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“How do you feel?” He asks, as though he doesn’t receive the same answer every time.
“Tired.” Katsuki sighs.
It’s a routine. Every day is the same. He wakes up, goes for a jog, eats breakfast, goes to school, goes to therapy, and then goes to bed. The weekends are the only change, and yet, he only sleeps.
No one stops him, no one pulls him out of bed. They let him be. In some ways, he appreciates it, the ability to do what his body craves . Though he also resents it, because they like him better like this. Katsuki is better liked when all his energy goes towards staying alive, and he has lost his ability to live.
The old Katsuki is, to put it simply, an embarrassment. He was crude and selfish. But he almost misses himself that way. Misses the way life was.
At least he wasn’t dying alone.
Because that’s what he’s doing now isn’t it? Dying alone. This can’t be living, laying in his bed all day in silence, he really can’t bring himself to move. Sometimes he thinks of the plans he has, what he hopes he’ll accomplish, but even thinking about it makes him tired, so he’ll just go back to bed.
“Have you been sleeping?” His therapist is quiet when he speaks like if he says anything just a tad bit too harsh, Katsuki might just shatter in his spot. Old Katsuki would be furious, demand he stops looking down at him.
Though now, he doesn’t have the energy to bother, especially not when he believes the man is right. He probably would shatter, he’s already breaking at the seams. “Sleeping is all I do now.”
“Well, that’s better than never sleeping.”
Katsuki hums back, but he doesn’t agree. Sleeping is hiding, of course, everyone had to sleep at some point, but sleeping every time he wasn’t in school just didn’t seem like it was the best thing he could be doing.
But then again, everyone seemed to enjoy their time much better when Katsuki was sleeping.
“Have you spoken to Kirishima?”
The name hurts, bitter in the air, it almost makes him want to puke. “No.” He admits, “he doesn’t seem to want to speak with me.” Saying it out loud only hurts worse, his chest feels as though it may cave in on itself, everything hurts so much he almost can’t feel it anymore. “How can you be sure if you won’t speak to him first?”
Katsuki shrugs, he doesn’t really need to speak to be sure. Kirishima has made it pretty clear he’d messed up, that Katsuki was selfish, that he couldn’t do it anymore. He doesn’t blame Kirishima, maybe he did at first when it first began to sting. But he understands, Katsuki understands that Kirishima is tired of him and that’s okay.
He’s tired of himself too.
“Did you complete your assignments for today?” Comes the next question, that’s all Rin does ask him questions, make him think, and then tell Aizawa what it is he thinks about what Katsuki thinks. “Of course I did.”
“That’s good.” Rin nods, “that’s really good.”
The words lift some of the pressure away, not a lot, but enough to allow Katsuki a moment of peace. Because yeah , it is. If anything Katsuki does is good it’s his school work. No matter how far down he slides, he always finishes his assignments.
It’s the only thing he has left.
————
Katsuki lays down before dinner is even made. He’s not sure who’s night it is to cook but it doesn’t matter, they’ll come to get him when it’s his turn. But tonight’s not his night to do things for others, so no one will drag him down there.
However, he is hungry, not hungry enough to climb his way out of bed, but hungry enough to bask in the empty feeling of his stomach.
Sometimes he wishes it would swallow him whole, so he could drown in the pain that’s so minor it’s not even really pain. It’s almost euphoric, to have something that’s not so painful he just wants to scream and scream until his throat has been nearly ripped to shreds.
He wants to scream so much and so loud that his throat bleeds and he can taste the iron. He wants to scream until he inevitably fades into the background once again.
He’d be seen for a few minutes if he just yelled. If he broke down. But they’d just look at him like he was crazy like he was destructive . He is.
Was.
Katsuki was destructive.
He doesn’t know what he is now. What do you call someone so different, someone who went from screaming a mountain of fake pride and challenging everyone in his way to, well, someone who didn’t
speak and who walked himself away.
Nothing, Katsuki guesses. You don’t call them anything, they’re worth nothing of a name.
