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We open in the bustling school cafeteria. Helga loads a lunch tray with food then suspiciously tiptoes behind a vending machine. She pulls out a paper containing her and Arnold’s plan to trick their classmates into thinking that they still hate each other. Her doodles come to life in order to illustrate her monologue.
Helga: (V.O.)
Alright Helga old girl, let’s go over this one more time: On Arnold’s signal, we will begin walking perpendicular to each other and eventually collide. I will then pretend to blow up at him in classic fashion and our classmates, still too young and naïve to understand the intensity of our love, will continue to remain clueless. Oh Arnold, I hate that a boy as sweet as you must be forced to lie in order to keep up this noble charade, but by doing so, it reinforces your commitment and cunning. (swoons) Oh.
Suddenly, a breathing Brainy appears within Helga’s doodle.
Doodle Brainy: (heavy breathing)
Helga erases the doodle Brainy. Back in reality, she gets the signal from Arnold on her beeper—“NOW”—and begins marching forward in a robotic manner.
Helga: (hammy and forced)
Ah what a lunch! Now to go and eat this undisturbed!
Helga and Arnold get their timing off by a few seconds, so she has to awkwardly heave herself towards him.
Helga: Oh, whoooops!
Unfortunately, Eugene gets caught in the crossfire , and they all tumble to the ground. Eugene springs back to life.
Eugene:
I’m okay. No seriously guys, I’m okay! No injuries at all. My clothes didn’t even get dirty!
Helga: (still hammy and forced )
Watch where you are going you… you… foot-ball head.
Arnold:
Sorry Helga.
Their classmates briefly look up to recognize the commotion but then return to eating.
----
Cut to Arnold and Helga cleaning up outside by the dumpsters. Helga is wringing spaghetti sauce out of her hair.
Helga:
I think they fell for it hook, line, and sinker. What a bunch of maroons. What a bunch of fools.
Arnold:
Yeah, I think so. But are you feeling OK? You didn’t sound like yourself back there. Usually when you yell at me it’s a little more… convincing.
Helga:
I’ve never felt better in my life—I’m head over heels in love! Maybe being around you so much has softened me up, ya big softie.
Arnold:
Could be--as far as I can tell it’s a change for the better.
Arnold takes off his spaghetti sauce-stained sweater and compares it with the oversized flannel shirt he wears underneath.
Arnold:
Speaking of changing—what do you think? Maybe I should start just wearing flannel?
Helga:
Give it a rest, Bucko. The nineties are over and we lost. As for me ( looks at dress) , I wish there was some fabric softener in that tray I was carrying. I really liked this dress.
Arnold:
Knowing our school, that’s certainly a possibility… I like that dress too, you’ve been wearing pink for as long as I can remember.
Helga:
That’s because you complimented my bow the first time we met, so I’ve been wearing pink ever since.
Arnold:
What can I say? Your hair accessory matched your pants. (Arnold gestures to his hat) Just like me!
Helga smiles contentedly, then perks up nervously as we hear an approaching conversation.
Helga:
Shh, I hear someone coming. Jump inside this dumpster, my love.
Three rude-looking fourth graders converge upon the dumpster while Arnold jumps in--getting his flannel shirt dirty too. Helga shouts into the dumpster, pretending to have thrown him in.
Helga: ]
Take that, you dumb… Samaritan.
Mean Fourth Grader:
What is this, Trash Can Day? That’s so lame. Who does that anymore?
Helga:
No one does it anymore because we ended it, but we can bring it back just as easily. And when we do, it will be your three keisters in the can. ( Helga balls up her fist) Now don’t sass me again or you’ll have to answer to Ol’ Betsy.
The fourth graders all burst out in laughter at Helga and walk away.
Mean Fourth Grader: (off-screen)
She named her fist! I can’t believe it. What a fool! What a maroon!
Helga forlornly looks down at Ol’ Betsy.
Arnold:
Helga…
Helga: (somberly)
Make room Arnold, I’m hopping in.
Helga hops into the dumpster and sits next to Arnold.
Helga:
What’s happened to me? I used to strike fear into the hearts of every kid on the playground. Now they’re all laughing at me. I’m a....I’m a….
Arnold:
Don’t say it, Helga.
Helga: (sobbing)
I’m a marooooon!!!
Arnold: ( holding Helga’s hand)
You can still be a strong and independent person without being threatening. There are ways to win respect other than getting into fistfights behind the school dumpsters.
Helga: ( sighs)
Meet me in the park after school. By the pond. There’s something I need to do.
Helga gets up and leaves Arnold alone in the garbage.
----
Cut to Helga and Arnold sitting on a park bench near the pond. It’s close to sunset. We change to a close-up on Helga’s face.
Helga:
Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat this, you deserve the truth. I--I think it’s time we’ve gone our separate ways. We’ve known each other since preschool and have had many great times and gone on many wonderful adventures. But I can feel myself changing by the minute and I don’t see you as a part of the future that I want for myself.
