Chapter Text
Venti could only imagine that falling in love felt like drowning. As he looked out past the waves that brushed his feet, the deep blue ocean caught the man in a trance. The depth of the water was never ending and full of unknown; the feeling of suffocation from the ocean overwhelming him just the same as the idea of falling in love.
The dorms were giving him the same feeling the past few days. It was an average day of his friends hanging out, as their events were finally starting to slow down before they had to get back to work on their next comeback. Venti remembered exactly what he was doing when Kazuha walked into the room, looking through his phone on the couch across from Aether. Kazuha sat in the chair between them, a small ‘ahem’ grabbing their attention.
“I need to talk to you about something… Please don’t be upset with me, okay?”
“Upset?” Aether sat up straighter, setting his own phone aside. “We would never get upset with you.”
“Well,” Kazuha started, his voice trailing off. It takes him a moment to gain the courage to speak up again, his eyes glued to his hands. “… I’ve started seeing someone and I want you guys to keep it a secret from our company.”
The room went silent, the two taking in the sudden announcement. Venti wasn’t shocked that his friend was dating now. His group mates were pretty popular, and he always felt like the four of them should have more freedom when it came to the company's ridiculous rules. Aether on the other hand had other priorities.
“Are you in love?” Aether broke the silence, eyes looking to Kazuha.
“Love?” He met the blonde’s eyes for a moment before he looked away shyly, a blush growing on his cheeks. Venti could see the smallest smile on his face, a sign that his thoughts were already somewhere else.
“… I am. I think I have been, for a long time. I thought I could keep it to myself, especially for the sake of the group, but… I couldn’t keep living without expressing my feelings to them. I’m sorry.”
It was as if Venti was stuck as the audience for a movie, unable to truly input anything as he watched Aether stand from his seat to lean against Kazuha’s chair. He zoned out as the two began talking in their own little world, while Venti was floating off into space.
Was this really something his friends were already thinking about things like dating and love? Venti was the oldest and yet he was the one who never concerned himself with it. He was focused on music, training, being a good mentor for the younger members. Should he be thinking about love like they are?
Venti noticed their eyes were on him, smiling expectantly. He let out a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry about that, what did you say?”
“We were wondering if you’ve ever been in love,” Aether said.
“Me? No…” Venti took a deep and shaky inhale, the muscles in his neck tensing up from the thought. “I don’t… I don’t think I can fall in love with anyone. It’s just not something I can do.”
There was a pause, it didn’t last any longer than maybe ten seconds, but it was eternity for him. He could feel their gaze burning into his own eyes, the heat spreading to his cheeks. Venti prayed to himself that a blush wasn’t showing and that he made them think it’s from embarrassment. The only emotion he felt was fear.
“Really? I just think you haven’t tried!” Aether laughed. “You’re so relaxed about everything else, I didn’t expect someone like you to be so strict about love.”
Strict wasn’t the right word when it replayed in Venti’s mind. He didn’t do this by choice exactly; it was something he knew deep down that wasn’t possible. To be close to someone and be intimate, letting himself be pried open for anyone to see and easily destroy him. Or worse, see what lies deep inside behind the smile he always wears for others.
Venti couldn’t see himself surviving a day if he fell in love with someone.
His shoes were drenched in seawater as he stared out into the abyss, hands in the pockets of his jacket. Venti was glad that it wasn’t a windy day today to blow away his bunny hat, as it would’ve left his head without him even noticing. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath of air, the scent of the seaspray around him invaded his senses.
Venti took a step back and turned toward the beach. His feet sank into the wet sand until he reached the dry area, leaning down to pick up the guitar he had left behind for its safety. He only had a limited amount of time before his manager or one of the others found him, so it was time to get this show on the road.
It was quiet this time of day, Venti always made sure to perform when it wasn’t crowded. He enjoyed street performing, but not at the cost of people realizing he’s Venti the idol. A few people sat at tables in the distance and bikers rode past him as he walked down the pavement. He found a decent spot where the sand and sidewalk were separated by a short wall, and hopped on the edge with guitar in hand.
With no warning, his fingers brushed along the strings of his instruments. He strummed the beginning of his song before his voice chimed in next, catching the attention of people nearby. It wasn’t long until a small group of passersby formed in front of Venti, but he was already lost in his own world. The amount of eyes on him had no effect for the singer, as his mind was entranced by his own music.
As he finished up his first song, his senses came back to him and he finally noticed the group of people who had politely stood by to watch. An ocean of smiling viewers greeted Venti as he played the last notes on his guitar, and they welcomed him back to their world with a round of applause. He had time for another song so his fingers were quick to start playing against the strings again, but his awareness of the growing crowd around him lingered.
“Doesn’t that sound like Venti from 4NEMO?”
“It kind of looks like him too… Do you think we can get his autograph?”
“Maybe we can hang out with him after!”