Katsuki can’t tell if the thoughts are making him sick to his stomach or the lack of food. Probably food, but it’s still only 10 pm and Friday. He’d have to walk past people, not that any of them would speak to him anyway.
There’s another one of those thoughts Katsuki isn’t sure if he feels relieved by, or saddened. Is it possible to feel both? He’s not really sure but the longer he stares at the dark ceiling the hungrier he gets.
Slowly, he lifts himself out of bed. Everything moves around him slowly, like the world is dragging on his ankle as if it was a ball and chain. The urge to just lay back down pulled at every part of him. Scratching from inside his chest, creaking in his bones.
He makes it out of his room after what feels like an hour of counting his reasons to stay, and though it’s brighter out in the hall nothing moves faster. Everything is just as stale as it was before, he watches his feet until he reaches the kitchen, ignoring the surrounding noise.
“Hey, Kacchan.”
Katsuki sighs at the call, squeezing his eyes tight as he stares into the fridge. “ What , Deku?”
Midoriya smiles at him, “nothing just, saying hi.”
“Oh,” Katsuki mutters, leaving them in silence once again. Only the distant sound of laughter and electrical buzzing from the fridge to fill the space. Though as he pulls out the stuff to make a sandwich Katsuki sees the other still watching him.
And as much as Katsuki silently hopes for him to stay silent, Midoriya steps forward, “Are you alright?”
He huffs, “why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, it’s just that I haven’t seen much of you and you haven’t been hanging out with your friends and you look tire-“
“I’m fine.”
Midoriya frowns, “Kacchan, look I’m sure whatever is going on can be solved.”
“There’s nothing going on.” The blonde says firmly but Midoriya pushes farther, “I’m not sure what you did to upset Kirishima but I’m sure if you just a-“
“It’s fine! Drop it, Deku!” Katsuki shouts, slamming the knife down on the counter and walking off, leaving his half-made sandwich on the counter where the other stands shocked. He doesn’t bother to look up from his feet as he storms through the common area, already aware everyone is watching him.
This.
This is exactly why Katsuki doesn’t leave his room anymore.
He’s not that hungry anyway.
————-
With how often Katsuki slept, he’d figured he’d have more dreams but really it’s not often he remembers what it is he’s dreamed about. Though one dream seems reoccurring, it’s more a memory than a dream he guesses.
Kirishima had been tired, falling, Katsuki knew, he saw it but what was he supposed to do? He was falling too, he could barely stand on his own and Kirishima didn’t seem to want his help.
It should have hit Katsuki in the face much sooner than it did, it should have been obvious that if he could barely stand on his own, how could Kirishima stand with him and his own.
Usually, when Katsuki would do something he’d question himself and wonder if he’d take it all back. He didn’t have to ask himself this time, the second he’d left Kirishima’s room he regretted everything.
He still regrets it.
“Bakugou I’m not- I’m not doing this. Find somebody else to talk to. Find fucking anyone else! Because I’m done with this bullshit where you come in here and you tell me what’s wrong and never ask me what’s wrong! Believe it or not Bakugou, other people can be sad! And just because you’re fucking sad doesn’t mean I have to listen to it! You always have issues Bakugou- And I can’t deal with them anymore! So for the love of god! I- Bakugou please just find someone else to suffocate with your issues.”
The dream always knocks Katsuki straight awake, sometimes he chokes on his sob, desperate to cover the sound. The walls are too thin to cry openly, Kirishima could hear him.
Katsuki knows that Kirishima was harsher than he needed to be, he does. But he also knows the other wasn’t wrong, Katsuki always went to Kirishima about his problems.
Because he trusted him.
He did have a lot of problems.
Though that wasn’t his fault.
They’re hard to listen to all the time.
But Kirishima never complained.
He should have noticed the other was in pain.
But he was never told.
He shouldn’t have needed to be told.
...yeah
He shouldn’t have needed to be told. Kirishima always helped him and when Kirishima needed it Katsuki didn’t help him.
He would do anything to help Kirishima now. And if that means staying away.
Well, Katsuki is getting pretty good at staying away.
