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“The rain,” I say leaning my head further onto the darkened wooden beam, my body slightly shivering, “It’s making me wet.”
Melodious laughter was heard from behind me, a sound that always soothes the raging storm within the depths of my own head.
“Yeah, that’s the point. Why don’t you just come inside, I promise it’ll fix your problem.” Satoru’s voice was soft, but the slight teasing tone wasn’t missed.
“You know why I can’t.”
His lips went into a grim line, “Yeah, I know.”
The silence made the sound of the rain feel louder in my ears. Nothing could be heard but the sound of my breathing and the rain mixing together. I knew I was being irrational, staying in the rain. It wasn’t going to fix what had been broken, nor was it going to help me heal. If anything, I was definitely going to get a cold and end up sick for the next few days. Maybe it’s what I deserve. A passing thought.
“Can you bring me a towel? I don’t wanna make your house as dreary as the outside.” I finally said, standing up. My legs were numb from sitting in the same position for a prolonged period of time, making me a bit unsteady on my feet.
He tossed me a white towel, the scent reminded me of the flowers I had bought a week before. I took off my soaked clothes from my cold, shivering body before wiping myself down. Satoru ended up letting me borrow one of his hoodies. My body was much leaner in comparison to his more muscular frame, so I ended up drowning in the soft fabric. I was fine with it though, it smelt the same as the pretty flowers and a bit of him. He always loves it when I wear his clothes.
“Movie and cuddles?”
“Please.”
Satoru ended up putting on a cheap action movie, I couldn’t even bother to remember the name of it. I ended up not being able to focus on the movie, millions of other demanding, darker thoughts plaguing my mind. The same scene was constantly on replay in my mind. The blood, the smell, the sound. The words that were said right before he hit the floor. It was all too much. I don’t deserve to be sitting here. I don’t-
“Yuuji? Are you okay?”
I blinked. Then I blinked again before being able to fully comprehend what was asked, I reply with a simple, “Yeah.”
His eyebrows drawn together in a frown, “You’re not watching the movie. What are you thinking about?”
“Honestly?’
He slightly nods.
“I keep thinking about him. The scene keeps replaying in my mind. I… I feel like it should have been me. He died because of me.” I wiped the tears that started to fall, in shame, ”I feel guilty thinking that because it means I would be leaving you behind. No one should have died, it was my fault that it happened. So, it should have been me.”
The movie paused, nothing but my sobs were disrupting the silence around us. Arms that were previously loose around my waist, turned me around and pulled me into his chest with a comforting hug.
“No.”
I looked up with reddened swollen eyes, “Huh?”
“It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. Nobody could have predicted what was going to happen, especially not you. It was an unfortunate situation, something that could have been prevented, only from the curses attack never happening in the first place. Trust me when I say that if you’re responsible, then we all are. My only regret is not being there to comfort you when it happened.” He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I love you, so much that any beautiful words seem dull in comparison to you. You are the last person that should feel like this. Please never talk about leaving me again.”
“I’m sorry,” I sob out, “I’m so sorry.”
The rain hitting the window did nothing to help drown out my cries. Even the sky seemed to weep, or maybe it was a message. Like it was telling me to let it all out so that I can move on, so that I can forgive myself for that day.
The rest of the night was spent in comforting arms and in soothing words. The rain continued into the late night, the sound of the droplets hitting the window pacifying us both into a deep slumber. One spent in each other's warmth.
-----
In the end, I woke up with a slight fever and an aggressive sneeze. One that Satoru called a kitten sneeze, but I had thought of it more like a volcano erupting multiple times over. Although I was sick, I headed to the porch outside to get some fresh air. Of course, it smelt like wet grass and dirt, but it was refreshing nonetheless. The damp, cool air helped my overheated body cool down, making the fever a little more bearable.
After the incident, the world around me seemed to shrink. Nothing around me seemed real, it was like walking through a tunnel except with no light at the end. Just eternal darkness. A deep depression had taken over me, falling deeper and deeper until all the air had been taken from my lungs. At the time, I wanted to stay there, believing that I belonged there for what I had done and what I didn’t do.
I stayed at the bottom until Satoru pulled me from the depths, breathing life back into my lungs. He helped me learn to swim again.
I felt a blanket being draped over my shoulders and looked up to see him with a small smile, “Wear this. I don’t want you to get the chills.”
“Thanks.” I say, wrapping the blanket a little tighter around my body. We sat in a comfortable silence, just enjoying the view of the new flowers that had bloomed and the fresh leaves on the trees. It was spring after all. The season of rebirth.
“I made breakfast if you're hungry. I know you don’t feel well so I kept it light, just some pancakes and fruit.” He said, lending out a hand.
I grabbed it with a smile on my face, “You know I love your cooking. Even if the pancakes are bur- achoo.”
Satoru grabbed my waist, pulling me into his body. “If you don’t stop being so cute I might just eat you up for breakfast!’
“Satoru!”
He was my lifeline.