Work Text:
We fade in on the auditorium of P.S. 118, amidst a packed assembly of happily chattering children. A banner over the stage reads “CONGRATS PRESIDENT LILA”. Cut to Arnold, Gerald, and Phoebe sitting in a row in the audience.
Arnold:
I’m still surprised you decided not to run for class president again this year, Gerald. You would have been a shoo-in!
Gerald:
Well, I thought so too, but I decided to retire from politics to focus on what’s important. (He puts his arm around Phoebe; she giggles) And besides, I think we’re still in good hands.
Phoebe:
It’s true, Lila won the class vote almost unanimously, with the highest voter turnout of any election in P.S. 118 history. And as she's the first ever female class president, I feel obliged to say... (standing up and raising her voice, raising a fist of triumph) You go girl!
Principal Wartz taps the microphone at the lectern.
Wartz:
Attention students, please give a round of applause to your new class president, Lila Sawyer!
The children erupt into rapturous applause and cheering as a smiling Lila strides onto stage. Cut to Curly, in the back row of the auditorium, booing.
Curly:
Booo! We don’t need your establishment politics! This was rigged! Recount!
Sid:
Maybe you would have won if your campaign slogan wasn’t “Curly for President: Or Else!”
Curly: (shaking his head)
Everybody’s a pundit.
Lila takes Wartz’s place at the lectern, as the crowd noise dies off.
Lila:
Oh, my fellow students of this noble school, thank you ever so much for your vote! I am ever so ready to lead P.S. 118 into a new era of learning, growth, and fun for all! (There is some applause as she loads up a video from a laptop that projects on the screen behind her.) I would like to begin my term by outlining a new program I have developed with the help of Principal Wartz, which I believe you will all find ever so appealing.
The video begins; in it, we see, in sequence: Stinky cutting in line at the cafeteria, Harold beaning Sid in the head with a dodgeball, and Helga playing on her phone in class. Each one is caught by a teacher or principal and sent to detention.
Mr. Simmons, in voiceover:
Misbehavior: it is a problem in every school. But what if the real problem was how we dealt with it?
We see Stinky, Harold, and Helga sitting in detention .
Stinky:
Detention really bites.
Harold: (clearly reading lines from offscreen)
This is a real bum deal, I tell you what. I am more likely to re-cid-ivate than ever.
Helga:
If only someone would coach us on how to be better people!
Mr. Simmons, in v.o:
Well, now dig this, kids! Introducing the peer mentor program! ( The video cuts to a glowing outline of a person standing triumphantly ) All students caught in minor violations of school code will get counseling from a fellow student who will work with them in adjusting their behavior without punishment.
The video cuts back to the three students, now smiling at the camera.
All, in unison:
Wow! Thanks, peer mentor!
The video ends and Lila resumes addressing the class.
Lila:
It’s been tested at other schools and it works. Now, for the pilot of this program, I am announcing our first peer mentor, a student of utmost diplomacy, empathy, and wisdom beyond his years: Arnold!
Cut to Arnold in the crowd, briefly shocked, then easing into a smile as applause sets in.
Gerald:
Mm-mm! It had to be you, Arnold. This job is what you *do*!
Phoebe:
Our cohort is in good hands under your tutelage.
Helga approaches Arnold from the other side, rolling her eyes dismissively.
Helga: (projecting to others around)
Tch, yeah, everyone’s gonna stay in line at the risk of being bored to death by Professor Shortstack over here! (whispers to Arnold) Proud of you. (She flees so as to not cause suspicion about the couple)
Principal Wartz approaches Arnold and extends a handshake.
Wartz:
Welcome aboard the mentor program, young man. It’s a great honor to be chosen for this position.
Arnold: (somewhat meekly)
Yeah, I suppose it is. Being a peer mentor sounds like a big responsibility, but how hard can it be?
----
The next morning, Arnold is setting up his mentoring office; it is clearly a utility closet where supplies and chairs have been pushed out of the way to make room for a desk. Arnold is hanging up a motivational poster that says “Honesty,” when Lila knocks on the door. Behind her, a sullen fourth-grade boy with brown hair crosses his arms and stares at the ground.
Arnold:
Morning, Lila. How do you like my office?
Lila:
I ever so appreciate you making do with our...limited space. We have our first student for you to mentor: this is Mason Freeman, from the fourth grade. ( She gently pushes Mason forward.)
