Chapter Text
Dear Evan Hansen,
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?
Connor was still mad at him. It was his fault, anyways. He wouldn’t talk to him anymore. They were back to square one. Like on the day they first met, that day in the park. It was the first time in years that he felt like, maybe, everything would be okay.
Evan was sitting on the park bench, holding the piece of bread his mother had given to him. I need to go to work, she said. Why don’t you go feed the ducks in the new park that opened nearby? We have some leftover bread in the fridge, she said. It would be good for you, she said. To not be coped up in here and to get some fresh air after what happened today, she said.
She said, she said, she said. Evan did not want to get some fresh air. He did not want to get out of the house and risk having to talk to someone. But, he also did not want his mother to be dissapointed, which he knew she would be if she found out that Evan stayed home all day. It was the first day of junior year and, of course, his anxiety just had to act up and make him look like a fool in front of everybody. He had a panic attack in the middle of class, all because the teacher called on him to answer a question. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Why couldn’t he just be normal like everyone else? Why did he have to be so—-
“My mom said that if I succesfully talked to someone without screaming, i’d get my phone back, so, talk.” All of a sudden, there was a boy in front of him. Wha— when did he get there? He looked familiar. Evan opened his mouth to say something, but then thought, wait. Was he talking to me? He looked around to check if there was anybody else but no, the park was mostly empty, save for the two of them by the park bench. So, it was definitely him the boy was talking to.
“Umm… uhh… wh— what?” Wow, applause for that very coherent sentence Evan.
“I SAID—-“ The boy started shouting. Evan flinched a bit and at that, the boy took a deep breath to calm himself down. (Evan was annoying, Evan messed everything up and he didn’t even know what everything was)
“Could you, like, share some of that bread with me? To feed the ducks?” He continued to explain, “You don’t seem to be making much use of it, anyways.”
Evan didn’t move. The boy was talking to him. He wanted his bread. To feed the ducks. But… he was supposed to feed the ducks. His mom said to feed the ducks. He couldn’t just say that he did feed the ducks even though he didn’t feed the ducks and instead, gave the bread to another boy who would feed the ducks. But, wait, the boy said share. That implies together. Which means human interaction. Which means he’d have to actually talk and not just sit in silence like he is in this very moment while the boy waits for him to answer, shizzles.
“Umm, ok.”
“Great.” He replied, still awkwardly standing there in front of him.
They stayed like that for a while, neither of them daring to make the first move. Evan observed the boy in front of him. He was tall. Like, really tall. He was wearing a black hoodie that seemed to be very loved, or hated. The ends of his sleeves were frayed, there were some stains on it that looked suspiciously dark like blood that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times you washed it. He would know.
“So, are we gonna do this or what?” The boy asked finally, tired of the silence that spread between the two of them,
“Oh, yeah, ok.” Evan stood up from the bench. Feeling the strain in his legs, he wondered how long he’d been sitting there. The sun was already setting, and his mom said he had to be home before 7. He tore the bread in half, giving one part to his new… acquaintance? He needed to hurry. It took about 15 minutes to walk back home and even though it was only probably 5, he did not want to have to walk home in the dark, when strangers could come to you and do stuff.
The two boys approached the duck pond and started feeding the ducks.
“So, um, I’m Evan.” Evan started, nervously biting his lip, not being able to stand the silence. “Who— who are you?”
“I’m pretty sure we go to school together. I’m Connor and my mom decided that i had to go calm myself in the park or something. She wants me to learn to control my temper or something like that.”
Evan turned his head towards Connor. He recognised that name. He… didn’t he throw a printer at his teacher in second grade? Connor’s mom’s point of view suddenly became a bit clearer. She sure was right about learning to control his anger.
That was mean. Gosh, that was super mean! Why did he think that?
“Fuck you, dude! You know what!? Fuck this. Fuck you and fuck my mom! Seriousy, who gives a shit if i try to do something nice anyways!? It always ends the same. I’m always in the wrong!”
Frickidy frackity, he said that outloud. Connor’s face was contorted in rage but he seemed at the verge of tears. He had an expression that Evan could recognise in his sleep. He did, after all see it everyday in the mirror. Connor was having a panic attack. Evan took an unsure step forward. He, himself, was one word away from a panic attack but Connor was more important right now, seeing as he was literally in the middle of passing out from hyperventilation. Woah, that was fast.
