Work Text:
We fade in on Harold, Sid, Stinky, and Arnold walking down the street, returning from a stick hockey game, engrossed in conversation.
Stinky:
All’s I’m sayin’ is, I’d bet dollars to donuts that Ulysses Grant could pin Benjamin Franklin in the ring.
Sid:
Oh yeah? Then why is Ben Franklin on the hundred, and Grant is only on the fifty? Because Franklin is twice as cool!
Arnold:
...Sure, Sid.
Harold stops short in front of the gang and points at something.
Harold:
Hey, pipe down, guys, that’s the thing I’ve been telling you about!
We pan up to reveal that he is pointing at a billboard advertising a huge, gleaming red pickup truck.
Stinky:
Willikers, what is that magnificent machine?
Harold:
The X-550 Stallion, King Cobra package: the world’s most powerful truck. Seven hundred horsepower V12 engine, independent rear suspension, real chrome finish and an extended cab that can seat eight.
Arnold:
You sure know a lot about that truck. But why would a kid like you need something like that?
Harold:
Duh, Arnold, in case you forgot, I just turned fifteen, which means I can get my learner’s permit, and my folks said when I learn to drive, they’ll buy me my very own truck!
Sid:
Why would you need a truck? We all get around just fine on the bus.
Harold: (getting flustered)
You don’t get it, Sid! With that truck, I’d be king of the road, in the biggest, toughest thing on wheels.
Stinky:
Well, isn’t a bus bigger than a truck?
Sid:
Probably more horsepower too.
Harold: (shouting, holding his head )
Stop it! You’re confusing me!
Arnold:
Actually, Harold, I understand. Sometimes there are places I wish I could go where the bus lines don’t. Even though I probably wouldn’t drive a huge pickup to get there.
Harold:
See, Arnold gets it! And so will all of you, once my dad teaches me how to drive.
----
Smash cut to Harold in his dining room, later that day.
Harold:
Whaddaya mean you can’t drive?
Mr Berman:
I don’t have a driver’s license anymore, Harold. I’ve decided it's better for the environment to get around on the bus, subway, or on foot. City driving is just a nuisance.
Harold: (crestfallen)
Aww...
Mr Berman:
You know, your mother still has a license. Why don’t you teach him, dear?
Mrs Berman: (protectively)
Honey, he’s too young to start driving! He’s only in sixth grade.
Mr Berman:
But he’s fifteen. He may be a little...slow in some regards, but I think we owe it to Harold to let him learn the skills and responsibilities of being a driver if he wants to.
Harold:
Yeah! And when I get my license, you guys can get me a truck!
Harold’s dad cocks an eyebrow and looks at his wife with puzzlement.
Mr Berman:
Did you promise him that?
Mrs Berman: (snippily)
We can discuss that later. (turns to Harold ) Your father and I will talk, but for now I’m not sure you’re ready to get behind the wheel.
Harold groans and slumps in his chair.
----
The next day, Harold waits outside Arnold’s house after school. Cut to around the corner, Arnold and Helga are walking home together. They stop at the corner to part ways.
Helga:
See ya tomorrow, guy. (The two share a brief kiss) Unless you wanna talk later, just beep me.
She walks away as Arnold smiles back in a pleased daze, with a lipstick smudge on his mouth. He dreamily rounds the corner and Harold spots him.
Harold:
Hey, Arnold!...Say, you got some schmutz on your mouth.
Arnold freezes, then wipes off his mouth hastily.
Arnold:
Whoops, I, uh...just finished a popsicle. What are you doing here?
Harold:
I need your help. My dumb parents think I’m too immature to start driving, so they won’t teach me. You got a whole bunch of grown-ups in your life, though - ya think any of them could teach me?
Arnold:
Well, my parents are out of town going truffle hunting with Abner until Sunday, and it’s shark week, so Grandpa’s glued to the couch. (Hesitates) And I guess there’s also...
Arnold is interrupted by the sound of screeching tires. We see Grandpa’s Packard roaring down the street, in a wheelie pose, then screeching into a backslide, coming to a halt where Arnold and Harold stand. The car now has a comically large engine block poking out from the hood and massive exhaust pipes. From the driver’s side, a figure in an old-time motorist’s getup with goggles and a scarf emerges. Upon removing the goggles and scarf, it is revealed to be Arnold’s grandma.
Arnold:
...Grandma, what are you doing with the Packard?
