”

Beomgyu looked back at his classmate, the tips of his ears burning, “Otherwise?”

“You’re smiling like an idiot.”

Beomgyu ignored him, looking back at his phone as he heard another ping.

It was from Kai,

[Kai, 2:16pm]

At the main entrance!

Kai and Taehyun were standing at the front doors, their heads pointed to the ceiling as they took in the large atrium. The ceiling folded into a dome like shape, the floor above looking down on them.

Beomgyu remembered the first time he stepped foot into the building, he was overwhelmed at its size. He felt small, like he would be swallowed whole by the wave of students that flooded the halls. Everytime it felt too much for him, Beomgyu would find Soobin standing right next to him, holding his hand. Soobin was his anchor, making sure he wouldn’t get lost in the current.

Now it was Beomgyu’s turn.

Kai and Taehyun looked cute, standing there in their school uniforms. Their ties knotted perfectly, bookbags properly placed on their shoulders, hair neat. For once Kai looked small, like how he did the first time they met. The memory squeezed Beomgyu’s heart.

“Hey!” he called out to the two highschoolers.

They turned to him and waved as he made his way over,“How was school today? Learn anything useful?” Beomgyu asked, ruffling the snow out of their hair.

“Have you used the Sine Law yet in your day to day life, Beomgyu?” Taehyun asked, moving his arm away before Beomgyu could flick the snow out.

“Nope not once,” Beomgyu put his hand down.

“Then no.”

Kai pointed behind Beomgyu, “Who’s this?”

Beomgyu turned to see Minjun standing behind him, he had forgotten he was there at all, “Oh, that’s Minjun, my classmate.”

“Hey.”

The two highschoolers waved.

“Where’s Soobin?” Taehyun asked.

“I think he’s helping out with the open house,” Beomgyu started walking.

“Oh, they also know Soobin?” Minjun struggled to keep up with the trio.

“He went to the same high school as us,” Kai chimed in, lacing one arm each around one of Taehyun’s and Beomgyu’s.

“Oh, and what about that Barista guy, did he also go to your highschool?”

“No,” Beomgyu cut in, getting slightly annoyed by all the questions. Choosing to push the annoyance away, he turned to Kai and Taehyun, “What do you guys want to look at by the way?”

Taehyun was asking questions at the Law & Justice booth, Beomgyu wasn’t all that interested in what he was saying. Minjun had wandered off somewhere, and Kai was standing next to Beomgyu.

He looked over at Kai, a smile couldn’t help but form itself on his lips. When he looked at Kai, a tightness in his chest always followed. Every glance he took was like a dive back in time, he saw the young transfer student whose bag was always full with books. He saw the boy who would one day grow to be taller than him, whose laugh would one day become one of his favorite sounds, he’d want to put it in a song.

Kai turned to look at him, feeling his gaze, “Why are you staring at me?”

Beomgyu’s smile turned to a frown, he also saw the boy who would become a pain in his ass, “I’m not,” he looked away.

“Okay, Weirdo.”

Taehyun came walking back, “Sorry for taking long.”

Beomgyu pulled himself off of the wall, “No worries, anywhere else to go?”

Taehyun looked at Kai who was staring at his feet. Beomgyu was able to take a hint, “Kai, is there somewhere you wanna go?”

Kai let his eyes meet his, “Lately…” he started, his feet shifting and hands fidgeting. “Lately I’ve been thinking about going into music...I was wondering if you could help me? I guess?”

Beomgyu looked at Taehyun and then back at Kai, “You’re interested in music? And you want my help?”

Kai’s talent in music wasn’t a mystery to Beomgyu. He often asked him to record samples for his production classes so his interest in the field wasn’t shocking to him. But never would Beomgyu have thought that Kai would ask him for help. Soobin was the helper, always.

“Of course I do, you’re one of my best friends and you’re in the major. No one knows me and the major better than you.”

Beomgyu’s chest felt light as he watched Kai say those words, “Of course I’ll help you, Kai. Is that it?”

Taehyun and Kai nodded. Beomgyu pulled them both towards him as he headed towards the nearest exit, “Okay then. Lesson one, after a day of class you always head to the cafe.”

The two followed him, catching up, “Why?” Taehyun asked.

“For homework and a caffeine boost. But for us it’s because our favorite barista would be mad if we didn’t go.”

Taehyun scoffed as the cold air hit their faces, “No, your favorite barista would be mad if you didn’t go.” Despite Taehyun’s words, Beomgyu felt his arm tighten around his own as it slipped. He blocked any air that might slip in between them, it made Beomgyu’s chest feel warm.

He pulled Taehyun to the side, making sure he didn’t hit anyone as they walked. He had learned to understand Taehyun’s actions rather than his words. He found his way of speaking to be beautiful, in every tug of an arm, a slip of the hand, a hug, was a whole world of new words.

And Beomgyu loved to listen.

“I’m telling Yeonjun he’s not your favorite barista,” was all Beomgyu said before turning to Kai, a new found excitement starting to bubble in his gut, “And you. I can ask my professors if you can come sit in one day,”

Kai noded, “That sounds fun.”

“Oh, and when you get in, because you will,” Beomgyu added, nudging his side with his elbow, “I can tell you which teacher’s to avoid and who to take and oh! I can show you all the good places to nap and the best things on the menu at the caf and which cashier is the nicest.” Beomgyu turned to Taehyun, “Oh don’t worry, I’ll make sure you know all the details too, I’ll even coordinate my schedule with you two your first semester while you find friends.”

“I wasn’t worried. Soobin said the same thing,” Taehyun added.

Kai nodded, “How lucky are we, Tae? We got not one but two people watching out for us.”

Beomgyu’s heart swelled, he thought it might even explode. He wasn’t sure if his chest would be able to hold it in any longer. Beomgyu would learn to live with his heart outside of his chest if it meant to feel this way over and over again.

When Beomgyu pulled the door of the little cafe open, he didn’t expect to be met with another person’s back. He looked at Kai and Taehyun with a shrug and slowly brought a finger up to the man’s shoulder, poking him gently. The man turned. Beomgyu thought it would be rude to recoil, but the frown and wrinkles in the middle of his forehead from scrunched brows didn’t give him the best impression.

“Why are you standing there?” Beomgyu asked, a little frightened by the man’s widow’s peak.

“There’s clearly a line,” the man’s tone matched his appearance and Beomgyu did his best to hold his tongue from spitting anything back.

“How long have you been waiting?” Taehyun cut in instead.

“Like 10 minutes, the kid at the cash seems to just be another pretty face, can’t handle making a simple coffee.”

Beomgyu’s body flinched, his grip tightening on Taehyun’s arm. But all he did was nod and pull Kai and Taehyun past the line and to the front where Yeonjun stood, punching at the tablet.

He was running around the small workspace, putting tablespoons into the french presses and pouring espresso into tiny cups. His hands shook slightly and he needed to stop before continuing. He didn’t want to risk spilling it.

In between orders he’d shove baked goods into the microwave, punching in orders as he waited for the timer to tic and then restarted his process of going from coffee machines to french presses.

In a simple way, Yeonjun was stressed. Beomgyu’s heart ached at the scene before him. And anger boiled in his gut as he remembered the older man from before. He turned to Kai and Taehyun, “That dude was such a prick.”

“He’s probably just angry that he’ll most likely be bald in a few years,” Taehyun added, nudging Beomgyu with a light smile.

“It’s weird though, why is today so busy?” Kai butted in.

“My guess is the open house, the majority of the people here seem like parents,” Beomgyu reasoned.

“True, they’re probably waiting here while their kids are at the university,” Kai nodded.

The line slowly got shorter and shorter. The three watched as the man got his coffee and paid. Yeonjun served him with his winning smile, it made Beomgyu’s blood boil. Yeonjun finally leaned against the counter, facing his friends, “You should’ve spat in his stupid coffee,” Beomgyu leaned his back on his end of the counter, looking at the floor as he kicked his feet.

“What why?” Yeonjun said, leaning closer trying to get a good look at Beomgyu’s face.

He continued to stare at his shoes and the checkered floor covered in dirt, crumbs and wet boot prints.

“That asshat was being a fucking piece of shit,” Taehyun huffed.

“Woah, calm down there. What did he do to you guys anyway?”

“It’s not us, it’s what he said about you,” Kai said, dragging Yeonjun’s attention over to him.

Beomgyu felt his heart sink. It was deep in his chest, heavy. Yeonjun who always made them their drinks, never charged them. Yeonjun who made sure that every customer got the same bright smile, the same energy. Yeonjun who was kind-hearted and was able to light up the room. Yeonjun who was the sun. Beomgyu didn’t want a cloud to go near him. He wanted him to shine bright, despite it all. He wanted to make sure he would never be covered by a single cloud, no matter how big or how heavy with rain.

“Me? But I don’t know him.”

“He was complaining that you were taking too long,” Taehyun said,

“And he said you were just another pretty face who couldn’t do anything,” Beomgyu added quietly. He couldn’t dare look at him, Beomgyu knew not to stare at the sun but he rather looked at the shining sun than one covered by a cloud. He wanted the sun to shine bright and fill his skies with blue.

Yeonjun nodded, “Half true,” was all he said, and Beomgyu turned to him confused. “I do have a pretty face,” Yeonjun winked at them, Kai and Taehyun rolled their eyes, but Beomgyu smiled.

He needed to learn that clouds will pass by and the sun will shine through.

Beomgyu sat at a table with Kai and Taehyun, they had empty cups in front of them. Yeonjun was throwing out coffee funnels and cleaning out machines. Taehyun was telling them about the law booth. Something about how they would learn about torts. Beomgyu didn’t really get it, as far he knew, torts were what were used to make burritos but he smiled and nodded.

Taehyun’s eyes were wide, and his hands were moving around as he spoke, he was even leaning in a little. Beomgyu may not have understood what he was saying, but he understood what it meant, this makes me happy.

And if it was something that made Taehyun happy, Beomgyu would gladly smile and nod.

Yeonjun made his way over, “Where’s Soobin by the way?” He took a seat.

“He’s helping out with the open house, he probably won’t make it today,” Kai cut in. Maybe Kai was tired of hearing about law, justice and society.

Yeonjun nodded, “Did you two have fun at the open house?”

Kai and Taehyun nodded, “It’s bigger than our highschool,” Kai said.

“It kinda smells though, like hot cheetos, instant noodles, coffee and weed, all at once,” Taehyun added.

“That’s the smell of crippling workload and sleep deprivation,” Beomgyu said, looking at his phone, the screen read 8:45. “Shit it’s late, I should get you two home.”

Taehyun and Kai stood, shaking their heads, “We can go on our own.”

Beomgyu stood up anyways, “At least let me bring you two to the bus stop.”

“I’ll finish closing,” Yeonjun said.

Beomgyu waved to him and he walked out. It was colder when the sun wasn’t out.

The two high schoolers walked a few steps ahead of him, they were whispering things to each other. Beomgyu wondered if he and Soobin were ever like that. He figured not. It’s different to have a same-age friend, it’s like you live in the same world. There were parts of Soobin’s world that Beomgyu would never understand in time, he was always late.

When Soobin was stressing about University applications, he couldn't understand. He remembered sitting in Soobin's kitchen slurping on ramen as Soobin searched through his files pulling out papers and documents. Beomgyu just watched him, "I don't get it, it's just an application. Besides, you're like the perfect student, of course, you'll get in."

But Soobin just shook his head at him and said, "That's not the point, Beomgyu."

He was there when Soobin opened the letters from the schools, he got into all of them. Just like Beomgyu said he would. But again Soobin threw those words in his face, "That's not the point, Beomgyu."

He didn't understand Soobin's fear of walking across the graduation stage either. Right before they left Soobin's house (Beomgyu had been helping Soobin get ready, Soobin made sure Beomgyu got a ticket to attend) he said to Beomgyu, "I don't think I can do it."

And to that Beomgyu rolled his eyes, "Of course you can do it, it's just walking. You do that every day."

And Soobin walked the stage gracefully, just as he had always walked the halls. When the ceremony was over, Beomgyu took him into his arms and told him, "I told you you could do it."

Again, Soobin wrapped his long arms around him and rolled his eyes, "That's not the point, Beomgyu."

Only when Beomgyu was sitting in the high school cafeteria, hands in his hair as he looked at the list of university programs did he realize what Soobin might've meant. His leg was bouncing up and down, shaking the table.

"What are you so stressed about? You're just choosing what you like."

As Beomgyu brought his eyes to Kai, whose hair would curl around his ears, he completely understood. Picking a program would mean accepting the fact he had to leave. The table he sat at every day for lunch would be different. The halls would be larger, the lockers; a different color, different size. The classrooms would no longer have seated desks but long ones. He'd no longer recognize the student's in his class and the teachers.

And only when Beomgyu had finished walking the stage, and held Kai in his arms did he finally understand that he would be leaving Kai too.

Soobin never doubted his ability to get into the schools he wanted or walk the stage without tripping, it was only ever about them.

"Beomgyu, you really don't have to walk us, we'll be fine on our own," Kai said, turning to him. He was back on the sidewalks of the city, the snow gently falling on his shoulders. The street lamps lighting the walkway.

"I know," he started. Beomgyu had always known that Kai would be fine without him. Because Kai was never truly alone. Kai always had someone in his corner.

That's when Beomgyu felt guilt swim around inside him. He would never understand Soobin the way Kai understands Taehyun. Because they were cut from the same star, pushed into the world together. Kai would've understood what Taehyun was trying to say if he told him "That's not the point." But Beomgyu was too busy misunderstanding to hear what he really said,

What will happen to you when I’m gone?

And maybe Beomgyu was also scared about what would happen once he left, and maybe that was why he tried so hard to make sure he saw Kai whenever he could. Why he insisted on walking him to the bus stop, and why his heart flipped when he had asked him about his program. Because it meant he wasn't forgotten.

