Work Text:
“What?” Sapnap rolled over, groaning as he slung an arm around Karl’s skinner form. He was about to pull the other closer to his chest, pressing his face into those soft brown locks he had come to adore, but stopped when he felt his boyfriend shivering as if he were cold.
Onyx eyes shot open, gazing down at Karl anxiously. The poor boy was trembling, fingers shaky, teeth chattering. Sapnap already knew what this was, the moment being nothing new. Karl was having another panic attack.
“Baby,” Sapnap breathed, gently shaking him. “Open your eyes, it’s okay. I’m here. Open up.”
It took a bit more shaking and the occasional coo, but Karl eventually opened his eyes, blinking away the cloudiness of sleep. He looked around the room, anxious as always, and Sapnap only responded by taking his hands away from the cold skin.
“Karl,” he said his name, knowing that helped to ground him. “Shh, take deep breaths. Recenter yourself, yeah? I’m here with you, I’m here.”
Karl was as close to frozen as one could get, only able to move his hand ever so slightly. He managed to hook his trembling fingers under the cotton of his blanket, pulling it closer to his body in an attempt to warm himself. He was breathing in and out, panting hard, but Sapnap still didn’t touch. He knew that Karl preferred to be alone during times like this. The most he could do was stay next to him, wait on him hand and foot, make sure that he was okay and that he had everything he needed.
Finally, Karl managed to look at him, brow furrowed in confusion. “Mason?” He croaked, lips stumbling over the word.
A blade pierced Sapnap’s heart, hating the name of another man on his beloved’s lips. He wanted nothing more than to pull Karl into his arms, hold him tight, say over and over again that he was the property of fire, but that would only panic him more. Sapnap could put his feelings aside for Karl any day. He had done it so many times for him in the past.
“No, Sweetie,” he rasped, voice soft. “Sapnap. I’m Sapnap. You’re Karl.”
“Sap… nap…” Karl tried, blinking back tears. “Sapnap?”
“Yes,” Sapnap confirmed, slowly reaching forward. He let Karl see what he was doing, lower lip tugged between his teeth, resisting the urge to jolt back from the touch. Eventually, Sapnap’s fingers brushed against Karl’s, waiting to make sure he was okay before doing anything more. When Karl stayed where he was, Sapnap curled his hand around the smaller one, gently running his thumb along the sides of those skinner digits.
“What— what happened?” Karl managed, hand limp in Sapnap’s grip. He wasn’t even holding it back. It made Sapnap want to cry.
“You had a night terror,” Sapnap explained, other arm coming forward. He pressed the small of his hand against Karl’s back, guiding the brunet closer to his chest. “You must have been thinking about some scary stuff, but you’re okay. I’m here. I’ll protect you.”
Karl said nothing, leaving Sapnap with no response. The boy simply laid there, still as a statue, eyes glazed over as he stared off into the distance. Sapnap sniffled, pressing his face into the crook of Karl’s neck.
“You’ll protect me?” Karl echoed. “Mason?”
Sapnap didn’t have the heart to correct him again.
“Yes,” he replied, tears slipping down the apples of his cheeks. “Go back to sleep, Dear.”
Karl didn’t notice the tears. He didn’t notice anything. He simply listened to Sapnap, drifting off to sleep yet again. Sapnap managed to hold back until he was sure Karl was out, only then breaking down.
He didn’t know what was happening to his boyfriend. He had been so happy before, so carefree and energetic, and now he was having more problems that Sapnap didn’t know about. The panic attacks would happen every once in a while, sure; almost everyone had at least one in their lives, but they had been becoming much more frequent over time. From only a few times a year to once a month and now to almost every other day, Karl was dealing with some sort of internalized trauma. He had been less focused on the things around him, forgetting simple tasks and failing to organize correctly, sometimes even forgetting the names or presence of those he loved. It wasn’t just Sapnap.
Sapnap knew he had to be strong for Karl, avoid showing weakness so he could maintain that role of being his knight in shining armor. However, he didn’t know how much longer he could do it. All he wanted was for Karl to be okay, and especially during times in which he was getting worse, he became increasingly motivated to do some background research.
Sapnap made it his goal to try and figure out what was happening. He had already been asking Karl questions, but the other had only beaten around the bush. The raven didn’t know what was so serious that Karl couldn’t even tell his boyfriend, but he was tired of being left out of the loop.