We slowly zoom out to reveal that Helga is talking to her fist, Ol’ Betsy, while Arnold awkwardly looks on.
Helga:
I know how much this hurts, Ol’ Betsy. I can literally feel you twitch. But don’t let that pain diminish all that we’ve been through together.
Helga twiddles her fingers and Ol’ Betsy vanishes. She tries to form a fist again but she can’t.
Helga:
She’s… gone, Arnold. Ol’ Betsy is gone.
Arnold:
How does it feel?
Helga:
Kinda funny, like my hand has fallen asleep.
Arnold:
It’ll get better.
Arnold puts his arm around Helga to comfort her.
---
Cut to the school cafeteria the next day. The kids are all sitting around the lunch table eating while Helga is just playing with her food.
Harold:
Helga, I noticed that you’re not eating and it has me concerned. Concerned about your fries getting cold. Can I have them? Can I have your fries Helga?
Helga:
Go nuts.
Stinky:
Howdy Helga, I was wonderin'—
Helga:
You want my lunch? Lemon pudding for Stinky, apple slices for Gerald, cornbread for Phoebe, milk carton maze for Sid. Go on, take everything! I want you to!
Helga redistributes her lunch around the table.
Stinky:
Actually, I was gonna ask if we have anything due for History Class, but what kind of man would I be to turn down a free lemon pudding?
Phoebe:
Has your hand awakened from falling asleep yet, Helga?
Helga attempts to make a fist but her hand doesn’t obey her command.
Helga:
Nope. This hand hasn’t moved at all. I had to write my essay on the Treaty of Versailles with my wrong hand.
Sid: (hard at work on his maze)
This one time, I sat on my hand for three hours and it took a long time for all the blood to flow back into it.
Gerald:
Now why would you do something like that?
Sid:
Uhh... research. The feeling eventually came back but I can’t throw a baseball as far anymore. Arnold told me it was a stupid idea, but who’s the one with the cool anecdote?
Arnold doesn't say anything, instead he just observes Helga from the other side of the table. Cut to the intersection of hallways on the other side of the lunchroom; Eugene collides with a much bigger fifth grader, just as Arnold and Helga planned the day before.
Eugene:
Wow, two collisions in one week. What are the odds?
5th Grade Bully:
Hey, watch where you’re going, you little dweeb!
Phoebe:
Uh oh, Eugene has incurred the wrath of a rather large fifth grader.
Harold:
I’m scared of that guy, and I'm five years older than him.
Sid:
Why is every fifth grader gigantic except us?
Gerald observes Sid attempting to solve the milk maze, but his pencil pokes a hole through the carton, spilling milk everywhere.
Sid:
Ah jeez, not my jacket!
Gerald:
Guess we didn’t drink enough milk.
A crowd of kids encircle Eugene and the bully, chanting “Fight! Fight! Fight!”
Eugene:
Hey now, there’s no need for us to fight. Accidents happen. I get into accidents every day.
5th Grade Bully:
You’re right, no use crying over spilt milk .
The bully pours his entire milk carton onto Eugene’s head as the crowd goes “oooh.” Suddenly, Eugene starts to get angry. Close-up on his hand turning into a fist, which catches Helga’s attention and brings her out of her doldrums.
Helga:
It can’t be.
In one fluid motion Eugene knocks the bully out in one punch. While the crowd celebrates Eugene by joyously tossing him in the air, Arnold and Helga watch him from afar.
Arnold:
I wonder what’s gotten into Eugene.
Helga:
I’ll tell you what’s gotten into Eugene: Ol’ Betsy. She’s trying to make me jealous. She knows that Eugene is the only kid in our grade who is tougher than me. (slumps in her chair) Now she’s given him the offense to back up his incredible defensive stats.
Arnold: (dubiously)
Helga, I find it hard to believe your fist—which I’m looking at right now, it’s your right hand—has somehow possessed Eugene.
Helga:
What can I say? I’m happy for her. She’s already accomplished more with Eugene than she ever has with me. The only 5th Grader I’ve ever beaten up is Brainy, when we were both in 5th Grade. (Sigh)
----
Cut to Eugene walking home from school. Helga jumps out from an alley, frightening him.
Eugene:
Nooooooo, it was an accident!
Helga:
Hey ya Eugene.
Eugene:
Oh, it’s you Helga. It’s so calming to see a friendly face.
Helga:
Nice work out there.
Eugene:
Ugh, don’t remind me. I found out that kid has eight older brothers--one for each of the eight sports--and they all want to beat me up.
Helga:
Mind if I show you how to throw a punch? You seem to be doing fine on your own but the proper technique can improve performance and reduce the risk of injury.
Eugene:
Anything to reduce the risk of injury.
Helga:
Great. First of all, stand like this... ( Eugene copies Helga’s stance ), put your thumb over your other fingers—not under, and pivot on your back foot to propel your body forward.
Eugene begins throwing phantom punches like a video game character with the b-button stuck.
