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Tip 1. Slimecicle is not a normal human name.
“So what do I call you?” Quackity from Las Nevadas asked, startling the slime who was trailing behind him.
“What do you mean?”
“Well I can’t keep calling you ‘guy’. People are gonna get suspicious. Real humans have names.”
“Like Quackity from Las Nevadas?”
Quackity rolled his eyes, dragging a tired hand down his face. “I told you to stop calling me that. It’s just Quackity, there is no ‘from Las Nevadas’, that’s not how names work!”
“So how do names work?” The slime tilted his head slightly, a small amount of goop trailing from his hair at the motion.
“I- I don’t know! Names are just what people call you! What your parents named you! It’s simple!”
“What are parents?”
Quackity stared at him for a few seconds, mouth open in complete bafflement before he realized that he was talking to a slime turned human and honestly, he really shouldn’t be surprised at this point.
“They’re the people that raise you. Who give birth to you.”
“But slime just split off from each other and then go their separate ways!”
“Of course they do.” Quackity muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Listen, just… come up with something that people can call you, alright? I need a name to put on your employment contract.”
“Okay… Can I be Quackity from Las Nevadas?”
“What- No! That’s my name!”
“So it is ‘from Las Nevadas’ then!” The slime grinned cheekily.
“No! Listen, you can’t have my name, or anything like it, okay? Just pick a name that no one else has! And is only one word. I’m not even going to get into last names…” The last sentence was whispered under his breath, just to make sure that the slime wouldn’t begin questioning that and drag this already insufferable conversation out even longer.
The slime paused for a moment, eyes trailing around Las Nevadas as he tried to come up with something. He looked down at his own body, then over to a bicycle that happened to be propped up against a building they were passing by.
“Uh, Slime…cicle. Slimecicle! Yeah!”
“Slimecicle?”
“Slimecicle!”
“YOU CAN’T JUST PUT SLIME IN YOUR NAME!”
“Well why not? You said I could name myself whatever I wanted!”
Quackity looked like he was about to have an aneurysm, his good eye twitching slightly. “Do you want people to know you’re a slime or not? Because asking people to call you Slimecicle is a bit of a tip off that you’re not a human!”
“This is a lot of rules Quackity from Las Nevadas, I thought you said names were simple.” The slime frowned.
“THEY ARE!” Quackity shouted, quickly pausing to take a deep breath and regain his composure. “Look. Just… Can I call you Charlie? That’s a regular, human name, alright?”
“Charlie?”
“Yes. Charlie. Just Charlie, nothing else, just… Charlie.”
“Okay!” The newly christened Charlie smiled. “Now no one else can have this name, right? Like no one can have the name Quackity?”
Quackity stared at him for a few seconds, exhaustion painting his features, before he just sighed out with what might be considered fondness, “Yeah. Sure. Only you, Charlie.”
This slime would be the death of him. The pure innocence he held certainly wasn’t endearing in a world that had already so thoroughly broken Quackity down. It wasn’t refreshing, really.
For one traitorous second he felt his lips curl up in what might be called a smile, but only for that second.
Tip 2: Humans aren’t goopy.
Apparently being goopy was considered ‘gross’ by human standards, which was honestly kind of confusing to Charlie. Goop was great! It was soft, warm, squishy, anything you needed it to be!
So when Quackity introduced him to Sam, Charlie was still working on the whole ‘keep your goop inside your human flesh’ thing. Quackity kept telling him if he wanted to blend in he needed to keep it under control, but sometimes the goop just wanted to get out!
“Sam, this is… Charlie. Charlie, this is Sam. He’s my business partner here in Las Nevadas.”
“Hello Sam from Las Nevadas!” He greeted. “I am Charlie!”
Sam gave Quackity a side-eye, looking between the two with what could be confusion? Or annoyance? Those two emotions seemed to come up a lot whenever Charlie was around, and he couldn't quite tell the difference just yet!
“I thought we already discussed who was going to be in Las Nevadas, Quackity.”
