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She’s not sure how she let it get this bad.
She kept telling herself over and over that she would tell him… eventually. Eventually seemed so far away at first, especially when they weren’t talking, but suddenly it’s been too long for this to come as anything less than a shock.
She tries to think of a way to blame it on him, but she knows this one was all her. Something that started out as first on the list of ‘anything that doesn’t have to do with Josh Lyman’ somehow came back around to having everything to do with Josh Lyman. Typical.
She takes a deep breath as she walks into the post office to pick up her mail. It’s all being held for her there from when she was still on the campaign trail, because the twitchy chick from treasury is in her apartment. Sorry, her old apartment. They’ve only been back from vacation for a week and a half, and while she agreed to move in with him, she still hasn’t changed her mailing address yet. She should probably take care of that while she’s here, but she’s got other things on her mind at the moment.
The clerk behind the counter places a pile of mail in front of her and Donna tenses. She can see it – the big priority mail envelope. It’s smaller than she had imagined it, everyone else’s seem so big hanging on their office walls. Perhaps it’s because it’s not in a frame yet, she tells herself. Maybe it will seem like a bigger deal when it’s encased in glass and hanging behind her desk in the East Wing. She puts frame-buying on her to do list for that weekend.
She picks it up slowly, ignoring the flyers and promotional menus and whatever else is in the small pile on the counter. She feels the tears start to form behind her eyes, and she can’t believe that one of the biggest moments of her life is causing her this much stress. She told herself she’d open it there, in the post office, rather than in a place that doesn’t quite feel like home yet. She wants to savor the moment; she wants to feel proud of herself instead of the guilt she knows awaits her at home followed by the angry I can’t believe you’d hide this from me.
It was never her intention of hiding it from him. She knows when she tells him the whole story that’s how he’ll see it, but she never meant for it to do as much harm as it did in the end. The fact that the damage still isn’t completely done will just add fuel to his fire.
As much as she’s convinced that he’ll react poorly to this, she’s still holding out the tiniest bit of hope that maybe he’ll be happy for her. He used to encourage her to do this all the time, talking to her about colleges and classes and coursework. She’d see the light in his eyes when he talked about the world of academia, and it took everything in her to push it down and say maybe when the term’s over, I’ll have more time.
That was always the plan, even if it was on the backburner for a few crazy years. She always knew she’d go back to school eventually; she just didn’t know when. It wasn’t until her talk with CJ and the sudden near-death-experience that followed that she actually started thinking about it in anything more than the abstract. She’d started looking into schools and classes and even sent in two applications for spring semester enrollment while she was still at home recovering, mostly because there wasn’t anything else to do but watch daytime television, but also because she knew Josh wouldn’t see it before she was ready to tell him about it.
A few weeks later, she was back on her feet and back at work when the acceptance letter came in the mail: Georgetown, Class of 2006. After her transfer credits from Wisconsin, and a signed letter from a supervisor along with a short paper detailing why her work at the White House should be counted as research credit hours, by her count she could graduate in a semester and a half. August. She’d graduate college in August. With the pace of the White House those days with the administration winding down, she could probably even manage to do it by May.
Of course, what happened next, she couldn’t see coming. No one could actually.
She remembers walking into work the next day with the biggest smile on her face and all the courage in the world as she breezed past her desk, not bothering to take off her coat, and straight into Josh’s office to tell him her plan.
He wasn’t in his office, but rather standing by her workstation. She found him staring at her desk when she left his office, and she was about to ask what he was doing when he followed his line of sight to a bouquet of flowers on her desk.
She asked if they were from him, he said no. He walked back into his office with his hands in his pockets, shutting the door behind him. She thought it was odd he didn’t want to know who they were from, but when she read the open note attached, she realized he’d probably read it to. They were from Colin.
She hadn’t spoken to Colin since she told him to leave back in Germany. He was kind about it all, somehow understanding her relationship with Josh without having to ask. The flowers would have been a friendly gesture, with the sweet note hope you’re feeling better -Colin, had they not come at the worst possible time.