"I know you don’t need me to," Beomgyu began again, "but that’s not the point."

Kai shrugged and turned back.

I want to.

Beomgyu came back to the coffee shop empty and to a Yeonjun who was sitting at a table with his face down against it. He noticed the way his shoulders were slumped down. He looked small, fragile. And that’s when Beomgyu saw it; the cloud blocking the sun.

He made his way over to him. Gently pulling a chair, he took a seat. “Hey,” he started softly, “I’m back.”

Yeonjun tilted his head to the side, opening his eyes to look at Beomgyu, “Hey.”

“What happened, hm?” he brought a hand to Yeonjun’s hair, running his fingers through it gently.

“Nothing.”

Beomgyu knew better than to push, so he sat there quietly and rested his own head onto the table. He kept a hand in Yeonjun’s hair, it was something his Soobin would do when he was upset and didn’t feel like talking.

He watched as Yeonjun’s shoulders rose with every breath, and decided that if Yeonjun wouldn’t talk, he would.

“Today was hard, huh?” He said, still running a hand through his hair, his head laying on his arm against the table.

He felt Yeonjun slowly nodded, “I know, and you’re really tired too I bet.”

He nodded again.

“You did good today.”

Yeonjun was looking at him now. It was like the sun peaking through.

Beomgyu was staring at his eyes, they were hidden by curtains of blond hair.

“Thank you,” Yeonjun’s voice was soft, timid.

Beomgyu smiled, moving his hand from his hair to his face. His cheeks were warm. “Do you have to finish anything else before leaving?”

Yeonjun sighed, sitting up. Beomgyu’s hand fell and he took it back. “I have to broom and lock up.”

Beomgyu stood, “Where’s the broom?”

“In the closet at the back.”

Beomgyu didn’t say another word before walking over to the small door behind the counter at the back of the shop. He grabbed the long broom, it was large, like one of the ones janitors have. He began to sweep.

“What are you doing?” Yeonjun stood up, going over. He tried to grab the broom from his hands but Beomgyu turned.

“I’m sweeping.”

Yeonjun’s hand went for the broom, “No, seriously.”

Beomgyu moved away again, laughing, “Dude I’m serious, I’m helping you.”

“Don’t.”

Beomgyu moved away before Yeonjun could try anything again. It was funny, watching Yeonjun reach for the broom only to hold onto nothing. He couldn’t help but laugh at him as he would trip over his feet trying to catch him.

Beomgyu spun around the room leading the blond in a circle. It was like a drunken dance, stumbling all over the floor.

“Beomgyu, seriously give it back,” Yeonjun grabbed for it again, harshly.

Beomgyu backed up falling into the wall. Yeonjun tripping on the broom, catching himself. His face landing inches from his.

“I told you to give it back,” he said, sighing.

Beomgyu shrugged, “But then you wouldn’t have smiled,” he was staring at Yeonjun’s upturned lips.

Yeonjun scoffed, pulling away, “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

Beomgyu began sweeping again, “One of my many talents, yes.”

He didn’t need to look up from the floor to know Yeonjun was smiling, he heard a laugh.

And suddenly the room was brighter.

Beomgyu sat at his desk, scrolling through his phone. His laptop was opened to a blank document. His bed was unmade, sheets half on the floor from when he pulled himself out of bed. He sat in his pyjama pants and a hoodie, having changed once he woke. His hair was messy and covering his eyes. It was getting long.

Beomgyu laughed at a video on his phone, leaning back on his chair.

“What’s so funny?”

Beomgyu jumped at the voice, nearly tipping the chair over, “Holy shit, Soobin!”

Soobin howled, leaning on the door frame for support. His laughs were so powerful, they knocked him over every time. Beomgyu wished he could always be there to catch him, but right now he wished he had fallen over.

“Dude, what the fuck was that?”

“You scared me! How long have you been just standing there?” Beomgyu stood up, shutting his laptop.

“Not long. Your mom let me in, didn’t you hear the doorbell?”

Beomgyu shook his head, going to his bed, Soobin followed him. “How was Open House?”

Soobin shrugged, laying down, “Long.”

Beomgyu tensed at Soobin’s movement. His muscles stiffening as he wondered, would Soobin be able to tell that someone else had laid there? Could he smell the remnants of Yeonjun’s cologne? The popcorn from the theatre? It would be impossible to. But Beomgyu wondered if it was just him who was still able to see the dip where he had slept, still feel the hands on his skin, his breath on his neck. Yeonjun could be half across the world and Beomgyu would still see him in his room. He was a part of it.

“What time did you finish?” He fell next to Soobin on the bed.

“It finished at like ten? I stayed behind though to help clean up, so I left at like eleven.” Soobin brought a hand to Beomgyu’s hair.

“But you didn’t sign up for the cleaning committee,” his eyes closed at the feeling of fingers brushing his hair. Soobin often did that when Beomgyu was upset, but this time he didn’t know why, he was fine.

“I know, but I felt bad, so I stuck around.”

“Of course you did,” he sighed, because that was Soobin. Thinking of everyone else before himself, or maybe he did think of himself, but chose other people first. Beomgyu would never know. Maybe it was because he was selfish. “Kai and Taehyun seemed happy yesterday,” he added, opening his eyes to look at Soobin.

He was staring at the wall behind Beomgyu, “Did they? I wish I could’ve seen them,” he smiled. Soobin would often run his hands through Beomgyu’s hair whenever Beomgyu was in a bad mood, but as he looked at Soobin’s face, took in his cracked lips and the circles underneath his eyes, the thought crossed his mind that maybe he was Soobin’s comfort too.

The thought left Beomgyu feeling light, like he could be carried away by the wind.

“I’m sure they wanted to see you too.”

Soobin nodded, “Wanna get ice cream?”

The shop was empty, as it usually was in the winter. Winter had a habit of doing that; sucking away the joy of summer, and leaving everyone cold.

Beomgyu decided to pay for the ice cream, and now he was slightly regretting it. Soobin took advantage of Beomgyu's kindness and got the largest bowl, filling it with three flavours.

They sat at a table shoved at the corner of the parlour. It was snowing hard outside. Beomgyu took small spoonfuls of his ice cream into his mouth, his eyes on Soobin who was staring at his large bowl. He was letting out soft sighs, the under of his eyes puffy. "Soobin?"

Soobin's eyes didn't move, they were glued to his bowl, which remained untouched. It didn't sit right with Beomgyu, "Hey, Soob," he kicked the table's leg, causing it to shake.

Soobin looked up, startled, “Sorry, what?"

"What's with you today? You're so bleh," Beomgyu took another spoon of ice cream into his mouth.

Soobin shrugged and shook his head, "Nothing, Beomgyu. Sorry."

Beomgyu's shoulders slumped down, "Why did you come over then? If you weren't gonna tell me what's wrong?" He stirred the melting ice cream in his cup.

"Nothing's wrong, Beomgyu," Soobin looked out the window, refusing to meet Beomgyu's eyes.

"Say that to your face, dude," Beomgyu scoffed.

Beomgyu was frustrated. Frustrated at the feeling that was bubbling in his stomach. He could feel it growing, starting to boil, he didn't want to know what would happen if it were to spill over. He didn't want to have to clean up the mess.

"That's rich coming from you," Soobin snapped his head back to Beomgyu.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Beomgyu didn't dare look back to Soobin, even though he could feel his eyes on him. They were digging, cutting, eating away at him. They were harsh, and it hurt. They had never done that before. He wondered if they would leave marks on his skin.

Soobin didn't answer, he stayed quiet. He turned to look back at him. Soobin's eyes were wide, his mouth half-open, searching for words. Even he had a line he couldn't cross, and he caught himself trying.

"Fuck. I'm sorry." He leaned over to him, grabbing his arm. "Beomgyu, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, I don't know what that was."

Soobin was talking fast, his eyes shifting from the table to Beomgyu's face as he spoke. Whatever Beomgyu felt boiling in his stomach had long simmered down, it was still. Calm, like a lake after a storm, the ripples had died out.

Beomgyu had never seen Soobin like this, Soobin had never spoken with an ounce of venom in his voice.

Beomgyu grabbed onto Soobin's hand, wrapped around his arm, "Soobin, please, what's wrong?"

"I don't know...I'm just tired, I think. I'm really sorry," Soobin looked at Beomgyu with the same eyes that were scratching at him just moments ago, now patching him up, slowly, they were applying ointment onto his skin. Beomgyu didn't think they'd scar.

Beomgyu shook his head, "I shouldn't have pushed you," He knew better than to push people when they were upset.

But Soobin was always ready to catch his tears, holding them with such care as if they were pieces of glass that he couldn't let shatter.

"I just wanted to help you like how you help me..." Beomgyu looked down at the now melted ice cream. It was frowning at him in the cup, the white vanilla liquid staring at him.

Soobin's grip loosened on his arm, "Oh Beomgyu..." he started, "You do, you help me in so many ways," Beomgyu heard a sniffle, his eyes shifted to Soobin, whose eyes were now glassy with tears begging to spill over.

Beomgyu almost wished they would fall, so that he could catch them.

But Soobin's tears would never fall to Beomgyu. They were held captive. And they weren't something for Beomgyu to catch, maybe they didn't need catching. Maybe that's just how they worked. Soobin did the catching. But what did Beomgyu do?

"Don't go crying on me," Beomgyu grinned, hitting Soobin's arm.

A smile slowly crept over Soobin's lips. And Beomgyu noticed it—the effect he had on him. Maybe he was dull, but maybe that's what Soobin liked about him. Sometimes the sun was too bright, maybe Beomgyu was the shade; there for him to hide under when it got too much. He was cool on the skin, subtle. Never demanding and was there when he needed him. He just had to go searching.

And that's what Soobin did, he dragged himself to Beomgyu's house and let himself sit in the comfort of the shade. Beomgyu shouldn't have tried to be more.

"Dude, I won't," Soobin pushed Beomgyu in return, "So.." he leaned back on his chair, "What's going on with you and Yeonjun?"

Beomgyu felt his muscles bunch together, "Sorry what? What do you mean?"

Soobin shrugged, "I mean, you guys seemed off that time at the theatre. But you never told me anything so I guess it’s nothing right?" He had started eating his ice cream.

Beomgyu held in his breath, he could tell Soobin the truth. About the kiss in the snow, about Yeonjun coming over, about the other night, about the cafe. Soobin was his best friend, he knew everything about him. But there was that word again, nothing.

"Yeah, it’s nothing, we're fine."

Some things were better when no one else knew about them. Besides, what was happening with Yeonjun was nothing.

"That reminds me, I'm hanging out with him tonight. I should get going." Beomgyu stood, walking over to hug Soobin. His spoon was halfway towards his mouth when Beomgyu wrapped his arms around him, causing his hand to move and spill his soupy ice cream, "And don't worry about before, we're good." He walked towards the door, "Text me if you need anything!"

Beomgyu had left Soobin with a feeling gnawing at his stomach. It was Guilt, tightening its grip around him. There was a thought at the back of his head, trying to make its way to the front.

It went unheard.

Beomgyu stood at the front gate of the school. It was getting dark, the street lamps turning on. Students were leaving the building, weaving past him as he stood, looking over people’s heads for a certain blond. He checked his phone, 5:24pm. He sighed and stood on his tiptoes, scanning the courtyard again.

His phone started ringing in his hands,

“Hello?”

“Dude, where are you? I’m at the front,” Yeonjun was on the other end.

“Bro, impossible, I’m at the front,” He spun around as he spoke, trying to see if he had missed him.

"Describe your surroundings."

"Um...I don't know? The front?"

"The front, seriously?" he could hear Yeonjun rolling his eyes and felt a small smile grow on his lips.

"I'm kidding. I'm by the gates, like right in the middle of them," he continued to look around.

"Stop fucking with me, seriously where are you?"

"I'm not lying!" Beomgyu’s voice went octaves higher.

"That's impossible, I'm by the gates," there was a hint of a laugh in his words.

Beomgyu frowned, it clicked, "You're fucking with me, aren't you?" He looked back at the main entrance of the university. Yeonjun stepped out of the front doors, he put an arm in the air and waved.

Beomgyu hung up and walked over. They met halfway.

Yeonjun laughed, "You should've seen yourself spin around," he brought his arms up protectively as Beomgyu swatted at him.

"Screw you."

Beomgyu pulled away, letting Yeonjun control his laughter. Beomgyu's eyes traced him down, taking in his blue baggy jeans (they had a large hole at the knee in one of the legs, Beomgyu wondered if they let in cold. But Yeonjun was always so warm, did he feel the cold?), a black long-sleeved shirt tucked into it, tied tight with a black belt. His long black overcoat draped over him, open. Someone as warm as Yeonjun couldn't possibly feel the cold.

Yeonjun wrapped an arm around Beomgyu, pulling him close, "'Cmon, it was funny and you know it."

Beomgyu sighed admitting defeat, "Yeah it was pretty funny," he glanced over at Yeonjun, who was staring back at him. They always seemed to meet. "Where to now?"

Yeonjun started walking, dragging him alone, "Can we go to the pharmacy?"

"Sure, are you sick?" they had started walking.

"What? No. I want to get hair dye."

"You're changing your hair?"

"Maybe. We'll see."

"What colour?"

Yeonjun shrugged, "Why? You won't kiss me if I change my hair?" He brought his face close, Beomgyu could feel his warm breath on his lips.

Beomgyu shoved him off, he could feel the burn on his cheeks. Sometimes the sun was too strong,

"You're really something today, huh?"

Yeonjun smiled, cheekily and pulled open the door of the pharmacy.

They stood in front of a multicoloured shelf, different brands and types of dye stocked on rows. Beomgyu watched Yeonjun's eyes scan the dyes. He seemed to take this very seriously. Every time Beomgyu tried to speak, Yeonjun would hold a finger up, shushing him.

