Chapter Text
It’s not long after Levi’s third expedition that Erwin first notices that something is wrong. He has the chance to see Levi briefly right after they get back within the walls, as the horses are being stabled, the wounded are hurried away, and the remaining surviving soldiers are starting to disperse for the evening. Levi’s standing in the midst of all this activity, on the far side of the stables from where Erwin is, with his cape bundled under one arm and his chest and shoulder straps half-unbuckled. Even from a distance, Erwin can see the look of numb exhaustion on his face. He almost calls out to Levi, impulsively, but just then one of the squad leaders runs over to him with the news that a handful of soldiers are unexpectedly unaccounted for. It turns out to be a false alarm, fortunately, but by the time Erwin has the chance to remember Levi again, he’s nowhere to be seen.
Their paths don’t cross again until several days later. Erwin happens to be passing by the soldiers’ mess hall when he catches a glimpse of Levi sitting alone at one of the tables inside. He stops, looks a little more closely. It’s not Erwin’s usual way to be so blunt, but the first thought that pops into his mind is: He looks like shit. Levi looks just as worn out as the last time Erwin saw him, even though it’s the middle of the day and Erwin knows that most of the soldiers haven’t been worked too hard since the expedition. Levi’s gazing dully at the mug in front of him on the table, and doesn’t notice Erwin.
Before the day is over, he requests that Levi be sent to his office. Erwin only partly expects him to show up – Levi’s still wary around him, and he still has a tendency to test the limits of how much the Survey Corps will let him get away with – but, to his surprise, Levi’s there only a little while after Erwin sends for him.
Erwin invites him inside, gestures for him to sit. Then he looks at Levi, searching for the same things that had bothered him earlier. Something is still wrong. Levi’s meeting his gaze with annoyance – Erwin knows that in a few seconds he’ll demand to know what he's been called here for – but there’s still a shadow of exhaustion over his features, as if he hasn’t rested properly in a long time. Even more troubling, his clothes and hair look uncharacteristically messy, something Erwin isn't sure if he's ever even seen before.
“How are you doing?” Erwin asks.
“You called me up here to ask how I’m doing?” Levi sounds scornful but not particularly surprised.
Erwin presses on, keeping his tone unchallenging. “How was the expedition?”
Levi hesitates. His posture doesn’t change – he’s still sprawled insolently in the chair, trying a little too hard to look as if he doesn’t care what Erwin has to say – but something shifts in his expression, for just a second. Ah, Erwin thinks.
“We were too slow,” says Levi at last. “We lost some people on my side of the formation just because the others weren’t ready.”
He eyes Erwin as if he expects to be reprimanded for speaking badly of his fellow soldiers. But the truth is that Erwin’s delighted, though it would be inappropriate and unprofessional to let it show. It’s good that Levi had a keen eye for errors – not that Erwin would expect differently from him by this point, really – and good that he’s willing to share his insights. Erwin can make use of these qualities when the time to plan for the next journey outside the walls rolls around.
“Everything went quite well, overall,” he says. It’s the truth. They had been able to make it to a region that had been out of reach during past expeditions, and Erwin’s been told that a few squads had managed record numbers of Titan kills. And in total, there had only been six soldiers lost with a few more injured, none too seriously at that. At this stage in Erwin’s career, he's aware that those are very good numbers. “I’ve heard you did good work. Be proud of that.”
Levi scoffs disbelievingly, gaze flicking away from Erwin. His mouth twists, but he says nothing.
Erwin watches him, troubled. He knows how high the burnout rate for new recruits is, but it hadn’t occurred to him to worry about that for Levi. Though, he thinks now, maybe he should have known better. Life in the Survey Corps is a hard adjustment for everyone, and Levi has already lost friends outside the walls.
A few more seconds of uncomfortable silence go by, until at last Erwin clears his throat. “Is there anything that you need, Levi?”
Levi’s eyes are back on him in an instant, scrutinizing. “What?”
“Ah.” It hadn’t sounded like such a strange question in Erwin’s head, but… He presses on anyway, trying to speak delicately. “It’s still only recently that you joined us. And I…” He finds himself taking note of the dark circles under Levi’s eyes, the rigid set of his shoulders. “If you’re having any difficulties, I’d like to know.”
Levi scowls. “Difficulties,” Erwin hears him repeat under his breath. He’s still pushing it – any other new recruit would have gotten a few choice words about respect by now, at least – but Levi is different, and Erwin’s given up trying to pretend otherwise. So he waits, until Levi finally spits out, “No. Nothing.”