He was going to find out what was wrong with Karl, one way or another.
Karl was just as cheery as ever, having woken up earlier to make pancakes for his loving fiance. It was in moments like these that Sapnap could pretend that everything was normal, even when he knew it wasn’t. He stumbled down the steps of their shared cottage, rubbing his eyes to get used to the new lighting. Karl turned to look at him, shooting Sapnap the most brilliant smile from where he was stationed by the stove. “Morning, sleepyhead! Rest well?”
“Eh,” Sapnap grunted, shuffling up to Karl. He wrapped his arms around him from behind, pressing his face into the backs of his shoulders. “Not really. How’re you feeling?”
“I’m doing pretty good!” Karl exclaimed, giggling at the feeling of raven locks tickling his skin. “Breakfast should be ready shortly. Can you pass me the eggs, Love?”
Sapnap lifted his head, peeking over Karl’s shoulder. He frowned at the bowl in his hands, two cracked yolks already sitting in the dry mixture. “You already have eggs,” he said simply, knowing this was only another symptom to check off on the memory loss list.
Karl glanced down at his bowl, jaw going slack from the realization. “Oh yeah! I’m such a nimrod. Here, I’ll get this nice and cooked for us,” he expressed, reaching for a whisk.
Sapnap watched in silence, unsure of what else to say. He didn’t want to go straight into the confrontational part of their morning, but he supposed it would have to be done sooner or later. He sighed, letting his hands slide down from Karl’s waist, eventually leaving his body completely.
“Babe, are you sure you’re okay? Your memories seem to be getting worse,” he mumbled, voice barely audible.
“What?” Karl glanced over his shoulder, pushing the whisk into the mixture. “I can’t hear you.”
Sapnap bit his bottom lip. Why was this so hard? He hated asking Karl about more serious topics, but it was important. He missed the times they used to have before any of these panic attacks began happening. He missed cuddling with his boyfriend and getting random surprises, all based around small details that Karl would somehow recall even if mentioned only once. He had always been good at controlling his mind, each detail about Sapnap committed to some area of his brain, yet now that seemed to be deteriorating.
Sapnap was losing Karl.
He missed him.
He wanted his Karl back.
“Karl,” he forced out, hands balled into fists at his sides. “Your memories. You’re forgetting more.”
Karl was silent, eyes sparking in recognition. This was not the first time Sapnap had brought up this topic, but he hadn’t in a while. It was new, almost as if it had never been discussed before.
Karl acted as if it were new. Sapnap knew it wasn’t.
“Don’t worry about it,” Karl eventually settled on, turning back to the soon-to-be pancakes. “I’ll handle it myself, okay?”
Sapnap knew he couldn’t let it end there. He normally dropped the conversation whenever Karl had a more decisive tone, but this was their relationship he was worried about. Karl was a major part of that, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take seeing him suffer before doing something about it.
“You need help,” he whispered, looking frantically around the room. “I’m sure I could get you a therapy session with— what’s her name again? Dr. Puffy? I dunno, I’ll figure it out, you just need—”
“Sapnap,” Karl interrupted him, cradling the mixing bowl against his chest. The whisk had been discarded on the counter, leaving a sticky substance they’d have to clean later on. “What do I say about trust?”
Sapnap sulked. “It’s like a bird. They trust their wings to carry them when they are starting. They have to learn to take risks. I know, Karl, I know, but—”
“Are you my bird?”
Sapnap’s eyes welled up with tears, the raven about to break. He didn’t answer, in fear of the words that would escape his lips.
“Sappy? Are you?” Karl repeated, looking a bit more anxious now.
Sapnap sniffled, hanging his head in defeat. “Yes,” he mumbled, staring at his toes.
Karl smiled, taking a few steps closer to his lover. He reached up and put a hand on top of his head, tangling his fingers in the hair. “If you’re my bird, I’m your wings. I’ll keep you airborne, alright? You just have to trust me.”
Sapnap pressed his face into the crook of Karl’s neck, the metal bowl against his warm skin causing him to shudder. “I trust you,” he confirmed, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I always have.”
Karl reached over his shoulder, placing the bowl back on the counter. He wrapped both his arms around Sapnap, voice quieter as he whispered the next few words into his ear.
“Things will get better, Cardinal. Allow me to help you fly.”