After that, things started to spiral. She knows realistically that her going back to school was not the catalyst for the fall of her and Josh’s professional relationship, but it sure as hell still feels like it is, and she knows he’ll see it that way too. Every day after that morning with the flowers, things just started to get more and more tense between them, and every day Donna got a little more unsure about telling him her plan of moving forward.
She wasn’t planning on leaving her job, not at first. She had that job down pat by year seven, and she knew she could juggle the job and the schoolwork together. No, keeping the job was actually a vital part of her plan. Of course, things work out the way they’re meant to, and that’s usually not the same as how she wants them to.
The days started to become unbearable working for him. He was pulling away from her and she was letting him, although she still doesn’t understand why since all she wanted was for him to pull her closer. They stopped eating lunches together and stopped talking about non-work-related things altogether at one point. The day came for Donna to officially enroll and she still hadn’t told him about it yet. She almost didn’t go through with it, but CJ’s voice kept popping up in her head saying do anything that doesn’t have to do with Josh Lyman. Donna dropped her enrollment letter into the mailbox that night swearing that this would be something she did with or without him.
The rest of the story is self-explanatory for anyone who was paying any bit of attention to them in Washington. Donna found a new job, one she thought she wouldn’t actively hate every day and one with a significant pay raise so she could actually be able to afford the classes she wanted to take. Will knew about her classes the day she started working for him, all online so she could do the work from the campaign trail. Will was slightly impressed that Donna was actually going back to school, during a national campaign no less, but overall, he didn’t really think twice about her or her classes as long as she didn’t let it get in the way of the campaign. She never did.
It was harder to juggle the classes with the campaign schedule than her desk job schedule, but the grueling hours were something she had become accustomed to over the past few years. The course work was easy enough, her real-life experience putting her leaps and bounds above the twenty-one-years-olds in her class, but the hardest part about the whole endeavor was not telling Josh.
They weren’t speaking during the entire spring semester, and as much as she wanted to tell him about it, she knew she couldn’t. She was moving on and moving away from Josh Lyman, and she should be happy about that. Instead, it made her miserable, knowing how much he’d love poking holes in her position papers and teasing her about being a day late on that one assignment, and knowing that she’d never get to share any of that with him.
She continued with it through the summer, even after she managed to get a job on the Santos campaign much to Josh’s dismay. They still weren’t talking and could barely be in a room together back then, so it was still relatively easy for her to hide it all from him. Near the end of the course is when things started to thaw between them. She started thinking that she would eventually tell him, if and when they ever managed to break through the ice and get back to being friends.
The next three months were a whirlwind, and once again things did not go according to plan for Donna. She finished her last paper just in time for the final two-month push of the campaign where things would start to get crazy (as if they could get crazier). She celebrated alone in her hotel room with the mini bottle of champagne from the mini bar, which was a sad enough sight that she probably would have ended up crying that night had it not been for the surprise room service delivery.
It was dessert for one, wheeled in on a cart, but what threw Donna for a loop was that she never actually ordered anything from room service. She had a moment of panic when she thought maybe Josh had somehow figured it out – because this is exactly the type of thing he’d do instead of just talking to her about it – but was relieved when the card said another name on it.
Congrats, kid. Welcome to the big leagues. -Leo
Of course, besides her parents and Will, Leo was the only other person who’d known about her college endeavors. After she quit on Josh, she realized she still needed someone to sign her papers saying she did in fact work at the White House for all those years. She couldn’t go back and face Josh (not that she thought he’d sign them anyways, just out of spite), so she went over his head. Leo signed them with no trouble, only wishing her the best after she made him promise her not to tell Josh about it. He asked her about it only once, right when she joined the Santos-McGarry campaign, and his main question was mostly does he know yet?
Donna was overwhelmed that someone as important as Leo was still keeping tabs on her.
After her lame attempt at a celebration that night, the campaign went into overdrive and the thought of school was pushed out of her mind. She had no time to dwell on it now, it was over, and she’d deal with the rest later. Of course, when she meant later, she meant after the end of the campaign, but the end of the campaign had just brought on the beginning of her and Josh, which turned into transition, which turned into vacation, which turned into the real beginning of her and Josh.
