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Seungmin winced slightly as Hyunjin draped himself across his back, uncomfortable with the way his hip bones dug into the floor under the weight of the slightly older man’s body on top of him. While the skinship was normal - Seungmin had always been open with the other members that he found it comforting, to the point that 3RACHA had gifted him a weighted blanket for his birthday the year they debuted - Seungmin couldn’t help worrying that it was too close in that moment. Seungmin was well aware that he’d lost a significant amount of weight in the past couple of months, and he’d been doing his best to hide that fact from the other members with baggier clothes and trying his best to avoid letting anyone see him without his shirt on.
“Yah… since when do your ribs stick out so much?” Hyunjin asked, rubbing his hands down Seungmin’s sides and moving to get off almost as though he was afraid he would hurt Seungmin. “Aish… how much weight have you lost?”
“I don’t know…” Seungmin replied, turning his phone so that it was face down on the floor. He didn’t look at the older man, even as he felt Hyunjin putting a hand on his back. “It’s not a big deal…”
“Are you trying to lose weight?” Hyunjin asked.
“No… I just haven’t really been able to eat much,” Seungmin replied.
“For how long?” Seungmin closed his eyes, burying his face in his arms. He really didn’t want to talk about what had been going on with his stomach and his inability to eat normally. “Minnie… how long have you been struggling to eat?” Hyunjin raised his voice slightly, and Seungmin knew that it was likely that at least one of the other members had heard the conversation that Hyunjin clearly wasn’t going to let go.
“I don’t know… a while,” Seungmin replied, turning his head to the side. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“We need to talk about it, though… you’re going to make yourself sick…” Hyunjin began.
“It’s not like I’m trying to not eat… but I can’t…”
“What do you mean, you can’t eat?” Seungmin closed his eyes at Chan’s question, knowing that the leader was definitely not going to let this go. “Seungmin-ah… why can’t you eat?”
Seungmin took a deep breath, not looking at the leader even as he felt the older man gently scratching his scalp in a way that the other members all knew was comforting for him. “I just… I don’t know,” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “It’s complicated.”
“Just try,” Chan encouraged, squeezing his shoulder gently.
“I just… it stresses me out,” Seungmin admitted, turning to face the leader and curling up on his side. “Some things are fine, but a lot of times I feel sick just thinking about certain foods… even stuff that I’ve eaten before…”
“But you are eating, right?” Chan asked.
“I’m trying,” Seungmin replied.
Chan sighed, rubbing Seungmin’s back. “Okay…we need to see how much you weigh, first of all,” the leader commented, holding out a hand to help Seungmin up off the floor. Seungmin nodded slowly, letting Chan help him to his feet. He felt a little lightheaded once he was standing up, and it was obvious that at least Hyunjin had noticed as the eldest ’00-liner hurried to grab his free arm. “Aish… are you dizzy, too?”
“Just when I stand up too fast…” Seungmin replied.
“Right… when was the last time you ate a full meal?” Chan asked. Seungmin could see that the other members were obviously listening in on the conversation since Chan had overheard what they were talking about. It was a little unnerving; Seungmin honestly couldn’t remember the last time that he’d actually eaten a full meal, but he didn’t feel comfortable admitting that to everyone so suddenly. “Minnie? When was the last time you ate?”
“I had some rice this morning,” Seungmin replied.
“Yah… a bowl of rice isn’t a meal…” Hyunjin commented, shaking his head.
“Okay… let’s just focus on figuring out how bad things have gotten first,” Chan replied, cutting off the other boy before Hyunjin could say anything else about Seungmin’s recent eating habits.
The leader guided Seungmin out of the practice room and down the hall towards the only room with a scale that they had access to - the men’s locker room. Seungmin hated the room; it tended to smell, thanks to the fact that too many people tended to leave their dirty practice clothes and their dance shoes in the room. While it didn’t seem to bother anyone else that much, Seungmin hated the smell of everyone’s dirty clothes and he really didn’t want to have to deal with that on top of everything else that was going on. But he knew that Chan wasn’t going to give up until he saw the number on the scale, so Seungmin bit back his desire to complain about the smell.
