Chapter Text
Act 1 Scene 1 - The Parking Garage. Fade in.
FRASIER pulls his BMW into his parking space. Just after, CAM WINSTON pulls his HMMV into the spot to his left. FRASIER opens his door, but it can only swing about six inches. CAM gets out of his car.
FRASIER: Excuse me. Cam?
CAM walks around the back of the cars.
CAM: Oh, hello, Frasier. Still driving a sedan?
FRASIER: Yes, well, at least mine fits in the allotted space. Unlike this new... behemoth you're driving. CAM: Actually, it's the new Behemoth XL. Well, use care getting out.
FRASIER: Come back here! You know very well I can't get out!
CAM (under his breath) : Yes,well, what don’t you have trouble getting out of? Cars, closets...
FRASIER: What was that?
CAM: I said, let me see what I can do about that. He walks back to the driver's side of his car as FRASIER pushes his head up through his sunroof.
CAM: Oh, tough break. If I move I'll be over the line on the other side.
FRASIER: But you're over the line on this side.
CAM: Actually, if you were standing out here, you would see that I'm just on the line, which, as we both know, is in.
FRASIER: If I were standing out there, we wouldn't be having this conversation!
CAM: I wish I could help. Maybe next time you'll think twice before calling the police when I have a party. He begins walking away.
FRASIER: What makes you think it was me?
CAM: You're the only one in the building I didn't invite. He clicks his car alarm and leaves.
FRASIER, grunting, pulls himself up through the sunroof to sit on the roof of his car. He pulls his hands up, worried about the finish, takes off his shoes and tosses them to the floor, then tries to ease down the back of his car. Slipping, he grabs at the pipe above his car, pulling it loose and pouring water over and into his car and himself.
FADE OUT
Scene 2 - NILES' Apartment at the Montana. Fade in. NILES is standing in the kitchen in her dressing gown, whisking eggs in a pan. DAPHNE comes in, also wearing a dressing gown, and walks up behind NILES. She wraps her arms around NILES’ waist and presses a kiss to her cheek.
DAPHNE: Good morning.
NILES: Oh, oh, no, what are you doing? Go back to bed.
DAPHNE: (not offended, just teasing and a little confused) Well, that’s a lovely greeting.
NILES: Oh, well, it’s just - I thought you were still asleep when I left. I was going to wake you with breakfast in bed.
DAPHNE: I was asleep. Then I woke up all cold.
‘Activated’ by concern, NILES spins around to face DAPHNE, breaking her grasp.
NILES: Damn! I knew I should have brought more blankets. Actually - you know what, I’ve been meaning to speak with the supervisor again about the temperature controls. That miser swears he only adjusts them biannually, but for the past month, the air has been at least a fifth of a degree cooler than usual.
DAPHNE: NILES. I only meant I missed having you there to keep me warm.
NILES: Oh. Well, let me see what I can do to remedy that.
NILES wraps her arms around DAPHNE. They kiss on the lips for a long second, then pull apart.
DAPHNE: Do I get to know what you’ve got planned for today yet? (teasing) Since you finally want to leave the apartment.
NILES: Oh, yes. I thought, after a leisurely breakfast, we could visit this museum downtown - they’ve got a new exhibition of work inspired by Blek le Rat that I thought you’d like. Afterward, there’s a charming botanical garden nearby, and then I thought we could (this is very bold for her) get dinner somewhere we won’t need reservations.
DAPHNE: My goodness. You spoil me.
NILES: Well, it’s a special day. Two whole weeks since we moved in together. I want to celebrate it properly.
DAPHNE: I do too.
NILES turns away and fiddles with the pan on the stovetop.
DAPHNE: Did you have anything planned for after dinner?
NILES (still facing the stovetop) : Er, no, I don’t think so. Why?
DAPHNE reaches inside her robe and pulls out a pair of tickets, which she hands to NILES as NILES turns back her direction. NILES takes them, reads them and gasps.
NILES: Opera tickets!
DAPHNE: Yes. I know this one’s a little more modern than you usually like, but I thought it sounded interesting. Patience and Sarah , it’s-
NILES: Yes, I’d heard of it. I’ve wanted to go, but I couldn’t ask Frasier to go with me (because he’s too straight) , and I know you don’t like-
DAPHNE: I want to try it, for you. You know, the woman who wrote the libretto did it in three weeks, just to impress this singer she had a pash on?