It’s not “nothing”, obviously. Erwin can tell from Levi’s worn-out appearance, the way that his words and his body are tense in a way that has nothing to do with his annoyance with the conversation.
Erwin has one more card to play, even though he’s reluctant to humiliate Levi, especially if he's in a bad state already. “In any case, soldiers are expected to meet certain standards of presentation.”
“What are you saying?” Levi scowls.
Erwin meets his gaze with the standard bland-but-firm expression he saves for times like this. “You need to make sure that you’re clean and neatly dressed.” He can’t resist adding: “Especially when you’re summoned by someone who outranks you.”
The look Levi gives him is utterly scathing. “What? You’re telling me that? You should see some of the others, I don’t think the person riding next to me during the expedition had changed his uniform in a week...”
Erwin says nothing, just sits and watches Levi sputter indignantly. Levi’s more animated now than Erwin’s seen him since before the expedition, and it’s a fine thing to see. Anger – or embarrassment – brings just the slightest hint of a blush to his cheeks.
“…And do you even know what the showers are like? Mold fucking everywhere. It’s disgusting...”
“Well, keep what I’m saying in mind,” says Erwin.
-
Three days after that, Erwin is passing by the stables when he overhears an argument. One of the voices Erwin can’t place. The other belongs to Levi, of course.
He walks towards the sound of their voices, coming around a corner to see Levi facing off against a woman that Erwin recognizes as a soldier somewhere in between himself and Levi in rank.
“It doesn’t matter who you are,” the soldier is saying, sounding as if this is something she’s been trying to get across for at least the last ten minutes or so. “It’s the same for everyone, Levi, there are limits – oh, excuse me, sir.”
At her last words, Levi’s head snaps around in the direction of her gaze, to where Erwin’s standing. Even at a glance, Erwin can see that Levi hasn’t improved since their discussion. He still looks tired and disheveled, maybe even more so than before. Erwin can also see that Levi’s been keeping himself busy. He’s wearing a set of the harnesses used for maneuvering gear, and his face and clothing are stained with dust and fresh sweat. Levi says nothing when he sees Erwin, but his eyes go wide with surprise for a split second, before his expression sours again.
“What’s the problem?” Erwin asks.
The soldier – Erwin can’t quite remember her name, she’s not someone he usually works with directly – huffs an aggrieved sigh. “He’s been in the gear since early this morning, practicing like the walls are going to come down tomorrow. No one else is out there right now, and he didn’t even stop when it was time to eat. I’ve been telling him that this is unacceptable, but…” She trails off, but the looks she and Levi exchange say it all.
“It’s none of your damn business.” Levi sounds every bit as fed up with this debate as the other soldier does. “Why the fuck are you telling me not to practice, anyway? If that’s the way you do things here, no wonder we can’t go outside without losing half a fucking squad each time!“
The woman opens her mouth to speak, furious, but Erwin moves first. He quickly steps forward until he’s close enough that he can grab Levi by the arm, yanking Levi around to look at him. “That’s enough.” Erwin turns his attention to the other soldier, though he takes care to keep his grip when Levi automatically tries to pull away. “Let me take care of this. You can go.”
“Yes, sir.” The soldier nods her understanding and leaves them, visibly relieved.
A few other soldiers are lingering at the far end of the stables, watching them curiously. It’s no place to have a private conversation, and Erwin’s determined to get to the bottom of whatever it is that’s to blame for this change in Levi. He starts towards the closest building, taking Levi with him.
“What the fuck?” Levi snarls.
“We’re going to talk. Can you manage that much without acting like a disrespectful child?”
Levi seethes. He’s still resisting, but only weakly. He’s too proud to put up an undignified struggle under circumstances like these, for which Erwin is grateful. He probably wouldn’t be able to hang onto Levi if the man really tried to get away. As it is, he’s able to steer them both into an empty room, before letting Levi go. Levi pulls away as soon as he can, glaring at Erwin, his mouth pressed into a tight line. There’s indignation in his eyes, but also weariness, and something like hurt. Despite his frustration, for a fleeting second Erwin finds himself pitying Levi more than anything else, wishing that he could gentle Levi into relaxing, into telling Erwin what’s on his mind.
But there’s no place for pity here, and Erwin knows that Levi understands that just as well as he does, so there’s nothing gentle in Erwin’s voice when he speaks.
“What was all that, Levi?”