“Take your shoes off, okay? I want the most accurate number we can get,” Chan commented, as he guided Seungmin towards the scale. Seungmin nodded, doing as he was told and stepping up onto the machine. “Turn around for me…”
“I’m not trying to lose weight, hyung,” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “I think I’m more afraid to know how bad it’s gotten than you are…”
Chan sighed, nodding. “Okay…” The leader carefully adjusted the sliders on the scale in front of Seungmin’s face. He could see the concerned look on the leader’s face as Chan seemed to realize just how low the number actually was. “Aish… how did you lose almost five kilos without anyone noticing?”
Seungmin shrugged, looking down at his feet rather than at Chan’s face. “I’ve tried…” Seungmin began.
“I’m sure that you have,” Chan replied, reaching up to gently massage the back of Seungmin’s neck. “I just wish that you had told us that something was wrong before it got this bad…”
“Mianhamnida…” Seungmin whispered.
Chan sighed. “I have to tell the managers to pull you… at least until we know what’s going on and can get you some help,” the leader replied. “Whatever’s going on, we’re going to make sure that you’re okay first and foremost… you’re more important than anything else, okay?”
Seungmin nodded slowly, moving to step off the scale and leaning into the leader as Chan opened his arms to give Seungmin a tight hug. “Is everything okay?” Seungmin closed his eyes at the sound of Changbin’s question, unsure of when the other man had arrived in the room.
“We need to get Seungmin-ah to a doctor… he’s lost a lot of weight, and I think something might be really wrong,” Chan replied, gently rubbing Seungmin’s back in an attempt at comforting him. Seungmin couldn’t help the soft sob that escaped as he leaned heavily into the leader’s arms, suddenly understanding the enormity of what might be going on. “Aish… it’s okay, Minnie… we’re going to take care of you.”
“I’ll go get Manager-hyung,” Changbin commented softly, exiting the room as Chan continued to gently rub Seungmin’s back as he allowed himself to just cry and let it all out.
By the time he ran out of tears, Seungmin was feeling extremely lightheaded and weak. Thankfully, Chan seemed to realize that Seungmin wasn’t doing all that well. “Let’s sit you down, okay?” the leader suggested, as Changbin and their manager arrived. Seungmin nodded, letting Chan guide him to sit down on a bench nearby. “You okay?”
“I feel kind of lightheaded…” Seungmin replied softly, closing his eyes. “Mianhamnida… I really didn’t mean to cause any problems…”
“Seungmin-ah, can you tell me what’s going on?” Seungmin felt someone put an arm around his shoulders as the manager asked his question, squeezing him gently.
“I don’t…” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “I don’t know why I’m like this, hyung… I’ve been trying, but I just can’t do it…”
“Do what?” the manager asked softly.
“Eat…” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “Some things are fine, but then other things I just can’t… and then I end up getting so stressed out that I don’t eat much of anything…”
“He’s lost at least five kilos, hyung…” Chan began.
Seungmin could hear the manager sigh. “I didn’t mean to…” Seungmin began.
“Okay… we need to take you to the hospital, so that they can make sure you aren’t getting dehydrated or anything immediately dangerous,” the manager replied. “You haven’t been getting sick or anything, have you?”
Seungmin shook his head. “Not since the food poisoning incident… that was when it all started,” Seungmin admitted. “It was just the stuff from that meal at first, but it’s been getting worse…”
“Let’s get you checked out…”
***
Seungmin couldn’t stop himself from rocking back and forth in the hospital bed, with his arms wrapped around his knees and his eyes closed against the bright fluorescent lights of the exam room. He hated fluorescents in general; the tubes buzzed in an obnoxious way, and Seungmin couldn’t stand the way the light flickered constantly. Given the fact that he’d already been anxious about the hospital trip to begin with, the constant annoyance of the lights was really becoming an issue for Seungmin.
“Kim Seungmin-ssi?” Seungmin forced himself to look up at the person addressing him, nodding slowly to acknowledge the question as the man checked the plastic identification bracelet around his wrist. “I’m Dr. Choi… I’d ask how you’re feeling, but I think I have a pretty good idea of the answer to that question already.”