Grandma:
That’s Grandma Andretti to you! And you should know I’m the reigning champion of the Grand Prix circuit.
Arnold rolls his eyes at his grandmother’s latest delusional alter ego. Harold is excited.
Harold:
Hey, Mrs. Arnold’s Grandma, do you think you could teach me how to drive like you?
Arnold is giving a silent “No!” gesture to Harold as he asks this. Grandma pauses and thinks.
Grandma: (sizing up Harold)
Hmm...you got a look in your eye like a young Ayrton Senna. It’s a deal, sonny. Be here at 17:00 sharp tomorrow. When I’m done with you, you’ll be king of the road! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to put my steed in the stable.
As Grandma hops back into the car and pulls it around back, Arnold takes Harold aside.
Harold:
This is great! I’ll be able to get my license in no time if your granny teaches me.
Arnold:
Harold, I know this seems like an easy answer, but as much as I love my Grandma, she can be...unpredictable.
Grandpa, offscreen: (shouting in dismay)
Pookie! What did you do to my Packard this time? I turn my back to watch one shark fishing program and look what happens...
Arnold:
I think we should start with some classwork before you get behind the wheel.
Harold:
Ah, don’t be such a dish towel, Aw-nold! I’m the one who’s getting my permit, so I say I get to learn by driving.
Arnold:
Okay, but then I’m tagging along, just to be on the safe side.
Harold:
Whatever. See you at 17:00 tomorrow!... By the way, when is that? My watch only goes up to 12.
Arnold rolls his eyes in exasperation.
----
The next afternoon, the souped-up Packard is parked in front of the boarding house. Inside, Grandma sits in her motorist getup in the passenger seat, while Arnold sits in the back reading “Beginning Driver’s Manual.” Harold approaches and knocks on the passenger window, which Grandma rolls down.
Grandma:
Ah, right on time! Hop in the driver’s seat.
Harold excitedly runs to the driver’s side but struggles to fit inside, until fumbling around and moving the seat back. He sits far enough back due to his girth that Arnold has to slide to the other side.
Harold:
Alright, let’s get this baby purring!
Grandma: (handing over the keys)
Fire it up!
Arnold: (with concern)
Hold on, you should always buckle your seatbelt before you start.
Harold: (dismissively)
Yes sir, Aw-nold.
He laughs, and Grandma laughs along with him. Arnold is getting impatient.
Arnold:
It’s the law! Take this seriously. You too, Grandma.
Harold begrudgingly buckles his seatbelt. Grandma puts on a full racing harness.
Grandma:
Now, put your foot on the brake and turn the key until you hear it start.
Harold follows along, but upon turning the key, the engine roars up at a high volume.
Arnold:
That’s the gas! The other one is the brake!
Harold:
Oops. I’m really new at this.
Grandma:
Fret not, I believe in you, bambino . Now throw ‘er into drive and set your foot on the gas.
Harold freezes up, looking at the shifter - none of the settings are marked in the old car. Cut to outside the car, and the car shoots backwards as the inhabitants cry out in fright. A moment later, the car rolls calmly back into frame. Harold looks chagrined and Arnold looks exasperated.
Harold:
It was a fifty-fifty chance!
----
A montage begins of Harold encountering different situations where Grandma gives suspect advice while Arnold rushes in to correct her. While at a four way stop, she urges Harold to go ahead, ignoring the right of way, and almost gets into an accident. Approaching a yellow light, she encourages him to gun it, but Arnold intervenes and gets him to slam on the brakes in time. At an intersection, she points him to turn left, but they end up going the wrong way down a one-way street, narrowly avoiding oncoming vehicles and getting yelled at by other drivers. After surviving that mishap, Harold looks thrilled, while Arnold looks frazzled and irritated.
----
Harold has stopped the car at a gas station.
Grandma: (to the attendant, rudely)
Hey grease monkey, top us off with the highest octane juice you got! And read my dipstick!
Attendant: (muttering)
Right away, you old dipstick.
Harold:
Man, Arnold, your grandma is a real hoot! I never knew driving was so exciting!
Arnold: (irritated)
Harold, it’s a miracle we haven’t been pulled over, or in an accident. Grandma, you’re teaching Harold to drive in a really unsafe way. I think we should regroup in a classroom setting before we do any more road tests.
Harold: (groaning)
Aww, that’s bogus! How can I learn to drive from reading a book?