Eugene:
Gee thanks Helga. I sure hope I’ll never have a use for this, but it’s fun learning new skills!
Helga: (beaming like a proud parent)
Take good care of her.
Eugene:
Boy, it’s getting chilly. I better put on my sweater.
We see Eugene put on his sweater from Helga’s POV. As he pushes his arm through one of the armholes, he accidentally punches Helga and she starts seeing stars.
----
Cut to Olga’s trophy room at the Pataki household. Big Bob, Miriam, and Arnold are all standing around Helga as she holds a bag of frozen peas over her shiner.
Helga:
Ugh, now I know how Brainy feels.
Big Bob:
So you got into a little sparkle after school, eh Olga?
Arnold:
Her name is Helga, Mr. Pataki.
Big Bob:
What’s this ugly kid doing here? His Grandpa cheats at golf.
Miriam:
Helga, you can have as much of my aspirin as you want until your headache feels better.
Helga: (scornfully)
Thanks, Miriam.
Arnold:
Helga, Eugene says he’s really, really sorry for what happened. It was a total accident.
Big Bob:
Eugene? You’re telling me you lost a fight to that creampuff? How the mighty have fallen. Your grittiness was the one thing you had over Olga, Olga. (He exits the room) Miriam, are those steaks done yet?
Miriam: (offscreen)
Any minute dear.
Arnold:
We should go visit Eugene in the hospital. He threw out his back carrying you here.
Helga:
Oh, what’s the point? Ol’ Betsy will be there. I can’t be in the same room as her. I tried to be a good sport and teach Eugene how to punch so he wouldn’t break his hand, but she’s still mad at me for growing soft.
Arnold holds Helga’s hand, the Ol’ Betsy hand.
Helga: (in hushed terror)
Arnold , what are you doing? Miriam and Big Bob might notice us.
The sounds of Helga’s parents arguing can be heard from the kitchen.
Arnold:
They’re not going to notice us, that’s the point. Your toughness - the fact that you’ve never let your miserable situation get you down - isn’t the work of some mystical spirit living inside your fist, it’s you . It’s possible to not let yourself get pushed around without turning into a bully yourself.
Big Bob (off-screen):
Miriam, you know that I like pink in my steak. Where’s the pink?
Miriam (off-screen):
Oh, I’m sorry dear. Let me try again.
Big Bob (off-screen):
I’m not made of meat Miriam! Get it right the first time.
Arnold:
Be somewhere between a Bob and a Miriam, I guess.
Helga:
( sighs) Let’s go to the hospital... I need to talk to the hand.
----
Helga and Arnold arrive at the children’s hospital.
Arnold:
Hi, we’d like to visit our friend. Could you tell us where Eugene Horowitz is residing?
Nurse:
The Eugene Horowitz Wing.
Helga:
Wow, his own wing.
Nurse:
That little boy is our best customer. That section was single-handedly built by his medical bills.
The children enter Eugene’s room and find him in traction, in an unusually downcast mood.
Arnold:
Hey Eugene, how is your back?
Eugene:
Oh, this old thing? Nothing to worry about. But I feel so guilty about what happened, Helga. I should’ve just braved the cold and never put that sweater on. I’m a monster.
Helga:
No Eugene, the only monster in this room is the American Healthcare system. (The nurse folds her arms and frowns) You’re one of the sweetest boys around.
Helga gets down on one knee and hold’s Eugene’s Ol’ Betsy hand.
Eugene:
Uhh… Helga? This is really sudden. Like really, really, really sudden.
Helga:
Listen Betsy, I don’t know if you’re real or not, but in case you are, I’ve come to say I’m a strong, confident young woman, toots... Let me finish - I’m not done. I’m eleven years old, fear and intimidation tactics are beneath me at this point. I'm just going to live my life as the best Helga I can be. If you want to ride in the sidecar and experience all the upcoming greatness of my life first-hand, that’s up to you.
Helga regains feeling in her hand again and forms a fist. She gives Ol’ Betsy a kiss. Arnold looks on with warmth.
Helga:
Welcome back, old friend.
Eugene:
I have absolutely no idea what’s going on!
Nurse:
They don’t pay me enough for this job.
----
Cut to the children getting out of school. Phoebe and Helga are walking down the steps.
Phoebe:
I must say Helga, this must’ve been the first time you raised your hand in class more than me!
Helga:
I’m in top form, Phoebs. I feel like I can take on the world with just my wits, no fists necessary.
Suddenly, those fourth graders from earlier return.
Mean Fourth Grader:
Hey ugly, where’s Old Betsy?
Helga:
...Starting tomorrow. Today I gotta drop these fourth graders in the trash. (yelling) TRASH DAY!
Sid:
Trash Day’s back?
Harold:
Alright!
Stinky: (wistfully)
A tradition unlike any other.
Helga grabs a trash can as her, Harold, Stinky, and Sid chase after the 4th Graders, while a smiling Arnold looks on in the background.