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“It’ll be fine.. Just… calm down!” Was the only thing going through Yosuke’s head in that moment, as he twiddles with his thumbs, pacing back and forth with a nervous hum. Alongside his nervous sweat, the summer sun feels hot against his back, despite the thin school shirt for the summer.
It wasn’t like he had never talked one on one with Kanji before.. It was just that he was here for a different reason this time. It was hard for him to even explain to himself.. Since, well...
It had been hard for him to drag himself out of the house that particular day, bitterness clouding his vision from the minute he woke up, since he had been planning this for a while now.
He was.. Confused.
Mostly about himself, and his feelings.. But he felt stuck. He couldn’t talk to his parents, since he knew they wouldn’t understand.. Nobody really would, except for Kanji.
You see, Kanji had been out to his friends for a while now, even if he wasn’t completely confident with this. He was the only person Yosuke knew that had ever spoken so.. Freely about it.
So he decided he needed to talk to him. But the problem was, he wasn’t close with Kanji. Infact, they were probably the opposite.. I mean, Yosuke was quite mean to the boy. It wasn’t on purpose, he just.. He didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how someone could be so.. Open! Open about things his family would disapprove of! Open about things everyone would judge him for, or even shun him for!
He was jealous.
And now, as he stands outside the textiles shop in town, he wonders if Kanji would even bother letting him in. But he pushes forward, since it wasn’t like he could chicken out now..
He takes a big breath of fresh air, holding it in as he slides the door open, greeting Kanji’s mother in the shop before asking if he could speak with Kanji. His mother nods in agreement, returning a smile. “He’s in his room, please feel free to go and see him.” She bows her head respectfully, and he does the same.
“Thank you!” Yosuke hops up onto the raised floor, taking off his shoes at the door and looking around the living area. He’d been inside of Kanji’s house before.. But not alone. He takes a few deep breaths, listening to the faint sound of a record playing, assuming it must be who he was looking for.
He decides to pay no mind to distractions, walking up the stairs and into the hallway, gleaming with sunlight. His feet shuffled along the wood, passing by a few doors until he reached the one he knew was Kanji’s.
He can hear the record crackling away inside the room, a tune he was sure he had heard before.. But he couldn’t quite figure it out.
Nonetheless, he calms his nerves and his pounding heart, lifting his hand and curling it into a loose fist. ‘Come on, don’t wuss out now..’ He chews at his bottom lip, gently placing two knocks against the bedroom door.
He could hear movement, the sound of someone getting up. “Yeah?” Kanji’s voice calls out as the door handle twists, and Yosuke’s heart stops. The door pulls open, and he is met with Kanji’s tall figure looking down at him with a confused, yet curious look on his face. They make eye contact, and Yosuke freezes in his place.
‘Hey, Kanji! I just wanted to talk to you!’ Was what he wanted to say.. He even practiced it in front of the mirror, everything.. Yet his mouth felt glued shut. All the words he wanted to say were stuck in the back of his throat, refusing to be coughed up.
“Uhm.. Do you need something, Senpai?” Kanji finally breaks the silence, and Yosuke snaps out of his frozen state.
“Er.. Yeah! I just-- Y’know--” Shit! He was panicking now! Get it together, man! He clears his throat awkwardly, itching at the back of his head. “...Can I come in?” He sighs, embarrassment overwhelming his senses.
“Now? Uh-- S-Sure.. Just..” Kanji’s eyebrows perk up with surprise, the door closing abruptly. He hears a lot of rustling and moving, the record player stopping as well. Yosuke looks around the hallway awkwardly, picking at the loose seams on his shirt.
After a few minutes the door reopens, and Kanji seems to be out of breath. “Come in!” He nods, opening the door a bit wider, stepping to his side to allow him room. Yosuke bows his head once more, walking into his bedroom.
He hadn’t actually been inside of his room before, but he knew damn well that things were different from when he answered the door. The bed was made in a rush, the table near the window completely cleared off, a box laying beside it with a blanket over top of it. The window was wide open, letting a soothing breeze into the room.
“Do you want something to drink, Senpai? Tea? Coffee? Uh- Soda?” Kanji asks eagerly, obviously caught off guard by his visit.
