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If this were a movie Buck would tell you that time stopped. If this were a movie Buck imagines the camera would pan over Eddie’s paralysed face, slow down the scene so that, even for just a few seconds, he’s not falling yet. He’s not dying yet. Just for a few seconds, Buck and Eddie would be able to look at each other and not feel the world fall apart. The blood on Buck’s face would just be the twisted poem of a visionary director and Eddie reaching out to him as he dies just the choice of a gifted actor.
As it happens, Buck’s life is definitely not a movie and time is not going to stop just because he needs it to. As it happens, Eddie falls to the ground with a sickening crunch and Buck gets a concussion from being thrown against the side of the engine. As it happens, unlike anything Buck was ever taught about shock, he does not tune out all sound, he does not forget his surroundings to fixate on Eddie’s falling body, Eddie’s aching body, Eddie’s dying body. As it happens, Buck is suddenly hyperaware of everything. As it happens, Buck remembers everything.
This is how it goes.
The bullet rips Eddie’s uniform just above his breast pocket, pulling the thread as it comes apart at the seams. The bullet tears through Eddie’s shoulder and two roads down someone honks at a motorcyclist, unperturbed. Before Buck can register what just happened, his ears still trained on the string of curses coming from the angry driver, the sound of the 133 ambulance doors closing, the murmur of his own breath in his lungs, he finds himself with a mouthful of Eddie’s blood. Eddie’s blood, which is now everywhere. Once, when Buck was five, Maddie had accidentally dropped a bag of glitter on the kitchen table and, no matter their efforts to clean it all up, they had still eaten glitter-seasoned meals for a month afterwards. Up until this second Buck had been sure that there was nothing as disgusting and awfully unforgettable as eating glitter, but he knows now that he’ll never forget the taste of Eddie’s blood on his tongue. He knows that for months to come he’ll wake up to copper in his mouth and bile in his gut, and that no amount of scrubbing will ever wash Eddie’s blood from his face.
Buck barely has the time to blink the red out of his eyes and lock them on Eddie’s, his own horror staring back at him, before the shock sets in. He always thought that when you go into shock, the world turns so quiet you can hear the drop of a pin. Except this time, the world just gets louder and when the pin drops, it’s the loudest sound Buck has ever heard. Because Eddie is the pin. And he’s dropping. He sways backwards like he usually does when he’s had one too many shots of tequila, except this time there is no drunken smile on his face, only terror. He sways backwards and for a second Buck thinks he won’t fall.
Eddie’s knees are the first to give out.
They fold awkwardly under him as he falls sideways, his arms losing all coordination, his eyes barely focusing on Buck’s face. Eddie’s head hits the ground with a loud thud, but he doesn’t even wince. Buck wishes he had, because if Eddie can still feel pain that means he’s still alive. It means he’s not dying yet. It means that maybe Buck’s life is a movie after all and his nightmares are just another plot point. And if having night terrors means keeping Eddie, then Buck is more than happy to lose sleep.
Buck knows he should move, he knows this is an active shooter scene and he should move, but before the rational part of his brain can catch up, Mehta tackles him to the ground. The bullet meant for him bounces off of the engine and flies a few inches from Buck’s face as he and Mehta hit the truck and all the air leaves Buck’s lungs. There is a pounding in his head where it hit the engine and his cheek is being pushed into the warm asphalt; the gravel is digging into his cheekbone and Mehta’s hand on the back of his neck is a weirdly reassuring weight. As the captain yells out to the rest of his team, Buck turns his aching head towards Eddie. Eddie, who is still looking at him. Eddie, whose eyes are turning foggy and whose body is slowly stilling as blood pools around his head like a halo. Buck is frozen to the spot. The blood on his face is still wet on his skin, the road has drawn red tracks down his jaw and neck, his right arm aches where it’s pinned under the captain but Buck wouldn’t be able to move even if he wanted to. All he can do is stare as his best friend bleeds out at an LA intersection.
Later, in a particularly trying session with Dr. Copeland, Buck will swear that he could hear the blood as it flowed out of Eddie and onto the asphalt. Later, he will swear that, even though Eddie had been too weak to say anything, he had heard his partner call his name. That Eddie had reached for him, with the little strength he had left. That Buck had read the fear in his best friend’s eyes, had understood the unspoken don’t leave me alone. Later, it’s the same thing he tells Athena when she yells at him for almost getting himself killed. He needed me, he whispers over and over. He doesn’t realise he’s crying until her arms tighten around his shoulders and she drops a kiss just above his birthmark. Later, with cold water dripping pink from his bloody face, he will try to wash away the memory of Eddie’s eyes slipping close and his hands going limp. But before later comes Buck shrugs Mehta off and sets on rescuing his best friend.