Arnold: (extending a handshake)
Hi, Mason. I’m Arnold. Pleased to meet you.
Mason shifts from sullen to an expression of intrigue as he returns the handshake.
Lila:
I’ll leave you two to your devices!
She leaves, shutting the door behind her. Mason takes a seat.
Arnold:
So, what brings you in here today? Were you told about the free taffy? (pauses for laughter) ...We’re still working on getting the taffy.
Mason:
Eh, Wartz caught me trying to pinch an extra carton of chocolate milk at lunch.
Arnold:
Well, you do understand why we can’t just steal things we want, right? Imagine if everyone just took as much as they wanted. We’d be out of milk in no time, and some kids wouldn’t get any... (speech tunes out)
As Arnold gives his reasoning, we see a POV from Mason where a single beam of sunshine poking through the tiny closet window illuminates Arnold, giving him a saintly glow.
Arnold: (speech tunes back in)
...but I’m rambling now. Do you get where I’m coming from, Mason?
Mason:
Yeah, yeah...say, you’re not *the* Arnold that all the stories are about, are you?
Arnold: (thrown slightly)
Well, I think I’m the only Arnold at this school - wait, what stories?
Mason: (beginning to speak in reverence)
Yes! You’re the guy everyone talks about! Arnold, Bringer of Peace, Keeper of Wisdom, and Bestower of Mercy! A kid so diplomatic, he could get a snowman to be friends with a volcano!
Arnold: (blushing)
Eh, it’s really nothing. I just want to do the right thing.
Mason: (gesticulating with gusto)
Ah! So modest, he is. Sir, your gracious words have made me see the error of my ways. I am forever in your debt.
Mason kneels like a knight before a king. Arnold looks around awkwardly.
Arnold:
...Uh, okay. So, are we square? It’s been nice to meet you, but I don’t want to see you here again, alright? Save some milk for the other kids.
Mason:
Yes, my liege. By your mercy and infinite wisdom, I shall be a good boy!
He exits the office, walking backwards, still bowing his head.
Arnold: (to himself)
I’m not sure I got through to him.
----
Cut to Mason addressing his fellow fourth graders on the playground, waxing rhapsodic about meeting Arnold in person.
Mason:
All the stories we have heard are true! There walks a savior amongst the rank and file of PS 118, and he is our peer mentor!
Fourth Grade Girl:
Is his head really as football-shaped as they say?
Other Fourth Grade Girl: (dreamily)
I bet he smells of fresh coconuts...
Fourth Grade Boy:
Wait, if we get in trouble, we just have to talk to Arnold now?
Mason:
Yes, ‘tis true! No longer shall we fear the principal! We answer to a higher power now: Arnold, the Benevolent!
We fade to a montage of fourth grade kids misbehaving on purpose, and each one gets sent to talk to Arnold. With each passing student, Arnold grows more and more suspicious, while each student drinks in his wisdom with eyes wide; one girl attempts to sniff his hair, to which he recoils. This is intercut with Mason standing in the halls, raving like a street corner preacher, gesturing to a poster with Arnold’s face on it.
----
Later that week, Gerald meets Arnold outside the boarding house to wait for the bus.
Gerald:
So, how’s the mentoring business going, Coach Arnold? Wait, is mentoring like coaching? I’m not clear what it is you do.
Arnold:
Mostly I just give advice to kids in trouble. It feels like I've been getting an awful lot of them lately, though. They're practically lining up to hear me talk.
Gerald:
Well, who wouldn’t want to? You’re a bold kid, Arnold. Every kid should want to be like you!
The two board the bus as it arrives. They see that the whole bus is full of younger kids all dressed identically to Arnold: blue sweaters, red flannel underneath, and on every head a tiny baseball cap with yellow tufts sticking out. They turn to the front of the bus.
All:
Hey, Arnold!
Gerald: (disturbed)
On second thought, today’s a great day for a bike ride.
Gerald slowly backs off of the bus. Arnold cautiously takes a seat among the grinning lookalikes.
Mason, offscreen:
Arnold!
Whip pan to show Mason sitting by the window, grinning and saving Arnold a seat.
Arnold:
Oh, hi Mason. I, uh, like your outfit... (looks around at all the doppelgangers) I mean, outfits.
