Chapter Text
The soft and warm night was enveloping me. She was carrying me, hugging me, I felt my body dissolving in her hands. I felt like it was already over.
One more step
I wasn’t scared. Not at all. Fear was something that I always struggled with through out my life, but it didn’t even occur to me.
One small step
I was walking slowly, I took a few moments to look at my town, Faraway, the town where I was born raised and the town where I will soon die. I have resided there for thirteen years, and nothing too interesting ever happened, just a boring little town.
Another step
My life was made of one failure after another, beginning with the marriage that I come from, apparently my parents loved each other, I didn't really believe it, they met each other in some bar some seventeen years ago, and they apparently decided that it was a good idea to marry each other after that they knew each other for one year. I couldn’t blame them, he was 30 and she was 19, he was rich and she was barely able to buy food, he was getting pushed to get married and she was too. This was the first mistake.
One simple step
They had their first and most important child only nine month later, they named her Mari, the name of her father grandma, if his words are to be trusted that is. She was a beautiful little child, nice and caring, and even as she was a kid she made friend with all the neighbors kids. But having such a perfect child didn’t help the fact that the couple didn’t truly love each other, so maybe, they thought, having another child could maybe fix their broken marriage, maybe that was what they needed, a second perfect children, it didn’t go that way. This was the second mistake.
One bigger step
That’s where I come in, the imperfect one, the one that needed fixing, they named me Sunny, probably in a wish that I would be the sun in their life, but the world took that personally. I was far from being pretty, and far from being the social little sun that my parents wished I was, so much in fact that I started to talk in sign language when I had trouble expressing myself. Humiliating, really. And my grades where average at best, was far from failing any class but it wasn’t enough, it was never enough. I was the third mistake.
Another step
Back then I only found happiness when I was by Mari’s side, she did perfect hugs and she always had the perfect words for each situation. And then I made some other friends, first was Mari’s best friend and what was soon to be the love of her life. Henry, or Hero as they liked to call him. And his little brother Kelsey, Kel for short. Hero was everything I wanted to be while growing up, amazing cook good speaker caring and with a killer smile, he and his sister made a good couple. Kel was on the other hand the best person Sunny met in his life, always happy, always loving, always so energetic. He certainly was good pretending he was his friend too, because now he understood that Kel was only spending time with him because Hero wanted to visit Mari, and he needed to babysit Kel. But for a time this fake friendship was good enough for me. I started drawing in my spare time too, it was my thing. I liked it.
Then, one day, on their way back to school they saw a little girl crying on the street, she was named Aubrey, a girl that I used to have a crush on. I didn’t know why she was crying but it didn’t matter to us, because in no time Mari came to comfort her, and we followed closely, that’s when she joined our friend group. I thought that I was her friend but now I realize that she spent time with me because it meant that she will be able to spend more time with Mari.
A few days later Aubrey introduced us to a boy named Basil, he was a little scared at first but soon enough he became my friend, he is the only one that I can call my friend without Mari having to do anything with our relationship, my only real friend. And for a time. Everything was okay. Everyone was happy. Thinking that it was going to last was my fourth mistake.
One step, then another, and another.
That’s when the arguing began, at first it was only their parents getting angry and blaming each other for the smallest things, even if neither of them could have done anything to prevent it. From the raccoon going through our trash bin to our TV breaking out of nowhere, anything was a good excuse for their yelling. And every time that happened I hided away in my room and every time Mari was there to give me cuddles and telling that everything was going to be okay, it was a lie, nothing was going to be okay.
I love my sister, who wouldn’t love her? She was perfect. Everything she did, she succeeded. Softball? She was the star of the team. Piano? Praised by all. Being a sister? Overall better than my parents. When she picked up piano I watched her train all day long, I even tried to play with her with my toy violin that one time. It was fun. Eventually my friends bought me a violin as a Christmas present, when I saw it I thought that I was going to be able to spend even more time with her, I was so, so happy. I didn’t care about the violin. I only cared about Mari.