Buck’s hands are burning. Crawling under a fire engine is not as heroic as he had imagined it to be. At first he’d tried to run to Eddie, but Mehta had simply screamed in his face and tackled him back on the asphalt. After a shouting match neither of them will remember with pride, the captain, upon realising that Buck was going to save Eddie sniper or not, had allowed him to crawl under the engine. Hence, Buck’s current situation. His knees, hands and forearms have been scraped red by the asphalt and the pounding in his head won’t let up. Now he’s mere inches away from Eddie’s face, but he can’t bring himself to call out his best friend’s name. Then Eddie’s hand twitches. It’s barely a movement, more like the ghost of one, but it’s enough to rip out the fist that has lodged itself in Buck’s vocal chords.
“Eddie!” he tries, and hates the way his voice cracks.
Eddie doesn’t move.
“Eddie! Eddie, please wake up!” Buck all but sobs out, his voice as raw as he feels.
Buck is about to start crying, the pain of seeing his best friend get shot finally catching up to him, when Eddie slowly opens his eyes.
“Buck?” he slurs quietly.
Buck let’s out a shaky laugh. “Yeah, Eddie it’s me. It’s so good to hear your voice.”
Eddie tries to give him a wobbly smile and Buck has to duck his head and morph his face into something hopeful, something that won’t scare Eddie. He swallows the painful sob that threatens to pull him apart and looks back at his best friend with an encouraging smile.
“Hey buddy, we need to stop that bleeding, but in order to do that I have to pull you underneath the truck, okay?” he tells Eddie, voice shaking.
Eddie nods in understanding and clenches his teeth. Buck stares into his eyes and they steel themselves for what’s to come. Then, Buck leans forward, takes hold of Eddie’s forearm and pulls.
Eddie screams.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Eddie, I’m so sorry.” Buck cries as he pulls his best friend to safety. His vision is blurry, his tears drawing riverbeds in the blood covering his face. A lifetime passes before him and Eddie resurface on the other side of the engine, both wailing and covered in blood.
Once Eddie is safe and his screams have turned into pained sobs, Buck can do nothing but collapse next to him, his hand still tight on Eddie’s forearm. He takes a moment of respite to drown in his own pain before paramedics are motioning him away. He tries to protest, tries to reach out to Eddie, but his exhaustion takes over and he finds himself sitting against the side of the engine.
“You did good, kid.” Mehta murmurs as he squeezes Buck’s shoulder.
Buck doesn’t have the strength to tell him that this doesn’t feel like a win. Instead he offers the captain what he hopes is a small smile, the dried blood on his face pulling at his skin. He watches as the paramedics patch Eddie up and load him on the ambulance, leaving an empty space for Buck to ride with them.
Eddie codes twice in the ambulance. Eddie codes twice and Buck doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He alternates between looking at his best friend’s face as he’s revived twice and staring holes into a bloodless spot on Eddie’s pants. Once they get to the hospital, Eddie is carried away by a swarm of doctors and Buck is led to a bed in the ER, where a kind nurse checks his vitals and applies soft bandages to his scraped arms. It’s only when Buck is finally sitting in the waiting room, barely holding himself together, that everything goes quiet. He doesn’t register Bobby running into the hospital yelling his name, misses the way his captain gasps at the sight of Buck, feels nothing as the older man rubs circles into his neck. He doesn’t answer Hen’s offer of shitty hospital coffee and doesn’t even glance at the clean t-shirt Chim is handing him. Buck just sits and breathes and marvels at the fact that he’s still able to.
In the end it’s Taylor who pulls him out of his stupor. She walks into the waiting room, takes one look at Buck, surveys the hopeless sets of eyes surrounding him and springs into action. She drops her bag on Chimney’s lap, earning herself an indignant yelp, rolls up the sleeves of her blouse and snatches the clean t-shirt from the man’s hands. The next thing Buck knows, he’s being dragged towards the restroom. Before he can argue, Taylor has turned on the faucet and pushed his head underneath it. Buck gasps as the cold water drips down his spine.
“Taylor, what the fuck?” he all but yells at her once she’s let him go.
