Archive of Our Own

Rei rises late, fumbling into her school uniform, ignoring her third week of a semi-sleepless night. It's an unlucky habit, topped with the weight of revelations, too many revelations, that she continues to struggle through and weigh. She manages; walks into the bathroom, brushes her teeth, kisses her grandfather and says the same, always the same few phrases: the sacred fire is calm today and i won't miss dinner with father this month.

They have been quiet for a few days now. Usagi has color in her cheeks, the girls still worry and somehow, their individual memories have burst through and repeated since they all won't talk about how the Princess nearly killed herself in this life too. Rei cannot be bitter.

"Stay alert," she tells Phobos, then Deimos, and they scuttle and caw to the walls to watch her leave.

Usagi is waiting at the bus station.

"Are you sleeping?" Rei asks, blurts, maybe it's ten or twenty minutes into their ride. She is surprised that Mamoru isn't with them today. He can ride the same route into the city and school.

Usagi's mouth twitches. She leans back into her seat and her legs swing forward. Her gaze is alert. "Not really," she says. She trains her gaze on Rei. "Then again, neither are you."

"I'm not," Rei agrees.

She doesn't know how to press. What she has learned is that it is terrifyingly easy to talk to Usagi, like it's a confession, even though it may not be a confession but one all the same. There are too many questions that are still running rampant in her head. The basics are there; she believes naturally in rebirth and chances, the pragmatic reasoning behind nature and its cruel decisions, life, death, and all the above. Rei doesn't have any trouble understanding who she was, who she is, and who she will be and the result of how complex those choices will be.

"I need answers," she says then. "But I don't know how to get them, and -- I --" she flushes and rubs her eyes, "I don't even know if I want them," she murmurs.

"We all got different answers."

Usagi says it so quickly, so suddenly that Rei almost misses it. Her voice isn't soft. There are students and a couple of business men stumbling around up front. Usagi shifts closer to Rei and it's slight.

"You're not telling us something," Rei murmurs. Her hand falls onto Usagi's wrist. Her fingers stroke the skin. Her friend smiles. "Usagi-chan, you know you can tell us anything."

Her face changes again.

Usagi is quiet when she digs through her bag. Rei stares and waits. She pulls a small pouch from between her books. It's a pearl color. Rei watches the ties wrap around her fingers. Her heart starts to creep into her throat.

"This isn't about me, Rei-chan," Usagi answers, then it sparks something else; she looks older and wiser and heavier and it's startling to watch it unfold. She wonders if this is what Minako sees. She wonders if this is what Mamoru knows. Suddenly she just knows that she is meeting somehow completely different.

The bus stops then. There is a bell and Usagi stands.

Her mouth brushes against Rei's forehead. She doesn't hesitate. Her fingers brush through her bangs and Rei feels a little lost.

"This is your choice," she says.

your choice

Words are familiar, words are memories, Rei carries some and too many for count; she is her father's daughter, her mother's daughter, and everything in between. But it is more than a struggle to reconcile past and present even though she accepts both on all counts. She is a believer. There has been never any hesitation.

She keeps the pouch by the sacred fire.

Mars is always silent.

Rei wakes up. It's two hours before she has to go around and start her temple duties. Her grandfather will rise around eight.

The room is dark but she still knows he is in the room.

"I don't remember you," she says, sleepily, rising in her bed, the sheets sinking into her legs as she tries and settles. Her heart isn't pounding. She regulates her breathing by counting one and then seven.

"I know."

Her eyes adjust to the dim light. He is handsome but forgettable from the distance. Her mouth twists and she shifts to lean against the wall.

"I don't know why you're here," she says too.

He pushes away from wherever he is. The door, she thinks. Then she hears his feet sink against the floor. There is a shuffle and she thinks: he is wearing those stupid boots and she wonders why she thinks those and she feels annoyed and despondent at the same time.

He moves to sit with her. His legs are too long but he folds next to her all the same. He has no jacket and she feels her throat to begin to burn.

"There are piece of me --"

Rei laughs and covers her mouth. Her fingers are warm. She is embarrassed.

"Sorry," she says, "sorry," and then one more time, "I know what's inside -- I can guess since you're --"

"Jadeite."

His voice is low and heavy. His mouth touches her ear. Her eyes are open and wide. "Jadeite," she repeats.