“Yeah, well, things change. Charlie here is our… man on the inside, shall we say,” Quackity responded in a hushed tone. “He may not look like much, but just give him a chance. I think he’s going to surprise us. Also, I don’t think there’s any getting rid of him at this point. He’s kind of… sticky.”
The business man shuffled over to the door, pushing it open. “Well I gotta be heading out. Business to do, people to talk to, you know the deal. Charlie, how about you get to know Sam. And remember what we talked about, okay?”
Oh! This was a test! Charlie knew what do to here!
“Hello Sam, I am Charlie, normal human man! I work here in Las Nevadas with my best friend Quackity who says he’s not from Las Nevadas, but I don’t know where else he could be from! He won’t tell me, I think it’s a secret.”
A raised eyebrow was all the response he got, so he continued on.
“Quackity told me a lot about you! He said you’re a big scary prison guard! I’ve seen you outside that big black building before, and you’re kind of terrifying when you’re yelling at people there, but you seem pretty nice now!”
Sam’s eyes narrowed, and he straightened slightly. “You’ve been outside the prison? How were you there without me noticing?”
“I gooped there!”
“You… gooped there?”
“Yeah! I was just goopin’ around in a hole like ya do, and then I saw you!”
“So that’s why Q wants you…” Sam muttered under his breath. “Stay away from the prison. There is no… ‘gooping’ allowed on the premises. Anywhere else is fine, but I hold the ultimate authority on the prison grounds, and what I say goes. I will not hesitate to take you down if I see you hiding.”
“Oh there’s that scary man I saw!” Charlie grinned without a hint of fear despite his words. “You’re good at that! I’ll stay away, don’t worry!”
Sam blanched, taken aback at the complete lack of fear this strange man seemed to have. If he was being completely honest, it was a little refreshing to not have someone be afraid of his mere existence, if not annoying that he couldn’t intimidate him. Still, it seemed like he was at least good at following orders…
“Do you need a hug?” Charlie suddenly asked.
“What?”
“A hug! Quackity taught me all about them! He said they’re better than kisses and that I should use them instead of kissing him on the cheek! Or, well, he said I should really do nothing but I prefer the hugs! When I was goopin’ around you always looked super mad, and I always thought a hug could help! And now you’re mad again, and I’m not hiding so I can give you one!”
Charlie slid up close, wrapping his hands around the creeper hybrid before he could get another word in. His hands wrapped around his chest and arms, locking him in tightly. Sam held back a shudder as he felt something sticky run through his fur, yet surprisingly he couldn't bring himself to pull away.
When Charlie eventually pulled back, Sam could see his fur matted by some weird green substance where the man’s arms had rested, but instead of frowning, Sam allowed just the barest hint of a smile to creep up behind his mask. He couldn’t remember when the last time he had gotten a hug was. Everyone either cowered in fear or was completely apathetic to his existence. It was his own fault, but… It was nice to have some acknowledgment. Even if it was a bit sticky.
Tip 3. Humans aren’t usually nocturnal.
“Oh hello Fundy, Friend of Quackity!”
“Just Fundy my man,” the fox grumbled. He didn’t bother to look over at Charlie, his gaze fixed firmly in front of him, which was honestly kind of confusing because there was nothing there? It was just desert for as far as the eye could see in that direction.
Charlie sat down next to him, copying his hunched over posture, his head resting on the arms propped up by his knees. It was a little awkward and Charlie was pretty sure he did something incorrectly while trying to mimic him, but he was still learning!
“What are you looking at?”
“Stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Things.”
Charlie squinted, looking forward into the desert, trying to see anything beyond the inky blackness.
“You must have some good eyes Fundy! I can’t see anything!”
“Fox things,” the hybrid mumbled. “They hunt at night, so they have good night vision.”
“Oh! That must be why you’re out here then! Are you hunting something? Are you nocturnal?”
Fundy finally turned to look at him, giving him a harsh side eye. “Just because I’m a fox hybrid doesn’t mean I do everything a fox does. No, I’m not nocturnal and no, I don’t hunt. I also don’t eat insects or steal from chicken coops or whatever.”
