Work Text:
We fade in on Mr. Simmons’ classroom--everyone except Sid is dressed up.
Simmons:
Ah Picture Day, what a wonderful moment in time of all of you together looking your very best. Remember to smile today class, so that you will always remember how happy you were during this special day!
Gerald: ( paging through the fifth-grade yearbook)
Man, I was a good-looking fifth grader.
In Gerald’s fifth grade picture, his afro doesn’t fit in the frame; in the picture directly above Gerald’s, Iggy is peeking out through his afro.
Arnold:
Are you and Iggy gonna pull off that again this year?
Gerald:
Nah, I received a cease and desist letter from his parents.
Arnold:
Man, fifth grade was the craziest year ever wasn’t it?
Gerald:
Mm-hmm, it really was.
Pan over to Helga and Phoebe.
Helga: ( fidgeting with her bow)
Criminy, this bow weighs like ten pounds. I feel like my head is going to fall off!
Phoebe:
Actually Helga, from my calculations I’ve deduced that with the current dimensions in place that is a mathematical impossibility.
Helga: ( looking over Phoebe’s notes )
Phoebe, how did you get my measurements?
Pan over to Eugene and Sid.
Eugene:
Gosh, this is so wonderful guys. Everyone is dressed to the nines.
Sid: (snickering)
Harold looks like he’s dressed to the tens.
Harold:
If that’s some sort of fat joke I don’t understand I’m gonna pound you!
Rhonda:
You’re one to talk, Sid. You wear the same clothes every day. That’s so cheap and lazy.
Sid: ( putting his boots on his desk)
Hey, why mess with perfection?
Arnold looks over at an empty desk bathed in sunlight.
Arnold:
Hey, where’s Lila?
Simmons:
That is very odd, Arnold. I never thought I would have to do this, but I must mark Lila “A” for absent.
Principal Wartz’s voice appears over the intercom.
Wartz:
Attention students, I have just gotten word that there is a lice outbreak at P.S. 118. Therefore, there will be a mandatory lice inspection effective immediately. You will all be checked by the incomparable Angel of Mercy, Nurse Calhoun. She only comes out of retirement for matters such as these and says she can’t wait to meet all of you again.
The entire class groans.
----
Cut to them in line outside the nurse’s office, making the exact same groaning sound.
Phoebe: ( panicked)
This is exactly how The Bubonic Plague started—more or less.
Rhonda:
From now on I’m going to wash my hair four times a day instead of the usual two. Nadine, are you sure you don’t have lice?
Nadine:
Of course not, they were all eaten by the bigger bugs crawling through my hair. ( Nadine laughs while Rhonda retches)
Harold:
I hear that when Nurse Calhoun finds lice on you, she dips in chocolate and eats them!
Stinky:
I heard that she could find lice in your very soul.
Cut to the nurse’s office, Nurse Calhoun is looking through Sid’s nearly hairless scalp with a jeweler’s loupe.
Sid:
Give it to me straight, doc. I’m clean right?
Nurse Calhoun:
I’m sorry Sid, even after 50 years of saying this it doesn’t get any easier: you have nits.
Sid: ( off- screen)
Nooooooooooooo!
Gerald:
Uh-oh, they got Sid.
Arnold:
He was so young.
Helga:
Ok, who bet Sid?
Helga pulls out a sheet of paper from her pocket and a pencil from her ear. She was taking bets on which kid would end up with lice. Lots of kids say “Me!” “Me!”
Back in the office, Nurse Calhoun tapes one of Sid’s lice on a Post-It note marked “SID” and places it on her table. We don’t see the name on the other sample, but it contains a long strand of red hair.
Sid:
So, this is it. This is how it ends. The rest of my life an outcast. A freak. All alone.
Lila: (offscreen)
Hey Sid.
Pan over to Lila, seated on one of the nurse's beds, itching her head profusely.
Sid:
Lila? You have lice?
Lila:
Ever so much. I’m patient zero, I guess. That nurse saw me scratching my head on my way to school, pulled over, and inspected me right on the spot. Why are you here?
Sid:
Uh, I got my lice from the stuffed moose at the Natural History Museum.
Lila:
I’m relieved you’re not in this mess because of me.
Sid: (laughs)
Why, that would be impossible… seeing as we’ve never interacted before! I don’t even understand how you’d get lice: you’re the prettiest, err, cleanest person I know.
Nurse Calhoun:
Lice love clean hair Sid--easier for them to cannonball in and swim around.
Lila:
Perhaps it’s due to our…less than fortunate living situations.
Nurse Calhoun:
Lice don’t discriminate based on class, honey. Perhaps they chose both of you for a reason.
