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Kaidan finds Shepard in the Starboard Lounge, pacing and waiting for him. His face is scrunched in worry or pain, Kaidan isn’t sure because he’s never seen that look on Shepard before. The pacing looks agitated, as if Shepard is wound up tighter than a spring that’s just about ready to let loose.
He approaches the Commander slowly, holding a hand out but not sure if he should actually touch him. “Shepard?”
Shepard stops and turns to face him. His eyes are wide and panicked and he gestures towards his chest. “I can’t… I can’t breathe.”
Kaidan takes a step closer, grabs his hands to try and steady him. “Okay.”
“I can’t breathe, Kaidan,” Shepard says, shaking his head.
Kaidan can feel Shepard shaking within his grasp, uncontrollable and violent. “Okay, just try to take deep breaths, okay?”
“Can’t.” Tears are forming in Shepard’s eyes now and his breaths are coming in shallow gasps. He pulls away from Kaidan to wipe at his eyes, no doubt feeling embarrassed since he’s the Commander. This shouldn’t be happening to him.
“Shepard, I think you’re having a panic attack,” Kaidan supplies, pulling Shepard’s hands away from his face. “You need to take deep breaths.”
Shepard squeezes his eyes shut and his entire face scrunches as he lets out a small, quiet sob. Kaidan guides him towards the couch and sits him down so he’s not burning holes in the floor with his pacing anymore. Then he asks EDI to lock the door, kneeling in front of Shepard. The last thing Shepard needs is someone to walk in on him when he’s in this kind of state.
“Hey, look at me.” Shepard as he’s told, still breathing erratically and shaking. “Now breathe with me. Keep in time with me,” he says, taking a deep breath.
Shepard follows along immaculately, ever the perfect rule follower, and soon his breathing has calmed down to breaths that are only interrupted with the occasional stutter from crying. Kaidan eyes him, looks him over, and notices how tired he is. Any panic attack would wipe someone out but Shepard’s exhaustion is more than that. He’s war weary, stressed to the max, and isn’t sleeping well. He’s reached his limit and Kaidan frowns at this fact.
“How did you know to do that?” Shepard asks before Kaidan can speak about anything else.
He reaches up and wipes away Shepard’s tears, giving him a reassuring smile. He’ll forever be grateful that Shepard trusts him enough to see him like this. “Believe it or not, a lot of the kids at BAaT would have panic attacks. You learn how to recognize them.”
“Did you ever have any?”
He didn’t but he’s positive that’s not what Shepard needs to hear right now. “Yeah,” he lies. “A couple times when things got too overwhelming.” Kaidan shrugs. “Helped a few other people through them too.”
“Like Rahna?”
Kaidan nods. “Yeah, like her. Some others too.”
Shepard reaches out then, cups Kaidan’s cheek and gives him a weak smile. “Thanks… and thanks for locking the door.”
“You know, Shepard, it’s not something you should be embarrassed about. You’re under a lot of pressure. Anyone would have a hard time with it.”
Shepard shakes his head, diverting his eyes. “I’m Commander Shepard, Kaidan. I’m not supposed to be weak.”
“Having a panic attack doesn’t mean you’re weak,” Kaidan explains, rising up off the floor to sit next to Shepard on the couch. “It just means you’re human.”
“A human that’s supposed to save the galaxy, Kaidan.”
“And?” Kaidan shrugs, reaches up and runs his fingers through Shepard’s hair. “Doesn’t make you less human.”
Shepard watches him, searching Kaidan’s eyes. For what, Kaidan isn’t sure but he finds what he’s looking for eventually and smiles at Kaidan, leaning in to kiss him on the lips. “Thank you for the help, Kaidan.” He gets up then, wipes at his face, and clears his throat, rolling his shoulders.
“Shepard,” Kaidan reaches out, grabs Shepard’s wrist before he can walk away. “Please don’t close off on me.”
“I’m not, it’s just…” he sighs, heavily. “It’s time to get back to work.”
“You don’t have to. Not right now.”
Shepard’s smile is small and sad, wishful even. “You know I have to. The Reapers certainly aren’t going to wait for me to get my head on straight.”
Kaidan doesn’t say anything more, doesn’t know what to say, really, and watches with a heavy heart as Shepard turns, asks EDI to unlock the door, and walks away.