She simply looks at him in the mirror, her mouth a thin line trembling at the corners, and puts a warm hand on the back of his neck. Then she gives him the clean t-shirt and with one last squeeze just above his collarbone, she quietly slips out of the restroom, leaving him alone. Slowly, as if moving through molasses, Buck washes the blood off his hands and starts scrubbing at the red droplets still clinging to his face and neck. He watches as his cheeks turn pink and the skin on his hands starts peeling. Only when he sets on to unbuttoning his shirt does he realise he’s shaking. Overall, he manages to keep it together until he unfolds the t-shirt Chim brought him. Rationally he knows that his friend just picked up the first thing he found, but he can’t help but think that the universe is fucking with him. More than usual, that is. Because the LAFD t-shirt Chim brought him is not his. It’s Eddie’s.
When he leaves the bathroom Taylor doesn’t comment on his puffy red eyes or on Eddie’s surname stretching across Buck’s back. She simply wraps her arms around his waist and leans up to drop the tiniest kiss on his cheek, before tucking her head under his chin. All Buck can do is hold on. If he squeezes her a bit too tight, she doesn’t bring it up, just continues to hug him. When they make their way back to the waiting room, Taylor’s right arm tight around his waist as if she’s afraid it’s the only thing holding Buck together, they’re met by relieved glances. Taylor guides him back to his seat and thrusts the water bottle Bobby hands her into Buck’s limp hands.
“Drink.” she says, not unkindly, and Buck realises those are the first words she has spoken since she’d gotten there. He tries to convey his gratitude by taking a long sip of the water, his voice refusing to work.
Buck doesn’t know how long he sits there, Bobby’s hand a reassuring weight on his back. He’s trying to count the dots drawn on the floor of the waiting room when a familiar voice wafts through the halls of the hospital. Buck manages to look up just as Athena storms into the room, fists clenched at her sides, her mouth a thin line. She starts yelling and Buck knows he’s supposed to see her right now but her uniform is just a dark blue blur against the white walls of the hospital. He tastes the words as they leave his mouth, but he has no idea what he’s saying, numbed to his own voice. It’s only when Athena takes Bobby’s place by his side and holds him to his chest that Buck realises he’s sobbing, her lips murmuring reassuring nothings into his hair. He lets himself have this. Buck knows that this day from hell is far from over and there are about a half dozen people he needs to call, but for just a few minutes he basks in the comfort of Athena’s arms and lets himself break. Once his tears have dried Athena gives him a soft kiss on his forehead and gets up to find him something to eat. Buck doesn’t have the heart to tell her that his appetite died when Eddie got shot.
After what feels like hours, Buck takes a swig of water and finally looks around. Taylor is sitting on a chair across from him, typing furiously on her phone as she bites her bottom lip bloody. To Buck’s left Hen is quietly dozing off, her face peaceful. A warm hand lands on his shoulder and Buck turns to see Bobby handing him a cup of coffee before the captain sits down next to him. Bobby is quiet as Buck lets the warmth of the coffee seep into his palms. Finally, the older man takes a breath as if to say something but Buck beats him to it.
“I’m in love with him.” he blurts out.
In front of him Taylor stops typing. Buck glances sidewise to where Bobby is sitting and he finds the older man studying him. The captain opens his mouth a few times, as if struggling to find the right words.
“I know.” he finally settles on.
Buck chuckles, dropping his head low.
“Am I really that obvious?” he asks with a small smile, looking back at Bobby.
Taylor snorts but doesn’t look up from her phone, pretending to still be engrossed by whatever is on the screen.
“You got something to say, Tay?” inquires Buck teasingly, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs.
Taylor lets out an annoyed sigh and looks up at him, her eyes darting momentarily to Bobby, as if to ask for permission. The captain just shrugs, but it’s enough.
“Buck, honey, I love you, but you’re not half as subtle as you think you are.” she scoffs, a soft smile gracing her lips.
Buck takes a slow sip of his coffee. “So you all knew, huh?”
“Yes, Buckaroo, we all knew.” answers Hen, who in the meantime had woken up from her slumber, “So will you do us all a favour and ask him out already?”
Buck lets out a soft laugh and nods.
“Yeah, okay.” his voice shakes. “If he gets out of surgery I will.”
“When he gets out of surgery.” Bobby corrects him and wraps an arm around Buck’s shoulders.
Buck sends him a look of gratitude and goes back to staring at his shoes, head bowed forward.
“Evan Buckley?” calls out a voice from behind him.
