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Alya can only look in slight horror and odd fascination at the scene in front of her. That good old car accident example? Yes, the most fitting explanation of whatever is going on here. Look, she has already experienced a lot. She has seen Marinette embarrass herself in front of sunshine boy so often it shouldn’t hurt anymore.
Except that it does. Because this time, someone else is involved.
Kagami stood up from the bench so abruptly that both Adrien and Marinette jump at the movement. The space between them is left in emptiness, and Kagami’s seriousness is almost comical as she stiffly stands in place, looking from Adrien to Marinette and back again. The ice cream cone in her hand staying in front of her as she bends her elbow in a perfect ninety-degree angle, a fascinating statue of self-control.
“Your invitation to have ice cream together was very generous, but I will now take my leave.” A pause. “Seeing as this seems to be a rather large bench, I would advise you to slide closer to each other. Else, you risk occupying a perfectly fine place to sit which could be used by another person. A surely avoidable act of selfishness, I would argue.”
Alya gapes, her freshly bought ice cream in her hand. Adrien gapes, his not-so-freshly bought ice cream slowly melting. Marinette gapes, her almost eaten ice cream no more than a sad pile of blueish mishmash.
“You’re already leaving?” Nino joins them, the only one among them not completely flabbergasted by Kagami’s sudden announcement. “Aw, shucks. Thought we could hang out longer, dudette. Well –”
“Yes,” Kagami replies sharply, her head whirling around to Alya and Nino. In a sudden instinct, Alya jumps, readying herself for the sudden attack. “As will you. Because this has been our plan from the start. To leave at,” she inconspicuously glances at her wristwatch – which is to say, she does it so hastily that it makes the whole ordeal even worse, “exactly two thirty-five and thirteen seconds. Fourteen. Fifteen.”
“Wait,” Nino drawls. “What?”
“Eighteen. Nineteen. Nino Lahiffe, the clock is ticking. We all shall take our leave now.”
Marinette blinks. “We all? Where are we –”
“We all,” Kagami interrupts her harshly, “except for you and Adrien. And, as I noted before, you’re still occupying a lot of space on this otherwise rather spacious bench. So please move closer to each other.”
Alya resists the urge to facepalm.
“Um,” Adrien carefully says. “Why only … I mean, not that I want to pry, but …”
“Secret,” Kagami replies with a self-confidence that would have made anyone shut up.
Alya starts to sweat. She looks at her ice cream. It’s melting. Great. She looks at Kagami again, at her stiff pose, at the slightest quiver of nervousness in her fingers, and then she clears her throat.
“What Kagami is trying to say –” she starts.
“Scoot,” Kagami repeats, gesturing at the empty space between Adrien and Marinette. “Now.”
Marinette blenches. Stares at her. Slowly moves closer to Adrien. There’s still enough space between them to make them seem perfectly awkward, and Marinette’s ice cream has melted into blue soup by now.
Kagami’s right eye twitches. “I realize that my instructions might not have been very clear, but I at least assumed –”
“Two thirty-five, Kagami!” Alya interrupts her so loudly it even makes herself wince. “Two thirty-freaking-five! We’re gonna be late to our secret meeting!”
“Meeting?” Marinette squeaks, staring at her.
“Meeting … spot,” Kagami corrects, face void of any emotion.
“Spot?” Adrien repeats, frowning.
“Secret meeting spot.” Alya nods. “For secrets.”
“Secrets,” Nino muses out loud, raising an eyebrow.
“Secrets. Yes. Meeting spot. For secrets. But not secret meetings. Only the spot.” Alya internally facepalms. Externally, she puts on her best smile and swiftly loops an arm around Kagami’s. The one that isn’t still bent at a perfectly right angle, that is. “We’ll be at the spot. The secret one. So have fun on the spacious bench!”
“I’ve heard that sharing ice cream in close proximity while occupying close seating spaces on rather large benches is a very common practice in France, so I’d advise you to give it a try and analyze possible outcomes!” Kagami calls over her shoulder as she is dragged away.