Venti’s voice trailed off as the crowd’s voice grew louder than his own, their stares overshadowing their once gentle smiles. He glanced around for an escape route, but he could tell he was running out of time before the crowd would completely surround him.
He let out a small yelp as he was suddenly pulled backwards, falling into someone’s arms. One arm was wrapped around Venti’s shoulder as the other moved to grab his guitar, and the voice from his savior speaking up toward the crowd.
“Shows over. So get lost before I call the police and say there’s an unauthorized concert here.”
The man didn’t even wait for a response from the crowd before he guided Venti away from them, the murmurs dying out as they walked farther away from the scene. When they were distanced enough from the crowd, Venti turned to his friend with a teasing smile and pulled down the other’s mask.
“How did you find me, Xiao? It took you awhile this time, too,” Venti said.
“It wasn’t hard to follow the sound of your voice,” Xiao replied. “Not to mention the huge crowd you made on a small sidewalk.”
“It was so fun though! It seemed like everyone liked it, maybe we can make it a song for our next album?”
“As if Jean would let it slide that you leaked a song before it was released,” Xiao chuckled, his grip on Venti’s shoulder loosening.
“Jean doesn’t let us do anything!” Venti crossed his arms over his chest with a small pout, staring straight ahead. The two had made their way into the small town that accompanied the beach, passing by windows of cafes and clothing stores.
“She’s strict for a reason. You can’t just perform and mess around wherever and whenever you want,” Xiao sighed as he put the guitar strap on his shoulder and across his chest, letting Venti’s instrument rest on his back. “You could have gotten hurt today, or created a huge scandal for the company.”
Venti snapped his head toward his friend, speaking in a low but harsh whisper. “So I can’t perform music at the beach, but Kazuha can sneak around and go on dates with his new boyfriend?”
“That’s different.” A bit of red began to grow across Xiao’s cheeks, eyes forward. He looked focused on their unknown destination, but Venti could tell he didn’t want to look him in the eye.
“How is it different? He could get in trouble for dating when the company and Jean told us not to.”
“He’s actually hiding the fact that he has a boyfriend. Meanwhile, you’re making yourself known on the streets of Dihua Marsh.”
“I don’t understand why he wants to date anyway… Everyone acts like it’s a big deal when it’s not.” Venti’s voice lowered until it was barely audible, his feet almost stopping in their tracks if it wasn’t for Xiao keeping him going.
“… Have you ever actually dated anyone?” Xiao glanced over to the slightly taller man.
“Of course I haven’t. You think I actually have the capability to be intimate with someone?” Venti laughed, slightly teasing as if his friend would understand. He knew Xiao and the rest could never understand, when he couldn’t even understand his own feelings about love.
“You’re always touchy and cuddling us though.”
“That’s not the same! Why does it matter to you, anyway?”
There was a pause and Xiao stopped, removing his arm from Venti’s shoulders. Venti was about to speak up until the other stepped in front of him, his neutral expression a bit softer. He couldn’t tell what was behind it, whether it was disbelief or optimism that it wasn’t true.
“Is it true you feel like you can’t fall in love with someone?”
“I guess so, why? Like I said, it shouldn’t matter to anyone else but me anyway, right?” He put his hands on his hips, waiting for an explanation from Xiao. But instead he turned away from Venti and started walking again, leaving him to chase after the man. “Hey!! I wanna know why it’s so important to you!”
“It’s not a big deal,” Xiao replied. “It’s just… It’s sad, I guess. I think you’re capable of loving someone, you just have something blocking you from it.”
“I think I would know,” Venti huffed quietly, finally reaching up to Xiao’s side again. “I know myself more than anyone in the world, so I think I would know if I’m having a problem like that.”
Xiao opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it a second later with a shrug. He pulled his mask over his face and reached in his jacket pocket for his phone, most likely sending a text to their manager to pick them up.
“Maybe you’ll understand someday.”
Venti had been following Jean around the dorms about an hour after she picked him up. He was surprised she lasted this long; the last time he attempted getting something from her, she gave in after five minutes of him singing the word please over and over again. Now he was shadowing his manager around the room, as close to her body as possible.
It was finally when he tried to follow her into the bathroom that she broke.
“What do you want, Venti? We just got home.”
“I need to go somewhere! Please let me go out,” he begged, hands together in front of his chest. “Pleaseeeeee Jean, I need to leaveeeee.”
“You spent the day at the beach trying to wreak havoc and now you want to leave again? God help me…” She rubbed her temples as she spoke, eyes closed to calm herself.
“If you let me go, I promise I’ll be good. I’ll even let a bodyguard guard the place so they can see me if I try to leave!” Venti kneeled down and looked up to Jean with the biggest puppy dog face possible, and she sighed.
“Fine. But you have to also have a bodyguard at every possible entrance you go through, understand?”
“Yes!! Thank you, Jean~!” He jumped up and gave her a tight hug, leaving the woman in peace to gather his things.