But Beomgyu was bored of standing around, "Yeonjun, first off, what colours have you done?"

Yeonjun turned to look at him, crossing his arms, "Like, blue, blue-grey, neon yellow, pink."

Beomgyu nodded, trying to keep up, "No wonder your hair's fried, that's a shit ton of bleach."

Yeonjun shrugged, "Whatever, it grows back," he turned back to the shelves.

"Maybe try black?" Beomgyu took a box off the shelf and held it up to Yeonjun.

"Black?" he took it into his hands, reading the box, spinning it around.

"Your hair needs a break from bleach. I'm scared it'll fall off when I touch it," Beomgyu brought a hand to Yeonjun's hair, feeling it tangle around his hands. It was dry.

Yeonjun looked to him, his eyes falling to Beomgyu's lips. They must've been his favourite spot, or maybe he wanted something. "We can't have that," it came out barely a whisper.

A side of Beomgyu's mouth quirked up, and he brought his lips to Yeonjun's, closing the space. He wondered if he'd ever get used to the feeling of his heart skipping beats like a broken record whenever he leaned in. Yeonjun's lips were gentle and soft, they were light against his own, a whisper of a kiss on his mouth, he pulled away. He looked back at Beomgyu, "Black could be nice."

Beomgyu nodded, pulling himself off of Yeonjun, "I'll get the hair treatments, I'm assuming you have the stuff at your place to do it?"

"Yeah, just meet me at the cash, k?"

Beomgyu threw a thumbs up in response and went to the other aisle, searching for the shampoos and hair masks. He found himself at the travel section, miniature versions of everything were stacked. He looked at different bottles, "shampoo, no, no, no, no, no, oh!" Beomgyu grabbed a blue packet that stood on a small stand, it read, hair strengthening. He grabbed two and a bottle of conditioner.

He made his way to the cash registers, Yeonjun was standing in line, scrolling on his phone. "Is this good?" Beomgyu showed him the treatment and conditioner.

"Perfect, thanks," he went to grab them but Beomgyu held them close to his chest.

"No, I got it. Besides you're holding the box."

Yeonjun didn't fight him on it.

"How were your classes by the way?" Beomgyu spoke as the line advanced.

"Boring? I mean it was hard to focus."

"Why? You seem like you're good when you put your mind to something," they placed their things on the counter for the cashier to scan.

"I was too excited to see you," Yeonjun pulled out his wallet from his pocket. "Hi," he turned his attention to the cashier.

Beomgyu's breath was caught in his throat as he watched Yeonjun pay. It was far off somewhere, trying to find his thoughts. Beomgyu was always so lost when it came to Yeonjun, he didn't understand how someone could stand there and say exactly what Beomgyu was feeling. It felt good, to hear Yeonjun say what he had been thinking for so long,

"I was excited to see you too."

Yeonjun's place was small, everything about him was so extravagant. He was in your face, it was hard for him to be subtle. But as Beomgyu stepped into the apartment, kicking off his shoes, he noticed various amounts of boots, and sneakers, all in the same size.

Setting his next to a pair of worn hightops, he looked around the living room. In it sat a single couch, it was one of those that were made out of itchy fabric that left a rash on your skin if you were wearing shorts. There was a small coffee table in front of it, and a small tv stand, with a black box. There was no wall that separated the kitchen from the living room, it was an open space.

Yeonjun kicked off his shoes and threw his bag onto the floor, taking off his jacket and throwing it onto the scratchy-looking couch. Beomgyu did the same. He held the pharmacy bag close to his chest, "Where are your parents?" he looked to the older boy, who made his way to the kitchen/living room.

"Far, in my hometown. Do you want something to drink?" He turned his head to Beomgyu, glancing over his shoulder.

Beomgyu shook his head, stepping into a small space, "Is that why you work?"

Yeonjun walked back over to him, "Yep, to pay for rent."

"Why did you move away?" He wondered if he was asking too many questions.

If he did, Yeonjun didn’t seem to mind.

"I wanted to?" Yeonjun shrugged, "I wanted a new scene, so I got one."

Beomgyu slowly nodded, looking around. He pictured Yeonjun, still in high school, saving up whatever money he could, what colour would his hair have been then?

"You've come far."

Beomgyu felt a hand on his wrist, "'Cmon, let's go dye my hair black," Yeonjun pulled him towards a hall. There were a few photos on the wall, they looked like the ones that came with the frame.

The bathroom was small, cramped, there were cracks in the tiles and the shower was a standing tub. The walls were an ugly yellow, but Beomgyu noticed the sink, there was a single toothbrush sitting to the side, a tube of toothpaste with it, keeping it company. There were dashes of colour on the sink, pink and blue. Stains from the past hair dyeing sessions, had he spent them alone?

Was it bad that beomgyu was hoping he did? Was it wrong to hope that no one else had stood in the pharmacy and helped him pick a color? Maybe it was a little selfish that he wished that Yeonjun had been alone.

Beomgyu took in the bathroom again. This time, he took in the empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner, even the garbage that was filled with hair treatment pouches, the ones from the travel section (they were less expensive).

"I'm gonna go change my shirt, uh, do you want one too? It would be bad to get black dye on your clothes," Yeonjun stayed by the doorway.

"Yeah, thanks."

Yeonjun left the bathroom, leaving Beomgyu to himself. He stepped into the hall again, walking around the apartment. The kitchen had mugs drying on a rack, they looked like the ones from the cafe. There was a kettle plugged in and an empty container of cup noodles on the counter.

"This should fit, you’re pretty small," the voice stopped. Beomgyu turned, Yeonjun had walked into an empty bathroom. He watched Yeonjun turn back, walking into the hall again, "Beomgyu?"

"I'm right here," they met at the front of the door.

"Here," Yeonjun handed him a grey t-shirt, it had bleach stains all over.

"I'm just gonna...change my shirt then," he didn't know where to put his eyes. Something about being at Yeonjun's threw him off. It was like they were in their own world, they'd be undisturbed for as long as they wanted, no one would walk in and pull them out. Beomgyu thought it was too much power.

"You can change in my room, it's at the end of the hall, it's the only door. I'll start pouring the dye."

Beomgyu made his way down the hall, Yeonjun's bedroom bright, it was the only room in the apartment that had light, lots of it. There were LED lights taped around the edges of the bed, they were glowing a dim blue. Instead of windows, it had a balcony. The curtains were drawn but left a crack for the moon to peek its way in. Even in this world, the moon and the sun were drawn to each other.

Yeonjun's bed was unmade, the black comforter spilling to the floor. His desk was messy with papers and books, his work apron hanging on the chair.

Yeonjun's apartment was small, the living room and kitchen were the same room, and it only had one bedroom and one bathroom. But Yeonjun had made it his own, with every stain on the bathroom sink, the shoes by the door, the stolen mugs from the cafe, drying on the rack, it was Yeonjun.

Beomgyu was inside the deepest part of him, with every crack at the corner of the walls, and the chip in the paint, they were holding pieces of him, deep inside them. And he got to experience all of it.

Beomgyu came back to the bathroom, with Yeonjun sitting on the toilet, holding a dye bowl in his hands. He was wearing a bright orange sweater, like Beomgyu's, it had bleach stains all over it.

"Have you ever dyed hair before?" Yeonjun handed him a pair of gloves.

"No, but they show up on my youtube recommended all the time and the ten-second preview I get when my mouse hovers over the video is very educational," Beomgyu put on the gloves, a grin on his face.

"Oh God," Yeonjun moved his legs anxiously.

"You'll be fine, it's like painting" Beomgyu grabbed the bowl from his hands, "Okay now stop moving."

Beomgyu dipped the brush into the bowl. He made sure the full thing was coated before pulling it out, "What do you think about a skunk style?"

"Beomgyu, I swear to god," Yeonjun was gritting his teeth.

Beomgyu laughed and started stroking the brush onto Yeonjun's hair, "Kidding kidding."

Neither of them spoke as Beomgyu worked. Yeonjun's eyes were closed and they only opened when Beomgyu nudged him to turn around so he could do the back of his head. Everything within the apartment was still but them. He moved around wet clumps, checking if he missed any spots. When he was satisfied, he nudged Yeonjun again, who seemed to be dozing off.

"Hey," he whispered, bringing his mouth close to his ear, "I'm done, do you want to see how it looks so far?"

Yeonjun left his eyes closed, "Mmmm," he hummed, "It felt nice."

Beomgyu felt a tug at his lips, his chest feeling warm. Yeonjun's lips were in a pout, his head nodding off. Beomgyu found this incredibly adorable, "Okay, I need to cover your hair though, then you could lay down."

"Underneath the sink."

Beomgyu put the brush in the bowl. He pulled off the black gloves and squatted down to open the cupboard underneath the sink. There was a small pile of plastic bags, different sizes of dyeing bowls, a box of black rubber gloves, toner, a container of bleach and developer. Hair dyeing seemed more complicated when it came to bleaching. He grabbed a plastic bag. Putting it over Yeonjun's hair, making sure all strands were hidden inside.

"Where do you want to lay down?"

"We can go to the couch," Yeonjun opened his eyes, they looked small with exhaustion. He stood up slowly, stretching. He made his way to the open space, "Can you put a timer for 30 minutes?"

Beomgyu pulled out his phone, walking to the living room. Yeonjun followed him, drowsily.

Yeonjun stopped at the couch, staring at it. Beomgyu faced him, trying to hold in his laughter, his lips pressed together. Yeonjun looked ridiculous with a plastic bag on his head.

Beomgyu sat down and pat his lap, "Lay your head here so you don't dirty the couch."

Yeonjun didn't say a word as dropped to the couch, gently resting his head on Beomgyu's lap.

Beomgyu's eyes cracked open, his eyes adjusting to the light he saw a figure in the room. It took a few seconds before Beomgyu remembered where he was; in Yeonjun's apartment, waiting for the timer to go off. Beomgyu had started to stand, his arms against the sides of the couch helping him push himself up. Yeonjun placed a hand on his arm, "Lay down, I'll just go wash my hair."

Beomgyu didn't say anything, he didn't have the energy to. His body was calling to the couch, his eyes closing on their own. He felt his head hit the armrest and his view was filled with darkness. As his mind slowly sank into its subconscious, Beomgyu felt a hand go through his hair.

Fingers wrapping around his strands, soft tugs, the warmth of skin on his forehead and temples. It was warm, and it was safe. He felt as though nothing could hurt him, as long as he was there.

Is this what it felt to be held in the palm of someone's hand?

Beomgyu woke, face hidden in the back of the couch, the fabric scratching at his face. The smell of meat being pan-fried filled his nose as he rolled over. The smell of soy sauce and sesame oil followed with it. Beomgyu pulled himself up, his back cracking in protest. He rubbed his eyes as they started to focus. Beomgyu rested his head on the back of the couch, watching as a broad back maneuvered itself around the small kitchen space with newly dyed hair.

Yeonjun turned, freezing in place as he noticed Beomgyu staring, "You're awake."

Beomgyu peeled his head away, "I am."

"Did I make too much noise?"

Beomgyu shook his head, "No, you're good," he stood.

"I'm just making us something to eat," Yeonjun pointed to the oven behind him.

Beomgyu walked over, nodding, "It smells good."

Yeonjun didn't answer. Beomgyu had made his way over, bringing his hands to Yeonjun's dark black hair. Standing on his tiptoes, he ran his hands all over, from the front to the back. He brought his hands down to Yeonjun's face, he had the sun in his hands. How he wished it could all be his, but it would be selfish to ask for a whole star. Not even just a simple star, the biggest and the brightest. Beomgyu was selfish, but not that selfish.

"Do you like your hair? Did I do a good job?" there was a smile on his lips.

"You did a great job, I love it," Yeonjun brought his hands to Beomgyu's sides, helping him keep balance.

"Yeah? I'm glad," Beomgyu rubbed his thumbs over Yeonjun's cheeks, they puffed out, letting his thumbs sink into the soft skin.

Yeonjun tugged his hips pressing him closer to him, their chests against each other, "Do you like it?" his voice was soft, his words lost in his breath, Beomgyu could feel them against his skin.

Did he like it? Yeonjun looked good blond, it complimented his skin tone. But black, black was striking, it made the pink of his lips more vibrant, his eyes clearer. And Beomgyu saw all of it perfectly.

He felt his cheeks flush, and looked away from Yeonjun's face, "Yeah, I like it if you like it."

Yeonjun nosed his way closer to Beomgyu, trying to meet his eyes, "You're doing it again," he whispered, breath hot against his face.

"Doing what?"

"Looking away from me."

Beomgyu lifted his chin up, his nose brushing against the tip of Yeonjun's, his eyes meeting his. It was like a tug to the heart, staring into his eyes. The dark orbs holding something Beomgyu had never seen before, it was a nebula, the birth of a new star. Beomgyu couldn't help but think that maybe this one was for him. It was his to keep safe.

"Don't worry, I see you. Even when I'm not looking, you're all I see."

Yeonjun brought his face closer to Beomgyu, his smile pressing itself against his lips. Yeonjun placed soft kisses on his mouth before biting at his lip. Beomgyu parted them willingly, letting Yeonjun lick into his mouth. Beomgyu's hands moved from his face to his chest. Feeling a thump on his palm as Yeonjun brought his mouth to his jaw, kissing and biting softly.

Beomgyu only pulled away when the smell of meat filled his nose once again, reminding him of the stove. "Yeonjun," he pushed him away gently, "The stove..." he trailed off. Beomgyu's brain still had to catch up to him, it was stuck on the feeling of Yeonjun's lips and teeth against his skin, hands on his waist, bodies touching. Beomgyu felt dizzy at the thought.

Yeonjun quickly moved towards the stove, turning it off and setting the pan to the side. "Shit, thanks, Beomgyu," he was out of breath. Lips pinky red, Beomgyu wanted to taste them again. He didn't need the savoury taste of beef, Yeonjun was enough.