Mason:
We certainly hope so! You see, I was so inspired by the truth you spoke that I had to spread the good word to everyone in the fourth grade. We all decided to fashion ourselves in your image, to honor your greatness!
He holds up his arms around his head in an oval shape; the other acolytes copy the gesture.
Arnold: (starting to become unnerved)
That’s...great. Just remember what I told you the other day. (looks at another fourth grader) And you as well...actually, haven’t I seen all of you in my office?
The bus pulls up across from the school. The children all exit in single file behind Arnold. He addresses them collectively.
Arnold:
Look, I appreciate the compliments, but it’s more important that you do as I say as a mentor, more so than what I do. (They all nod in unison) Now, go along and remember my advice, OK?
The disciples nod again, make the oval head gesture, and disperse. Gerald pulls up on his bike with Phoebe holding on behind him.
Phoebe:
You seem to have developed a cult of personality, Arnold. Imitation is, after all, the highest form of flattery.
Gerald:
Those kids give me the heebie-jeebies! No offense, Arnold, but this whole thing is a little bit wacky-land.
Gerald makes the “cuckoo” hand gesture by his head. We see Mason noticing Gerald - his eyes narrow and his face grows vengeful.
Arnold:
Well I don’t mind, so long as crime is going down.
Smash cut to Sid handing out the Weekly Word school newspaper, with the headline “Crime!”
Sid:
Extra, extra! Crime going way up! Grand theft pudding at an all time high!
Gerald: (reading the paper and regarding Arnold dubiously)
Mm-hmm.
Arnold groans in frustration; Lila approaches the two of them.
Lila:
Hey Arnold, Principal Wartz wanted me to bring this crime wave to your attention. Ever since we implemented the peer mentor program with you, it has had the opposite of the desired effect, as conduct violations have nearly tripled in the last week.
Arnold:
It’s okay! You can still count on me, I can just change my approach!
Lila: (frowning)
Very well, just know that if this continues, we’re going to have to remove you from the program.
She walks away, past some eavesdropping fourth grade Arnold acolytes, who eye her with malice. Gerald and Arnold stand looking concerned as Helga sidles up.
Helga:
Hey Arn, did you get a load of your little fan club? Every kid in the fourth grade looks like you, if you shrank in the wash. It's like fashion week all over again.
Arnold:
I don’t understand. I’ve been nothing but supportive and kind, and obviously these kids respect me, but if so, why is crime up?
Helga:
Isn’t it obvious? It’s *because* you’re being such a softie on them that they’re not falling in line. If I were you, I’d strike the fear of Ol’ Betsy into the hearts of every pipsqueak who so much as thought about stealing pudding!
Arnold: (wearily)
You know that’s not my style, Helga. Violence just begets violence.
Helga: (shrugs, begins to walk away)
Suit yourself, because your kindness just begets... ( looks at the acolytes making the hand gesture) ...whatever *that* is. Smell ya later.
----
Later, Gerald is washing up in the restroom. We see in the mirror an acolyte exiting another stall, approaching Gerald.
Fourth grade acolyte:
Excuse me, but are you the Doubting Gerald?
Gerald:
Beg pardon?
Fourth grade acolyte:
Our good friend Mason said that you were speaking ill of Arnoldism this morning, in the presence of the Benevolent One, no less.
Gerald:
Look, Arnold’s my friend, but whatever this is, leave me out of it-
Out of the ceiling tiles, two acolytes ambush Gerald while holding a blue object.
----
Cut to Lila entering her own class president office (also a closet). She spots a greeting card on the desk; upon inspection, it reads “Heretic.” She turns around just as two other acolytes ambush her with the same blue object - cut to black.
----
Cut to recess, later that day. Arnold and Helga walk together out to the playground.
Helga: (sniffs)
Hey, dude, did you change up your shampoo? It doesn’t smell like coconuts anymore... What the?
The two stop short as they see what’s going on at the jungle gym. A mass of Arnold cultist kids seethes around the structure, where Gerald and Lila have both been tied to it with jump ropes. Both of them have been forced to don the cult’s uniform, and they are attempting to wriggle free. Mason stands before them holding a dodgeball.
Mason:
I will give you a final chance to redeem yourselves, nonbelievers. Do you pledge undying allegiance to the Way of Arnold?
Gerald: (struggling)
You’re crazy! You’re all crazy!
Lila:
Please, let us go!
