Work Text:
III
“Sweetheart, we are going camping for 3 days, I already cleared your schedule,” Wei Wuxian tells his boyfriend after dinner at Wei Wuxian’s apartment balcony that night.
Lan Wangji looks at him like he just hung the moon.
“It will be romantic. "Just us and nature," he says, his words cut short by a breathless kiss.
“... and 100 kids, and Jiang Cheng, and Wen Ning, and a bunch of Stygian Hologram engineers….”
“Romantic?” Lan Wangji demands. He crosses his arms over his chest.
“This is part of our “give back to the community” service and “holiday program” for our exhausted engineers. Up until the new product launch, they were swamped. Now is the marketing phase, so they are pretty free.”
“I am not talking about your engineers.”
“So?”
“Romantic?”
“Ahhh, we will be roommates! Imagine alone in a shack, surrounded by nature, just the two of us for 3 days,” he says, leaning in again for another kiss.
Lan Wangji takes his cup of tea and leans back on the chair instead. “Please explain, Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian’s trick fails. Lan Wangji is not that easy to deceive, even when the tricker is his beloved. “Okay, okay, we will be together alone in a shack, I did not lie about it. Only this program is a mentoring program for kids aged 6 to 17, and somehow, during the dice toss, I got to be in charge of 6 year olds. That is why I recruited you. I am telling you, Jiang Cheng and Wen Ning did not complain because apparently they also don't believe me handling little kids either.”
“And?”
“We will have to come up with a curriculum on how to entertain 6 year olds most of the time, and we also need to prepare in case they miss their parents or if they refuse to eat, according to Jiejie. Also, since you are in, you will be in charge of morning training. Jiang Cheng would be in charge of evening training because he is not a morning person.”
“I am in charge of morning training?” Lan Wangji raises an eyebrow.
“Well, it was supposed to be me, ahahahahahaa… But you know how I am in the morning….”
"Do you want me in because you need me or because you want me?"
Shit. Tricky question. He takes a peek at Lan Wangji who is patiently waiting for his answer while sipping his tea.
"A bit of both. See, I am afraid of doing this alone. I need you there with me. If you can't, then I will ask somebody else… but I really want it to be you."
Lan Wangji's eyes flash. He puts his tea down and cups his boyfriend’s face so his attention is focused on him. "You are never taking anybody with you to a shack in the woods surrounded by nature. Unless it is me. Understand?"
Hah! He is still tricked. I am brilliant.
"Of course, Sweetheart," he grins.
"And don't think you will get away with threatening me to accompany you on this trip."
"Oh, do I need to be punished?" He bats his eyelashes.
"Mn," Lan Wangji grabs his wrist and starts walking back to the bedroom in long strides, pulling Wei Wuxian along.
I am that brilliant , Wei Wuxian beams.
***
Day 1:
There are a hundred children in Stygian Hologram’s parking lot. Loud doesn’t describe it. Until Jiang Cheng gets a hold of a mic and screams. “Quiet!!!!!!”
It goes quiet in a second.
“Ok, listen carefully. If you start making noise, you will be dismissed from this program. We only cater to 100 children. There are children on the waiting list who will love to ride on the bus the minute a space opens up,” he shouts. He then gives the microphone to Wen Ning.
“Good morning, everybody. I am Wen Ning, your camp leader. We are here to have fun and learn coding! Isn’t it fun, future engineers?”
Nobody answers. They are too afraid of Jiang Cheng.
“Anyway, we are going to divide you into groups of four based on your age. There will be 25 groups, and each group will have one mentor, except for the youngest group, which will have two mentors. I will be leading and organizing the event with my team. The security of this camp will be handled by Lotus Security. Now, we will start dividing the group. We will start from the eldest to the youngest. This will not be repeated, so listen carefully. Group 1:
As their names are called, the children get into smaller groups, led by their group mentors. Until Wen Ning calls the last group, “Group 25: Jin Ling, Lan Jingyi, Wen Yuan and Ouyang Zizhen will be mentored by Wei Wuxian and Prince Lan Wangji.”