It takes Alya three internal heart attacks to arrive somewhere Adrien and Marinette can definitely not see them anymore. Alya’s ice cream has taken on a slightly weird form of half-liquidity by now, and she makes a face at it before she stares at Kagami. Nino followed them dutifully, looking between Kagami and his girlfriend as Alya takes a deep breath. Another one. Another one.
“What?” she eventually verbalizes her thoughts.
Kagami blinks slowly. “Pardon?”
Alya gestures with her ice cream. Tries to calm herself down and takes an experimental bite. Yeah, weird sweet soup. She decidedly shoves the cone in Nino’s direction, waits for him to take it from her fingers, and keeps staring at Kagami.
“What?” she repeats.
Kagami raises an eyebrow. “You will have to pose your questions in a more precise manner, I’m afraid.”
“Ah. Okay. I see. Sorry.” Alya nods. Gestures just as fiercely as before at the direction they came from. “The hell was that?”
Kagami blinks yet again. “Oh. You mean my attempt at setting up two people who are clearly made for each other?”
“Okay. Okay. Hold on.” Alya takes another deep breath. Breathing is good. Breathing helps. “You’re playing matchmaker with your ex-boyfriend, trying to couple him off with the one girl you saw as your rival?”
Kagami tilts her head. “I suppose so, yes. It seems to be a common practice, seeing as this is what you, as Marinette’s so-called best friend, have been trying to do for years, no?”
“Well –”
“Even during the time Adrien and I were in a romantic relationship. Which you clearly knew about.”
Alya opens her mouth. Closes it again. “Um, well –”
“Then I don’t see any problem with me attempting the same. With the additional benefit of knowing that neither one of them is romantically unavailable right now.”
If this was meant to be an offending remark, Kagami’s ever so emotionless eyes don’t give away anything. Alya risks a glance at Nino who is following their conversation with slight bashfulness as he nibbles at one of his ice creams first, then his second one, perfectly content with the weird sweet soup Alya shamelessly handed him.
“Look, about that,” Alya eventually mumbles. “I should apologize. I didn’t really – well, I should have considered your feelings, but –”
“There’s no need to apologize. It’s only a sign that you realized sooner than I did what should have been obvious from the start.” Kagami’s posture is as stiff as ever. She doesn’t show even a hint of a smile. “That it’s not me who Adrien should be with.”
For a moment, Alya feels kind of ridiculed. She frowns. Tries to find just a tiny tinge of malice on Kagami’s face. She finds nothing, though.
“Okay,” she therefore replies, voice small and unsure. “Yeah. I guess.”
“I’m glad we’re on the same page on this matter. In this sense, I will ask you not to interfere with my plans.”
“Plans,” Alya repeats slowly. Then she squints. “Like what you tried to do right now?”
“Yes. Physical proximity is helpful for building a lasting and meaningful relationship.”
Alya keeps staring. Next to them, Nino is blissfully eating his ice cream, not saying a word. At least the weather is beautiful. Hot and sunny and Alya takes another deep breath.
“You are the worst matchmaker I have ever seen,” she eventually professes. “I mean, no offense, but –”
“What a curious statement, seeing as you have been attempting the same for approximately two years. Remind me of your success rate again?”
Alya stares at her. “You usually follow something like this up with ‘no offense’.”
“Ah. Thank you.” Kagami nods. “No offense.”
“Some taken.”
“I am not sure how to react to such a statement.”
“Not at all.” Alya massages the bridge of her nose. Turns her head to look at Nino. “So, what do you say? On a scale from one to ten, how bad was it?”
Nino startles, staring at Alya wide-eyed. “Who? Me? Scale?”
“Yes,” Alya drawls. “You. Scale. Now.”
“Uh. A solid four?”
Kagami stares at him, not moving a millimeter. “With one being the worst possible score?”
“Uh – yes – I guess?”
“That is below average,” she whispers under her breath. “I shall conduct proper research.”
“No, no, don’t research!” Alya wildly flails her hands. “Look – matchmaking is a form of art. It’s something subtle. Something you’d have to have a certain talent for. And I don’t want to say you don’t possess the ability to be subtle, or that you aren’t talented …”
Kagami looks at her, prompting her to go on with a stern look.