Helga: (to Arnold)
Man, if you were looking for people to stop telling you that you have a big head, you maybe shouldn’t have started a cult.
Arnold:
I didn’t have anything to do with this! But I guess I’ll have to be the one to stop it. (He raises his voice) Excuse me!
The cult of kids all wheel around in hushed reverence, making the football head hand signal. They clear a path for Arnold, who marches up to Mason to confront him.
Arnold:
Mason, I’ve had it! Let go of my friends, and get rid of the costumes.
Mason:
But, my liege, we heard these two speak ill of Your Greatness.
Arnold:
Look, I know I’m the peer mentor and all, but that doesn’t mean you owe me anything.
Mason:
On the contrary! We are all sworn to protect the good name of our most Perfect One.
The crowd begins chanting “Perfect one! Perfect one!” Helga watches as the children converge on Arnold, and suddenly has an idea.
Helga: (raising her voice to cut through the din)
Perfect? Ha! Fat chance with this tuber-headed goober.
The cultists gasp. Arnold throws a puzzled glance at Helga, but she winks back and continues.
Helga:
This dorkus always throws our playoff baseball games with a sacrifice swing, chews popcorn with his mouth open, and uses his mom’s shampoo! He lets a pig sleep in his bed! And he never takes off that dumb hat because he knows his part looks like a bald spot!
Mason readies his dodgeball to throw at Helga.
Mason:
O benevolent Arnold, is what this heathen says true?
Arnold: (slightly chagrined)
Yeah, all of it. But I also just like this hat.
Mason: (drops the dodgeball, stumbles back reeling)
Our perfect role model...just as flawed as a common kid...this can’t be!
Mason casts off his Arnold hat and tears the sweater off his body, bellowing to the sky. Other kids follow suit, some crying. One of the smaller ones runs up and attempts in vain to kick Helga, but the kid only comes up to her waist. She picks the kid up by the collar.
Helga:
Aw, get over yourself, pipsqueak!
Helga drops the kid, who flees. Arnold unties Lila and Gerald, who also discard the cultist uniforms foisted upon them. Lila gives Arnold a hug, to which he recoils instinctively. Gerald’s hair rebounds after being cooped up under the hat.
Gerald:
I told ‘em, don’t touch the hair, but do they listen? No! (The two friends do their handshake.)
Arnold:
Sorry about all that. It just kind of happened and there wasn’t much I could do. Luckily Helga was there to tear me down in front of everyone, to prove I’m fallible.
Helga: (scoffs)
Well, you need all the help you can get, football head. What kind of weirdos would worship you like that anyway?
She rolls her eyes, but looks back with affection. Principal Wartz arrives on the scene, bewildered by the crowd of kids.
Wartz:
I always knew these kids were trouble. Thank you for sorting them out with your good example, Arnold.
Arnold:
Actually, sir, I worry I may not be the right guy for the job. I’m resigning my post.
Wartz: (surprised)
Huh! Well, we sort of designed the program with you in mind to head it up. So I guess I’ll just go back to disciplining miscreants myself.
The bell rings for the end of recess.
Arnold:
I’m sure you’ll figure something out. There are a lot of good people at this school.
He, Helga, and Gerald start walking back to class.
Arnold: ( to Helga, affectionately)
Gee, you sure keep an encyclopedic list of all my flaws. I thought you said you’d stop bullying me.
Helga:
Ah, you little goofball, those are all things I love about ya.
Gerald:
You two are mad as hatters, man. ( shudders ) Ugh, I don’t want to think about hats ever again.
Cut back to Lila addressing the Principal.
Lila:
Sir, if you’re looking to keep the peer mentor program going, I think I know someone who can offer a different approach...
----
We fade to the next day, looking out the door of the peer mentor closet. Lila ushers in a young, sullen girl.
Lila:
Now, Kelsey, I’d like you to meet our new peer mentor, Helga!
Helga sits at the desk Arnold had, looking smugly menacing.
Helga:
Ah, so you’re the little brat we caught emptying all the soap dispensers in the bathroom. Believe me, you’re going to regret every decision you made that led you up to that point by the time I’m through with you!
Kelsey: (eyes widening)
Wait, are you *the* Helga, of P.S. 118 lore?
Helga lets her guard down and looks deeply flattered.
Helga:
...Why, yes. Why do you ask?