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Jay is generally not a liar, therefore, he’s not gonna lie. His initial reaction to being locked into a closet wasn’t great, exactly. But it was definitely better than Sunghoon’s.
Sunghoon, who banged the door with his fists, only to still in shock at Jungwon’s final words, before literally throwing his shoulder against the door in an attempt to… break it, Jay would guess?
“Sunghoon-ah…,” he interrupts after Sunghoon has thrown himself against the hardwood for the fourth time, “I don’t think we’re getting out anytime soon.”
He doesn’t get a verbal reply, but Jay supposes Sunghoon acknowledges his words by sinking down to the floor and covering his face with his hands instead of breaking any precious body parts. But Jay still isn’t sure what to do, or how to address the apparent reason as to why they’re stuck in the closet in the first place.
Hah! Jay’s brain very unhelpfully points out, Why they’re stuck in the closet in the first place…
Although, as to whether Jay - or Sunghoon for that matter - are in a metaphorical closet or not (since they’re definitely in a physical one), Jay isn’t sure. All the members are aware that both of them are bisexual, and Jay had told Sunghoon months and months before I-Land, when he figured it out himself.
“Hey,” Jay tries again, wringing his hands as he tries to figure out what the hell to say. “You know we don’t actually have to…”
“‘Make gross kissing noises’ to get out? It sure sounded like we have to.”
Jay swallows against the sudden lump in his throat. Sunghoon still isn’t looking at him, and the words came out unnaturally hostile for Sunghoon’s normally quite gentle speech. Jay can’t say that he’s put a lot of thought into what it would be like to kiss Sunghoon, definitely not, and he doesn’t think that Sunghoon has spent their friendship imagining kissing Jay either, but…
Jay is generally not a liar. So he admits to himself that Sunghoon’s words kind of sting, and he’s genuinely a little bit offended that Sunghoon seems to think that kissing Jay would be that bad. But Jay doesn’t know how to respond, so he leans against the nearest wardrobe and bites his lip and throws his arms around himself, as he settles for waiting the others out in an awkward silence.
Sunghoon says nothing, face still hidden behind slender fingers, and Jay doesn’t really want to look at him but also how can he not . Watching Sunghoon’s chest rise and fall with his breath and the way his toes are wiggling and his hair is scrunched up against the door at the back of his head isn’t a great pastime, but it stops Jay from ripping his own hair out, or worse, asking Sunghoon something embarrassing like ‘would it be so terrible to kiss me?’.
But while Jay is generally not a liar, he is embarrassing. Which is why the question actually leaves his lips, as soon as it forms in his mind, and he’s helpless to prevent it. Jay doesn’t even realize he spoke it out loud until Sunghoon’s huge eyes are suddenly turned on him, as his pale cheeks rapidly bloom in shades of pink and red at the same rate Jay’s heart is currently beating inside his chest.
“I…,” is all Sunghoon can say, before Jay interrupts him and throws himself at the door to bang his fist against it once more.
“No!” he exclaims, absolutely refusing to hear whatever pitiful reply his best friend will give him, “don’t even say anything. Yang Jungwon! Sunoo-yah!”
Jay doesn’t know how many times his fists hit the unbudging surface before he gives up. There’s no reply from the other side, not even a giggle, and the thought strikes him that the others might not even remain inside the dorm.
“Jay-ah,” Sunghoon says, and Jay has to close his eyes. He doesn’t want to look at Sunghoon, doesn’t want to see regretful eyes or comforting words, he just wants to get out. Jay hasn’t been daydreaming about Sunghoon’s lips, or imagined what they would feel like against his own, but he is now since the scenario was planted in his brain, and he’s actually feeling hurt by the fact that Sunghoon so clearly wants nothing of the sort. He didn’t even stop to think about it, Jay thinks with a pang! inside his chest, and throws his fists against the door once more for good measure.
“Jongseong-ah,” Sunghoon tries again, and it’s so gentle, and Jay knows this is what rejection sounds like. He didn’t even confess, didn’t even ask for a kiss or anything of the sort, didn’t even have a crush, but circumstances put him in this horrible situation anyway. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Jay snorts, but says nothing. Sunghoon is standing now, he realizes, the ghost of another human being behind Jay as he leans into the door and tries to evaporate into thin air. Screw being an idol if it means dealing with this kind of embarrassment.
“I really didn’t mean it like that,” Sunghoon insists and puts his hand on Jay’s shoulder to turn him around. He doesn’t succeed; Jay stubbornly stays put with his forehead against the wood, but at least he doesn’t remove the hand. “Of course it wouldn’t be terrible to kiss you. You’re handsome and super attentive and gentle, and we’re… friends.”
Jay still has no idea what to say, so he stays quiet and tries to calm his racing heart. Maybe he’s overreacting, it wouldn’t be the first time. Sunghoon is usually level-headed, careful, disciplined. Jay doesn’t know his best friend as someone to hurt others, whether with or without intention, and he’s just gonna have to suck this up so it won’t affect anyone but Jay’s own, fragile pride.