“Is there anything you can do about the lights? He was already having a difficult day, and it seems to be getting progressively worse,” the manager commented, from where the man had been waiting with him in the corner of the room.
“Unfortunately I need the lights on for a few minutes so that I can examine him,” the doctor replied. “As soon as we’re finished, I’ll turn them off. Do you think that you can give me a few minutes, Seungmin-ssi?” Seungmin nodded slowly, knowing that cooperating with the doctor would be the fastest way to get things done so that he could go back to the dorm and get away from everything that was stressing him out.
The physical exam was over pretty quickly, and Seungmin was quick to close his eyes and curl up again once the doctor had moved to recording his observations in the computer. “Okay… we’re definitely going to go with a psych consult, just based on the information you gave us at triage,” the doctor commented as he typed. “Physically, my primary concern is the potential for dehydration and malnutrition. We definitely need to start an IV.”
Seungmin nodded. “Okay,” he replied softly.
“I’d also like to do an EKG, just to make sure that there’s no damage to your heart from the rapid weight loss you’ve reported. It’s non-invasive, but it will give us a good idea of what we’re dealing with in terms of your current physical health,” the doctor added.
“Okay,” Seungmin replied. “I just want to get better…”
“That’s good,” the doctor commented, moving to gently squeeze Seungmin’s shoulder in an attempt at providing some degree of comfort. “Wanting to get better is always the first step, when you’re dealing with mental health issues. I’m going to get a nurse in here to start an IV and do the EKG, and then we can turn off the lights for a little while until psych comes down to talk with you.” Seungmin nodded, taking a deep breath and doing his best to calm himself down.
Seungmin was thankful that the nurse arrived quickly after that, with some kind of machine on a cart that Seungmin didn’t recognize. “Kim Seungmin-ssi?” Seungmin nodded, watching as the woman smiled and checked his bracelet. “Can you just confirm your birthdate for me, please?”
“September 22, 2000,” Seungmin replied.
“Perfect,” the woman replied, moving the machine closer to his bed. “We’re going to do the EKG first, and once I’ve passed on the results to Dr. Choi I’ll come back to start your IV. Does that sound okay?”
Seungmin nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay.”
“Okay… we need to take your shirt off, and then I need you to lay flat for just a few minutes while I set everything up and run the test,” the nurse explained. Seungmin nodded, uncurling himself and pulling his shirt off. He couldn’t look at his manager as the man gasped at the sight of his ribs sticking out. “Let’s lay you down for just a few minutes. I’m going to place these sticky leads on your chest and arms, and then I’ll attach the leads to the machine. You won’t feel anything during the test, and as soon as we have a good reading we’ll unhook everything and you can put your shirt back on, okay?”
Seungmin nodded, following the nurse’s instructions. He closed his eyes, doing his best to keep breathing and focus on anything other than the anxiety that was still trying to bubble up inside of him. “Is the fact that he’s anxious right now going to be a problem?” the manager asked. “He’s been about halfway to a panic attack for a while now…”
“Anxiety can cause abnormalities… but cardiology will likely request a retest if there’s an abnormality and he needs to be referred to them,” the nurse explained, as she began placing the leads. “Unless there’s a seriously concerning abnormality, that can wait until there’s a plan in place to deal with his mental state.”
Seungmin did his best not to move, even as the nurse finished placing the leads on his skin and attached a bunch of wires to them. It didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable, either; the adhesive on the leads was significantly stronger than what they used for taping on mics and monitors, and Seungmin already didn’t like that on his skin all that much. “Okay. Just hold still for a moment. We’re going to run the test twice, just to make sure, but it won’t take very long.”
Even the brief moment it took to run the test felt like an eternity to Seungmin, until the nurse was finally removing the wires from him. “Okay… all done,” the nurse commented, smiling at him. “Let’s sit you up, and we’ll get all of these leads off of you.” Seungmin let the woman help him sit up, immediately starting to help her remove the leads because the adhesive on his skin was irritating and it was making his anxiety about the whole situation even worse.