Buck sprints out of his seat and turns to look at the kind nurse who’d patched him up earlier.
“Uh – yeah, that’s me.” he stammers, approaching her. Behind him Bobby, Hen and Taylor get up as well, their presence warm around him.
The nurse scrunches her nose underneath her mask and glances briefly at the clipboard she’s holding close to her chest.
“You’re signed here as Edmundo Diaz’s proxy?” she verifies.
Buck gives her a shaky nod, his throat constricting.
“Well, mister Buckley, I’m happy to say that Mr. Diaz just got out of surgery.” she pauses, gauging Buck’s reaction to her words. When he doesn’t move, doesn’t breath, doesn’t blink, she continues.
“It was a difficult surgery and although Mr. Diaz’s prospects are good, the doctors are keeping him under supervision in the ICU for a few hours just to be certain.” she lets her words sink in and Buck makes a mental note to bring her flowers once this whole thing blows over.
Buck inhales. He closes his eyes and counts the seconds as he holds his breath. He exhales and opens his eyes, nodding at the nurse to keep going.
“Now, Mr. Diaz’s recovery is going to be a long one so I’d recommend you go home, get a change of clothes for both you and him and call any family you might need to notify.” she pauses and, sensing the anxiety rolling off of Buck in waves, she seems to make a split-second decision. “I’m usually not supposed to do this, but if you leave me a phone number I can call you when he is transferred out of the ICU and can receive visitors. How does that sound?” she concludes, giving Buck a soft look.
“Uh – perfect, thank you. How can I ever –” he falters.
“Don’t worry about it, it’s what I do, honey.” she interrupts him with a hand on his arm “And if your boyfriend’s wound is anything to go by, you and I are going to see a lot of each other in the coming weeks. He’s going to need constant care and a whole lot of PT, especially if he intends on going back to work.” she squeezes his arm gently, excusing herself.
Buck turns around to look at Bobby, Hen and Taylor, who have been eerily quiet the whole time the nurse had been speaking.
“I have to tell Chris.” he mumbles to no one in particular, his eyes darting between the three of them. “he’s at abuela’s today, I can take an uber to her house, but someone should stay here just in case Eddie –” he leaves the sentence hang in the air, too scared to finish it.
“I’ll stay.” Bobby offers.
“And I’ll drive you. There’s no way I’m letting you take an uber.” adds Hen resolutely, leaving no space for discussion.
Taylor reaches out to take his hand, her eyes apologetic.
“I wish I could come with you and be of support, but my idiot boss won’t let me get time off. As soon as I get a break, I’ll text you, so please answer.” she stresses the last part and makes sure to catch his gaze as she does.
Buck just nods and after a quick hug from Bobby, him and the two women head for the exit. Once outside, Taylor gives him a kiss on the cheek, but before she can offer words of comfort her phone starts ringing. Cursing under her breath she settles on squeezing his forearm before she strides away, swearing into her phone.
The drive to abuela’s is quiet. Hen keeps sending worried glances his way when she thinks he can’t see her, but Buck elects to ignore her in favour of leaning his head against the car window. He must doze off because the next thing he knows Hen is parking in abuela’s driveway. Buck really wishes he hadn’t woken up.
“Hey Buckaroo, do you want me to come in with you?” Hen asks gently.
As much as Buck wishes he could have someone holding his hand as he tells Eddie’s family the news, he knows that this is something he needs to do alone.
“No, I’ve got this. But thanks, Hen.” he answers as he opens the car door and steps outside.
He almost misses her muttered you know it as he pushes the door shut and makes his way towards the house.
Standing on abuela’s porch, the ghost of Eddie’s blood clinging to his fingertips, Buck can’t bring himself to ring the doorbell. He just stands there, his hand frozen on the frame of the door. In the end abuela opens the door before he can muster the courage to move.
“Buck, cariño! It’s been too long!” she exclaims “I thought you and Edmundo had a shift.”
Buck’s words get stuck in his throat. Here is a smiling abuela wearing a stained apron, the smell of food wafting from the inside of the house and he has come to tell her that her grandson got shot. He feels a bit like Scrooge at Christmas.
“Yeah, we did.” he says softly. “But abuela, Eddie got hurt.”
Buck watches as her lips turn into a frown, her arms crossing over her chest.
“Buck, what happened?” she demands quietly.
“We were leaving a call and a sniper started shooting at us.” he takes a moment to pull himself together. “Eddie got shot.”