I started slow, learning simple melodies. But everything changed when we learned that a recital was going to be held at school, I really, really, didn’t want to do it. But my friends were so excited to see us play, I couldn’t refuse. And maybe, just maybe, my parents would be proud of me.
One step, just a few more left
We settled on a duet. So that we could play together, and we started training. At first it wasn’t anything too hard. Mari and I would both make mistakes and we would both laugh about it, but then Mari mastered her part, it’s where things began to become bad. Every time I made a mistake she would talk about me under her breath, then would tell me to try again from the beginning. Again. And again. And again. My hands started to hurt, but Mari told me to retry regardless. I woke up to the sound of the violin and went to bed with the sound of Mari yelling at me. But I didn’t get mad at her, I understood her, after all if I was going to do anything with my life I would need to be perfect, and hopefully when the recital came around it will be perfect.
It wasn’t perfect.
One step
I messed up a few notes, and even if my parents and my friends told me that it was incredible I knew that they were lying. They just tried to be nice, Mari refused to talk to me for a full week after that. I knew I disappointed her, and I couldn’t look myself in the mirror after that, I couldn’t relieve the pain, despite trying different methods...
My parents started arguing more and more after that, they couldn’t spend two minutes in the same room without it devolving into yelling, they even started to say mean things about me, about how it was the fault of the other that I was “like that”. I couldn’t stop crying after hearing that, I thought that Mari would come and comfort me and she sure did, but it was different, it wasn’t the warmth that I was used to, it felt forced, it felt like she had to do it to be the perfect bigger sister. It only made me cry harder. A few months later she picked up drawing, probably to taunt me, she was trying to be perfect in the only domain that I could call mine, and sure enough she made better drawing then me after a few weeks. And she received all the praise again.
Two more steps
Month passed, and another recital was being organized, it was a yearly thing apparently. That time I was the one proposing to do it to Mari, if I could make it perfect then she would maybe start loving me again, but she refused. She probably didn’t care to try with me anymore.
After that not even his friends presence could cheer him up, even if they barely tried, why would they try anyway? After all the only good thing with having me as a friend was the fact that I was a good listener, a wall could be a better friend then me, because wall couldn’t get sad.
One step, just two left and it’s finished
I tried to talk to them but they were all turned me down saying that they were busy. Kel was playing basketball, Hero was studying, Aubrey was hanging out with her newly formed gang and Basil was taking care of his army of plants. And I didn’t even try to talk to Mari. I was all alone. But that's what a mistake like me deserve, mistakes need to be erased.
I look around me, I am at our hangout spot, no one is there, everything is so peaceful, the lake is calm and I prepare myself to jump in it, the plan was perfect. I put a suicide note hidden in the first page of my sketchbook, so that they wouldn’t think that I was kidnapped, and then, it will all end.
One step, just one more left
I could see my reflection in the water, I begin thinking about how each person close to me would take the news.
My parents will probably be relieved that they won’t have to care for such a trouble child anymore, and maybe they will stop fighting each other all the time.
Mari in her usual manner will probably feel sad, but not too much, it would be embarrassing. She will probably cry the perfect amount of tears at my funeral and mourn me for a perfect amount of time. Then continue her perfect life.
Hero will probably cry too, not because he loved me but because he doesn’t like seeing Mari sad, but I have faith in him, he will move on and have an amazing life with her.
Kel was a hard one, he is always smiling and loving but in a few occasions he saw him breakdown in sadness, maybe that will happen, or maybe not, Kel was strong. Stronger then what he seems. He was sure that he will get better.
Aubrey will probably be angry at me for daring to kill myself, she will probably hit some stuff, cuddle Bun-Bun, get comfort from Mari, and move on with her life.
The only person that I truly feel bad for leaving behind was Basil, he was my only real friend, and it pained him to tell him goodbye. He hoped that he won’t forget him, and he hoped his friends will comfort him. But Basil is capable, he knew that he will eventually be able to move on. He had to.
I prepare myself to take the final step but then…
Someone cleared his throat behind me