Arnold:
You need to know the rules of the road before you can become the (air quotes ) “king of the road.” Otherwise someone could get really hurt. C’mon, Grandma, let’s go back home. You can drive.
Grandma: (handing a nickel to the attendant)
...Now don’t spend it all in one place. (turning back to Arnold) Alrighty, on the double!
Grandma fires up the engine and roars out of the gas station, leaving the attendant in a cloud of exhaust. She drives like a maniac, bobbing and weaving through traffic, sliding around corners, even driving over a drawbridge as it begins to rise. Harold and Arnold scream in terror while Grandma laughs maniacally. Finally, Grandma pulls into the garage at the boarding house - just as she stops, the engine conks out and spews black smoke. The occupants of the car get out of the garage, coughing.
Grandma:
Blast that gasoline caddy, he didn’t flush the transmission like I told him to. Now where’s my pit crew at? (to Harold) Senna, at ease, we’ll be back in the saddle lickety-split.
Arnold:
Grandma, can I talk to you for a moment?
He pulls Grandma aside.
Grandma:
What is it, chief?
Arnold: (with concern)
I don’t think it’s a good idea to take Harold out in the Packard again, even after it’s fixed. I know you think you’re a good driver, but you actually drive very dangerously. Maybe that works when you’re on a race track, but Harold needs to learn how to drive on the streets. So could you stop being Grandma Andretti for now and just be Grandma? For Harold?
Grandma soberly takes off the racing helmet.
Grandma:
Sorry for getting carried away, Arnold. It’s just not often that someone needs my help. I was really jazzed to teach your friend some of my driving skills.
Arnold:
You have a ton of skills, Grandma! And I think that’s super cool. But can we start with the basics first? Harold is...new to this.
Grandma and Arnold look over at Harold, who is running around in a circle making car noises, pretending to drive.
Grandma:
I’ve got just the solution!
----
Cut to inside Arnold’s room, where Grandma (back in civilian clothes) sets up an old film projector while Harold watches impatiently. Arnold enters, carrying a film canister.
Grandma:
Ah, you found it! Your grandpa and I used this to help teach Miles how to drive, and we were saving it for the day when Arnold learned too.
Harold:
Man, how is a movie going to help? I wanna drive some more!
Arnold:
We can’t until the Packard is fixed. Besides, every driver’s ed class starts in a classroom first. This should be helpful for you, Harold.
She loads up the film reel and we see it play. A title card reading “Jivin’ and Drivin’ with Dino Spumoni - copyright MCMLXXVIII” appears. An old car pulls up and Dino rolls down the driver’s window.
Dino, on film:
Hey all you hep cats, I’m Dino Spumoni. Folks, there’s nothing like the freedom of the open road, feeling the wind in your hair, or cruising the main drag with your best gal. But if you wanna get behind the wheel, listen up, Jack, ‘cause I’ve got some swingin’ safety skills to teach you how to be the coolest driver around.
Grandma looks dreamily at the pop idol on screen; Harold looks disgruntled.
Harold:
This is boring! When is he gonna do a burnout?
Grandma:
Shh!
Dino, on film:
Now for any of you deadbeats out there who think driving safety is for squares, lemme tell you a story about a guy named Mac. (cut to footage of a man driving a car unsafely with the caption “DRAMATIC REENACTMENT”; Dino continues in VO) Mac didn’t pay much mind to the rules. He thought he was king of the road. No seatbelts, no turn signals, no regard for the speed limit...until the day he wound up on the business end of an eighteen-wheeler.
Cut to the three watching as offscreen we hear the sound of screeching tires and shattering glass. Grandma and Arnold cringe while Harold stares petrified at the unseen carnage. Cut back to Dino, standing near the scene of the crash as ambulances converge.
Dino, on film: (sternly)
We never heard from Mac after that...Of course, he would still be here if he had taken some of the tips and tricks of defensive driving to heart. So look sharp, cats, Dino’s about to drop some knowledge.
Arnold:
Did you hear that, Harold?
Harold: (writing intently)
Shh, Arnold, I’m trying to listen!
