Work Text:
Dear Jonathan,
Hi, Jonathan.
Jonathan,
Hey, Jonathan, it's me, Steve.
*
J---
This is stupid. I can't believe I'm doing this. I don't even have a diary. Helen says I should be keeping a mood journal because it's meant to help me realise when I have good days and bad days, but I sort of think it's to help her more than anything. She's a therapist, right?
I remember Nance once telling me my writing needed work. I guess looking back she was just meant to be helping me with my homework, but it's been something that's really stuck with me over the years and made me super self-conscious with my writing. This actually feels a lot like a school assignment, really. Helen even gave me this worksheet about what I'm meant to be writing about here. I mean... it's not like I'm ever going to send this to you. It's just going to wind up in the trash. It all feels stupid.
Q1. Who is the other person?
Jonathan Byers.
Q2. What happened between you?
We got into a fight because I said something stupid.
Q3. What emotions are you experiencing?
Confusion. Anger. Hurt. Hunger.
Q4. What has prev
Okay, so, I don't know but number two doesn't feel right. We got into a fight... but we got into lots of fights over the years, mostly because I'm a big jerk. That last fight out the cinema should've been the turning point, though, when I go back and think about it. Because... well, that was the fight that really got my thinking. It's like you knocked some sense into me, y'know? And I really tried to fix it. I went to your house, and Nance was there, and the demogorgon and I helped you both fight it off. And- look, I can't really tell Helen that, I've just told her it was your dad, sorry- and that should have been enough. Like, we should've all been friends after that.
But... we weren't. And I don't know why.
And then we got to fight all the demon dogs and I got the shit kicked out of me by Billy and I thought THAT should've been the changing point. I had to go to hospital for that and everything! I thought, if I gave you and Nancy space, maybe you'd both come around. I mean, I wasn't really going anywhere or anything, seeing as I was holed up in bed for a while, but again, things should've been different. But it never was, and I don't know why. No matter what I did, nothing ever seemed to make any difference.
Sooo... I guess that's where I am now.
Dustin told me you're in New York. I'm kinda jealous. No, I'm a lot jealous. If anyone had ever told me a few years ago outta the two of us, you'd be the one to get out of this podunk backwards ass of a town, I'd have never believed 'em. It should've been me. But... I guess that kinda goes with everything else. Robin once made a joke about Billy being one of those guys who peaks in high school, and I laughed at the time, but I kinda feel that way about myself. It's not like I've done anything.
No, wait. Helen says I should stop being so hard on myself. Okay, so... I've done some stuff. I haven't gone to college like you, but I just finished my second year of business administration at Bloomington. Community college doesn't seem as cool as what you're doing, but we can all be big future photography stars, or whatever your dream is. Dustin told me that Will said you're doing photography. It sounds cool.
My dad really wanted me to do accounting. They offer accounting here, and I even got accepted, but doing Bus Admin was a subtle 'fuck you' to my old man.
Okay, so-
Q4. What has prevented you fr
Why did you leave? That's what I want to know. How could you leave after all that had happened? I asked Nancy once, and she told me that you had too many bad memories. Don't we all, though? That's why I'm seeing Helen now. That and the repeated head trauma.
I wish I could follow you. Maybe one day I will. My GPA isn't so bad, so maybe I could even get into college in New York. I don't know what I'd study, though. Maybe I could just work.
Did Nancy tell you she's been dating a girl? Maybe it's not for me to tell, but it's not like I'm sending this. It’s someone she met up in Chicago. Her name is Kali, I think. Apparently she's El's sister. I haven't met her, but I guess she must be a good person. Nancy tends to pick good people. She picked you, didn't she?
(Normally I'd say something here about how I must be the exception, but Helen wouldn't be happy with that.)
With that in mind...
Q4. What has prevented you from moving on?
I miss you. That's all there is to it. Sometimes I miss you so much I can taste it. I don't know why. I think of the last time we saw each other, over and over and over, and I wonder what would have happened if I'd asked you to stay. What would you have said if I asked if you wanted to go out for lunch, or if I'd invited you over, or if I'd told you how I felt. I haven't told Helen everything- I mean, there's a lot that's happened, I need to give her a bit of a break, y'know?
There's still so much I want to say. I think I could finally work up the courage to tell you how I feel. I've had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to work on everything that happened. Maybe the thing 'preventing' me from moving on is my own honesty... or lack of it. Honesty with myself and honesty with you. The way I feel about you, the way I felt about you, even back then.
*
Q5. Where would you like to see your relationship with this person go?
Okay, so. It's been a few weeks and Helen says I need to finish things. That's something we've been working on. I don't finish things I start. Like this letter.
And I don't think I finished things with you.
I kissed you. I was chicken shit to do it, it's why I ran after, but I think I'd've been more chicken shit not to. I think about you kissing me back a lot. I think about it all the damn time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the nightmare having nightmares about the upside down, and sometimes I wake up worrying about my exams and sometimes I wake up thinking about kissing you.
You kissed me back, though. And that's what I think about most.
I miss you. I want to come see you in New York. Can I call and talk to you about it?
Yours,
Steve