NILES: I think I know the feeling.
They kiss again.
NILES: Where were you keeping those tickets?
DAPHNE: Wouldn’t you like to know.
NILES (still flirty, in her weird little way) : Do you have the identification paper in there too?
DAPHNE : What paper?
NILES: The little slip they give you when you buy tickets, with your seat number and some personal information on it. It’s a new security protocol to keep out those hooligans who forge tickets to try to gain illicit entry to sold-out shows.
DAPHNE (after a brief pause) : Yes, of course. Only - do you need that to get in?
NILES: Well, yes.
DAPHNE: Oh, I’m so stupid. I didn’t realize you needed it.
NILES: Did you throw it away?
DAPHNE: No, I - I went over to your brother’s after I bought them, and I think I just left it on one of the countertops. Figured the least they could do was throw something away for me, after all the trash I’ve cleaned up for them.
NILES: Well, if Frasier saw it, he’ll have recognized it right away and kept it safe. We can just pop over there and grab it on the way to the museum. No trouble at all.
DAPHNE: Oh, thank you, Niles. Goodness, what a relief. For a minute I thought I’d spoiled the whole thing.
NILES: You couldn’t spoil anything if you tried, my love.
They kiss (yes, again). It goes on for a few seconds. Black smoke starts to rise from the pan behind NILES and catches DAPHNE’s eye.
DAPHNE (pulling back slightly) : Niles?
NILES (passionately) : Yes?
DAPHNE: Something’s on fire.
NILES (passionately) : I know.
DAPHNE: No, I mean the eggs.
NILES: Oh! Oh dear. Oh god.
NILES grabs a spatula and starts beating ineffectually at the flame. DAPHNE scurries to fetch a glass of water to dump over it.
Scene 3 - FRASIER's Apartment. Fade in. FRASIER comes in, drops his keys on the side table and stands smugly for a moment.
FRASIER: You should have been at the condo board meeting, Dad, you missed all the excitement.
MARTIN: Don't tell me, people argued about some dumb building policy, then you all had cookies.
FRASIER: Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo board career, which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the SUB- basement! Then we had cookies. He goes to pour a glass of sherry.
MARTIN: My mistake. How did Cam take it?
FRASIER: He was livid, thank you. But I pointed out that the emissions from his oversized vehicle endangered the health of anyone passing through the lobby, and I won the day.
MARTIN: People bought that?
FRASIER: Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said.
MARTIN: You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.
The doorbell rings.
FRASIER: That's because I'm not orating right now. Oh, just go back to your paper! He sets his drink down and opens the door to reveal CAM.
FRASIER: Ah, good afternoon again, Cam.
CAM: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your big ass into that BMW.
FRASIER: Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air which we will all now breathe.
CAM: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your share of polluting with that substitute for heterosexual masculinity you're driving.
FRASIER, sputtering: If mine's a "substitute for, for masculinity", then what is yours?
CAM: Bigger!
MARTIN: Ha!
FRASIER: That wasn't funny. I'm sorry, Cam, but I believe the issue is closed. The people of this building are accepting, tolerant folk, but there are some things which even they cannot be asked to accept or tolerate. Good day. He closes the door in CAM's face and retrieves his sherry.
FRASIER: Boo-hoo, Cam, no more blocking my driver's side door.
MARTIN: Do you think that's smart? Ticking off the guy who lives right above us?
FRASIER: Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution. Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint!
DAPHNE and NILES come in the front door.
DAPHNE: Hi.
NILES: Hello, hello, don’t mind us. We’re just here to pick up something that Daphne-
FRASIER: Yes, the identification paper. Little Alice did try to fold it into a paper airplane the other day, but I’ve kept it safe from sticky fingers, never fear. He picks a piece up from the side table and carries it to NILES at the door. Ah, Patience and Sarah , I see. A very, er, novel choice. I have to applaud their, their bold venture.
NILES (wryly) : Yes, we’ll be sure to clap extra loudly for you.
FRASIER (with a little forced joviality, trying to move on and not seem homophobic) : Gosh, you know, we’ve hardly heard from you two these past couple weeks. What have you girls been doing over there? (He realizes too late that this was a worse place to go.)
DAPHNE (mildly, looking at NILES under her lashes) : Oh, keeping busy.
MARTIN (under his breath) : Oh jeez.
The phone rings.
