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“I mean seriously, you snatched a teenager, what were you expecting?”, Danny tilts his head around from his spot on the backseat of some kind of SUV. What kind of SUV? He really doesn’t give a fuck and honestly can’t tell anyways, all he knows is this seat smelled vaguely like peanut butter. He can see how someone weird enough to be into smearing peanut butter on their car seats might be into some light kidnapping, but chances are one of these fuckers just had a messy kid or some shit.
“Shut up, kid”.
Danny quirks an eyebrow even if neither of them are looking at him, “why should I?”. Scruffy hair on the right turns back to look at him and grunts, “because we’ll stuff a gag on you otherwise”.
“Kinky”.
Scruffy hair scowls at him, unbuckles his seat belt. With Danny commenting, “ooooo playing it dangerous are we? Dontcha know seatbelts save lives?”. The guy doesn’t respond, instead Scruffy actually leans over the console to slap a chunk of duct tape over Danny’s mouth. Danny, meanwhile, smirks and waits for the guy to turn back around; promptly moving his lips and using his sharp as shit teeth to naw on and effectively eat the tape.
Danny makes a point to swallow as noisily as possible, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “wElL tHaT wAs EfFeCtIvE”. Actually managing to startle both guys, the car swerving some and scruffy hair snapping his head back on Danny, “how the fuck”. Internally, Danny swells with pride; there truly was nothing like making some dude question reality.
“I’m a lowkey duck tape taste tester”.
Mr. Driver finally talks to Danny for the first goddamn time, “that is not a real thing”. Danny rolls his eyes, “no fucking shit, dummy”. The guy hits the brakes hard enough that Danny slides forwards, smacks his face on the back of the front seat, and falls onto the floor. “Meanie”. The guy doesn’t stop driving altogether so Danny knows that was absolutely intentional. Fucker.
Scruffy sighs, whispering though Danny can totally hear him from his spot on the floor. Hooray for ghost ears! “Why did we have to get the kid with basically zero sense of self-preservation again?”. The other guy grunt whispering right back, “because he’s seemingly the only one the mark cares about”.
Danny snorts to himself, knowing damn well who these two numbnuts are talking about. Vlad. Really it was the only option and the guy wasn’t fucking wrong, Danny and his mom were the only people besides himself and occasionally Valerie that Vlad cared about. And going after his mom was honestly just asking to get shot, ditto with Valerie. So that left Danny’s ass. Not that he was actually stuck here or anything, he could just phase right through dick-for-brains car floor. But that would be boring, and Danny doesn’t do boring unless boring’s the only option... or at least the only option that won’t end in serious injury or the death of someone who’s not already dead/dead-ish.
But what to do... what to do. Other than mess with the guys’ verbally anyways.
Shrugging, Danny wiggles around till he gets himself on his back, sits up -which is way harder to do with bound arms and legs than you’d think-, and leans forward to smack his face into the console. Biting the leather -leaving some very impressive teeth marks if he says so himself- and squirming to get his chest up on it, flipping onto his back, yanking his feet up against the passengers seat then spinning around forward, and sitting upright on the console; finishing off the whole stunt with a satisfied huff.
Both douche-canoes are staring at him like he’s insane, driver guy damn near driving into a light post due to his lack of paying attention to where he’s fucking driving. Danny snickering, “watch where you’re going, unless you wanna kill little ol’ me? But I doubt ‘the mark’ would be too content to pay for a corpse. It’s death and taxes, not the dead pay your taxes”.
Scruffy Mc. Dick snapping, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”. Danny snickers and sneers, “let me guess, normal people try to get as far away from your ugly mug when you get all abduction happy?”. Scruffy scowls at him and goes to attempt to shove him backwards. Danny just leans all the way back to make the guy miss, “missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me”. Then swiftly sitting back up while kneeing the guy in the chin, “or more specifically my knees are gonna kiss you”, and cackles.
The driver starts attempting to shove him back too and Scruff actually pulls out a fucking gun. So these guy are capable of being marginally close to a vague threat, neat. It’s just a handgun though so minus ten points, “is that it? Really? Maybe pack some bigger heat next time bud, I’m too chill to meltdown from that weak sauce”.
The guy opens his mouth, possibly to gape or possibly to respond. But everyone pauses and watches as Vlad drives by in some stupid expensive sports car, locking eyes with Danny and quirking a well-groomed eyebrow as he goes by. Danny blinks, “huh”, then grinning and speaking singsong at the men, “🎵busted🎵”.
The driver gives a very elegant, “fuck”, but doesn’t stop driving. While Scruffy basically hits Danny in the face with the muzzle of his gun, pressing it hard against his forehead, “get the fuck back there you little brat”.
Danny pouts at him, “hey, I might be fun-sized but I’m not that small”.
“Get. Back. There”.
Danny hums and tilts his head around like he might actually be considering following that request, the gun following the motions, “hmmmmmm. No. I’m comfy right where I am”. Then both him and Scruffy glance to Danny’s pocket at his phone going off with Vlad’s ‘do the creep’ followed by a sudden and very loud ‘CASH MONEY!’ ring tone. Unsurprisingly Mr. Scruff And Handsy nearly tears off Danny’s pocket just to get at the cellular device.
But surprise! Danny can still hear Vlad on the other end anyway! Hooray again for ghost ears!