Charlie smiled, the frustrated tone in the hybrid’s voice going in one ear and out the other. “So if you’re not nocturnal then why are you out here so late?”
Fundy turned away once again, the annoyance leaking off his face in favor of blank staring once again.
Charlie pursed his lips. Even with his admittedly limited knowledge of human behavior that he was absolutely working on expanding, he knew that this wasn’t normal. From everything Quackity had said, sleeping was essential, and it seemed like Fundy wasn’t getting any at all!
“Let me tell you a secret,” Charlie said in a stage whisper. “I don’t sleep. Quackity keeps telling me I have to close my eyes and lay down in this bed thing, but it gets so boring!”
Fundy gave Charlie a befuddled look, mouth parted open slightly. “You… don’t sleep? At all?”
“Nope! Unless sleep is just closing your eyes for eight hours but never dreaming or stopping thinking or anything but just laying there with your thoughts until light shines through your window and you’re ready to go through another day!”
A grin split across the slime’s face as a coughed laugh came from Fundy, breaking the tension that had settled in the night in favor of something more lighthearted.
“How are you even alive, dude?”
“I dunno! I just am! That’s what us fellow meat people do, right? Just be alive?”
“Yeah… I guess we do do that.”
“One day at a time, my friend! That’s what Quackity always says!”
Fundy’s eyes widened. “We’re friends?”
“Of course!”
For the first time that night, a genuine smile crossed the fox’s face, and the weight of nightmares long forgotten left his shoulders.
“Thanks, Charlie.”
Tip 4. Even if people might look human, they might not be human.
“Hello fellow human!” Charlie waved, using both of his hands like he was trying to flag down a flying object. He was pretty sure that was how he was supposed to do it, right? Except the purple man was looking at him in confusion, and he wasn’t quite sure why. He was pretty sure he cleaned up all the goop on him, and he hadn’t said anything that Quackity told him not to!
“Fellow human?” Charlie caught the man saying as he got closer.
“Yes, fellow human like me! Meat men, y’know? Flesh bags with internal organs!”
“I’m not a human, dude. I don’t know who told you that. Everyone knows I’m not.” The teen rolled his eyes.
“Wait, you’re not a human? But you look like one! Are you… a slime?” Charlie leaned in to eye him up and down, squinting like he could catch glimpses of green goo oozing out if he just looked close enough. Except Purpled pushed him away quickly, recoiling a bit as his hand stuck slightly to Charlie’s face before coming off. He glanced down at the offending hand, wiping off the sticky residue on his jeans.
“No I’m not a slime. Do I look like a slime?”
“I don’t know. Do you?” Charlie asked conspiratorially.
“No, I don’t.” Suddenly, Purpled’s eyes flashed a- well, purple color, the irises shaped like little stars. And in the lighting, it almost looked like there was antennae popping up from his hair, framing his face that looked slightly more round, his cheeks flushed a darker color. And then the next moment it was gone, and Charlie was left with metaphorical stars in his own eyes.
“WOAH! I didn’t know humans could do that!”
Purpled’s mouth dropped open. “Did you listen to anything I said? I’m not a human.”
“But you said you’re not a slime! What else could you be?”
“An alien? I have- …had, a UFO and everything.”
“That was yours?”
“Yes? It was kind of my whole thing…”
“That’s so cool! I’ve never met an alien before! Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me! We gotta stick together.” Charlie winked at him, the movement exaggerated so much it was almost comical.
“I already said it was common knowledge?” Even more confusion leaked into his voice, apparently not catching on yet that when interacting with Charlie, the only acceptable reaction was usually confusion. Once that was accepted, conversations got a whole lot easier.
“Right, common knowledge.” Another exaggerated wink. “We’re just two regular humans, doing regular human things! Like regular humans!”
“And what do regular humans do exactly?”
“Uh… human things! Like, not splitting into multiple people when hurt! And not slowly creeping to the surface over hundreds of years until you slowly metamorphosize into a human person!”