“Yeah,” Alya sighs. “Okay. Sorry. Exactly what I want to say. You aren’t subtle, and you sure as heck have no talent as a matchmaker.”
Kagami’s eyes darken. “Is this supposed to be a subtle challenge, Césaire? Seeing as you sure seem to possess this apparently rare ability called subtlety.”
“No –”
“I hereby accept.”
“Wait –”
“Nino Lahiffe, you shall be our witness.” She sharply turns to Nino who startles yet again, almost stuffing one of his two cones into his face on accident. “I demand rules which will determine the winner of this match.”
“Rules?” Nino repeats, his voice more high-pitched than usual.
“Look, Kagami –” Alya tries again.
“Yes. If, as a result of my very own matchmaking tactics, Adrien and Marinette are to partake in a romantic date, I will emerge as the victor of this match.”
“God damn it, Kagami!” Alya interrupts her. “Are you even hearing what you’re saying? You broke up with Adrien two weeks ago, and now you want to set him up with Marinette?”
“Yes,” Kagami replies without skipping a beat. “Precisely.”
Alya gapes. Slowly drags a hand over her face. Whatever, she thinks. Whatever. Just accept it, Alya. Just accept it.
“Do you have any idea what you’re getting into?” she mumbles against her palm. “Why do I think I’m still on it after two years?”
“Because your own skills at being a matchmaker are severely lacking.” Kagami hesitates. Taps against her chin. “No offense.”
“Wow. You’re a quick learner.”
“That’s what I’ve been told.”
“Okay, then! Okay.” Alya releases a deep sigh. “Let’s do it. Tomorrow. I’ll text you our classes for tomorrow, and you try not to make it even worse than it already is. All right?”
Kagami squints. “You seem less than happy.”
“I’m only worried about your own sanity. There’s a reason you managed to snatch Adrien away from her that quickly.” Alya shrugs. “No offense.”
“You seem to like this phrase a lot.”
“One of my favorites.”
“Because it allows you to ignore social conventions while simultaneously providing an excuse for offending people at your leisure?”
Alya stares, holding back from gritting her teeth.
“No offense,” Kagami adds, sounding just a bit unsure.
“None taken,” Alya returns.
Next to them, Nino keeps eating his second ice cream, giving Alya a thumbs-up as she sends him a helpless look. Well, so that’s going to be fun.
Alya knows second-hand embarrassment is a thing. Of course – it almost became a daily habit. Watching Marinette being a clumsy and stuttering mess is only cute the first one hundred and fifty times. Afterwards, it becomes a bit repetitive.
She never knew second-hand embarrassment could almost kill you, though. Seriously, if she happens to die, she is so going to sue Kagami. Not a second of hesitation. Because when the bell rings for their first break, the classroom’s door already flies open, revealing a petite girl with the iciest and most determined look Alya has ever seen.
Alya is slumping down in her seat, trying not to mentally dissociate from the whole situation as she watches Kagami’s fierce steps. Technically, they’re already free to leave the classroom, but none of her other classmates move, and even Ms. Bustier stares at Kagami funnily.
Sacred silence settles as Kagami comes to a halt before Adrien. She stares at him. He stares back.
“Um –” he starts.
“Hello, Adrien. I would ask about your wellbeing if there weren’t more important matters to take care of.” She swiftly produces two cinema tickets from her jacket, thrusting them in Adrien’s direction with a velocity that makes him jump back with a squeak. “I’m afraid I cannot attend the premier of this movie, and I would ask you to use these two tickets in my stead. I expect you to choose a worthy partner for yourself.”
“Oh, Adrikins!” Chloé lilts from the other side. “I’ll gladly –”
Kagami directs an icy glare in Chloé’s direction. “I will be severely disappointed if you deem this girl an appropriate choice.”
With an indignant sound, Chloé moves past them, tossing back her hair. “Whatever, weird fencing girl.”
Adrien stares at the tickets. Slowly and carefully takes them from her fingers. “Um, Kagami, you know that you can always return them? They even have a refund policy, so if you –”
“I’m not familiar with the concept of refunds,” Kagami quickly interrupts. Despite her neutral tone, a shimmer of red appears on her cheeks, and it’s the exact moment Alya knows she is panicking.
