Work Text:
There’s always been a question that lingers in the back of my mind.
No matter how many times I’ve tried to force it down, it lingers.
It always finds a way into the limelight.
Especially in moments like this.
As I stare at the sleeping frame of my friend, I felt my world begin to crumble.
Strands of her hair lay messily across her face as she slept, Her chest rose and fell with every silent breath.
It was beautiful
She was like a siren. Her quiet snores were like music to my ears.
Beckoning me to come closer.
To relax.
To allow me to let her presence lull me to sleep as if at this moment the world was a perfect place to be.
But the world isn’t a perfect place.
And I wouldn't be able to fall asleep.
The cross my mother had insisted I wear hung heavy around my neck.
It burned, I felt like it was choking me.
That I was unfit to wear it.
That by wearing it I was a traitor to my beliefs.
To my family.
And to everyone I loved.
The air felt thin, it was as though it was rapidly fleeting.
My eyes burned, tears threatening to spill if I wasn’t careful.
I was a caged bird, helpless and afraid.
My heart grew heavy as the realization dawned on me.
The intrusive thought that plagued my mind at all times was back.
So, as I lie there in that dark room.
Looking at the living and breathing personification of all things good.
I knew ...
The pearly gates of heaven would never open for me.