To think that these kids are only 6 years old, no parents were there to accompany them, and these kids really behave. Granted, Jin Ling is afraid of Jiang Cheng who with just one glare can immobilize him. However, Lan Jingyi, Wen Yuan and Ouyang Zizhen are quiet for their ages.
“Wow, we got good kids, Lan Zhan! These kids behave well!”
“Lan Jingyi is my third cousin. He is quiet because his mom puts the fear of me in him. I heard her once.”
“Really? Jingyi, what did your mom tell you about the Prince?” Wei Wuxian is curious.
Lan Jingyi bites his lips tight. He doesn't want to say a thing.
“I won't be able to persuade him to be nice to you if I don't know what you fear him for,” Wei Wuxian coaxes.
“Mom said he can freeze you with his glare. He glared at me once when I ran at the castle.”
“But you weren't frozen, right?”
Lan Jingyi shakes his head. “He stopped before that happened and punished me instead.”
“Anyone who runs into the castle during the dinner gala is punished. You did not get dessert. I think that was a kind punishment,” Lan Wangji actually defends himself.
Wei Wuxian giggles. These two are adorable. “So, Jingyi is afraid of Lan Zhan, Jin Ling is afraid of Jiang Cheng. Wen Yuan? Zizhen? Are you afraid of any of us?”
Zizhen stutters, "Mr. W..Wei… a..are y..you an..a.. alien?"
Wei Wuxian laughs, "Little Zizhen… we'll see about that soon," he pokes at Zizhen's nose. He shivers and whispers to Jingyi, “Is my nose blue?”
Lan Jingyi shakes his head minutely.
“I am Yuan, Uncle Ning and Aunt Qing's nephew. They told me good stories about you," Wen Yuan smiles. Wei Wuxian thinks this boy is the cutest, best-behaved 6 year old he's ever seen. Like a mini Lan Zhan.
"Anyway, A-Ling, aren't you like 3?"
"I am 3.5, Uncle Xian!"
"Don't you have to drink milk or something? Do I need to change your diapers? Jiang Cheng! Why is A-Ling here? 3 year olds cannot learn coding!"
Jiang Cheng approaches them and says, "Jiejie and Peacock are going on their fourth honeymoon. We are babysitting," Jiang Cheng explains.
"Sister privilege!" Wei Wuxian says when he sees Lan Wangji frown.
"Ok, now listen. You will go by Lan Wangji's car and secret service. The bus is full, so we cannot bring secret services with us. You will take these kids because you are their mentors. Oh, one more thing. They will sleep with you. A Ning rents the biggest shack with two bedrooms for you."
"What???? I thought I was sleeping with Lan Zhan only?" he gasps.
"That's before your luck betrayed you and you gained your mentorship with these babies," Jiang Cheng chuckles. He appears very happy with the tortures he's just given them.
Lan Wangji gets paler by the second.
But it is Wei Wuxian that falls to the ground. Almost. Lan Wangji catches him before he hits the ground.
"You'll be okay," Jiang Cheng calms him down, "You got Lan Wangji."
***
The car ride is okay, for the first few minutes. They take the Alphard. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji sit in the middle seat, and the kids are all at the back.
“Let’s hold hands to prevent the kids from falling forward when the car does emergency stops,” Wei Wuxian asks Lan Wangji who automatically offers his hand.
“We can do this!”
Lan Wangji nods.
“Let’s sing!” Wei Wuxian compels the boys. “Baa Baa Black Sheep!”
Lan Wangji manages a confused look while the boys are looking at him like he is crazy. “That’s for babies!” Jingyi scowls.
“You are babies. A-Ling still sings that.”
Jin Ling scowls, too. He wants to look cool in front of his campmates, and Uncle Xian just ruined it.
“What then? Twinkle twinkle?” Wei Wuxian takes out his phone to google songs for 5-year-olds.
“Happy by Pharrell Williams,” instructs Zizhen.
“Good idea,” Wei Wuxian agrees.