Venti rushed to his room to find his backpack, setting it on the bed and contemplated what to bring with him. He definitely needed his notebook with song ideas, but he knew he couldn’t bring his guitar or any other instruments with him. Not only were they too big to carry around, but he didn’t want to get kicked out again from noise complaints.
He grabbed a few gifts from fans he received at his last fansign, carefully placing them in the bag along with a blanket. Venti made sure he also had money in his wallet for once, hoping Jean would let him stay long enough to grab something to eat.
“Where are you going now?”
Venti looked up to find Xiao leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and a slight frown on his face.
“I need to run an errand,” he replied. “Don’t worry, some guards are accompanying me this time. I’ll be supervised and safe.”
He turned to his bag again and continued to pack, not noticing right away that Xiao closed the door and stepped toward him.
Xiao cleared his throat to get Venti’s attention, cheeks tinted pink when their eyes met again. “Can I talk to you about something before you leave?”
“Huh? Yeah, of course!” Venti gave him a smile and sat on the edge of his bed, patting the spot next to him. Xiao took the invitation but sat with a little distance between them. He had his hands in his lap, fingers picking at his black nail polish nervously.
“I want to talk to you about our conversation earlier. I know you said it’s something I don’t need to be thinking about, but… I want to help you.”
“Help me? What are you talking about, I’m perfectly fine! See?” Venti smiled as big as he could, causing his friend to exhale a laugh.
“No, I mean…” He sighed, moving his hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I want to help you know about love. You know, understand that you deserve to be loved, see how nice it is to care about someone like that…”
“I know what love is, Xiao.”
“Just listen. Love is— It’s good. I know it’s hard to want to open up that side of yourself, but that’s why I’m offering to help and teach you about it. If you’ll let me.”
Something settled in Venti’s stomach and rose up to his chest, tightening around his lungs as if he couldn’t breathe. Not in the same way he was used to, like drowning in the water, but more like he was holding his breath. Waiting for something he didn’t know of, but he wanted to find out.
He bounced as he scooted closer to Xiao, observing the clear embarrassment written all over his face. Venti giggled under his breath and took his friend’s hand, squeezing it tight. “Okay, I’ll take you up on it.”
“Wait really?” Xiao stuttered out as he turned to Venti, eyes wide.
“Yeah! I’m curious about what your plan is, anyway.” Venti released his hold on Xiao before standing, zipping up his backpack and putting the straps on his shoulders. “And if you can’t make me fall in love with someone, you have to buy me a bottle of alcohol every week for a year~!”
Xiao stared at him, mouth agape at the suggestion of a bet. He was too shocked to even ask what he would get if he won before Venti left him sitting in the room alone.
The halls were quiet, almost silent if it wasn’t for the low buzzing of machinery and sound of footsteps. Venti appreciated the effort of whoever decorated the hallways, as they were decorated with paintings and the bare walls were at least a soft blue. He couldn’t handle the blank white walls of his past any longer, but he could handle hospitals better with color like this.
As he walked by nurses and doctors who recognized him, he gave them a small nod and smiled brightly behind his medical mask. He couldn’t help it; even if they can’t see it, he was so used to smiling all the time that he wasn’t sure if he could stop if he wanted to.
Venti glanced down to the bouquet in his arms, cradling it carefully like a child. He tried to get the flowers here sooner, but he was thankful for them staying alive for more than a day. Amaryllis flowers and dahlias filled most of the bouquet, with white stock flowers to help the two red colored flowers pop out. His fans became more and more creative with their choices in flowers, to the point where he had to start looking them up to find out what they were.
He reached a door at the end of the hall and pushed it open slowly, peeking his head inside to check for any nurses. When the coast was clear, he stepped inside and pulled his mask down past his chin. Venti immediately went to the empty vase sitting at a table close to the door and set the flowers in it, a small smile on his face.
“I’ll have to get water for those in a minute, but first…” His steps were more careful as he made his way toward the hospital bed, pulling a chair to the edge as quietly as possible. “I wanted to say hi to you, first.”
He reached his hand out to take his resting brother’s frail one, smoothing his thumb over the soft skin. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring more flowers, Cae. We’re at the end of promotions, so I might have to ask fans to send some to the company for us.”
Venti laughed under his breath, eyes scanning his twin’s face. His hair was still in loose braids from the last visit, with a few stray hairs carefully framing his cheeks. Venti used his free hand to brush the strands away and squeezed his hand.
“I plan on staying here for a few hours, so I’ll make sure and brush your hair again, okay?” He gave Caelus a gentle smile, unlike the bright and cheery one he uses outside of this room. “I have a few ideas for our next album too, so I was thinking of sharing them with you.”
There was no response, but it was unsurprising to Venti at this point. No matter how many years passed with no response other than simple breaths, he visited his twin brother with as many bouquets as possible and a promise to sing him a song.