Work Text:
They like to go for walks together in the park.
Not St. James Park, of course.
They went there once, but won’t again.
Too many memories there… for both of them.
Remembrances so sweet they ache , for Crowley - the cold hollow of loss in his chest.
Memory so cold it makes Gabriel shiver, the bright summer sunlight seemingly blotted out by the dark, stormy heaviness of Aziraphale’s lingering presence.
It ended in a panic attack in the middle of the sidewalk, a miracle to keep the concerned humans oblivious… and tears Gabriel couldn’t seem to control in Crowley’s arms at home, the demon’s voice breaking over promises that he was safe, that it was over, that no one would hurt him again.
It was several weeks before they tried again - Mount Street Gardens instead of St. James. Unfamiliar to Gabriel - though he suspects there isn’t a place in all of London that doesn’t carry some Aziraphale-related memory for Crowley.
Crowley doesn’t ever mention him, nor does he appear distressed as they stroll slowly through the park. Gabriel studies him out of the corner of his eye, looking for any trace - watches closely as he slips his hand cautiously into Crowley’s.
Crowley just gives him a smile that is warm and inviting - if a little tired.
Gabriel knows Crowley barely sleeps these days. When the demon does allow himself to drift off, Gabriel’s nightmares wake him frequently - and when Gabriel awakens naturally from sleep, Crowley is almost always already awake, watching him with fond, albeit troubled eyes. It should be a little creepy, Gabriel thinks - maybe, if it were anyone else. But Crowley’s beautiful golden eyes don’t frighten him - and although Gabriel is certainly the more powerful of the two, Crowley’s watchful attention makes Gabriel feel safe.
And you’re the one who was supposed to be watching over him .
It feels good, walking with Crowley like this, holding his hand. Quiet mostly, with the occasional observation shared between them as they pass various others out enjoying the park. There’s a little family - mother human, father human, and two very small humans - seated on a blanket in the sun, enjoying colorful treats. Gabriel recognizes a couple of the things they’re eating - has even found that he enjoys some of them - and no longer feels as if he should walk over there and make sure everyone’s all right, no one’s being forced to ingest anything against their will.
As they round the corner, Gabriel catches sight of a human couple up the path - and his stomach clenches, a cold prickling sensation at the back of his neck. The young man is taller and larger than the young woman - clearly stronger. He’s got his arm around her waist, drawing her in close to him, his other hand cupping the back of her head to hold her in place as he presses his mouth to hers.
Gabriel stops short.
“What is it?” Crowley asks softly, stopping only when Gabriel’s hand tugs him back. He glances toward the couple, following Gabriel’s gaze. “What, what’s wrong?”
Gabriel’s frown deepens as the young man’s fingers tighten a little against the woman’s scalp, his mouth covering hers. His own mouth goes dry, his pulse racing. He can almost feel Aziraphale’s arm, wrapped tight around him, fingers digging into his waist in a wordless warning, his mouth claiming Gabriel’s, claiming Gabriel as his own , for everyone to see.
“Should we help her?” he whispers, hoarse and trembling, eyes locked onto the couple. “Maybe she… she needs…”
His words trail off as the woman’s hand lifts to the back of the man’s neck, eagerly pulling him in closer, rising up on her toes to meet and match his kiss.
Crowley’s worried expression softens into a knowing smile.
“I’d say she’s got what she needs, love, yeah? Looks perfectly content where she’s at to me.”
“That’s what Sandalphon said. About me.”
Crowley goes still. “Well, let’s ask, shall we?” he says at last, brisk and decisive, crossing the grass to the tree where the young couple now stand. “And we’ll have the truth, to be sure.”
He snaps his fingers as he reaches them, and Gabriel sees no visible change, but understands - Crowley’s just ensured the humans will not lie to them.
“You all right, miss?” Crowley asks with a bright, friendly smile. “All good, here?”
“Uh, yeah ,” she insists, quirking a brow upward and looking him over incredulously. “Anyone ever tell you you’re strange and creepy? Yeah, also weirdly hot, but you’re really creeping me out right now.”
Her hand flies to her mouth the minute the words stop, eyes wide and startled.
“Why did I - I didn’t mean to actually say …”
“No offense taken, love.” Crowley grins. “Thanks ever so.” He turns back toward Gabriel with a little shrug. “And she can’t lie. If I wasn’t retired, that’d be a bloody good reference.”
Gabriel can’t quite return Crowley’s smile. He steps past Crowley, closer to the couple.
“Excuse me.”
She sighs in frustration. The man is glaring as both humans turn to face him.
“You’re… sure you’re all right. You…” He glances at the man, frowning, trying to understand. “You… want this.”
“Yeah.” Her tone softens at his obvious sincerity, though she adds with a disbelieving shake of her head, “Dude. What’s your damage? ”
“You don’t have the time, love,” Crowley assures her, stepping forward and taking Gabriel’s hand again, tugging him away. “Sorry to have bothered you, we’ll just be on our way.”
