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“Shawn?” Shawn’s mind is racing as fast as the wind that blows his hair out of his face as he stares down at the road below him. He takes a deep breath of fresh air, savoring it for, he knows he doesn’t have much longer here. He shivers as another gust of wind threatens to push him off the edge, but he wouldn’t really mind if it did. He doesn’t have anything better to be doing right now other than overthink, and that isn’t good for anyone, least of all Shawn. He’s a broken porcelain doll on display. Everyone always looks and watches him. Now is his alone time. Now is the time for him to end it all. So, when he hears the, “Shawn?” call from behind, he isn’t sure what to think.
He can’t bite back his sigh of disappointment. This was meant to be easy. It always seemed easy in movies and shows. Most of the time, no one comes up to stop the person about to jump. Can’t his attempt actually succeed? For once, can’t he just live life like it was a movie or show? His plans are ruined with the intervention of someone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he can’t jump. After all, it’s only one person. And once person can’t stop him, not even his best friend. He’ll go through with this, even if that means Cory’s more devastated than he would’ve been before.
“You weren’t supposed to find that note until tomorrow.” Shawn doesn’t bother turning around. He has to yell for Cory to hear him over the cars and sirens from the streets below. This is a perk of living in a big city; it’s always loud, even at the strangest hours. Shawn always liked that about Philadelphia. When he was restless and unable to sleep it seemed like the city was too. Now that he’s up here, he can get a view of the city from above. “It’s beautiful tonight,” Shawn says mindlessly, “don’t you think, Cor?”
“It sure is, bud.” Cory laughs nervously. Shawn doesn’t understand what Cory’s so nervous about, though. Shawn’s okay. This is his decision to make, and he wants to make it now. Cory was supposed to understand that. Yeah, the two do basically everything together, but this is something that Shawn thought he could face alone. “I think that you should come back home with me.” Shawn laughs. He doesn’t mean to and it’s humorless, but he laughs nonetheless. Cory goes silent behind him.
Shawn doesn’t see the point in Cory coming up here. Cory won’t jump. He has a lot to live for. He has his brother, Eric. Eric graduates high school next year. Cory wouldn’t want to miss that, would he? He has his sister, Morgan. Morgan’s young, really young. He still has to be her older brother even if he doesn’t want to be. He’s got his parents. They’ll be ruined if Cory dies, and Shawn doesn’t want to be responsible for that. Cory has Topanga. They’ve been inseparable since Shawn met them all those years ago.
Cory has all these people he needs to live for, and who does Shawn have? His parents abandoned him. They never cared about him anyway. He has a brother who probably doesn’t even know he exists, and if he did, he obviously doesn’t even care enough to pay a visit. Cory’s family never cared much about Shawn anyway. He’s trouble with a capital T. Jonathan was just a temporary solution. He never cared about Shawn, he just wanted to use him for pity points from others. In hindsight, Shawn regrets leaving Turner a note. Cory? Cory has Topanga now. Cory doesn’t need Shawn anymore. So yeah, Shawn’s got no one.
Shawn shivers again. This wind is howling tonight. It’s supposed to rain soon. The sky is grey and the stars can’t be seen through the clouds, so not even the Gods can have the satisfaction of seeing him die. “We can make some hot chocolate. I know you like that. We can put it in that mug that you like to use.” Cory’s suggestion aren’t getting through to Shawn. He’s spent so many years building up this brick wall and intending to let it fall when a single person tries to break it isn’t his highest priority at the moment.
“Just leave me alone, Cor.” Shawn’s tired of this. Cory wasn’t supposed to be here. Shawn slipped through Cory’s window just to set the note on his bedside table. Cory was fast asleep then. Why isn’t he fast asleep now? And does Eric know that Cory and Shawn are here? Does any of Cory’s family know? Shawn hopes not. “Your parents are probably worried to death about you. Just go h-”
“You think my parents are worried to death about me? Shawn, I’m sure they’ve seen the note by now. Eric woke up right before I left through the window.” Shawn looks down at his hands. He’s surprised to see them shaking. “They know I won’t go through with a stunt like this, but I think everyone knows you would.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shawn finally turns around to face Cory. Cory must be wearing one of Eric’s sweaters because it’s much too big to be his own. Over the sweater he has his light blue coat on. His cheeks are red, probably from the temperature outside. He has dried tears on his cheeks as well. Has he been crying about Shawn? God, he hopes not. “What is that supposed to mean?” Shawn repeats louder and slightly more angrily.