“Daniel, what are you doing”. Oh he sounds so unimpressed with him; which is honestly only another reason for Danny to feel quite proud of himself today. Truly.
Scruffy scowls, “his well-being ain’t your concern, we’ll tell you were to send the money, old man”. Danny cackles loudly, “oh burn! He called you old”. Driver dude mutters, “there’s something seriously wrong with this kid”; which really just encourages Danny to give him the most ridiculous and slightly mean smile he can possibly muster. The same one he gave Vlad while intentionally destroying his shit while staring at him intently like a cat. Danny thinks he’s gotten better at doing that than Vlad’s own actual cat.
Vlad sighs, “Daniel, I’m not that old. Are you enjoying yourself?”. Scruffy looks so offended at being blown off. Ha! Suck it!
Danny hums, “yup! I almost got to eat a bullet!”. Little do these idiots know that Danny could and would very literally do that. Scruffy just stares dumbfounded and driver man glares forward while starting to look progressively more nervous.
“Why I’m almost jealous. I’m to guess you do not need any bail-out money, so have fun”.
Scruffy scowls deeply, “what, no”, scowls even deeper, and has apparently had enough of Danny’s shit now that it was effectively costing him money and promptly shoots him in the gut. Sending Danny falling back into the seat, “ow! You shot me”. Scruffy snarls, “shut up”. Danny totally ignores him.
“Here I thought you wanted to get shot, my boy”.
Danny makes his tone sound as annoyed and inconvenienced as possible, “but in the gut? The head would have been so much cooler! Also, so totally still not your boy”, smirking, “but hey, at least the guy finally pulled out and unloaded something since there’s no way anyone’s been sleeping with his ugly mug”. Vlad audibly chokes over the line; Scruffy jabs Danny on his still up on the console legs with the butt of his gun and pelts him in the face with Danny’s phone. Said phone clattering noisily onto the floor somewhat near Danny’s face.
Danny just rolls his eyes and keeps on smirking, “I mean, Vladdie? You’d be more likely to hook up with my dad than this guy would be to hook up with literally anyone ever”.
“If you ever say that to me again I will run you over and force-fed you your own guts after they spill out”.
Danny simply snickers, “well your tires would probably leave a better impression on me than you ever have on my mom”. Danny squirms and pushes himself up and looks at Scruffy, “hey yo, how likely would you be to go out with a rich loner who’s obsessed with a minor and is, like, super into being crazy. Wait never mind, you probably would since you probably have the standards of a frozen basic-bitch cheesecake that’s already got fucking freezer burn”.
Driver assclown snarls, “that’s it”, and slams on the breaks; smacking Danny forward. But they seemingly get rear-ended immediately, sending Danny flipping over and flying forward, crashing halfway through the windshield feet first. Danny glancing back out the back window shows it’s an annoyed but also bored-looking Vlad.
“How great of an impression did that windshield leave, Daniel”.
Danny snorting, “a very pointed one. Love it”. Honestly, the abductor morons look more startled that Danny feels. Danny glancing between them, “you guys having a good time? I’m having a good time”. Vlad’s engine revs as he backs up and drives up next to the driver side of the abductors' car, rolling down his passenger side window and leaning over, “you’re welcome to try and keep him. He’ll probably do more mental damage to you than I ever could”, and drives off. Danny shouting after, “it’s a very useful skill! Case and point! Your ass driving away from me like a total pussy wet bitch!”.
Vlad shouting back, “do you even know what that means!?!”.
“NO!”. Danny looking back to the quick-cash-dumbasses, who look at him like he’s crazy again but don’t get to say anything as another -definitely not a car- vehicle engine approaches and stops next to them.
Danny looking sideways to the motorcycle and Johnny, who quirks an eyebrow at him, “you okay, kid”. Danny snorts, gesturing with a now unbound arm due to the windshield cutting the binding the fuck up, “yeah, these guys were just trying to abduct me for some fast cash. But really? I just think we’ve bonded”. Johnny cackles and looks to the dick-knuckles, “you guys are dumbasses. That kid is the worst person to go messing with”. Danny pouts at him, “awww, I’m not being mean. Even if they did shoot me in the gut for funsies”, Danny hums, “hey, since you’re here, wanna go get me some chicken Mcnuggets?”. Johnny scowls at him, “you are a real bastard”, and drives off.
Neither of the abductors say jack fuck all and Johnny comes back in barely five minutes, driving up to the window and passing Danny his nuggets by phasing his hand and arm through the driver window and driver dude’s head. Both Danny and Johnny snicker at the guy jerking. Johnny walks back to his bike and drives off with a two-finger wave, “go wild you weird little shit”.
Danny munches on the nuggets, still stuck in the windshield, all the while the dumbasses stare at him, “I love my fucking town”. That comment seems to snap them out of their shock, driver dick-knuckle shoving open his door and booking it, Scruffy Mc Turd For Brains scrambling over the console to follow right after.
Danny cackles, stretches his legs to tear apart the bindings there and pushes himself around to sit up, chunks of the windshield coming out with him, some even stuck in him... and there’s still the bullet wound. Him sitting crosslegged on the car hood, eating his epic fun-shaped nuggets with a huge ass grin on his face. Said grin really only getting wider when the guys look back at him and run a little faster.
Get fucked, assholes.
End.