Crowley leads Gabriel toward the car park where the Bentley awaits them - and with every step Gabriel’s stomach sinks a bit lower. He feels sick, his face hot with humiliation.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly as Crowley releases his hand to get into the car. “Please, I didn’t mean to…”
Crowley waits until the Bentley’s doors have shut them into her familiar safety and privacy before reaching out to take Gabriel’s hand again, lifting gentle fingers to touch his cheek - his expression softening, anguished, when Gabriel flinches.
“No need for sorry, love,” Crowley assures him. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You know, though… people do kiss… just for fun? ‘Cause it feels nice. Yeah? Understand?”
Gabriel knows this, objectively. He’s seen it on the television in Crowley’s flat, and in the rare opportunities he’s had to observe human behavior over the millennia. It’s basic information - kissing is something humans enjoy.
But still, he… doesn’t quite understand.
“It didn’t,” he whispers. “Feel nice. When he - I didn’t w-want to, and - it felt…”
Crowley just waits, gently stroking Gabriel’s hair, patiently quiet.
“Suffocating,” Gabriel concludes at last. “Like… he had all of me. The very… breath from my lungs if he wanted it.”
Crowley nods slowly, taking that in. “It can feel like that,” he concedes softly. “When you don’t have a choice. But… when you want it. When you choose it… it’s different. It can be… really nice. When it’s with someone you want that with - someone you trust, it can make you feel… closer.”
Gabriel tries to imagine that - to think about what it’d be like to actually want to kiss someone - to feel that closeness. He tries to think of anyone he might feel safe enough with, anyone he trusts that much.
Only one face fills his mind, and his vision - soft, golden eyes searching his with tenderness and warmth. Crowley’s thumb rubbing gently at the back of his neck makes him feel safe , not stifled - and all at once Gabriel thinks he understands how the girl in the park might have felt.
“Do you get it, archangel?” Crowley asks softly. “Do you understand?”
Gabriel bites his lip, and can’t help but notice the way Crowley’s eyes drift down to take in the gesture.
Maybe…
“I’m… not sure,” Gabriel admits quietly, glancing down at their joined hands against his knee. “Maybe you could... “ He looks back up to meet Crowley’s eyes, which go wide and startled when he asks, hushed and halting, “... maybe you could show me?”
They touch all the time.
They hold hands when they’re walking in the park. Gabriel sleeps curled up in Crowley’s arms - either on the sofa in the living room, or on his bed in the room Crowley gave him. Sometimes Crowley finds him alone in some corner of the flat, trembling, tearful, barely hanging onto the edge of his control - and he puts his arms around Gabriel and takes over the hanging on for him - so that Gabriel can let go for a little while.
Sometimes, Gabriel finds Crowley quietly weeping, doing his best to silence the sounds of it, because he doesn’t think that Gabriel should have to hear him crying over what he’s lost - and Gabriel just goes to him and wraps himself around him, holds him down so he doesn’t go flying to pieces.
They’ve never kissed.
But… Gabriel has dreamed that they kissed - and did other things, too, that he’s only ever experienced with Aziraphale. He awakens from those dreams unsettled, unable to shake the imagination of it, even in his waking hours. Troubled at the memories they bring back… but wondering at the possibility that it might be… different , with Crowley.
Gabriel always shuts those thoughts away before they can go far - because they’re so closely tied in with the memory of Aziraphale - the way Aziraphale’s hands felt, the heat of his mouth against Gabriel’s, the desperation to escape and the certainty that he could not . If he so much as flinched away , Aziraphale would…
“Hey,” Crowley says softly, gentle words drawing him back from the brink of memory. “If you want… if you’re sure , but… we don’t have to. We don’t ever have to.”
Gabriel swallows, looking up to meet Crowley’s eyes. “Do you want to?”
Crowley gives him a shy, crooked little smile, rolling his eyes in a self-deprecating way.
“Have done,” he admits. “Quite a while now, but… ‘s up to you, archangel. ‘S always up to you.”
Gabriel nods slowly, taking that in. “Let’s…” He hesitates, unable to state his decision when he realizes all at once that he hasn’t decided yet. “Let’s just…” He bows his head against Crowley’s shoulder with a heavy, defeated sigh, and whispers, quietly pleading, “Let’s go home?”
“You got it, love.”
Crowley’s arm is firm and steadying around his shoulders, his fingers squeezing gently as he brushes his lips against the top of Gabriel’s head - a soft display of intimate affection that’s as close as they’ve ever come to what Gabriel’s considering now.
Aziraphale did that , too - but it wasn’t the same.
That feels nice, when it’s Crowley doing it.
So… maybe…
They don’t speak again until they reach the flat. Crowley follows Gabriel inside, locking the door carefully behind them before turning to face Gabriel, a wordless question in his eyes.
“I think I - I wanna lie down,” Gabriel informs him.
Crowley nods in acceptance, and Gabriel isn’t sure if he’s imagining the trace of disappointment in his eyes.