————-
“Kacchan open the door.”
The words cause Katsuki to freeze, eyes darting over to his locked door. It’s not that he hadn’t heard the knocking, he’d just assumed they’d been on Kirishima’s door instead. He’s not prepared for visitors, he’s sure he looks gross. God, what time is it?
“Kacchan please.”
He sighs, dragging himself out of bed. There’s a weight to the way his hands lifts, reaching for the door handle. He guesses he could simply not answer, but knowing Deku he’d find some way in. “What do you want?” Katsuki sighs as he opens the door, eyes growing wide when he sees what’s in front of him. It’s nothing spectacular, not by any means but-
“You left without eating yesterday, and I hadn’t seen you come down today but it’s already almost one so I thought that ma-”
“You’re rambling.” Katsuki bites.
Midoriya smiles, “Right.”
Katsuki invites the other in before he has a chance to think about what it is he’s doing, taking the bowl of Gohan. Midoriya’s eyes dart over the room but say nothing, there’s not too much to say. It’s not clean by any standards but Katsuki doesn’t do much of anything to let it get too messy. Clothes cover the floor and some water bottles spread the surfaces. “What time did you say it was?”
Midoriya snaps his attention away from the dirty clothes, “Um, 12:54.”
“Shit.”
“It’s Sunday though so pretty much everyone got up late.” Midoriya smiles brightly at him, trying to convince him it’s true. Katsuki nods anyway, ignoring what he knows. “I’m doing laundry today if-”
“You don’t need to do my shit for me, Deku.”
“It’s really no extra work, I barely have anything to wash.”
Katsuki huffs, “I don’t need your help.”
“I know.” Midoriya says quickly, “I’m still offering it though.”
“It’s my fucking bullshit- I need to get up and-”
“Kacchan, it’s just laundry.”
“Its life.” Katsuki bites back.
Midoriya shrugs, “It’s just life, it’ll be over before we know it. Just let me help.”
Katsuki shrinks under the green gaze, “Fine.” he mutters, staring hard at his rice, though he can still feel the other’s smile. “Oh, you won’t believe what happened during my last study with All Might” Midoriya starts and Katsuki doesn’t stop him. The boy finds anything to talk about, from something Mirio said to the type of bug on the sidewalk. Katsuki knows why he’s there. Part of him wants to tell him he doesn’t care, that it’s lame, or boring. But really, it’s the longest anyone has talked to Katsuki in months. So Midoriya keeps talking until Katsuki finishes his rice, then he takes the bowl and some clothes as he leaves.
A couple of hours later, a basket of clean clothes sets outside his dorm, and Katsuki doesn’t feel quite as alone as before.
-----------
“How was your weekend?” Rin asks with a soft smile.
“It was fine.” Katsuki sighs, falling back into the routine.
“How do you feel?”
“Tired.”
“Did you sleep?”
Katsuki huffs, “that’s all I did yeah.”
Rin nods, tapping his pen on the table. “Bakugou I know we talked about some diagnoses bef-“
“I still don’t what any,” Katsuki says. He glared at the therapist, who sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. “ Bakugou- “
“No, I don’t want some titles that make-“
“They don’t make you weak, Bakugou,” Rin argues.
Katsuki groans, “I don’t w-“
“Well, you don’t have a choice anymore.” The man huffs, Katsukis eyes are wide as he watches him, looking for his own words. “You are almost in your third year, you’ve been in therapy for nearly seven months.”
“ So? I still don’t want-“
Rin holds a hand up, silencing Katsuki, “We’ve made no progress.”
Katsuki scoffs, “what are you saying? That it’s because I’m- im broken ?”
“ No ,” Rin sighs, “because without a diagnosis I can’t treat you how it’s obvious you need-“
“Well, how do I need to be treated then!?” Katsuki yells, he’s not sure why or when it started, it’s been so long since he yelled. Other than well, maybe he’s been yelling more recently than he thought.
“Bakugou, I believe medication would be the best r-“
“ Medication?” Katsuki scoffs, growing angrier by the second, “why the hell would I need medication?”
