Work Text:
We open on a picturesque sunset and pan down to Gerald and Phoebe holding hands, dressed for a romantic night on the town.
Phoebe:
I love this part of the city. So much heart went into every building.
Gerald:
Yeah, even the street lamps have a little extra something...
Phoebe:
I think this is the beginning of a great night!
Gerald:
I agree…except for the Helga part.
Phoebe stops walking.
Phoebe:
What’s wrong with the Helga part?
Gerald:
Oh nothing…no, actually...everything. I’m just being honest here, but I hate how we’re constantly being used to camouflage Helga and Arnold with all these double dates. Ice skating, petting zoo, competitive vase making--it’s like they need us as an excuse to be in public together.
Phoebe:
It’s fine. They just need a little more time before they‘re ready to share their relationship with the world.
Gerald:
I don’t see why we’re being punished for being as public as the river.
Phoebe:
Is there more to it than that?
Gerald: (looking over the bridge at the river)
Nah.
The two encounter a cherry tree on their walk and Phoebe goes in for a closer look.
Phoebe:
Look Gerald, a cherry tree!
Gerald:
Wow, in this part of the city?
Phoebe:
I’ve read that soldiers on their way to Gettysburg would stop along the road to pick and eat ripe cherries, so that in battle they’d have the sweet taste of cherries on their teeth.
Gerald: (scratching his chin)
Hmmm…battle, eh?
----
Phoebe and Gerald greet Arnold and Helga, who are leaning against a brick wall and pretending to be indifferent to one another. They’re waiting outside the upscale coffee shop Stanza.
Arnold:
Hey guys!
Phoebe and Gerald smile at them. Gerald’s teeth are stained red with cherries.
Helga:
Criminy Phoebs, did you two take a tour of the whole city?
Phoeb e:
Something like that.
Arnold:
I saved us a spot in line…the end of the line.
The four kids stand in line with a bunch of hipster, beatnik adults.
Phoebe:
I must say Helga, this is one top-shelf coffee shop. Stanza is the only place to get six stars out of five in my restaurant guidebook. It was a typo, but still.
Helga:
Yeah, I’m surprised they’re letting Olga work at such a high-cultured place. Welcome to the lap of luxury, kiddos.
Gerald:
It’s alright, I guess. My Dad says the coffee here is pretty weak.
Helga gives Gerald the side-eye. Arnold senses trouble brewing between his friends and tries to break the tension.
Arnold:
Looks like tonight is Open Mic Night. Anyone want to enter? Helga? Gerald?
Gerald:
I’m not feeling it.
Olga: (off-screen)
Baby sister!
Helga:
I’m definitely not feeling it.
Olga nervously roller skates to the kids carrying a tray containing several coffee cups.
Olga:
What are you cherubs waiting out here for? I have reserved your table with a hand-folded origami swan.
Phoebe:
Aerodynamic roller skates Olga! I didn’t know the store had a 50’s theme.
Olga:
Oh the skates aren’t necessary, but I think they show off my artistic individuality, no?
Helga:
No.
Olga:
Follow me everyone!
Olga shakily leads the children to the front of the line, which agitates the people who’ve been waiting for hours.
Vance Wheatgrass:
No fair, I have reservations.
Olga pulls out a table with her free hand.
Olga:
I’m afraid I’ve checked the list many times and I still don’t see your name, Vance Wheatgrass.
Vance Wheatgrass:
No, I mean I have reservations about all this privilege being granted to a younger generation, man.
As the four kids arrive at their table we zoom in on a cool poet girl performing on the tiny stage.
Poet:
A girl falls from the too hot sky— voilà— her orange parachute goes up.
As for acorns, dew, and the power of love— haha —what comes down also goes up.
A poorly folded origami swan rests at the reserved table and Helga flicks it aside.
Helga:
A round of root beers for me and the whole gang, Olga.
Olga:
Oh, I’m sorry baby sister, we only serve strong black coffee here.
Helga:
Huh?
Olga:
Uh-huh. This coffee shop is more about being in the shop than the actual coffee, that’s why the line is so long to get in.
Arnold:
Could we at least get some glasses of water?
Olga:
Nope! We only serve strong black coffee here, Helga’s friend’s friend’s friend. Enjoy the atmosphere!
Olga leaves the group to stew in their bad vibes at the table.
Gerald: (spitefully)
Nice pick, Helga.
Helga:
Cram it, tall-hair boy.
Gerald:
I got a dentist appointment next week; we could all sit in the lobby together.
Helga:
I don’t see you pitching any double date ideas.
Gerald:
'Cause I don’t like the idea of double dates! Phoebe and I aren’t your training wheels!
Helga:
Training wheels. That’s ironic coming from you. (sighs) I’m going to sign up for that Open Mic thing, Arnold, I need to express myself tonight.
Gerald:
Me too.
Arnold:
Uh, good luck guys!.
As Gerald and Helga leave, Phoebe leans over to whisper to Arnold.
Phoebe:
I’m beginning to detect some animosity between our significant others, Arnold.