DAPHNE: Oh, I’ll get that. She walks over to pick it up. Hello? Oh, Mum.
FRASIER
(sotto voce)
: Has Daphne not switched over to your phone line?
NILES: No, not just yet. We’ve been meaning to get around to it, but…
(She trails off, again a little distracted by thoughts of being ‘busy.’)
DAPHNE: Yeah, I'm sorry, I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
FRASIER: I do not!
MARTIN: Let her say whatever she needs to.
DAPHNE: (heading to her room with the phone) And poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
MARTIN: Hey!
She mouths "Sorry" and exits to her room. NILES gazes after her, besotted.
NILES: Can you believe it? I am actually living under the same roof with the woman I adore. If you had told me two years ago that this was going to happen, I would never have believed it.
FRASIER: I know exactly how you feel, Niles. You know, I used to think Cam Winston's SUV was immovable, and now look at me! (off their looks) Well, I think this calls for a slightly belated celebration! How about some champagne?
NILES: Oh, stay there, I'll get the Dom. She heads off to the kitchen.
FRASIER: Gosh, this time really is the end of an era, isn’t it?
MARTIN: Yeah, it was the three of us under this roof for nine years.
FRASIER: Do you remember when Daphne first came here? She was so young and naive, I didn't think she'd last a week. Yet she somehow managed to forge a relationship with a, a blustery psychiatrist and a crotchety old man.
MARTIN: And with me, too.
FRASIER: Yes, Dad, with you too.
MARTIN: Well, we knew she wouldn't be around forever, but I never would've guessed she'd end up with Niles.
FRASIER: I know. She's come so far since the dark days of Maris and Mel.
MARTIN: Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.
FRASIER: "You and me", Dad.
MARTIN: (under his breath) Boy, this is going great.
NILES comes back in with the champagne in an ice bucket. At the same time, DAPHNE comes back in, looking like she’s seen a ghost.
MARTIN: Daph, are you alright?
DAPHNE: My parents are coming for a visit.
FRASIER, MARTIN, and NILES all make various sounds of sympathetic distress.
DAPHNE: Maybe I should move back here for a little bit. Just while they’re here.
NILES: What? Daphne, why?
DAPHNE (extremely vague) : Just - to keep things simpler, you know.
FRASIER: I have the utmost sympathy for your family situation, Daphne, I really do. But I also have a contractor scheduled to begin renovating your room tomorrow.
DAPHNE: Oh, yes, I know. I’m just being silly.
NILES: Is this about space? I mean, it’s not as if your parents are going to stay with us, ri-
DAPHNE (only taking in the last bit) : Oh, you’d let them stay with us? Thank you, Niles, they’ll love that.
NILES: Oh! Okay. (forced cheer) Well, this will certainly be a cracking good time.
Act 2 Scene 1 - NILES' Apartment at the Montana Fade in. MARTIN is sitting on the couch. NILES and FRASIER are setting up to greet the Moons.
NILES: I hope Daphne's not having trouble with their luggage. I should have gone with her to the airport. What kind of impression does it make that I didn't go with her?
MARTIN: She didn't want you to go with her.
NILES: Yeah, what does that say?
FRASIER: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression.
NILES: SECOND impression. The first impression I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding. Oh God, where are my crab croquettes?
FRASIER: I put them in the warming oven.
NILES: They'll dry out!
FRASIER: Then I'll serve them.
NILES: No, they'll get cold! Oh, I don't know, I don't know! The doorbell rings.
NILES: Now, now! Crab croquettes!
FRASIER: Right. FRASIER heads to the kitchen, NILES fluffs the pillows on the couch.
NILES: Dad, it's showtime! Keep your wits about you.
MARTIN: Right. I'll just follow your lead. NILES rushes, almost knocking over a lamp but catching it, then opens the door to DAPHNE and her mother.
NILES: Oh, MRS. MOON, welcome, come in.
DAPHNE: Mum, you remember Niles?
MRS. MOON: Of course. You know, I was quite cross with you when you persuaded my daughter not to marry that rich lawyer. But from the looks of this place, you do all right, at least.
MARTIN: Nice to see you again, Mrs. Moon. Martin Crane.
MRS. MOON: Oh, of course, you're the one who's kind enough to keep my daughter employed.
MARTIN: It's not kindness, she does a great job.
MRS. MOON: Well, she does what she can with what God gave her.