In a minute, the car is loud with their off-tune singing. Wei Wuxian loves it, although he thinks that Lan Wangji is a bit dizzy because of the missed notes.
“Can we learn to sing properly? Repeat after me. Do.. do… Zizhen, it's do,” Lan Wangji jumps at the opportunity to teach them once the song ends.
This is fun, Wei Wuxian thinks when Lan Wangji asks to stop the car and moves to the back with the kids, switching places with A-Yuan because he is deemed the only one who can sing by Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian makes sure the seat belt on A-Yuan is secure and enjoys Lan Wangji’s beautiful voice and stern teaching.
By the time they arrive at the campsite, it is already lunchtime.
And the kids can finally sing in tune.
But it is a different story with lunch time.
It takes them two hours to finish lunch. Wei Wuxian is about to cry to see the cold food that Lan Wangji gets back and forth to the kitchen to be reheated. He doesn't understand how chewing can be a job and how painful it is to be involved in lunch time with these kids.
“Lan Zhan, they eat three times a day!” he implores in horror. “That is 6 hours a day! A quarter day spent on eating alone!”
Lan Wangji looks aghast as well.
“Lan Zhan, they sleep for 10 hours, which is 9 hours at night and an hour nap. Therefore, they are only active for six hours a day. We have to do something, Lan Zhan! They can be obese!”
“We will have to remedy that.”
“But now it is time for their nap. Let’s go to our shack now!”
Their shack is in the deepest part of the woods, and there are two bedrooms with a Super King bed in each. The boys are pretty tired for the trip to the shack and easily fall asleep.
“Planning time, Lan Zhan. Once they wake up at 15:00, we will start the coding exercise. That will end at 16:00, and then we will teach them how to climb trees? Y/N?”
“I don't know how to climb trees, Wei Ying.”
“Let’s just run around the woods then, so they don't get fat.”
“Sounds good.”
“At 17:00, it is a mandatory evening exercise with Jiang Cheng. At 18:00, shower time. I believe they would know how to clean themselves?”
“I am sure of that. I think it is a prerequisite that the kids in this camp should be able to shower, poop, and eat by themselves. I saw the form.”
“Nice. So 19:00 is dinner until 21:00? Then is it their bedtime again? Wow, their life stinks!”
“Let’s just get through the day and see what we can change tomorrow.”
According to Lan Wangji, none of the remaining tasks from the first day were done correctly. The boys were still smelly after they took a shower, their food was taken away by 21:00 because it was already too gross; and their sleeping time was delayed for 30 minutes because they just could not fall asleep.
But the day is over anyway and they don’t want to regret their first day. Tomorrow, they will make sure the boys follow Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian military coding camp. It will be hell for them.
Day 2:
6:00 Exercise with Lan Wangji - perfectly done. These kids are still too sleepy, but soon they are super energetic. They even win a game against the older kids. Both mentors beam with pride.
7:00 Shower - also done. Lan Wangji has to come in to do a mass shower, step by step. But they end up smelling great.
8:00 Breakfast - one hour rule. It works like a charm.
9:00 Coding with Wei Wuxian - they do a Mission Coding outdoors, teaching the boys how to reach a goal by removing obstacles. Wei Wuxian came up with this indigenous idea.
“OK, here is how the game goes. I’d be a bad guy, and you kids have to save Wangji Gege. Here, Lan Zhan, you stand here,” Wei Wuxian moves Lan Wangji by the shoulder to the center.
“What kind of bad guy?” Jingyi asks.
“Can you be a witch?” Zizhen asks. “We are in the woods, and like Hanzel and Gretel, the bad guy is a witch who wants to give us sweets,” Zizhen explains.
“No more sweet,” Lan Wangji frowns.
“What do we get when we save you, Wangji Gege?” asks A-Ling.
“What do you want?” Wei Wuxian grins.
“Can Wangji Gege throw us in the air and catch us?” A-Yuan hopes. “My father used to do that, but he said I am too big now. But Wangji Gege has big arms.”
