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Kaidan watches silently as Doctor Chakwas slaps some medi-gel onto a deep cut that is on Shepard’s side. The biotic's arms are crossed and he's leaning against the opposite bed to the Commander. Shepard hisses at the sting, flinching away and then regretting the movement immediately as his entire side shoots fiery pain through his body. There’s a huge black and blue that spreads all the way past his naval and up into his chest. Broken ribs, Doctor Chakwas had supplied and then lectured Shepard on the ideals of not falling off high places. Shepard had sat there and taken it, feeling the tension coming off of Kaidan in waves.
“There,” Doctor Chakwas pulls away, inspecting her handiwork of wrapping Shepard’s abdomen up. “It’ll hurt to move and breathe for a while but you should be fine.” There’s a hint of flabbergasted amusement in her voice, as if she doesn’t expect anything different from Shepard. Shepard has the feeling Kaidan wouldn’t appreciate the tone, however, so he’s grateful the Doctor keeps it mostly hidden. “And because I know there’s no way I’ll be able to keep you on bed rest for six week, I will give you some potent painkillers. Just don’t overdo it, Commander. Your ribs do need to heal properly.”
Shepard grunts and then hops off the table. He eyes Kaidan, who still hasn’t spoken a single word, and gestures with his head to follow him. Shepard might as well bite the bullet and confront whatever is bothering Kaidan now instead of waiting for it later. So, he leads the way to the elevator and half expects Kaidan to start in on him while they are alone in there but the biotic waits until the door is completely shut to Shepard’s quarters before he speaks.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Kaidan’s voice is low instead of raised like Shepard had expected.
“There was no other choice, Kaidan,” Shepard says, as if that’s the final word on it and if he was half the Commander he should be with Kaidan, it would have been.
But Kaidan doesn’t like that answer and he knows he gets more leeway with Shepard because Shepard cares about him in a different way than the rest of the crew. “There were plenty of other options,” his voice is starting to rise now, his muscles tense. “I even suggested another option but you chose to ignore it.”
“That’s because the last I knew, I was the Commander and you’re supposed to listen to me.” The words are out of Shepard’s mouth before he can even give it some thought and Kaidan’s jaw clenches shut, eyebrows furrowing dangerously. The silence between them drags on for a long time, neither of them wanting to admit defeat. Both of them have always been stubborn.
Soon, Kaidan gives a small shake of his head, as if he is fed up or maybe disappointed that Shepard isn’t the first one to break. “Well… sorry I overstepped, Commander .” He leaves then, turning on his heels and exiting the room with a straight back and stiff strides.
Shepard sighs and carefully sits down on the edge of his bed, one hand holding onto his side where his broken ribs are. He probably shouldn’t have said that to Kaidan, especially not to him and especially not when all Kaidan was trying to do was keep him safe. He can’t blame Kaidan for that. Still, it would probably be best to let the biotic cool off some before confronting him.
Shepard begins busying himself with going over mission reports, filling one out for their latest mission in which he got injured on, and trying to nurse his aching ribs. Eventually, he gets impatient, however, and he can’t help but go searching for Kaidan once the last report is filed away. He doesn’t like Kaidan being mad at him, never has, and he doesn’t want another argument to last as long as the Horizon one did ever again.
He finds Kaidan in the Mess Hall with Liara, Garrus, Tali, and James. They are all eating, James laughing loudly about something. Shepard doesn’t even bother greeting the others and instead strides up to Kaidan. “Kaidan.”
Kaidan doesn’t even look his way. “Something you need, Commander?”
So, he’s definitely still angry. “Can we talk?”
“I don’t know, is this about work?” He finally looks up at Shepard, eyes hard and unreadable. “Anything else would be inappropriate for a Commander and a subordinate to talk about.”
Shepard winces at Kaidan calling himself a subordinate since he really isn’t anymore. Shepard eyes Liara, Garrus, Tali, and James, all of whom have fallen silent and are watching closely. Well, if Kaidan wants to play that game, then fine. “Starboard. Now.” He walks away before Kaidan can respond to him but Shepard doesn’t miss the audible sigh the biotic lets out.