“Will you… will you come… hold me a while?”
Crowley’s expression softens, his eyes shining with affection, and he nods again, following Gabriel into the bedroom. Gabriel slides off his shoes, takes off his scarf, and lies down on the mattress, his back turned to Crowley - who slips onto the bed behind him, wrapping his arms around him and nestling in close.
He startles slightly when Gabriel abruptly turns in his arms, facing him with searching, solemn eyes.
“It’s okay if… if I want to?” he asks.
Crowley nods, his answer a hushed whisper. “And it’s okay if you don’t.”
Gabriel nods slowly, biting his lip.
“I - I do.”
Crowley takes in a shuddering breath. “Well… all right, then,” he croaks out, his fingers trembling as they stroke Gabriel’s hair, brushing it gently back from his face. “I’m in. I’m here.”
He waits, still and quiet and patient, for Gabriel to close the little distance that remains between them - and Gabriel does at last. Shifting his body in nearer - lifting a halting hand to touch Crowley’s cheek.
It’s just the faintest brush of his lips against Crowley’s to start.
Crowley’s lips are soft, and warm, and slightly parted under Gabriel’s. His fingers catch the back of Gabriel’s shirt, but it’s not restrictive or demanding, and Gabriel tries it again - his own lips parting and closing softly around Crowley’s lower lip, just a little, before he pulls away.
“All right?” Crowley murmurs, warm with concern, and a little breathless.
“Yeah,” Gabriel whispers. “You?”
“Yeah,” Crowley assures him. He hesitates a moment, looking up at Gabriel through lowered lashes as he asks, low and reverent, “May I?”
Gabriel nods, his heart rate accelerating a little as Crowley edges in nearer, his body slotting in close next to Gabriel’s, his hand lifting to gently cup the back of Gabriel’s neck. He doesn’t grip and pull or hold Gabriel still - just brushes his thumb, firm and reassuring against his scalp, as he leans in.
His breath is warm and tastes faintly of woodsmoke, with a bittersweet trace of the strong mocha he drank as they walked in the park. He moves in slowly, kissing Gabriel’s mouth with a certainty that says he’s done this before, he knows what he’s doing - but with a caution born of concern that says he’d stop in an instant if Gabriel wanted him to.
Gabriel doesn’t want him to.
He finds his own lips parting as Crowley caresses them with his own, tenderly exploring - and then, Gabriel moves in closer too, matching Crowley’s movements as they begin to find a rhythm. Yielding when Crowley advances - chasing when he retreats - pressing Crowley down onto the mattress with his own body and searching the demon’s mouth with his own.
He feels a little heady and breathless when at last he pulls back, studying Crowley’s face. The demon looks a little dazed, but there’s a lazy, contented smile on his lips.
“You’re not half bad at that, archangel,” he murmurs. “How’s it feel?”
“Nice,” Gabriel whispers, feeling relieved at the realization. “It feels… really nice, with you.”
Crowley’s smile fades a little at the unintentional reminder of the past, and he lifts a hand to cup Gabriel’s cheek, wordlessly encouraging the archangel’s gaze back up to meet his eyes.
“If it’s ever not,” he says softly. “If you don’t want to… we don’t have to. Just because you wanted to this time… doesn’t mean you have to want to, later. Or have to… let me, or anyone…”
“Anyone?” Gabriel echoes, dubious and disbelieving, lifting an eyebrow. “Who else…?”
“Well, I don’t know,” Crowley sputters, his face flushing as he looks away. “Just… you know, in case… just look at you, archangel, it’s not like you’d be short of options if you wanted them, and you don’t owe me anything, and if you know… someone else at some point turns your head and you decide you’d like to…”
“ Crowley .”
Crowley blinks up at him with a startled, relieved expression - as if he can’t quite believe what was coming out of his mouth and he’s extremely fucking grateful that Gabriel just stopped him.
“Yes?” Crowley bites his lip as if to keep any more words from spilling out.
Gabriel can’t help but smile in bittersweet amusement at the irony of it.
“Could you quit… telling me what I might want someday and just… focus on what I want right now?”
Crowley beams, eyes alight with admiration, and Gabriel feels his own face flush under the demon’s approval. It isn’t always the easiest thing for Gabriel to state firmly what he wants, and actually fucking ask for it.
But then… everything seems easier with Crowley.
“Right, then, archangel,” Crowley concedes, soft and affectionate, his thumb tracing lightly along Gabriel’s lower lip, and Gabriel feels a delightful little shiver run down his spine. “Tell me, then. What do you want? Right now?”
“I want you to stop talking so much…” Gabriel grins, Crowley’s sparkling eyes revealing his own shared amusement at the role reversal. “... and kiss me again. Can you do that?”
Crowley’s smile softens, and he shifts their positions a little, pushing Gabriel onto his side and leaning in close, his words low and hushed with soft desire.
“I believe that can be arranged.”