Sid:
Geez, this lice lady sure knows a lot about lice. Do the nits ever hatch inside your head and eat your brains?
Nurse Calhoun:
That...now that’s very rare.
Mr. Simmons steps into the nurse’s office .
Nurse Calhoun:
Excuse me sir, this is a contaminated area.
Simmons:
It’s OK ( pointing to his head) I’m bald. Listen kids, I’m sorry to say that you will both have to skip Picture Day--but I can make it up to you! My… partner dabbles in photography; if you two can get this lice situation under control he’ll agree to take both of your pictures no questions asked.
Lila:
Don’t worry, Mr. Simmons, when Sid and I put our heads together we can accomplish anything!
Mr. Simmons:
That’s perfect! J-Just make sure it’s just you two putting their heads together and not anyone else. Because of the lice.
Nurse Calhoun:
If the children are interested, I have created my own shampoo that has been clinically proven to eradicate lice.
Sid: ( whispering to Lila)
No! It’s probably acid that will melt our skeletons to the bone!
Lila:
Thank you for your consideration, Nurse Calhoun, but I believe this is something Sid and I want to figure out on our own.
Nurse Calhoun:
Ah yes, the thrill of the hunt. Good luck you two… the clocking is ticking. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Sid:
Wait, we have ticks now too? Unbelievable.
We close-up on the Post-It notes of Sid and Lila’s lice, then fade into the two of them both wearing head caps and standing in front of Sid’s apartment door.
Sid:
This must be my place. ( chuckles nervously as he reaches for the doorknob )
Lila:
Your family doesn’t lock the door?
Sid: (struggling to open the door)
The knob’s busted, so it won’t lock. Luckily, since my Dad and I are the only ones who can open this door, we have the best security system in the neighborhood…there, got it.
We enter Sid’s apartment in a comfortable state of disarray: dishes piled up in the sink, green plastic tub as a living room table, bikini posters being the only décor. The place has looked like this far too long to be called a “bachelor pad.”
Lila:
I love what you’ve done with the place.
Sid: (shrugs)
I didn’t do nothing.
Taped to the refrigerator are all of Sid’s previous Picture Day photographs: he has the same blank expression on each one .
Lila:
How come you aren’t smiling in any of these pictures Sid?
Sid: ( wearing the same blank expression as the photos)
Uh, I don’t know. What’s the big deal about getting your picture taken anyway?
Lila:
Oh, it means ever so much to me. Every single year I want to improve as a person; looking at those little Lilas shows just how far I’ve come.
Sid:
Well, of course you like looking at photos of yourself…you’re cute.
Lila:
That’s sweet of you to say Sid, but everyone should feel good about looking at themselves. Anyway, I suppose we should get started.
Sid nods and we segue into a cleaning montage. Sid and Lila alternate reading instructions for ridding a home of lice in voice-over while the action matches what they say. The montage should show them having fun doing these chores. “Wash any used or worn items in hot water and dry them on high heat.” “If you can’t toss the items into a washer or dryer, seal them in a plastic bag.” “Vacuum rugs, sofas, and furniture.” When they are finished, Sid’s house looks better than ever.
Sid:
There, all clean!
Sid’s Dad unlocks the door much faster than his son did and enters the house.
Sid’s Dad:
I got rotisserie chicken… and lice shampoo! The premium shampoos were out of my price range, but I was able to find this one on clearance.
Sid:
Thanks Dad… ( Sid reads the bottle ) "Expiration Date—the Carter Administration."
Sid’s Dad:
I’d test that shampoo on a piece of chicken first before putting it on your skin, son. I love what you’ve done with the place.
Sid: (shrugs)
I didn’t do nothing. It was all Lila.
Sid’s Dad:
Nice work whipping little Sydney into shape, Red. Usually the only way to get that kid to do any chores around here is to fake a germ epidemic or nuclear war.
Lila:
Thank you very much, Sir. That was very thoughtful of you to drive to the store even though you work nights.
Sid’s Dad:
Anything for my future daughter-in-law, hehe. I may work nights but being a Dad is a full-time job. Anyway, I’m off to bed.
Lila:
Uh, I should get going too, Sid. Let’s meet up at my house tomorrow and clean up there too. Oh, and you boys have GOT to own more than one towel.
Lila exits the front door. We cut back to Sid and his Dad, suddenly their entire house is messy again.
Sid’s Dad:
Now how in the heck did that happen?
----
Later that night, Sid is in the bathtub while in a three-person phone call with Harold and Stinky.
Harold:
Let me get this straight: Lila went to YOUR house. And tomorrow you’re going to HER house?
Sid:
Yep. We’re partners in grime. My lice is her lice.