“You’re reckless, Shawn! I mean, look at you!” Cory laughs. It’s a bitter laugh. One that makes Shawn’s chest ache. “You’re on top of a building and you were about to jump before I got here. Do you know how many people you’ll hurt doing this? Do you even care? If you need help, we can help you! You can’t keep doing shit like this when we’ve all tried so hard to help.”
Shawn doesn’t respond. He isn’t sure how to. A part of his mind, the rational part, screams at him that Cory’s right. Cory wants to help. Cory’s family wants to help. Cory’s girlfriend wants to help. Cory’s English teacher wants to help. But that’s just it, isn’t it? All of these people care about Cory. All of these people always help Cory. Not Shawn, but Cory. It’s always fucking Cory! Why can’t it ever be Shawn’s turn to be wanted for once.
“I care about you, Shawny. I need you-”
“Well I don’t need you,” Shawn retorts coldly. Cory’s mouth clamps shut. He looks hurt. Good. Maybe if Cory’s hurt, maybe if Cory’s mad, he won’t be as upset when Shawn finally does die. Maybe the trick is to make Cory hate him. Again, the rational part of his mind tell him not to go through with this. That it’s a terrible idea. But what other option does he have? “I never needed you,” Shawn continues, “and I’ll never need you in the future. You mean nothing to me.”
“Then why did you leave the note.” Shawn stops talking. Cory looks almost triumphant. “Why do you think you can keep doing this? Why do you think you can keep getting away with this without there being any consequences for your actions, because there are always consequences!”
“I know that, Cor!”
“Then why do you keep doing this?”
“I don’t know!”
“Yes you do!”
“No I fucking don’t!”
“Just tell me why!”
“Because I want to die, Cory!” Shawn’s throat hurts from the screaming match. He feels tears well up in his eyes, and he doesn’t care enough to stop them from falling. Cory goes silent. He dons a solemn expression. Shawn wipes his running nose. “I want to die, okay? That’s why I’m up here. There’s nothing left for me.” Shawn’s voice is as quiet as a mouse now. He feels small, so he guesses it’s a good fit to be a mouse. “Please, Cor, just let me do this. Let me do this once thing. That’s all I’m asking.”
Cory shakes his head. Slowly at first, then quickly with an array of “No, Shawn”s and “I can’t let you do this”. Shawn doesn’t want to listen. The mouse wipes his eyes and looks back at the view of the city. The urge to jump is shrinking now that he feels worse than before, but he knows he’ll be back again.
“I’m sorry,” Shawn whispers. He doesn’t know if Cory hears it over the low hum of a water heater on the roof or the traffic down below. His throat hurts still and that hot chocolate sounds nice right about now. Yet, he can’t show his face around those people again. What will they say? They’ll be disappointed in him if they aren’t already. He’ll certainly be back here sooner than he hopes.
He’s an old porcelain doll with cracks and broken pieces, but glued back together. He’s been glued back together so many times that sometimes the glue bonds looks ready to snap with use. However, he’s managed to stay in one piece for his whole life now. Those glue bonds will stay. He won’t let them snap. Not now.
Shawn once again turns around to look at Cory. The younger wears a hopeful expression, and Shawn walks away from the ledge. Cory smiles slightly in relief, but doesn’t walk towards Shawn. “I wanna go home, it’s cold out.” Cory chuckles and finally moves towards his friend. He wraps his arm around Shawn’s shoulders and leads the two towards the staircase to exit the building.
Shawn turns back one last time to admire the view of this city. It isn’t as loud and busy as it was at the beginning of the night. As Shawn follows Cory down the staircase, he thinks maybe now he’ll finally get some rest too.
Shawn is reluctant to go into the Matthews residence. After what he just pulled, he’s 99% sure they’ll yell at him. He deserves it, though. He’ll admit it was a pretty stupid thing to try and do. Cory reasonably told him that himself. The two stand outside the front door. Cory waits for Shawn to knock since, for once, the door is locked. Shawn takes a deep breath. It’s now or never. He knocks. Alan answers the door. His hard gaze softens when he looks at Shawn.
“Speaking of the devil.” Shawn doesn’t know the context to the prior conversation, but something tells him that they were talking about him. Alan moves out of the doorway and ushers the two boys inside before practically slamming the door behind them. Shawn hates how he jumps at the noise. Cory notices. He rubs Shawn’s shoulder comfortingly and leads him to the couch to sit before Alan completely blows up at them.