Wei Wuxian laughs at that. “He has the strongest arms,” he says, squeezing those big arms. Lan Wangji’s ears redden.
After he finishes laughing, he explains the mission coding rule. Each kid will start on one of the four corners. They have to reach Lan Wangji to complete the mission. Wei Wuxian ‘The Witch’ however, will roam around. They can only do three steps during each move, whether it is forward, backward, sideward left and right or when the witch is in front of them, the kid can use an 'attack move’ as well. Because A-Ling is small, they all agree to give him 4 steps. A-Yuan manages to win the game and gets thrown high in the air. "Wangji Gege, fly me to the moon!" he laughs with all his might. That laugh pulls a string in Wei Wuxian's heart.
The day is spent with so much laughter and a few little fights among the kids. But overall, the kids love the game, especially when Wei Wuxian explains that they will be making a program of this game on their laptop later on.
11:00 Free Time - but they watch YouTube (hey, the mentors need a break!)
12:00 Lunch Time - again with the one hour rule. It works for all except for Jin Ling. Wei Wuxian ends up feeding him rice and chocolate to make him eat faster. It is gross, but it works! Bribery is an effective method to make A-Ling chew faster.
13:00 Coding Time by laptop (except for Jin Ling because he cannot read yet, so Lan Wangji has to help him). The boys learn simple programming (except for Jin Ling. What is a 3.5 year old doing in a coding camp again? )
14:00 Nap Time (for the kids) and Snuggle Time (for the mentors. They learn how to keep their voices down.)
15:00 Playing Mission Coding again - this time Lan Wangji teaches them how to use fencing branches, which they can use to attack the witch.
17:00 Exercise with Jiang Cheng
18:00 Shower by themselves. This time it works. (Jin Ling cannot reach his back but Zizhen helps him.)
19:00 Dinner with One Hour Rule.
20:00 Free Time (30 mins of Horsie on Wei Wuxian and 30 minutes of playing ball with Lan Wangji)
21:00 Bed Time Story and Sleep.
“We did well!!!!” Wei Wuxian is happy.
“Mn.”
“What now?”
“Snuggle Time.”
“I agree.. I deserve the reward!”
Around 2 am, there is a knock on their bedroom door. Wei Wuxian immediately jumps from the bed and runs to open the door, worried about the kids.
It is A-Yuan. “Can I sleep with you? It’s dark in my room,” he asks, a bit afraid that he would be rejected.
Lan Wangji opens his arms from the bed, and A-Yuan runs to him. There is a small smile on his lips, and once he reaches the bed, he falls asleep.
“You are weak with kids. So much for the icy glare!” Wei Wuxian teases.
Lan Wangji pretends he doesn’t hear him. Wei Wuxian returns to bed but leaves the door open.
Jin Ling comes next, with no sound, just sleepwalks to their bed and jumps on Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian, who is almost asleep, is surprised but finds it adorable. He lets Jin Ling sleep on top of him.
Zizhen is next. He cries, “I thought my friends were taken by the alien. I was going to ask you to save them.”
“I thought I was the alien,” Wei Wuxian grunts, but moves himself and Jin Ling to give space to Zizhen.
“You are the good alien, Xian Gege,” he says before falling asleep at Wei Wuxian's foot. “You will fight them and win. I am safe with you.”
Wei Wuxian is touched by this kid’s trust. He starts to enjoy this mentoring thing.
Lan Wangji gets up from the bed. “Where are you going?”
“Taking Jingyi,” he answers. Wei Wuxian scoffs at that. In less than a minute, he holds a sleeping Jingyi and puts him in the middle of their bed. He leans in to kiss Wei Wuxian’s forehead across all children, “Goodnight, Wei Ying.”
“Goodnight, Lan Zhan.”
***
Day 3
The next morning, Wei Wuxian is sore. Try sleeping with a boy on top of you and one laying on your feet. Wei Wuxian cannot move the whole night. The kids really don’t show any discomfort; in fact, they are happy to sleep with them.
“I want our own later,” Lan Wangji whispers in Wei Wuxian’s ears.