Rin sighs, “sometimes therapy isn’t enough to help, depression is a ve-“
Katsuki throws his hands up, “hold on.” He demands, “stop. Stop . Depression? I’m n-“
“Depression is a very commo-“
“I’m not depressed!” Katsuki yells.
“Bakugou-“
The teen shakes his head, “no. No! I’m not-“
Rin squeezes his eyes shut, “Please, Bak-“ he tries again but Katsuki is already flying up out of his seat, “no! I’m not fucking depressed!” The man stands too, moving slowly he tries to step closer, Katsuki growls at him, “I want a new therapist.”
“What?”
Katsuki nods, “I want a new therapist. One that isn’t going to diagnose me with shit I don’t have!”
Rin huffs again, Katsuki watches him carefully, seeing his patience begin to shatter, fall around him. “Bakugou.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“Bakugou, ” he starts again, stricter, but Katsuki yells again, “I said I don’t want to hear it!”
“Bakugou sit down!” Rin shouts, finally snapping. Something crackles in Katsukis chest and he finds himself sitting on the couch again. His eyes follow the heavy rise and fall of the man’s chest, waiting for him to calm down. Something about it burns In Katsuki, a deep sinking feeling in his stomach. It’s familiar, watching someone calm themself down after Katsuki had made them upset.
He’s no better than he was.
“Bakugou listen,”
“Just put me on the meds.”
A confused look settles on Rins face, “what?”
“Look just,” Katsuki sighs, “it’s time for me to go, so just start me on the meds or whatever.”
“Uh, well it will take a bit for the prescription to come in, and I need to talk to your parents first-“
“Yeah, okay cool.”
“Bakugou, are you-“
Katsuki leaves the room before the other can ask, he’s not stopped. No one says anything to him as he makes his way through the halls or the common room. The elevator is empty when he steps in. Kirishima doesn’t wave to him as he leaves his room and Katsuki enters his. There’s no notifications as he clicks on his phone.
And suddenly, the feeling of being completely and utterly alone is back. Heavy and uncomfortable like a wet blanket.
------------
Katsuki tries not to think about life. At all. Before, in the pas t, Katsuki would have notebooks filled with ideas, plans, hopes, dreams. Everything. Katsuki would fall asleep at night dreaming of his future.
He tries his hardest not to do that anymore. Because when Katsuki thinks about his life, his future. The world seems to crumble under his feet. Like everything is falling away from him. Because the future is tortuous to think about.
Katsuki is already so tired. He is so tired of waking up and trying and nothing is the way he needs it to be.
At one point in life, the thought of his future was an escape. The idea of being in his twenties, happy, and successful was the only thing keeping him from sinking into a dark hole he couldn’t scratch his way out of.
Now it’s like a ball and chain, forcing him lower into the hole, sinking into the ground so no matter how hard and long Katsuki tries to bring himself up, he can’t.
Because He has to grow up.
He is only seventeen.
But seventeen already feels like it’s been too damn long.
“Bakugou?”
Katsuki jumps at his name, eyes shooting up and landing on an unexpected sight. “Sero?”
“The bell rang for lunch like five minutes ago man.” Sero smiles down at Katsuki wearily, his eyes scan over him, taking in every part of the mess he’s become, “You doing alright?”
Katsuki can’t help the scoff that comes out, “What do you care?”
Sero frowns, “I mean, we’re friends aren’t we?”
The words cause Katsuki to freeze, stuck in his desk still staring up at the other. The words weren’t that shocking, nothing out of the ordinary but.. .no? No, they weren’t friends were they?
Anger boiled in Katsukis chest, his eyebrows scrunching as he slams his books into his bag. “No. Were not.”
“Oh come on man, why not?” Sero tries to laugh, “Dude seriously?”
“Yes!” Katsuki yells, “Yes. Seriously, now how about you go find your actual fucking friends you haven’t been ignoring for the past two months!”
Sero gapes at him, scrambling to follow after him as he stomped away, “Wait Bakugou! Is that was this is about! Come on Bakugou! We can’t ignore you if you never reach out!”