“Nothing,” Levi answers, jaw clenched. He’s making some kind of effort to control his emotions, Erwin thinks, but it’s hardly enough. Levi’s gaze darts around the room as if he’s an animal in a cage. He looks directly at Erwin’s face only for a second, but it’s apparently long enough for him to understand that Erwin won’t be satisfied with such a short answer. Levi makes an annoyed noise – somewhere between a sigh and a groan – and speaks again, grudgingly. “I wasn’t trying to start anything, I'm serious. But she wouldn’t leave it alone. I don’t know what the fuck her problem was, but…”
“An officer gave you an order, and you ignored her?”
“A fucking stupid order,” Levi mutters.
Erwin draws himself up, giving Levi a look that makes the other man pause. “I’ve been very patient with you, Levi,” he says. “But I won’t hear you disrespect another soldier. Not to mention the way you spoke earlier about your comrades who gave their lives outside the walls..."
Levi's expression darkens even further, but he's holding his tongue now.
"If you can’t be civil, we’ll be done here," Erwin continues. "Is that what you want?” Levi is special, and Erwin has been lenient with him before, but today enough is enough.
Levi says nothing, sullenly looking away from Erwin once more.
“Try again,” Erwin orders.
“I don’t know.” Levi’s tone is still nothing like the one he should be using with someone of Erwin’s rank, but he sounds more weary and frustrated than purely defiant. “I don’t know why she gave a shit what I was doing in the first place. I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
Erwin thinks back to what the other soldier had said to him. “For how long?”
Levi gives an irritable little half-shrug. “I don’t know. A while. I could have gone longer. And I wasn’t bothering anybody, either.”
His words sound genuine and unguarded, at last. Levi really doesn’t understand why he’s in trouble, Erwin thinks, and he feels another brief, ill-advised, burst of pity. “There are rules about using the gear,” he says. “You aren’t supposed to train for more than a couple of hours without resting, especially not alone. It’s not safe, and it’s not good for your body.”
“That’s nothing,” Levi scoffs. “We could go all afternoon without a break back on the street, easy. I was just getting started back there."
Erwin wonders about that – using the maneuvering gear seriously becomes grueling after only a short time, even for experienced soldiers, but on the other hand, surely if anyone could handle the strain it would probably be Levi. In any case, it seems wisest not to challenge Levi about this particular point right now. “All the same,” he says instead. “You need to follow the same rules as everybody else.”
“I can’t believe you don’t want me to practice,” Levi insists stubbornly. “You need better soldiers. I can’t be the only one who gets that, not after the last couple of times…”
The last part is added with a little less vehemence, almost an afterthought, but it makes Erwin’s ears perk up. That had been the substance of Levi’s ruder comments earlier, too, as well as something he had mentioned in Erwin’s office the other day.
“You want to get stronger for the expeditions?” Erwin asks.
Levi stiffens, and for a second Erwin expects him to reject Erwin's words automatically. “Yeah,” Levi mutters at last.
Erwin gives him an encouraging smile. “That’s very good, Levi. You’ve already distinguished yourself, it’s wonderful that you’d like to improve even more.”
Levi grimaces self-consciously, something Erwin’s fairly sure that he does without meaning to. It’s quite endearing. “It’s just that it’s not working,” he says quietly. “The way we’re doing things now.”
“Is that really what you think?”
Levi studies Erwin for a moment, as if he’s trying to get a sense of whether or not the question is some kind of trap. Erwin keeps his face blank.
At last, Levi lets his gaze drop. “I don’t know,” he says at last. His voice is quiet, and his eyes are focused on some point far away. “There has to be something better than this.”
Erwin’s heart could have broken for him, back when Erwin himself had been young and new to the Corps, before he had witnessed so many other soldiers struggle to come to terms with their grim circumstances that it was no longer remarkable. Now, as he studies Levi – Levi, who’s still new enough to it all that he’s unable to accept even a few casualties during the course of an expedition, who’s taken it on himself to get strong enough to save everyone – his instinctive, despicable, first reaction is to wonder whether or not Levi’s current state will hurt his performance outside the walls.
“Everyone’s doing their part,” he says at last. “Our men and women stay in top form, and you’ll see that after you’ve been with us a little longer. And myself and the squad leaders have already created all kinds of strategies to improve our outcomes in the field.”
It’s the kind of weak statements and vague optimism that might work for civilians, but even as he speaks, Erwin knows that it’s nowhere near sufficient for this situation. Levi, for his part, doesn’t look convinced in the slightest.
“Anyway,” Erwin finishes, when he doesn’t get a response from Levi. “No more training all day, and no more disrespect. If something like this happens again, I won’t intervene. You’ll be punished just like anybody else.”
Levi’s still slightly turned away, but Erwin is fairly sure he sees him roll his eyes.