Wei Wuxian almost burst with happiness. “You can have as many as you want, we are good at this, Lan Zhan. “
Tonight is the last night for them, and Wen Ning already scheduled a talent show at the firecamp. Parents will be joining them and will take their kids into their care that night.
“OK, so our group will be making a short play on 'How to Catch A Witch' based on our game."
“Xian Gege has a very scary laugh, you've got to show it in our play,” Jingyi says.
“Of course! I already trained as the best witch!” Wei Wuxian exclaims, followed by his evil witch laugh.
“We must save Wangji Gege. But we need to add suspense… ah.. Wangji Gege is cursed by the witch!” A-Yuan exclamates.
“What curse do I get?” Lan Wangji asks.
“I know, I know. Wangji Gege will see the witch as beautiful even though he has a crooked nose, pointy ears, and green skin!” Zizhen improvises.
“I can do that,” Lan Wangji smiles. “I am already cursed.”
Wei Wuxian nudges him lovingly.
“Then we all can be superheroes that save Wangji Gege. I will be the Red Ninja!” Zizhen claims.
“I am White Ninja!” Jingyi adds.
“I am Golden Ninja,” Jin Ling says.
“No, we cannot all be ninjas!” Jingyi frowns. “Only Zizhen and I can be ninjas!”
Jin Ling growls, “I am a NINJAAAAA!!!!” he starts to tear up.
“No!” Jingyi snarks.
“Hey, hey, hey… A-Ling, you can be a pirate. How about that?” Wei Wuxian tries to calm him down. "That will match your golden sword to fight the witch. Isn’t it cool?”
Jin Ling appears happy with that idea, he nods, swinging his wood branch. "I can say 'Rawr! Rawr!'."
“Then I’ll be an alien, Xian Gege!” A-Yuan declares, "Like you. So I can create good programs."
Wei Wuxian's heart blossoms when he hears that. He hugs little A-Yuan. "Thank you, A-Yuan. You are so kind."
"You are great, Xian Gege."
Lan Wangji has to pat Wei Wuxian's while he tries not to cry while kneeling and hugging A-Yuan. It takes a while, but he recovers. Now that everybody has a role, let's create the battle arena.”
While Lan Wangji prepares for the play with the children, Wei Wuxian is isolated. According to them, Wei Wuxian cannot join the planning; otherwise, he can guess what they will do to the villain and he can get away.
So he stays on the porch and drinks his coffee while listening to the screaming and laughter inside. It is a moment where he feels happy.
I will make them sing 'HAPPY' when we finish our play.
He is sipping his coffee when he sees an unknown figure going in his direction. He becomes alert. Why did the secret service let him in?
“Wei Wuxian, let me introduce myself. I am Su She from ‘Untold Truths’.”
That explains the behavior of the secret services. This guy works for the inner monarch. They are used to him.
“Ah, pleasure to meet you, Su She. I have been enjoying your articles a great deal. I think you do have a talent for making fairy tales.”
Su She glowers at him. “I am here to write about Prince Lan Wangji.”
“He is busy with the kids, wait here, and you can enter when they let you. I’d like to give you coffee, but even I am banned from entering the house.”
“Why?”
“They think I am a witch!” Go make an article from that!
Wei Wuxian sees Su She’s eyes flash. He will pursue that idea!
A few minutes later, Zizhen comes out, “Xian Gege! We are ready. Who is this guy?”
“An alien, not my kind,” Wei Wuxian winks.
This time he sees Zizhen eyes flare, “Wait here, Xian Gege. I will consult with Wangji Gege.”
The loud noises that he has been hearing suddenly die down. He chuckles. They are planning something.
“Why are you laughing? Weirdo!” Su She snaps.
“What do you have against me, Su She?” Wei Wuxian fishes.
“I don’t think you are good enough for Prince Lan Wangji!”
“I don’t think you can decide on that,” he gives him a condescending smile, emphasizing that Su She is a nobody.
That works, he rages, “You only have beauty, but you are evil. You only want power. His power!”