His name is his name.

Mars has memories. Mars does not share those memories. The first time back, when she was awake and Usagi's laugh was imprinted in her mind, Rei sat in front of the fire and waited. The flames were calm and it was almost cruel, waiting for something, anything, but the color never changed and depth remained as it needed to be.

There is something unnerving about the stone in her hand, or the pieces that live against her palm; the green is bright and sharp, but the smoothness is almost dull and she picks at each one of them with her nails, hoping to stir something even as he sits next to her. He hasn't moved. He hasn't asked to moved and she wonders why she's waiting.

"They're somewhere, you know," she pauses and presses a finger to her head. "They're in there but they want to stay hidden. So I've started to think to myself --" she looks up and meets his gaze, her heart in her throat again, "How bad is it really? How bad did I love you?"

Jadeite smiles and looks away.

He is a man, after all.

"I must have --"

"You did," he cuts her off. "You loved me almost just enough as I loved you. Maybe a little less, you used to say."

She scoffs and her hand closes around the pieces of the stone.

"I can't tell you you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen," he says too. "I wish that was what I opened up with -- I mean, I doubt that you would have been impressed with something you already knew."

Rei flushes. "That's not true," she protests.

"You're a girl now," Jadeite says. He's amused and she elbows him. He makes a sound of surprise. She stops herself and leans away. "I mean," he clears his throat. "You're still incredibly beautiful --"

"You're terrible at telling stories," she blurts. Her hand covers her mouth. She's clumsy.

She meets his gaze and he looks surprised. His eyes are bright, brighter than she wants to know too. She remembers something like this: the sky was dark, is dark, and not entirely as simplistic as they are now; he was next to her and she was standing, fists clenched at her side angry because their Princess snuck away again and she is in love and love causes all sorts of wars, especially the one they are not prepared for, but maybe she is, she was angrier at herself because she is a woman and he is a man and service is ultimately the loneliest kind of devotion so she is fire and he has a temper and he kissed her just like --

"You did say that once." Rei forces herself to clear her throat. She twists and pushes to her knees, then to her feet and her robe sinks around her instead. He is watching her and she knows. "I don't know why I said that."

Then he says it to her, really says it to her. This is more than just a lie.

"This is my punishment, you know."

Puzzle pieces are just puzzle pieces after all.

He follows her to the next room.

He doesn't mean to. (He stumbles; if he were real, she'd laugh.) She lets him. (She can't think of anything else to do.) She forgoes her robes for her school uniform. It's still too close to dawn to change anyways.

Rei remembers how handsome he is. There is too much light on his face before she settles in front of the fire. There are lines around his mouth. It's simple. She thinks he likes to laugh a lot. He's respectful and stays behind her as she kneels in front of the sacred fire.

"I have to give you back."

There are memories then. At the brink. She smells fire and flesh and in front of her, the sacred fire begins to rise, slowly, slowly and light breaks against the ceiling. She breathes. Then she breathes again. Heat starts to push at her body. Underneath her clothes, and along the column of her throat. She thinks i killed you first and wonders how much of that is true.

"He needs me," Jadeite tells her, "and you --"

"Aren't ready," she finishes, and her voice is quiet, too quiet, as the flames in front of her begin to climb and curl. She does not see herself; her hands begin to tremble and she buries them into her skirt.

Sharp relief begins to her. She looks away from the fire and meets his gaze. He's closer then, kneeling next, and suddenly right there, right there in front of her face. She starts to breathe, or maybe it's panic because he's right there and she doesn't see anything. She is going into this blindly with something, the consequences of protecting herself then, and something inside of her is ready to break.

He touches her face.

"Darling," he starts and his fingers are on her mouth, she laughs and it cracks with some kind of disbelief and says too, "don't call me that."

Jadeite feels real.

This is terrifying enough.

The sun is too bright when she meets Usagi, then Mamoru at the usual stop.

They are standing together. The bus is late. Usagi watches something off to the side. Mamoru is reading a book with one hand. There's a breeze and she's forgotten her scarf. Rei takes a deep breath and approaches, slowing only when Mamoru is the first to look. There is no hesitation and he holds out his hand.

The pouch drops against his palm. Rei holds his gaze to be fearless.

"I don't know how to want him back," she says.