“Everything looks okay, right?” the manager asked.
“I’m not qualified to interpret an EKG, but I didn’t see anything I would find immediately concerning,” the nurse replied, as she continued to work. “Just a couple more minutes, okay, Seungmin-ssi? I’m just going to hand over the EKG reports, and then I’ll be back to start that IV so that you can get some rest.”
Seungmin curled in on himself again as soon as he got his shirt back on, closing his eyes and doing everything he could to block out what was going on around him. It was all just too much, and Seungmin could feel himself shaking as he tried to just focus on his breathing.
“Hey… hey, it’s okay,” the manager commented, squeezing Seungmin’s shoulder. “Deep breaths, okay?”
“I w-want to go home…” Seungmin sobbed, leaning into the man’s chest. “I c-can’t d-do this…”
“Yes, you can,” the manager reassured, rubbing Seungmin’s back reassuringly. “We need to be sure that you’re okay… I know that you’re struggling right now, but we have to make sure that you’re healthy and we have to be here in order to do that.”
***
“How is he?” Seungmin forced his eyes open as he felt Chan unbuckling his seat belt, turning towards the leader as Chan smiled and put an arm around his waist to help him out of the van. “You feeling okay, Minnie?”
“Tired,” Seungmin mumbled, letting the older man take some of his weight so that he didn’t have to worry too much about getting back up to the dorm.
“We have to go back to the hospital in the morning for another appointment, but his doctor didn’t think that he was in immediate danger,” the manager replied. “For right now, I think the best thing is to get him upstairs and in bed… we can talk about what’s going on when he’s not quite so overwhelmed…”
“I think that sounds like a good idea,” Chan replied, guiding Seungmin into the elevator so that they could head up to the group’s dorm. “Did you eat dinner yet?” Chan asked, as they waited for the elevator to reach their floor.
“Kind of…” Seungmin began, not looking at the man. Even though he had an explanation for his struggle to eat, Seungmin couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable with admitting to the fact that he wasn’t able to eat normally. Seungmin knew that the food at the hospital had been safe, but he hadn’t been able to get himself to eat most of the tray they had given him for dinner because of what was going on in his head.
“We’ll get you something else when we get upstairs… what can you eat right now?” Chan asked.
“Rice is safe… I think I can still eat gimbap...” Seungmin began softly.
“Okay… we’ll get some gimbap while you take a shower, and we’ll try it when you get out,” Chan replied, rubbing Seungmin’s back. “Then we’ll get you in bed, so that you can get some rest. Does that sound good?” Seungmin nodded, letting his head rest against Chan’s shoulder.
“I’m scared, hyung…” Seungmin admitted softly.
“We’ll figure it out,” Chan quickly reassured. “We figured things out when Jisung-ah was struggling, and we’re going to do the same for you, okay?” Seungmin nodded, as they finally made it out of the elevator.
It was obvious that the other members had been instructed not to bother them when they walked into the dorm, given the fact that Seungmin wasn’t immediately bombarded with a million questions about his visit to the hospital. Instead, he and Chan were allowed to head straight to the bathroom, where someone had left out a pair of clean pajamas for him. “Are you going to be okay on your own?” Chan asked softly, once the water was running to warm up.
“I’ll be okay,” Seungmin replied, nodding slowly.
Chan nodded. “Come to the kitchen when you’re done, okay? I’m going to get manager-hyung to get you some gimbap,” the leader commented. Seungmin nodded, taking a deep breath as the leader left the room and trying to calm himself down so that he could actually take a shower and go to try and eat something.
Seungmin had to admit that he did feel a little better once he was out of the shower and dressed in clean pajamas, although he really wasn’t looking forward to having to face any of the other members or their manager. While he knew that the others needed to know what was going on, Seungmin wasn’t sure that he actually wanted to be part of that conversation. A big part of him just wanted to let the manager be the one to explain everything, so that he didn’t have that pressure on himself any longer. But at the same time, Seungmin wasn’t sure that the older man really understood what was going on in his head well enough to explain it to them. Seungmin wasn’t really sure that he understood it well enough to explain.
