Work Text:
Overheard in a diner
So, you wanna know about the new guy? Adam? Yeah, he seemed a pretty decent fella. Kept his head down and worked hard, kept himself to himself, y'know? Which was great because we've had some people here in the past who are just always bringing it with the drama. Like they just can't leave it at home, you know the type. I've always been a private person myself; I don't want everyone here knowing everything about me and my personal business.
Oh, no, no, it's not like that. I've got nothing to hide. I just mean that when you's the boss it's good to have boundaries with the people you're hirin' an' firin'.
Yeah, I can see from your expression you know what I mean, right? Ha ha, sometimes, to be honest, it's the other way around, and when I'm at work, it's a break not to be thinking about the family, yeah? Oh, okay, not a family guy, huh?
Anyhow, as I said, he was a decent guy: young fella, but with a haunted look around the eyes. I kinda had the feeling he'd either done hard time or had served his country, or maybe a little bit of both. Gotta respect that. Me, I was too young for Korea, too old for Vietnam, and my ma kept me on the straight and narrow in between. What? Nah, he never talked about it, but there were gaps in his history. I mean, I like to think I run a pretty tight ship here, and while I'd like to think I'm willing to give a guy a second chance, I'm not just gonna give any bozo who walks in off the street a job.
Although thinking about it, I guess that's kinda what I did. I mean, he came across well, looked like a hard worker. Bit quiet, but I can't have all the staff flirting with all the customers, y'know what I'm saying, buddy? No? Yeah, well, anyway, the wife took one look at him – and I've not been married for forty years if I didn't recognize that expression – and insisted I hire him. What is it about the ladies and stray puppies, am I right? I don't get it. Yeah, I see you agree with me, don'tcha?
So, like I said, the wife's keen to hire him right there on the spot, but I'm wondering if she's just busting to get back on her ass behind the cash desk instead of filling in and serving tables. I'm less sure, thinking the guy's maybe got a shady history, but then I have this sudden Eureka moment -- the light bulbs over my head even exploded, and everything -- and, before you know it, I'm shaking his hand and giving him the job. It was like I couldn't stop myself, like... like a compulsion... like the people you see on TV who can't stop eating.
So yeah, he started immediately! And that's when things started to get real weird.
Nah, nah, nothing freaky or nothing. It was just little things at first, like the way he'd sometimes stare off into space like he was lost in his own head. And he had a funny little habit of talking to himself when he didn't think anyone was listening. Did it in different voices too!
Did he talk about what, now? No, it was mainly explaining obvious stuff, like when he was chatting away to himself about what Ketchup was and why some people like it and others prefer mustard.
All deep and growly, he said something like, "Would it not be more efficient to instruct the customer of the optimal condiment?" Then in his normal voice, he muttered back, "No, free will is important to humans."
That really tickled me, him getting all deep and philosophical about food. I can get behind that, but the talking like he's different people, not so much. Reminded me too much of that old, scary, exercise movie with the priest and the girl with all the pea soup. Oh, you thought it was a comedy? Different strokes for different folks, as they say.
Anyway, as I've said, Adam was more the strong, silent type and pretty darn strong at that, too. Good for delivery day, cause I ain't getting any younger, let me tell you, and any day my back doesn't ache is a miracle. But then one night, some nut job tried to hold up the place, and before you know it, the hood's flying back out the front door and landing on his ass, and Adam's there holding the fella's shotgun all calm as you please.
Visitors? It's funny you should ask, cause for the longest time there was nothing. Which was a blessed relief, let me tell you. Did I mention that in the past we've had more than our fair share of people who are just always bringing it with the drama... oh, I did, huh?
Then one afternoon, this young fella comes in, all of 90lbs when wet and with floppy hair. He kinda reminded me a little of a young Jefferson Rooney... What? Yeah, I voted for him! Wish I hadn't, since the guy turned out to be an asshole. I wonder what happened to him? Anyway, the kid's eyes just about bugged out on seeing Adam, and he was all like, "Uncle Michael, Uncle Michael."
Adam's suddenly all shifty, looking this way and that like a cornered animal. I'm about to step in and tell the kid to lay off the guy and scram, when all the hair on the back of my neck stands up. There must have been some kinda freak electrical storm because there's a flash and all the light bulbs explode... again. I guess the wife's right; I probably do need to get the electrics looked at.
