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“can i get a table for two?”
he asked solemnly. he was dressed in a suit he’s only worn once in his life. he was inside a warm and cozy restaurant.
the place was bustling with people as it normally did. he looked at the kids his age laughing with their friends. he looked at the people alone on their phone sipping on their drinks.
the young woman at the counter jovially smiled at him. it reminded him of someone.
“o-kay! is it a date?”
she inquired jokingly. he felt his fingers twitch at the word.
“yes.”
“alright! i’ll show you to your table!”
there she led him to a table for two, as he requested. there were flowers adorned on the table, he assumed this was a table especially made for dates. he took his seat and the woman smiled at him.
“would you like a drink while you wait?”
“water please.”
“comin right up!”
she walked off and he stared at the chair in front of him. his eyes wandered around at the people around him.
it was far too loud for the thoughts in his head. everyone’s thoughts were swirling all around him and he could not stand it. the suit was stuffy so he took off the jacket.
as he hung the jacket on his chair, he knew he’d get scolded for that. he smiled at the thought.
half an hour passed and he received his water. the condensation was dripping down the glass and onto the table as he heard the people’s thoughts. he took a small sip every now and then ass he listened to them.
“did he get stood up?”
“i’m sorry man, you deserve better.”
“he’s dressed so nicely, i feel bad for whoever left him like that.”
the waitress swung back around with a pity smile as she asked if he wanted an appetizer. he stopped before he ordered. bringing up a finger, he gestured to another drink. surprising the waitress as she pulled back out her note pad.
“can i get a glass of that?”
it was a drink he would never get. a drink that was far too outlandish for his tastes. a drink that…
“oh! okay… anything else?”
as she mumbled the drink name, he flipped through the menu for a moment. looking at his options, they all looked fine. the pork cutlet caught his eye. but he wasn’t here for that. his hand was brought up as he skipped to the desserts.
he barely read the options before stating what he wanted.
“can i get two cakes?”
the waitress tried to mask her surprise as she scribbled down the order on her notepad. she chuckled nervously before looking back down at him.
“no dinner huh?”
“no.”
“hm.. alright.”
she leaves him and he’s back to looking around the restaurant once again. the lights were perfectly dimmed. his eyes glazed over the couples happily enjoying their food.
his collar felt too tight. and no matter how much of his water he drank, his throat still felt raspy.
exhaustion filled his body as he felt his non feeling lips tremble.
(stop that. not now.)
he stared at the chair with dead eyes.
it’s empty.
there’s no beautiful girl laughing.
there’s no girl with excited eyes looking over the food.
no exuberant pointing to the different items on the menu.
there’s nothing.
nothing except for him and this god awful feeling.
…
he’s alone.
…
somehow that isn’t the only thing that hurts.
the woman came back with the order 10 minutes later. she’s about to put the drink and both of the cakes on his side before he held a hand out.
the waitress blinked owlishly as she held one of the cakes and the drink. he hesitates but says the words with a slight waver. his eyes not leaving the ever so apparent empty seat in front of him.
“could you… put one of the cakes and the drink over there?”
he gestured to the other side of the table and the empty coaster. the woman’s eyes widen and soften with understanding. she wordlessly placed the cake in front of the chair and delicately placed the drink on the coaster.
her hands unwrap the silver ware and places it by the plate. she looks back at him when she puts the straw in the drink.
“would you like candles for tonight, sir?”
she asked quietly.
he felt like he was being stared at by everyone. and he felt her eyes were picking him apart. but he found no more pity in them.
(none in her thoughts either)
“yes, thank you.”
the woman nodded and walked off.
he stared at the two cakes. he wasn’t specific enough in ordering and he didn’t know that the cakes would come with ice cream on top.
he stared at the slowly melting ice cream and thought back to this morning.
…
his parents greeted him before he left the house to go to school. his father looked concerned at him and his mother was fumbling with her own hands.
“ku… are you going to be okay?”