“He’s in the hospital and the doctors said the surgery went well, so he’s gonna be okay, abuela, I swear. He’s gonna be –”
She holds up a hand, her face inscrutable.
“I believe you, Buck. Thank you for taking care of my Edmundo.” she says solemnly.
Before he can argue that he failed, that really if Eddie is alive it’s only because the sniper was a lousy shot, abuela presses on.
“Now, Buck, mi amor, how are you?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.
Buck wants to laugh, wants to tell abuela that it’s absurd to worry about him when Eddie is the one who got shot, but when he tries to speak his hand flies to his mouth to muffle the wet ugly sound that spills out. Abuela gently takes hold of his elbow and waits him out as he looks up at the sky, trying to reign in his tears. When he looks back at her, Buck finds nothing but quiet understanding.
“Is Christopher here?” he manages to croak out.
“Yeah, he’s in the living room. Come on in.” answers abuela, motioning for him to follow her inside, her hand steady on his elbow.
The first time Buck had been to abuela’s house he’d immediately felt at home. From the hallway painted in warm tones to the arch opening on the living room, where a huge L-shaped couch takes up most of the space, Buck had immediately felt warm. And loved. Him and Eddie had had a long overnight shift and his best friend had invited him over to try abuela’s famous enchiladas before Buck went back to the loft and slept the day away. Later that morning he had left the house with a recipe for enchiladas, a new best friend and abuela’s number in his phone. The rest is history. A history that includes many cooking sessions, free Spanish classes and a few of Eddie’s embarrassing childhood stories. Now, as Buck makes his way into the all too familiar house, his heart clenches. Chris is sitting on the couch watching A New Hope for the 100th time, his favourite pillow tucked under his chin. If it weren’t for abuela’s hand on his elbow Buck would have bolted. He almost does anyways, but Chris chooses that moment to turn around.
“Buck!” he yells excitedly.
“Hey buddy.” breathes out Buck, walking around the couch to hug the boy.
Maybe he hugs Chris a bit too tight or maybe the kid is just too smart for his own good, because when Buck pulls back, he simply asks:
“Buck, where’s dad?”
Buck wants the earth to swallow him whole.
“You dad is not coming home tonight.” he whispers shakingly.
For a moment too long the only sound in abuela’s living room is Luke’s screams as Obi-Wan sacrifices himself. Buck wants to cry at the irony of it all.
“Why? What happened?” Christopher sounds puzzled.
“Your dad got shot on a call. He was in surgery and now they’re keeping him in the hospital for a while.” Buck pauses, holding Chris’s gaze. “He’s going to be okay.”
He doesn’t know who he says it for.
“Can I go see him?” asks Chris.
“No, not yet. But soon, I promise.” Buck answers, taken aback by how calm Chris is.
“Okay. I trust you, Bucky.” says the kid, matter-of-factly.
Before Buck can wrap his head around the exchange, Chris leans forward and wraps his arms around Buck’s neck. The boy must hear the sniffle Buck tries to suppress, because he turns to give him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.
“Don’t worry, kiddo. My dad has taken a bullet before and he came back home. He’ll come back this time too.” he whispers only for Buck to hear.
Buck pulls back to stare in awe at Chris, wondering how he got so lucky.
“I love you, kid.”
“I love you too, Buck.” Chris answers without missing a beat.
-
Once Buck has left abuela’s house with the promise that he’ll text as soon as he knows anything, he and Hen hit up his loft. At first Hen starts driving to Eddie’s house, but Buck lets out a weak nope and she changes route, heading for his place instead. At the loft he heads upstairs to pack a bag with the softest clothes he owns, throwing on his favourite hoodie for some extra comfort. When he walks downstairs to the kitchen Hen is waiting for him with a grilled cheese sandwich and a warm cup of coffee. Buck is about to refuse the sandwich but she gives him a stern look so he sits down and nibbles at it, alternating each small bite with a sip of the coffee. He wants to pout for being forced to eat, but Hen remembered to put caramel in his coffee so he doesn’t have the heart to be annoyed at her.
“Thanks.” he mumbles eventually around a bite of grilled cheese.
Hen huffs out a breath and drops a kiss in his hair.
“It’s the least I could do.” she murmurs in his curls before she drops down on the stool next to Buck’s with her own cup of coffee in hand.
For a while they just sit there, sipping their coffees with their shoulders pressed together.
They both jump when Buck’s phone starts ringing on the counter. Buck fumbles with it for a second before he’s able to answer it.