Purpled chuckled. “And not crash landing a spaceship into what will soon become a war torn nation, got it.”
“Exactly! This is why we… ‘humans’ gotta stick together. Don’t worry, just follow me and you’ll be blending in like a pro!”
And through the complete and utter bafflement, Purpled couldn’t help but smile at the complete and utter ridiculousness of this man who just wanted to help an alien blend in to a world that already knew and didn’t care about his origins. It was endearing, in a strange, slimy way.
Tip 5. Humans don’t usually live in dark holes.
“You’re Charlie, right?” The large man looked Charlie up and down, taking in his body that was just slightly off. After all his years of living, Foolish had a pretty good sense of humanity and their quirks, and something about Charlie immediately set off flags. Maybe not red ones, but definitely suspicious ones. Did that make sense? Well, whatever it was, it was strange. Still, Foolish wasn’t one to judge. He was a peaceful man still, and he was here to build a house, not scrutinize the residents of Las Nevadas.
“That’s me! Dap me up!”
Foolish stared at the man’s hand up in the air, confused on what exactly a ‘dap’ was, and how you ‘up’ it. He eventually just decided to bump his significantly larger hand against the man’s, and that seemed to satisfy him.
“Quackity said you were going to make me a house, right?”
“Yeah. He said you wanted the plot of land over there?” He motioned towards the large needle-like building. “It’s a bit small, but I think if I build it up and keep it compact, it could still be spacious enough.”
“Build it up?”
“Yes? You wanted more than one floor, right? I don’t think there’s enough space to fit everything in a one story house, and I’m not sure it’d fit the aesthetic here.”
“Well yeah, but I was thinking it’d be more… hole like?”
“What?”
“Y’know, like-” Charlie motioned down. “In the ground where it’s nice and damp and safe.”
“I’m sorry, you want to live in a hole?” Foolish let out a short bark of a laugh. “I can’t say I’ve ever gotten a request like that before.”
“Wait, really? Why not?” Charlie looked confused, and maybe a little hurt? He wasn’t sure why the man would be hurt about that, a hole in the ground was quite strange.
“Usually people want their houses to have good views, y’know? Like, they can see all across Las Nevadas, and they can get the natural sunlight and everything.”
“Oh… I just thought a hole would be nice, but if it isn’t what regular human people do…”
“Well, no!” Foolish immediately waved his hands, not wanting to see this obviously-not-human person feel bad. He was just too soft and squishy, and the thought of hurting him made Foolish’s heart twist a little. “I mean some people live in basements, right? Those are underground! It’s not that weird. I can totally do it, no problem!”
“You can?” Charlie’s eyes practically shone pitifully in the artificial light of the city, giving off the perfect puppy dog eyes.
“Yeah, it’s no problem. It’ll be an interesting challenge, at least!” Honestly, the thought of just building a regular house did sound boring to Foolish at first, so this sudden left turn was honestly far more exciting than another normal build he could do in five minutes.
Already, ideas were coming to his mind about how to set up a ‘hole in the ground’ that still matched the Las Nevadas aesthetic, while keeping it to Charlie’s… interesting tastes.
Maybe he’d add some slimes in there? It was just a hunch, but the concept of a non-human but human-looking creature that liked damp holes didn’t really fit many other options.
Foolish smiled. Whatever he was, he could tell Charlie was going to make things interesting in this world that had gotten far too quiet for Foolish’s liking. Quiet meant thinking about things that he’d rather not dwell on.
Thankfully, this slime seemed to never stop talking.
Tip 6. If people are really your friends, they’ll accept you for who you are.
“I brought cookies!” Charlie held up the plate of suspiciously green… pastries, if they could be classified as that. They were more like round slimy balls that were flattened and crisped, and probably tasted like dirt. “Just the way mom used to make them!”
“You said you didn’t have a mom?” Quackity whispered to himself in confusion.