Damn it.
“I could,” Adrien says slowly, “explain the concept of refunds to you, if you want me to?”
“Oh, I could too,” Nino joins in, and in her impulsive disbelief, Alya quickly rips a piece of paper from her notepad, crumples it up, and throws it against Nino’s head with a momentum that makes Nino yelp.
“Oh, wow, Kagami, that’s so nice of you!” Alya quickly tries to save the situation. “Come on, sunshine. You can’t just tell her no. That’s such a nice offer!”
Adrien stares at Alya. Then he turns back to Kagami. “I mean, if you insist … I could go with Nino?”
“Absolutely not,” Kagami responds so sharply they all collectively wince. Including Marinette who now cranes her neck to have a better look at the tickets. Kagami clears her throat. “Nino makes for a terrible movie partner.”
Nino blinks. “Thanks.”
Kagami blinks. “No offense.”
Nino blinks again. “Some taken.”
“A horror movie?” Marinette squeaks, leaned over her desk before she immediately backs away again. “Woah – I’ll – I’ll pass!”
Kagami all but freezes. Blinks at the tickets. Blinks at Marinette. Slowly lets her eyes drift to Alya.
Damn it.
“Ah, yeah, I remember,” Adrien says, a little laugh in his voice. “You don’t like horror movies, right?”
“Oh god, no, I hate them.” Marinette shudders as she makes a face. “So please don’t choose me.”
“Marinette Dupain-Cheng.” With the fury of a warrior, Kagami directs her blazing eyes at Marinette. “If you keep running from your fears, you will never overcome them. I believe you should accompany Adrien to this movie.”
Marinette blenches. “Um, but I –”
“I really don’t want to force her?” Adrien offers, giving Marinette an unsure look.
“If Marinette would realize that exposure to her own fears is the most beneficial course of action –”
“Nino and I will gladly accept those tickets!” Alya chirps loudly, almost sounding frantic as she leans over the desk to snatch the tickets away from underneath Adrien’s nose. “Wow, our favorite franchise too! Thank you so much, Kagami, we appreciate it!”
Kagami frowns. “Actually –”
“Yeah, we’ll gladly pay you back!”
“But they are supposed to –”
“Yeah, I know, it’s supposed to be such a gruesome movie, I can’t believe it either!”
“I’m sorry to interrupt your loud and exciting conversation,” Ms. Bustier says as she approaches them, “but are you even legally allowed to watch that movie?”
Kagami turns around to her. “Under the surveillance of an adult, yes.”
“Which we were totally bearing in mind.” Alya grins smoothly. “An adult. And surveillance. Good things. Especially if combined.”
Kagami sends her a long look. Alya sends a long look back. When she subtly nods at the door, Kagami only frowns. So, with a sigh, Alya stands up and approaches Kagami, eventually slinging an arm around her shoulder as she drags Kagami to the door.
“Again, so very nice of you!” she says cheerily, feeling her classmates’ eyes follow her to the hallway. “I can’t believe you would just give those tickets away like that! I can’t –” Only when she is sure that nobody will be able to hear them anymore does she drop her voice to a whisper. “Bad move, Kagami. Really bad move.”
“How was I supposed to know that Marinette is afraid of exaggerated special effects and abysmal storylines?” Kagami rolls her eyes. Still, by the shimmer of red still resting on her cheeks, Alya is pretty sure that she isn’t too unfamiliar with embarrassing awkwardness. And especially its effects on your own wellbeing.
Even worse than second-hand embarrassment, Alya assumes.
“See what I told you about matchmaking being an art?”
“I don’t understand why it would be so outrageous to just tell them to go on a date.”
“Because,” Alya presses her a little closer, “that’s the secret about relationships, Kagami. You gotta make it look like it was their idea, or else it won’t be the same.”
“So, manipulate them.”
“That, or just force some blissful happiness on them.”
“I don’t think I am good at manipulating, nor at forcing happiness on anyone.”
“It’s why I said you wouldn’t be a good matchmaker.”
Kagami frowns. They pass by some students, but none of them really pays them any mind.