“We’re friends,” Sunghoon repeats, but he’s careful now, Jay notes. “Right?”
“What?” Jay blurts out, head whipping around to meet Sunghoon’s uncertain eyes. “Of course we’re friends, what are you even saying?”
“I don’t know, you know I hate it when you’re mad at me!”
“I’m not mad at you, stupid!”
“You are, don’t deny it!”
“Well, maybe I am!” Jay proclaims finally, because he’s generally not a liar. “Maybe it stung a bit to hear you so readily refuse to kiss me, but I’ve had my pride hurt before and I’ll get over it, Sunghoon-ah, I promise you. You not wanting to kiss me isn’t the end of the world, I just…”
“...just?”
Jay doesn’t reply, and instead turns back towards the door to bang his head against it this time. His intentions aren’t to bang hard enough to open the door this time, though, but to give himself a sizable enough concussion to forget this conversation ever took place.
“I-I didn’t mean to…,” Sunghoon all but stutters, and Jay’s stomach turns on himself for making Sunghoon so uncomfortable. This isn’t how they’re supposed to be around each other; not awkward like the initial few moments, and not so damn uncomfortable as they are right now. He doesn’t like it one bit, and actually considers giving Jungwon the cold shoulder a day or two when he finally gets out. “Jay, listen to me.”
“‘m listening,” Jay mumbles in reply, and wonders if he will regret the decision to stop banging his head so he can hear what Sunghoon wants to say.
“I’m sorry,” Sunghoon apologizes again, unnecessarily, because what could he ever do that Jay wouldn’t forgive him for? “I didn’t mean that it would be horrible to kiss you. I don’t think that, I don’t… I don’t think that.”
Jay pauses, waits for Sunghoon to continue, but he doesn’t.
“Alright,” Jay says instead, “I get it, like I said, it’s not a big deal.”
And then they say nothing. At all. Jay stays put against the door, eyes closed and arms crossed, Sunghoon somewhere behind him, just as quiet. When Jake opens the door God knows how much later, Jay walks out without a word to either him or Sunghoon. He passes Jungwon and Riki in the kitchen on his way outside and doesn’t look at either of them, barely slows down to put his shoes on, before he’s out the door.
***
The days that pass after that are… unmatched, in the ways of the dorm. Jay is a lot quieter than normal, makes sure everyone is dressed and fed and showered as usual, but it’s without the little quips and smiles that the members are used to around him. He avoids Sunghoon and Jungwon both, definitely not being mean or cruel in any way, but little things like how he doesn’t sit next to them without another member in between, or he chooses the car without either - preferably both - of them, and he spends more time with his airpods in than not.
They all know it’s temporary, though. At least, Jay thinks they know that. His pride is a fragile thing as they’ve all been made aware, and while Jay doesn’t hold a grudge forever he sure can for a little bit. It isn’t until Jay steps out of the shower after practice a few days after the incident to find a text from Jake telling him that Sunghoon is crying and Jay needs to fix this, whatever it is because it’s about damn time... that Jay figures maybe he should talk to Sunghoon again.
So he dries his hair quickly and throws on the sweats he brought before stepping out to find Sunghoon in his bunk, Jake kind of awkwardly patting his head beside him. Jay has to stop himself from snorting. Then Jake spots him, says something to Sunghoon, before standing up and leaving them alone. Jay feels his heartbeat quicken in nervous anticipation, because he’s not sure how this conversation will play out.
“Sunghoon-ah,” he says anyway, before climbing the ladder to where Sunghoon is mostly hidden under his duvet. Jay’s heart clenches in his chest as he takes notice of how Sunghoon’s body is lightly shaking, and he takes a deep breath before laying down behind Sunghoon and wrapping both arm and leg around the slightly taller boy. “I’m sorry, Hoonie, I’m sorry I’ve been so mean to you.”
Jay can’t see further than the hair in Sunghoon’s neck and half an inch of jawbone, but he can hear the sob that rips out of Sunghoon’s lungs, and he can feel the way Sunghoon’s body curls in on himself as if to stop the noises from escaping him.
“I’m so sorry,” Jay repeats, because it’s all he can think as he feels himself drown in guilt for hurting Sunghoon enough for him to react like this. “I said it was fine and then behaved like an ass anyway. You did nothing wrong, Sunghoon-ah, I promise. I’m so childish to punish you for one stupid remark about not wanting to kiss me. I’m really sorry.”
“You--” Sunghoon starts, but it’s so shaky that he needs to stop and take a deep breath before he can go on. Jay daringly searches for Sunghoon’s hand, and suddenly it’s there, taking his own, and Jay thinks that maybe they will be alright. “You’re not childish, Jay-ah. I am, look at me.”
“You’re not childish for crying,” Jay insists, because he firmly believes that everyone needs to cry, regardless of gender or age or other irrelevant things. “Don’t be stupid.”
Sunghoon almost, almost laughs at that, and Jay feels the relief sneak up on him.