Yosuke takes a few more breaths to calm his nerves, sitting down on the floor around a smaller coffee table. “No, I’m good..” He taps a finger to the surface nervously, somehow more nervous than he was when he got here. “You don’t have to call me Senpai, you know.. Just call me Yosuke.” He clears his throat once more.
He doesn’t look up, but he can feel Kanji’s face light up. “For real?!” He exclaimed, sitting down across from Yosuke, his legs crossed. “Thanks, Senpa-- Er… Yosuke!” He stumbles slightly with his words, but Yosuke still smiles and nods.
Then, there’s another awkward silence. Neither of them say anything, but it feels so loud. Yosuke’s thoughts were eating away at him, second guessing why he was here. Was he crazy?!
Yeah, probably.
“I actually came here to talk to you about something..” Yosuke manages to speak clearly, feeling a lump stuck in his throat as he swallows hard. There’s a pause, more silence, some birds singing softly in the breeze, and then Kanji’s voice.
“What is it?” Kanji breathes out his answer quite hesitantly, and Yosuke could sense something in that tone… Not fear, but something similar..
Yosuke fidgets with his fingers, running his thumb along the palm of his hand. “Uh..” His words get stuck again, but he tries to get it back. “You.. - You like guys.. Right?” Yosuke stares down at his hands, confused and anxious to hear his reply.
“Huh?” Kanji stops for a minute, taking just a moment to process his question. “I guess..? Yeah, I like guys.” He eventually replied, easing Yosuke’s tension a little bit. What if Kanji made fun of him? I mean, he deserved it.. The amount of arguments the two got into because Yosuke had ridiculed him for his sexuality was way too much to count..
“How.. Err.. When did you start?” Yosuke asked.
“Liking dudes? When did I start?” Kanji tried to confirm, and Yosuke nodded quickly. “Uhm.. I don’t know, I think when I was a kid.. But I didn’t really understand what it meant.” Kanji shrugged as if it was nothing.
“How did you..” Yosuke ends up whispering, quickly realizing how quiet he was. “How did you know you liked them?” He mustered up the courage to ask.
“Oh, Hmm.. Well, It’s like having feelings for a chick, really.. I dunno, I would just wanna be with em’ all the time..” Kanji looks down, his face turning a light shade of pink. As soon as he realises this, he shakes his head. “Argh! Why am I explaining this to you??!” He grumbles, rubbing his face with the back of his hand.
“Why are you asking this typa' stuff anyways?” Kanji sighed with defeat, running a hand through his hair. Yosuke went quiet, unsure of how to explain.. I mean, it should’ve been easy.. But he was really struggling.
He wasn’t sure how to respond.. ‘I think I like men’? That just sounded too.. Out there.. He was so conflicted, fidgeting relentlessly with his hands to distract himself from the fact that he would indeed have to reply to this question in a matter of minutes before Kanji got suspicious.
His mother had always told him he would get married to a beautiful woman and have a nice family.. But could he do that with a man? His parents would be outraged to find out their only son wasn’t interested in women… He had spent his entire life trying to live up to their expectations. Working his ass off for his dad at Junes, helping out around the house for his mother.. They were proud of him, for once.. If he were to come to them about this they would surely be upset.
He could vividly remember one incident when he was just a child, in the city.. He made friends with the boy living in the house next door to his own. They had a lot in common, and they would take the train to school together. The boy was in the same class as him too! They were basically attached by the hip.
Until this boy got involved with another group at their school.
Suddenly, it was like Yosuke didn’t exist to him anymore.
He would ditch school, and constantly avoid him.. He didn’t know why. Until he confronted him one day after school. He remembers yelling at him, getting upset and confused. He asked why he didn’t like him anymore, and the boy got mad. Yosuke tried to grab his arm and he pushed him over. The boy kicked him in the stomach, and said something along the lines of ‘I don’t wanna be friends with a homo’.
He didn’t understand.
After that day, school became hell. The word spread of their little fight, and Yosuke was immediately targeted by most of the bullies at their school. The girls avoided him, calling him a ‘queer’. The boys didn’t want to be near him, saying they were scared to be alone with him.. It hurt. He did nothing wrong, so why?
