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right as she gasped in concern and wrapped her arms around his side, he teleported. to be fair, he didn’t have enough strength to get into the bathroom but at least he was in the house right? no, the girl thought. this fact became obvious to him as her eyes hardened and she slung an arm over her shoulders.
she dragged him to the bathroom where she snatched the fully stocked first aid. with a fast and hard turn of the cap to the hydrogen peroxide, she dabbed cotton balls. sitting him down on the edge of his bathtub with a silent command running in her eyes, he complied.
he sat in silence, listening to the low hum of the fluorescent lights instead of the sporadic flickering of emotions her thoughts were in. he ignored the way her hands shook as she dabbed cotton balls, before grabbing her hair in frustration and stomping out of the bathroom to get a washcloth. ignored the look in her eyes as her eyes kept flickering to him. the way she bit her lip so much that it started to bleed.
he hadn’t felt so tired in such a long time.
he didn’t know what to say but she took away the silence as she started taking off his jacket.
“what the hell is wrong with you?!” she practically screamed at him as she peeled back the bloody school uniform. he didn’t bother replying and instead, chose to sit there. he was so lucky that his parents were probably on a date today. well... one of the only things he was ever lucky for.
her hands shook as she unbuttoned his shirt to reveal scars and bruises. her eyes showed no disgust or shock. just pure anger bubbling up in the girl in front of him.
“god fucking damn it, kusuo! look at you! you’re a god damn voodoo doll or some type shit!” she gestured aggressively to his chest, the marred ripped flesh as she readied the gauze. his arms that had oh so many scars. his eyes, emotionless, kept a clear picture on her face.
he hadn’t remembered her ever looking so angry. oh wait.. yes he had. she was this angry everytime they had to keep doing this cycle.
oh how he wished he didn’t keep hurting her. he wanted her to be as happy as his other friends were. that’s why he kept sacrificing them the pain and he took the brunt of it.
but she was never happy if he took the brunt of it, ever since they were kids. she hated it, so he never did it. but he’d still hurt her.
he saw how her eyes glazed over. her eyebrows twitching as she sterilized the needle before slipping the thread through it. and he felt his empty heart drop.
why wasn’t anything good for her? if he could have everyone else happy, then why couldn’t he ever have her happy?
she brought the damp cloth to his wounds. to which he didn’t bother flinching at the sharp pain that shot through his nerves.
“kusuo... this needs to stop.”
he watched as she wiped away the blood from his wounds and cleaned them thoroughly.
“i cant.. i cant keep doing this.”
he watched as she took the sterilized needle and stitched together his skin. pulling him back together like a broken doll. her movements and stitches looking far too professional for her age.
“you need to stop doing this to yourself...”
he watched as she wrapped gauze around his body. not bothering to set his broken arm because she knew he’d just take it off later.
“i cant...”
memories flashed of a younger her crying as she put 20 bandaids on him with unskilled hands. wailing as she cried for him not to die. to which he’d say “good grief, i’m not going to die.” and it would end there with an involuntary hug. and suddenly, he felt sick to his stomach.
“i cant keep watching you try to kill yourself.”
she picked up a bandaged hand that had far too many callouses and far too many scars for someone his age. her fingers danced up his hand before placing his palm on her cheek. she looked at him and it made his heart crumble. he saw tears that threatened to roll down her face. her beautiful face that looked as if it had aged far too quickly.
he blamed himself of course, the stress he always causes her. the stress he put on her because he always kept up the promise that he would not lie to her. and she’d have to see him like this. the heartache he always caused her.
he slowly twitched fingers and shakily wiped the tears from her eyes. he wished he knew the words to say. but that job was never good for either of them. for his words never comforted her and only ever made her tears fall faster. for her words never got through to him and he’d never listen.
he should’ve said anything.
what can i do to make it up to you? what a pain, do i have to do something ridiculous for you?
please stop worrying over me go outside and calm down.
stop letting me cause you so much stress you’re going to get grey hairs.
please stop crying you should’ve ran out of tears years ago.
i promise i’ll stop you know my one bargaining chip is coffee jelly.
i’m sorry.
i love you.
but his mouth never opened. his mind never sent a thought to comfort her. no empty words. no comforting lies. nothing he hadn’t already said to her in the past. and her tears kept falling.
so he stared with dead eyes as she reached forward and sobbed into his chest. her hiccups, cries, and whispers of calling him a stupid idiot.
i’m sorry i can’t ever do anything to make you feel better.
i’m sorry i keep doing this.
i’m sorry i keep making you go through this.