Shawn’s eyes dart around the room quickly. Amy and Jonathan stand by the door to the kitchen. Topanga, Mr. Feeny, and Amy stand by the fire place. Shawn spotted Eric on the steps behind the couch. Shawn’s eyes land on a bottle of beer on the table. He subconsciously tenses up more. Cory doesn’t notice this time and doesn’t provide comfort. Shawn thinks he’s about to have a breakdown. This entire scene is reminding him too much of home and his dad.
“What the hell were you thinking?” There it is. Shawn can’t look Alan in the eyes. He just can’t bring himself to. “You went out in the middle of the night and for what? Eric came down and said he saw you sneaking out (that was directed at Cory, Shawn realizes) and Jonathan called when he realized you weren’t in the apartment (Alan gestures to Shawn with that one)! We thought you could’ve died out there! Amy even called the police! Topanga was worried out of her mind and came here because of you two. Mr. Feeny heard up screaming and came to check up on you. You two have caused so much trouble, but why?” Shawn freezes. They didn’t find the notes?
“I think Shawn should answer this one,” Cory grumbles. Shawn almost rolls his eyes. Yes, it’s his fault for all of this, but he’s already trying so hard to fight back tears. Memories of being shouted at and being beaten flood his mind. His breathing is shallow as he finally looks at Alan again, whose gaze is once again hardened with anger.
“I, uhm,” Shawn looks at his hands. They’re shaking once more. He’s having trouble breathing. He can hardly hear his thoughts over the pounding of his heart in his ears, “I,” he feels sick. Sick and dizzy and hot and will somebody just open up a window? He doesn’t think he can do this on his own.
“That note Shawn left told me nothing,” Eric pipes up. Attention turns away from Shawn to Eric, who holds the note Shawn had left for Cory. Shawn doesn’t feel any better. In fact, he feels worse. Hot tears finally spill from his cheeks. He tries to wipe at them, but they just won’t stop. No one seems to notice.
“What note?”
“The one Shawn left for Cory.” Alan frowns. Eric holds the note up and clears his throat to read it aloud. “Hey Cor. Sorry about what happened - or what’s about to happen by the time I’m writing this. I just feel so alone, y’know? I mean I know I have you but that’s about it. My dad took off for the weekend and I know Jon’s place is great, but something tells me Dad isn’t gonna be back soon. I really have nothing. So, just wanted to say I’m sorry, and no hard feelings. This is what had to be done. Sincerely Love, Shawn.” Eric stops reading. “I mean, what is this supposed to be?”
Shawn feels all eyes on him. If possible, Shawn feels like his heart has sped up somehow. It’s even harder to breathe. He thinks he hears Cory whisper something to him, but he doesn’t quite catch it. Even if Cory shouted it he doesn’t think he’ll hear it. The tears won’t stop and his hands won’t stop shaking and everyone won’t stop looking at him and his heart won’t stop pounding and-
“Shawn!” That’s Alan’s shout, but it only causes panic to seize Shawn by the ankles and drag him further under. “Shawn, you listen to me boy.” Shawn knows it’s Alan speaking but he only hears and sees a drunken Chet. He feels hands around his throat lifting him into the air as Chet lands a punch on his cheek. Alan - Chet? - is saying something, yet Shawn can’t make it out because, fuck, he messed everything up again and they’ll all leave him like they should’ve done in the first place.
A scream claws its way out of his throat and he can’t tell if anyone heard it or not because he can’t fucking see because panic and fear are drowning him in the pool of his own mind. It’s not real, it’s never been real, but it feels real. Shawn can’t deal with that. He screams again but his head is being dunked now, and soon he won’t be able to make it out. He’s sent into hysterics when he hears Chet again, but now it really is Alan and shit he can see again but now he’s on the floor on the opposite side of the couch. Alan touches Shawn foot, and Shawn screams again.
“Dad, I’m sorry, please, I promise I’ll never do it again, I’m sorry-” Shawn sobs and runs his fingers through his hair violently, possibly pulling some strands out. His pulls his knees up to his chest. He looks around the room and notices everyone staring at him. It’s silent for a beat. Mr. Feeny steps forward. He sets a hand on Alan’s shoulder and pulls him away. Shawn realizes just exactly what he’s done. “I’m sorry, I th-”
“It’s alright, Mr. Hunter,” Mr. Feeny says in the softest voice Shawn’s ever heard. “So I assume your father hasn’t been the kindest to you.” Jonathan stirs in his position. He looks from Alan, to Feeny, to Shawn. Shawn isn’t sure how to respond. He knows he should tell the truth, but it’s so much easier to lie. So, instead, he just laughs nervously. Feeny doesn’t find it funny. In fact, his expression is stern. “Mr. Hunter, people don’t have panic attacks for no reason.” Panic attack? Shawn furrows his eyebrows. No. He wasn’t having a panic attack. He can’t. No no no.