But Beomgyu helped take out the plates, and the utensils with Yeonjun's help of direction. They sat on the couch to eat, they didn't talk much as they bit into their food. Beomgyu didn't really mind.

They had moved to Yeonjun's room, sitting on the bed. Beomgyu was playing with the remote for the LED lights, changing the colours, "What's your favourite colour to have on?"

Yeonjun lay on his stomach, facing him, chin in his hands as he watched, "Probably purple or blue. Red's too strong and green seems weird."

Beomgyu nodded, "What about white?" he switched the colour. "Too bright," they said together, letting out a soft laugh at their timing.

He and Yeonjun flowed, they were harmonious. Opposing but fit well, they understood how to work around each other. Beomgyu didn't feel this way with any other person, not even Soobin, the person who knows him better than anyone. They were electric and bass guitars, different sounds, but the same fundamental parts.

"So, what did you do today?" Yeonjun asked, watching Beomgyu fiddle with the remote.

"I hung out with Soobin," Beomgyu switched the colour to pink.

"Oh, how did he find Open House? He was helping right?"

Beomgyu nodded, casting the remote aside, "He said it was long and tiring," he paused before speaking again, "He seemed really upset today though."

"Upset?"

Beomgyu sighed, "He kinda snapped today," he sunk down to Yeonjun's level, laying his stomach on the bed.

"Snapped? That doesn't really sound like him."

"It's not!" Beomgyu's hands flew open, he didn't realize they had been closed. "I just, I just wanted him to tell me what was wrong. He never tells me."

Yeonjun nodded, not saying a word. Beomgyu appreciated having someone to listen, someone who told just as much as he did.

"Like, I'm expected to tell him everything, and he's always there when I'm upset. So why can't he do the same to me? Why doesn't he ever confide in me? It's like he's holding everything to himself when I'm right there. If I can tell him everything, why can't he tell me?" Beomgyu played with his hands.

"Maybe he doesn't want you to worry?" Yeonjun's eyes shifted to Beomgyu's hands, he grabbed them, holding them tight.

"I don't know...I mean we figured it out or whatever. We didn't leave on a bad note. It's just- if I tell him everything, why can't he tell me?" Beomgyu held onto Yeonjun's hands, he felt he was on a tightrope, they were keeping him balanced.

"You seriously tell him everything?"

"Everything," Beomgyu felt a knot in his stomach.

Yeonjun raised a brow, giving him a look.

Beomgyu sighed, "Well not this. But this is nothing so...technically there's nothing to tell him."

The grip on his hands loosened and Yeonjun pulled his hands away, rolling onto his back, "Nothing, right."

Beomgyu frowned at the loss of contact and brought himself closer. He held his face over Yeonjun's, pouting, "Hey, what's wrong," he ran a hand through the dark hair, he loved it.

"Nothing," he reached for Beomgyu's hand, holding it in his again.

The library was packed. Beomgyu hated the library but the cafe had become a place where he could no longer face. There were too many distractions, and the biggest was in the shape of a tall boy. That boy was really good at convincing Beomgyu to focus on other things. Things like his lips.

Yeonjun's lips must've been cut from the softest of cotton. One you would shove in a pillow to stuff it. When Beomgyu kissed him he felt lightheaded, like he couldn't stand on his own two feet. He was lucky that Yeonjun was always there to hold him, guide him.

Beomgyu shook the thought out of his head, even when he wasn't around, Yeonjun was a distraction. Beomgyu was staring at his laptop screen, flashing brightly at him. He had been staring at the same composition for weeks, but nothing ever came to mind.

Uninspired didn't even brush the way Beomgyu felt. It wasn't that he didn't like what he had already put down, it was that, to him, it was nothing. It was like he couldn't even hear it. He played it over and over and over until he was sure he was speaking in the same beats per minute.

He felt suffocated in his own creation, it had been eating away at him like a maggot in rotting fruit. Rotting—that's what he felt. Like everything that he thought he knew about music was slipping away and he found himself becoming an empty shell.

Is this what it was like to fall out of love? To watch it slowly slip away out of reach while desperately calling on it to stay? It was like a knife to the heart, sharp pain in the chest. He wanted to rip it out of his chest and pray that that pain would be more bearable. Is it easier to feel without a heart?

Beomgyu sighed and slammed his laptop shut. Heads turned to watch him as he shoved the useless thing into his bag. He stood and made his way to the main entrance of the university, he had to meet Kai.

Kai was in casual clothing today, with light blue jeans and a green sweatshirt. He held his big jacket in his arms. Beomgyu pushed his composition to the back of his head, along with one thousand other different things he deemed as unimportant, "Hey Kai!" he ran up to him.

Kai waved at him, "There you are."

"Sorry, I lost track of time in the library. We still have time before my class though, we can put your coat in my locker."

"Okay."

Beomgyu's locker was on the third floor. It was the same size as all the others in the school but shoved in the back of a sketchy hallway whose lights always seemed to be burnt out. In short, Beomgyu avoided it. "When you sign up for a locker, make sure to do it fast so you don't get stuck in a shitty place like this," he played with the combination.

"I'm assuming you waited till the last minute?"

"No, I wasn't aware that we had to sign up for them, Soobin told me," Beomgyu never really knew things unless Soobin told him about them.

"Ah. Yeah, that makes sense," Kai laughed, it was different. It was holding itself in, it didn't let itself run around the room and cause havoc. Beomgyu turned to look at Kai, that's when he saw him. Holding his hands together, close to his body. He was shrinking into himself. Beomgyu often forgot how shy Kai really was.

"Are you nervous?" he asked,

Kai shook his head but then changed his mind, "Yeah, a little."

Beomgyu took the thick, black jacket from Kai's hands and shoved it into the small space. The door barely closing, "I want to tell you not to be, but...I think it's okay to be nervous. I mean, this is new for you."

Kai slowly nodded, taking the words in, "But I'm not as nervous as I would be if you weren't here."

Beomgyu turned to Kai, his hands were red from the struggle of fitting the jacket in, "Me?"

Kai shrugged, "Well yeah, I mean, you were there on my first day of high school too."

"Yeah but Soobin showed you around, not me," Beomgyu started walking, they had to get to the fifth floor for class.

"But you were my first real friend."

Beomgyu stopped, "I was?"

He remembered the first time Kai went to buy his lunch, he was shy then too. He remembered watching Kai slowly crack himself open, revealing little parts of himself that Beomgyu always tried to catch and hold close. It was those moments that made Beomgyu wish he didn't have to walk the stage at graduation, how could he leave Kai behind?

"Yeah, you didn't have to show me around, you weren't asked by the school or by Soobin, you made sure I was always comfortable. You still do that."

Beomgyu didn't know at what point he made himself believe that to keep Kai he'd have to do it himself. At what point did he stop believing that Kai would follow him and Soobin anywhere? What made him think it only had to be him?

"Of course I do, Kai, you're one of my best friends."

Kai wrapped an arm around Beomgyu, "I never doubted it, 'Cmon, lead the way, I don't want to be late to my first unofficial class just because you can't keep track of time."

They walked down the halls together, Kai found it hard to keep track of all the turns and the going up an escalator and then the going down, "How are we still on the fourth floor? We literally just went down."

"Dude, that's just how it works, don't question it," Beomgyu stepped into class, taking his usual seat in the middle row.

"Aren't you like a back row kinda guy? You think you're cool but really you just want to nap?"

Beomgyu placed his bag on the desk, "Haha Kai, so funny, that's really cute." His smile was far from genuine.

The classes went smoothly, in Beomgyu's opinion. He wasn't more distracted with Kai there like he thought he would be, if anything he was more focused. He wanted to make a good impression on him, or maybe it was because every time Beomgyu tried to talk to Kai he was shushed and told to listen. Not the class experience he was hoping for, but his chest rose with pride watching Kai look interested in what the professor was saying.

Did Beomgyu have that glint in his eyes when he first started? When did he lose it? Was it ever there? Beomgyu thought that it must've been those nights he spent bent over his guitar learning the chords, fiddling with melodies, recording them into his phone. The nights he spent with the bright screen flashing on his face as he worked on composition files on garageband. As Beomgyu struggled to scribble notes down, he wondered, where had it all gone?

The professor walked out of the class and Beomgyu stood from his seat, "Well that was my last class, what did you think?"

Kai sat there, his mouth moving, searching for his words, "I never knew how much was put into music, and the history and techniques. Woah."

Beomgyu nodded, agreeing, "It's a lot, I hope you enjoyed the long lectures though."

Kai stood up, "No I loved them," he paused, "This feels really good."

Beomgyu smiled, shoving his notebook and pencils into his bag, "I'm glad, I think this is for you, honestly," a part of Beomgyu hurt at the thought that maybe this wasn't for him. Maybe somewhere down the road, he made a wrong turn. Maybe Kai had gotten it right, and now Beomgyu had to watch.

A part of him wished it was him instead of Kai. The thought ate away at him and filled him with guilt; he wanted to be filled with nothing but happiness for him.

But Beomgyu was selfish, and that was an impossible thing for him to do.

Kai and Beomgyu were sitting at the cafe, a pattern that had grown for the both of them. It had become an unwritten rule that once you were done with your activities for the day, you would go to the cafe. Even when Yeonjun wasn't working. They had made it their unofficial hangout location, it was rare that you would be there alone, and if you were, it was never for long.

Yeonjun wasn't working when they had walked in, which was no surprise to Beomgyu. Today, Yeonjun had night classes which was synonymous with having to pay for your own drink.

Beomgyu had pulled open his laptop again, his file still opened. Kai was reading a history textbook. Their drinks were sitting by them as they worked in silence. Beomgyu had begun shaking his knee up and down nervously, Kai had noticed it.

"You're shaking the table."

Beomgyu looked up, "Am I?"

"Yeah, like an earthquake," he highlighted a line in his textbook.

"Sorry," Beomgyu looked back at his laptop, he had gotten nothing done.

"What are you so stressed about?" Kai finally looked up.

Beomgyu sighed, "Just an assignment," he lied through his teeth. Beomgyu had finished all his assignments, this was personal. He had lost the ability to indulge himself in the world of music, and the ability to create.

"Oh, I'm sure you can do it," Kai smiled at him. A smile that almost led Beomgyu to believe it was true. Kai wasn't a liar but he wasn't Kai.

"Thanks."

As time passed on Taehyun made his way in, ordering his drink and then taking a seat next to Kai, he was in his school uniform.

"Hey! How were the classes?" He nudged Kai.

"They were super cool! What did I miss at school?"

"Not much, it was the same as it always was. Boring. But tell me about the classes, I'm interested."

Beomgyu listened as Kai told Taehyun about their day. About the teacher stuttering, the classmate falling asleep and being left in the dark of the classroom as the lecture ended as students trickled out. He told Taehyun about how many people crowded some halls and how others felt completely empty. Told him about how he felt he could be walking and suddenly go missing while walking down the hall to Beomgyu's locker, how it felt like one you'd see out of a horror movie and that they must sign up early for lockers so they don't end up there.

"Sounds like a busy day," Taehyun pulled a stack of papers out of his back, he started stapling.

"What are those?" Beomgyu asked, closing his laptop for the second time of the day with getting absolutely nothing done.

"Resumes," he stated.

"Why?" This was more appealing than staring at a screen.

"For a job. No wonder you don't have one, Beomgyu. You need a resume to get one, it's not by fluke," Taehyun rolled his eyes.

Beomgyu kicked him from underneath the table, "I know that. But why are you looking for a job?"

"For money- Geez Beomgyu, shit doesn't come for free. You gotta pay for things."

"But you make an allowance," Beomgyu ignored Taehyun’s teases.

"But I want more," he stapled another.

Beomgyu nodded, "Have you thought about where to apply?"

"Some random convenience stores I guess? Or a grocery store, nothing fancy."

"Have you thought about here?"

Taehyun stopped stapling, "Here?"

"Yeah, the cafe," Beomgyu dragged his hand across the surface of his laptop.

"No, I haven't."

"Well, it's close. You know it, and you know Yeonjun. I can talk to him about it if you want.” Maybe Beomgyu was putting too much faith in his friendship with Yeonjun, he didn’t want to disappoint Taehyun. He didn’t want to watch that little light in his eyes disappear, he wanted to preserve it. Keep the light for as long as he can, he didn’t want to watch it flicker away like it had done for him, “No promises though."

"Beomgyu, that would be really helpful! That might be the smartest thing you've ever said," Taehyun sat closer towards the edge of his seat, leaning onto the table, his eyes open wide.

Beomgyu didn't know whether or not he should be offended, "Sure."

Taehyun went back to his stapling without another word.

Beomgyu was laying on Yeonjun's scratchy couch, scrolling through his phone. Yeonjun was still at work, he had let Beomgyu in before he left. He thought maybe a different setting would help him with music, a part of him was begging to give up, the other trying to hold on. But as the bright light from his phone shone on his face, his laptop tightly locked away in his bag, he knew, sometimes it was better to give up.

Maybe it wasn't for him, not all things work out. Beomgyu knew that, he knew it from the moment he felt the music slip away from his fingers. It was so far, he could barely see it. It was a figure fading away in the dark, when was the last time he had played for the stars? Did they know that it was his last show? Did they give him a standing ovation? Did they throw flowers? Did they shine a little brighter? Did they even care? Were they watching? Or had he been playing to his own shadow all along.

The door opened, Beomgyu turned his head over, a black-haired boy walking in.

"Hey," Yeonjun stood at the entrance, carrying a large bag. There was snow in his hair and his cheeks were flushed red.

"Is it snowing?" Beomgyu sat up, setting the phone on the seat next to him.

Yeonjun shook out his hair, flakes falling onto the floor, melting as they reached the ground. Beomgyu watched the tiny puddle forming.