Stinky:
Willikers. If I were you, I’d done rig it up so that you and Miss Lila have lice for as long as possible. Once those fellers are gone, she won’t want to hang out with you anymore.
Sid:
No Stinky, having lice is not fun. We’re trying to better our life situation here.
Arnold: ( revealed to also be on the call)
Very good Sid, I was just about to say that. Though…Is it necessary for me to be on this call? I’m kind of busy.
Harold:
Yes, Ar-nold. Our parents say the three of us can’t be together without you, otherwise we’ll do something stupid.
Arnold: ( sighs)
Fine.
We zoom out on Arnold to reveal that Helga has started a sports betting operation inside his room.
----
The next day, Sid waits outside Lila’s apartment until she lets him in. On the outside, Lila’s apartment is even more ragged than Sid’s, but on the inside, there is more of an honest effort to make the best of a bad situation. Lila locks the four locks on her front door.
Sid:
Wow Lila, this place is a dump. But like, a peaceful, relaxing dump. I like those hanging flower pots.
Lila:
Thanks Sid! Interior design is one of my many pursuits. It was one of my Mom’s too… Hey, you smell pretty good! Have you started wearing deodorant?
Sid: (Sniffing himself)
Lemon-scented bath bombs. I had my Dad pick them up. I thought I’d spice up the ol’ bathwater a little. And look! ( Sid holds up a new towel )
Lila:
A towel! You can never have too many towels!
Lila hands Sid a sheet of paper.
Lila:
I have a very intense cleaning regime for today Sid, and every day in perpetuity until we can beat these lice. There’s thousands of them and only two of us, but together we make an unstoppable team.
We cut to a much more manic cleaning montage than before—if the previous one was month one of quarantine than this is month twelve. Quick cuts of the children continuously washing their hair, cleaning their rooms, pulling down pages of the calendar, scratching their scalps. No improvements have been made and the children start to panic. Lila’s desire for self-improvement has rubbed off on Sid, but unfortunately Sid’s paranoia has rubbed off on Lila.
Lila:
I don’t understand it. It’s been a week. We’ve followed all the instructions. We’ve followed all the rules! And yet the lice remain? Why? WHY?
Sid:
Oh man, oh man. This is so bad. What are we gonna do Lila?
Lila:
Well, there’s one thing we could do. We could shave our heads.
Sid:
Whoa, are you sure?
Lila:
Ever so sure. It’s the only way.
----
Sid nervously begins to shave Lila’s head in a makeshift barbershop in Lila’s kitchen. As her red hair falls to the ground, she begins to laugh maniacally, with Sid following suit. We pan out to their laughing shadows then cut to Sid and Lila sitting on the floor, being bald.
Sid:
How do you feel?
Lila:
Pretty itchy, actually.
Sid:
Me too, as itchy as I’ve ever been, to be honest.
Lila begins to cry.
Lila:
Oh, this is ever so hopeless! We’ve tried everything, cleaned every inch of our apartments, we’re bald, and the lice still won’t leave!
Sid:
C’mon Lila, don’t give up. You’ve taught me to be proud of myself no matter what I look like. Without you, I’d just be some schmuck in a hat.
Sid and Lila stare at each other, dumbfounded. Sid’s Hat. They never washed Sid’s Hat.
Sid: (takes off hat and looks at it)
Oh, I’m stupid.
POV of a trash can. Sid and Lila open the lid and toss Sid’s hat inside. The screen goes black and we hear a knocking sound. Nurse Calhoun opens her door to find two bald children on her front stoop.
Sid and Lila:
We want the shampoo.
Nurse Calhoun: ( laughing )
That’s the one thing I’ve learned from five decades of lice-checking: they always come crawling back.
----
Cut to a week in the future. Sid and Lila are lice-free. They arrive with their Dads at the empty school gymnasium on a Saturday afternoon. Sid is carrying a box and wearing a suit, it’s a little cheap but it looks good on him.
Simmons:
Glad you all could make it to our impromptu Class Picture Day!
Simmons’ Partner: ( sighs)
The things I do for that man.
Lila:
Hey Sid, looking sharp.
Sid:
Thanks Lila. I got this for you.
Lila:
It’s a hat!
Sid:
My Dad got it for me to replace my old one, but I figured you can wear it until your hair grows back.
Lila puts the hat on.
Lila:
I like it! It matches my dress.
Sid:
Hey, I didn’t even realize that.
Lila:
I’ll wash it every day.
Simmons forces his partner to conduct himself as if it were actually Picture Day. He unenthusiastically calls Lila forward and takes her picture. He then calls Sid’s name and takes his picture. There’s a bright flash that takes over the screen and the final shot is the Sixth Grade class’ yearbook page, with Lila smiling in Sid’s cap and a bald Sid smiling wide.