It ended with Yosuke refusing to go to school, and his parents worrying for his well being from all the bullying.. So they moved. They moved far away from the city, to a small town that he’d never heard of.
“I think I might be gay.” Yosuke suddenly blurted out, feeling like he had just spat out a burning hot spud. His eyes widened quickly as he realized what he had just said, and how loudly he did. He had practically yelled it at Kanji, lifting his head quickly as the two of them made eye contact, shock in both of their faces.
“..You- what?” Kanji questioned with a confused look on his face. They sat silently, both trying to process the situation at hand.
Yosuke cringes at his own behavior, shaking his head quickly. “I.. I don’t know- I just..” His breath catches at the back of his throat, and he panics for a moment. “You have a crush on a guy?” Kanji asks genuinely, his intentions clear now.
Yosuke nods hesitantly, trying not to freak out again.
Kanji stays in his spot, and they share another long, yet less awkward pause of noise. Yosuke lets it sit this time, knowing this was a lot to spring on someone all of a sudden. This would all be okay, he knew it would.. But it was still scary.
“You like girls, though..?” Kanji speaks up, his voice soft and calm. It helped relax Yosuke’s tense shoulders, sinking lower when he took a new breath of air.
He chews at the inside of his cheek, nodding once more. “Yeah, I guess..??” He dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know, man! I thought I did, but now I don’t know anymore!” His voice was muffled by his hands, but Kanji still heard his grumbling nonetheless.
Kanji doesn’t reply this time, and Yosuke feels like he needs to keep going.
“I like girls, yeah.. They’re hot, and I’d date them.. But.. “ His tongue wets his dry lips, dropping his hands to the table. “When I’m with him it’s just.. It’s like gender suddenly doesn’t matter anymore.” He admitted dumbly, cringing at his own wording.
“Urgh…. This is stupid! You understand, right?!” He rages a little, quite confused and distressed by it all.
Kanji scratches the back of his head, taking a moment to register his question. “Yeah, I think so..” He looked around the room. “You don’t know if you actually have a crush on him?” He raised an eyebrow.
Yosuke simply nodded.
“Well, treat it like any other crush. If he was a girl, would you date him?” Kanji clicked his tongue after his words, crossing his arms to his chest as Yosuke sulked.
“Yeah, probably.” He shrugs nonchalantly, earning a nod from the blonde boy across from him. Kanji seemed to be struggling a little with communicating with Yosuke, and it was very obvious for the both of them.
“Then that’s your answer.” Was the answer he gave, making Yosuke blink in disbelief. That wasn’t any help at all!-
“If you have the same feelings for him as you would for a chick, then that’s your answer! I don’t think gender matters when it comes to attraction..” He interrupted that train of thought, snapping Yosuke out of his moping. “I think everyone should be able to like whoever they want.” Kanji nodded firmly, proud of his words this time.
That was true.
Kanji was right…
Yosuke had been so caught up in how others would react if he liked a guy, that he didn’t think about anything else.. It was all ‘what would they think of me?’ and never ‘how would i feel?’. That was probably why he was jealous of Kanji, of how open he could be.. He didn’t care that much about what other people thought of him, and it made Yosuke hate him. He wanted to be like that, not caring about others.. But it was hard when he had based his entire life and happiness around validation from others.
“I..” Yosuke clears his throat, unable to speak with the amount of anxiety on his tongue. “Shit.. That's what I needed to hear.” He breathed out with relief, feeling his whole body relax into itself.
"Does this mean you're coming out to me?" Kanji asked bluntly, his face lighting up as the realization of the situation kicked in. Yosuke almost spiraled back into a panic, but he kept it together.
"Err.. I guess..? Maybe? Just.. Don't tell anyone yet, okay? I need to.. think things over." Yosuke scratched the back of his neck with a sigh, trying to wrap his head around everything going on right now.
"I always knew we had something in common, Senpai-- Err-- Yosuke!" Kanji cheered gleefully, pumping his fist into the air as if he just won a stupid bet. Yosuke just laughed awkwardly, rubbing his forehead. This was going to be a long, long summer.