Arnold:
Yeah, I feel it too. I don’t understand what their problem is.
Phoebe:
On the surface level, Gerald feels that all of these double dates are just an excuse for you and Helga to be together in public. But also…
Arnold:
There’s an also?
Phoebe:
I also feel like Gerald is jealous of all the time you’ve been spending with Helga lately.
Arnold:
Gerald…our Gerald, the King of Cool, the Teller of Tales…is jealous of Helga?
Phoebe:
Precisely. And I don’t know what to do about that.
Arnold:
...Me neither.
Torvald gets on stage to deliver the next poem.
Torvald:
We leaned toward each other like the last yellow chrysanthemums in the garden…
then I got punched in the gut! Punched in the kidneys! Punched in the spleen!
Helga and Gerald both try to sign up their names on the same line and end up writing over each other in a giant squiggle. They both return to their seats for more awkward silence until, simultaneously—
Gerald (to Arnold) and Helga (to Phoebe) :
C’mon Arnold/Phoebe, let’s use the restroom.
Arnold and Phoebe:
But I don’t really…
Gerald and Helga:
Let’s go!
----
We begin in the boy’s bathroom. Gerald has his hands underneath the hand dryer and keeps pushing the button whenever it stops blowing.
Gerald:
Check it out--I’m like Avatar from Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Arnold:
What’s all this about?
Gerald:
Well, long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony--but everything changed when the fire nation attacked!
Arnold :
No, I mean you and Helga.
Gerald:
Man, ever since you two have started dating you’ve been on her like a second eyebrow. When’s the last time just the two of us have hung out?
Arnold thinks; we flashback to previously unseen adventures, beginning with Gerald, Arnold, and Stinky standing before an enormous ball of twine while the two local toughs from “Downtown as Fruits” are being arrested.
Arnold (V.O.):
What about the time we found Stinky’s stolen ball of twine?
Gerald:
Helga was there too!
Helga pokes her head out from behind the twine ball.
Cut to Arnold and Gerald in a hot air balloon.
Arnold (V.O.):
Ok. Well, what about the time we got stuck in a hot air balloon?
Gerald:
Helga was there too!
Helga sticks her head up from the balloon basket. Cut to a scene of Phoebe and Gerald holding hands in Gerald’s room.
Arnold (V.O.):
I never hear Helga complain about all the time you spend with Phoebe.
Gerald:
That’s because Helga is always there too!
Pan over to Helga chewing gum and reading a magazine. Cut back to the bathroom.
Arnold:
I’m sorry you feel that way Gerald--but Helga’s my girlfriend, so naturally she’s going to be in my life a lot.
Gerald sighs and sticks his thumb out.
Gerald:
When’s the last time we’ve even done our handshake?
Arnold:
You’re right, it has been a while.
Arnold reciprocates the handshake, then Gerald silently washes his hands and touches the hand dryer button to dry them.
We cut over to the girl’s bathroom. A toilet flushes and Helga exits the stall. Phoebe sits on the edge of one of the sinks.
Helga:
Phoebe, you’ve got to check out some of the limericks written in here! (chef’s kiss)
Phoebe:
Uh, maybe later Helga. Right now I’m grappling with the fact that my two closest friends are at odds with one another.
Helga:
Me and who else?
Phoebe:
Gerald.
Helga:
Criminy, that boy’s turtleneck is too tight. I know that I’m a larger than life personality who plays by her own set of rules but what could he possibly have against me?
Phoebe:
Well...remember how jealous you were at how much time Arnold spent with Lila?
Flashback to all the times Helga condescendingly said Li-la.
Helga:
Rings a faint bell.
Phoebe: (bracing for impact)
Well, Gerald thinks you’re spending too much time with Arnold.
Helga has a puzzled look on her face but then gets mad. Back in the boy’s bathroom, Arnold the diplomat has successfully calmed Gerald down.
Arnold:
So you see, Gerald, Helga’s home life is a lot less ideal than yours, mine, or Phoebe’s, that’s why she’s at my place so much. But you're my friend too and I want to make it up to you. Let’s go fishing next Saturday, alright?
Gerald:
Ok, I feel you. Thanks for spelling it out for me, man.
Arnold:
Deep down she’s a sweet person. Helga isn’t trying to barge in on anything.
Helga barges into the boy’s bathroom, Phoebe is at her side covering her eyes.
Helga:
Alright Geraldo, if you’ve had feelings for Arnold this whole time and not done anything about it, that’s your own darn fault, bucko!
Gerald:
Unlike you, I’ve always been there for Arnold. I’m the one who picked him up every time you put him down.
Phoebe:
Perhaps we should discuss this in a place less...forbidden than the boy’s restroom.
The bathroom door creaks open.
Arnold:
Quick! In here!
The children go hide in the nearest stall. Four pairs of feet balance on the toilet seat.
Gerald:
I don’t know what Arnold and I are hiding for.
Helga:
Shh…
The children hear something that unmistakably sounds like peeing, but we reveal a male barista pouring coffee down the sink while his friend reassures him.