“Hello?” he says anxiously.
“Mr. Buckley, it’s nurse Riley from Hollywood Presbyterian. They are preparing to move Mr. Diaz out of the ICU and into room 834 on the eighth floor.” announces a now familiar voice.
“Oh wow, thank you so much!” answers Buck hurriedly, already heading for the door, Hen at his heels.
“See you soon, honey, please don’t speed.” chides him nurse Riley before she hangs up.
Technically it’s Hen who speeds. Buck is just in the passenger seat texting updates to abuela and the rest of the 118.
When the elevator doors open on the eighth floor it takes every ounce of restraint Buck has not to run to Eddie. Him and Hen walk up to the nurse’s desk where a resident points them in the direction of Eddie’s room. As Buck nears room 834, his heart descends into his stomach and a weight settles in his chest. When they finally reach their destination the door is ajar and Buck can just make out Eddie’s body underneath the hospital blanket. He pushes it open slowly, hesitating on the threshold.
The first thought that crosses Buck’s mind is that Eddie looks like a ghost. His best friend’s face is ashen, his chest barely rising under the white bandages wrapped around his right shoulder. If the monitor weren’t beeping at Eddie’s side, Buck would have thought he was dead. Shaking himself out of his reverie, he makes his way to the bed, grabbing a chair to sit on Eddie’s left. Except for the steady beep of the monitor, the room is so quiet Buck can hear the rustling of the sheets as he reaches out to cover Eddie’s hand with both his own. He finds it unbearable. He can’t stop looking at Eddie’s face, at the dark circles under his eyes, the fading pink of his lips. Resting his head on top of their joined hands he stares up at his best friend until his eyes start to droop and he dozes off in a restless sleep.
Eddie is screaming. Eddie is screaming and no matter how hard Buck pulls, his best friend doesn’t move an inch. Buck is now crying, sobbing out Eddie’s name, begging him to move, but Eddie just wails in agony as he bleeds out on the pavement. Eddie is still screaming when Buck wakes up in a cold sweat and realises he’s the one screaming.
He looks up to find Eddie staring at him like a deer in headlights, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. If the situation were any different Buck would laugh his ass off. As it is, he simply stares back as he waits for his breath to steady and his heart to slow down.
-
Eddie wakes up to the sound of screams. The last thing he remembers is his own crying as Buck collapsed next to him on the safe side of the ladder truck. Now, his eyes fly open and he finds himself staring at a hyperventilating Buck. Eddie sees his best friend try to regain his breath, both of his warm, big hands enveloping Eddie’s left. Eventually the lights of the hospital burn his eyes, so he squeezes them shut with a groan and simply listens to Buck’s strangled breaths. As he does, memories of the shooting flood back to his mind like a river through a broken dam. The bullet ricocheting through his shoulder, the smell of the asphalt underneath him, the warmth of blood on the side of his face. His blood on Buck’s face. Oh god, his blood on Buck’s face. If his stomach weren’t empty and his throat didn’t feel like the Sahara desert, Eddie would puke right here in his hospital bed. He relies on the steady beep of the heart monitor to reassure him that he is in fact not having a panic attack.
Still, no matter how hard he tries, Eddie can’t shake the image of his blood on Buck’s face. As he laid unmoving on the street all he’d wanted to do was wash the blood from his best friend’s brow. To kiss it away from his mouth. Unable to do either, he’d reached out, hoping Buck would understand. He slowly pries his eyes open to lock them on Buck, who’s still trying to breathe through the remnants of whatever nightmare he was just having. Eddie has a guess, recognising his own trauma on the other man’s face, but he doesn’t pry. He knows this is not the time and place. He also knows that even though Buck’s face is now clean and his hands have been scrubbed raw, his best friend will never wash Eddie’s blood off his skin the same way Eddie will never erase the image of his blood in Buck’s mouth from his brain. They are tied together by a twisted blood pact with the universe. Hysterically, Eddie thinks that God must really hate them.
“Hey.” he manages to croak out.
Buck looks at Eddie as if it’s the first time he actually sees him.
“Hey.” he breathes out, sounding relieved.
“How long was I out?” Eddie asks softly.
“Only a few hours, but you had a quite rough going at it.” says Buck.
“Where’s Chris? Does he –” Eddie pauses, unsure of what he’s even asking.
“He’s still at abuela’s, but he knows you’re fine.” Buck hurries to reassure him. “If you want I can ask her to bring him here or I can go get him –”
Eddie interrupts him with a squeeze of his good hand.