"Gyu? Beomgyu?"

Beomgyu's attention broke away from the puddle. Looking up, he was met with a Yeonjun's pinkish face. His lips were slightly cracked, dry from the cold.

Beomgyu brought his hands to the boy's cheeks, they felt cold against his hands. Looking at Yeonjun's face, at his eyes, his nose, his lips, Beomgyu felt lost. He was lost in all of it, how could you be lost and found at the same time? Beomgyu was found.

"Your hands are warm," Yeonjun moved his hands to his face, holding Beomgyu's hands into his.

"No, you're just cold," he shook his head. Yeonjun was the warm one out of the two. Beomgyu was dull, Soobin had said it after all, and no one knew Beomgyu better than Soobin, he knew everything about him.

Maybe not everything.

Despite the cold nipping away at his hands as he held Yeonjun’s face in his hands, he felt warm.

"Go change, I'll make you some tea," Beomgyu pressed a soft kiss to Yeonjun's lips.

Yeonjun smiled, and Beomgyu's heart did that thing where it randomly decided to stop. A feeling he didn't think he'd ever get used to. Yeonjun stood up from where he was crouched and walked towards the bathroom.

Beomgyu went over into the kitchen, holding the kettle to the sink, filling it. As the water boiled he searched through the cabinets for the mugs.

"The top one of the left," Yeonjun stood at the edge of the kitchen and the living room, he was liminal.

Beomgyu opened the cabinet and pulled out the mugs. He turned to face him, he was wearing grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. Yeonjun took out two tea bags, placing them into the mugs.

"Are you gonna stay tonight? You didn't last time," Yeonjun was looking at the floor, kicking the air with his feet.

"I can," Beomgyu leaned onto the counter, watching him.

"I'd like it if you would."

"Then I will," Beomgyu fiddled with his fingers as he waited, "Oh, that reminds me," he started again as a thought came across his mind.

"Taehyun's been looking for a job."

"Has he?" Yeonjun poured the water into the mugs.

"Mhm. And I was thinking...You have a job."

Yeonjun grabbed the sugar from the cupboard, "Yes, I do."

"Yeonjun, you don't take sugar," Beomgyu stopped, distracted by the older's movements.

"But you do. Anyways, what about Taehyun?" Yeonjun put sugar in one of the mugs and slid it over to him.

"Right, yeah," Beomgyu took his mug. Yeonjun had remembered, "So I was thinking that maybe you can help him? Or maybe you guys are hiring?"

Yeonjun held his mug in his hands, "If he applies, I can put in a good word but that's all I can promise."

Beomgyu jumped up, "Really?"

"Sure, just make sure he tells them that he knows me," he sipped at his tea.

Beomgyu nodded and went over to his phone that still sat on the couch, "I'll tell him right now," He brought his phone back with him to the kitchen, it quickly vibrated again,

[Taehyun, 6:35pm ]

Thank you so much! Tell him I appreciate it!

"Taehyun says thank you," Beomgyu said, putting his back in his pocket. He couldn't sit still, he knew this mattered a lot to Taehyun, and being able to help him, made him feel good. Like he mattered. And maybe that was the wrong approach to it, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling it. He didn't want to be a passerby friend, he wanted to know that he meant something. Being able to help did that.

"Did you get anything done while I was gone? You know, music-wise?"

Beomgyu frowned, the little bounce in his feet gone, "No,” he sighed, “Maybe I should stop trying."

"Stop trying? Why would you do that?" Yeonjun pulled the mug away from his mouth.

"Because it's not fucking working and I feel pathetic trying," Beomgyu was staring into his tea, he could feel the irritation burn through his nerves.

"You can't just stop trying."

"Why not? It's easier."

"Just because something's easy doesn't mean it's good or the right thing to do."

Beomgyu stayed quiet. Beomgyu's head felt too heavy to move, he felt comfortable with his eyes facing the floor. Sometimes the sun got too bright and he needed to look away.

"Look, if you really wanna stop trying because you just don't care then do it. If it clearly isn't for you. But Beomgyu, I saw you play, I heard you. All of you."

Beomgyu brought himself back to the night in his room, the way he played the guitar on his bed, the way it was slightly pulled out of his lap and he was brought to the cool sheets of his bed. He still remembered the feeling of Yeonjun's warm lips. Yeonjun had heard everything, every single word his guitar uttered. He had heard them and felt them. He had used them to see him.

What would Yeonjun see without the guitar? Would it still be beautiful?

"Beomgyu..." he started to speak again. His voice was gentle, it was holding him gently, scared he would break if it dared to go any harsher.

"I don't want to give up," Beomgyu said, "But what if it's my only choice?"

"Giving up is never the only choice."

Yeonjun was right. Beomgyu could keep trying. But he didn't want to know what would happen if he did and what would happen if he would lose it. Giving up was the easy way out, it protected him. But Beomgyu was selfish, and he didn't want to get hurt.

"No, you're right. Sorry," Beomgyu let himself meet Yeonjun's eyes. He was sorry. He was sorry to himself for letting go of something he didn't think he'd ever have to. He was sorry for not being good enough for music to stay. And he was sorry to Yeonjun for hiding this one thing away from him; just because he was right, didn't mean he was going to do it. Maybe Beomgyu held a bit of himself from everyone, and for that he was sorry too.

"Don't be sorry. Beomgyu I just-" Yeonjun let out a breath, "I just want you to be happy with your choices,"

"Yeah, no, I get it." Beomgyu stepped closer to Yeonjun, "You're fine," he wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling their bodies closer together, "Don't worry about it, okay?" he brought his voice to a soft whisper.

Yeonjun slowly nodded, bringing his arms to Beomgyu's waist. He brought his face close, "I just care about you."

Beomgyu's heart tightened, it sped, it flipped. He wasn't quite sure. Maybe it was a mixture of everything. There was just something about Yeonjun that felt so close, so good. It was something he never knew he wanted, and now it was something he never wanted to let go of.

An abandoned thought at the back of his, crawled its way to the front, and for the first time, it let itself be heard, why can't I tell Soobin?

As Beomgyu pressed his lips against Yeonjun's, he let himself take him in. Soak in the feeling of Yeonjun's lips against his, of his tongue in his mouth. He let himself steep in their footsteps walking towards Yeonjun's room, knocking their backs into corners, only pulling away to grunt in pain.

Yeonjun sat on the edge of his bed, pulling him onto his lap. Beomgyu’s legs on either side of him, his hands in his hair, gently tugging at his bottom lip.

Yeonjun slowly leaned back, bringing Beomgyu down with him, his hands sliding underneath Beomgyu's shirt. He shuddered at the feeling of hands on his bare skin, they were warm, everything about Yeonjun was warm.

Beomgyu thought he was going to melt. Only Yeonjun could do this to him.

Beomgyu slowly let himself drop onto Yeonjun, resting his elbows beside Yeonjun's head on the bed, bringing his lips to Yeonjun's jaw, leaving little bites, and moving down to his neck. The skin was soft and smooth, he could feel the soft beats of his pulse against his lips. He placed gentle kisses against it for it was such a special spot. He could feel the beats get faster as his heart quickened.

How vulnerable the heart could make someone.

Beomgyu brought his kisses down till he pulled them away from Yeonjun's skin altogether and brought his ear to his chest, "Beomgyu?" he put a hand to Yeonjun's mouth, shushing him.

And that's when Beomgyu heard it, the quick pitter-pats of Yeonjun's heart. They were the most beautiful sounds he had ever heard.

And that's when it had hit him; since when had the world gone so quiet? When did Beomgyu stop hearing the music of the world around him?

With swollen lips, he pressed them together, listening to the melody of Yeonjun's heart, letting it flow through him, he could hear it all. Beomgyu wondered if this is how he had felt when he heard him play; like he was unlocking the secrets to him. Yeonjun was right, it was beautiful. Beomgyu wrapped his arms around Yeonjun, squeezing his arms underneath his back.

Beomgyu had hated the quiet, but he had been living in it all along.

As Beomgyu felt Yeonjun's wrap around him, as his heart slowly fell into rhythm with his, he felt the need grow inside him, I want to tell Soobin. Suddenly Beomgyu could hear the sound of the wind hitting against the window, the sound of the water leaking down the faucet of the bathroom sink down the hall. The world had its sound again, music had never given up on Beomgyu, he had never even given it a chance.

"I'm not giving up..." he whispered.

Maybe Yeonjun knew that he wasn't really talking to him, he never answered. He just held him against him tighter.

Beomgyu didn't know how long they had been lying there, how long he had been listening to the soft thumps. They had slowed and we're fainter, signalling that Yeonjun had fallen asleep. His arms were loosely wrapped around him.

Beomgyu slowly pulled himself away from the sleeping boy, trying not to wake him. He tiptoed his way to the living room, slowly unzipping the bag, the sound of the zipper sliding filling his ears, he had missed it. He gently lifted his laptop from the bag, grabbing his headphones along with it.

Quietly making his way back he sunk himself into the bed, getting in between the sheets. Turning it on, the strong blue light of the laptop blinding him in the dark of the room. Putting his headphones on, he plugged them in, the small sound effect blasting, causing him to jump. Wincing, he turned to look at Yeonjun who was still sleeping soundly.

Beomgyu had spent the rest of the night working on his project file. He felt an exhilarated rush, marking notes down into his phone of guitar codes to record. He wondered if maybe, despite his dullness, he had a dim glow. Was it there? Could it be seen?

The sun started to peak into the room, wanting to catch a glance of the song Beomgyu had been working on all night, trying to catch a small sample.

Yeonjun stirred, in his sleep, slowly stretching his limbs out. Beomgyu heard the sound of sheets tangle and the bed squeak, he glanced over. Yeonjun had turned over, watching him rubbing his eyes, "How long have you been up?"

"The whole time," Beomgyu looked back at his laptop.

Yeonjun brought himself closer, placing his head on Beomgyu's lap, wrapping his arms around his legs, trying to look over at the laptop, "What are you doing? Oh hey, isn't that...garage sale?"

"Garage band, yeah," Beomgyu smiled, taking off his headphones, he placed them over Yeonjun's head, "Here, listen."

Beomgyu hit the spacebar, he could hear the music through the headphones. Yeonjun's eyes closed as he listened, a small smile on his lips. As the music cut, Beomgyu took back the headphones, placing them on the bed.

"It sounds like the one you played for me," Yeonjun looked up at him,

"Yeah, what I had played for you was like the skeleton for this,"

Yeonjun nodded "I like it, it's beautiful..."

Beomgyu ran his hands through Yeonjun's hair, "Thank you, for everything..."

Yeonjun gave him a look, "You need sleep."

"No actually, I have to meet with Soobin," Beomgyu double-checked he saved the file before closing his laptop and placing it on the floor, trying to stand.

Yeonjun pulled him, "Sleep first, you've been up all night, you can meet him after."

Beomgyu chose not to fight him, he had been right about everything so far, so he let himself be pulled into the bed, his head sinking into the pillow. He hadn't realized how heavy his eyelids felt as they started to close, the soft feeling of a kiss being placed on his head. It was a weird feeling, not like the kisses he had shared with Yeonjun, it was more personal, tender, it was heavy, he wanted to keep it close with him forever.

Beomgyu was pacing around his room. His bed was made, that was something rare. He didn’t even remember tugging the sheets up to the pillows and tucking them in. He must’ve done it in a nervous frenzy.

It had been fifteen minutes since Soobin texted that he was on his way, which meant he was close. And Beomgyu wasn’t quite sure if he was ready to face the music and let Soobin in.

Just as he did his twenty third pace across his room, Beomgyu heard a knock on his door. His parents had been away again, leaving him alone in the house, giving him plenty of room to lay out every little thing he had held away from Soobin. He went to the door, he felt like his food was going to come up like there was something in his chest and ants in his nerves. He took a deep breath before opening the door, "Hey."

Soobin stepped in, "'Sup, what did you want to talk about?" Getting straight to the point. He left no room for Beomgyu to escape, so he tried to make his own.

Beomgyu closed the door, "We don't need to talk about that right now. Let's watch a movie or something, you know I saw this cool thing on Netflix-" he made his way to the living room, picking up the remote.

Soobin followed him, "Beomgyu," he took the remote from his hands. "We both know if you don't tell me now, you never will."

Beomgyu sighed and sat down, resting his head against the couch, closing his eyes. Soobin took a seat next to him, putting a hand on his leg, "You can tell me anything, you know that I'm your best friend."

Beomgyu scrunched his eyes. Yes, Soobin was his best friend and that was the problem. He trusted him with everything, Soobin knew everything. But this was something that felt outside of him and Soobin's friendship, it was between him and Yeonjun; it was delicate, fragile. He didn't want to accidentally drop it while handing it to Soobin. He wanted to keep it to himself, keep it safe. But it was becoming too big, too heavy.

"I kissed Yeonjun," Beomgyu sighed, he opened his eyes staring at the ceiling. It was like a layer had peeled off his chest. It felt lighter.

Soobin slapped his leg, "You what?! When!? How was it!? Dude, what the fuck, you literally have to tell me everything."

His leg was starting to sting, "During winter break, the night I slept over," Beomgyu looked at him. The night before I lied to you.

Soobin's lips pouted in thought, his eyes widening when the realization hit him, "So the night I woke up and you were gone, you were off kissing Yeonjun?"

Beomgyu nodded, and then paused, pointing a finger at Soobin, "Well technically we went on a walk."

It felt good to tell Soobin. The more he said the easier it was to breathe.

Soobin pointed a finger back, "So when you and he didn't come with us after the movie it's cause you wanted to spend some alone time with your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend, but he did spend the night," Beomgyu turned over, his cheek against the backrest of the sofa.

"Beomgyu...you didn't...." Soobin retracted into himself.

"What? Fuck, no, Soobin! What the fuck is wrong with you," Beomgyu hit him, hard.