Barista 1:
*Sigh*...my coffee is terrible.
Barista 2:
It’s ok Kenneth--this was your first time running the espresso machine. You’ll get better.
The two friends leave arm-in-arm, leaving the four kids standing in awkward silence yet again.
Gerald: (imitating Helga)
Welcome to the lap of luxury, kiddos.
Helga:
That does it.
Helga begins pushing Gerald while everyone is still trying to balance on the toilet seat. Arnold attempts to break it up. While the roughhousing is happening, Phoebe’s eye catches some graffiti on her side of the wall.
Phoebe:
Hold it!
We briefly cut to outside the boy’s lavatory; Phoebe yelled “hold it!” loud enough for some patrons to hear.
Phoebe:
If it’s alright with everyone, I’d like to read some prose that someone wrote on this stall. I found it relevant to the situation at hand.
Helga:
Uh, sure Phoebe.
Phoebe: *ahem*
When I’m at my darkest hour
When it seems I can’t get any lower
Friendship gives me the power
...then the poem abruptly ends because it gets cut off by the toilet paper dispenser.
Gerald:
Mmm mmm mmm, what a crappy poem.
Helga:
I’ll say. I’ve seen better rhyming schemes on a bottle of aspirin.
Gerald and Helga share a brief moment of being on the same page.
Arnold:
Should we get off this seat and return to our seats?
Everyone nods. The kids return to their table only to find it occupied by four hipsters on laptops.
Vance Wheatgrass:
Leo, check out this use of semi-colon.
Hipster 2:
Mozartesque, dude!
Phoebe:
What happened to our reservation?
A squeaky-voiced teen wearing a nametag that says MANAGER approaches the kids.
Manager:
Oh, you kids are still here. I thought you left.
Helga:
Where’s Olga?
The manager gestures to the stage, where Olga is performing.
Olga: This poem is called “Puerto Rico”
Puerto Rico has lots of people.
Puerto Rico has lots of trees.
Puerto Rico has lots of seas.
Manager:
Well, at least she’s cute. Anyway, you kids cost me business. You’re gonna have to wash some dishes to make up for it.
Gerald:
But we didn’t dine! We didn’t dash!
Phoebe:
We never ordered anything and we never left the store, sir.
Manager: (shaking his head)
Atmosphere is everything here at Stanza and you kids’ constant whining is bringing the whole vibe down. Many fans… of this café are complaining about all this preteen drama.
Arnold:
Fine, we’ll wash dishes, but can you at least let my friends perform? They’re on the sign-up sheet, it’s the law.
Manager:
Of course, a love of art is why I started this business with my parents’ money in the first place.
Helga and Gerald wait along the side of the stage for their turn to perform while Arnold and Phoebe lean against the brick wall in the back.
Gerald:
Hey.
Helga:
Hey.
Gerald:
I was being a jerk back there, both at the table and while balancing on a toilet.
Helga:
You were right about a lot of things, Gerald. We’re both pretty lucky to have those two as friends. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.
Gerald:
Me neither. We cool?
Gerald extends his thumb out to Helga and they do a secret handshake of their own. We briefly cut over to Arnold and Phoebe.
Arnold:
Nice save back there with the bad poem.
Phoebe: (holding up a Sharpie)
Thanks. I figured they just needed something to agree on.
Cut back to Olga on stage.
Olga:
Thank you everyone. Our next performer is…
Helga runs on stage and whispers in Olga’s ear.
Helga:
[inaudible whispers]
Olga: Our next performer is a duo! Put your hands together for Inaudible Whispers!
Cool Jazz music and lighting appears out of nowhere.
Helga:
The DJ at KLUV opened the line for call-ins
Put on an old one by Leonard Cohen
Gerald:
Everyone was at home--snow falling at an angle.
Roads and hearts were icy and unnavigable.
Helga:
Everyone was baking bread or cracking pecans.
Or, better yet, sitting on the couch and holding hands.
Gerald:
The DJ sat up straight. Put on some Aretha.
And danced by himself as if the winter would last forever.
The audience applauds.
----
Cut to the four kids washing identical coffee mugs in the café kitchen. Olga brings in more mugs for them to clean.
Olga:
Baby sister! I had no idea you were such a fantastic… dishwasher!
Helga:
Yeah yeah, plop those bad boys in, Olga.
Olga drops the mugs in, getting suds all over Helga.
Arnold:
It seems like every time the four of us go out to eat we end up having to do dishes in the back.
Phoebe:
Pass the steel wool.
Gerald:
I gotta say, Helga, we made a great team out there.
Phoebe:
That’s hardly a coincidence, you two are the most romantic people I know.
Helga:
Gerald, would you like to, maybe, workshop poetry sometime?
Gerald:
Yeah! Would next Saturday work?
Arnold:
I thought we were going fishing next Saturday.
Gerald:
Yeah yeah Arnold, maybe some other time. So anyway Helga, I have a few couplets that I’d really like your opinion on.
We zoom out of Stanza with Gerald continuing to brainstorm ideas for his upcoming session with Helga.