“Shawny,” Cory speaks. He stands up, leaving Topanga alone on the couch. “Can I tell them where we were?” Shawn takes a moment to think. They’ll be concerned. They’ll hate him. They’ll kick him to the curb and he’ll turn into his father. However, he can’t stand keeping a secret. He nods and Cory turns around after sitting next to Shawn. “We were on top of this one building. I can’t remember which it was, but I found Shawn on the ledge.” Cory turns to Shawn, and Shawn nods once more. “He tried to kill himself, guys.”
No one speaks. Shawn thinks the silence will try to strangle him if he makes a single sound, so he stays put with his mouth practically bolted shut. He see everyone staring, but none of their gazes have any hint of malice. They’re pitying him. He feels like absolute human garbage. Well, not even human. He feels foreign. He makes eye contact with Jonathan. Except Jon isn’t judging him. Jon’s gaze is sympathetic. He’s trying to understand something Shawn won’t let him be apart of.
“I think Shawn’s had a rough night,” Eric says. Shawn’s confused to hear Eric say something sensitive for once. However, he isn’t excited for Eric to continue. “I think he need a good night’s sleep.” Wow. Shawn had his doubts, but for once? Eric had something the least bit intelligent to say.
“I think Eric’s right.” Jonathan finally steps forward. Mr. Feeny stands up from his squatting position to stand next to Amy, hand in front of himself. Jonathan offers a hand to Shawn, which Shawn accepts. Cory stands as well, but immediately sits back down next to Topanga on the couch. “Let’s go back to the apartment, kid. I want you to stay with me until we get this whole thing sorted out.” Jon wraps an arm around Shawn. For once, Shawn doesn’t flinch. He practically sinks into the touch. He will admit, he is pretty tired. Maybe staying with Jon won’t be too bad. He’s done it before, so why not again?
Shawn spares a glance in Eric’s direction. He gives the older a curt nod before Jon leads him to the door. Jon says something to Amy, Alan, and Feeny that Shawn doesn’t quite make out. He sends a smile in Cory and Topanga’s direction before Jon whisks him out the door without even letting him say goodnight.
“Jon?” Shawn doesn’t like how meek his voice sounds. Jon looks down at him. The two of them are walking. Jon hadn’t brought his motorcycle, apparently. “I-I’m sorry for all of that.” Shawn laughs nervously again and runs his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what to do, y’know?” Shawn looks down at his shoes.
“Hunter, I want you to listen to me.” Jon stops walking and looks Shawn in the eyes. “Whenever you need help with anything I want you to talk to me about it. Don’t pull stunts like this. You’re like a son to me and I won’t have you flying off of building like you’re Superman, got it?” Shawn nods slowly. “Now, I wanna hear everything. Gimme a glimpse inside the mind of Shawn Hunter, if there’s anything in there.” Shawn musters a half smile at that comment. The two begin walking again.
“I didn’t think you, or anyone, would care if I just died, y’know? So, I thought the only option was to die.” Shawn avoids looking at Jon. “My dad always said that my only job was to get him beer and look pretty. Since he’s probably not gonna be coming back, I figured I have no purpose in life so I thought ‘fuck it’ and, and, well, you know the rest.” Shawn shivers, and Jon puts his leather jacket on Shawn’s shoulders.
“Even though your purpose may be vague, you have one. So many people care so much about you, y’hear?” Shawn nods. He knows Jon won’t yell. He’s seen what happens then. “And your dad? He’s wrong about you. You have so much potential that I’m not going to let you put to waste. You’re a good kid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” Shawn hears an underlying message that Jon’s going to give Shawn’s dad a stern talking to. “I don’t know if this is a good time to bring it up, but your dad sent legal forms again. I can be your legal guardian if you want.” Shawn finally looks up at Jon again. His eyes twinkle with thankfulness.
“Please, please, please I can’t go back with him. Not until he’s sober.” Shawn’s hopeful. For once he has something to look forward to. Jon laughs at ruffles Shawn’s hair, successfully ruining the windblown look. Shawn doesn’t care. His hair was already ruined anyway.
“Alright, alright. Only because you want it.” Shawn laughs, a genuine laugh, for the first time that night. Jon wraps his arm around Shawn’s shoulders once again and laughs with him. Maybe things will be alright. Of course Jon will make him go to therapy, but he’ll be alright. Eventually.