“yeah son, you can stay home if you’d like. we all know it’s….”
his father not finishing the sentence because that would make it real. make it too real. because he couldn’t even handle it in the first place.
their thoughts were swimming in concern for him and in mourning. he could see their slightly cloudy eyes. and he knew he couldn’t concern them like that. not now. not today.
(but it hurts. it hurts so much. he can’t feel anything. everything feels so numb. there’s absolutely nothing and it hurts. it hurts. it hurts)
(please help me)
“yeah… i’ll be alright.”
he unfeeling voice stated.
his parents looked concerned at eachother before timidly smiling at him.
“you can call us anytime if you want to come back.”
“i will.”
with one foot out the door, he watched his parents wave him goodbye. his arms ached for their arms around him. the comforting feeling of his parents. but he ignored the animalistic feeling and closed the door.
…
“hey saiki!”
kaidou said happily as he strolled up next to the boy. the pink haired boy muttered a simple hello and the other went into another tangent about dark reunion. he had a carefree smile as he talked about his next conquest.
but his thoughts gave him away.
“today is the anniversary of her…”
the bags under the boy’s eyes also was a dead giveaway.
sitting at his desk, kaidou lingered next to him. talking to him with a smile. he cocked his head at the boy, at the faux smile.
(and it made him upset. because this was his friend. and he shouldn’t be acting like everything was fine. because it wasn’t.)
“it’s fine.”
he muttered. kaidou paused in his mostly one sided conversation.
“you don’t have to act like today isn’t substantial for you.”
he wasn’t looking at him, preferring to stare out the window. it was silent between the two of them. before kaidou’s smile slowly melted away into a small sad grin. his eyes lowered and averted to the side.
“you always know, don’t you saiki?”
(yeah, and it hurt.)
“i guess so.”
silence stretched between the two. blanketing the conversation in a dull but comforting feeling.
“you need to sleep more.”
“was it that obvious?”
a flustered kaidou scratched the back of his neck.
“you look like hell and you almost walked into the door coming in.”
“s-saiki! what the heck?!”
the even more flustered boy staggered back at the prospect of being called out. saiki felt a twitch in the corner of his mouth. coughing into his hand, the boy found his rebound.
“w-well! it was obviously the work of dark reunion. you’re falling under their spell saiki.”
his voice tried to become gruffer as he dramatically put a hand over his eye.
saiki smiled, when the boy wasn’t looking.
…
“are you sure about this saiki?”
the blue haired girl softly asked as she walked down the sidewalk with him. stares turned toward her but knew she didn’t want to be bothered. which he was glad for, as he definitely did not want to be hounded. not today especially.
“i am.”
they lapsed back into silence. it was always hard to hold into a conversation with the girl. but her thoughts seemed to be down trodden and did not want to be bothered much.
they both carried bouquets in their hands. carefully picked out minutes earlier. their steps jostling the fragile flowers.
every so often, he saw her bite her lip. tears wavered in her eyes. and her fingers clutched the flowers a little too tightly.
(she must’ve loved her a lot-)
“no! my darling saiki can’t see me like this!”
she’d then put on a fragile smile. a smile that was as fragile as the flowers in their hands. he didn’t open his mouth to say anything to the perfect girl.
they reached their destination and set down the flowers. she took out incense and lit them next to the grave stone. he carefully cleaned the old flowers that were left there a few weeks ago. bouquets other than theirs being found, placed that day also.
they both stood straight and said their prayers.
(that he was so sorry. that he couldn’t do anything more for her. that he regretted everything.)
(that she never got to tell her her feelings. never got to say hold her hand in the way she wanted.)
they both sat down next to the grave and teruhashi pulled out something from her pocket. as she was setting it down, saiki could see what it was.
“you got… her a cake.”
teruhashi bitterly smiled as she made sure it wasn’t ruined.
“yeah.. it was..”
she inhaled from her nose and he could see her hands starting to shake as she turned the pastry in her hands.
“it was her favorite…”
she finally unwrapped the cake and set it down. a shaky breath was let out as she stared at the dessert. it’s innocent frosting laughing at the two teens.