He freezes, halting in the middle of the hallway, he’s right.
“Seriously, come eat lunch with us.” The offer is tempting, it feels like before but Katsuki knows he can’t be the before anymore. So he shakes his head, he can feel Sero’s frown from behind him. “Why not?”
“Have you not talked to Kirishima?” Katsuki huffs, he hears Sero let out an exaggerated huff back, “Bakugou, man, you guys have had so many arguments what’s so different about this one?” The silence that follows is heavy and telling, as is the other boy’s gaze. There are a few steps, coming closer towards Katsuki, he flinches forward when he feels them come to close. “Bakugou, are you sure you’re okay?”
------------
Something spirals after that day.
Katsuki spirals after that day.
He guesses he was already spiraling, but that day, that conversation was a breaking point, because he could never fix what was already done. He could never change his past and he could never make himself a good person.
Katsuki never answered Sero’s question, he just walked away. Sero didn’t try to ask again. He didn’t have a chance.
Katsuki stopped leaving his room.
He didn’t go to class, Aizawa let it slide at first, not even a comment about it. Then a week passed without a single word from Bakugou Katsuki, the loudest student UA had ever had. Rin expressed he had not been coming to therapy, that someone should check on him. The second Monday of Katsuki not showing up struck a pain of panic, Kirishima was asked to go check on him. Sero went instead.
When he returned there was no Bakugou by his side, just a somber look saying Bakugou had asked him to kindly go away.
It was proof of life, and that was enough.
The spiral didn’t end there. For a moment Katsuki believed that no one coming to drag him out was what made him spiral down farther. Though when he sits down at his desk the next Monday with a pencil in his hand he realizes something.
That he wasn’t trying to get better anymore.
Bakugou Katsuki was gone.
Katsuki was a shell of his previous self, and he had no desire to look for the old one or create a new one. His spiral was the fault of no one but himself because he stopped fighting, and that is okay with him.
It’s just life.
It’ll be over before anyone knows it.
Later that morning when Aizawa asks someone to go check on Bakugou, Sero will return out of breath and in tears, gasping that Bakugou would not answer the door.
Time feels frozen when it happens. Tears are spilled as students hold each other in the classroom while Aizawa starts running towards the dorms, yelling at Mic to follow him and Snipe to watch the kids.
Aizawa and Mic don’t return for almost an hour, something shatters when they finally do. They look broken. Mic holds Aizawa as they walk to the front of the room and before they even speak the broken sobs bounce off the walls as students realize Katsuki is gone.
And they lost Bakugou Katsuki long before.
------------------
Classes are immediately canceled for the week, but the 2A students are left stuck in the classroom. No one is permitted to go near the dorms for hours. The room feels thick, the air suffocating.
The class was never this way. There was always laughter, always a joke good or not. But now it was broken and heavy. Everyone chokes on their tears. Ashido sobs in Seros arms, who is staring blankly at nothing. His eyes don’t move, only tears spill down his cheeks. He looks like he’s seen a ghost. Aizawa wonders what he would be like if he had been able to open Bakugou’s door. He wonders if the sight would have been any different. Though, he knows it wouldnt have, Bakugou was gone hours before Sero had reached his room. “Fuck!” The shout shakes the room, eyes shooting over to were Kaminari cries and begs Kirishima to calm down. Aizawa goes to stand but Hizashi pushes his shoulder back, heading over to console the boy.
It makes sense that group hurts the most, though everyone is crumbling. Midoriya had already been picked up by his mother, falling under the family rules.
It’s nearly dark outside before the students are allowed to go back to their dorms. Aizawa and Hizashi walk with the students back. Their steps are slow. They all pause outside the doors. Staring in.
No one moves. No one talks. No one does anything more than simply exist outside. Theres a pain in everyones chest, because looking around, it’s not odd to not see Bakugou. It’s not strange for him to be the only one not around. Except now they know he’s gone.
It pulls at their stability, to realize that he was not there.