NILES: Um, where's Mr. Moon?
DAPHNE: Well, actually, there's been a slight change of plans...
SIMON, DAPHNE's loutish brother comes in.
SIMON: 'Allo, 'allo.
NILES: Simon!
FRASIER: Simon!
MARTIN: Buddy, how ya doin'?
SIMON: Well, I'm thirsty, for starts.
MARTIN: Then let's take care of that!
MRS. MOON: Oh, I could use a tiny nip of something myself.
They head to the bar and NILES and FRASIER move to DAPHNE.
FRASIER: What is your brother doing here?
DAPHNE: Me dad couldn't make it, so Mum brought him instead.
NILES: Why, why didn't your dad come?
DAPHNE: I don't know. I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Dad doesn't like to travel.
NILES: Why not?
Drink in hand, MRS. MOON walks over to a chair and sits.
MRS. MOON: You know, that flight made my feet swell up like a couple of Christmas hams. Simon, give 'em a rub.
SIMON: I rubbed 'em halfway across the Atlantic.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras, I've got an idea: Why doesn't Simon stay with us?
FRASIER drops the tray he's picked up.
SIMON: Oh, that's very kind of you, Marty.
FRASIER: Yes, well it is, except that, well I think there'll be more room right here at Niles'.
NILES: Oh, yes, although Frasier's apartment is closer to a pizza restaurant.
FRASIER: Yes, but Niles' is closer to a liquor mart.
SIMON: Now, now, now I don't want you two fightin' over me.
NILES: Dad, how many channels does that satellite of yours get?
MARTIN: Five hundred.
SIMON: We have a winner!
FRASIER glares at NILES.
DAPHNE: Mum, your room's gonna be all the way down that hallway on the left, if you'd like to freshen up. It’s a very nice one, very comfortable bed.
SIMON: What, you and Niles try that bed out together, did ya? He makes a lewd gesture involving tongue.
MRS. MOON: Simon Moon, bite your tongue! Your sister’s told you herself a million times, just because a woman is unattractive doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian! She gives a little gesture towards NILES on this line. NILES does that DHP confusion-then-frown look as the insult sinks in.
DAPHNE: Actually, mum, I said that just because a woman’s not attracted to him, it doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian.
MRS. MOON: Well, regardless, the point stands. Niles may be lacking in feminine charms, but that certainly doesn’t make her a homosexual. And to say such things about your sister! She may not have the best luck with men, but she’s far from desperate enough to turn to women. Right, Daphne?
DAPHNE: Of course, mum.
NILES: Um, Daphne, can I see you in the kitchen for just a sec? Excuse me.
They head into the kitchen.
SIMON: Should we stop at the supermarket on the way home? I'm very fond of those "Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets" that you had last year.
MARTIN: Oh, I keep those stocked. Everything's just like you remember.
FRASIER: Well, there has been one small change: the liquor cabinet has a lock.
SIMON: Well, my new moped had a lock, too.
CUT TO: the kitchen.
NILES: So your mother still thinks you’re straight? What, does she think I stole you away from the altar platonically?
DAPHNE: Well, yes, more or less. She thinks you convinced me - not to settle, or something. And - I may have implied that I moved out of Dr. Crane’s apartment because, after leaving Donny, it was too hard for me to spend time around a, a virile man.
NILES: I’m not sure how much detail I can stand to hear there.
DAPHNE: Niles, I’m sorry, I know I should tell her the truth, but-
NILES: No, no, darling, I wouldn’t ask you for that. I wouldn’t ask anyone for that. It’s your choice to make and you don’t owe it to me, or to her. (pause) But - she thinks I’m straight?
DAPHNE: Yes, well, she still thinks Billy is, even after she caught him kissing the neighbor’s son. Billy claimed he was cleaning something out of the other boy’s teeth. Listen, if it’s too much to ask, to pretend-
NILES: No, no, it’s not. It’s just...I haven’t pretended to be straight since college. I’m not sure “my boyfriend goes to another school” will pack quite the same punch these days.
DAPHNE: You’ll get the hang of it. It’s only for a little while.
NILES (being dramatic to make DAPHNE laugh, while still meaning it a little) : Every moment I’m not able to kiss you is an eternity.
DAPHNE: Oh, you. Here, one to last us-
They kiss as MRS. MOON comes in. DAPHNE pulls back and pulls NILES’ bottom lip down with her fingers, peering into her teeth.