Imagine her surprise when she got an email saying that the diplomas were finally being sent out in the mail, and it all came crashing back to her.
She and Josh hashed (almost) everything out in Hawaii, and things were finally looking up for them. She knew she had to tell him now, because if she wanted any shot of making this work, they would have to be honest with each other, but she still wasn’t sure he wouldn’t blow up about this.
After standing at the counter of the post-office for far too long staring at the package in her hands, Donna swept up the rest of the mail and headed out the door.
She ran her other errands while she argued her side of the inevitable fight in her head. She knew he’d be hurt, but they just had to push through this one. It was over and done with, nothing they could do about it now but accept it and move on.
She debated opening the package alone in the car when she pulled on to their street. She debated opening it alone in her office the next morning as she walked up the stairs to her apartment. She debated how long it would actually take him to notice it hanging up behind her desk if she just didn’t tell him, but knowing her luck, he’d somehow spot it on day one.
She takes a deep breath before taking out her keys and unlocking the door. She’s not even sure if he’s home yet, but she’s preparing for battle just in case. When she finally twists the knob and pushes the door open, Josh is nowhere in sight, but it’s clear that he’s been here.
Who else would have tied a two dollar “GRAD” balloon to the kitchen chair?
*
It was a Saturday night and for once Josh was leaving the transition offices at a reasonable time. Most nights he was there until late, but so was everyone (including Donna) trying to do everything they had to do in the next eight weeks. He knew things would always be a certain level of hectic in their lives, but after transition and especially after the first 100 days things would slow down. It helped that he had someone in his life that understood that for once. He felt bad for Sam, trying to adjust his fiancée to this world.
He headed towards one of the bigger offices in the corner, the one shared by the First Lady in Waiting and her Future Chief of Staff, looking for his girlfriend. It would be nice to be the one dragging her out of the office for once, instead of the usual other way around.
Naturally, his plan was foiled by the fact that Donna seemed to have already left. He thought it was a little strange that she hadn’t told him she was heading home, but then Helen Santos walked in through another door and that thought was lost.
“Good evening Mrs. Santos,” he greeted with a smile. He still wasn’t sure she liked him.
“Hey, Josh,” she smiled slightly back. Progress. “Looking for Donna?”
“Uh, yeah,” he said as he took another look around the office, as if he’d find a clue to her whereabouts hidden in the bookshelves. “Did she leave already?”
“Yeah, not too long ago. She said she had some errands to run before the stores closed.”
“Oh,” Josh said as if that made her location any clearer. He furrowed his brown when he realized it didn’t. “Uh…”
Helen rolled her eyes, which Josh could feel even though he wasn’t looking at her. “She didn’t say what the errands were if that’s what you’re asking.”
“…yes.”
“I’d imagine one of them would be picking up her mail. I hear congratulations are in order.”
“Yeah,” Josh said slowly, playing along even though he had no idea what she was talking about.
“She must be excited,” Helen smiled.
He hesitated for a second trying to figure it out. The only thing Josh could think of was the news of he and Donna moving in together. “I think she is, yeah.”
“There’s nothing quite like holding your degree in your hands for the first time.”
Josh swears his brain made a record scratch noise. “What?”
“You know the feeling, when you finally get that piece of paper saying that all the late nights spent studying were worth it in the end. That feeling of accomplishment when you can finally put college behind you.”
“College?”
Helen gave him a confused look. “Yeah, college, the place you go to study a subject for a few years and come out the other side with this thing called a diploma?”
Josh blinked.
“Earth to Josh,” said Helen. “I know you went to college, twice, the proof hangs in your office, so why do you look confused?”
“Yeah,” Josh started slowly, trying to understand something without having all of the information just yet, “but you’re talking about Donna.”
“Yes.”
“Donna didn’t go to college. Well, she did, she just never finished college.”
“Yes, she did.”
Josh was even more confused now. It wasn’t like Donna to lie about her education; as far as he knew she was always straight up about it.
“She finished in August, you don’t remember?”
“Remember?” Josh asked.
“Yeah, although I guess you two weren’t really… close back then.” Helen laughed a little before reality dawned on her, and her eyes grew wide. “She didn’t tell you yet, did she?”