Eventually everyone goes inside. Aizawa and Hizashi wait by the doors as they gather themselves and head to their rooms. Kirishima lays down on the couch. No one says a word.
------------
It’s quiet on campus, has been the last few days. Classes for all members of 2A are canceled for the next week. The other classes continue on like normal, even so they are quiet. Maybe it’s sock or simple respect, possibly even grief. Aizawa isn’t sure. He isn't sure of most things anymore. His head swarms with questions. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Everything.
The conversation he had with Sero yesterday after leaving Bakugou’s room hangs in his mind. The words dripping everywhere like a soaked towel of pain. Something about the way his words broke when he explained he knew something was wrong with Bakugou, that he had seen it. Aizawa can’t pretend he hadn’t seen it too, he can’t pretend Midoriya hadn’t expressed concern. He can’t forget the way Rin had become more and more worried all the time. He can’t lie and say he didn’t see the way Bakugou had changed over time. At first, he did lie to himself. Repeating to himself over and over that he was looking too far into it, that it was good he was calming down and becoming more tolerable. But is the solution for intolerance death?
No.
Bakugou wasn’t even intolerant, that’s simply a kick to the poor boy who is already down. Bakugou was hurt, and sure the school gave him therapy but nothing more. There’s so much more that could have been done and they didn’t do anything. Though in the end, was there ever any way to stop this outcome? Yes? Maybe? No? Probably? He doesn’t fucking know.
“Sensei?”
The man jumps at the voice, eyes searching around to find the source of the voice, “Oh- Kaminari. What is it? Classes are still canceled for the week.”
“I know I know. I um- I needed to um.”
“Are you alright?”
Kaminari smiles, the tears curving in their stream at the pull of his lips. “That’s a bit of a dumb question don’t you think sir?”
“Yeah.” Aizawa nods, “Yeah it is.”
“I’m sorry, Sensei. I just really need someone to talk to.”
“Are the counselors not available?”
“Oh- I don’t really like talking to people I don’t trust.”
Aizawa freezes at the words, chewing on his lip. “Oh. Well- yeah of course you can talk to me Kaminari.”
“Thank you, sir.” Kaminari tries to smile again, but the energy isn’t there. So he sits instead. “It’s just- I’ve never- I’ve never lost someone so suddenly. I don’t know how to deal with it I guess?”
“If you need more time to- well you were one of the closest to Bakugou so-“
“I’m not here to ask for more excuses from school, sensei.”
“Oh.” Is all the man can find to reply with. The silence is uncomfortable but everything is. Everything is so uncomfortable. Aizawa has lost people before, he has, but something is just so broken without Bakugou that it’s nearly unbearable. “Mr. Aizawa? How do you do it? How- how can I do it?”
“Do what?”
“Um- fuck- could I have...could I have saved him?” As Kaminari chokes out the question, Aizawa’s resolve shatters. The questions of his own mind come barreling back, the self-pity and hatred of knowing that he didn’t, couldn’t save Bakugou crushing his mind. Quickly he wipes away his own tears and clears his throat. “Kaminari, don’t treat this like it was your responsibility.” A thick silence takes over the room again. Kaminari shifts, uncomfortable in his spot before he whispers, “He didn’t want to be saved.” Aizawa considers the thought, “No, probably not.”
“So I couldn’t have done it? Saved him.”
Aizawa swallows the bitter taste in his mouth. “I don’t-um. Kaminari, I don’t think you can save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”
“I should have tried-“
“Bakugou’s life was never your responsibility, Kaminari.”
“But he needed help-“
“Did he say anything to you?” Aizawa asks, already knowing the answer.
“No, but I should have seen-“
“Kaminari .” Aizawa reprimands, trying his hardest to stay unwavering. “You were not responsible for his life. You didn’t know. There was nothing you could do.”
The tears leave large spots on Kaminari’s hoodie as he sobs, “but I knew! We all knew! Sensei we all knew!”
The teacher only leans forward to pull Kaminari into a hug, with no words left on his tongue because it’s the truth. They all knew he wasn’t okay. And even if in the end they couldn’t have saved him, they could have tried.