“And also,” Erwin adds. “You haven’t listened to me about cleaning yourself up.”
That’s enough to earn him Levi’s full attention again, complete with a bitter glare. “I’ve been training!” Levi insists, aggrieved. “All day, that’s what this was about, wasn’t it? And then you dragged me in here out of fucking nowhere.”
Erwin reaches out, without thinking at all. His hand is on Levi’s head, fingers carding through Levi’s dark hair before he quite realizes exactly what he’s doing.
“And when was the last time you washed your hair?” He’s only barely paying attention to his own words, distracted by the curve of Levi’s skull beneath his palm.
Levi inhales sharply and jerks away, staring wide-eyed up at Erwin. He looks torn between disbelief, offense, and apprehension, and Erwin can just make out a hint of color high on his cheeks. His mouth works silently for a few seconds before he finally speaks.
“I’m not dirty,” Levi hisses. It sounds a little weak. His eyes are locked with Erwin’s.
Erwin swallows. He lets his hand fall. “I told you,” he says, his own voice none too firm, knowing that he’s repeating himself but feeling the overwhelming need to say something, to snap things back to normal again. “Make sure that you’re remembering to wash regularly.”
“You-!” For a second, Erwin wonders if Levi is about to hit him. He’s angry – whether it’s about the touch or the insult to his hygiene, Erwin isn’t quite sure – but he’s still staring at Erwin, as if he can’t tear himself away. “I do,” he says at last. “But the showers are a fucking dump, I told you, and you can’t get privacy for five damn seconds no matter where you are, and I hardly have any time in the first place.”
Erwin can’t interrupt, not even to remind Levi that it’s mostly by his own choice that he’s so overworked. He finds that he’s feeling worried for Levi now, genuinely worried, and he’s not sure what to do to make things better.
“And there’s practically no point, anyway,” Levi finishes. He raises his hands helplessly, and then lets them drop again, chest almost heaving with emotion. “Because I just get filthy again, before I even have time to turn around. Nothing ever fucking changes, no matter what I do.”
“Ah,” Erwin says. There, again, is the overwhelming urge to just say something, even though he doesn’t really know what. This time, though, it’s for a very different reason than when he had absently stroked Levi’s hair only moments earlier.
Levi, for his part, seems to be calming down. He looks surprised by his own outburst, and a little abashed.
“Shit,” Erwin hears him mutter under his breath. “Sorry.”
Erwin shakes his head, gathering his thoughts. “It’s all right,” he says, hoping that he can give Levi whatever it is he needs to hear right now. “I can remember back when I joined, too. We made the best of it, I suppose, but it was hardly pleasant.”
Levi half-nods, half-shrugs.
After a moment, Erwin starts towards the door. There’s no point to continuing the conversation - Levi’s certainly ready to be done, and it seems as if the only thing Erwin can do right now is upset him further. He’s still turning it all over in his mind: Levi’s words, Erwin’s memories of his own time many years ago as a new member of the Corps, his own ever-present misgivings about what he and Levi and all the rest of them have signed up for.
It’s then that the thought enters his mind, unbidden and strange and much more inappropriate then touching Levi’s hair for a second. But perhaps…
“Levi?” Erwin asks.
Levi had looked away from him again, lost in his own unhappy thoughts, but now he turns obediently back to Erwin, face tired and worn.
“I have my own bath,” Erwin finds himself saying. “It’s nothing special, but it’s large, and clean, and probably better than the showers.”
He’s got Levi’s attention for sure now. There’s a much fainter version of the incredulous and wary look from earlier on his face, but he looks curious, too.
“I’d let you come by and use it, if you wanted,” Erwin continues. “Would you like that?”
“In your room?” Levi says slowly. Erwin can see him turning the idea over in his mind.
“My apartment, really. I have a few rooms to myself. You’d have all the privacy you need, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Levi is silent for a moment. Then, suddenly: “What time?”
“Time?” Erwin stumbles for a second, caught off-guard. Even as he had made the offer, he hadn’t really believed that Levi would actually agree. “Oh. Any time you want. The evening would be most convenient for me – that is, if you meant today…”
‘That’s fine,” Levi cuts him off. “Tonight is fine.”
“Oh.” Erwin says again. “All right. I’ll wait for you, then.”
Levi nods, and then he’s out the door without another word. By the time it occurs to Erwin that this is probably more improper behavior – surely the rest of his men would ask permission to leave a meeting first, even a rather unorthodox meeting like this one – the only thing left of Levi is the fading sound of his footsteps.