The sound of someone knocking on the bathroom door brought Seungmin back to reality, before Hyunjin opened the door just enough to stick his head into the room. “Hey… are you okay?” the eldest ’00 liner asked, opening the door a little more once he was sure that Seungmin was decent.
“I’m fine,” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “It’s just… a lot.”
Hyunjin nodded, moving to pull Seungmin into a tight hug. “You know that we love you, and we’re going to be here for you,” Hyunjin commented, gently rubbing Seungmin’s back to try and comfort him. “Let’s get you something to eat, okay? Then we’ll go lay down and just cuddle for a while. Does that sound good?” Seungmin nodded slowly, letting the other man guide him out to the kitchen.
Chan was already waiting for them by the time Seungmin and Hyunjin arrived in the room, with a plastic tray of gimbap from the convenience store down the street. The sight of the food instantly set Seungmin on edge, as he realized that he hadn’t actually told anyone which foods were difficult for him. “Tell me what’s upsetting you…” Hyunjin began, as he realized that Seungmin was getting anxious again.
“I don’t… what if I can’t eat it?” Seungmin asked. “I don’t know what’s in it…”
“Okay… how about we look at the package and see what’s in it?” Hyunjin suggested, guiding Seungmin to sit down at the little table.
“Is everything okay?” Chan asked, as they sat down.
“He’s nervous about the food…” Hyunjin began, gently massaging the back of Seungmin’s neck. “Do you still have the ingredients list, so we can make sure that it’s something he can eat?”
“Yeah, we have it here,” Chan replied, producing the other half of the plastic tray from somewhere nearby and handing it over. Seungmin looked at the long list of ingredients, feeling his panic slowly starting to ease off as he realized that the food didn’t have anything that scared him. “We can make something else, if you’re uncomfortable…”
Seungmin shook his head slowly, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “No… no, this is okay,” he replied, closing his eyes. “Mianhe…”
“We just want to find something you can eat… we don’t care if it’s a little more difficult, as long as we get some food in your stomach,” Chan reassured.
“Just eat what you can, okay? Take your time,” Hyunjin added, running his hand up into the hair at the nape of Seungmin’s neck.
Seungmin nodded, taking a sip from the glass of water Chan had set down next to the tray of food before he picked up a pair of chopsticks and started to eat. The first bite was difficult, and it took him a moment to be able to chew and then swallow the food despite the fact that he knew it was safe. “Okay, aegi?” Chan asked.
“I… I don’t like you guys watching me eat…” Seungmin admitted softly, putting down the chopsticks. “I know that you need to know I’m eating. But, can you just… do something else? Like, be here, but talking or doing something else?”
Chan nodded, smiling. “Yeah, we can do that,” the leader replied, immediately turning to Hyunjin and starting a conversation about something completely unimportant. Seungmin didn’t particularly care about what they were discussing; the important thing was that they weren’t talking about Seungmin’s current situation, and their attention wasn’t fully on him as he ate. Although he still felt anxious about the whole situation, it helped; Seungmin could simply focus on getting as much of the food down as possible, and he found himself managing to eat all but two of the eight pieces in the package before he was too full to eat anything else. “Drink some more water, Seungminnie,” Chan instructed softly, once Seungmin had put the chopsticks down. It was an acknowledgement that the leader had been paying attention, even if he hadn’t made it obvious while Seungmin was eating.
“How are you feeling right now?” Hyunjin asked, turning his attention back to Seungmin.
Seungmin shook his head. “Tired… confused,” Seungmin replied. “I don’t want to go back to the doctor tomorrow…”
“I’m sure… but they’re only trying to make sure that you’re going to be okay,” Hyunjin reassured.