“I cannot stand their indecision, though,” Kagami eventually says. “They clearly belong together, and every second they are apart makes me wonder just how blind they must be.”
Alya sighs deeply. “Welcome to my world, then.”
Alya feared that it isn’t over. Her expectations are confirmed when she sees Kagami during lunch break, decidedly turning towards their table before she approaches them, one fierce step after the next. Alya stops talking at once, and from the corners of her eyes, she sees Marinette looking up, her face falling at the expression of determination Kagami shows.
She comes to a halt in front of the table. Adrien stares. Nino stares. The two girls stare. Kagami stares back.
“Hello,” she says.
“Hi,” Alya chirps, trying to sound as cheery as possible.
“I would like to sit here.” Both hands on her tray, Kagami nods at the seat Marinette is currently occupying. Marinette looks at her out of wide eyes.
“Uh – um. Yeah, sure, no problem,” she eventually returns, waiting until Nino slides a bit to the side, and Alya is forced to do the same, and Adrien is forced to do the same, and Kagami frowns at all of them, regarding the table and the chairs and clicking her tongue.
“This is aesthetically unpleasing.”
Alya very inconspicuously rubs her forehead, trying not to release a deep sigh.
“What is aesthetically unpleasing?” Adrien asks, expression colored by confusion.
“This seating arrangement.” Kagami sets down her tray. Crosses her arms. “Nino, would you mind moving here for a moment?”
“No problem, dudette.” With a pleasant smile, Nino follows Kagami’s command. In return, Kagami keeps frowning, moving around the table while being watched by two nervous sets of eyes, and meanwhile, Alya just wants to hide away and never return to this situation ever again.
“No, this still isn’t to my liking. Even if I find the concept of Feng Shui quite ridiculous, I am very certain we would not fulfill its necessary criteria.” She taps against her chin. “Alya, would you be so kind and move here?”
Alya suppresses a groan. Instead, she smiles stiffly as she moves to the seat between Adrien and Marinette.
“Yes, much more pleasing. Adrien, could you please sit here?”
Adrien doesn’t protest in any way as he sits down at the seat Kagami pointed to, and eventually, there they are. Marinette and Adrien next to each other. Exactly what Kagami wanted to accomplish, it seems. From behind Marinette, Kagami sends Alya the most neutral look she has ever seen, and even Kagami’s thumbs-up seems somehow void of any triumph.
Alya mechanically smiles back.
All that rearranging causes them to search for their own trays, and it takes half an eternity until they have successfully slid their trays from one end of the table to the other one. Only that the atmosphere is kind of strange, and that Marinette and Adrien are slightly turned away from each other, and that Adrien can’t even talk to Nino properly without having to shout over Alya’s head, and that all Alya can send Marinette are tiny looks. So they eat in relative silence.
Even though Kagami seems so satisfied Alya almost has to laugh at the irony.
It doesn’t take long until the situation gets even worse, though.
“What a beautiful day this is,” Kagami says slowly. “Alya, Nino. I assume you’re going on a date.”
Alya almost snorts. “Well, just because the weather is nice, it doesn’t mean that we have to go on a date, you know.”
“Ah, yes. I apologize. Adrien and I never went on many dates, so I might not be too familiar with that concept.”
Alya chokes on her pasta. She clears her throat several times. Across from her, Marinette stabs her poor pasta again and again with her fork, and Adrien coughs a little before covering his mouth with his hand, staring at anything but a human being.
“Woah, yeah,” Alya laughs as naturally as possible. “Past relationships. What a super light topic. Very easy to handle. Anyway! Date! Maybe a date is a good idea, huh?”
“Sure.” Nino shrugs and smiles at her. “Wherever you wanna go.”
“Are you free today, Adrien?”
Kagami’s question was straightforward and sharp, and Adrien coughs again, this time louder. Next to him, Marinette stabs her pasta with a fierceness that makes her fork slide from the porcelain, and one single noodle flies from her plate, landing directly on Adrien’s tray.
“Oh my god, sorry!” Marinette squeaks.
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Adrien returns.