The rest of the group comprised of all the citizens of Las Nevadas looked slightly nauseous at the sight, all of them simultaneously resolving to not get close to the ‘cookies’.
“How’s it going party people?” Charlie asked as he deposited the tray down on a side table.
“This isn’t a party, it’s a business meeting, Charlie,” Quackity pointed out, shuffled a pack of cards idly between his hands. “We need to set down some rules for Las Nevadas before more tourists come.”
“Right, right! But we’re all here and we’ve never really all been together before, so it’s like a party! I’ve never been to a human party before! Or wait, no, I have! Because normal humans go to human parties! But it’s just been a while for me,” Charlie saved.
“...You know you don’t have to pretend, right?” Foolish asked.
“What do you mean?” Charlie blinked owlishly.
“You don’t have to act like you’re a human. We all know, dude,” Fundy piped up. “No one cares.”
“What? No! I’m just as human as the rest of you! Especially Purpled! I’m made of meat!”
“You know that holds no weight when Purpled isn’t a human, right?” Sam said. “In fact, I’m pretty sure no one in this room is fully human.” His eyes scanned over the group. There was a duck hybrid, an alien, a fox hybrid, a shark-totem demigod, and him, a creeper hybrid. They were probably the least human group you could get, even if a lot of them still had human traits.
“What? But, you’re all made of meat! And you have bones, and you do human things!”
“And Fundy can see in the dark, and Foolish can make lightning appear out of nothing, Quackity can fly, Sam can explode, and I’m literally not even supposed to be on this planet,” Purpled pointed out. “None of that is really normal human things. I don’t even think there is a ‘normal human’ on this server.”
“Well sure there are! There’s, uh, that Wilbur guy Quackity told me to stay away from!”
“He died and got resurrected, I’m pretty sure that anything human was wiped away in that process,” Fundy grumbled.
“Well, what about that nice Hannah lady!”
“She’s literally a dryad,” Sam said.
“Ranboo?”
“He’s probably the least human you can get besides Purpled,” Foolish choked out in a laugh.
“So all my tips have been useless this whole time?” Charlie cried out, pulling out his journal with the words ‘Slimecicle Charlie’s Guide To Being a Human’ scribbled in chicken scratch on the front. “Then what’s the use of this thing!” For the first time, the slime seemed almost mad, or maybe just extremely disappointed. In himself of course, because Charlie wasn’t the kind of person to direct his anger out towards the world.
“Well, maybe it’s not the most accurate thing, but do you really need that, Charlie? No one here cares if you’re a slime,” Fundy broke to him carefully.
“What? How do you know?” Charlie held the book close to his chest.
“The goop, for one,” Sam pointed out.
“The lack of sleep.”
“You literally thought I was a slime.”
“The holes you live in.”
“Oh…” Charlie trailed off. “I guess I wasn’t as good of a human as I thought I was…” He hugged his journal closer.
Quackity frowned, unable to keep himself from the conversation any longer. “Why do you need to be a human, Charlie? I think everyone here prefers you just the way you are.”
“You do?” His voice was soft for once.
“Of course. No one gives a shit if you’re a slime, a human, an alien, anything. People like you because you’re you. Slime and all. Ask anyone here and they'll list a thousand reasons why they like you even with your sliminess.” Quackity rolled his eyes.
"Yeah! You're a great listener!"
"You look out for everyone no matter what."
"You don't judge anyone, even if they're slightly weird."
"And you give good hugs."
“Oh.” And for the first time since he came up to the surface, Charlie’s smile wasn’t just false confidence, wasn’t just friendly grins, wasn’t tainted with just that little bit of fear that it was all fake and no one would like him if they knew the truth. It was a real, one hundred percent genuine smile that was filled with love and friendship. Real friendship, unfettered by the pretense of lying, no matter how obvious it turned out to be.
Perhaps that’s what it really meant to be ‘human’. Being your authentic, genuine self, even if it was just to a small group of friends who understood and cared about you. Maybe being human was just whatever you wanted it to be. And what Charlie wanted was to be loved.
And he was.