“They think there’s something wrong with me…” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “Not just the food thing… something a lot worse…”
“Whatever’s going on, you know that we’re going to be here for you,” Chan replied. “Whatever you need, you have the whole group supporting you, okay? We just want you to be healthy and happy again…”
***
Seungmin looked down at the stack of paperwork in his hands, still trying to process everything the doctor had told him that morning. It was a lot to take in - Seungmin had spent most of the appointment trying to process what was actually happening, because he was honestly still confused about his actual diagnosis. It still didn’t quite make sense how he could be diagnosed with a developmental disorder when he was in his early twenties, although the doctor had reassured him that he’d always been this way - Seungmin had done a good job of masking his struggles as a child, to the point that no one had realized he was actually struggling.
“I think it might be a good idea for you to sit down with the rest of your members and talk through what’s going on, while I’m setting up a meeting to talk through ur next steps with upper management…” the manager commented, as he parked in their usual space outside of the company building.
“They won’t understand…” Seungmin began, shaking his head. “I’m an adult… they should have diagnosed this years ago, if this was really what’s going on…”
“Just because it wasn’t diagnosed when you were younger, doesn’t mean it isn’t real,” the man replied. “Honestly, we probably should have known that something was going on a long time ago… long before it turned into an actual issue. But we assumed that because you weren’t having issues with the other members and you were able to work, that whatever was going on wasn’t a big deal.”
Seungmin sighed, closing his eyes. “So other people knew that there was something weird about me, even though I didn’t? Really?” Seungmin asked. “What if Stay figured it out?”
“Seungmin-ah… the fact that you know what’s going on with your brain doesn’t mean that you are any different than you were before,” the manager replied. “You are still the same person that you were the day you joined Stray Kids, and you are the same person that Stay have loved for the past three years… the fact that you now know that you’re autistic doesn’t change who you’ve always been. What it does mean is that we can get you the best possible support while you’re dealing with your eating disorder, because we know that your brain works a little differently.”
Seungmin nodded slowly, looking back down at the paperwork in his hands. “I’m still… what if the other guys don’t understand?” he asked.
“They might be confused, just like you are… but I really don’t think that it’s going to change things all that much,” the manager reassured. “They’re your friends… you know that they care about you. And you’ve seen how good they’ve all been with things like this with the other guys and some of the issues they’ve gone through in the past couple of years…”
“I guess… I guess I just need to get this over with,” Seungmin replied, nodding.
Walking into the dance room felt a little strange, considering the fact that Seungmin knew he wasn’t allowed to actually rehearse with the rest of the group. Although he’d been allowed to leave the hospital because he wasn’t ill enough to require constant supervision, he had been made to promise that he wouldn’t work until his health was more stable.
“Minnie!” Seungmin smiled as Hyunjin hurried over to him as soon as the rest of the group finished the run of Miroh they had been going through as a refresher. “How are you feeling? What did the doctor say?”
“Hyunjin-ah, let him breathe,” Minho commented, as the rest of the group slowly made their way towards him while Jeongin cut off the music.
“I… I guess I need to tell all of you what’s been going on…” Seungmin began, taking a deep breath. “Can we… can we sit?”
“Of course… if you’re ready to talk, then we’re here,” Chan replied. “Just let us have a minute to get some water, okay? We’ll all sit down and talk.”
Seungmin nodded, moving to sit down in his usual place on the floor for when they had group meetings in the room rather than in the dorm. He smiled as Felix handed him a bottle of water, too, even though Seungmin hadn’t been working. “I’m sure you’re probably thirsty, if you’ve been talking with the doctors this long,” the man commented, before he sat down next to Seungmin with his own bottle.
“Thanks,” Seungmin replied, opening the bottle and taking a sip.
Once everyone was seated, Seungmin took a deep breath. “I don’t really know how to say it…” he began, shaking his head. “I haven’t been able to eat properly for a while. Not since we accidentally gave ourselves food poisoning a couple of months ago - at first it was just the food we ate that night, but it’s gotten worse over time, and now I can’t really eat much of anything. When I went to the hospital yesterday, they diagnosed me with something called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder…”
“What’s that?” Felix asked. Chan was quick to translate the actual diagnosis into English, but Seungmin could tell that he didn’t really know what it actually meant.