“No – oh my god – so sorry –” Frantically, Marinette reaches for a napkin, managing to knock over Adrien’s glass of water in the process. The whole table is instantly flooded, and Marinette squeaks again. “Sorry! Sorry, sorry –”
Kagami’s reactions are quick and almost inhuman. She slaps napkins on the table with a momentum that makes Alya’s head spin, and she wipes up the liquid so fast the napkins get soaked in a matter of seconds. Adrien moves to help her, and Marinette moves to help too, and their shoulders awkwardly knock against each other, and they look at each other, and Alya kinda wants to scream.
Instead, she calmly watches the situation. Listens to Adrien and Marinette unhelpfully apologizing to each other fifty to sixty times. Regards the way Kagami moves swiftly and effortlessly while cleaning the whole table of unnecessary water. When she turns her head to look at Nino, she sees the same slight tiredness in his eyes that she feels.
Kagami doesn’t even know the half of it, she guesses.
Alya stops attempt number three before it can devolve into another catastrophe.
Adrien and Marinette are standing in front of the school, having the same kind of awkward conversation they always have. With Marinette’s gestures too hasty, and Adrien’s confusion too palpable, and really, it’s not even a surprise anymore. Kagami watches them next to Alya, and maybe she doesn’t even need to hinder a third attempt; because Kagami crosses her arms and sighs deeply, shuffling her feet over pavement.
“I must admit,” she says quietly. “I don’t seem to make for a talented matchmaker. Maybe you were right.”
“Look. You chose a real challenge.” Alya shrugs. “It’s been the same thing for years. No progress at all. You get used to it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Isn’t it getting tiring?”
“Kind of.” Alya shrugs again. Then she smiles. “But watch. Just watch. And you’ll understand why I still haven’t given up.”
Marinette giggles loudly, blushing so hard her cheeks are glowing. She looks pretty like this, and the shimmer of something, just something in Adrien’s eyes makes Alya’s smile broaden. Next to Alya, Kagami tilts her head.
“He is leaning towards her,” she notes.
“Is he?” Alya purses her lips. “I never really noticed.”
“He never did so with me. He always kept a bit of distance.” Kagami keeps watching them. “He’s different when he’s with her.”
Alya looks at her for a second. Then she turns her head back to the other two.
Adrien’s black car is already waiting for him. He sends it a look before turning to Marinette again, and in return, Marinette sheepishly glances at the ground. She is pressing a book to her chest, and after exchanging a few more words with Adrien, she hands it to him. It’s cute to look at. A girl head over heels for a boy who just doesn’t get it, who is so blind that Alya is becoming tired of it, and –
Adrien reaches for the book, and their fingers brush, and he almost drops the item. Clumsily, he barely manages to catch it. Marinette has to help him lift it up again. With a shy laugh, Adrien apologizes – before almost dropping the book again.
Alya tilts her head. Next to her, Kagami tilts her head.
As Adrien moves away, he waves at Marinette. Keeps looking at her. Keeps and keeps looking at her until he almost stumbles right into the car waiting for him. He laughs again, scratches the back of his neck. When he reaches for the car’s doorhandle, he misses by a good distance, his fingers wrapping around thin air. Marinette watches him, lifting a hand to her mouth as she giggles.
“Huh,” Alya says.
“Hm,” Kagami returns.
“Not very graceful.”
“I wholeheartedly agree.”
“That’s unusual.”
“Very unusual.”
It takes another bashful laugh for Adrien to find the doorhandle, and Marinette looks after him as the car drives away, and the fondness in her eyes is almost too much to handle. Alya covers her mouth with her hand and gives Kagami a look. The girl meets it without flinching.
“I might have to take it back,” Kagami says, her face a picture of nonchalance. “I might have a secret talent for matchmaking. More so than you do, I’m afraid to say.”
“Yeah. You seem very afraid to tell me that, I see.”
Kagami smiles. It’s the first time Alya sees a genuine sign of amusement on her face, and she thinks it suits her.
“We could double our efforts,” Alya suggests.
“Or you leave the planning to me.”
“Wow. Are you trying to say you’re smarter than me?”
“I never implied such, but the fact that you would even arrive at such a conclusion …”
“You forgot the ‘no offense’.”
“I see. No offense.”
“None taken.”