“Uh, no,” was all Josh managed to answer.
“Oh god, I really put my foot in my mouth this time,” she mused.
Josh would have found it hard not to agree, had he not been thoroughly confused at the time.
“Wait,” he said as he put one hand on his hip and one hand in the air, “back up. What exactly did Donna do?”
Helen went on to tell him about Donna finally finished her bachelor’s degree back in August. Apparently, no one really knew about it while she had classes going on, but after they finished, she had confided in Helen one night about it. Helen was begging her to talk about anything that wasn’t campaign related, and so Donna told her about this obnoxious TA in one of her classes last spring.
After Helen told Josh all she knew, she could see the anger and hurt flash in his eyes. She’d seen him angry before (quickly learning they didn’t call him Bartlet’s Bulldog for nothing) but this was different. He was furious, that much she could tell, but he also seemed… sad?
“Josh?” she asked quietly after giving him a minute to digest this. “You okay?”
“I just-” he stopped himself. Was he really going to confide in Helen Santos? Apparently today he was. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Probably because she’s afraid you’ll react like that,” Helen mused, pointing out Josh’s white knuckles as he held the strap of his backpack a little tighter.
“I don’t understand it. One second I think things are fine, just like they were before, but then she goes and does something like this and suddenly I don’t know what the hell she’s thinking,” Josh ranted as he started to pace.
“Like they were before?” Helen asked. She wanted to help the poor boy out, but she has yet to pry the full extent of their relationship out from Donna so there are some things she still doesn’t understand. She’ll get it eventually, she always does.
“Before…” Josh trailed off, not having the time or the energy to explain their unique friendship followed by the six-month silent war at the moment. “I mean, I knew she always wanted to go back but I didn’t know… I was always supportive of it! We’d talk about it for… hours some nights.” He smiled slightly at the memory of one late night in his office. The smile vanished as quick as it came, but Helen didn’t miss it. “She knew what I thought about this, she has known for… forever! Why wouldn’t she just tell me?”
“Maybe because that was before, and this is now,” Helen offered, still not really knowing when ‘before’ was but trying to help regardless.
Apparently, that was enough for Josh, because after another few seconds of thinking he suddenly seemed to have figured something out. What that was, he wasn’t even really sure of, but he knew what he had to do next.
“Thanks,” he turned to Helen before he bolted out the door, “for… that.”
Helen gave him her first genuine smile since they met. “Josh?”
“Yeah?” he answered, practically bouncing with either energy or anxiety (probably both).
“I think she just wants you to be proud of her.”
That stopped the bouncing. Josh looked serious.
“I’ve been proud of her since she made it from Madison to Nashua by herself in that deathtrap she called a car back in 1998. Everything after that has been… inspiring.”
*
When she opens the door to the apartment, she barely has time to step inside and close the door before she sees what’s waiting for her.
Sitting on the table was a bottle of champagne accompanied by two empty glasses. Next to it was a flimsy dollar-store version of a grad cap and tied to the chair behind it was the cheesiest balloon that had ‘GRAD’ flashing across both sides.
Donna would have laughed had she not been absolutely terrified when she walked through the door.
While her emotions were playing catch up, Josh wandered out of the bathroom and immediately spotted her in the entryway. They locked eyes and for some reason both of them looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Josh finally spoke first.
“You’re not supposed to be home yet.”
Donna was still trying to process the contents of the table, so all she could manage in response was, “what?”
“Hang on,” Josh said as the corners of his mouth twitched, “don’t move.” He darted into the bedroom.
Donna wasn’t sure she could move even if she wanted to.
She doesn’t remember dropping her purse with the rest of the mail, or taking off her jacket, but by the time he reemerges from their bedroom she realizes she’s only holding the still sealed package.
“Donna,” he calls as he appears in the doorway, no longer in his shirt and tie but in a dark blue sweatshirt he’s pulling over his head, “where’s that stupid camera we bought?”
He wanders into the spare room, the one they keep saying they’ll turn into an office eventually, and before Donna can answer his question, he returns looking victorious with the camera they got on vacation in his hands.