“It’s an anxiety thing - I’m afraid of certain foods, because I’m worried that I’m going to get sick if I eat them,” Seungmin explained. “I know it’s dumb… but if you put a bowl of bibimbap in front of me right now my brain would tell me that it’s dangerous and that I can’t eat it or I’ll get sick…”
“So that’s why you’ve lost weight… because you’re afraid of the food we’ve been eating?” Changbin asked. Seungmin nodded. “Okay… so what can you eat? What do we need to make sure we’re buying, so that you can eat?”
“I can’t just eat safe foods… there’s so little left, and it really isn’t healthy to try and survive on rice and a couple of vegetables…” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “They’re getting me in with a therapist and a nutritionist, so that we can work on it. But I’m going to be out for a while, because I have to gain a bunch of weight before they’ll sign off on letting me back even just to practice…”
“That’s okay… your health is more important than whatever we have going on,” Hyunjin commented, moving to put an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders and pull him into a hug.
“That isn’t the only thing, though…” Seungmin began, looking down at his lap. “They said that this eating disorder is usually part of something else… it usually isn’t something that you develop unless there’s something else wrong with you…”
“Like… some kind of other mental illness?” Jisung asked softly, obviously concerned. Seungmin understood why the rapper would be concerned, given the fact that he had previously been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder himself.
“Or a developmental disorder,” Seungmin replied, nodding. “That’s the other issue… the doctor I saw today thinks I’m autistic.”
Seungmin didn’t look up, waiting to see if the others were going to react to the admission. He closed his eyes as he heard Chan once again translating for Felix, thankful that he didn’t have to try and explain it again in his second language.
“Wait… that wasn’t already a thing?” Felix asked. Seungmin looked up, surprised by the look of confusion on the Aussie’s face. “I thought we just didn’t talk about it, because it made you uncomfortable…”
“I didn’t even know…” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “How…?”
“I don’t know how to explain it in Korean,” Felix replied, shaking his head before switching to English. “You have stims that I noticed as soon as I met you… the noises you’re always making, and the way you always relax whenever we lay on top of you or you have the weighted blanket on. That’s a pressure stim. And your answers when we ask you about your emotions don’t really always make sense. I thought you just didn’t like to talk about being autistic, so I didn’t want to say anything and make you uncomfortable…”
Seungmin nodded slowly, still trying to take in the fact that at least one of his friends had figured out what was going on with his brain before Seungmin had even known that there was something different about him. “So… you think he’s right?” Seungmin asked.
“Well… yeah. But it’s just part of who you are…it isn’t a problem or anything,” Felix replied. “We all love you the way you are… you’re our brother, even if you don’t think the same way the rest of us do.”
“Lix is right… the fact that you have this diagnosis doesn’t change anything,” Changbin reassured, even though Seungmin knew that the elder rapper had no idea what had happened in their brief English conversation. “You’re still the same person you’ve always been. It’s just that now we know a little more and we can understand you a little better than we used to…”
Seungmin took a deep breath, nodding. “Are you going to stay here in the dorm, or are they going to have you move home for a while?” Minho asked softly.
“I don’t know,” Seungmin asked, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I want to do… or what would be better for me right now…”
“I feel like that’s a decision they should consult your doctor about,” Jisung commented. “I mean… mental health stuff is a lot more complicated than something like Lix’s asthma. And we need to make sure that you get the help you really need right now.”
Seungmin nodded, as Felix and Hyunjin both held his hands and sat as close to him as possible for a moment until their manager knocked on the door again. “C’mon, Minnie-yah… we’re going to meet with upper management about your hiatus…”
“Hyung… is it alright if I come, too? I need to know what’s going on, and I don’t thing Seungmin-ah is in a great place to do this on his own…” Chan began, as Hyunjin and Felix helped Seungmin to his feet.
Thankfully, the manager nodded. “Yeah… yeah, we can do that, if it will make Seungmin-ah feel more comfortable,” the man replied, looking at Seungmin.
“Please, hyung,” Seungmin replied, nodding and moving a bit closer to Chan. The leader put an arm around his shoulders, squeezing them gently.
“Don’t worry, Minnie… you know that I’ve got your back.”