"So nothing happened between you two when he stayed the night?" Soobin gave him a look which told him he already knew the answer.

Beomgyu looked at his lap, "Well... no.. we.." he mumbled the last bit.

"Speak properly," Soobin's voice sounded harsh, and it was something he wasn't used to.

"We kissed...a few times," Beomgyu mumbled.

"Okay, and that's it, right? You guys aren't dating so you what? Talked it out or something, right?"

Beomgyu stayed quiet, not meeting Soobin's eyes. He could feel his patience wearing thin. “Right, Beomgyu?"

Beomgyu bit his lip, his hands were getting sweaty, "No, we're still hooking up."

"Beomgyu, it's nearly March! You started this in January?" Soobin sighed, standing up, "And what does Yeonjun think of all this?"

Beomgyu opened his mouth but he couldn't find the words. He had never thought to ask what Yeonjun thought of everything. If the first kiss was nothing, and the second, then everything else must've been nothing too right? The answer didn't sit right with him, something couldn't just be nothing, even if no one else knew about them. Beomgyu learned that.

But now someone did know, and it was like a punch to the face.

"I don't know," Beomgyu admitted, he could barely hear his own voice.

"You don't know?"

"No, we never talked about everything else," Beomgyu brought his hands to fists.

"You never thought to ask?" Soobin's gentle voice was gone, it was dark, it was cruel. Beomgyu hated it. But Beomgyu didn't hate that it scared him, he hated that it was being used at all, that he had upset Soobin enough to deserve anything other than the tone he was used to.

"No, Soobin, I didn't think to ask him," Beomgyu was glaring at him now, just as hard as he was glaring back.

"Why?" his hands were on his hips.

"Because maybe I didn't want to know. If I knew then..." Beomgyu didn't finish his sentence, he stood up instead, running his hands through his hair.

"If you knew then what?" Soobin challenged.

"Then...then..." he sputtered, words falling without a thought, his brain was moving too fast, it was too loud, "Then everything would be real, okay?! I didn't want to have to admit that I was doing something, that I was in the middle of something!" he shouted.

In every kiss, every laugh, every touch of his hair, Beomgyu knew what he was doing. When he kissed Yeonjun that night under the snow, he knew he was being mean, and selfish, but he wished and hoped that all of it could’ve gone unnoticed. Kiss him once and Beomgyu would’ve been fine, he didn’t need more.

It wasn’t meant to be more.

But Yeonjun, under the light of the moon as Beomgyu played his guitar, had turned it into something more. But somewhere underneath all those kisses, Beomgyu wished that maybe it didn’t have to be anything more than a distant memory, that it could really be nothing.

But it was never nothing. It was something far greater than himself.

"Beomgyu, he has feelings!" Soobin shouted back.

"I have feelings too!" Beomgyu cried, hitting his hands to his chest. It hurt. His heart was so bruised that any weight onto his chest pained him. He had done this to himself.

"Then use them, listen to them!” Soobin’s hands were in the air, “What you're doing is wrong! It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you," and suddenly they were at his side and he was out of breath.

He looked tired.

"No! Because what if it is nothing? Or..or..." he sighed, "What if.. what if it isn't nothing? Hm?” Beomgyu shrugged. “What if he feels the exact same way? What do I do with that? What if we date, okay? And everything goes to complete shit, because I fuck up,” his hands were on his chest again.“Like I always do, and ruin everything?" Beomgyu felt his eyes start to burn as tears threatened to fall, "What the fuck do I do then?" His voice broke and quivered, his hands falling to his side, he hated it.

Soobin looked tired, and Beomgyu was too.

"And what if it doesn't? What if you're just hurting him?" Soobin's voice fell, "You're being selfish, Beomgyu." He was whispering but Beomgyu heard it loud and clear.

He looked to the ground, warm tears rolling down his face. Beomgyu knew he was selfish, he had never doubted it. And a part of him wanted to be better but didn't know how. "I know..."

His shoulders slumped closing in on himself. A part of Beomgyu wanted to say that he didn’t care but he did. He didn’t want to be selfish.

Soobin sighed, heading to the door, "I have to go."

Beomgyu sniffled, "Soobin, I'm sorry." And he was, he was so sorry. He didn’t know what to do with all that sorry.

"It's not me you should be sorry to," Soobin turned to look at him. Beomgyu knew that. “Just, why did you tell me now?"

Beomgyu looked at him from the living room, his throat hoarse from crying and shouting and the inbetween, "I'm tired of hiding it," he choked, he couldn't tell if it was from the tears, or the words climbing up his throat, he needed to let them go, "Soobin, I really like him."

And Beomgyu let out a sound he never knew could let out. It hurt. It was like having your heart ripped out of your chest, except his had broken free. It was no longer his to have, it was chasing after someone else, he just needed to learn to let it go. And he was terrified.

Soobin pulled himself away from the door, grabbing Beomgyu into his arms. Holding his face to his shoulder, letting his t-shirt soak up the tears. Because that was what Soobin was, he was someone who held all of Beomgyu's tears, secrets, and feelings. There was nothing about him that Soobin didn't know, even when Beomgyu thought there was.

"I don't know what to do," Beomgyu whimpered into the fabric of his wet shirt, wrapping his arms around him tightly, gripping the back of it.

Soobin gently ran a hand through Beomgyu's hair, not saying a word until Beomgyu was ready.

"Soobin, what do I do?" he sniffled, looking up with red puffy eyes.

"You have to tell him," he wiped the thick tears away from cheeks.

"But..." he didn't finish.

"It's life, Beomgyu, he can't read your mind."

Beomgyu didn't answer, he just wiped his eyes and pulled away, "You have to go right? I shouldn't keep you."

"I can't just leave you while you're crying," Soobin took a step closer.

"No, you can. I'll be okay," Beomgyu was selfish, but he wanted this to be his first step into doing something different.

"Are you sure?"

Beomgyu nodded, "go."

Soobin walked back towards the door, turning to face him once more, "Call me if you need anything okay? And tell him!"

He nodded, Soobin walking out. As the door closed, Beomgyu was left in the silence of the room. He didn't hate the quiet anymore.

The cafe smelled of brewing coffee. The sound of chatter and beeping coffee machines filled it. Beomgyu sat at a table near the counter, his laptop opened to class notes that he had neglected. Mumbling the words to himself, trying to grasp the information, he heard a crash from behind the counter.

Beomgyu quickly turned his head over to see Taehyun, his ears hidden in his shoulders, hands close to his chest with his eyes closed. Beomgyu walked over, "Taehyun, are you okay?" He peeked over the counter, white ceramic pieces covering the floor along with a dark brown liquid.

"I'm fine," Taehyun sighed, walking to the back of the cafe, grabbing a mop and starting to wipe the floor, pushing the ceramic to a corner.

"Where's the person training you?" Beomgyu asked, frowning. He didn't like the idea of Taehyun taking care of everything himself, it had only been a few weeks since he had started.

"Gone? I'm not being trained anymore so I can be left alone," he sighed, "Or I should be able to."

Beomgyu shook his head, "You're doing great. Try not to stress yourself out," he leaned over the counter to hit the other boy's arm.

"It's easier said than done."

"I know..."

Beomgyu did know. It had been about two weeks since Beomgyu told Soobin—told himself—that he would tell Yeonjun the truth. It had been two weeks since Beomgyu had had a proper conversation with him too. He'd been purposefully avoiding the cafe on days he worked and making sure to leave the campus early on days he had his night classes. He'd answer his texts but always tell him he was busy. He'd camp out at Soobin's and make excuses to pick up Kai at school. Beomgyu was good at doing the wrong thing. The wrong thing was always easier, and Beomgyu was a coward.

Taehyun had swept the broken pieces of the mug and dropped them into the garbage. He started to fill a new mug, careful not to keep it too close to the edge like last time. Beomgyu went back to his seat and Taehyun followed after handing the mug off to the customer.

"Thanks again, Beomgyu, for helping me get this job."

Beomgyu shrugged, shaking his finger on the mousepad to wake up his laptop, "It was nothing," he looked up at Taehyun and smiled, "It was mostly Yeonjun anyways."

Taehyun slowly nodded and sat down, "I just really appreciate it."

"I know," Beomgyu looked at him and smiled, "Make it up to me by making lots of money and buying me food, okay?"

Taehyun rolled his eyes and walked away, "Get your own job."

When Beomgyu looked at Taehyun, he thought of Kai. They were a matching set, one came with the other. Even when they were apart they had a way of reminding you about the other without doing as much as saying their name. Beomgyu thought they were different, different in the ways that they expressed and carried themselves.

Kai was open, loving, and caring. He would hold onto you tightly and let out a laugh that would ring in your ears minutes after he had done it. But Taehyun was closed, quiet, and a little snappy. But Beomgyu realized that's why they fit so well.

Taehyun held the pieces of his heart deep in his chest, he kept it safe. Only letting it out for some to see, or maybe he had given pieces of it to Kai. For Kai always saw something more, always had Taehyun's arm wrapped around his own, had Taehyun's words, thoughts, and feelings.

And Taehyun had given some of them to Beomgyu. In the way, he was thankful for Beomgyu's help. How he let Beomgyu stay during his shift instead of embarrassingly asking him to leave. In the way, he'd give Beomgyu free refills without having him ask for another.

Taehyun wasn't loud about how he felt, he loved quietly.

Beomgyu was resting his head on the table, he didn't know how much time had passed but he was tired of studying. He wasn't good at it, he was pretty sure he had learned nothing. With his face glued to the table, he could feel the crumbs of the cookie he had eaten dig into his cheek. He was mildly disgusted with himself but it was better than putting himself through the torture of looking at the same document again.

Beomgyu's phone lit up, a message from Yeonjun appearing, he sighed and closed it again.

"Aren't you going to answer it?" Taehyun walked over with two cups in his hands, he handed one to Beomgyu and sat down.

He shook his head, "No, I shouldn't."

Taehyun crinkled his nose, "Did something happen? You two are usually like joint at the hip."

Beomgyu laughed, lifting his head off of the table and wiping the crumbs off of his cheek, "That's rich coming from you," he took a sip of the iced americano.

"How?" Taehyun challenged, drinking his own iced caramel macchiato. He had been able to make it for himself and drank it with pride.

"You can't tell me you and Kai aren't always together," Beomgyu said it with a tone that made it clear that he knew he was right. And he was, not even Taehyun could deny that.

"Of course I can't, but unlike you, I actually answer Kai. You've been avoiding Yeonjun," Taehyun smiled as he took another sip.

"I'm not," Beomgyu lied, but it was a weak one. He didn't put much thought into it or conviction. He didn't even try to meet Taehyun's eyes. Beomgyu was tired of studying, and he was tired of hiding.

"You aren't answering him and you never come by when he's working. Do you think he hasn't noticed? What happened between you two anyway?"

Beomgyu sighed. Nothing and everything.

"I just haven't had time to stop by recently. I've been busy."

Taehyun dropped it at that and spent the rest of his break in silence. Beomgyu's phone lit up again.

[Yeonjun, 4:15pm]

Are you free tonight?

[You, 4:17pm]

Sorry, hanging out with Soobin

Beomgyu's head rested comfortably on Soobin's lap, a blanket draped over his legs that hung over the arm of the couch. He used to fit when he was younger, but now he had grown too big.

There were two mugs of warm tea on the glass coffee table in front of them, a movie playing. Whether they were in Soobin's room or the living room, they always had a movie on, it's not that they didn't know how to talk to each other, it's that they had too much to say and sometimes didn't know where to start, or sometimes they were just too tired to speak but wanted each other's presence. There's something nice about sitting in silence with someone, it was comfortable, warm, it was all the words and none of the words all at the same time. Beomgyu wished he had appreciated it more before.

But Soobin had something he wanted to say.

"You're hiding out here again," Beomgyu couldn't tell if Soobin was still looking at the tv or not, he hoped he was.

"No I'm not," Beomgyu grabbed the edge of the blanket and curled in his fist, hiding his mouth in it, "We had plans to hang out."

He swore he could hear Soobin roll his eyes, "We've had plans nearly every day this week," he bent over to look at Beomgyu, "And not that I don't love hanging out with you, because I do," he felt Soobin move, guessing he had put a hand to his chest, it was a Soobin thing to do. "But we both know it's because you want an excuse."

Beomgyu turned his back to the television and faced Soobin, "Yeah, an excuse to hang with my bestie," he smiled.

Soobin clicked his tongue and shook his head, disapprovingly, "You need to tell him, Beomgyu."

Beomgyu sighed, turning over again, hiding his face deep into the blanket, "I know...I just" he sighed, "I just don't know how."

"I'd start with words."

Beomgyu shoved his elbow back, jabbing Soobin in the stomach, causing him to let out a forced breath, "I mean like, when or where or just...I don't know..."

Beomgyu had thought up three different possibilities for what could happen, all scenarios took place in Yeonjun's apartment, a place Beomgyu knew they'd both feel comfortable,

Situation A went like this:

Beomgyu was sitting on the couch, hands in his lap. Yeonjun sat in front of him, his head facing down, not meeting his eyes. He was silent.

"Yeonjun..?" Beomgyu leaned forward, trying to see his face. It was tucked away. Is this how Yeonjun felt every time Beomgyu refused to meet his eyes, to look at him, to take him in?

It was an awful feeling, if he had felt even an ounce of this—maybe he felt more—Beomgyu was sorry.

"Get out," Yeonjun said, his voice dark, sharp, pointed at him. Beomgyu had never seen this voice on Yeonjun, it was one he never knew he had.

"What?" he heard him completely fine, but he needed to hear it again to make sure it was real. He had hoped it wasn't.

"I said get out," Yeonjun lifted his head up, his eyes meeting Beomgyu's. They were small, his teeth clenched together. Yeonjun’s hands were holding onto each other, tight. He could see the veins popping out from under his skin, they were shaking.