Things didn’t get better. Sapnap knew it would turn out like this, knew Karl would only drift further away, and that’s exactly what happened. The panic attacks began happening many times throughout the day, Karl’s happiness diminished, and Sapnap’s stress only grew. He spent every moment with Karl on hand and foot, waiting on him whenever he needed it. He would get him water, help him bathe, even remind him how to do simple things he seemed to forget. He was less independent, eyes glazed over with nothingness, simply a shell of what he once was. He was even beginning to look worse, skin losing its rosy tint, dark bags under his eyes, hair mussed and tangled as Karl forgot to take care of it. Sapnap felt like he was taking care of a very large child, and he knew that’s not what a relationship should be.
The current day was one like all of the others: Karl sitting on a chair, Sapnap rushing around the house, and a few books splayed out on the coffee table in the living room. Sapnap wasn’t the one to place them there so he assumed it was Karl doing so, though he didn’t know why. He didn’t dare move them, though. He wouldn’t tamper with whatever his beloved must be doing while trapped in his own mind.
“James?” Karl suddenly called out, looking over to Sapnap. Sapnap winced, meeting his lover’s eyes. He hated that he was having to respond to names that weren’t his own. He hated that Karl was forgetting everything. The only good part about him was that he seemed to remember vaguely who Sapnap was, even if he didn’t remember his actual name.
“Yes?” Sapnap asked dully, allowing himself to lean against the nearest wall. “Is there something you need?”
Karl looked wistful, almost as if he were remembering something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. His lower lip was tugged between his teeth, jaw tensed, hands curled around the spine of a beaten-up book. “Could you please get me my journal?”
Sapnap froze.
A journal?
What journal?
“I’m…” he trailed off, blinking as he met Karl’s hopeful gaze. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“My journal,” Karl repeated, turning to gaze at the book in his arms. “I’ve been writing in one for the longest time. I’m not sure exactly where it is, but it should be near. Could you please get it for me?”
Sapnap said nothing, unsure of how to respond. Karl had been keeping secrets from him? He supposed that he never knew the reason why Karl was losing his memories, but with the memory loss, it appeared he was getting a glimpse into another side of his boyfriend that he barely knew.
He thought that he had known Karl. He hadn’t thought he would be hiding anything from him.
“I’ll try,” he settled on, slinking back to their room. How was he supposed to find a journal he didn’t even know about? If Karl couldn’t remember where it was, how was he supposed to know?
Sapnap closed the door behind him, eyes meeting with the crinkled mattress on their bed. The sheets would never be the same again, stained with tears and endless nights of crying, handprint indents in the process of fading due to lack of quality time. Karl was truly drifting apart from him, tainting the space that used to be their haven.
Sapnap couldn’t fix it. The most he could do was burn.
The flame had been singed, tears slipping down pale cheeks. The raven collapsed onto the soft blanket under him, pressing his face in the mattress, crying into the cotton. He only stained it more, endless tears soaking into the neverending collection.
Crying hurt. Everything hurt. He hurt physically from the sting of the water and emotionally from the addition of sadness to what was once happy. Karl’s lack of memory had ruined them, had maimed their home, and there was truly no way for it to get better.
“Baby,” he sobbed, pushing some hair out of his face. “Come back to me. I trusted you. I trusted you to help me fly. Come back, don’t leave me. Don’t fail me. Please.”
He could almost see him behind his eyelids, the cheerful face of the boy that once was before he had been torn apart in front of Sapnap’s very eyes. The same smile that would brighten him even on his worst days, those soft eyelashes that would tickle the apples of his cheeks, that soft hair he could bury his nose into and smell the sweet lilac shampoo Karl would use.
Everything.
It was all gone.
Sapnap couldn’t believe how much he missed Karl. He knew that he had fallen hard, sure, but people changed over time. Other couples were able to deal with memory loss in a much better way than he must have been. They were probably much happier, living as best as they could, perhaps some of those memories returning to each other, but Sapnap wasn’t good enough for that.
He wasn’t good enough to persuade Karl to keep him in his thoughts.
If Karl was having trouble keeping track of the past, how was Sapnap supposed to make new memories with him in the present?
He continued to cry, fingers curling into the softness of his blanket. He must have been there for way too long, as he soon heard a knock at the door. He turned his head when the knock was followed by its opening, followed by a skinny-looking Karl Jacobs at the entrance.