And none of them can truthfully say they actually tried.
-----------
Classes resume after a week, there’s still a heavy feeling, no one has recovered, how could they be expected to? Though, they are expected to try and return. Aizawa however does stop one student as he begins to walk through the door, pulling him into the hallway. “Kirishima, if you.” Aizawa pauses, swallowing dryly, “If you need a bit longer of a break. I um- okay i know you were closer to Bakugou than the r-”
“He was my best friend.”
“Kirishima-”
“I’m fine sensei.”
“No, you’re not.”
Kirishima scoffs. He stares down at the floor avoiding the pity-filled gaze. “Yeah...yeah you’re right.”
“Kirishima you really should talk about it to someone.”
“Who?”
The pause that fills the room is heavy and hesitant but Aizawa sighs, “I, or Hizashi, or I’m sure a counselor would be willing-“
Kirishima shakes his head, “what do I even talk about?”
“Well, what bothers you the most?”
“Are you serious?”
“That was- foolish right. Other than- Well.” The man huffs. Running his hand down his face. “Are you angry, Kirishima?”
“Sir-“
“Kirishima. Whatever you say will not get you in trouble. Just tell me, are you angry?”
“Yes.” The words fall off the boy’s tongue heavy and sad and broken. Aizawa does his best not to flinch. “At what? At who?”
“Myself. Him. You. Everyone. God! Everything. I was- I was mad at him before this- he was struggling and so was I and i just- I pushed him away. Because he was always coming to me for help but never asking me if I was okay but I- I never gave him a chance to ask me. I- I was so selfish to just assume he wouldn’t care but obviously, he did care- I know that. But then I thought he hated me so I stopped trying to talk to him when he needed someone most. I left him alone! I’m so angry at myself for leaving him alone! And I’m angry at him for giving up! And I’m angry at you for not stopping it! And fuck I’m just so angry!” Kirishima sobs, falling against the wall. Aizawa bites his cheek, forcing himself to stay composed, “You can’t blame yourself for this.”
“Can’t I?”
“No, Kirishima, you can’t.”
“Is there someone to blame?” Kirishima whispers. Aizawa doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t think he’ll ever have the answers everyone is looking for. “Mr. Aizawa?”
“Yes?”
The boy fidgets, rubbing his hands against each other, “Was there a note?”
Aizawa sighs, heavy and deep, “Yeah- Kirishima. There was a note.”
Dear everyone or anyone who reads this,
I’m fucking sorry. Truly, I am so sorry that you have to read this, that you have to see this. That you have to clean up yet another mess I’ve made. I want to say that I didn’t want to do this, that I tried to stay alive, because at one point that was true. But now writing this, I can tell you it’s not. I’m too tired. Too weak. I can’t fight anymore. Katsuki was a name chosen by my parents out of pride and meant for achievement. And I haven’t lived up to that, not in the slightest. Who I was, was horrible and I am so so so fucking sorry for everything I did. Everything I did to those around me, to Deku, to my parents, to my friends, stranger, teachers. Everyone.
I realized recently that while I am not who I used to be, who I am while writing this is no better, and who I could become can never be better. So I’m ending it. There’s no good way out of a situation that involves a shitty person. Part of me is still angry that no one came to help me, but I know now that if I really wanted to get better I could have reached out. And truthfully, Bakugou Katsuki has been gone which is good. Now I just need to end what’s left, what’s Katsuki.
To my parents, thank you for seventeen years of life, even if they were far too long and far too hard for me to handle, that is not your fault. You gave me life. I am choosing to end it. I’m sorry and I love you. To my teachers, thank you for trying to help me be who I needed to be. Especially Mr, Aizawa, your energy was not wasted. To my previous friends, I’m so sorry for everything I said, and for all the pain I’ve put you through, know truly, I loved you. To Deku, I will never be able to express how sorry I am to you, though guess I am taking my own advice huh? To everyone or anyone, know none of this was your fault.
Sincerely,
Katsuki.