“I never told you,” Sunghoon replies instead of continuing their bicker, and Jay halts both in motion and thought. “I didn’t… I was gonna tell you, but I chickened out, because I’m a coward.”
“Tell me what?” Jay asks, almost choosing to argue how Sunghoon is the least cowardly person he knows, but he’s actually really curious as to what Sunghoon has been wanting to tell him.
“That I…,” Sunghoon starts, and then stops, and before Jay knows it, he has a beautiful boy with red eyes and puffy cheeks and messy hair right in front him. When his eyes stop and linger on Sunghoon’s, there’s something in there that Jay can’t put his finger on and he feels his hands start to clam up as he suddenly gets the feeling that whatever Sunghoon is going to tell him is big. Jay swallows.
“I wanted to tell you,” Sunghoon mumbles and Jay has to strain his ears to pick the syllables apart to get them to make sense, “that I actually did want to kiss you. That day. I just didn’t want it to feel… forced, I guess. I wanted to kiss you because you wanted it, not as a way of pleasing the kids. I didn’t mean to make you feel like… like I did. I’m really sorry, Jongseongie. I don’t… don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. But I know that I made you feel like that anyway... and I’m so sorry--”
Sunghoon breaks off as the tears brimming his eyes suddenly spill over, and as he busies himself trying to hide them with his hands as one sob after another makes its way out, Jay moves before he can overthink what it is he’s about to do. Taking one of Sunghoon’s wrists in each of his hands, he removes them from Sunghoon’s surprised face before capturing the younger’s lips with his own.
Jay hasn’t kissed many people, just two or three actually, and he has no idea how many people Sunghoon has kissed before him, but Jay quickly finds that nothing matters less. Who the hell cares about other people, when Park Sunghoon is right here in his arms, telling Jay that he’s been wanting to kiss him, and not because of some stupid prank the members pulled on them. Sunghoon wanted it to be real, and he’s been thinking about Jay, apparently, and Jay hasn’t really thought about any of this since before this week, but he’s so happy through all this new-found information that he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
Except kiss Sunghoon, of course, whose lips are salty and wet, whose skin is warm and smooth, whose entire being Jay has cherished for years and years. Sunghoon, who has been ‘home’ to Jay in the hardest moments of his life, familiar and warm and open, and who Jay always wants around. Sunghoon, who wanted Jay to want him, who must have felt so heavy these last few days, who tried to give Jay all the space his stubborn mind craved.
Jay’s thumbs wipe at Sunghoon’s cheeks as he continues to softly press their lips together, because Sunghoon’s tears should be seen at rare and short occasions, and they’re not needed anymore. Sunghoon’s careful, careful hand lands on Jay’s chest, and Jay would have thought the intention was to push him away if it wasn’t for the way it searches and settles right above his pounding heart where Sunghoon’s fingers slightly curl.
When they part both boys catch their breath for a second, eyes meeting, before Jay breaks into a huge smile. Sunghoon quickly follows, and before either of them can process what just happened, they’re laughing. Laughing and laughing, until it's so loudly it’s a wonder no one comes rushing in to see if one of them murdered the other. Jay’s entire body is shaking with it, and when he turns his face to rest against Sunghoon’s shoulder he feels Sunghoon’s body do the same.
“We’re doing this,” Jay all but tells Sunghoon, once his laughter finally dies out. Then he reaches up on his elbows to half-lean over Sunghoon, whose hair is spread out on the pillow, smile still on his pretty face. “We have to, now. I wanna do this. With you.”
“Do what, exactly?” Sunghoon teases, fingers reaching to remove a single strand of hair by Jay’s left eye. “Kiss me?”
“Obviously.”
“Yah!” Sunghoon calls, breaking into laughter again. “I want you to kiss me, too, but I didn’t do all this crying just for that!”
“Just for that?!” Jay exclaims, jokingly and unable to resist. “You should be grateful, Park Sunghoon.”
Sunghoon leans his head imperceptibly to the side and gives Jay a fantastic view of his sharp jawline. Jay has to stop himself from licking his lips, or better, lick down Sunghoon’s jaw.
“I am,” Sunghoon murmurs, cheeks taking on another, much more enjoyable pink colour than the one evoked by tears. “I am grateful.”
Jay is generally not a liar. But neither is Sunghoon.
“Yah,” Jay replies weakly, and feels a terrible flush reaching his own cheeks for the first time during this conversation. “Shut up.”
Sunghoon smiles back up at him, and Jay couldn’t stop the stupid grin forming on his own face in return no matter how hard he tried to.
***
When Jake brags about how his plan was the one that finally got the lovebirds together, the others grow tired of it pretty fast and decide to lock him inside the closet for an hour or two until he drops it for good.
When Jungwon drowns in hugs from two happy hyungs who swear up and down that they are grateful to him, in the end, really, his unresting spirit finally settles as well. Until a few weeks pass and suddenly Jongseong and Sunghoon are in the same bed, every damn night, and Jungwon hears the giggling and whispering and the gross kissing noises… Jungwon sighs to himself.
No one ever said being leader would be easy.