DAPHNE: Yes, I think we got it out!
NILES looks confused and jarred.
TITLE CARD : 3265 INSULTS AND 5 DAYS LATER…
Scene 2 - FRASIER's Apartment Fade in. MARTIN is in his chair, watching a game, SIMON is on the couch.
MARTIN: Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the couch. He's mad enough that you ate that stuff he puts on his face.
SIMON: (pointing) I'm telling you, it was marmalade.
The door opens and FRASIER, DAPHNE, NILES, ROZ and MRS. MOON come in.
FRASIER: Do you mind? Feet off the furniture.
SIMON: You heard him, Eddie, get off, go on.
DAPHNE: He's talking to you.
MRS. MOON: Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out what's wrong with your outfit: it's made for a smaller woman.
NILES: Now, hold on, I was there when she picked out that outfit, I think it's absolutely...
ROZ: Thanks for dinner, NILES, it was really great.
NILES: You're welcome. Well, the best is still ahead. Wait 'til you taste the apple crisp that Daphne made for dessert.
SIMON: Is that that delicious apple thing with crispy bits on top?
DAPHNE: We still have ice cream.
SIMON: Oh, wow, this is getting embarrassing.
DAPHNE: Simon, how could you?
SIMON: Well, the ice cream was Marty's idea!
MARTIN: Only the first bowl!
MRS. MOON: Daphne, don't go picking' on your brother. I'll just have me tea. Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for me head.
As she sits on the couch, NILES stands and lifts a pillow.
MRS. MOON: Oh, and I wouldn't get too settled in, you'll need to take me home soon so I can take me medicine.
NILES: I thought I suggested you bring that with you.
MRS. MOON: Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to have a roommate who’s always right?
NILES squeezes the pillow.
FRASIER: I'll just go put the kettle on. He heads for the kitchen .
DAPHNE: Mum, I wish you'd stop bossing everyone around.
MRS. MOON: Oh, listen to my silly girl! If she knew how to put her foot down, she'd have a husband by now.
NILES swings the pillow back as if to hit her, but fluffs it and puts it down as MRS. MOON turns to her.
NILES: Pillow for you, here you go, you just rest your head and I'll see how Frasier's doing with the kettle. She heads for the kitchen. SIMON walks over to the table where ROZ is sitting.
SIMON: Rose, you're looking fit. You know, I'd've gone too, if I'd known you were going to dinner. I hope you've left room for afters.
ROZ: I have a boyfriend now, Simon, so you can just lay off.
SIMON: YOU WHAT?! I thought you would wait for my return. Oh, well, let's have another go then, for old time's sake.
ROZ: We never had a go.
SIMON: We didn't? Who was that, then?
CUT TO: the kitchen.
NILES: For the last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell!
FRASIER: You want to trade? Simon put my sixty-five dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins.
NILES: Simon is a boor, but at least he's not cruel. You hear the way she talks to Daphne, and Daphne just takes it.
FRASIER: Well, it's understandable, Niles. I mean, after all, she only sees her mother rarely. I suppose it's just easier to bite her tongue than to engage in some kind of ugly confrontation.
NILES: Well, maybe so, but it's just frustrating to see Daphne so timid. I wish she felt safe enough to stand up for herself.
FRASIER ( leaning into his psychiatrist voice, psychoanalyzing his sibling a bit ): Or is it that you want her to stand up for the pair of you?
NILES: Oh, no, Frasier, I can’t ask her to out herself. I wouldn’t want her to. They’re - well, it’s not something the family talks about much, you know, but Daphne can’t imagine they’d be accepting.
FRASIER: Here, you know, I’ve had a thought.
NILES (a quick interjection) : Oh dear.
FRASIER: Maybe I could try testing the waters for you.
NILES: Test the waters ? What’s your plan, tangle tongues with Cam Winston in the living room and see whether she faints or throws something?
FRASIER: What? No! God, you - Cam Winston? Why, er, why would your mind go there?
NILES: Well, you know, nearest gay man.
FRASIER: Cam’s gay?
NILES: You didn’t know? Frasier, the man had his own float in the last pride parade. Literally. I have no idea how he swung that. Anyway, I still fear to ask, but what was it you had in mind?
FRASIER: Oh, you just leave it to me, Niles.
NILES: I don’t like leaving things to you.