“and i never…. i never got her one.”
he could see her bite the inside of her cheek.
“i never… got her a cake. i never got her her favorite cake.”
she hunched over and he could see the tears roll down her cheeks. his eyes only stared with emptiness at the cake.
“why didn’t i ever give her one?! why didn’t i?! why not?!”
she sobbed out at the word as saliva dribbled out of her lips as she cried. salty tears mixing down her face as her hands pulled on her bangs.
“what’s wrong with me?! why didn’t i ever do her that much?!”
she cried and it hurt. it made his heart lurch at the sound of her sobs. at the sound of her thoughts berating herself. that she couldn’t cry in front of him. but she couldn’t help it.
it made his arms slowly wrap around her. her head under his chin as he leaned down to accommodate to her hunching figure on the concrete.
“it’s okay.”
she choked on her words as she blubbered out empty responses.
“you can cry if you want to.”
“i’m not gonna leave.”
she groaned and let out painful sobs that wracked her body. she was not perfect. not the perfect angel who shed perfect tears in class when her death was announced. not the perfect girl who comforted others after her death.
“saikiiiii… i miss her so much.”
she was a girl mourning like everyone else.
(he knew that she loved them both. knew that she loved him. loved her. he was terrible.)
when she was done crying to her heart’s content, he pulled out his handkerchief. she did not blush at him holding her chin up as he wiped her tears. was not embarrassed when he wiped her snot and saliva.
and he did not feel disgusted when he folded the handkerchief and put it back in his pocket.
they were now sitting pushed up next to eachother. her arms holding his, clutching like a lifeline. they stared at the last of the ashes from the incense.
“i’m sorry, saiki. you shouldn’t have to see me like that.”
her tired and croaky voice stated.
“it’s fine. you’re allowed to be upset just like everyone else.”
he saw tears well up in her eyes as she squeezed his arm.
they walked back to school, now positively late to class. obviously overusing the lunch time they had. but they both walked like they had all the time in the world.
…
he thought back to all of his friends. to kuboyasu’s heightened anger that had to be quelled by kaidou and nendou.
nendou’s more sodden attitude than usual.
chiyo’s more quiet and reserved looks throughout the day.
mera’s silent cries when she thought she was alone.
kaidou’s faux smile.
teruhashi’s sobs.
the waitress came back with the candles. with the wax slowly melting, he looked back down at his melted ice cream and cake.
he felt his lip tremble once again.
he picked up his spoon and slowly scooped some of the soupy mess onto the utensil.
slowly lifting it to his mouth, he felt the chocolate from the cake mix with the vanilla from the ice cream. the comforting taste made him remember.
“you should never talk like that to your friends!”
“don’t you ever feel sad sometimes? you should show it if you are.”
“does it hurt, saiki?”
“i’m sorry, saiki.”
“don’t remember me like this saiki.”
“be happy when i’m gone, ‘kay?”
“be there for our friends.”
“be sad sometimes, be happy sometimes.”
“i don’t believe ya, you gotta be feeling something for our friends.”
“don’t look at me like that, saiki.”
“hey…”
“let’s eat out again. i’m dying for some cake.”
(i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry.)
he felt tears roll down his cheeks as he ate more of the melted mixture. it hurt, it hurt, it hurts so fucking much. god. he misses her smile. he misses her voice. if he could go back, he’d do it all different.
it hurts. i love you. i’m sorry.
it tastes so good. he felt starved, not having ate anything but this. only having ate his feelings, being pushed to nothing. not showing emotion.
(he apologized for that again.)
he cried more into his arm. not being able to breathe. he breathed out heartache. his eyes drowned in the dull and heavy feeling that blanketed his entire being after she died.
god he misses her.
his eyes saw her empty chair and he could almost see her smiling at him. that stupid smile. happily eating her melted ice cream because there was cake. because he got it for her.
and she always appreciated whatever he gave her.
“thank you, saiki!”
her figure was smeared once again as the tears soaked into the sleeve of his button up.
god it hurts.