“kusuo... why do you keep doing this? you don’t need to keep doing this. you don’t have to keep tearing yourself apart over and over and over and over... and... over...”
he watched as her eyes dilated and she started wailing again. at this point, she had been leaning down with her body still standing. but as the realization of how many times he’s done this, her legs gave out. her knees hitting the bathroom tiles as her arms now wrapped around his waist. he felt tears soak through his uniform pants.
everytime he teleported, a scratch would form. everytime he use fire or ice, he’d get frostbite or burns. everytime he over exerted his strength, he’d accidentally tear his skin so much; it’d form deep cuts. his healing did not work on himself, one of the only qualities that still made him human.
he had to if he wanted to keep his powers a secret. he had to because he didn’t want his friends to complain about not being about to go on that field trip. he had to because he couldn’t go out with yumehara but he didn’t want her to be alone. he had to because kaidou would get himself killed and that would be a bother for him. he had to... because he had to. nothing more. nothing less.
he never thought about the pain. no. the pain stopped mattering to him a long time ago. he’d only just mask the pain with the manipulated image of himself and project it into other’s minds. no more scars on his chest. no more wrapped kaidou-esque hands. only thing people could see was smooth clear skin.
“why do i have to go through this, saiki?”
i don’t know, i’m so sorry.
“why do you always do this?”
i don’t know, forgive me.
“why cant you just.. not have powers?”
to that, he flickered his eyes down. he stared at the shaking girl below him. why couldn’t he just not have powers? he supposed.. that’s just not how the world works.
“it’s not fair. it’s not fair. i want you to be happy. i want you to stop. why cant we just be happy?”
he could’ve said she was acting like a child but he guessed... nothing was fair. nothing about his world was ever fair. he tried so hard to change it and make things fair for himself. but it always turned out like this.
oh how he wished he could keep her out of the loop. that he could suffer like this alone. but no. she never let him.
she then put her soft hands on his cheeks and made him look down at her. he saw the desperation in her eyes. felt her hands shaking. and his head hurt.
“please stop, kusuo.”
oh how he wished he could stay true to a promise. do her one favor. grant her one wish. grabbing her hands with his own, he looked down at the girl.
he wondered how many times they’d go through this. the same hurting words. the same suffered girl. the same scars. the same cycle of hurting himself to make everyone else happy except for her. but... majority wins over minority.. right?
so he simply put his hands on her own cheeks to bring her face closer to his. he brought his lips to her forehead. a sad attempt for comfort. something that did not even begin to amount to the comfort she deserved.
she only let out strangled sobs as she wrapped her arms around his battered and bruised neck. he could now hear her cries up close. she cried as if he was dead. and he couldn’t even do anything to help her.
why did they always do this? why did he never stop? why does she stick with him? he doesn’t know.
he tries so hard to make others happy but everytime he did, he only broke her withered heart more.
it was only fitting that they always spent their moments in the white light of his bathroom. surrounded by bloody towels. bandages around them. his arms loosely wrapped around her head. his cloudy eyes staring into nothing.
he truly pitied the girl.
how he wished he could just erase her memories. just remove all memories of himself. and maybe her brain could supply her with happier ones. so she didn’t have to keep a professional knowledge on wounds anymore. so she didn’t cry every other day.
but.. he didn’t want to.
because then she would leave him.
and the mere thought of her forgetting about him was terrifying.
he wanted to think he could feel selfish.
a selfish earthly desire to keep her here and have her stay with him.
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry.
...
in his mind, he can only imagine a place where they could hold hands. where he had normal black or brunette hair. where he didn’t have to wear glasses. and he could see her smile more often. where he could see her without the green tint of his glasses. and he could kiss her without feeling the wash of guilt go over him. so they wouldn’t have to keep up their unhealthy cycle.
but.
the world wasn’t fair.
not to either of them.