"I didn't mean to-" Beomgyu started, but he was quickly cut off.

"-To what? To lie? To use me for your own feelings?" He got close. Beomgyu could see the lines on his forehead, "You disgust me," spit fell from Yeonjun’s mouth and Beomgyu flinched.

Situation B was different:

Yeonjun and Beomgyu were back on the couch, they were always on the couch. Beomgyu felt it was easier to talk to him there. He could still smell the hair dye they had used and feel the weight of Yeonjun’s head on his lap.

But right now Beomgyu had fat tears in his eyes, they were overflowing and had started to spill. He was looking at Yeonjun who's expression matched his. Their cheeks were wet, noses stuffy and they sniffled together.

"Yeonjun, I'm so sorry..."

"Why didn't you just tell me the truth?"

Beomgyu shrugged, his cheeks were so warm as he cried, and his head had started to hurt "I just didn't know how..."

"Maybe if you did," Yeonjun started, wiping his tears away with his sleeve, "Maybe if you did things could've been different."

In this scenario, they continued to be friends, or at least that's what they told themselves.

In this scenario, they kept their distance. Beomgyu only went to the cafe when he was dragged by the others, they only saw each other when it was with the others.

Eventually, Yeonjun quit his job at the cafe and moved on somewhere else. They never told the others of what had happened between them. And Soobin never pried.

Soobin was good like that. Even deep in Beomgyu's thoughts, Soobin was good.

Situation C was the only situation that Beomgyu would allow himself to imagine where they were okay, where they ended up happy.

But that was the only thought that came with it, he wouldn't let himself think further. Wouldn't let himself wish upon a star and imagine a world where it could've been. Because to wish was to hope and to hope was the beginning of getting hurt and Beomgyu was scared of getting hurt.

But he knew that by protecting himself, he was hurting someone else. He didn’t want to hurt someone else.

"Am I a bad person?" Beomgyu asked, whispering into the blanket, feeling his warm breath seep through.

He heard Soobin sigh and run a hand gently through his hair, "A bad person wouldn't be asking that."

"Maybe I'm just good at hiding it."

Soobin shook his head, "No," he paused before speaking again, "I know you, Beomgyu, you care too much to be bad...your heart is too delicate."

Beomgyu stayed quiet. Maybe it was too delicate, but Yeonjun’s was too.

"You wouldn't be running away if you weren't scared, scared people aren't bad. Bad people wouldn't be scared. They wouldn't care enough to be scared.”

“Being scared isn’t an excuse for not doing the right thing,” Beomgyu mumbled.

“Then do the right thing,” he heard Soobin shrugged.

“It’s not that easy. I don’t know how to tell him.”

Soobin nudged Beomgyu off his knees, causing him to sit up. Beomgyu had the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He was hiding in the fabric, he didn’t want to get out. It was warm and safe within the walls of the blanket. Soobin placed his hands on his shoulders,

“Beomgyu, you’ll never be ready. You gotta take the leap.”

Beomgyu brought his eyes to his lap, his shoulders sinking. No, he’d never be ready. He’d never know what the right words would be to say. But that was a part of falling in love. It was unexpected and raw. It was unapologetic. It was terrifying and thrilling at the same time. It was never going to be something you knew how to do, or something you’d be ready for. It just happened.

And Beomgyu had to do it, he had to tell Yeonjun, whether he was ready or not. And even though he told himself he couldn’t wish or hope, a little part of him did. A part of him hoped that all of this would be okay.

March

The wind was knocking against the window when Beomgyu woke up. It was like the scratching of nails against glass, begging to be let in. He sat up, rubbing his eyes with a heavy sigh. Beomgyu looked out his window, the snow had melted, it was almost all gone. He wondered if the air felt warm or if it was all just the weather’s illusion.

With a long breath he stood up and called Soobin, he heard the ringing, once, then twice, it was only at the fourth ring that Soobin answered, “Hey,” he heard the gentle voice through the other end of the line.

Beomgyu let out a breath, “I’m gonna do it today.”

“You’re gonna tell him!?” Beomgyu heard the sound of clanging from Soobin’s end.

“No? I’m gonna ask him when he’s free to hang out, baby steps Soobin. By the way, what the fuck was that sound?” Beomgyu walked over to the kitchen.

“Oh, I walked into the coffee table.”

“You what?” Beomgyu stopped what he was doing to listen carefully to what Soobin was saying in case he misheard.

“Yeah and dropped the chip bowl,” Beomgyu could almost hear the pout, but it quickly disappeared when Soobin decided to move on with the conversation. “Anyways, I’m glad you’re at least starting on the process of telling him.”

Beomgyu smiled, “Me too,” he was glad. It felt good. He had missed Yeonjun too, had missed his face and their conversations that went nowhere and everywhere all at once. He missed the feeling of walking by Yeonjun’s side, feeling his arms wrapped around him. He missed sitting in the cafe and having a coffee handed to him along with company.

There was a knock at the door, pulling Beomgyu away from his thoughts, “Soobin, I gotta go. There’s someone at the door,” he still kept the phone by his ear, despite what he had said.

“Are you expecting someone?”

Beomgyu shook his head even though he knew Soobin wouldn’t be able to see him, “No, I’ll call you back,” he slowly started to pull the phone down, making his way to the door.

“Be careful!” He faintly heard Soobin on the other end.

He wasn’t used to people coming by. Kai usually asked before showing up and Soobin, well he knew it wouldn’t be Soobin. Bringing himself to the door he opened it. A tall black haired boy standing in front of him, staring at his feet, hands fidgeting. He was mumbling to himself.

“Yeonjun?” Bemogyu’s eyes immediately shot to the side as Yeonjun looked at him. He thought he’d have more time. Maybe this was the universe telling him he’d had enough time. Or maybe it was Yeonjun. Yeonjun telling him his time was up.

“I was just worried about you.” Yeonjun sputtered out. Beomgyu watched the other boy’s hands play with his fingers, “And you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I haven’t been-” Beomgyu quickly jumped to defend himself but Yeonjun stopped him.

“You have.”

He slowly nodded, giving up. It wasn’t worth it anymore, “I have.”

“Just-” Yeonjun stopped and then started again, “Did I do something to make you uncomfortable? I never meant to—I’d never want to do that to you.”

Here Beomgyu had been worrying about how he must’ve been upsetting Yeonjun. But Yeonjun had been concerned about hurting him.

A light bulb lit up in Beomgyu. Yeonjun didn’t see anything wrong in him. That terrified him. It was another guilt on his conscience. He had been hurting Yeonjun in more ways than one, and he had been completely blind to it—no, he had ignored it.

“No. You did nothing wrong,” He shook his head, Yeonjun had always been perfect.

“Then what is it? Why won’t you talk to me?”

Beomgyu tilted his head, he was searching for the words, the courage to say them, “Just…”he sighed. He felt defeated.

"Beomgyu," Yeonjun's head tilted, Beomgyu could see it in the way his neck shifted, he had a crooked smile on his face, it was shaking, he could hear it when he spoke, "You're doing it again."

Beomgyu left his eyes on the space behind Yeonjun. His heart was torn into trying to find a way to make it's ends meet, he hated this.

The feeling of wanting to do better but not knowing how, the feeling of willingly grabbing onto someone's heart and squeezing it, twisting it. It was a familiar feeling, having a hand wrapped around your heart, abusing it. He had been doing it to himself for so long, until it burst, "Doing what?" he feigned a confused expression, he knew exactly what he was doing.

"You're not..." Yeonjun let out a breath, it was more like a laugh, choppy. This conversation felt all too familiar to Beomgyu, it was one they'd had plenty of times. Maybe Yeonjun was tired of saying it, "You're not looking at me." he grabbed onto Beomgyu’s wrist and squeezed. He was begging him.

And Beomgyu heard the words he'd been told time and time again, ones he had dug deep into his brain, something he tried to remind himself over and over again, he can't read your mind, and this isn't fair.

No, Beomgyu had never played fair once with Yeonjun. It was easier that way, but this was getting hard and Beomgyu was tired. He was so tired of it all, of hiding within the kisses he'd placed on Yeonjun's skin, on his lips, each one filled with hidden words he'd hoped Yeonjun would hear. But Yeonjun can't read minds, and neither could he.

But Beomgyu never needed to, because Yeonjun was an open book when it came to how he felt. And he had given it to Beomgyu to read and cherish and keep safe. He had been doing an awful job.

And with a shaking breath, Beomgyu opened his mouth, shifted his eyes to take in Yeonjun's black hair, his soft skin, and plush pink lips, and then his eyes, his big brown glowing eyes and said the words his heart had been begging him to hear, "Yeonjun, I like you, a lot. In a more than a friend way.”

Sharp, warm wind hit Beomgyu in the face. It smelled of spring. It was freeing. Like he had finally let go of the knots in his heart. Yeonjun’s face had fallen, his eyes were searching over Beomgyu’s face. They were looking for something.

“You what?”

“I have feelings for you.” Beomgyu reiterated. It felt good, like finally being freed of chains and running around for the first time without having to pull a weight behind. It was light and Beomgyu’s heart was running around in his chest.

“F-for how long?” Yeonjun seemed to be in a daze, his face still scanning Beomgyu’s, trying to see if it was really him. It was. It was all of him, every single part of him. Even the ugly ones and there were a lot of them. But Beomgyu wanted to fix them, and this was part of how.

“I think since the first time I kissed you,” Beomgyu thought it might’ve been before that, the day Yeonjun asked for a pen, or maybe even earlier, with the napkin. Beomgyu didn’t know when it happened. But Beomgyu knew the moment the snowflake touched Yeonjun's lip, a sign from the universe to kiss him, that’s when he felt it.

Yeonjun’s eyes stretched wide and he turned around, a hand brushing the back of his head as he thought. He turned back to Beomgyu, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You said it was nothing,” he dug his foot into the carpet, “And I didn’t want anything to change between us, like what if we stopped being friends or something?”

Yeonjun sighed, “That’s still stupid,” he shook his head.

Beomgyu frowned at that, “How? How is me not wanting to lose you stupid?”

“Because that would never fucking happen.”

“You can’t say that,” Beomgyu crossed his arms, “How could you possibly fucking say that?” He was annoyed, and he could tell Yeonjun was too. In the way they looked at each other, their teeth clenched, holding back on words.

“Because the idea of leaving you has never once crossed my mind, not even once!” Yeonjun shoved a finger in Beomgyu’s face, “How the fuck do you expect me to do that when I” he paused, “when I-”

“When you what, Yeonjun?” Beomgyu needed to hear it, he felt his heart climbing to his chest, it was reaching out, it wanted to grab onto something, it needed to have it. Beomgyu wasn’t quite sure what that was yet.

Yeonjun shook his head, letting breaths of a laugh. Like he couldn’t even believe this was happening. “When I can’t imagine being without you.”

“I like you, Beomgyu,” Yeonjun took in a shaking breath, his eyes glassy. Beomgyu watched as fat tears rolled down Yeonjun's cheeks, “And I have for a while,” he sniffled, there was a smile on his face but it didn’t look right, it was cracking,“but you never noticed.”

"Yeonjun..." Beomgyu took a step forward closer to him. He felt his heart sink to the floor, burying itself deep into the ground.

How could he have never known that he had been slowly tearing out Yeonjun's heart, that it had been given to him, that it was always his? Maybe it was because they had switched halves. It's harder to notice that something is missing once it's been replaced. Or maybe their spaces were filled with each other.

Beomgyu grabbed onto Yeonjun's arm, "I'm sor-"

"Don't be," Yeonjun shook his head, "You can't read my mind either," he laughed, his smile growing wider until it turned genuine, and Beomgyu couldn't help but do the same.

It was a knowing smile. A smile kept between just the two of them, like a secret. They were good at keeping secrets, they had been keeping them from each other all along, and had their very own together.

But Beomgyu didn't want to have secrets anymore.

"I want to be with you," Beomgyu said, he made sure he was looking at Yeonjun, properly. His eyes staring into his, and taking in his face as he spoke, "I want to be with you and have everyone know about it. I want to kiss you when we're with our friends, I want to hold hands and walk down the sidewalk, and I want everyone to know that I’m yours."

Yeonjun's smile grew with each word, and Beomgyu's couldn't help but follow along because every piece of Beomgyu was Yeonjun's and Yeonjun's alone, "Yeonjun, I want to be your boyfriend."

Yeonjun's smile was wide, his eyes were smiling with his mouth, they were turned upward. His hand moved from Beomgyu's wrist to his cheek, cupping it. He brought his face close to Beomgyu's and gently pressed a kiss to his lips. They were soft and gentle, Beomgyu had missed the feeling.

He brought his hands to Yeonjun's face and pulled him into the house, backing up. Beomgyu pressed little kisses against Yeonjun's mouth, his heart thumping in his chest hard, complete with Yeonjun's half.

Yeonjun kicked the door closed with the back of his foot. Beomgyu pushed him against it, hearing the lock click in place.

Yeonjun laughed into the kisses, "Did you just use me to close the door?"

Beomgyu laughed back, pulling his lips away and moving his arms around Yeonjun's waist, "Yes, I did."

Beomgyu woke to a hand running through his hair, and the feeling of skin against his. He opened his eyes to his boyfriend staring right back at him. He liked the word; boyfriend. He never thought he would. He'd never thought he'd want to say it over and over again. But he did, he loved it when it was attached to Yeonjun.

Beomgyu, rolled over, climbing on top of Yeonjun, resting his chest against his. His face hanging above Yeonjun, his hair falling in front of his eyes. Yeonjun brushed it away, smiling, "Good morning."

He pressed a kiss to Yeonjun's lips, "'Morning."