Kaidan follows him into the Starboard Lounge quietly, not even speaking when the door shuts behind them. Shepard turns to face Kaidan, surprised to see just how defeated the man looks. He crosses his arms, allowing the silence to drag out between him and Kaidan until Shepard thinks it’s been long enough.
“Are you done being passive aggressive?” he asks, because he really doesn’t want to do this if all Kaidan is going to be is stubborn.
Kaidan sighs again and his shoulders relax. He takes a step forward and doesn’t stop until he is walking past Shepard and to the window. “I’m sorry, Shepard, it’s just… what you said…”
Shepard bites his lip and joins him at the window. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know,” Kaidan says. He’s still looking out the window, not meeting Shepard’s eyes. “It made me feel like that though.”
“I’m sorry.” Kaidan glances at him, maybe trying to gauge whether Shepard actually means the apology or maybe it’s as simple as the biotic coming around. “Look, I know what I did on that mission was reckless and I know it scared you-”
“You don’t get it,” Kaidan interrupts, turning back towards the window.
“Then make me get it, Kaidan, because I don’t know what you want me to say here.”
Kaidan shakes his head, bowing it to now look at the floor, and for a second, Shepard is afraid he won’t and they’ll be back to square one. Then Kaidan takes a deep breath, to steady himself Shepard supposes, and starts talking quietly as if he doesn’t actually want to think about what he’s about to say. “It was terrible the first time you… when you died, Shepard. Everyone was… we all grieved for you, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves except sit there on a frozen planet waiting for rescue.”
“I thought you found out after you all got rescued,” Shepard says, confused.
Kaidan shakes his head again. “No. Joker, he…” Kaidan sighs, the memory obviously painful to think about. “He told us what happened through the comms. It wasn’t that hard to guess what happened next.”
“I didn’t know.”
“That’s the thing, Shepard.” Kaidan now turns, full body and looks into Shepard’s eyes. “You don’t know. You don’t know what it was like for the crew, for Joker, for me. I-” He swallows, takes a breath. “I loved you, even back then, and I know we weren’t together then and you didn’t know how I felt, but you dying, Shepard… I wasn’t joking when I said back on Horizon that it felt like losing a limb. It tore me up, I couldn’t do my job properly for months , and then when Hackett finally let me back on duty, it was just like going through the motions. It took me a long time to get past that and I can’t… I can’t do that again, Shepard. I can’t lose you again, especially now that we are together.” Kaidan takes a deep breath, realizing just now how much he actually said. “I don’t think I’d be able to survive it this time, Shepard, so… yeah, you taking unnecessary risks is going to worry me and piss me off. I’m sorry, that’s just… that’s just who I am now.”
Shepard moves, feels the ache in his ribs, and sighs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I can’t guarantee I’ll get out of every mission unscathed, though, Kaidan, you know that.”
“I know, I’m not naive, I’ve been doing this almost as long as you have but… if there’s an alternative, a safer , more practical alternative, then I don’t see a reason to not try that first,” Kaidan states, turning back to the window.
Shepard watches him, the frown that is set on his face, the grey hair that has started showing up at his temples, the new wrinkles that weren’t there when Shepard had died the first time. He reaches out, runs his fingers through that black hair, feeling how soft it is, and pulls Kaidan’s head towards him just in time for Kaidan to eye him suspiciously. Shepard kisses him, just above the temple and then rests his own forehead there
“I’ll try to listen to you more.”
“That’s not what I-”
“I know what you meant but… your idea on the last mission was a good one and I should have listened.” Shepard pulls back to make eye contact with Kaidan. He gives the biotic a small, reassuring smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t.”
Kaidan doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t have to. It’s all written in his eyes; how terrified he is, how much he worries, and just how much he loves Shepard. Kaidan steps closer, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s middle carefully, making sure not to squeeze. He then rests his chin on Shepard’s shoulder, holding him, and Shepard mimics the stance, holding Kaidan back.
Shepard doesn’t know how long they stay there, just hugging each other, but he doesn’t mind. As long as he and Kaidan are okay and the biotic is back in his arm, nothing else matters.