FRASIER: I’ll find my moment, and with a few well-chosen words, I think I may just be able to open their minds and soften their hearts. (NILES is still visibly apprehensive, but thinks it’s more trouble than it’s worth to talk FRASIER out of this.) But in the meantime, let’s be patient, and tolerant, and remember that they are her family and our guests.
SIMON: ( calling from the living room ) Oi, Frasier, can I use this as an ashtray?
FRASIER: Son of a BITCH! He rushes out. CUT TO: the living room where SIMON is tapping his cigarette into a vase.
FRASIER: Do NOT use that, please. ( hands her an empty can ) Here, here.
MRS. MOON: An empty can? I'd have thought with all your fancy dingle dangles you'd have something nicer for your guests who smoke.
FRASIER: Yes, well customarily my guests who smoke do so on the balcony.
MRS. MOON: ( gets her own can ) This is lovely, thank you.
SIMON sits down next to ROZ again. She waves the smoke away.
ROZ: Do you mind?!
SIMON: Come on, Rose. We both know that this boyfriend thing is a ruse. You don't have to play hard to get with me.
ROZ: I really do have a boyfriend.
SIMON: Oh yeah?
ROZ: Yeah.
SIMON: What's his name?
ROZ: Roger.
SIMON: What color is his hair?
ROZ: Brown.
SIMON: What's his name?
ROZ: Roger.
SIMON: Is that the name you just said a minute ago?
MARTIN gets up.
MARTIN: I think Eddie could use a walk.
ROZ: I could use one too.
MARTIN: Uh, well, actually, I was just going across to the...
ROZ: (rushing) Yeah, that's great, I'd love to! She hurries them out the door.
FRASIER (this is step one of his anti-homophobia scheme) : You know, I have an idea: let's have a toast.
SIMON: Well, it's about bloody time!
FRASIER: To my very favorite couple...of roommates: Niles and Daphne. You don't know my sister very well, Mrs. Moon, but I assure you, she and your daughter share a deep and lasting camaraderie and, and affection for one another. A bond that I think is likely to endure, in its own...special way, as long as the love between my parents, and between you and your husband.
MRS. MOON begins to cry.
SIMON: Oh, now you've dropped a clanger.
DAPHNE: What is it, Mum?
MRS. MOON: Oh, tell them, son.
SIMON: Dad scarpered.
DAPHNE: He left?
SIMON: Yeah.
MRS. MOON: It's true.
FRASIER: Dear God, I do apologize.
DAPHNE: Oh, Mum, it can't be! I'm sure he just got sidetracked on his way home from the pub.
MRS. MOON: Well, I thought that meself for the first week, but no, he's gone for good.
SIMON: Oh, don't worry, Mum. Everything'll be all right when we get home.
MRS. MOON: Oh, what's left for me there? An empty house full of memories? No, I'd rather stay right here, in the company of my babies. Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon.
SIMON: Oh, don't cry, Mum. I really thought this junket to America would cheer you up.
NILES: Oh, well, it still can. Go away!
The others look shocked.
NILES: I mean, get out there and see the country.
FRASIER: Yes, that is a splendid idea! (getting back into the swing of FRASIER Crane’s ‘Say No to Hate’ show) Or better yet, see the cities ! Portland, San Francisco, New York...those gorgeous urban centers, and the beating heart of every one the people who live in it: free-spirited, warm-hearted people, people belonging to a wide and varied range of lifestyles, people who measure their life as it should be measured; in love. (NILES has an ‘oh dear god’ look on her face.) These people are out there, ready to embrace you and to let you embrace them in turn. Immerse yourself in the proud and beautiful spectrum of human expression!
Behind him, a massive rainbow flag unfurls past the balcony.
NILES (truly astounded at the depths of her brother’s Ally Powers) : How did you do that?
Confused, FRASIER turns to follow NILES' gaze. Seeing his balcony completely blocked in, he starts. Trembling, he puts his drink down.
FRASIER: Cam Winston! He hurries to the door, grabs his keys and rushes out. Fade out.
TO BE CONTINUED
Credits: Martin is sitting at the breakfast table. Simon brings in two plates, giving one to him. Martin picks up a muffin and takes a bite and nods appreciatively. Simon pulls out the bottle of apricot skin cream. Martin looks disturbed for a minute, but keeps chewing. Reflectively, he holds the muffin out and Simon opens the tube to squeeze more on.