Beomgyu took in Yeonjun's face, his skin was golden like the sweetest of honey, he could nearly taste it. And he was so warm, when the sun shined he could've sworn it was Yeonjun that was warming his skin, and he glowed like the evening sunset. When Beomgyu stood next to him, was light reflecting off of him? Beomgyu believed it did; that Yeonjun could light up an entire room.

Beomgyu pressed his lips back to Yeonjun's, slipping his bottom lip between his teeth. If Yeonjun was a cup of tea, he'd never add his two spoons of sugar, because Yeonjun was all he needed. He didn't want more from Yeonjun.

Yeonjun was enough, always had been.

Yeonjun rolled them over, the sheets tangling in their legs, the cool fabric licking up their skin, but they couldn't feel it in between the warmth of their kisses. Beomgyu believed that Yeonjun's favourite spot was his neck, that's always where his kisses led. They were always soft and gentle, followed by a soft lick that made Beomgyu's heart do a somersault in his chest. He had a hard time keeping it still, he didn't want it to hop out of him. He needed to keep it safe now that he had someone else's in it.

Beomgyu pushed Yeonjun's head away from his neck so that he was looking at him.

"Are you okay?" Yeonjun asked, his bottom lip was swollen from where Beomgyu had bitten, the skin around it was red too.

He nodded, "I just want to look at you."

Yeonjun moved from off of him, setting himself beside him, his face close to his neck. Beomgyu could feel his breath on his cheek. He rolled over to face him, bringing a hand to his hair and playing with a few of the strands. "I’m glad you’re here," he whispered.

"Wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else,." Yeonjun whispered back.

"It's almost been a month right?" Soobin asked, picking at his muffin.

Beomgyu nodded, "Yeah in a few days I think," he took a sip of his iced americano.

"You think?" Soobin drew his attention away from the baked goods and towards his best friend.

"It's sometime next week" Beomgyu stole a piece off of Soobin's plate, "I wrote it on my calendar."

"No, I wrote it on your calendar, you sat on your bed and told me the information."

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, "Whatever, it's still there."

Taehyun and Kai burst through the doors of the noisy cafe. They pushed through the people, nearly tripping on their feet. They both held large white envelopes. "Guys! They're here! They're here!" Kai ran towards the table Soobin and Beomgyu sat at, Taehyun following.

Beomgyu and Soobin sat up properly, Beomgyu turning towards the cash register, "Yeonjun! Get over here, they're here!" Soobin pushed the muffin to the side, showing that his attention was completely on the other two boys.

Yeonjun's head popped up from underneath the counter, holding a bag of coffee beans. He quickly set them on the counter and made his way over, taking his place behind Beomgyu's chair.

Beomgyu turned back towards the two, "Okay, open 'em," He clasped his hands together.

Kai and Taehyun looked at each other, "You go first," they said, speaking at the same time. They laughed, awkwardly looking at their feet.

Kai brought his hand to Taehyun, motioning forward, "You go."

Taehyun shook his head, "No, you should."

"One of you just open it," Soobin cut in.

Beomgyu rubbed his arm in attempt to calm his bristling friend, "Shh."

"Okay, let's open it together on three," Taehyun said, putting his thumb in between the glue and paper.

Kai nodded and did the same.

"One.

Beomgyu grabbed onto Yeonjun's hand that sat on his shoulder.

"Two."

He squeezed it, tight.

"Three.”

Yeonjun squeezed back.

The two boys tore their letters open, shoving their hands inside and pulling out long papers.

They faced the table, glancing at each other, and begun to read,

"Dear, Kang Taehyun-”

“—Kai Kamal Huening," They read together, taking their time to get the words out. Their hands gently shaking as they read, the paper was trembling.

"After careful review of your application, I am pleased to inform you that you are being offered admission into our Bachelors of Fine-”

“—Arts, Majoring in Political Science-”

“—Music!"

They tore their eyes away from their papers and pulled each other into their arms, holding tight. Both Beomgyu and Soobin stood up from their chairs, pushing them back, hitting Yeonjun in the process. Beomgyu's heart swelled and he, Soobin joined the two boys in a hug. Yeonjun slowly followed, limping from the attack on his shins. They jumped around the cafe, shouting.

None of them cared if they were too loud, or taking too much space. Within their arms, they were in their own world, where nothing and no one could touch them. It was the feeling of having everything fall into place. In simple words, it was perfect.

"After my shift, let's go grab some meat, on me!" Yeonjun spoke into the cluster of boys.

Beomgyu looked over at Kai whose eyes were bright, and he couldn't believe that in a few month's time he would be walking the stage at graduation. And Beomgyu would be watching, as Kai followed him into the realm of music.

The restaurant's lighting was dark, the walls were decorated with red neon signs and the seats were cushioned in matching red velvet. The boys stood at the entrance, the glass door hitting their backs and pushing them in. They looked around, "Have you been here before?" Soobin turned to Yeonjun, who nodded back at him.

"We both have," Yeonjun reached his hand back, holding it out for Beomgyu to take. And he did, he slipped his fingers into the cracks of Yeonjun's hand, feeling the warmth envelop him. He smiled, and let Yeonjun pull him towards the person standing to the side.

"How many?"

"We're five," Yeonjun spoke for all of them.

The host nodded and led them to a booth wrapped around a large circular table, a grill in the center. The three others followed behind, taking in the dim restaurant. Beomgyu squeezed into the middle, Yeonjun sitting next to him, on the outside of the booth. On Beomgyu's other side was Taehyun and then Soobin and then Kai, whose broad shoulders would've taken too much room if he sat on the inside.

They all turned their heads immediately down towards the papers, grabbing the pencil on the side.

"We should get seafood," Soobin spoke first.

"Beomgyu doesn't eat seafood," Yeonjun jumped in.

Soobin shrugged, "he doesn't have to eat it."

"We should get things we can all enjoy, besides, we're here for meat."

Beomgyu's chest rose and he got closer to Yeonjun, sticking out his tongue to Soobin, "Yeah, we're here for meat."

Kai rolled his eyes. "Let's get pork belly," he stuck his nose forward to Yeonjun, trying to look at the paper.

"beef too," Taehyun added.

"And ribs," Beomgyu pointed to the paper.

"Guys, slow down, I'm one man," Yeonjun laughed, looking over the list again. "Maybe we should only start with half."

All four boys rolled their eyes, "fine."

Beomgyu grilled the meat, as Soobin watched, making sure it was cooked right.

"Soobin, stop watching me," Beomgyu flipped a thin piece of red and set the tongs down.

"I want to make sure you don't burn it," Soobin sat back, his eyes still on the meat.

"Keep staring at it and I'll char your piece," Beomgyu rested his hand on Yeonjun's thigh.

"I swear to God, I'll cook the meat if you keep whining," Taehyun went for the tongs.

Kai stopped Taehyun's hand, "Don't take the tongs away from him, he'll get cranky."

Yeonjun nodded and pointed at Kai, "True. When we came here the first time, I thought he was going to grill my fingers next."

Beomgyu smirked and shrugged, "I like my title of the 'grill master'," he picked up the tongs and placed the meat on Soobin's plate.

"No one calls you that," Soobin said, inspecting the meat.

As the evening went on, they took turns grilling the meat, so Beomgyu could get a chance to eat. Throughout the night, Beomgyu would place pieces of his meat onto Yeonjun's plate but whenever he would look back down, the number would be the same as he left it. Only when he caught Yeonjun in the act did he realize they had been giving each other equal equivalents of meat. Beomgyu smiled, keeping the secret to himself. This one had to have been okay, no one needed to know of the little things. The ones that filled his chest with warmth.

The four boys stood outside waiting as Yeonjun paid. The snow was gone, leaving puddles of mud and water. They all wore thin jackets and didn't complain about the cold. The wind felt nice on their skins as they stood, shifting their feet as they waited.

"I can't believe you two are graduating," Soobin said, looking at the youngest two.

Taehyun frowned, "Well believe it cause it's happening."

Beomgyu nodded, "It feels like yesterday you dragged Kai to the cafeteria table, showing him around. He was so small then," He remembered the overflowing bag, the big eyes, the nervous speech, the way he sat down and stayed quiet. Beomgyu never thought he'd watch Kai graduate, not that he never thought he'd make it. It just didn't feel real that he'd have to grow up.

But everyone grows up, Beomgyu couldn't remember when he did. He thought it might've been the second he met Kai and realized he had to protect him, protect this fragile boy from the cruelty of the real world. He'd done the best he could, Soobin too.

But everyone has to take the step and lose a piece of their glow. Maybe that's why Beomgyu was so dull, he had given his to Kai to make sure he would glow forever.

Soobin nodded, "And now he's taller than you."

Beomgyu broke from his thoughts and punched Soobin's arm, "Shut up."

A part of Beomgyu still thought Soobin stole some of it though.

Yeonjun stepped out of the restaurant, wrapping an arm around Beomgyu. "What now?"

"We should head home," Kai pointed to Taehyun and then himself.

"Get home safe," Soobin said, taking Kai into his arms.

"Goodnight," Beomgyu hugged the two boy., "What about you Soobin?" he said, pulling away.

"I'll head home too," He hugged Beomgyu and then Yeonjun.

Beomgyu watched as the three boy's figures disappeared into the darkness of the night, a part of him missed them already. This felt different like things would change. And maybe things would, in the way they'd start to see each other at school again, how they'd spend breaks together. They'd go out drinking on weekends and stumble back to Yeonjun's apartment shitfaced. They'd all be on top of each other because his apartment would be too small to hold every single one of them. It was a change Beomgyu would welcome, one he'd embrace, and one he was excited for.

The unknown didn't have to be scary, it could be magical too. You just had to give it a chance.

Beomgyu turned to Yeonjun, grabbing his hand and pulling him close so that their sides touched, "Want to go for a walk?"

The air felt warm as it kissed their skin as they walked along the familiar path. Their hands interlaced, Beomgyu pulling Yeonjun along, who seemed to be wanting to walk at a slower pace, taking in the night air.

"Hey, slow down," it was dark, and the streets were quiet. The only sounds were their footsteps. Yeonjun was whispering.

"Sorry," Beomgyu felt the need to whisper back. Like this, in the quiet darkness of the night, he felt the need to keep this all to himself. He wanted to hide him and Yeonjun in the pockets of the passing hours. He wanted to keep this to themselves, and he realized that maybe he had learned nothing about keeping secrets. He still liked them, he liked the way they were special, only known to few.

But Beomgyu learned a lot about love, he learned it was large and loud. He learned that you needed to listen to it in order to hear it. So Beomgyu listened, and stopped walking, waiting for Yeonjun to catch up.

They turned a corner and were met by a blank set of stairs and Beomgyu frowned.

"It's gone."

Yeonjun looked around and then back at the stairs, "What is?"

"The koi fish. They're gone," Beomgyu's grip tightened around Yeonjun, the wind was a little strong, and he was scared he'd blow away.

Yeonjun let go and dropped down a step, "Not really though."

Yeonjun looked back at him, "You still remember them. I still remember them," he pulled out his phone and flashed his wallpaper into Beomgyu's face. It was the picture of him awkwardly standing by the stairs, "They're still here, even when we can't see them. It's like a secret."

A secret. They were good at keeping secrets.

Yeonjun grabbed onto Beomgyu's hand again, bringing it to his lips and placing a soft kiss against it, "'Cmon, let's keep walking."

And Beomgyu followed because Beomgyu would follow him anywhere, even if it was straight off of the Earth. He was sure Yeonjun would catch him, and even if he didn't, they'd fall amongst the stars together.

A speck of cold bit at Beomgyu’s nose and he looked up, small fluffs of white started to fall from the sky. "It's snowing," he mumbled under his breath.

"It's beautiful," Yeonjun whispered, causing Beomgyu's eyes to fall onto him. He was staring at the sky, watching the thick snow fall. He was glistening in the dark, he was a star in the night sky, and he was Beomgyu's. He wondered what he looked like in Yeonjun's eyes, was he dark, cold?

Yeonjun looked down and met his eyes, catching him staring. A smile caught on Yeonjun's lips as he noticed and Beomgyu felt the heat rise to his cheeks. He felt warm, Yeonjun made him warm.

"Don't go kissing me again, remember what happened last time," Yeonjun joked.

"What? Do you regret it?" Beomgyu asked, staring at his feet, even though he knew the answer.

"No," Yeonjun said. No, he didn't regret it, and neither did Beomgyu.

Beomgyu used to hate the winter and its snow; it was cold, and it left a mess when it melted, just to remind you that it was there in the first place and not to forget it once summer came around.

Winter was a selfish season. But when Beomgyu saw snow, he was reminded of the night in front of the school, and that stupid snowflake on Yeonjun's lip that had been asking to be plucked.

Beomgyu was grateful to that snowflake, it had given him an amazing thing.

"Me neither," was what Beomgyu had said instead. "I wouldn't change it for the world," he looked at Yeonjun again, and placed his hand on his cheek. The pink apples burning into his hand. And Beomgyu thought to himself that if he was as dull as Soobin had said, if he had truly lost his glow, then let him be winter. But if he were winter, then let Yeonjun be his spring.

Beomgyu felt something cold touch his lip, and he watched Yeonjun lean in, slowly. He felt the warmth of his lips sink into his own. Pressing little kisses on the spot where the snowflake once sat, now gone, mixing into their kiss. Yeonjun pulled away, but Beomgyu didn't let him get very far as he brought his lips back to his, letting the warmth sit on his mouth, a place he thought it belonged.

Beomgyu didn’t like the snow, it froze things and left them lingering. But standing there, in that moment, Beomgyu understood Yeonjun’s love for snow. Some things are good frozen, like their kisses that linger on Beomgyu’s lips minutes after they’re pulled away.

Yeonjun was the pockets of warmth hidden in the corners of winter. He was the sun cracking through the thick clouds of grey. But where there was the warmth, there was the cold, and maybe that's where Beomgyu belonged.

For even in spring, there's a little bit of snow.