“I— i’m sorry, i d— did— didn’t mean it. C— can I touch you?” He said kneeling on the ground next to Connor, hesitantly extending a hand towards him. He really didn’t want to have to comfort anyone right now but it was kinda his fault. His fault, his fault, always his fault.
He saw Connor try to stand up and get away from him but he eventually gave in and nodded. Evan gently placed a hand on the taller boy’s shoulder and started talking and talking until he calmed down.
“In for umm, 4. Out for 4?” Why couldn’t he remember what to do? His therapist gave him this advice every week! “Just take deep breaths. In…. out…. in… out…. in… out…”
“I—-“ Connor started, still wheezing excessively. “I kinda… got that already.”
“Oh, um, ok. Wh— what do i do, then?” Evan was lost. He experienced panic attacks daily but he never had to calm someone else down!
Connor glared at him. His expression saying, ‘I’m the one having the panic attack right now. How am I supposed to know?’ But then, he seemed to think of something.
“Could you maybe just keep talking?” He said, eyes trained on the floor. “Hearing yo— people talk is comforting for some reason.”
“Ok, ok, ok. So, you know how your mom told you to go be nice to someone and that’s why you’re in this park? Well, that’s kinda why i’m here too. But, not because my mom said I need to be nice but, like, she wants me to talk to people too. I just, you know, have, like, anxiety so she wants me to try and, like, break out of my shell or something. So, she sent me here to feed ducks.” Evan ranted on, only stopping to take a breath. “I’ve actually been here for hours because, well, i really didn’t want to stand up and be the only one to feed he ducks because then, that would be awkward and people might think i’m weird and stuff. Then, you came, and like, that was a relief but at the same time kinda nerve-wracking. ‘Cause, you know, people.” He said that last part with some sort of weird jazz hands gesture.
Connor had mostly stopped hyperventilating at this point but Evan wanted to explain why he reacted that way to Connor being, well, Connor. So, he continued on, “You wanted to feed ducks with me. Which, honestly, was kind of nice. Then you told me about yourself and i remembered this one thing Jared told me about printers and my mind just suddenly became really mean and wow, did i not mean to think that. Or say it out loud. That—- that was really really mean of me and i am soooo sorry.”
“You actually don’t seem that bad. I mean, if you were, you probably wouldn’t have asked to feed ducks with me. You probably would have just said, like, hi or soemthing and tell your mom that you talked to someone. Which would be true. But you didn’t. Which was nice. So, yeah, you’re not that bad is what i’m trying to say.”
“Not that I’m saying I know you, it’s just my first impression.” Evan suddenly realised that he had been talking for a really long time and his mouth was dry and he just revealed that he had anxiety to a guy who went to his school. Frick.
Connor was looking at him with a strange expression. Almost like no one had ever told him that he wasn’t bad before. Which didn’t seem right because, surely, he must have friends who tell him that, right? He quickly erased the thought from his head. Only pathetic people like himself had no friends.
“I’m just gonna go now.” Evan uttered, slowly standing up from the ground. It was dark now, and he’d have to walk home, alone, in the dark, where scary strangers could approach you and kidnap you or something. Gosh, he did not want to be alone right now.
“Actually, wait. Are you ok? I should have asked this before.” He turned back to face Connor, still on the ground.
Connor shakily stood up and gave Evan another weird look. He then noticed the discarded pieces of bread on the floor and the fact that it was already dark. He was about to do something he wouldn’t do on a regular basis. He was gonna offer Evan a ride. Evan was the first person in years to actually help him through a panic attack and, while he may have been the one to cause it, Connor still owed him one.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” He stopped for a second, reconsidering his choice. “But, it’s dark out. And, um, do you want a ride? It’s just, you don’t seem to have a car and you look very anxious to be out right now, so…”
Connor was right, Evan was extremely anxious to be out right now and would gladly go into Connor’s car if it meant getting out of the dark because it was really dark and, oh gosh, what time is it.
“Ok, um, if you don’t mind. I live pretty close by, anyways. So, there’s that…” It would also be faster to get there by car rather than by foot, which would mean less chance to be late for curfew. His mom wouldn’t actually be there to notice, though. She was always working. She didn’t care. He was just a burden.
“Ok, my car’s just there so, hop in, i guess?”
He did. And, together, they drove home.