“James?” Karl asked again, tearing another seam from Sapnap’s heart. “What’s wrong?”
Sapnap opened his mouth to respond, to assure Karl that everything was okay and he would find his journal soon, but couldn’t get a word out. The only thing he managed was a choked sob, thicker tears hooking on the edge of his jaw before eventually falling onto the sheets. He broke down, finally allowing himself to be vulnerable.
He couldn’t do this.
He couldn’t let Karl go.
He wouldn’t.
Karl watched him, staying where he was. The only ring he kept on his finger now was the silver band Sapnap had given him, a promise to wed him in the future. All the other ones were gone, and while Sapnap appreciated Karl’s limited knowledge of the one that remained, the others defined his personality. With each ring that Karl discarded to sit at the bottom of their nightstand drawer, he lost a piece of himself, and with each one, he took a piece of Sapnap with him.
They had both changed, neither of them for the better. It was terrifying to think about.
“Oh, James…” Karl breathed, opening his arms. “Come here.”
Sapnap didn’t need to be told twice. He pushed himself up, collapsing into Karl’s grip, letting those feeble bones press his face closer to his heart. Sapnap continued to cry, about to try and speak, but was silenced by a finger pressed against his lips. His head was redirected to rest on Karl’s shoulder, the brunet moving the raven’s thicker fingers to feel over the pulse of his hand.
Even when Sapnap’s Karl was gone, there were pieces of him that were still so distinct.
It was magnificent.
It was painful.
It was a beautiful kind of misery.
Sapnap allowed himself to be calmed by his presence, ignoring the problem with Karl’s memories. That was less important in a moment when he could still maintain pieces of the man he once knew, the man he once loved, the man he still loved.
“Why?” Sapnap soon managed, tilting his head into Karl’s hand. “Why did this happen? Why are you so different?”
Karl smiled sadly, eyes hazy, still confused. “In another world, I’ll send a cardinal for you,” he muttered abruptly. “James, Mason, Sapnap. You’ll all receive them.”
“What?” Sapnap breathed, eyes wide. “What are you talking about? What cardinals?”
Karl opened his mouth as if he were about to respond but soon felt his body begin to tingle. His fingers began to fade away, transforming into nothingness. Simple purple particles replaced where they once were, spreading down his body. Sapnap watched in both awe and horror, gazing at his disappearing lover and then back up at his face.
Karl was smiling, looking truly happy for the first time in the past six months. A spark of excitement flickered behind his gaze, though it was accompanied by a slight flash of anxiousness.
“I’m leaving,” he whispered, reaching out toward Sapnap. “I can’t control it. It’s happening more and more. I’m sorry.”
“Karl!” Sapnap screamed, hand swiping through what was once his waist. “What’s going on!?”
Karl blinked back tears, legs disappearing from the shoes up. “I can’t explain. It’s too fast,” he exhaled. “I’ll be back. I don’t know when, but I’ll return.”
“What? You can’t! This is impossible; you can’t do this!” Sapnap argued. “You can’t leave me!”
“If I’m gone too long, you’ll receive a cardinal. Don’t worry, I’ll be with you. Wait for my return,” Karl ordered.
“Where are you going!?” Sapnap wailed.
Karl stopped, only his head visible, the particles working their way quickly up the expanse of his neck.
His lips curled into a final smile, floppy hair falling over his eyes.
“To fall in love once again.”
And with a final flash, Karl was gone, leaving Sapnap alone.
The raven blinked, eyes wide, jaw dropped. He sniffled, body shaking. What was happening? Where did he go?
He supposed he wouldn’t know, not unless he found that journal.
So he worked, hands and knees, tearing apart the house he had once built by hand. His fingers were caked in blood, splinters sticking into his skin, sweat caking his brow, but he didn’t stop. He would never stop. Not until he found it.
Not until he came across the secret room, a small library filled with books, complete with a pedestal holding a recent one with a quill on the side.
He was left alone, surrounded by the earthy scent of books, walking over to the smaller perch. He let his hand rest over the cover of the journal, feeling the leather, hooking his thumb under the corner to flip it back.
He was met with a small note, one that fell out of the first pages. He was about to ignore it, assuming it was some spare unmarked parchment, but stopped when he saw the words.
Sapnap.
My Cardinal.
My love.
My life.
I’m sorry.