As he makes his way back to the entryway, smug grin in place, Donna can finally make out the word Georgetown written in white and gray across his chest.
She can feel the tears forming behind her eyes again, although this time for much different reasons. She’s still standing there speechless when he walks up to her.
“You didn’t open it yet, did you?” he asks.
Apparently, that was the last straw because before she knows what she’s doing, she’s wrapped her arms around his neck and is hugging him tighter than she ever remembers doing before. He’s stunned for half a beat before his arms wrap around her middle in response and they hold each other for a little while longer.
He can feel her relax in his arms, and that’s when he knows Helen was right about her being nervous for his reaction. He hates that he makes her feel like that sometimes, and he makes a self-promise to try to do better for her.
When they finally pull apart, he still keeps his arms around her holding her close. When he can finally see her face, he sees the tears shining in her eyes but not daring to spill over the edge. He doesn’t know why she’s holding them back, and he’s not sure how to make it all better, so he does the one thing he can do now when he doesn’t know what else to do. He kisses her.
She kisses him back for a minute before pulling back and holding his face in her hands. “How did you know?” she asked cautiously.
“I came looking for you at the office and ran into Mrs. Santos instead. We had a little chat.”
Donna raised an eyebrow at that. “You and Helen?”
“Yeah, actually. It was nice.”
He could tell that Donna wanted to say more. She had that look she always got when she couldn’t really figure out how to say what she wanted to say. Sometimes if he waited her out, she’d figure it out, but sometimes he just needed to move on, and she’d find a way to circle back to it later. Tonight, it was the latter.
“So, I got champagne,” he started, “because as you know, I am a man of occasion.”
“I noticed,” she smiled.
“And I was going to get you one of those little cakes that says ‘congratulations’ or something else just as cheesy, but I couldn’t actually find one on such short notice. I got ice cream instead, which I know you like better anyways so I guess it worked out.”
She just nodded in response.
“So,” he said turning serious, “are you gonna open that thing or what?”
Donna laughed at that, and Josh smiled in response.
Of course, he wouldn’t be Josh if he didn’t make her open the envelope as dramatic as possible. He made her wear the ninety-nine-cent grad cap and he took about a hundred pictures (which turned out to only be about four because he still doesn’t really understand how to use the camera, but at least one came out good) of her pulling her diploma out of the package and popped the champagne after.
Donna held the piece of paper in her hands and she finally let one single tear fall down her face as she stared at it. Ten years and a lifetime of experience later, she finally finished what she started in Wisconsin a long time ago. When she used to think about school, all she could picture was her ex-boyfriend’s face the day he suggested she drop out. Now, she thinks about writing papers on a campaign bus, a single dessert in a hotel room, and the image of her boyfriend not knowing how to use a digital camera. Definitely an upgrade.
*
A few hours and a pint of ice cream later, Josh and Donna were snuggled up on the couch watching the end of whatever movie was on tc that night. She was playing with the fabric on the sleeve of his sweatshirt, just like she had been for the last half hour, when she finally spoke.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Josh replied, a little thrown by the sudden question.
She looked back at him with a smile on her face. “Did you get this sweatshirt for me or for you?”
“For me,” he answered instantly, as if that was the only correct answer. “You stole both of my alma mater hoodies years ago and refuse to give them back, so I think it’s only fair that I wear yours.”
“You know I’ll just end up stealing this one too, right?”
He tightened the arms wrapped around her just slightly. “Yeah, but now if I want it back, I just have to look in the other side of the closet. So much easier than trying to stealthily take it back from your apartment.”
“You did manage to steal the Harvard one back once though.”
“Yeah, for about two weeks before it mysteriously disappeared again,” he adds with a laugh.
“Well, at least you know where it is now,” she smiled as she leaned back into his embrace.
They were quiet for another minute, Josh turning his own question over in his mind before finally finding his voice.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why didn’t I tell you I went back to school?” she asked for him.
Josh nodded; his head buried in the back of her neck. He’d been wanting to ask her this all night, but he didn’t want to overwhelm her with it before she was ready to answer.
Donna turned in his arms so that she was facing him when she started her explanation.