“Which part of a successful CEO of a unicorn company doesn't scream of power? I have my own power, thank you very much. I don’t need Lan Zhan’s power. I just need his body, his oh, delicious broad shoulder, six pack abs, muscled forearms…," he says, putting his nose in the air.
“You. Will. Regret. This!” Su She speaks like he is breathing fire after each word.
“Oh? How? What power do you have?”
“You!! Wait and…,” but Su She is cut by Lan Wangji who comes out from the shack.
“Wei Ying,” he calls, putting his hand around Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. “We are ready.”
“Your Highness,” Su She greets.
“Mn. Do I know you?”
Su She’s face becomes white within seconds. Wei Wuxian is also surprised at Lan Wangji’s reaction.
“We met. 5x before in the past 16 days alone!”
At that, Wei Wuxian laughs. Lan Wangji can remember him from their five meetings within 16 years, but he cannot remember this idiot who chased after him for years and has tried to get his attention five times in the last 16 days.
When he sees Wei Wuxian laugh, showing the part of his long neck that Lan Wangji so loves, he places his free hand on the inviting neck, thumbing it with care and ignoring Su She.
“Let me introduce myself again. My name is Su She, courtesy Minshan. I am your father, the King’s secretary.”
“Ah, forgive me. He has so many secretaries. I only remember Uncle Four." He diverts his gaze to Wei Wuxian, “Uncle Four is very reliable, although he is elderly. My uncle likes him so much that he wouldn’t let him retire.”
Wei Wuxian nods, hiding his smile.
“Ah, Su Minshan? Do you want to enter first? The kids are preparing for our play. Maybe you can give us feedback?” Lan Wangji offers.
Su She looks proud that Lan Wangji gives him that privilege. He enters the shack.
The children beat him up with a wooden spatula, a frying pan, a cutting board, and a soup spoon.
“I remember forbidding them to use the knife, Wei Ying. Aren’t you proud of me?” Lan Wangji beams at him, looking like a smug gremlin.
Wei Wuxian laughs again; he is so happy that he doesn’t mind them beating him up later on in their play (with tree branches) and is (almost) not bothered when the next morning he reads the newest hateful article about him in ‘Untold Truths’.
After all, Lan Wangji just used children to beat a guy who was mean to him. What else can he ask for?
***
Bonus:
The newest article of The ‘Untold Truths’.
Wei Wuxian is A Witch!
Children never lie. Wei Wuxian just spent a three day trip as a coding camp mentor for 3-6 year olds who claimed that he is a witch. These kids must have seen something. Maybe they saw his power at midnight when he forced them to sleep with him. Who knows? But clearly, they said that he agreed that he had cursed our beloved prince (and maybe the whole country), so he sees him as a beautiful, rich, and kind person when in fact he is not one.
This time, we had a chance to talk to Wei Wuxian himself, and we would have to agree that behind that facade, he is a rude, power-hungry, and boastful person. Please listen to our recording below if you don’t believe us. (insert Wei Wuxian’s statement about him being a powerful CEO)
Children are so pure, If the children are afraid of him and hate him enough to beat him up, who are we to doubt them? We will need to be very aware of his next move and protect our beloved prince. We would say that the prince may need an awakening. A true love’s kiss can break the evil witch’s spell.
“That stupid shithead!" Wei Wuxian is so furious that he rises up on the bed.
Lan Wangji draws him back to lie besides him on the bed. “I am a prince in the woods, protected by my enchanted witch, who dares kiss me except you?” he seductively murmurs.
“You agree that I am a witch?” Wei Wuxian chides him.
“I agree that you curse my heart to never love anybody else but you. So be responsible!" His boyfriend lifts his blanket to cover both of them. “And mark my oh delicious broad shoulder, six pack abs, muscled forearms…”
Lan Wangji doesn't finish his sentence. His mouth is occupied.
By a true love kiss. And many, many more true love hot kisses. At the broad shoulder, at the six-pack abs, at the muscled forearms.
Everywhere.