“That’s okay, I’d like to get some more rest before I see the kid.” he pauses. “I don’t want to scare him.” he admits quietly.
“Yeah, no, of course.” mumbles Buck.
Eddie takes a moment to truly look at him. The skin under Buck’s eyes looks livid, his bottom lip peeling and bruised where the man has bitten it, even his birthmark looks faded. It’s as if all the bright colours that are just so painfully Buck have been replaced with washed out, darker shades. Eddie desperately wishes he were an artist so he could steal tincts from the universe and give Buck a new, shinier palette. As it is, he settles on squeezing Buck’s hands where they’re still holding his. Buck squeezes back and offers Eddie the warmest smile he can muster, his lips still drooping at the corners. It’s not quite enough, but it’ll have to do for now.
As Eddie is about to try and breach the silence between them, someone knocks softly on the door. Both him and Buck jump slightly, too engrossed in each other.
At the door Ana is studying him with a look between pain and relief.
Eddie suddenly feels guilty.
Deep down he’s known for a while that things between them aren’t working, but until his conversation with Carla a few days prior he hadn’t let himself accept the reality of it. Ana was nice and kind and absolutely perfect with Christopher. It wasn’t enough. The night before, staring at the bunk above his, Eddie had realised that no matter how great Ana was, it would never be enough. And the reason was snoring softly in the bunk next to his. When he’d concluded that he needed to break up with her, the idea that he might have gotten shot hadn’t really crossed his mind. He’d planned to let her down as kindly as possible, but he should know by now that his plans always blow up in his face. Quite literally sometimes.
He’s so lost in his own thoughts that he doesn’t catch the way Buck bristles at her sight or the slow retreat of his best friend’s hands to his own lap. Only when Buck’s warmth is gone and Ana has crossed the room does Eddie shake off his thoughts. This might not be how he’d planned to change his life but getting shot is as good an occasion as any. Some may say it’s even better than average.
Buck nods at Ana and quietly slips out of the room, closing the door behind him.
For a while she just stands and looks at him the way a wild animal might look at a curious hiker. When she finally makes her way to Eddie’s side, she sits gingerly on the chair previously occupied by Buck. Eddie can’t help but think that she doesn't fit. And maybe Ana knows she doesn’t, because when she reaches out to hold his hand her touch is unsure, as if asking for permission. Permission to do what, Eddie doesn’t know exactly. Maybe to take over a position that was never hers to fill. For the first time Eddie is struck by the thought that maybe he’s not the only one who’s been having realisations about their relationship. He really shouldn’t be surprised, Ana has always been a smart woman.
“Hi.” he finally greets her.
“Hi, Edmundo.” she answers, biting her lip.
“Ana, I –” he stammers, unsure.
He takes a steadying breath.
“This is not how I wanted to do this.” Eddie admits.
Ana chuckles.
“This is not how I wanted to do this either, Edmundo.” she offers with a small smile.
Eddie really shouldn’t be as shocked as he feels.
“Of course you also figured out we weren’t working.” he huffs.
Ana bites her lip again, brushing her thumb across his knuckles.
“I think I’ve always known.” she admits. “You know, at first I ignored it – the little voice telling me it wasn’t going to work – but eventually I had to face the truth. You’re great, Edmundo, but your heart belongs to someone else.”
Eddie chokes on his own spit. Every cough courses painfully through his bullet wound, but he probably deserves it. Ana offers him a cup of water with a straw and once again Eddie feels like the biggest asshole on the planet. He’ll make sure to send her a fruit basket.
“So you figured that out too, huh?” he croaks out when the coughing fit subsides.
“Wasn’t that hard.” she quips with a grin. “All you and Christopher ever talk about is Buck.”
“Fair enough.” he concedes with a contrite smile.
“Well then I guess this is goodbye. For now.” she says after a beat, squeezing his hand. “Don’t be a stranger, Edmundo.”
“I won’t.” he answers as she gets up. “And Ana – thanks.”
She waves him off.
“Don’t mention it.” she says, still smiling. “Just – tell him okay? If anything, this accident should teach you that we aren’t promised tomorrow.”
Eddie just nods and watches as she walks out, leaving the door ajar in her wake and makes a mental note to find the biggest fruit basket in all of LA.
A few minutes later he notices Buck approach the room unsurely, stopping just outside the door.
“You can come in Buck, I don’t bite.” Eddie quips in an attempt to lighten the mood.