“I didn’t know how to tell you at first. It was after Gaza but before I started working for Russell, and things between us were just so…”
“Weird?”
“Tense. I mean, we weren’t talking about anything really at that point, so it just never seemed like the right time to bring it up. After that, things sort of spiraled for us and before I knew it, I was writing my first essay and we hadn’t spoken in weeks.”
Josh held on to her a little tighter. He didn’t like thinking about the time when they weren’t talking. It was the worst few months of his life.
“But why didn’t you tell me after? From the little information I have, I think we were… sort of friends when you were still in your last few weeks.”
“Well, ‘sort of’ is the key phrase there. We’d just gotten back to not hating each other anymore, I wasn’t ready to upset that balance just yet. I was scared we’d lose what little progress we had made, and I really couldn’t do another stretch of silence again.”
Josh picked up her hand and intertwined their fingers as he turned that over in his head.
“You thought I wouldn’t be supportive?” he asked tentatively.
“No, I was always pretty sure that you’d be happy for me in the end. It was the getting to that point that was the problem. Every time I played the scenario out in my head, it usually consisted of lots of yelling and more accusations of betrayal. Sometimes it ended with us never talking again, and I wasn’t willing to risk that.”
“I wish I could tell you I wouldn’t have yelled, but I probably would have,” he admitted as Donna buried her face in his neck. “Hell, I wanted to yell today when I found out. At first, I thought it was just because I was angry at you for keeping this from me, but I think it was more because I was upset I missed it. I missed this whole big part of your life, and for what?”
Donna shrugged. They went over most of this stuff on vacation, both yelling until they were blue in the face just to get it all out there. There were a few tears shed in the initial battles, but the end result was worth it because they finally got on the same page about everything. After that, after finally figuring this thing out after eight years, the rest of it didn’t seem to matter much anymore.
“Everything just happened so fast at first, that before I knew it, we were in this really solid place and I still hadn’t told you. Honestly, I’d kind of forgotten about it until they told us they were shipping the diplomas out. By then, it just seemed like so much time had passed that telling you now would only end in an argument. When I got home, I sat in the car for an extra ten minutes prepping for a fight.”
Josh pulled back so he could look her in the eye again. She met his gaze and looked almost scared at what he was going to say.
“I don’t want to fight about this,” he whispered.
“Me neither,” she whispered back.
He leaned in and kissed her softly. She kissed him back, wanting to pour all of her emotions into it, but before it could escalate, he pulled back.
“But I do want to hear about it.”
“What?” she asked slightly dazed from the kiss. “Hear about what?”
“About… everything,” he said waving his hand in the air. “Tell me which classes you ended up taking, and which ones actually taught you anything. Talk to me about which professors were completely full of shit, and which twenty-something kid was so obnoxious you wanted to punch him every day for a whole semester.”
A slow smile spread across Donna’s face when she realized what he was saying. “Really?”
“Really,” he replied gently. “Just because I wasn’t around when it was happening doesn’t mean I don’t want to know about it. I wanna hear all the good stories,” he added with a grin.
“Well, there was this one professor, who honest to god I don’t think could tell the difference between Congress and the Senate…”
They stayed wrapped up on the couch for hours that night. It was almost morning by the time they finally went to bed after all was said and done. Donna felt much lighter after that night, finally getting to share all of her thoughts on her brief time at Georgetown with him. She told him about how hard it is to try to write on a campaign bus (and how she doesn’t know how Toby and Sam did it so often), about the few people who knew about her situation and were supportive, and how one of their favorite people seemed to always keep an eye on her when he knew that Josh couldn’t do it himself.
She told him all the best (and worst) stories from the few classes she had to take, and Josh listened with such intensity. She always knew he loved hearing about the world of academia, and she thought, not for the first time, that maybe one day when the big adventure of the White House was over, he’d return to it.
The diploma sat on the kitchen table, forgotten for the rest of the night. In the end, it wasn’t really the piece of paper that mattered, as Josh had told her many times, but rather the things you learn and the people you meet along the way.
(They still went out and bought a fancy frame for it the next day, and on Monday morning he helped her hang it on the wall behind her desk.)