Anyway, I guess I was distracted because, by the time everyone else is calmed down, I look back around, and the two were talking together as thick as thieves.
I'm not having that; I'm not some sucker. So, I gave Adam a broom and told him to get to work clearing up the mess and to socialize on his own time, thank you very much. I'm not gonna lie, but the tension that built up in the room was electric, so thick you could practically cut it with a knife. For a moment, I thought we were gonna get hit with another lightning strike, but then the darndest thing happened. The kid suddenly piped up, "It's okay, Michael," and it was like the world snapped back to normal, and Adam was on his feet sweeping up the broken glass.
I asked him why the kid had called him Michael, and he gave me some cockamamie story about it being his middle name or something. That's when I knew things were strange. Cause I know for a fact that his middle name is John, from one of the few times Adam ever spoke about himself. It was back when he first started; for some reason, the subject of fathers came up, and he said it was the only thing his pops had ever left him. I remember thinking how sad that was, so it stuck in my mind.
So, anyway, the kid came in a couple more times that week, and every time they had this funny little joke. He'd always greet him with this awkward hand raise and "Hello, Adam," and "Hello, Michael." Then, when he left, it would be "Bye, Michael," and "Bye, Adam." And Adam would reply "Hello, Jack," or "Goodbye, Jack," but he'd always say it twice, and he'd do it in different voices like he was two different people. Odd, but then I don't get these young people's humor.
Yeah, the kid's name was Jack. Didn't I mention that before? You know him? No, you're right; I guess he's not living up to his potential, but then what kid today does, huh? They all think they know it all, and they're too busy staring at their phones to know any better. Well, you asked my opinion, buddy; no need to get all outta whack about it.
Okay, so then, one day, these two big galoots come in with the kid. Looked like hired muscle if you asked me - good-looking fellas, but faces like thunder. If I thought Adam had been through some trials, then these guys seriously looked like bad news. Lock up your daughter and your cash register, bad news.
Talking of which, I tell you, I love my daughter, but she's got terrible taste in men, as I'm sure her ex-husbands would agree, and she got this kinda crazed look in her eye, so I made sure to send her out to help in the kitchen. Not that I needed to worry as the kid, Jack, introduced them to Adam as his dads. To be honest, I wasn't really surprised; I just have this talent of knowing what people are about just by looking at them. It's like a skill I was born with.
Now, I'm not the type to gossip, but it turned out that Adam knew them already somehow. Then, some fella who looks like their accountant turns up to join them – the guy must walk real quiet because it was like he just appeared behind me, gave me the fright of my life – and apparently he's one of the dads too! I dunno, I may be a lapsed catholic, but I still don't really understand these modern families...
What'd they all talk about? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure, cause at that point, my daughter made this big ol' production of coming back outta the kitchen and bringing them a fresh pot of coffee, so I couldn't overhear exactly what they were saying. Yes, it was terrible, you're right! We still had two pots half-full from the morning. Does she think I'm made of money?
Oh, I don't know! Their family business, I think. Although, by the way they were all griping on about their various family members, you'd think it was the end of the world! Some people just don't know they're born, am I right?
I did ask Adam about them later, and he said they did some kinda pest control and were working a job in the neighborhood. I'll say this for them, there's definitely no more of that weird scratching in the walls from the place next door since they came by, so they must be good at what they do.
Shame, really, because then they announced they were heading off to finish some big, final job together. I did tell Adam that I'd keep his job here open for him, if he wanted. I mean, we might always seem to get through more salt and lightbulbs than was reasonable when he was around, but he was a damn hard worker. But he said he didn't think anyone would be coming back. I guess all of them were gonna be moving on to new pastures...
Sure, sure, if he does come back, I'll let you know. Just gimme your business card.
Hmm, Louis Cypher, Morningstar Detective Agency? Yeah, I think I've heard of youse.
You take care now, God bless.
...
Hey, Adam. You can come out now, the guy's gone. Thank God, he gave me the heebie-jeebies just looking at him. And I could barely get a word in edgeways, what a schmuck.
Huh, yeah, I guess assbutt's a good description too!
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