----
Cut to another montage, showing Arnold and Grandma instructing Harold on driving safety, intercut with clips from Dino’s instructional film. In lieu of a real car, we see Harold practicing in a driving simulator at the arcade, although Grandma keeps attempting to show him how to do wheelies and donuts, much to Arnold’s dismay. Over the montage, Dino sings a song:
♪ When you hit the streets in your jalopy
Here’s some tricks you better copy
Paying attention when you drive
That’s the key to stayin’ alive ♪
----
Fade to a few days later, at the DMV. Arnold, Grandma, and Harold get off the bus outside. Arnold holds some quiz cards for Harold’s last minute studying.
Arnold:
OK, Harold, at a four way stop, if two cars pull up at the same time, who gets right of way?
Harold: (wracking his brain)
Ummm... The right side!
Arnold:
Correct! And if you’re going 60 miles per hour on the freeway, how many car lengths should you keep between you and the next car?
Harold:
Ugh, math... I think it’s six?
Grandma:
It’s as few as possible until you can close the gap and overtake!
Arnold:
Grandma...
Grandma winks and playfully tousles her grandson’s hair. Harold steels himself with a deep breath.
Harold:
Well, here goes nothing. Usually I hate tests but I think I can ace this one!
Arnold:
I was gonna say, I’m surprised at how much you studied, compared to tests for school.
Harold: (making a fist)
What’s that supposed to mean?! (Arnold flinches, Grandma looks disapprovingly; Harold unballs his hand and offers a handshake) I’m just messin’ with ya. I just really want that truck so bad, and I can’t get it if I don’t get a permit.
Arnold: (shaking Harold’s hand)
You found something that motivates you! That’s the first step to learning anything new.
Grandma shakes Harold’s hand as well.
Grandma:
We believe in you, kiddo. Now go take that test and leave it in the dust!
Harold:
Thanks for helping me out, Arnold and Arnold’s grandma!
Harold enters the DMV while Arnold and Grandma look on with pride.
Arnold:
Thanks for taking this seriously, Grandma.
Grandma:
Anything for my grandson and his hefty friend! Now let’s get home and fix up the Packard, I got the need for speed!
Arnold: (with dawning realization)
...Grandma, you haven’t had a license this whole time, have you?
Grandma cackles.
----
Fade to a while later at Harold’s house. We see Harold getting the mail from his own entryway, and he spots a letter for him from the DMV. He excitedly opens it up and sees he has gotten his learner’s permit. Thrilled, he races to the kitchen.
Harold:
Mom! Dad! I got my permit!
Mrs Berman:
Oh, I knew you could do it, sweetie! (gives Harold a huge hug)
Mr Berman:
Great job, son. And because you proved you could do it, we’ve got something special for you, too. Go check under that tarp in the garage.
Harold’s enthusiasm goes through the roof.
Harold:
Wowee! (He runs to the garage) I got my very own X-550... (He pulls a large tarp off a concealed object) ...Stallion?
There is a large, jacked-up pickup truck revealed, but it is old and quite rusty. Harold looks at it with puzzlement as his parents approach behind him.
Mr Berman:
We knew you wanted a truck, but since you’re just starting out, we got you the least expensive truck we could find.
Mrs Berman:
And you can only drive it with me in the passenger seat until you get your license. What do you think?
Harold’s puzzlement gives way to a big smile of gratitude as he hugs his parents.
Harold:
You guys are the best. Now c’mon, mom, lemme show you what I’ve learned!
We zoom out from the Berman household as these four lines are heard offscreen.
Mrs. Berman:
Alrighty, Mr. King of the Road! Hands at ten and two, right?
Harold:
Actually at nine and three, to prevent airbag injuries.
Mrs. Berman:
Huh! Well, you’re the expert. Just make sure your seat belt is on just tight enough. Here, let me adjust it for you.
Harold: (protesting)
Moooommm!
----
We fade to a stop light as the sun sets on the city. Harold in his truck pulls up to a stop.
Mrs. Berman:
Very smooth, Harold! You’re getting to be a natural at this.
They pause as they hear a rumbling engine pull up alongside them. It is a black ‘70s muscle car. The window rolls down and we see Grandma again in her racing getup.
Grandma: (raising her voice out the window)
Howdy, Senna! What say we drag race? Winner gets the pink slips.
Harold turns to his mother, who looks back with stern disapproval.
Harold:
Sorry, Mrs. Arnold’s Grandma, I’m not gonna race you today.
Grandma:
Suit yourself!
The light turns green and Grandma peels away in a burnout. Harold looks to his mother, smiling, and continues down the road at a reasonable pace.