Buck seems to take the olive branch because his face morphs into a teasing smile, his shoulders losing a bit of their stiffness.
“Oh I know, Diaz. You’ve always been all bark no bite.” he retorts.
“Is that so?” says Eddie, raising an eyebrow.
Buck laughs softly as he takes back his seat and for a moment Eddie forgets they’re in a hospital. For a split second it’s only him and Buck, the way they always are. Then Buck’s smile dims and his gaze gets clouded.
“Hey, where did you go just now?” Eddie nudges him.
Buck grimaces, his eyes suddenly glassy.
“It’s just –” he breathes out, holding back a sob. “I almost lost you, Eddie. And I – I can’t stop seeing you fall down, over and over.” he says, his voice breaking as he ducks his head to avert Eddie’s eyes.
Buck looks so small it makes Eddie’s heart break.
“Buck.” he tries. “Buck, hey, please look at me.”
When Buck finally looks up Eddie reaches out, but his best friend is still too far. However, Buck must catch on to his intentions because he takes Eddie’s hand into one of his own and laces their fingers together.
“I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, okay?” he murmurs, squeezing his hand.
Buck mumbles something too quiet for Eddie to hear.
“I didn’t quite catch that.” he jokes softly.
“You coded twice in the ambulance.” says Buck, his voice barely a whisper.
There’s something in his eyes, like a funeral waiting to happen, that makes Eddie want to envelop Buck in bubble wrap.
Unable to find the right words he brings their joined hands to his mouth and softly kisses the back of Buck’s hand. It turns out to be the right answer because Buck is now looking at Eddie like he hangs the moon. (Later Chim will tell him that Buck always looks at him like he hangs the moon, Diaz, for the love of God, how did you not notice?) Eddie breathes out against their joined hands before lowering them back on the bed.
“Buck –” he starts at the same time as Buck says “Eddie –”.
“You go first.” Buck says.
“Buck, I know this is probably the worst time ever to say this, but a wise woman reminded me that we are not promised tomorrow so –” he pauses, taking note of the way Buck’s hand squeezes his a little tighter at the mention of the shooting. “I was wondering if you’d like to go on a date with me.”
Eddie has to press his fingers to Buck’s pulse point to make sure his best friend is still breathing.
“What about Ana?” Buck stammers.
That’s Buck’s only objection? Against his better judgment, Eddie lets himself hope.
“I broke up with her. Or she broke up with me? Anyways it was a mutual thing and it was a long time coming.” he reassures Buck. “So, what do you say, Buck? Will you go out with me?”
Buck ducks his head to hide his chuckle.
“Yeah, Eddie.” he laughs, looking up again. “I’ll go out with you.”
Eddie can’t help but beam at him.
“Good.”
Buck curses under his breath, barking out a laugh.
“Oh man, Hen is never going to let me live this down.” he sighs, still smiling.
At Eddie’s puzzled look, Buck explains: “I promised her that when you woke up I would ask you out.”
Now it’s Eddie’s turn to laugh, uncaring of the stabbing pain it sends through his chest.
“Guess I beat you to it.” he quips.
“Well thankfully this is not a game I mind losing.” concedes Buck with a smirk.
“Come here.” Eddie whispers, pulling Buck close with his good hand.
Buck moves to sit on the edge of the bed and props up his left leg so that his thigh is snug to Eddie’s side. Eddie reaches up with his hand to cup Buck’s cheek. He almost melts at the way Buck closes his eyes, leaning into the touch.
When they kiss it’s everything Eddie imagined and more. It’s just a soft peck, both of them careful not to jostle Eddie’s shoulder, but he can fit their entire future in it. Quietly, they lean back, their foreheads pressed together, breaths mingling.
“Stay with me.” Eddie whispers and it feels like leaping off a cliff.
“Always.” Buck whispers back, no hesitation in his voice.
And of course with Buck by his side leaping off cliffs is the safest sport in the world.
Later Bobby will be the one to find them snuggled together, Buck’s head on Eddie’s good shoulder, both his arms sneaked around the older man’s waist. Eddie’s good hand will be curled into Buck’s hair, his mouth leaving a ghostly kiss on his forehead. Later they will have to explain to a very shocked Chim how they finally got their heads out of their asses. Later there will be hours of PT and therapy sessions. There will be nightmares and loving arms to soothe them. There will be milestones, hundreds of them and just as many kisses. But for now there are only Buck and Eddie, leaning on each other like they have always done.